01x06 - Eskimos

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Hap and Leonard". Aired: March 2016 to April 2018.*
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"Hap and Leonard" provides a country twist on the classic mystery thriller. Based on the novel series of the same name, the two now work for a former police officer turned private investigator.
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01x06 - Eskimos

Post by bunniefuu »

(RELAXED COUNTRY MUSIC)

♪ ♪


(GROANS)

I know, buddy.

I miss him too.

I think mine went straight through.

Mine didn't.

Another fine mess you got us into.

I told you she wasn't no good.

I'll make it up to you.

Please, next life?

When we get out of this.

We ain't getting out of here, Hap.

Not alive.

Where the hell is he?

I don't know.

Out there somewhere waiting to sh**t our asses off.

You got any g*ns here?

They're all in the back of the car at the hippie compound.

What, all of them?

What, now you like g*ns?

(g*nf*re, DOGS BARKING)

My dogs!

(g*nf*re)

Leonard, I taught your dogs to lay down!

It's a great trick.

All you got to do is sh**t them through the head.


(SOBBING)

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Leonard, I...

(WHIMPERS)

I didn't think this was gonna happen.

Hap and Leonard, come out and play!

(DRAMATIC PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

♪ ♪


Here, buddy, you hungry?

There you go.

(ENGINE RUNNING)

(DOG BARKING)


(POUNDING)

Can I help you?

Jeez, sorry, sir.

I was told no one lived here anymore.

You got about ten seconds to get off of this property or I'm gonna introduce you to a dog that eats ass faster than salted peanuts.

They're just signs.

Don't you think you're being a little over dramatic?

Ten, nine...

Okay, I'm leaving.

Ah, ah, ah.

Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two...

(ENGINE REVVING)

(WHIMPERS)

Looks like she did it to you again, huh, Happy?

She left you with nothing but the tail lights, baby!

She gon' come back, bring the cops with her.

I should get out if I were you.

No, no, no, no.

She's already down in El Paso, man, drinking tequila, rubbing herself on some cowboy's leg.

(g*nf*re)

We got g*ns in here!

Oh, I think the only thing you got, Lenny, is two b*ll*ts in your ass, plus the one in Hap's ass so far.

She is just a bunny rabbit, huh, you guys?

(GLASS SHATTERING)

You two know anything about Eskimos?

Huh?

I read a book about 'em once.

Did you know they share women?

Like, I'm hunting here.

You're hunting there.

I'm far from my home, but I am near yours.

And you are near mine.

You gonna k*ll us or bore us to death?

(g*nf*re)

So these seal clubbers, they share women in igloos and sh*t, and they just bang each other's wives silly, and they are cool with it, man.

But here's the funny part.

When the men get back, they just check the old lady's teeth.

And if she's been chewing on the other guy's moccasin
to soften the leather, all hell breaks loose, man.

There have been murders over that sh*t.

Which sounds strange to us, right?

Because all our grief, it's always over my p*ssy, your p*ssy.

It's my p*ssy. It's his p*ssy.

But if you think about it, you can wear teeth out.

You cannot wear out a p*ssy, guys.

Isn't that something?

Now, baby!

(INTENSE MUSIC)

♪ ♪


Come on, bitch!

(GRUNTS)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(BOTH YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

(CHOKING)

g*ns, huh?

Who needs g*ns?

(g*nf*re) Ow! God damn!

Come on!

(g*nf*re)

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Catch a n*gg*r by the toe.

(ENGINE RUNNING)

(g*nf*re)

(SCREAMS)

Trudy!

(PANTING)

I got him, didn't I?

You came back.

Hap...

Oh, Trudy.

I think I'm sh*t.

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

Phew, I got to admit I did not see that coming.

That's right.

You can do it.

Come on, Happy, just... ease back on the trigger, send me up to my baby.

Oh.

Should've known you wouldn't be able to do it.

Happy.

(CHUCKLES)

(g*nf*re)

(PANTING)

Come on, buddy.

You got him?

Come on.

That's it. That's it.

In you go.

Room for one more?

Good boy, Switch.

Hap?

Yeah?

We gonna make it?

I am.

(SCOTT MCKENZIE'S "SAN FRANCISCO" PLAYING)

♪ If you're going to San Francisco ♪


Oh, oh, Trudy...

Can you change that?

Oh, no.

I don't need it.

I'm starting to like it.

♪ If you're going ♪
♪ To San Francisco ♪
♪ You're gonna meet some gentle people there ♪
♪ ♪
♪ For those who come ♪
♪ To San Francisco ♪
♪ Be sure some flowers in your hair ♪
♪ ♪
♪ If you come to San Francisco ♪


Hap?

I have to tell you something.

And you're probably gonna hate me.

After you left, I did something.

Something real, real bad.

I k*lled Cheep.

I drowned him in the sink.

He reminded me of us.

Of you.

How I was a failure at things.

Told myself I had to move on.

Be my own person.

But when I did, you were still there.

You're always there.

I love you, Hap.

(SOMBER INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

♪ ♪

(FAINT BEEPING)[/i]

See you on the flip side, sugar.

(THUNDER BOOMING)

Hell of a night for this.

Don't worry, I'm just here to help.

Oh, thank you, sir.

What's going on here?

I don't rightly know. Might be the transmission.

Oh, yeah.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

♪ The moment we met ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You had me ♪
♪ In a world that's brand new ♪

(ENGINE RUNNING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)


Daddy?

Help...

Daddy?

(THUNDER BOOMS)

(COUGHS)

So you made it.

And you, you too.

How long we been out?

Me, three days.

You, longer.

Trudy?

Sorry, Hap.

I mean that.

(THUNDER BOOMS)

Did you find it?

No.

Not for lack of trying.

g*dd*mn health insurance.

It ain't even paying for half this sh*t.

Almost lost a kidney.

I heard.

Busted my ass in that damn w*r, and for what?

Almost told them to give me one of yours.

You no good for me, Hap Collins.

Maybe not.

Well...

It's, um...

It's good to see you.

Hap?

Yeah?

Remember when I told you you weren't my type?

Yeah?

Just wanted you to know I meant it.

Thanks.

Hap Collins?

Yes, sir.

Jack Divit, FBI.

Sheriff's Office got a statement from you.

Now that you're feeling better, we'd like to get one too.

So now you say your ex wife, Ms. Fawst, didn't say why they were searching for the sunken car, is that right?

Oh, she just said this, uh, this Howard guy had an interest in it.

Didn't say why.

They were offering up a chunk of change, so we didn't ask.

Must have been a nice chunk of change for you to partner up with your ex wife's other ex husband.

Ha, yeah, yeah, it was.

So after the car was recovered, did you find anything special in it?

Well, there were, uh...

Two metal boxes about so big.

They were real secretive about them, though.

Did they pay you what they owe you?

Uh, no. No, sir, they didn't.

No, after the g*ns came out, Leonard and me were held until Soldier and Angel arrived, and... and all hell broke loose.

Does this name... Softboy McCall ring a bell?

No, I ca... I can't say it does.

He was this Howard fella's cellmate in Leavenworth, tied to a bank robber a few decades ago.

Some money came up missing right around the same river.

Oh, well.

I noticed that you have a prison record of your own.

Are we... we gonna go to trial or anything for this?

I mean, you don't end up in a slaughterhouse like this and not have some talking to do.

You got a good case for self defense.

Soldier and his partner, this woman, we've had our eye on for quite some time.

That helps.

I think we're done for now.

If anything comes to mind about this money, give me a call?

Happy to.

Have a good evening.

Appreciate it.

Oh, God damn it.

Here, Switch.

Out.

You okay, boy?

(RELAXED GUITAR MUSIC)

♪ ♪
♪ Oh, sing your song ♪
♪ Of love so sweet ♪
♪ Tilt in by to the line ♪
♪ Whisper along with sandy feet ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Far away ♪
♪ The noisy street ♪
♪ Softened by ♪
♪ Water line ♪
♪ Oh, sing a song ♪
♪ Of love so sweet ♪
♪ Whisper along ♪
♪ With sandy feet ♪
♪ Oh, sing your song ♪
♪ Of love so sweet ♪
♪ ♪


Hey.

You don't look so good, Hap.

Yeah, well, I didn't look so good before, so...

Oh. How's he doing?

Hmm, it's slow, but he's healing.

Mind if I come in?

I don't think it's a good idea.

Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you shouldn't come and see him for a while for his sake.

I think it's best if he stays calm and relaxed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Would you tell him I dropped by?

If he asks.

Oh, uh, can you make sure he gets this?

Have a good night, Hap.

Yeah.

(MECHANICAL CLICKING)

It's taken care of, Mr. Otis.

Wasn't your boy's fault.


Dumb co*n pulled over out there in the dark in a storm, no flares, no lights.

Lucky thing your boy wasn't hurt worse.

Thanks, Tom. Appreciate it.

Yes, sir, Mr. Otis.

Your daddy's a good man, Beau.

Don't dwell on this. Accidents happen.

Put it behind you, huh?

All right, sir.

(THUNDER BOOMING)

(SLOW PIANO MUSIC)

♪ ♪
♪ Dance on the table ♪
♪ Hey, lately, I'm a mess ♪
♪ You called me the perfect fool ♪
♪ Now by damn, I'll be the best ♪
♪ Every scene is someone's dream ♪
♪ In someone else's way ♪
♪ But a different faith is coming ♪
♪ It could be my saving grace ♪
♪ ♪
♪ New chance ♪
♪ You get on so while you dance ♪
♪ Now that the tavern's gone this cold ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I'm often swayed ♪
♪ Mama, some things just won't change ♪
♪ I ain't got a move that you don't know ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I just meant to slightly fool you ♪


(SPUTTERS)

(COUGHS)

You look ridiculous.

And you've been feeding my damn dog too much, making him fat.

When'd they let you out?

Yesterday.

How's your, uh... your, uh, kidney?

It hurts.

Raoul was right. You look like sh*t.

Well, that's nice of him.

Where is the little ray of sunshine, with you?

We're taking a break right now.

Again?

You know me and him.

That little bugger always hanging around getting on my damn nerve.

Anyway, thanks for the records.

You working?

Roses, you know, a couple of days a week.

Them Mexicans?

Yeah, they got a better offer.

How long you been like this, Hap?

A while.

You okay?

Yeah, getting there, you know.

Well, anyway, I...

I stopped by to ask you for a favor.

Yeah?

Need you to accompany me to a funeral and help me pick out a suit.

♪ Sometime in the fire ♪
♪ Sometime ♪
♪ In the fire ♪
♪ Sweet Jesus, he carry me ♪
♪ Sometime ♪
♪ In the fire ♪
♪ Sometime in the water ♪
♪ Sometime in the water ♪
♪ Sweet Jesus, he carry me ♪
♪ Sometime ♪
♪ In the water ♪
♪ When I hear ♪
♪ That mournful sound ♪
♪ Sometime in the fire ♪


"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. Thou prepareth a table before me in the presence of mine enemies. Thou anointest my head with oil."

You got your tag on, Slick.

"Surely, goodness and mercy..."

Sorry.

"Shall follow me all the days of my life. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

All: Amen.

You're the only family I got now, Hap.

♪ Sometime in the water ♪
♪ Sometime in the water ♪
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