02x12 - No Weddings & a Funeral

[bunniefuu]

Today, we mourn the loss of Thad Weber, a fine son, brother, and fiancé.

I don't want to lie anymore.

I'm gonna tell Kelsey everything.

What?

It's just all gone too far.

Liza, I know you want to clear your conscience, but is that really the best thing for Kelsey?

She deserves to know.

Her fiancé just d*ed.

Now you're going to tell her that her good friend's an imposter that's been lying about her identity for the past few months?

You may want to consider your timing.

I shall fear no evil.

You're right.

Our faith is what keeps us strong.

Oh, my God, Josh. Two o'clock.

Life is short.

We can't know or question God's plan.

And now, I'd like to ask Thad's brother Chad to say a few words.

Oh, my God.

Thad has a twin?

Oh, yeah. He never mentioned it?

No.

Yeah, not surprised.

They didn't really get along.

It's no secret that my brother and I were super competitive.

When you're a twin, you work extra hard to distinguish yourself.

But we shared a lot of the same interests.

We... we rowed together at Brown, and we chased the same beautiful girls.

But whatever we did, Thad always had to come out ahead.

So it's no surprise that he...

He b*at me to the big guy upstairs.

[sobbing]

God, that's gonna haunt me forever.

[energetic music]

♪ ♪

[soft music]

♪ ♪

This is just so weird.

I mean, I can't even tell who's who.

They called them the Webbervii.

Yeah, Chad was the sweet one. Vegan.

You know, works for a clean energy nonprofit.

Ugh, Thad was always tricking his girlfriends into sleeping with him.

You know, I'm gonna go find Kelsey.

I just... want to check up on her.

Yeah, yeah. I'll keep an eye on this one.

Thank you.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm okay.

This weirdly feels like my wedding.

All the same people are here.

Except for those girls. Who are they?

Every time I look over there, they scatter like pigeons.

Watch.

And why are they crying?

I should be the one that's crying, and I can't. Not a single tear.

You're still in shock.

You should be the one in shock.

You were there.

And I still don't understand why were you there?

Excuse me. I...

Oh, Chad, this is Liza.

She's the one that was there when...

Oh. Oh, you're the one.

Oh, my God. You are so lucky you're alive.

Do you realize that there have been four construction fatalities in Manhattan this year?

I already filed a complaint with OSHA, but I hop you'll file as well.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure.

Kelsey, I got Thad's laptop, which I'd like to access.

Do you have the password?

I don't, no.

He... he was always changing it.

You know what? Why don't I have the IT department take a look at it?

You guys shouldn't have to deal with this.

Oh, no, I-I don't want anyone to see it until I can check his photos and delete his browser history.

You know, just to protect his privacy.

Thanks, Chad.

You're welcome.

Oh.

Okay, that's good.

Hi.

Hi.

You look great.

I'm sorry. That was inappropriate.

How's Greta?

Saw some really cute pictures of you guys.

She's good.

Yeah, she seems really... Really cool... and young.

So this is crazy.

I mean, you were there.

Uh, yeah...

I was.

Must have been awful.

It really was.

All I've wanted to do since I heard the news was just... be there for you and...

I've thought a lot about you during all of this too.

I'm just... sad.

Yeah, I'm sad too.

You want to be sad together?

[energetic music]

♪ ♪

[exhales deeply]

Um, that was great.

That was mourning sex.

What are you talking about? It's 3:00 in the afternoon.

You know what I mean.

[exhales deeply]

I missed you.

I missed you too.

There's so many times when I wanted to say, "I'm sorry."

Josh, you have nothing to be sorry about.

I'm the one who's sorry.

You deserve everything, and I was selfish.

It's okay. I understand.

No, it's really not.

This little lie of mine, it's gone too far.

[exhales sharply] I'm like "The Butterfly Effect."

What's "The Butterfly Effect"?

It's this theory.

It's like when a butterfly flaps its wings in Africa, it can start a chain reaction that causes a hurricane in New York.

That's me.

Hurricane Liza, Category Five.

Yeah.

Leaving a path of destruction in my wake.

Yeah. Well, um... you certainly can be a force of nature.

[romantic music]

♪ ♪

Babe?

Oh, sh*t. It's Greta.

What? How?

Yeah. She has a key.

Josh? Josh?

Wha... I never had a key.

Josh?

Yes, one sec, babe.

Can you hide?

Seriously? Where exactly would I do that?

Here.

Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. How are you?

Good? Mm-hmm.

Mmhmm.

[upbeat music]

Good morning.

Liza, yesterday was the funeral.

Today, we soldier on.

Yes, of course.

While I am very sympathetic, we can't lose sight of our own responsibilities.

We have a meeting today with Stephanie Smith.

Is she one of the "Housewives"?

Stephanie Smith is one of the biggest celebrity astrologers on the planet.

I've been reading her columns in "Interview" magazine for years.

She is uncanny.

Sorry, I'm not familiar...

Well, I need you to get familiar.

Quickly.

With Kelsey paralyzed with grief, I'm gonna need you to pick up the slack.

Yes, of course. I'll do whatever it takes.

Okay.

[knocking]

Morning.

Kelsey?

Well, we didn't expect to see you here today.

I need to work. Work is gonna keep me sane.

Excuse me.

Are you sure you really want to come back to the office so quickly?

I'm fine.

I wish everyone would stop worrying about me.

Okay, the last thing I want to do is sit home alone with a new Adele record.

Okay.

And still no tears.

I cried like a baby last week when my favorite shirt shrank in the dryer, but my fiancé gets k*lled, and nothing.

I'm an awful person.

Ladies, let's not keep Stephanie Smith and her 8 million subscribers waiting.

The "Zodiac of Love" will do more than just mix and match compatible signs.

The book delves into the astrological science behind our relationships.

The orgasmic pairings that erupt in sexual fireworks, but are devoid of spiritual comfort.

The bling-bling signs that create wealth and power, but... but not happiness.

[applause]

Stephanie, that sounds amazing.

You know, I've been following your column ever since "Interview" magazine.

Yes, Andy Warhol was my original fan.

I did warn him not to get surgery that day.

If only he'd listened.

If only I'd bought a painting.

But so often we miss what's right in front of us.

What's your sign, darling?

Oh, um, well, actually I'm a Taurus, with, uh, moon in Virgo.

Oh, sweetheart, that's tough.

I mean, you're like a burning building without a hose in sight.

You have no idea.

I'm sorry. My fiancé got k*lled last week by a random piece of construction debris.

Was that in his chart? I'd like to see it.

Was that last Thursday?

Because there was a partial eclipse and things went a little haywire.

Actually it was a Tuesday.

I can't sell people on the idea that they can predict their life.

I'm sorry, I just can't.

Definitely a Sagittarius.

Excuse me.

Kelsey, are you okay?

I'm fine.

I just can't put up with the fairy tales anymore.

I completely understand.

Kelsey.

I'm so sorry to disturb you at work, but there is something that you need to see.

Sure. Um, Chad, you remember Liza?

Definitely.

We just got the surveillance video of the accident taken from the building across the street.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

I think we know what happens after that.

Yeah.

Liza, what were you arguing with my brother about?

Were you two having an affair?

No.

I mean, you were fighting.

We deserve to know what his last moments were about.

Can I talk to Kelsey alone?

Whatever you say to her, you can say to me.

It's okay. I want to talk to Liza.

Well, I still have his computer, and I will figure out his password, so I wouldn't hold back because we'll know everything eventually.

Call me if you need anything. Okay.

What were you arguing with Thad about?

Okay.

I confronted Thad because I found out that he was cheating on you.

With his assistant.

What?

I wish I didn't know, but I did.

And I wanted to tell you, but I wanted him to do the right thing and be honest with you.

So that's why you were meeting with him?

Basically, yes.

I don't even know what to say.

I mean, who made you... the morality police?

What?

People aren't perfect, Liza.

We're all entitled to our own secrets.

Of course, but I was just trying to...

Protect me. I know.

But I have to make my own mistakes, even if that means marrying the wrong guy.

Okay, but...

Not everyone can live up to your standards, Liza.

Maybe if you had stayed out of it, Thad would still... [inhales deeply]

I'm sorry.

I have to get back to work.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Well, Kelsey's little tantrum sent Stephanie Smith running right to Random House.

Well, I guess she should have seen that one coming, right?

Diana, I have some news.

I, uh, I got an offer, uh, elsewhere.

And I'm going to accept it.

This isn't how I wanted to leave, but unfortunately I have to. Today.

Liza, are you sure you know what you're doing?

I do.

And I just want to thank you for everything.

I appreciate it all.

More than you'll ever know.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

Good morning. I'm Becky.

I'll be your temp this week, but I wouldn't mind being your perm.

We'll see about that.

I got you a double tall skim latte.

I got one for me too.

Oh.

Nice necklace, lady.

[chuckles] So what are we doing today?

Where is she?

I honestly don't know. Don't you?

No, she just told me she was signing a non-disclosure agreement, and that it was an offer she couldn't pass up.

Who?

Liza.

Liza quit?

Yes, and it's all my fault.

I blame both of us for stoking her ambition.

Jackie Dunn! Line two!

Don't scream!

That's what your little legs are for!

I'm gonna make some calls, find out where she took a job.

Michelle, thank you so much for hooking me up with this job.

Oh, please. You buy enough here.

They trust you.

Plus you are going to meet so many age appropriate men.

I'm not gonna say I told you so.

I'm really not looking to meet anyone new.

I just want health insurance.

This is gonna be so much fun.

We can meet for your lunch break at Houlihan's, and we can use your discount, right?

Not for three months.

But you can put things on hold for me until then, right?

There's a big pile of returns that need to be folded when you're done with your... customer.

Okay.

Well, I'll let you do your thing.

Thanks.

Do you have these in a double XL with a horizontal fly?

My husband is a wide Wayne.

♪ On the other side ♪
♪ On the other side ♪

Hey.

Hey.

How was your first day?

Not bad.

It was actually kind of relaxing to turn my brain off, not have to pretend all the time.

Yeah? I'm not buying it.

Okay, fine.

Some weird guy kept asking me to measure his inseam.

Ugh.

But it's a great company.

And I'll, uh, I'll get full benefits.

You can really give up on your dreams just like that?

Oh, come on, you know it's not "just like that."

You seem more fake now than when you were acting like you were 26.

No, I'm just facing reality.

Yet you're running away from a life that you created for yourself, and as crazy as it was, it seems a lot more authentic than whatever this is.

Here you go. The receipt's in the bag.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Excuse me, Miss. Can you please help me?

Oh, my God, Denise. Hi.

Oh, look at you. What are you... moonlighting?

No. I left Empirical.

Oh.

It's a long story.

Uh, so you're in retail now, huh?

Yeah.

You girls change careers like underwear.

[laughter]

I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone you saw me here.

Oh, no.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody I'm shopping at the Paramus Mall.

All the sales in New York are picked over, so...

Your secret's safe with me.

Okay.

You look tired. Everything okay?

Oh, yeah. Everything's great.

Everything's great?

Totally.

I mean, change is good.

Change is good.

You know what?

I want you to come over to the house and have dinner.

Okay? Don't be a stranger.

I won't.

Good to see you.

You too.

♪ Drew a line in the sand ♪
♪ You twisted my hand ♪
♪ ♪

[knocking]

I checked every publishing house in town.

I can't find her anywhere.

[exhales sharply]

I thought for certain she'd be scooped up by those mouth breathers at Little Brown.

If she's still in publishing, it's not in New York.

I can check Scribner.

My Aunt Judy used to work in HR there.

She still has her Rolodex.

Will you just be quiet?

I know where she's working.

A department store at the Paramus Mall in New Jersey.

What?

I suspect there's dr*gs involved in this story.

No, this is my fault. I'm the reason she left.

And I can't get her to talk to me.

Diana?

Don't look at me.

I'm not going to New Jersey.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

I'm looking for something... bold, but not too crazy.

Uh, how about this, um, purple paisley?

Trying too hard.

Can't be scared of fashion.

What are you doing here?

You wouldn't understand.

I think I do.

Look, I know when you're young, you think you're responsible for all kinds of things that you have nothing to do with.

But you're not.

Most things in life are out of your control.

You work hard and you try to be good, but sh*t happens.

I appreciate you saying that.

We want you back at Empirical.

I don't know, I...

Just think about it.

While you're at it... think about this.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

I will definitely give that a lot of thought.

♪ ♪

I can ring that up for you, sir.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Good morning.

Good morning.

Straighten up your desk.

We have a lot of catching up to do.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm so sorry for what I said to you.

Kelsey, you were right.

No, I was so wrong.

Please don't ever disappear on me again.

I won't. I won't.

I promise.

[sobbing]

Oh, my God.

I'm finally crying.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Hey.

Hey. What are you doing here?

Maybe that wasn't just mourning sex.

What are you talking about?

I broke up with Greta.

Look...

I want to be with you.

Whatever that means.

I'm all in.

[Extreme Music's "Small Explosions"]

♪ Small explosions ♪
♪ Small explosions like I've never seen ♪