05x10 - Homecoming and Going

[bunniefuu]

Wake up.

Wake up.

Hi, Emma.

Emma!

This isn't what it looks like.

You don't care. You're two.

Hey, Zoey. Zoey!

Uh, I guess I kind of dozed off.

Huh, me too. I should probably be going.

Yeah, I got to, uh...

Totally.

Yeah, maybe we can do this again...

That would be great!

Maybe without the kids next...

I'm in. See ya!

Yeah, okay.

I think this one is yours.

Right.

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

(ding)

Oh, Sam, hi!

Uh, you're back early.

I hope everything worked out with my uncle's cabin.

It was great.

Except for the fact that you forgot to tell your uncle we are coming.

Getting arrested was fun.

Oh. Hey, everyone.

So I guess I just tiptoed through the living room for nothing.

You spent the night with Ben?

No.

Yes.

Yes. We just slept together.

Regular sleep.

Not the kind I can see you both picturing.

Oh, uh, they're a couple. They kissed and... he's pretty good, right?

Oh, my God, please don't ever tell Danny that I said that.

Got it. I'm just gonna...

Yeah.

So...

I guess Ben got over his little crush on me pretty quickly, huh?

Little crush?

He texted me a picture of the campsite he built for me.

He was definitely crushing.

Gosh, I guess I never realized how sweet he could be.

Maybe I misjudged him.

No, no, no. I don't think so.

Did I mention how perfect Ben and Zoey are together?

Hey, roomie...

Riley: Hey... so, we just heard all about your "little sleepover" with Zoey last night.

Feel free to lose the air quotes and innuendo.

Nothing happened.

Having kids in bed with you is the best way to prevent more kids.

Hey... so, since my little getaway got washed out, I was thinking about going up to my folks' place in the Hamptons for a day or two... Do you wanna come along?

Really? Sweet, yeah, that would be so cool.

Great.

Okay.

You'll love it.

Oh, my God. What the hell is wrong with you?

You just spent the night with Zoey, and now you're running off for a weekend with Sam?

Calm down! Sam has made it abundantly clear that we're just friends.

Yeah, until she found out that you might actually have feelings for someone else.

Oh, my God, do you not speak a word of "girl"?

You're just jealous 'cause she didn't invite you.

Oh, please. Come on. Like I care about going to the stupid Hamptons.

Hey, Riley, do you and Danny want to come, too?

Yes, we would! That would be so amazing, I've never been to the Hamptons.

I'm just going to keep an eye on you.

Hey, Brad, honey, get ready to grab a screenshot.

You're gonna want this.

Bonnie, wait.

Wait? Do you have any idea how long it took to me to find the right angle?

Bonnie, you know how I... that it just wasn't...

I met someone.

I'm sorry? It sounded like you said you met someone.

I did. I just hope you understand that...

(beep)

(Gasps)

What?

Oh, I understand, all right.

I understand that that is the second most awful thing to happen to me over a webcam. Oh!

Hey, hey!

200 pounds of baby crap for your weekend with Emma.

(sobs)

I can totally come back later.

Brad left me for some Peruvian floozy!

(muffled whining)

There, there.

Hold me!

Oh, my God!

So many bad things happening. There's just nowhere to look.

Just give me one good reason why we should go to the Hamptons with Sam.

You've hated her since high school.

So? Why should hating people stop you from enjoying their beach houses?

Plus, we need to be there for Ben, all right?

He just started seeing Zoey, and I think Sam is trying to put the moves on him.

And you really think that we can keep him off of her?

I mean, when it comes to Ben, there's only two things you shouldn't try to get between... and Sam's got both of them.

Besides, I don't want you getting all weird and jealous.

Weird and jealous? Why would I be weird and jealous?

I mean, it's not like you've ever had feelings for her.

You never did have feelings for her, right?

Oh, my God, no! We've been over this.

No feelings for Sam, ever. Not then, not now, and if I did, I would've told you.

You know what? This conversation is exactly why we are not going.

We're going, aren't we?

Okay, if you insist!

Here we are...

Welcome to your Hamptons hideaway.

Sorry about your bag getting lost, Riley, but you can borrow my bikini.

(laughs) No, she can't.

So, uh, you guys can have the master bedroom, and Ben and I will share my old room upstairs.

We're gonna share? One room together? You and me?

Calm down. There are two beds. I think you'll be safe.

See? I told you she only wants you now that you don't want her.

And who says I don't want her?

I had one kiss with Zoey.

One kiss does not a relationship make.

But many kisses does make for a pretty great weekend.

(rapping) ♪ All by myself for 40 hours ♪
♪ I'm gonna eat their food and take long showers ♪
♪ It's been so long it should be a crime ♪
♪ In desperate need of some Tucker time ♪

Ayyy!

(vocalizing)

♪ Let's go, let's go What up, MC Underpants?

Hey, what are you doing here?

I'm bored and lonely and sad and frustrated.

I might need to talk over this whole Brad thing with someone.

I feel like... I want to fight for him.

Or k*ll him.

Or k*ll him while I'm fighting for him.

God, but... he won't even return my phone calls so I can tell him how much I hate him.

Or love him. (cries)

Woman, man up! Okay?

Now, you need to get out there, and you need to find somebody who will help you forget.

Or just get out.

You can't let Brad walk all over you.

You know what? You're right.

I'm not gonna sit here and feel sorry for myself.

I'm gonna go out and let complete strangers tell me how beautiful I am while I feel sorry for myself.

Thank you, Tucker.

(door closes)

♪ Come on, y'all, here we go again! ♪

Emma.

Hi.

Oh my God, old home movies.

We totally have to watch these.

"Sam's Sweet 16". Wasn't invited.

"Sam's Annual Barbecue". Wasn't invited.

"Cheerleaders-Only Slumber Party"?

I'd totally be up for watching that.

Homecoming. Oh! I actually went to that one.

All right.

(cheering)

I won, b*tches!

Ben: Oh, my...

Seriously, I just want to thank everyone who voted for me, I love you all.

Some of you more than others.

Hey, Sam! Congratulations.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

If I wasn't opposed to the whole objectification of women, I totally would've voted for you.

Hey, didn't you say that you were gonna bring Danny?

Hey, Sam! Wassup?

Yeah, this is a great party.

Hey, Danny!

Oh, it's so good to see you, like, out and about.

I normally don't come to these kind of things, but when Riley asked me to be her date...

Oh, look, they have cake. Come on.

Uh, excuse me, party crasher... what are you doing here?

Oh, hey, Sam, how's it going?

You really know how to fill out a uniform.

In case you were wondering, my braces come off in two weeks.

(click)

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Hey!

Okay, show's over.

That hair never needs to be seen again.

So the grill's lit.

Uh, Ben and Riley, if you could just, uh, set the table, and Danny, if you wanna grab the burgers...

You're welcome.

For what?

I think we both know how that video ends.

Jeremy, turn that thing off!

No, no, no, no. Off, off, off...

Riley: Danny?

(Click)

Hi. Are you coming?

Maybe we can go away together sometime.

Hey, how's the little guy doing?

Okay. Gotta go. Bye!

I was just checking in on Emma.

Wow, that wasn't totally obvious.

I'm so confused, man.

I feel like I might be starting something great with Zoey, but obviously I also have feelings for Sam, and for the first time ever, she's actually giving off signs that she might like me back.

Well, if you're asking for advice, little bro, you have come to the right place.

Wait, what'd you ask me again?

Oh, right, yeah, Zoey.

I think she can be really special.

I don't know. I think you're right, and then...

Ready to go to the beach?

That happens.

Yeah, let me just grab my suit.

Hey, Sam... this might be kind of awkward, but...

You never told Riley that we hooked up in high school, you're afraid she'll freak if she finds out, and you'd rather I kept it to myself?

Yeah, that pretty much covers it.

Our little secret.

And this is where the magic happens.

Oh! I didn't realize you were a magician.

Well, I have made two husbands disappear.

Oh, it looks like you're expecting company, so I'll just...

Girl has no business going fishing if she doesn't know how to bait a hook.

Do you fish as well?

Maybe I should've done one more lap around the bar.

Oh, let's drink, all right?

Okay.

Champagne, huh?

Oh, all right.

Yes.

Allow me.

Okay.

Whoo! (chuckles)

Oh, jeez!

Oh!

Oh, my...

Malcolm, are you okay?

No, I'm okay!

Aah!

Oh, God...

Well, this isn't how I thought we'd end up on the floor.

Perfect.

Mrs. Wheeler occupied, Emma asleep...

It is finally Tucker time. Yes!

Hola, muchacho. Que pasa?

That's Peruvian for, "Hey, dude. Que pasa?"

What the hell are you doing here?

That's Tucker for, "What the hell are you doing here?"

I came back to surprise Bonnie, but I was hoping that I could clean up first.

But I thought you met someone.

I did.

Someone with a private plane who was willing to fly me home.

I just couldn't stay away from my Bon-Bon one second longer.

(sighs)

Uh... Actually, you know what? I'm glad you're here.

Yeah, I just need to run out for a couple of seconds.

No reason, nothing to be suspicious about.

If you could just keep an eye on the baby, that'd be great. Thank you.

Wow, Tucker has a baby now, too.

How long have I been gone?

Mrs. Wheeler, you need to send that guy packing right now.

Wow...

I knew this day would come.

And yeah, I've thought about it, but... you're best friends with my sons.

No, no! Your date!

Wait, what are you doing out here?

Fighting my conscience. But that bitch is strong.

I can't stop thinking about Brad.

Brad's back.

What?

I thought he met someone.

Yeah, someone with a private plane.

To fly him home to you.

Oh...

Hey, loser, time to hit the road.

Good news! I took two aspirin and I feel a looot...

Oh, my God, what did you do to him?

I didn't do anything to him.

I just gave him some aspirin.

(gasps) Oh, crap.

These aren't aspirin, these are sleeping pills!

Brad is gonna be here any minute.

Okay, all right. You go stall Brad, and I will get rid of the body.

Okay!

(door closes)

God, it's like spring break all over again.

Night. Thanks for a great day.

Who would've thought, the two of us sharing a room together?

Not me, no. Never crossed my mind.

Good night, Ben.

Good night.

Do you mind? I get a little cold.

Maybe you wouldn't be so cold if you had some clothes on.

Do you want me to go?

I can't do this.

Really? Feels like you're pretty ready to me.

No, it's... it's not right.

Oh... are you a lights-on kind of guy?

Well, yes, but... No! That... that's not what I meant.

I feel like I'm cheating on Zoey.

I know that sounds stupid.

In some ways I barely know her, but in other ways, I feel like I've known her forever.

Well, Zoey's not here right now, and it's not like I had to twist your arm to come to the beach.

No, I know, I thought this is what I wanted.

I've literally laid in bed a thousand nights and thought about this very moment.

You know, minus this odd breakdown.

I guess I just keep running away from Zoey because... she seems so real.

And if I start something with her, it may not end.

Maybe I don't want it to end.

Maybe I want to be with her...

Oh, my God, why am I telling you this?

What is wrong with me?

The only thing that's wrong with you is that you're here and not there.

Thank you for understanding.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Just calm down. It's gonna be fine.

No, it's not gonna be fine.

Does this look fine to you?

I had jellyfish stuck to my left breast!

It... Who goes swimming in the middle of the night?

I'm sorry. I thought it would be romantic.

Hey, maybe we can get a jellyfish to bite the other one and even 'em out.

I will if you will.

Hey, I'm heading back to the city.

I think I can just catch the last train.

You were right. Zoey and I are meant to be together, and I have to go tell her.

There's something about you...

You look good.

I hate the Hamptons.

Brad, just calm down, man.

I'm sure I can find her if you just give me a minute.

I'm beginning to think that you have no idea where she is.

We have been to six bars, four night clubs, and a speakeasy.

Also, I'm beginning to think that maybe she's developing a drinking problem.

Wow. You really have been gone a long time.

Wait... her light's on.

She's home! Oh, I gotta get over there!

(door slams)

Tucker?

Donde esta?

Bonnie: A few more feet...

Okay.

And you're just another drunk sleeping one off in the hallway.

Oh, God, your coat.

O... okay... all right...

(grunts)

(Groans)

Okay? Huh? All right.

Mrs. Wheeler!

(Stammers)

Brad is coming, and he'll be in here any minute!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, what do I do?

I don't know!

Oh! Okay, here. Help! Cover him!

Cover him up, cover him up, cover him up, cover him up...

All right, come on, here we go.

Okay...

All right. Here we... here we go.

All right, cover him.

Oh, my God.

Tucker, help me.

You're insane.

No, I am not.

Move, move, move, move!

Hurry...

Bonnie!

(screams)

Oh!

Come here!

You're home! Oh, my God, this is... this is so exciting!

We should go out and celebrate!

What are you, crazy? No! I just got back.

I've been traveling for two days.

All I wanna do is sit on the couch and wrap myself in your arms.

Okay, well, why don't you just jump in the shower and we will just get right to that.

I've already showered.

Oh! Okay, well, you know, you can never be too clean.

You get started, and I will come in and join you. Okay?

Quarterback and towel girl?

You don't have to tell me twice!

Hut, hut! Oh, look at that ass!

Oh, go long! Go long!

Emma, let's get out of here before the touchdown.

You have to help me get him out of here.

Grab his feet. Hi, sweetie! I like your top!

Okay. Malcolm!

Malcolm!

Okay, I'll be right back.

Okay.

Ready now?

Here we go.

(Both grunt)

Whee! Look at me! I'm Superman!

Hey, Bon-Bon...

Why is there a semi-conscious man on your couch?

Would you believe I found him in the dryer with the rest of my laundry?

What was that, Emma?

Oh, you want some pancakes? Okay, but you buying.

Okay... here's the truth.

You said that you met someone.

I was devastated.

And, you know, I thought that going out would somehow make me feel better, that we would be even.

But it didn't, and I couldn't even go through with it.

Brad, sweetie, I am so sorry, but we're fine, I swear...

No, no, no, we are not fine, Bon-Bon.

I can't believe that all it took was one phone call for you to give up on us.

If you can jump from happily married to craven philanderer that quickly, then maybe we don't have the kind of bond that I thought we did.

Brad, I love you.

I'm sorry, Bonnie.

I should've never left Peru.

(sighs)

(Door closes)

(sighs)

(groans)

Oh, jeez.

I should probably go call my wife.

Okay.

Oh, hey, babe. What are you doing up?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

You lied to me.

Riley...

You... you could've just told me the truth.

It was high school.

I asked you if you had feelings for her, and you said, "No."

"Not ever."

Just let me explain, please.

No, no, no, Danny.

There's nothing to explain.

Here's your necklace.

We don't have a someday anymore.

Ben? Is something wrong? It's the middle of the night.

Absolutely nothing is wrong.

It's all perfect. I just couldn't see it.

And... and I want you to know I'm ready for this.

(gasps)

For us, for me, you, Emma and Hunter.

I want to be with you and no one else.

Ben...

Hey babe, everything okay?

This is Aaron... Hunter's dad.

Bonnie, I came back.

I'm sorry I overreacted.

I honestly cannot live without you.

Bonnie?

Anybody home?

Bonnie: Brad! I'm here!

I'll go to the ends of the Earth to be with you!

We are meant to be together!

Brad?

Anybody home?

Ooh. Interesting.

The floor outside is the same as the floor inside.

(buzzing)