03x01 - It's All Good

[bunniefuu]

Last season on "Faking It"...

We're just good buddies who occasionally have sex.

You screwed her best friend. Give up.

As of today, we have a new leader: Principal Turner.

Does this have to be the end?

We're just in different places, Amy.

Stay, please.

I can't.

Oh.

Are you attracted to Felix?

Ew. No.

Typical Amy, can't make up her mind.

[Karma screams]

So what did it mean?

She's my sister.

You can never trust a Booker.

Felix!

Hi, my name is Felix and I'm an alcoholic.

I promise, I'm gonna make it up to you.

This is gonna be the summer of Karma and Amy.

I'm intersex. This is the school that accepts you, even if you don't accept yourself.

You can't keep relying on other people to get over Karma.

Your real dad's name is...

C. Wilder.

Ashcroft.

Ashcroft?

Well, you guys are in for an exciting summer.

What do I have to do to get you to stay?

You can tell me that that kiss meant something.

I can't.

Have a good summer, Karma.

Karma, I know that I may not have handled it in the best way when I left for the summer, but I had to do that to get over you and guess what, it worked!

So how 'bout we get back to being BFFs, because your friendship is the most important thing in the world to me.

Uh, weak. And why bother?

Your friendship is dunzo, so save yourself the soul-crushing pain.

I thought it was real sweet.

I hope it works.

Thank you.

Just don't apologize.

I won't.

I did what I needed to do to take care of myself.

I needed to get out of town, get some perspective.

I learned a lot, like tons of q*eer girls fall for their best friends.

It's a common step in our evolution.

Well said.

I think she'll let you off the hook.

If you ever evolve to Portland, look me up.

Count on it.

Stay strong.

Good luck!

Bye!

[hopeful music]

♪ ♪

And long kicks!

Yes! Now clap those hands, ladies!

You too, Steve!

♪ ♪

Amy!

Hi.

♪ ♪

[shrieks]

Starfish, when are you gonna learn not to stand with your legs apart?

Crazy, right? We were nemesisis.

Nemeses. Neme-somethings.

You know what they say, nothing bonds two people like a life or death situation.

God, did someone drown?

Worse: the vending machine ran out of diet soda.

It was a w*r zone of soccer moms fighting over deck chairs.

Starfish and I got each other through it.

I can't believe I once thought you were a narcissist with an inferiority complex.

Aw, and I can't believe I once called you gay h*tler.

Stingray, we've got poop in the toddler pool.

Ah, again?

[sighs] Gotta run.

You two have a lot to catch up on.

Wow, okay, so you two are friends, now?

Mm-hmm.

Huh. I guess there is hope for the civil w*r in Syria.

I was gonna tell you all about it, but you went off the grid.

In other news, my mom got her soaps into Trader Joe's and we're back in our house!

Oh, that's great!

So you didn't have a miserable summer?

Well, I mean, it did start off a little rocky.

[chuckles]

Karma, about that.

I know that I may not have handled it well when I left, but I...

Cormac! Waylon!

That's strike two.

Next time, those g*ns are mine!

I'm sorry. You were in the middle of your apology.

What... [laughs]

No, I was... No, I wasn't...

Wasn't what?

Apologizing.

I actually wanted to explain why going away for the summer was... was exactly what I needed.

[whistle tweets]

Oh, break's over.

It'll have to wait.

Do you want to come over tonight for girls' night?

Oh, sounds fun, but no can do.

The lifeguards are throwing this huge end-of-summer bonfire at the lake, so...

Tomorrow night?

Gotta run. But we'll text.

It's all good.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

My speech to the school board went viral, and I became an inspirational figure.

I was even on HuffPost Live.

Hello? Aren't you impressed?

If it is all good, then why didn't she invite me to her stupid bonfire?

It's not like it's the Oscars!

Oh, how I've missed talking about Karma with you.

Know what you've missed? Your mother on Tinder.

That woman goes through men like a speed eater downing hot dogs.

Okay, are you pissed at me, or have I just forgotten how hostile you are?

Pissed, why?

Oh, you mean because you begged me to stay here and then you left?

I didn't really beg.

Trust me, I get it.

Nobody wants you to get over Karma more.

I'm just bummed it didn't work since you've been home less than an hour and she's all you can talk about.

[scoffs] It worked.

Trust me, I've evolved.

Into what?

Everyone was just getting used to your fluidity.

I'm still fluid.

And I still don't want to label myself.

This summer, I learned that I don't have to...

Can we talk about your suspenseful sexuality later?

I'm casting a new Lisbeth and I need to pick two finalists.

Ladies, please don't chew your pencils.

They're not yours to keep.

What happened to the old Lisbeth?

Ooh, juicy story!

She left.

So you're auditioning new friends?

Lauren, you're not a Real Housewife.

Yet. And I'm not auditioning friends.

That's pathetic. I'm interviewing friendterns.

There are duties, especially with my 5,000 Twitter followers.

Is that a big deal? I'm not on Twitter.

Of course you're not and, yes, it is.

Quite honestly, I expected a more impressive group of candidates.

Regardless, two of these girls will get to come with me to that bonfire tonight.

Wait. You're invited?

You said yourself, it's not the Oscars.

Thank God firelight is forgiving.

Okay, ladies, let's get started.

Good news: I found my dad.

Bad news: he's dead.

I-I mean, it's a bummer, sure, but now, dude, I have an aunt, I have four cousins, and a bubbe.

It turns out I'm Jewish.

Oh, Mazel Tov!

Good thing you're already circumcised.

Enough about me. Let's talk about you.

How was your summer?

Drinks are up.

Uh... I was a lifeguard at a public pool.

Nobody's buying the movie rights.

You're the one jetting around the world with an heiress.

More about you!

Shane, what's going on?

[small laugh] What do you mean?

You keep changing the subject away from yourself.

And you love talking about yourself.

I am insulted.

Okay, fine.

You're gonna find out eventually.

Over the summer, Karma and I...

Oh, God.

Became friends.

That's it?

[laughs] After your aborted prom threesome, my mind went to some very dark places.

I'm your best friend. She's your ex-girlfriend.

That doesn't bother you?

Why would it?

I'm with Zita now. I am so over Karma.

Tell me the truth. I would never share anything you told me in confidence.

It's the truth; I still care about her, of course.

I want her to be happy.

Is she?

I... I know it can be hard to watch an ex move on.

Uh... Jeez, how did it get so late?

I gotta run, I promised my mom I'd help her with the inventory.

You want to meet up after? sh**t some pool?

You'd be surprised how long it takes to count a garage full of dildos.

Shane, you didn't answer my texts.

I need to talk to you about Karma.

What a surprise.

Not like that. I'm over her.

She's all yours.

Thanks, but I'm over her too.

Oh, really? I didn't see you at graduation.

I know that she's pissed at me for leaving.

We have to talk it out.

Take me to that lifeguard party with you tonight.

Lifeguard party! That's tonight?

I'll have to stop by after the dildo counting.

But it's just for lifeguards. Super exclusive. Kind of like the Oscars.

Wait, Lauren's going.

Yeah, well, she's an inspirational figure.

Gotta run.

If I don't call your name and tonight you're lying in bed, thinking, "I'm a huge loser," try to think of me and be inspired.

Leila, the envelope please...

I couldn't find an envelope, so I just folded it.

And the first finalist is...

[knocking]

Excuse me, am I too late to apply for the friendternship?

Not at all!

In fact, you're our first finalist!

Ladies, let's hear it for...

Erika.

Erika!

Don't you think we should interview her first, make sure she's here for the right reasons?

No need. I get a good feeling just looking at her.

That hair, such an upgrade.

But you said I get a vote.

You do. I get three.

Tell you what, you can pick the other runner-up while Erika and I get to know each other better, okay?

[strumming guitar]

♪ There's a lifeguard ♪
♪ Named Seahorse at the pool ♪

all: ♪ At the pool ♪
♪ When he started working, we were fooled ♪

all: ♪ We were fooled ♪
♪ He seemed like a shy loner ♪
♪ Till that accidental boner ♪

together: ♪ Now everybody wants to ride his tool ♪

all: ♪ Ride his tool ♪

[laughter and applause]

Now do Shrimp.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

♪ There's a lifeguard named Shrimp here at the pool ♪

all: ♪ At the pool ♪

It's like a duet between Taylor Swift and Katy Perry.

Oh, come on, everyone knows they have beef.

Maybe this was a mistake.

A bunch of strangers drinking alcohol in their bathing suits is kind of my worst nightmare.

Don't be shy.

A party's like a pool: you just gotta jump in!

Somebody grab these two a beer!

[whispers] Crap, what do we do?

Liam, Amy, what are you doing here?

No way!

You two are friends with Stingray?

Has he always had these perfect nipples?

[chuckles nervously]

Here you go.

Guys, this is Dylan. AKA Sharkskin.

He moved here this summer from Hawaii.

Filled with the spirit of Aloha.

So are you guys dating?

I wish! Look at that blowhole!

[laughs]

But sadly my shark don't swim that way.

Yeah.

I've been cursed with a terminal case of heterosexuality, and this little lady is the only thing that makes it bearable.

[wolf whistles]

Don't be silly.

Thanks.

I didn't invite you because I know a bunch of strangers drinking alcohol in bathing suits is your worst nightmare.

Was.

But now I love parties. They're my jam.

I've evolved this summer.

Which is why I'm here.

With Liam.

How crazy we both befriended former enemies.

Oh, no, we're not friends.

He was just my ride here.

You're not...

Jealous? [laughs]

I evolved this summer too.

I'm dating a guy who looks better in a sarong than I do.

Why didn't you mention him earlier?

Because I was at work.

And I knew it might bring up some feelings for you and wouldn't want you to have to skip town again.

But that's the thing, I don't have those feelings anymore.

After a summer apart, I am 100% over you!

Yay.

Now we can get back on track.

Isn't this great news?

The greatest. But, uh...

It'll have to wait.

Tonight's the last lifeguard party of the summer.

You're welcome to stay, but please don't be upset if I'm not there for you.

[scoffs]

I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself.

I know. It's all good.

I was going to tell you about Dylan.

I was just easing you into it.

You said yourself, it's hard to watch your exes move on.

I'm not jealous. I'm glad she's found someone.

I'm just surprised you guys are such good buddies.

We're not.

We're just, you know, work friends.

Soon to be school friends since he's starting at Hester.

But don't worry, I am still the captain of Team Liam.

I'm not worried.

In fact, I barely heard anything you just said because I'm so distracted by those hot perfect nipples.

[laughs]

Okay, no, it's weird when you do it.

[sighs] All right, ladies, we're here.

Finalist #2, please fetch us beers from the keg.

You will be graded on speed and amount of foam.

And if anyone asks who you're here with, be vague.

Okay. What's a keg?

Leila will show you.

But drinking's a sin!

You two have fun. Bye!

You know I'm just going through the motions, right?

You've got this in the bag.

Oh, my God, yay! My first friendternship.

Leila came up with that silly term.

It's really just a friendship.

I wiped out on this epic wave and fractured my spine.

Almost k*lled me.

I had to learn to walk again.

That is intense.

Yeah, it was. But you know what it taught me?

It taught me not to sweat the small stuff.

It's all good.

And that's my scar story.

Who's next? Shane?

Oh, well, clearly, all my scars are emotional.

But I'm still healing from our cliff jump.

Oh!

Cliff jump?

Dylan was feeling a little homesick for Hawaii, so we took him to Lake Travis so he could go cliff diving.

But I made them all jump with me.

[laughs] Let me guess.

Karma barfed?

Or... or had a panic att*ck?

You didn't have to airlift her out, right?

Because she's afraid of heights?

When we were kids.

I'll have you know I jumped twice!

Yeah, but of course, this guy jumped first.

Did a swan dive, made it look easy.

Had it been raining recently?

If the lake is high, then it's not that big of a jump.

Uh... anyway, back to my story.

So, I step up to the edge and I look down.

Oh, no.

I tried that this summer and it made me more paranoid than Fox News.

Cool. Can you pass it to Starfish?

No, pot brings up issues from her home life.

I forgot to cross my legs and got wracked so hard in the nuts I passed out.

Dylan had to swim out and save me.

Unfortunately, he didn't require mouth-to-mouth.

both: L-l-l-l-l-l!

Reminds me of that time you fell off the monkey bars and I had to carry you to the school nurse.

Yo, guys!

all: Squid!

My fellow guardians of life, I'm dedicating my newest piece to you.

Every time I look at this, I'm gonna remember your faces and this summer.

I love you people.

Hey, Squid, did you bring enough ink to give us all one?

Yeah, sure did.

Meet me over at my tent.

Yay!

Yes!

Do it!

Wait, Karma.

Karma, you made me promise I would stop you if you ever tried to get a tattoo.

And you did.

Thank you for your service.

You are hereby honorably discharged!

Karma's just doing what she always does... changing who she is to fit in with the cool crowd.

And that Dylan guy!

That sappy surf story sounded so hokey.

I bet he's not even really Hawaiian!

And now she's in an altered state and she's making decisions that are gonna have a permanent impact on her body!

And if he's lying about this, what else is he hiding?

together: I gotta do something.

[instrument buzzing]

I can't decide if I want it on my shoulder blade or my neck.

Let your heart decide.

Summer's almost over.

You sure you won't look back with any regrets?

Shane, we need to talk.

Don't go too far.

What do you really know about this Dylan guy?

His story is ridiculous!

Liam, I am this close to finally snorkeling with Swordfish over there.

Look, I get it, you're jealous.

I am not jealous! I'm cautious.

Didn't Theo teach us not to trust new people?

May I join you brotados?

Brotados! [laughs]

Hey, I love that. Love that.

Uh, do you say that in... where are you from again?

Paia, on the north side of Maui.

Oh, that sounds... real.

Sharkskin is fifth generation Hawaiian.

How cool is that?

Actually, I think he might be the coolest person I know.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Dude, I've seen you stand barefoot on hot cement for, like, an hour.

Well, my people have walked on fire for generations.

Fine. Let's see you do it.

Karma, you're up. Come on.

Oh!

Oops.

Is that what that did?

It really feels like things are changing.

Did you know the UN just declared intersex rights are human rights?

Uh-huh. Fascinating.

There you are.

Port-a-johns should be outlawed in first world countries.

I was going to tweet this pic of us, but I wanted to run it by you first.

Approved! Ooh!

Our skin tones are so compatible!

Yay! I'll tag you.

I'm sure your fans will love it.

I know mine will!

Your fans?

Well, I only have 600 followers so far, but they're growing every day.

We should do a collab.

With my sense of humor and your inspirational backstory, there's no way it wouldn't be great for both our brands.

What do you think?

I think you're not here for the right reasons, Erika.

Yes, I am.

I came hoping we could be friends.

I have plenty of friends. Too many, really.

What I need is a friendtern.

[sighs] You.

What's your name?

Bernadette.

From now on, you're New Lisbeth.

Oh, my!

I knew it!

You so deserve this! You have to stay over tonight.

We'll order pizza, and I'll quiz you.

I made flashcards of all of Lauren's likes and dislikes.

Dylan, you don't have to do this.

You have nothing to prove.

Well, I don't know if he has nothing to prove...

Shh. To do this, I have to get into a meditative state.

Sure you do.

[sizzling]

[kids groaning, murmuring]

Oh-oh-oh! [laughs]

[cheers and applause]

Did it!

Oh, come on!

That doesn't prove anything.

These coals are not even that hot.

Well, then you do it.

Fine.

I will.

Let's do this.

It wasn't enough for you to crash the party, you just had to crash something else?

Well, now I know why I wasn't invited.

Because I know that you're not someone who cliff-jumps and smokes pot and gets tattoos.

You weren't invited because tonight's not about you.

And you have no right to tell me who I am.

I know you better than anyone else.

So let me get this straight.

You get to change this summer, but I can't?

No, you're twisting my words.

If you wanted everything to stay the same, well, maybe you shouldn't have left.

There it is.

You finally admitted that you're pissed at me!

No more of this "it's all good" passive aggressive Malibu Barbie crap.

Of course I'm pissed at you!

You left me crying in the middle of the street, you weren't gonna say good-bye, and now you don't even feel bad about it!

I'm sorry you were hurt. But I'm not sorry I left.

That's the most [bleep] non-apology I've ever heard.

I'm not gonna apologize for taking care of myself.

And it's... it's not like you were sitting around all summer crying, Starfish!

[scoffs]

Oh, there were tears. Oceans of them.

I thought that they would never end.

The only reason I got out of bed was to come to work.

These people were there for me, unlike you.

Why are we even fighting about this?

I left. It worked.

I'm back, and I'm over you. We should be celebrating.

Not until you own what you did.

I won't apologize for leaving.

Starfish, you're next.

Excuse me while I get a tattoo to commemorate my awesome summer.

Karma.

Ah, ah, ah! Turns out, he is Hawaiian.

You, uh... You okay?

I'm trained in first aid. I could look at your feet.

I'll be fine.

It hurt less than my pride.

[chuckles]

Man, I can't believe I did that.

Well, if you need proof, I have video.

I always figured that Karma would date someone new, but... when that guy was also friends with you, it was too much.

My whole system crashed.

Can we just not make it a big thing?

Boo, way to take all the fun out of it.

Man, it just feels like I'm being replaced.

Liam, after you carried me to the nurse's office, what did I tell you?

What did I tell you?

That I was your best friend.

Exactly. The best.

Not one of the best.

That's still true.

That's good to hear.

Maybe you could say it one more time in front of Sharkskin?

I'll have to think about it.

Please!

Okay, here we go.

Last chance to back out.

Nope. Just do it, I'm ready.

[instrument buzzing]

This is gonna look sick.

Starfish, you okay?

It's all good.

[melancholy music]

♪ I want you back ♪
♪ Stay the same ♪
♪ ♪

Amy, I've had a long day.

I really don't want to talk about Karma.

[sniffs]

You okay?

♪ Stay the same ♪
♪ When I hear you laugh ♪

Oh...

Oh.

Okay... I guess we hug now.