05x13 - I'm the Kind of Girl Who Found Her Voice in College

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Awkward"...

I'd come a long way from sophomore year, from being a random su1c1de girl to just a random girl again. Already I was feeling the core emotional drama of senior year, the sadness of doing something for the last time ever.

We've been through so much together, and we should graduate together.

I was thinking about maybe taking a gap year.

All I want to do is love you, and you fight me every step of the way.

I was class president, Jake.

What if I'm never president of anything else ever?

You have a whole new life ahead of you.

It was so much less complicated when I didn't know I was in love with you.

Right back at you.

Matty and I still had a lot to figure out. We'd jumped through too many hoops to let a little thing like distance come between us, because deep down, we knew that love would conquer all. Of course, that's not quite what happened.

[indistinct chatter]

[pensive music]

♪

What are you doing here?

You missed the final.

What? I didn't miss the final.

I graduated. Here's my diploma.

Thank God the nightmare of being trapped in high school forever turned out to be just that...

[phone ringing]

A nightmare.

Hey.

Yeah, of course I'll pick you up.

Yep, meet you at the curb.

Hey, you want to spend the night?

Yay! Okay, can't wait.

I love you too.

♪ I just want you to know ♪

My first year of college had been fantastic. Even better than expected. I was becoming the person I was always meant to be, and I was really liking that person. Oh, I just miss my little girl so much when I don't see her.

Well, the wait is over, I'm back!

[baby cries]

Oh.

Oh, it's okay. She's just not used to you.

Uh... Lissa, what are you doing here?

I'm the nanny. Duh.

I didn't know Jenna was coming back today.

Uh, not today. Last night.

Very late, which I guess is why no one waited up.

I'm sorry, sweetie, we've just been so crazed.

And it was so late.

So... what?

So you forgot?

I knew I'd undergone a dramatic transformation during my year away at college, but was surprised that everyone else had too. Suddenly I was a stranger in my own home.

Mom, did you get my hemp milk? I'm non-dairy now.

Really? You weren't joking?

Ugh, sorry to be so rushed, but I have to register for summer school... I couldn't carry a full course load last semester.

Are you non-dairy now 'cause it makes you break out?

I think you've got a little blackhead.

What? No, that's my nose piercing.

Are you always here this early?

Oh, no, usually I just stay the night.

Uh, Liss, Morgan needs to go down soon, and, Kev, I'll be back for dinner.

Not sure I will.

Okay.

Oh, uh, let me know if you want me to order something in.

Okay.

Bye.

I don't like to cook.

So my triumphant return hadn't been as triumphant as I had hoped. But the best part of the day was yet to come. I could unload to the one person who knew better than anyone how to cheer me up. Oh, God, Matty, the one person I hoped I'd never have to see ever again. And after what happened, I didn't think I would.

How are you?

You look good, I'm good.

Loudspeaker:... is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.

Oh, my God, T! You look amazing!

Hey, Babe. It's so good to see you.

Ugh, the flight from NYC was brute.

I cannot fly coach anymore. So not chic.

So I'm just waiting for one more bag.

This ho-bag!

Who are you calling a ho, you slore?

Aww, is Jenna an Uber driver for the summer?

How traj.

Careful when you're loading my bags.

They're heavy.

Uh, so not loading your bags.

Don't give my attitude, Hamiltrench, I know what you did to Matty.

Okay, I cannot stand not knowing... WTF happened?

It's complicated.

Sades, what's the big ish?

Matty swore me to secrecy because it's disgusting and humiliating.

Okay, then can we please stop talking about it?

My best friend had befriended my worst enemy? How did that even happen? But I needed to stop worrying about my old friends and look to my future. My new job at Idea Bin, the website where I'd scored a competitive summer fellowship. Idea Bin blended journalism and personal essays with listicles and quizzes, and had quickly gotten both a lot of traffic and a reputation as an incubator for hot young writers.

Welcome, summer fellow.

Which one are you?

Jenna Hamilton.

Hi, I'm Ethan.

I'm the Associate Editor here, and I supervise you fellowship peeps.

Hi, Jenna? I'm Max.

Max here, clearly a glutton for punishment, is back for his second summer as an unpaid fellow, as is Mia!

Hi.

Last summer, Mia got a piece up her second week here.

She'll probably get a book deal by the time the summer's over.

Bitch! JK.

This is a safe, nurturing space where we encourage both types of LOLing: laughing out loud and living out loud.

Hey, I'm Ophelia, also a first-timer.

This is intimidating, right?

No, hon, don't be intimidated.

Jenna, what's your Twitter handle?

Oh, I haven't really been tweeting that much.

Is this you? IAmJennaHam?

It's very Theodore Geisel. I like it.

Dr. Seuss's real name! Genius, Jenna!

Wait, 40 followers?

IAmJennaHam last tweeted in October.

I kind of backed off social media when I was in Maine.

"My boo is coming to visit?" My boo?

Jenna, go to jail. That was retired in 2005.

Oaf here has 11,000 Twitter followers.

I totally respect your social media boycott.

I wish I could wean myself, but I just suck at weaning.

I was breastfed till I was six. Before it was chic.

Chickens, to be a writer you need a brand.

And we establish and cultivate that brand how?

On social media, that is how the clickbait gets clicked.

That is how your sickness is gonna go viral.

I'm happy to help you.

I spend way too much time frittering with my twittering.

Thanks.

Don't worry, hon.

You'll catch up.

[jolly music]

♪

Palos Hills Country Club is a fun work environment, but we do demand a commitment to the highest level of service and professionalism.

Oh, of course, Jakey.

You are, like, so serious now.

This is my job.

Yeah, dude.

I got your back.

This is gonna be a blast.

I wasn't too excited about coming back home for the summer, but now, you know, I am.

So are you gonna tell me what went down with Jenna?

[clears throat] Jenna...

Jenna who?

Okay, I have everyone's assignment except...

Jenna's.

Here it is.

Paper?

What, did you write it with a quill by candlelight?

Why don't you just fax it to me while you're at it, huh?

Maybe the fax will make a comeback.

Yeah, and pagers.

Tiddlywinks.

I can see your first byline now, Jenna.

"Making Backwards Forwards." It's so... Etsy.

Just to be clear, hon, that is a joke.

Don't... don't actually do that.

How had I already managed to become the office laughing stock. No, I wasn't gonna get down on myself. I wasn't gonna let anything shake my confidence.

Hey, what'd I miss?

[bleep].

Guys, this is Luke, also a second-year fellow.

Jenna. Good to see you.

Luke, the perfect guy, the one who got away, the one who reminded me of what an immature mess I'd been in high school. Yup, cool, confident Jenna had just left the building.

Oh... incoming!

Lizzy Raines, the Editor-in-Chief of Idea Bin, was one of my idols. Her work was smart and incisive, yet emotional and textured.

Hi.

I am way too angry to be mad right now.

Treacherous publisher thinks that "Perishables" is a bad title for a novel.

Lizzy, the new fellows are all here.

Hello. Welcome.

I'd like you all to think of Idea Bin as a creative space, where you can develop your craft and find your voices.

I'm always available to you, except when I'm in my office with the door closed, which is where I'm headed now.

Once you get to know her, she's a total pushover.

So crazy that we're both working here.

Not that crazy.

Remember, we both discovered Idea Bin when we saw that Shira Munroe piece on shy exhibitionists?

You look great.

How have you been?

Great.

Spill... how was your first day at work.

Unbelievable... I actually ran into...

[gasps] OMG!

I thought I left this at some after-hours party in the West Village.

I have to tell Sadie; she will freak that I found this.

I thought I was out two hundy!

Wow, you spend a lot of money on clothes.

You: Maine.

Me: New York.

Dress for success, or wail and fail.

I guess, but the thing about being in a small town is that you get less attached to, you know, things, and more into, just, being.

Well, I'm glad you've been peace-ing out in the woods, if that's all you've been doing since you went dark.

What?

Your social media blackout did not go unnoticed, Jenna.

It was aggressive, like you hung up on the world.

I had to, after what happened with Matty, I just...

Okay, so what did happen with Matty?

I am dying to know. Everyone is dying to know.

It's hard to explain.

That is a cop-out.

If you asked me about my breakup with Adam, I would tell you anything you want to know.

Was it friendly?

It was hard.

TBH, if you hadn't gone all M.I.A. "Paper Planes" on social media, you would already know that.

You feel me?

Yeah, I feel you.

[electronic music]

♪

Hey, Sadita, college girl back in town.

Good to see you. Next?

So how are you?

Super busy right now, but let's catch up soon, okay?

Soon sounds good.

Lates.

Sadie says Sergio's food truck is out of control.

Jump on it, bay-bay!

"Oh, he is dying to jump on me, but he's too busy with his stupid food truck right now. Courtney Roy is throwing a party in the Palisades."

Shut up!

Who's Courtney Roy?

Oh, some boring trustafarian Sadie and I met in New York.

I hear her house is sick, so I should go.

Can we rain check?

So... no sleepover?

I know, I suck, but this party is going to be mayj.

But, you're more than welcome to come if you want.

Why was it when people said I was "more than welcome," I always felt less than?

Gee, T, you make it sound so appealing, but I think I'll pass.

I may not have been cool enough for Tamara anymore, but at least I could go home to my parents. Shockingly, I actually wanted to hang out with them. I'd missed them a lot more than I expected.

Oh, hey, Jenna, we didn't know you'd be home for dinner.

Change of plans.

Well, we're going out for a date night, but, um... you're more than welcome to join.

Yeah.

The dreaded "more than welcome" again.

That's okay, you guys should go.

Okay, bye.

Bye-bye.

You don't have to stay. I am happy to take care of her.

All right.

[baby cries]

Oh.

Maybe you should stay.

Oh.

Hmm, must've been you, Jenna.

Weird.

Even my baby sister didn't want to have anything to do with me. Well, she wasn't the only crabby baby who felt like crying.

It was time to go to bed and put this day out of its misery so I could start all over again the next day with a clear head and a good attitude.

Good morning.

Hey.

Guess we're gonna have to get used to seeing each other every day.

Yeah, still can't get over the coincidence.

Okay, to be perfectly honest, maybe not all that coincidental.

I might have seen your application on the pile and given it an extra push.

Oh.

So it wasn't a fluke; it was Luke? I thought I had gotten this internship on my own merit, but it was just the helping hand of someone from my past. And it seemed like the more I wanted to put my past behind me, the more it wanted to get all up in my face.

I just got an invite to a little high school gathering.

Same old Palos Hills.

Still a little Matty drama, huh?

Oh, no, I'm not that girl anymore.

College has given me a whole new perspective.

Good.

Looks like we're starting up.

I ask our new fellows to write about their worst experience ever because I am a fan of ritual humiliation.

JK!

I ask because it is hard to be both confessional and engaging.

So, Jenna, tell me, why do you think your essay is interesting?

Well, it's about how profoundly we can be affected by others' misperceptions of us.

I broke my arm in a freak accident, but the story... the accepted truth... was that I tried to k*ll myself.

Right, but if you didn't actually try to k*ll yourself, then what are the stakes?

I just...

Let me put it into context for you, okay?

Ophelia wrote about how she did commit su1c1de.

I was dead for two minutes before they revived me.

So you see? Ophelia was dead.

That's interesting.

I don't want to die again, though, I'll tell you that much.

You know, heaven seemed really middle-of-the-road.

[indie rock music]

Are you sure you don't want to come?

More than.

Hamilslag, there's a 30-foot no-slunt zone around Matty, 'Kay?

Sadie, really, didn't you grow up at all your entire year of college?

You guys, I'm really trying to swing this and be bi-friendsual, but your girl-fighting is making it muy hard.

Go have fun with the high school crowd, TK.

I'm in the mood for some good Mexican, and you can't get that in the city.

Get on it, you slut.

Both: Muah. Muah.

♪ Hot day, summer nights ♪
♪ Workin' till the weekend strikes ♪

You see Matty?

No.

Are you really okay? Can you deal?

Of course. We're all adults now.

God knows we've all had our fill of Matty and Jenna drama.

Yes, but, from another POV, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

I thought this was just supposed to be Palos Hills peeps.

Who's that sloppy rando?

My girlfriend.

Matty, I love your friends. I really like them.

I'd been back from college less than a week, but all my illusions about being a new, powerful, confident person were crumbling.

I can't believe that's Matty's girlfriend.

She does seem kind of gauche atrosh.

And Matty seems like such a frat boy.

Thank God boys aren't all fratted-out in the city.

Hey, babe, will you make me a dirty martini?

Babe, we got beer... in red cups.

Welcome back to Palos Hills.

[funky dance music]

♪

Hey, Sadita, what are you doing here?

Last night you said you wanted to see me soon.

Well, now's soon.

Oh, man, I didn't say tonight, did I?

Been so crazy busy I can't keep track.

Yeah, and I can see what you've been busy with.

I bet that whore puts in a lot of overtime!

Sadie! That's my mom! Respect!

Uh-huh, now I know why you don't want me to meet this Sadie girl.

Maldita.

I am so sorry, Mrs. Espinoza, Sergio told me how young and beautiful you are, but I'm sorry...

Okay, she can get over it.

So where do you want to go?

Sadie, I didn't know you were coming.

I have plans.

With your mama?

No, with his girlfriend.

Hi, I'm Julia.

Oh, hi.

We'll just have to do it another time.

'Kay?

Pal?

♪

I'm out!

Hey.

Hi.

What are you guys doing?

Making out with tongue.

So are you guys dating again?

Yeah, for six months.

Another thing you would have known if you were on social media.

Yay, Sadie, you're here!

Hey, cutie.

So good to see you too. You look amaze.

Let's chat lates, 'kay? I need to tell T something.

OMG, Sades, WTF? Tell me everything.

I mean...

Was it weird when you got home?

No, it's been super fun.

I have a baby, which is perfect, since I've always wanted to be a Palos Hills mom.

And your parents are super cool and let Jake spend the night whenever I want.

I mean, was he trying to humiliate me?

Poor communication skills are inexcusable.

Me choir, keep preaching.

Jake and I work well as a couple.

Plus, between nannying and Atonercising, I don't even have time to look for a different boyfriend.

That's romantic.

I know.

The thing is, don't ambush me!

If you want to dip your little chip into some nasty guac while I'm away, that's fine, but just tell me.

It's not always easy to communicate long distance.

Not for emotionally constipated slunts like you, maybe.

Sades, Jenna is still my friend too.

Thanks, T, but it's actually reassuring to see that someone hasn't changed around here.

Hey, dude, ball, please.

This deep freeze is burning my ass.

Can you at least be civ to each other?

Fine.

Here's your girlfriend's ball, Matty.

Thank you, uh, can you take some of the stink off of it?

Oh, it came with that on it. Dude.

Sully's just playing.

Playing... is that what you call it?

Yeah, I do. What do you call it?

Rudeness.

But, whatever, Matty, this is just so not what I expected out of you.

Yeah, well, this pretentious bull[bleep] you're putting on is exactly what I expected of you.

Pretentious?

Why, because I don't like throwing balls at people's heads and playing stupid drinking games?

Pretentious because you've turned into some self-righteous hippie chick thinking you're better than everyone while standing there with some stupid thing stuck in your nose.

And this is why we can't just be civ with each other.

I was mad at myself for being stupid enough to think Matty and I could ever be okay again. But I was even madder at Matty for all those hurtful things he said that made me want to scream...

[baby cries]

Just rock her a little.

She needs to get used to her big sister.

Yeah, she wasn't prepared...

I know you've had a little bit of a rough landing, and I'm really sorry.

How would you know?

It's not like you've been paying attention.

Well, am I right?

Yes. Everyone's changed.

Lissa has taken over our house, Tamara and Sadie are best friends, Luke got me my job without telling me, and Matty has turned into a complete jerk.

Okay, okay. Let's put her back in her crib.

When everyone stops trying so hard to be adults, they'll stop acting like such children.

Trust me, they're still the same people.

But I've changed.

Mm-hmm, you're more confident; you're even smarter... but don't stop being that sweet, sensitive girl I know and love, okay?

Hey, I got you some santizing wipes for your...

Thanks, but...

I think I'm actually going to take it out.

It's getting a little infected.

I noticed.

I'm sorry Morgan's in your room, and you don't have space to do your writing...

You know, I actually do have some space...

I was caught in a perfect storm of emotions: angry, happy, defeated, hopeful. I knew I had to seize the moment and work... So I went to Idea Bin.

♪ I'm gonna see you, see you ♪
♪ And now it's happened ♪
♪ And that's... we're never, ever going ♪
♪ When you look into my heart ♪

"I'm The Kind of Person Who Found Her Voice In College." I thought this piece could say a lot about heartbreak and growth... sort of like a care-frontation letter to myself. I'd post it and tweet it everywhere and anywhere.

Hey.

What are you doing here so early?

I've actually been here all night, trying to write something Ethan won't hate.

Listen, if he pushes you, it's because he sees potential.

Or he sees a girl whose ex-boyfriend got her the job.

Jenna, I wouldn't have pushed your name on the top of the pile if I didn't think you were really talented.

Then, why didn't you just tell me up front before I started here?

I'm sorry, Jenna.

It didn't even occur to me that you might be insecure about it.

Because I wasn't at all.

I mean, you're gonna make me look good.

Well, I'm no Ophelia.

I didn't like her essay all that much.

And, FYI, Ophelia got the internship because her dad's tight with Lizzy.

Really?

Yes.

And I got the job because I was in Lizzy's class, and she likes me.

There's not too much happens that's completely blind.

Knowing someone helps.

I feel so naive.

Well, I don't want to disillusion you...

You can't.

You are not the same girl you were last year.

Sorry to disappoint you.

I'm not disappointed.

You keep getting better and better...

♪ We're never, ever going back ♪
♪
♪ It's finally alive ♪