01x08 - How to Survive Your Crazy Ex

[bunniefuu]

All right, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn!

Cooper: Whoa!

You might want to j...

(engine revving, all screaming)

(screaming)

Let me start by saying, that at some point in your life, you're going to make this mistake.

(screaming continues)

Well, maybe not this exact mistake, but especially in relationships, everyone has decisions they wish they could take back.

Cooper, to celebrate our one month anniversary, I just sent you a little picture.

Did you get it?

(text alert blips)

Will you marry me?

(giggling): I'll take that as a yes.

Now you have to send me something.

Uh, Lena, I don't know if that's a good idea.

FYI... the next pic I want to send you incorporates my gymnastics background.

What's the worst that could happen?

I think we know the answer to that.

My name is Cooper Barrett. My friends and I are here to mess up our lives so you don't have to.

Incoming.

Oh...!

Oh! What is this yellow, Yes. sudsy beverage you've thrown me?

"B-eer"?

Am I saying that right?

(Barry laughs)

Neal, what's up, man?

You love it when Josh ironically pretends like he's never tried alcohol.

Sorry.

I just found a picture of Karina and her new boyfriend.

He's basically my twin.

Oh no....

Yeah, I thought that was you.

Cooper: Got nothing on you.

Hi.

I'm going to work out.

Who wants to come?

(all laugh)

Why does that question always get a laugh?

Because it helps us to not feel bad about ourselves.

(laughs) He's so fat.

(laughs)

She's obviously just trying to make me jealous, right?

I mean, with this guy... and this engagement ring thing... and she's clearly depressed; look how much weight she's gained.

I think she's pregnant.

Yeah, like eight months.

Come on, man, the only reason you're obsessing about your ex is 'cause you haven't hooked up with anyone in a while, which is what I am here for.

Cooper, you know if I swung that way you'd be my first choice, but it would just ruin our friendship.

I appreciate that, man.

I'm gonna help you find someone, starting tonight.

You guys could, uh, tag along to this art charity thing that Leslie's dragging me to.

Should be some really fine ladies.

No, I'm good, man, thank you.

(others mutter disapproval)

There'll be free booze and food.

Oh, hell yeah!

I'm ready to go, you ready?

Let's do it.

Not for, like, five hours.

Well, what the hell you saying something right now for?

Who's gonna finish with the highest score?

No matter what you're dealing with: your work issues, your husband, who you thought was in the Navy, but really has a second family in Pomona...

You leave it on the bike!

Three! Two! One!

Time!

(buzzer sounds)

(yells)

Long live the queen.

(crying)

Man: I really enjoyed watching you ride in there.

Okay, kind of creepy.

I mean, thank you so much.

I'm Shane, AKA Tunes.

Tunes? I feel like I've seen your name at the top of the male leaderboard.

Ah, it's possible, male and female, actually, but it's not about winning for me.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't worry.

I'm also super competitive.

I have nightmares about losing to my niece at checkers, so you're safe here.

Pfft! That is adorable.

You see, when I'm winning is the only time I'm not thinking about winning, and I'm never not not thinking about winning because I always win.

Okay, first of all, I love how many times you just said the word "winning."

Second of all, I feel the same way.

Life is a giant... competition.

Competition.

You want to get a pressed juice?

Uh, do you want to lose at pressed juice?

You're on.

No, you're on.

Oh, I'm gonna b*at you there.

I'll b*at you there.

I'll b*at you. Forgot your bag.

Damn it.

Oh!

Cooper: All right, Neal.

Get your game face on, okay?

There's a lot of hot women here tonight.

Come on, dude, you know I can't just go talk to them.

I am way too nervous and my body literally starts breaking down.

Just got to block that out, okay? Come on.

Hey, ladies. I'm Cooper.

This is my very good friend Neal.

Hey, how's it going?

Where are you ladies from?

Dallas.

Nice. Love Dallas.

Your nose is bleeding.

What's your poison?

What are you drinking there?

Can I buy you one sometime, ever?

I don't feel very good, all of a sudden...

Tilt your head back. Watch it.

(whispering): I don't know if I can do this. I'm sorry.

I got to be honest with you, I've never been to a art exhibit before, but this is nice. I don't even know how to act.

Look, just hold your glass like this.

Okay.

And say something like: What an impressive exhibition.

What an impressive exhibition.

(laughs) That's good.

You're officially a grown-up.

Thank you. Mmm...

Very good.

Oh, I don't think...

Oh, my God! Oh!

Chicken fingers.

No, those aren't chicken fingers.

(muffled): They should hand these out.

The guys and, uh, Leslie are really hitting it off.

Is that surprising?

Well, a little.

Why?

Well, she's a sophisticated intellectual and you guys are complete idiots.

Asked and answered.

Uh-huh.

Cooper: Oh, look, there's Kelly... and her boyfriend of no more than three hours.

Mm.

Oh, I'll b*at you there.

No, I'll b*at you.

What's up, guys?

Hi, guys.

Sorry we're late. This is Shane.

What's up, bro?

We just took a k*ller route here from Burbank.

Destroyed Waze's estimation by 11 minutes.

(laughing): Hell, yeah!

Okay.

What are you guys drinking?

Uh, white wine.

I'm gonna get us something better than that.

Yeah, you will.

Oh, twice.

Oh, my gosh, isn't he great?

We're both so competitive.

I really feel that, together, we can b*at everyone else at relationships.

And they lived happily ever after.

(Kelly chuckles)

(Neal grunting) Guys, I don't feel good, I'm gonna go home.

Aw, come on, man, you can turn this around.

No, I can't turn this around, all right?

You could 'cause you're Cooper Barrett and your platelets clot, all right?

You never make mistakes with the ladies.

Barry: Hey, Cooper!

Your penis is on display in the other room.

Neal: That's definitely Cooper's penis.

Whoo! Yeah, that's Cooper.

Guys, just 'cause you think it looks like mine, which is weird, by the way, it doesn't mean it is.

Oh, look, it's called, "Cooper."

Wait, really?

Why would my penis be on display in an art gallery?

Folks, if you have any questions about this piece in particular, the artist is right over there.

Barry: Coop, isn't that your ex-girlfriend?

Oh... that'd be why.

Cooper, that's... (snorts) very impressive.

Cooper: It's not funny.

There's a giant, framed photo of my junk on display.

I can't believe she would do this.

Are you kidding? The day after you broke up, she moved all her stuff into our apartment while you were at work.

And you guys helped her.

She might have been cray-cray, but that love seat was to die for.

Leslie?

Very good.

Josh...

Same size! What?

Can she legally do this?

Eh, I-I don't know, probs.

"Probs?"

You're an attorney and the best you can do is "probs?"

I do real estate law.

Is this Photoshopped?

Probs.

I'm gonna get her to take it down.

(laughing): Hey, Lena.

Cooper!

Hi, what are you doing here?

Oh, you know, just... looking at your piece.

Oh.

Or should I say my piece?

Isn't it fantastic?

Yeah, thanks, I've always kind of been a big fan.

Look, I'm just curious as to why you didn't ask me for permission.

Uh, it's a feminist perspective on the acceleration of modern relationships due to technological advancement.

It's not about you.

It's called, "Cooper."

Is that your girlfriend over there?

She's pretty.

Look, Lena, the point is I'm kind of uncomfortable about it.

I just... I just want you to take it down.

This is my art, Cooper.

If you want it off the wall... buy it.

(laughs)

I'm not gonna buy a photo of my own...

(whispering): penis.

Do I hear $200 for "Cooper?"

I've got two, do I hear three?

I've got three, do I hear four?

Do you really want a photo of my junk?

Your junk?

Five.

Auctioneer: Five from the gentleman with the excellent taste in eyewear.

Aw, that's it, I'm out.

Josh.

Yeah?

For your brother. Bid.

Six.

Do I hear seven?

Six...

Damn, you gonna let him do you like that?

We've got seven.

What is wrong with you?

Hey, remember me? I'm Neal.

From... Your friend was from Dallas and...

Do I hear a bid of $700?

God, I've never seen Cooper so defeated.

$1,500!

(crowd gasps)

Auctioneer: $1,500! Going once, going twice...

Sold!

Sold!

...to the very fit man.

Thank you. in the fitted gray sweater.

Neal: Nice!

Nice.

Hey, thank you so much for winning that photo.

I mean, winning is what I do.

Mm... mm, speaking of which, I need to hang up my trophy.

One second.

Wha... you're...

Hang up your what? What are you hanging up?

You saw it.

I totally dominated that auction.

Shane wins, because Shane always wins.

Where were we?

(Shane groans)

Uh...

Oh, this is so good... for me and you.

(kisses) But mostly me.

Hey!

Hey!

Hi. I broke up with Shane 'cause he's a crazy person.

Oh, no, 'cause I'm sorry, 'cause I mean if you two can't make it, who can?

That's so nice.

Did you at least get my photo back first?

No, he wants to keep it on his wall as a trophy, which is both weird, and a disastrous design choice.

It appears your junk's 15 minutes are up.

Yeah, but you know, she can make copies with the original.

So, Neal, I'm gonna need you to convince her to delete it.

Why me?

Well, because you're very, very, very smart, she always liked you, and, um, I just called her from your phone, so...

(Barry laughing)

Dude!

Come on, please, I-I can't have her selling more photos.

All right.

Barry: Hurry up, man, she about to answer, she about to answer!

Josh, dude, I been meaning to tell you, man, I had a blast hanging with the missus last night.

She is the b*mb.

I know. No offense, but Leslie always struck me as the kind of girl whose idea of fun was a throw pillow with the word "diva" on it, but she's actually awesome.

What a relief. I am so happy you guys like her.

Too bad you'll never see her again.

What?

Last night was a big mistake.

I couldn't, uh, you know, relax and be myself.

From now on, I'm gonna keep both worlds separate.

Hey, guys!

Barry: Hey.

Kelly: Hello.

I'm here.

Hi.

Yay!

Hey, babe.

Hi, babe.

Thanks for the invite, B.

Got you, L-Boogie.

He's so sweet.

(laughing): Yeah.

Can I sit right here?

Sure.

Ah, we're on a date.

(uncomfortable laughter)

Morning, man.

Hello.

Hey, did you get a chance to talk to Lena?

Uh, yes, actually, I did.

Uh, I met her out for a couple of drinks.

In fact, she deleted all of the pictures off her hard drive right in front of me.

I could kiss you, and that's a real offer this time.

That's okay, um, but it's funny that you mentioned that, because we actually talked for a little bit, Lena and I, and, for what it's worth, she's not as crazy as you think.

Yeah, okay.

Morning, baby.

Hey.

Hey, Cooper.

(moaning and kissing)

You have such strong, powerful lips.

(Lena giggling)

Unlike some people.

Your lips are like pillows made of skin.

(giggling) Mmm...

Neal: Skin-pillows.

Still here, guys, in what used to be my personal space.

Where do you keep the herbal teas?

Above the stove, next to the antipsychotics.

(whispering): Dude... you were totally right.

The minute I started making out with her, I completely forgot about my ex.

Oh, you mean Karina?

You know, right now, I feel like that giant bag of muscles was the best thing that ever happened to you.

Look, man, I know dating a buddy's ex without checking first is kind of against bro-tocol, so just let me know, and I'll call the whole thing off.

Uh...

Neal (whispering): Please don't call it off.

Please don't call it off. Please don't call it off.

No, you don't have to do that, man.

Oh, thank God, okay.

Hope this won't be weird for you.

(forced laughter): Weird? Why would it be weird?

Uh, Lena...

I think you're wearing my shirt.

Oh, yeah, it does smell like you.

(Lena moaning) Now me... and Neal.

And our lust.

Cool.

It's very, very cool.

It's a cool situation.

(whispering): Cooper, Cooper...

You're never gonna believe what just happened at spin class.

(kissing)

Why is your crazy ex-girlfriend giving Neal a tongue bath in the kitchen?

Because she's crazy.

She went out with Neal last night in some kind of weird, desperate attempt to get closer to me, and now she's in my kitchen with easy access to all the knives.

Okay, you think your ex is crazy?

I just ran into Shane.

That guy's crazy.

Yes, I'm gonna dominate today.

Spinqueen ain't here.

She ain't here.

And she isn't gonna be here for a long, long time.

What does that mean?

Sorry, that sounded way more ominous than I intended.

Don't worry, babe.

It's not what you think.

Hyah!

(groans)

(crying)

Why?

Oh, my gosh, what...? Are you okay?

Help me.

Are you okay? Oh, my God!

Help me, help me.

Someone help! Medic!

Wow, that is crazy.

I can't believe he Kerrigan-ed her.

Uh, technically, he Gilool-ied her.

I used to figure skate... competitively.

Yeah, the competitively kind of goes without saying.

Okay, and now he won't stop texting me.

Oh, terrible news.

Just awful...

What, is something wrong with Gracie?

Oh, God, what?

Much worse: Leslie wants to invite you guys over for a dinner party.

Dinner party? Ooh...

Dinner party? Ooh...

(panting): Hey.

Barry: Yeah, I know.

Got the text (sing-song): about 45 minutes ago.

You know, I'm just stoked... to live like an adult.

I think I'm gonna bring some fondue.

(ringtone plays)

Aah!

Hi, it's Kelly.

Leave a message.

(phone beeps)

(exhales)

Hey, there you are. So fun, so much fun.

So much fun.

Come on in.

I'm so glad you guys are here.

You're right on time.

Everybody's grabbing a drink, and watching your ex-girlfriend feed Neal grapes, like he's the Sultan of Brunei.

(Neal chews loudly)

Excuse me.

Hi.

Hey, hi.

We're gonna have so much fun.

Oh, my gosh...

You ready to turn it up?

I am.

Cooper: Hey.

Okay. Hey, bro.

What are you doing?

Just making Lena jealous.

By making me uncomfortable?

Look, if I tell Neal that she's using him, he may never talk to me again, but if he sees that she's using him, then he'll just end things with her, so you and I need to flirt outrageously until she flies into some kind of jealous rage, or hits you or something.

Okay, or you could just talk to her.

Yeah, the direct approach is always best.

By the way, I need you guys to act like your true moron selves so Leslie never wants to hang out with you guys again.

I will not act like a complete moron tonight.

No, no, no.

Grown-up Barry's in the house.

Hey, Leslie, let me tell you, these crab cakes are a vision, and also, the economy is doing strange things, let's discuss.

But first... these guys taught me a little game that we like to call, "Whiskey Slap."

"Whiskey Slap?" Wh-what's that?

"Whiskey Slap"

Yeah. is where you do a sh*t of whiskey, Okay.

And you get smacked in the face.

These guys play it all the time.

It is awful.

Josh...

I'm the Queen of "Whiskey Slap."

No, literally... my sorority crowned me after I slapped Maggie Christopher so hard the police brought in her boyfriend for questioning.

What a delightful anecdote.

I think I still have my rush week sh*t glasses.

Stay right there.

She's a good-time gal, ladies and gentleman.

Barry: Good-time gal.

Shane always wins.

(screams)

Shh!

You shh! You scared the crap out of me.

You have to start acting like you're more into me.

I'm not Meryl Streep.

Not with that attitude you're not.

Look, as we go back to the table, just put your hand in my back pocket.

Sure, just set your time machine to 1980.

Front pocket?

(whispering): Kelly.

Would you at least just move closer?

I mean, we look like two strangers waiting for a bus.

(whispering): Okay, okay.

(whispering): Thank you. Okay.

Just-just give me your hand. Give me your hand, okay.

How awful is this?

It's the worst.

(clearing throat): Lena.

She's still not looking.

I think we're gonna have to kiss.

Are you insane?

What?

That's not happening.

Just one nice smooch.

Mm...

Oh, my God...

I'm sorry, no, no.

Try...

No.

Direct approach it is.

I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

Hurt her and I'll k*ll you.

Boop.

That was a wrong move, my friend.

I'm-a take this sh*t, though.

Okay, you should.

Leslie, give it to him.

(Kelly guffawing)

I think we need to talk about Lena.

You feeling weird?

Yeah, but to be fair, there's a lot of weirdness going on here tonight, so...

Oh, yeah.

There's a strong chance that Lena's only dating you to get closer to me.

I mean, she's been obsessed with me since day one, and I just want...

Cooper...

Look, man, I-I know that this is hard for you to hear, but Lena and I have a real connection.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Josh: Such expensive whiskey...

(Kelly laughs)

How come she tried to kiss me in the hallway just now, then?

Are you serious?

Aha! No, but the fact you believed me means deep down you know I'm right.

Neal: Oh, my God, why would you even...

I think it's time to move on to a new game.

(Leslie shouts)

Leslie: Oh, no!

(Barry gasping)

Barry?

That about wraps up tonight's dinner.

What a perfect end to a perfect evening.

Driver, let's cap off this beautiful evening with a little NPR.

Can I get some Terry Gross?

Driver: Okay.

Let's just go home.

Did you guys see how Lena was behaving in there?

She's back in the running for craziest ex.

She won't text me back. She's obviously a sociopath.

Driver, back in my day, chauffeurs wore gloves.

Do you have on gloves?

We should go to Lena's apartment so I can confront her face to crazy face.

Driver, make a right at the light.

You just text your ex-girlfriend 15 times.

Now you want to show up at her place, unannounced, in the middle of the night.

(text chimes)

Ah, ah, ah, ah, heh, heh.

Listen to this: "Cooper, you're scaring me. Please stop. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but I really like Neal."

Damn.

What a whack job.

Cooper, when Neal was obsessing about his ex-girlfriend, you thought he was crazy, right?

A hundred percent.

Well, say Lena actually likes Neal.

Now you're the guy texting and harassing an ex who's in a happy relationship, thus, making you...

The crazy ex.

Barry: Mm-mm.

Oh, my God, I'm the crazy ex.

Yeah.

(all yelling)

I own your penis!

All: Go, go, go!

Barry: Lay on the gas!

(engine revving)

Not again!

Hey.

Nice bike.

Guys, guys, I don't believe it!

Sir, I'm not joking, step on it.

Man, that guy can really ride a bike.

It's the most attractive thing about him.

No, no, believe me, I totally get it.

I'm about to start a spin class.

Sir, could you please go faster?

He's gaining on us.

Barry: All right, turn, turn, turn, turn!

Whoa! You might want to j...

(all screaming)

I guess she was right.

Shane's way crazier.

(all screaming)

(Barry shrieks)

Oh, ho-ho!

Good show, Rashid.

We're gonna have to tip you 12%.

Whoo!

Man... you really whacked Barry good.

Nothing good ever comes when I play "Whiskey Slap."

Tables get broken.

Innocent boyfriends end up serving time.

Then why do you like it so much?

Because that's how this girl rolls.

No, it's not. I hate it.

I hate it so much. I hate it.

Honey, I wanted to fit in with your friends, but they are exhausting.

No, but I love having both of my worlds come together.

Look, I love your brother and his friends to death, but I just don't know how you can hang out with them all the time, what with the "Whiskey Slap" and the texting naked pictures, (laughing): Yeah. and dating the horrible nut jobs.

(laughing): I love it.

Why are they all doing that to themselves?

What do you mean why?

They want what we have.

Come here.

Mm...!

For the record...

Yeah?

I like your penis just the way it is.

Oh, you mean slightly above average?

And to the left.

(passionate moaning)

Man, that chauffeur was incredible.

Make sure you give him five stars.

I know stalking's a crime, but did you see the way Shane took that mound of dirt?

It was pretty hot.

Is everyone in your spin class nuts?

Cooper, we ride bikes that don't go anywhere.

I think you just answered your own question.

So, what have we learned?

Never underestimate the power of the "Whiskey Slap."

Today's mid-size sedan's are pretty aerodynamic, and never send a photo of your genitals to anyone.

Ever.

What's up?

Dude, I'm tired as hell.

Me and James Franco about to go take a milk bath.

(chuckles)

Hey, guys, I just want to apologize if I've been acting weird, I, uh, really hope you two are happy together.

Thanks.

Go hug it out.

So, how's it going?

Good, good, uh, although she's a lot tinier than Karina, so I don't think she'll be picking me up anytime soon.

Look, man, if, um, I ever try to give you girl advice again, just tell me to shut the hell up.

I mean, I obviously have no idea what I'm talking about.

Nice.

That...

What else? Cool. And then this.

Do that?

All right.

Hug? Yeah.

If she suggests role-play just-just say no.

That's still technically girl advice, but I may take you up on that.

So, yeah, one final thing: think twice before you label somebody a crazy ex, 'cause if you're not careful, that could easily be you.

One, two, three.

(Neal shouts)

I don't know what I'm doing!

Use your knees!

(Lena laughs, Neal yells, then groans)