03x07 - Young & Rob'd

[bunniefuu]

Okay, I'm doing my free spray tan now.

Uh, no you are not!

I'm locking up for Martina, so she said that I could get the free spray tan.

What? But you're already a beautiful shade of J-Lo. You don't need it.

Fine, you can have it.

And then afterwards, can we go barhopping and meet some guys?

No, I can't. You know...

Josh.

Gabi, you and Josh have been broken up for, like, a month.

Okay? You are allowed to date.

Am I? I mean, Josh is in therapy, working on his commitment issues and I want to be with him, so I should wait, right?

Why can't you date while you wait?

I feel like it's one or the other, you know? I'm either dating or I'm waiting, and right now, I'm...

(clunking and jingling)

Oh, my God, someone's breaking in!

(gasps) He's robbing Martina!

Okay, we gotta call 9-1-1.

Grab... grab your phone.

Okay. Good idea.

Whoa.

Whoa.

(shutter clicks)

I'm not stealing, okay? I was just taking money out of the jar... which sounds a lot like stealing, but it's not.

Okay, well, I'm calling 9-1-1.

No, no, no, no, seriously.

Oh, just save it.

Wait, wait, wait, Sofia. Let the cute guy talk.

Hi, what's your name?

Rob.

What's your last name? "Ber"?

(laughs) Rob Ber. You're funny.

(laughs) I'm funny too.

Gabi. Explain yourself.

My car is parked next door in the garage and I can't get it out because they only accept cash.

I tried the ATM, but it's broken.

I saw the light on, so I came in to see if I could borrow 20 from Martina.

Oh, Sofia, he knows Martina. It's fine.

Gabi, what does that say?

Martina's.

Oh.

Look, I was definitely gonna pay the money back tomorrow.

I love dolphins. You know they're the only animals that have sex for pleasure, well, besides us?

Oh, my God, dimples and brains.

Look, I really gotta go. I'll just find another ATM.

No! No, don't go!

Um, I mean, uh...

Here you go.

What are you doing?

I promise, I'm gonna pay you back.

Yeah, like that's ever gonna happen.

Over dinner tomorrow night?

Both: What?

Gabi, let me get your number.

I thought you said you were wait...

Dating. I said dating.

(theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turned my head ♪
♪ She run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby

(giggles)

What's so funny?

Is that the video I sent you of Elliot trying to do yoga?

No, this is better.

His name is Rob.

Oh, I'd get in a bunch of positions with him!

Yolanda, we met last night at Martina's and it was so romantic.

(whispers) I loaned him money.

(whispers) Why are we whispering?

Well, Josh is doing his therapy thing, and we never talked about my thing seeing other things, so I don't want him to know about my maybe dinner thing 'cause that can maybe ruin everything.

Oh, I get it!

While Josh is on pause, you wanna get in someone else's drawers.

You nasty!

Well, it's not like I want to be with anybody else.

You know, I wanna be with Josh, but when he rejected me, it felt so bad, and when Rob asked me out, it felt so good.

And you know, good is so much better than bad.

Plus, I mean, helloooo.

(phone beeps)

Ooh, hello! It's him.

Who?

It's you. I'm excited it's you.

Aw, thanks. I'm excited too.

You know, my therapist just gave me this new technique to help me with my commitment issues.

Intensive journaling.

I just write down all my thoughts and feelings right here, kind of like the journal that I kept as a kid, except this time, my super hot nanny won't read it and quit.

Gabi, I really think I'm on the verge of a breakthrough.

A breakthrough? Wow. Hey, that's... that's great.

Um, you don't think that's gonna happen before tonight, do you?

(chuckles) No, it doesn't work that fast.

(chuckles)

Okay, then you shouldn't use the word "verge."

So what kinds of things do you journal about?

Elliot, my journal is private.

Fine. I don't need to know.

(whispers) I must know.

(rattling)

I cannot believe you are gonna go out with that robber.

Rob.

Gabi, the only reason I let you give him your phone number is because I thought he was so sketchy, he would never call.

But he did!

Yay!

Gabi, I looked him up. He's not on Facebook.

You know who's not on Facebook?

Criminals, hoodlums, and my Aunt Becky who lives in the forest.

Sofie, it's just one date, okay? Will you stop freaking out?

And let's look at the facts.

A, he's really hot, and B...

(knocking)

He's here.

$20 and nine cents interest.

I work in finance.

(gasps)

(whispers) He has a job!

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

(chuckles)

Oh, boy. Anyone can make a gold-embossed business card with a bank's official logo with three different ways of contacting them.

I see it all the time.

Okay. My car's downstairs.

Oh, so is hers.

Gabi, you're driving because I want you to be able to get away if he starts any funny business.

Sofia...

And I want you to check in with me every hour on the hour, and if you don't...

Yeah, do you wanna just come with us?

I think that would probably be for the best.

Go!

Okay, Josh, we're gonna go... unless you need me to do anything else... like run a hot bath, play some Enya, and read your journal back to you.

Uh, no thanks, guys. I'm good. I'll see you tomorrow.

That was just sad.

Am I the only one who's dying to know what's in that journal?

Frankly, I don't think it's any of our business.

You saw it!

Maybe I did.

Maybe I was dusting his office.

Maybe I looked over his shoulder.

And maybe you should start looking for another job.

What?

Hm, I can't say anymore.

But I did read the words "need to make a change," "dead weight," and, "Do I really need a publicist?"

(ding)

Oh! But I do remember one good thing.

Yeah?

He said I was the mother he always dreamed of having.

(ding)

(laughs)

Rob, tonight has been really fun.

I am so glad that dolphin broke his flipper.

You make it sound like the night's over.

Oh. Well, I didn't mean to. It was an accident.

I'm gonna run into the liquor store and grab us a bottle of wine.

Okay.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Sofia, it's my ten o'clock check-in.

Gabi, if he's holding you against your will, say "banana."

Will you give it a rest? We've been talking nonstop.

I told him all about my job being a chef and he told me all about his job doing... something that requires something boring.

Trust me, he's a really great guy.

You were so wrong about him and you have nothing to worry about.

Oh, he's coming. Okay, I gotta go. Bye.

Hey.

Drive, drive, drive!

Oh, my God!

Banana, banana, banana!

I told you he was bad!

What happened?

Um, we may have just a little bit... robbed a liquor store.

What?!

Quick! I need lighter fluid, nail polish remover, and more hairspray!

I have to destroy the evidence!

Gabi, just...

Okay, just tell me exactly what happened!

No! I can't!

Or you won't have that thing where you don't know anything!

Huh?

(pants) You know, the thing where you can't testify against me because you don't have any information.

You mean for robbing a liquor store? You already told me.

Damn it!

Okay, just take a deep breath please and... and then tell me exactly what happened.

Okay, so right after I talked to you and everything was going great, everything went bad.

Rob jumped in the car with his hood up, all out of breath and yelled, "Drive, drive, drive!"

So, I asked him, you know, "Rob, what's wrong?"

But he screamed, "Just drive!"

So, I just drove and after a few blocks, he remembered he "had a thing," so I dropped him off at some corner and he ran into the night!

Oh, my God! We gotta call the police!

No, no, no, no! Sofia, I drove the getaway car.

I'm an accessory!

Oh, my God, what if he comes back to k*ll me because I'm a witness?!

Gabi, believe me, that guy is so far out of town right now.

(knocking)

Gabi, it's Rob!

Oh, my God, he's in town. He's in town!

Okay, calm down, calm down. What do you think he's gonna do?

m*rder you for being a witness and then m*rder me for witnessing him m*rder a witness?

Oh, no... I'm not wearing the underwear that I want to die in!

Okay, let's just get out of here!

Let's escape!

Okay. Fire escape, fire escape!

(both panting)

What now? What now? What now?

Let's go to Yolanda's.

Okay.

No! No! She's not home!

What's today?

Uh, T... Tuesday.

Damn it! It's Afro Soul Night at The Zoom Room!

What now? What now?

Call her!

No, I can't! My phone is in my evidence purse.

You call her.

No, I... I can't. My phone's dead!

Like we're gonna be if we go back in there!

Oh, this is what I get for dating and not waiting!

Okay, I'm gonna do it.

(knocking)

Rob: Gabi!

Run!

Run!

Elliot's voice: If I was a tablet containing Josh's deepest thoughts about me, where would I be?

Darn!

If I was a macaroon in Josh's cookie jar, what flavor would I be?

Raspberry.

Ow.

(snorts, groans)

I can't believe it.

I layeth next to my forbidden love and our hearts doth b*at as one.

Stop, Elliot!

Thou must focus.

Sleep well, my little prince.

Ow.

Oh, my God, you're a genius.

I can never remember her lockbox code.

Gabi, it's four zeros.

(sighs) Okay, good call coming into Martina's.

Nothing bad ever happens to me here.

Except for that one time I got bangs.

Gabi, Rob could be following us. We need to call the police.

No, no, no, no, there has to be another option.

What about Josh?

(whines)

No!

No. Whining until I give in is just not gonna work this time.

(whines)

I'm calling him.

No!

Sofia, we can't call Josh, okay?

Because even though it's probably not gonna work out with Rob...

Oh, "probably"?

I just don't think he needs to know.

We need a rich guy with lawyers.

Do you know one of those who isn't Josh?

No.

Fine. I'll call.

Boop, boop, boop.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

I see you booping.

(phone rings)

Gabi: Josh! Josh!

Gabi?

Wait, where are you?

Okay, I'm on my way!

"I can't stop thinking about Gabi. Why can't I commit to this amazing woman?"

This is what I left Josh's bed for?

Find "Elliot."

Zero results?!

Yolanda set me up!

That bitch!

(footsteps)

(beeping)

Female electronic voice: Motion detectors on in five, four, three, two, one.

(beep)

Motion detectors on.

Aah! Help!

Are you guys okay? Gabi, what's going on?

Josh, this is really hard for me to say, but the truth is that, uh...

Sofia may have accidentally been involved in a liquor store robbery.

What?

Well, to be fair, she didn't know he was a criminal until she was driving the getaway car.

But for the record, I thought he was sketchy.

Oh, wow. Sofia, I'm really surprised.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Gabi, what was I thinking?

She wasn't. She was hypnotized by the allure of his dimples.

Anyway, uh, when he showed up at our place looking for her, we ran to the fire escape and we called you.

(phone rings)

That's weird. It's my alarm company.

Hello?

Yes, this is Josh Kaminski.

Oh, my God. Rob is robbing Josh.

Why would he do that?

Because he's a robber.

This is what he does!

Okay.

Let me make a phone call. I'm sure we don't need the police.

No! We need the police! We need the police!

We need the police! We need the police!

Why do we need the police?

Sofia told her date that I work for Josh Kaminski, who's a really rich tech millionaire and he has lots of nice stuff.

Sofia, why would you tell him that?

Because she really wanted to impress him... h... she... him... she... Soph...

Me, okay?! It was me!

I was the one who went on the date.

I'm the one who drove the getaway car.

I'm the one who told him you live in the fanciest building in Nob Hill with a night doorman who's always playing Candy Crush, and he's obviously over there right now robbing you blind!

Oh, my God.

I know. I am so sorry. This is all my fault.

You're dating?!

(ding)

Okay, stay behind me.

Mr. Kamin...

(screams)

Yes? I'm Josh Kaminski. How can I help you? Is everything okay?

Now it is.

But you were being robbed.

Both: Oh, my God!

We got the guy. He's not going quietly.

(sobs)

I'm too pretty to go to prison!

Elliot?

Found this man frozen on all fours in your living room.

I'm just thankful he wasn't naked.

I could tell you some stories.

Okay, this is my publicist. He works here.

This is a misunderstanding.

Yeah!

The only crime committed here was that he didn't write about me in his journal!

How do you know that?

Elliot!

I told you my journal was private!

Obviously this is just a lovers' quarrel.

No need to write this up.

Yes, no need to write anything about me.

No one else does.

Well, uh, looks like we're done here.

No, no, no, no, Officer.

There was a crime committed tonight, down at the liquor store on the corner of Olive and Birch.

I know 'cause I was there, and now the very handsome robber is after me and my roommate.

Oh, no crime was committed there.

I was just there buying some feminine products.

For my daughter.

I'm a single dad. She's 11. Is that too early for her to start her womanhood?

(whistles)

Not nowadays.

Girls are getting their periods at nine.

It's the hormones in the milk.

Hey!

We are in danger here.

We need a police escort back to our house.

Okay. I can take you back, but I need to ask you a few questions.

Officer, we will give you all the information you need.

On those feminine pads, what are the wings for?

Police! I'm comin' in!

(phone chimes)

Oh, it's my voice mail.

Oh, my God! It's him!

Wait, Officer Morrison!

This is the guy. He left me a voice mail.

Maybe he'll say something to prove he's a thief.

Hey, Gabi. It's me, Rob.

You didn't answer your door, so I'm calling to explain what happened at the liquor store.

Here we go.

Gabi, I'm a bad, bad guy.

This is it, this is it.

I have a girlfriend, and when I went into the liquor store, she was there, so I panicked and ran.

I kind of live with her, so if you still want to hang out, call me at work.

Yes! He has a girlfriend.

I mean... Yes, no crime was committed.

We can all sleep, uh, a little better tonight.

I won't.

My daughter just texted me to bring home some rocky road, The Notebook, and Midol.

It's gonna be a long night.

Okay, I'm just gonna get going.

Wait. Josh?

We need to talk.

(chuckles) Boy, do we ever.

I mean, I didn't want to scare Officer Morrison, but I didn't get my period until I was... Good night.

I just want to say, I'm really sorry for dating behind your back even though it wasn't really behind your back because we're not together.

Gabi, you don't have to apologize.

Then why do I feel like I need to apologize?

Because you should.

What? Listen, Josh, if you want me to wait until you solve your issues, just say that and that's what I'll do.

I want you to wait.

But that's not fair!

Look, if you want to date... then you should...

Okay. n't.

What?!

You shouldn't... but you can... n't.

Josh, do you want me to date or not?

No.

But I can't ask you to wait.

That's not right.

So, I'm dating?

I guess... you're dating.

And you're okay with that?

I guess...

I'm okay with that.

As long as every date ends with you calling me up in the middle of the night telling me what a disaster it was.

Deal.

Good night, Gabi.

Night, Josh.

(vocalizing)

Whoo! Boom!

Oh, my damn.

Am I at your penthouse?

I'm drunker than I thought!

You mind if I come in?

Josh, I know what I did was really wrong but I just have to say it really hurts that you didn't mention me at all in your journal.

Would you like to know why?

It doesn't even matter! I...

Yes.

Because you're my best friend, Elliot.

When I have feelings I want to express, I just talk to you freely.

We have a completely open and honest relationship.

We do?

We did.

Until you violated my privacy and you shattered my trust.

I'm really sorry, Josh.

♪ I'm getting in the journal ♪