02x04 - Working Girl

[bunniefuu]

[KETTLE WHISTLES]

Whoa, that was a tough quiz.

Turns out, if I was a font, I would be... Wingdings.

Not now, Germaine.

Are you ready? We'll be leaving in 137 seconds.

There's been an accident on the Merridale Road so I need to allow 90 seconds for an angry bypass.

Aretha: I am ready. We start economics today, so I've been binging all night on Jeremy Bentham, which wasn't easy, as Mariah was sleep-barking.

Grampy: Here you go, Educating Rita.

My contribution to your exciting new life in adult education.

A lovely pea coat.

Just to point out... this covers me for the next two Christmases.

Where's Germaine's present?

There is no present for Germaine.

All my eggs are in the Aretha basket now.

She's going places.

What's that smell, Grampy?

Just a bit of fox piss.

You wouldn't believe I found this in a bush, would you?

I also found this gentleman's sports hoodie.

It's like an end-of-season sale down at that hedge.

Don't worry, I'll Febreeze you in the car, bab. Let's go.

Hey, guess what?

Germaine, if there is a spare moment between me getting back from work, forking 37 sausages and slipping Mariah her Night Nurse, you can have the remaining nine seconds of my free time.

But Mum...

I missed my period this month.

Ex-f*ck-me?!

Raised by Wolves 2x04
"Working Girl"

See, Mum, you thought Aretha was exciting, but actually, it's me.

Germaine, this is not my excitement face, this is my "another five frigging years of Peppa frigging Pig" face.

Right, here it is, the Panic Box.

AKA the Kit of Regret. Last time I opened this, your father was behind me on his knees, praying and crying.

sh*t! They're all out of date!

These cheap ones have a shelf-life of a frigging banana.

Oh, well. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if a baby comes out in nine months.

All eyes on Germaine!

No, we frigging won't!

You're coming to work with me to pick up some £1 piss sticks.

A PoundLord pregnancy test? That's not very Kardashian.

Why don't I just get my ultrasound done at Cash Converters?

Germaine, until science gives me two blue lines, you will not use phrases like "ultrasound".

You will not describe yourself as "glowing", and at no point are you "eating for two"! You get me?

Christ!

Does no-one else in this house flush the frigging toilet?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Slow down! I might fall!

Della: Aretha! I'm frigging late now. You'll have to get the bus.

Don't worry, Aretha. If I was barren like you, I'd have to get the bus, too.

Come on, The People's Princess.

Here. You'll have to Febreeze yourself.

Christ, here we go.

I should have known that Callum was a fertile bugger.

It's those low-slung jeans they wear nowadays.

Too much cool air round the goolies, preserving little sperms.

Grampy, if Germaine had lost her virginity I'm pretty sure we'd have heard about it.

She bought a pinata when she found her first pubic hair.

I bloody hope so.

A new arrival would very bad news.

We're packed in here like the cast of Das Boot as it is.

Your mum will be wanting my nook for the little 'un.

I know how it goes. Last in, first out.

Just like it was at Leyland DAF.

[MUSIC]

I'm craving ice cream. Can we go to Baskin Robbins?

We could discuss baby names over a Choccywoccydoodah.

Germaine, the only conversation I want to have is with the hormones in your piss.

And it won't be over Choccywoccydoodah.

[GERMAINE GASPS]

I updated my Facebook status to "Might be pregnant lol!" and it's already got seven likes. That's the most I've had since I posted that photo of Grampy's leg ulcer.

Being pregnant makes you popul-ar!

Drink all of that, now. I want your bladder full and ready to talk, like a pissy prisoner of w*r.

Music: Baby Love by The Supremes

♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪

[MUSIC DISTANT IN BACKGROUND]

Della, you're late. I'm short-staffed here and Janine hasn't bloody turned up again.

The powers-that-be at PoundLord will not stand for this.

I did tell you not to hire Janine.

Anyone with a bra that tight's bound to get thrombosis.

I'm not happy, Della. I've already had to state the Panda Cola multipack prices three times now.

Germaine: Hey, guys, stop with all the aggro!

It might affect the baby and it'll turn out ginger.

Chill out, Charlie. I'll be out in five.

Take these off my wages.

I will! I will take 'em off your wages!

And I'll use my executive till key to do it!

And turn that frigging music off, eh, bab?

Customer: How much is this, cocker?

That's a pound, love. Everything here is a pound.

Mm.

♪ Need ya ♪
♪ Baby love, ooh, baby love... ♪

You'll be out on your ear, too, when the babbie comes.

It's no fun being the second youngest, you know.

Warps you, it does.

Just look at young Mariah.

Oi, Mariah.

You'll stand up for your old Grampy when the pregnancy brigade comes calling looking for cot space, won't you?

No! You never play with us.

Well, that is straight-up bollocks, kid.

You're boring, Grampy.

Well, then.

How about we have some quality time together?

Play some footy, all that malarkey.

And you tell your mum that if Grampy gets kicked out of the nook, you'll be emotionally damaged and most likely end up on the brown.

Deal?

Deal.

Right, then. Drop your glasses and grab your asses.

It's Grampy Fun Day!

Are you pissing on all three sticks?

I want cross-referenced data on this one.

Here we go. Knickers down. The stream of truth!

Mouth shut, bladder open.

Wow, my urethra is not where I thought it was!

I need to explore myself more!

Oh, my frigging blood pressure!

Here we go. The moment of truth.

Let me see the stick.

Tension builds. What will the result be?

Germaine, open the door.

And the winner is... wait for it...

Mum!

[SHE SIGHS]

Thank Christ. The empty piss window of relief.

Well, that was thrilling.

Can you take me home now?

I've got the Which Serial k*ller Are You? quiz waiting for me.

I'm really hoping I'm a Bundy.

Germaine, you have just dodged a 7lb, screaming, sh1tting, fleshy b*llet.

You ought to be Fort Knox-ing your vag*na, not tossing about with a quiz.

Hey, Mum, don't be down on motherhood.

I know how it goes.

Loads of attention for nine months, lovely baby shower, then out pops someone whose sole purpose is to love you.

Motherhood is the greatest job on Earth.

I saw that on a mug, out there.

Let me give you the job description for motherhood.

Year one: five hours a day shoving a creature resembling an enraged otter into a jumpsuit.

Years two and three: the creature now appears to be a lemming that repeatedly tries to throw itself down the stairs.

Years four to 12: shouting, stomping, nits.

13 to 16: wet towels, self-pity, desperate pleas for the latest iPhone.

16 onwards: vast financial outlay, unreturned calls to the mobile phone you bought the frigger and pregnancy scares in a pound shop toilet!

Do you want that job, Germaine? You going to submit your CV?

Erm... how's that comfort break going?

I'm hearing a lot of chatting, not a lot of flushing.

That Russian Pantene won't stack itself, Della...!

You know what?

You're going to learn what having children entails, which is spending most of your time away from them engaged in gruelling minimum-wage labour whilst not smoking.

I'm going to take you to the heart of f*cking darkness, Germaine.

You're going to do a PoundLord shift.

Music: Freakum Dress by Beyonce

♪ Oh, put your freakum dress on ♪
♪ Oh, put your freakum dress on ♪
♪ Oh, every woman got one ♪
♪ Oh, put your freakum dress on... ♪

Oh, chill out, Ronaldo!

Goal! USA! USA!

Come on, Cher!

Some defence would be nice. We're being annihilated here!

You can't shout on Grampy Fun Day!

Oh, yeah. It's the taking part that's fun, eh?

Why don't you have some Grampy Fun Day, Yoko?

I wouldn't want to hog it all.

You've got natural goal-keeping hands.

They're like shovels.

I don't think I can have a Fun Day, Grampy.

This book is making me sad.

Over-population? Tell me about it.

I've been on the library waiting list for Fifty Shades Darker since July.

I don't think Germaine's baby's such a good idea.

But if it comes, I will try to love it.

Like the Christmas I wanted WALL-E but I got a Terminator.

Penalties!

Yeah! Penalties!

Penalties? You must be kidding? I'm bleeding knackered here!

We had a deal!

Yeah, all right.

Penalties.

There goes Woman's Hour.

Tannoy: Welcome to PoundLord, where everything is a pound. That's right.

Everything you see is one pound.

Now, Della... How much is this?

Both: It's a pound. Everything here is a pound.

This is Germaine. She's covering for Janine for the day.

One does not simply "cover for Janine", Della.

What about our rigorous PoundLord training scheme?

If there's a fire, run out of a door.

If there's a flood, run up some stairs.

Those are the shelves. That's a customer.

No paper towels down the bog. And everything's a pound.

That cover it?

It was more dynamic with my PowerPoint slides, but fair enough.

I can't afford to pay her, though.

I'm not being a wageless intern.

Wageless intern's fine by me.

The extra sense of futility'll be educational.

Oh, well, in that case, welcome aboard, Lorraine.

Germaine. My name is Germaine.

And given Lorraine is female, perhaps you could start off by clearing up that spillage in Feminine Hygiene?

Yeah, you go and enjoy your intact perineum while you scrape up knock-off Vagisil, Lorraine.

And do wear gloves, Lorraine. That Vagulon is corrosive.

No, dude. Your patriarchal attitude is corrosive.

Germaine, out!

Germaine...

Music: "Stop With The Chatter" by Rizzle Kicks

♪ RK come through to deal with the matter ♪
♪ Old school drums but the sound ain't frizzled ♪
♪ Old school flow don't be doubting on Rizzle ♪
♪ Smart like Malcolm out of Malcolm In The Middle ♪
♪ And my bars are really, really smart like a riddle ♪
♪ You diggle? Yeah! ♪
♪ Living to do this, yeah I'm on a roll... ♪

Welcome to Economics, think-ateers.

Learners of the world, unite!

I'm Ruby Wheelwright and I'm here to demonstrate, as Marx did, that economics permeates everything.

[BOOKS CRASHING THE FLOOR]

The invisible hand of the free market there.

Point proved, I think.

[ARETHA GIGGLES]

She's rather young.

Age is no indication of intellect, Brenda. Just look at Walt.

Can I smell fox urine?

Right, let's get started.

What say we pile in with some cold, hard economic theory?

Let's start with Jeremy Bentham.

Bentham?! Get in!

♪ Working 9 to 5 ♪
♪ What a way to make a living ♪
♪ Barely gettin' by ♪
♪ It's all taking and no giving ♪
♪ They just use your mind... ♪

It's a pound, dude. Everything here is a pound.

Jeez! Get with the ethos.

♪ Drive you crazy if you let it ♪
♪ 9 to 5... ♪

If you were being paid, you'd have earned enough by lunchtime for a pack of 20 Pampers for your baby to sh*t in.

Tannoy: Lorraine to aisle three for a tampon restock.

That's Lorraine to the tampons.

♪ I swear sometimes that man is out to get me... ♪

[SHE YAWNS]

What a day! Nine to five, eh?

Glad that is over. So... home time?

Pick up a couple of cold ones on the way and bitch about Charlie's hair?

Germaine, it's 10.17am.

You've been employed for exactly 11 minutes.

11 minutes?!

Oh! Time goes so slowly in here.

It's like watching Grampy get out of a chair.

I'll tell you about time going slowly.

My labour with you was 72 hours. So if your contractions started now, you'd be just about pushing the head out during Saturday Kitchen, screaming in agony while James Martin tucks into some pulled pork.

And then next week you'd be back at Pound Lord, selling 1 pound wet wipes to pay for 1 pound wet wipes, while your nips leak milk.

You get me?

Can anyone break down the components of economic growth for me?

Aretha, what have you got?

Economic growth equals the product of capital investment and labour hours worked.

Great stuff, Aretha.

But can I make one tiny addition?

You absolutely can.

Total factor productivity is also a component of economic growth.

Always remember total factor productivity.

I will always remember total factor productivity.

She's a bit full-on, isn't she? In English we just play Scrabble.

Step off, Brenda, cos this is pure gold.

[BRENDA SNIFFS]

It says here we could all survive the population b*mb if we just practise birth control and become vegetarian.

That's never going to work, Yoko.

Mankind is hard-wired to sacrifice everything for the prospect of nookie and bacon.

[GLASS SMASHES]

Mum's gonna k*ll me.

You know what, kid? She probably will, unless you've got somebody on your side.

So what say I cut you in on the deal I've made with Mariah?

When the baby comes, you tell your mum that you want to keep Grampy... and I'll take all the blame and put it on Mr Sanghera next door.

Capisce?

Hey!

[SCANNER BEEPS]

[BEEPS BECOME FASTER]

I'm the opening credits to 24, starring Kiefer Sutherland!

I wouldn't know, Germaine.

I spend my box-set time fishing Lego out of the toilet and working out how to make a pound of sh*t mince last three days.

I'd bulk it out with peas, myself.

All right, chief?

That's a massive bag of jerk.

I'm flame-grilling three chickens tonight.

You never called me, Della.

I've had a shitty couple of weeks, Bab.

I've got asbestos in my nook, Yoko's gone Goth, Mariah tried to put a bagel in the DVD player, then Juno over here had an hysterical pregnancy.

Sounds like you could do with some R&R.

Rum and rotisserie.

You're right.

I would give my left tit for a good spatchcocking.

You doing your decking?

Yup.

I'm going to get in all the cracks with my industrial power hose.

You'll want a tight nozzle on your end, then.

You can get a lot done when you've got the right equipment.

It's not my first rodeo, Della.

[SPEAKER]

Pa: Della to the sex office.

That's Della to the sex office.

Give me a tinkle if you want to come over.

I'll give you a buzz if I'm free, big fella.

Though, to be fair, I've got this massive bag of jerk to take care of.

I'll leave you to it, then.

You know where I am if you... fancy a spatchcock.

[SHE SIGHS]

I tell you what, Germaine.

I missed Donington Monsters of Rock in 1999 because your skull was stuck in my cervix and you have been rammed up there ever since.

Is there a sex office I don't know about?

And that is why this scholar is anticipating capitalism's next phase, post-capitalism.

Thank you.

That's where we'll pick it up next week, so I'll see you then.

I can smell fox. I think it's you, Aretha.

I love the smell of foxes.

They're such noble creatures.

Oh, and, Brenda, can you work on your definition of fungibility for me?

Some people never grasp fungibility.

Channel 4 economics correspondent Paul Mason!

Oh, the badge? Yeah.

He is my favourite economics correspondent.

Mine too! He totally owned the economic meltdown.

Would you like it? I've got loads.

I, er, over-estimated the general level of interest in Paul Mason.

I have a high level of interest in Paul Mason.

My APR is 263%.

Music: I'll Look Around by Billie Holiday

♪ I'll look around ♪
♪ Until I've found ♪
♪ Someone ♪
♪ Who laughs like you. ♪

That shift, eh? What a doozy!

Customers - grr!

Er, Della, do you fancy some overtime tonight?

There's a pretty juicy stocktake up for grabs.

Nah, not tonight, Charlie. I'm otherwise engaged.

You want to get on the blower to Janine, give her a bollocking.

Tell her to go up to a 38D.

She's kidding no-one in a 32. She's got a swimmer's back.

Can we go home now?

I'm ready to leave the heart of darkness.

I get it.

Employment is not what Working Girl promised.

My hair is relatively small and there's no Harrison Ford.

Then here is some protection against both teenage pregnancy and the Pound Lord.

I've bought you a week's wages' worth of contraception.

Now hear this, Germaine.

Any fluid emitted by a man can make you pregnant.

Any fluid.

You need to know where in the room the sperm is at all times.

You get me? Maintain visuals on the sperm.

It's like the Weeping Angels in Doctor Who.

You close your eyes for one second and then BAM!

[WHISPERS] They've got you.

Come on, let's get out of here, so in 14 hours I can come back.

It's like Groundhog Day in pink polyester work wear.

Germaine.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

Eat your cat food.

Oh, Johnny Lennon, look away now.

This isn't what you d*ed for.

[SLAMMING DOOR]

Sh...

She's not pregnant.

Oh, thank God.

Bad cat! Eat your food!

Remember the deal!

Sorry, kid. Never trust a hippy.

This cat just quit.

Oh, and, Del, your greenhouse took a bit of a battering this afternoon.

I'd take it up with young Wyatt over there.

Go on, then, start talking.

Hey, Aretha, I'm not pregnant!

Little Germaine won't be bunking in with us any time soon.

I thought Little Germaine was the name you'd given to your... area.

You know, the funny thing is, Callum's never actually met Little Germaine.

I hand-panted him, and there was some form of clear juice on my hand at the end, but I simply wiped it on a duvet cover.

Whose duvet cover?

Aren't you going to tell Mum you're one of the unsullied?

She's chain smoking furiously down there.

Nah, not today. I'll wait for her cool down.

She was talking about taking me to the PDSA and getting me spayed on the way home.

Besides, I've thought it through and I've decided I'm going to keep it.

You're not pregnant, Germaine.

Not my baby. My cherry.

I'm going to lock my flower away - roll a rock across Wookey Hole.

There's a lot of freaky stuff you can do without penetration and I intend to do it all.

Anything that prevents you from reproducing is fine by me.

So, Aretha, what's the latest on your sexuality?

I was wondering if you might be one of those asexuals - they're the latest thing.

I'd be a bit jealous if you were one of them.

You're right...

I am asexual.

I have no sexuality.

You've taken all the sexuality. There's none left for anyone else.

You have won.

Yes.

Yes. I have taken all of the sexuality... and I intend to keep it all.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mummy's date's here.

Hello.

Thanks for coming, Bab.

Now, I've been googling DIY vasectomies and the good news is you've got a 50/50 chance...

[WHISPERS] If you keep nice and still.

♪ We don't have to take our clothes off ♪
♪ To have a good time, oh, no ♪
♪ We could dance and party All night ♪
♪ All night We can dance all night ♪
♪ And drink some cherry wine, ah-ha ♪
♪ We don't have to take our clothes off... ♪