[machinery rattles]
Ohh. [grumbles]
Wait a minute! Wait!
Oh!
Aah.
[trash rattling]
You want to explain that to me?
It's a stupid sex quiz I took.
Have you been going through the garbage?
We sizzle?
Sizzling's, like, practically the highest one you can get.
It's not boiling. Boiling is the highest.
So we don't boil. Who gives a sh*t?
I give a sh*t. I don't want to sizzle.
I want to boil.
It's not all about sex, Andrew.
It's not all about sex?
You're actually gonna say that to me... it's not all about sex?
Okay, Andrew, please don't turn this into a thing.
Okay. You know me. I'm the nicest guy in the world.
I'm not gonna turn it into anything, 'cause I'm not afraid, and you know I don't judge you.
I will do whatever it takes to get you where you got to go, as long as it results in a boil.
We'll start tonight.
We'll start tonight?
You know what? I got a great idea.
Maybe we bring in some other girls.
What is wrong with you?
I-I just heard, like, you know, these things are popular now, that's all.
I'm leaving now, you crazy f*ck.
And for the record, I love that we sizzle.
Sizzling's good.
Boiling's better.
[Rock music plays]
Oh!
[Crowd chanting "Dice!"]
Top of the world, Ma.
This is just a very strange call to get.
Yeah, what's so strange about it?
Well, I haven't heard from you in 10 years, and you call me, and you don't ask how I'm doing or what's going on.
You just open with "How could I have f*cked you better?"
No, no, you're right. You're... You're right.
I mean, so, you know, like, how is everything?
I'm good. You know, I'm good.
I-I quit my job, which was a long time coming.
I just realized...
So, how could I have f*cked you better?
Well, if you really want to know,
I could have done without you pulling my hair and calling me a dirty little piglet all the time.
Hold on.
Good job, Cody!
Yes!
You know, sometimes I didn't want to f*ck Dice.
It would, you know, be nice to just f*ck you, whoever you are underneath Dice.
What are you trying to hide?
You know... nothing.
Goodbye.
[Knock on door]
Hi.
Hey.
Might I come in?
You might.
I would like to introduce you... to Yitzhak.
Who's Yitzhak?
Yitzhak is my Hebrew name.
Yitzhak will listen to the things that you care about.
Yitzhak is here to make you boil.
[Classical music plays]
I-I'm reading.
May I take the book?
Maybe that guy... couldn't make you boil.
But boiling... is my specialty.
[Birds chirp]
[Clears throat]
[Sighs]
[Scoffs]
Good morning.
Oh, good morning.
Oh, my God.
Fun night.
Yeah, that... that was fun.
Listen, I got stuff I got to do, so...
I'll call you later.
Or, uh, you can text me if you want.
Andrew, can we just admit that what happened last night was weird?
It wasn't weird, Carmen.
I like Yitzhak.
I-I just don't like him like him.
I got it.
I got to go take a shower.
I got a meeting, too. I'll... I'll call you.
♪ ♪
Hey.
Hey.
Dice, thank you. I'm... I'm Adrien. Nice to...
Think I don't know who you are, Brody?
Come on. I saw you in that movie where you played a piano.
I didn't play a piano.
I played a character who played the piano.
You know, I-I haven't seen it in a long time, so, you know, I'll take your word for it.
It's not important. Forget it.
Let me tell you why I'm here.
I'm doing a one-act, off-Broadway show, and the theme of the play is masculinity.
I feel you embody that.
Really?
That's a nice compliment.
So, what can I do for you?
I need you.
How do you need me?
See, I'm a method actor.
I don't act. I don't... I don't know how to.
[Chuckles]
You don't know how to act?
I don't know. I become... and then I am.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
It's Adrian Brody, asking to be let in, Dice.
Let in?
Will you let me in?
Like, how?
I don't know what I would do with you.
Like, for instance, anything.
Like... Like, how do you drink your coffee?
Can I see how you drink your coffee? May I?
Yeah.
Normal, like anybody, right?
You see?
No, wait a minute.
Put it down, put it down.
This is the thing.
Normally, you get coffee, it's really hot.
What I do, right before I sip it, I blow on it a little.
This way, it don't burn my mouth.
And I blow on it really quick.
If you blink your eye, you're gonna miss it.
So can you... can you show me again?
[Blows]
[Blows]
All kidding aside...
I saw me.
Really?
Yeah!
Let's do it one more time.
Let me go first.
Okay.
You see, there was another fish.
I don't even know where he went, this f*cking thing.
Like he escaped?
I don't know.
You know, I come out one day, there were two fish.
Then, the next day, there's like one fish.
Maybe he ate him.
Come on in. This is where Dice lives.
You see that poster?
Yeah.
That's a picture of me.
Dice sits in the sun, out on the patio there.
This... This is where Dice does the f*cking.
Yeah.
Yeah? Nice, right?
Oh, it's soft, huh?
[chuckling] Yeah.
This is where Dice does the dishes, Dice drinks the juice, Dice does the microwave popcorn.
Oh, you see this tea?
You can't even get this.
They got that at Ralph's.
You might have got something like this, but you can't get this.
It's Earl Grey. I know that brand.
Listen, if you want this exact tea, I'll hook you up.
Cool.
The way you wear your head when you're me...
Yeah?
You got to tilt it, like to the right.
Like, I-I lean to the right.
Look. You see? That's it.
Yeah, that right.
No, not that right. Just your head.
Well, it's helpful. I mean, all this is really helpful. I appreciate it.
You... You mind if I ask you some questions?
Is that okay?
I, um...
Yeah.
There's a pen here. See this pen?
It records sound.
[Beep]
It records sound?
Yeah.
Like double "Oh, Brody," right?
Yeah, yeah.
Go ahead. I'm an open book.
Go ahead. Ask me anything.
All right. Uh... what are you most afraid of?
Waking up surrounded by men's dirty feet and f*cking flip-flops.
Uh, when you dream, do you dream in color or black-and-white?
Black-and-white.
Oh, okay.
What sound do you love?
Oh-ho, you know.
Come on. You're a guy.
You know, the squish... when your cock head punches right through them lips.
[Squelches] Bing!
It makes a bing?
The balls hitting, like, uh, you know, the assh*le or something.
Something like that.
Ass-hole.
Ass-hole.
The ass-hole.
Ass-hole.
The ass-hole.
Ass-hole.
There she is.
Brody, I want you to meet the most important person and the most beautiful that Dice ever did the f*cking with.
You understand, right?
Yeah, yeah. No, I completely understand.
I mean, I... there was one once that, you know, we used to do the f*cking, you know, a long time ago.
She was really special.
Yeah, I-I hate to interrupt, but I'm schooling you right now.
Carmen, say... say hello to Brody.
Thanks for the great introduction.
Hi. I'm Dice's p*ssy.
Please!
She, uh, she picks it up like we're... we're hanging out.
Andrew, can I talk to you for a second?
You want to talk to me?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll... I'll be right there.
[Sighs]
You got me in trouble.
I did? What did I do? I'm just trying to be polite.
[Sighs]
First of all, can you not talk to me like that in front of your friends?
I think you got the wrong idea, 'cause you know I would never speak to you like that.
I'm sorry. We're doing something here.
I can't explain it right now.
Listen, about last night, I feel bad.
I feel like you introduced me to a part of yourself, and I rejected it.
It's okay. You know what I mean?
You didn't reject Dice.
You rejected...
Yitzhak.
But I can live with that.
I'm glad I met Yitzhak. He's sweet.
Maybe he and I could, like, go to a cooking class together or something.
It helped me get to know you better.
You know what?
It's sad to say, but nobody really gets to know me.
But this guy... this guy, Brody... he's got to try to get to be me, and he's only gonna scratch the surface.
I'm gonna prove you wrong, Dice.
Not now, Brody. Please?
Look, Carmen, don't try to get too deep inside me.
It's a very scary place to be.
Ass-hole.
[Crunches]
I agree.
♪ ♪
[Tires screech]
Brody: Tinkle, tinkle, little star, your golden showers get me turned on.
Don't... Don't try to run before you walk.
You really want to capture the essence of Dice, you have to go places.
You see this?
Asian silk.
You put a pair of these on, you're gonna feel like the Fuckinator.
Nice, right?
I feel it, yeah.
It's like Terminator with "f*ck" at the beginning.
You know what I mean?
You eat your pizza, like, flipped around, like this?
Yeah. Try it.
You don't even want the other sh*t now, right?
You get very upset very easily. Yeah, so do you.
f*cking hit me?!
Hey, don't do that.
What, are you f*cking...
You're f*cking...
[TV chatter]
[Crunching]
So, what is it, huh?
You can talk to me.
No.
Look, I-I know how cool I am.
I understand all that sh*t.
It's not easy.
I know. And that's where I'm getting at, you know?
Honestly, even when I was a kid, I used to...
I used to get up like three, four hours earlier, just to spend more time with myself.
You're too in your head.
You know what I mean?
You think about it too much. That's what you're doing.
Well, can I be honest?
I just feel like we haven't really gotten anywhere, you know?
Like, I understand a lot more about you.
Like, I know how you sip your coffee, and, uh, I know how you like your pizza and your Combos.
And, you know, you... you showing me your special underwear... that was pretty cool.
Nice, right? Nice.
Nice. Yeah, that was nice.
But, um, you know, I'm... I'm still not Dice, right?
I'm... [sighs]
I'm just Adrien Brody with a cool recording pen.
[Sighs]
Do me a favor.
Do me a little favor.
We're becoming friends, right?
You can feel that?
Yeah.
You see these gloves?
I've worn this particular pair of gloves in over a hundred concerts.
It... It would sort of be an honor for me if you would just try them on.
Can you do that?
No.
It's okay.
Yeah?
It's okay.
Yeah. Try them on.
[Sniffs]
A hundred concerts, huh?
Yeah. Never washed.
Don't believe in washing.
Yeah. They're lived in, yeah.
Held microphones, squeezed tits, fingered asses.
Yeah? [exhales sharply]
All right, yeah. All right, all right.
Get up. Come on.
Huh?
Get up. Come on.
Get up!
Okay, I'm up.
[sighs]
I need you to do me a favor.
Put it on.
Thanks.
[Sighs]
That's it.
No, no. You ain't Adrien no more.
Look at you. Look what's happening.
Look in the mirror.
What's happening?
Come here. Come over here. Look in the mirror.
Wake up! Look what you're wearing.
It's a little big.
It ain't big.
Collar's up.
It's... It's kind of big on me.
How do you drink your coffee?
Come on, man.
No, no. How do you drink your coffee, soldier?!
You blow on it.
How do you eat your pizza?!
You start with the crust.
What about your Combos?!
You don't eat the cheesy center.
And how do you eat your p*ssy?!
With a smile!
Oh!
Oh!
[Panting]
Get the f*ck over here, you crazy m*therf*cker.
Look at us, huh?
This is Dices.
f*cking Dices.
Both: Dices!
Dices! Dices!
Dice: You starting to simmer?
Carmen: Please be quiet.
I just got to know.
You hitting hot to trot yet?
Will you stop talking?
Shut up and f*ck me.
[screaming]
What, what?! What happened?
Oh, my God!
f*cking Adrien Brody is watching us!
What are you doing here?!
What? I'm sorry.
What, are you crazy?!
I was feeling it. I...
Feeling what?
I'm getting in to this.
I was just... I just want to see how Dice does the f*cking.
Get out!
Uh, babe, you know what?
In his defense, I mean, he is an Academy-Award-winning actor with "The Pianist."
Okay, Andrew, you win. I'm boiling.
I can't even get mad at something like that.
This is genius.
Okay, you know what?
Maybe he can watch you jerk off.
Oh, Dice would never do that.
[Sliding door closes]
See, Brody, now, that's where you're wrong.
[Chuckles]
Where... Where'd you get the clothes?
Raided your closet.
You don't mind, do you?
Yeah, I love it.
What are you crying about?
I'm crying about... you... you finished the... the f*cking cereal?
Dice does the eating, Dice.
Don't you share?
Don't you share?
Dice shares.
Dice don't share!
Dice does share.
What, did you use my hair products now?
Yeah.
I need that!
Yeah, you do.
Your head's all f*cked up now.
What's up? Playing... Playing cards or what?
How's it going, Shake? What's happening?
Oh, sh*t. I thought it was...
Why you looking at him?
I thought... I thought he was you.
[Both laugh]
Hey, thanks.
He's got you down.
[laughs] Nice.
You... You mistook him for me?
I was looking at you like, "Who are you?"
In the meantime, he don't share cereal.
He... He brings one cup of coffee.
This kid, he f*cking comes over, he starts crying in his f*cking empty bowl of milk.
I'm not crying about nothing.
Mnh, mnh, mnh.
And be nice to him.
That's my first best friend.
Well, let me... let Dice drink his juice, okay?
Oh, man. I'm gonna get some coffee.
This is some f*cking good juice.
You know what? I got to admit, you know, you're doing this pretty good here.
I mean, you're actually hitting, like, all the nuances.
Oh.
[Beeps]
The nuances.
Both: Nuances.
Nuances.
Let's go to a f*cking strip club, huh?
I'm gonna get my f*ck stick working.
Dice don't say "f*ck stick."
Oh, don't take this the wrong way, but you make being Dice kind of a drag.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Is that what you think?
Yeah.
Let me tell you something... and I don't want you to take this the wrong way... but you, uh, just might not be a good enough actor to capture my essence.
I bleed for my craft, m*therf*cker.
Okay, Brody.
Oh!
You're f*cking up my method.
Dice, this is an intense process, okay?
And don't call me "Brody," okay?
You're causing me to break character.
Yeah, am I?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
And you do that to a method actor, you could cause long-term psychological damage.
Brody!
What'd I just say?!
You said not to call you Brody.
Don't call me Brody!
You stupid f*ck!
You listen to me.
You listen to me.
I got to concentrate now, okay?
Let me get back into the zone, okay?
You're f*cking up my whole method here.
[Scoffs]
You take my f*cking hair product.
Now my head's all f*cked up.
Look at me.
Oh, my girlfriend's half my age, and I can't get her to boil.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What did I tell you?
What the f*ck did I tell you?
I live in a moderately priced house in Vegas.
What the f*ck did I...
Oh!
You f*cking prick.
I told you, don't talk about my sh*t.
Oh! My hands are cold, but my fingers stay hot.
- Okay?
Okay.
We're here.
All right.
Here's your strip club.
Oh!
[Tires screech]
Oh, oh, oh! Hey!
♪ ♪
Hey, man.
Hey.
Thank you.
Where's Brody?
Eh, we parted ways. You know what I mean?
It wasn't working out with us.
And besides, I think that play he's working on is gonna suck.
I thought he was doing good.
Yeah. He's doing all right.
Well, I guess it's just the two of us, then.
That's all right.
Or should I say the three of us?
You're not telling me you're pregnant, are you?
No! I'm talking about Yitzhak!
Yitzhak. You won't have to worry about seeing Yitzhak anymore.
Here, cheers.
Okay.
You're never gonna have to see Yitzhak again.
It's okay. He can come by. [laughs]
Maybe we could, like, get soup or play canasta.
This whole thing with Boiling is driving me crazy.
Oh, my God.
Andrew, I don't give a sh*t about some sex quiz.
But I do. Do you understand?
I mean, now we're sizzling, right?
Six months from now, what? Hot to trot.
Another year goes by... Getting Warmer.
Is that what you want our sex life to be... at Getting Warmer?
Come on.
Brody: Dice.
♪ ♪
Are you f*cking kidding me with this already with this f*cking guy?!
I never even told him about this place.
How'd you find me, Brody?
Craziest thing, Dice.
[Chuckles]
I walked around, right, and I started to feel, you know, "Where should I go?"
And then I looked up, and I saw this place, and this voice in here said, "Oh! Go there."
I created a... a monster.
The metamorphis is complete!
This is the moment when your d*ck turns into a p*ssy, when the worm has flown away.
I am Dice.
Are you guys allowed to smoke in here?
I got this.
Who is this guy?
I don't know.
So, I got my tongue up this chick's ass, right?
[Light laughter]
And she's looking down at me like, "Do I know you?"
[laughter]
'Cause you know how boring it can be when you're online at the bank.
[laughter]
So I stuck my tongue up her ass!
What's the big f*cking deal?
[laughter]
Huh? Forget about it.
How long you two been together?
Seven years.
Seven?
That's a lucky number... seven.
Whoo.
Tell me something, she throw a nice one?
What?!
Come on. You can tell me.
Huh?
Tell me, honey, you suck a good d*ck.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
What, the cat got your tongue?
f*ck you, Brody.
Come on. I want to get outta here.
Oh, oh, so sensitive. Sit down.
Take your bag. I want to...
We just got here.
Get your bag!
I don't give a...
Little boy blew [blue].
Let's go.
He needed the money.
[laughter]
Uh! Guhz!
Guhz!
What is wrong with you?
That was funny! I love your old material.
You love when I do it, not when this assh*le does them.
I mean, who cares...
Where are you guys going?
Oh, God.
Brody...
The 11:00 show's gonna be so different.
I'm gonna f*cking lose it. That's what's...
I'm gonna f*cking lose it. You two idiots work this out.
Oh!
Oh!
Stop that!
Stop that.
Stop it. You're a f*cking idiot.
You're an idiot. I'm f*cking Dice.
You cause a lot of...
I'm Dice... the original, undistilled... pure Dice.
Yeah?
You... you know what you are?
Yeah, what am I?
You're just a circumcised guy named An-drew.
Oh, really? Oh, really?
Yeah.
You know what Andrew's gonna do to you, you stupid...
Oh!
Ohh, f*ck!
Oh, yeah. You don't like that, huh?
I'm outta here.
No, my f*cking back.
- You don't f*cking get it.
I'm outta here!
Where's Andrew?
Brody, you stupid f*ck!
[Engine starts]
Andrew had a little meltdown.
Geez.
Wait. Hold on.
Brody, you better not...
[screams]
You f*cking prick!
Carmen: Where did you go?
Why did you let me drive home with that lunatic?
Don't worry. I'll take care of it. Where is he?
He's in our bed.
In our bed?
Yeah.
Where we do the f*cking?
Go take care of it.
- I don't think so, Brody!
Please.
You guys are f*cking assholes!
[Clicks]
[Stapler f*ring]
Oh! What the f*ck over there now?
Who the f*ck are you?!
I'm Dice!
Who the f*ck are you?!
[Stapler fires]
I'm Dice, m*therf*cker.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Let me tell you something.
You can act like me all you want, Brody, but you are never, ever gonna know where Dice keeps his essence!
Oh, let me guess... your balls!
Damn.
You're good, Brody.
Yeah!
Oh!
[Screams]
It's over!
My work here is finished.
It's finished now.
I'm done here.
You been good. You been good.
Listen, I'm gonna make sure my assistant gets you guys comp tickets for opening night, all right?
[Clears throat]
This never happened.
[Beeps]
♪ ♪
That was so crazy.
You got rid of Adrien Brody, huh?
Yeah, I got rid of him.
It's a Brooklyn thing.
Shut up.
I got to tell you something.
It really turned me on when you scared the sh*t out of Adrien Brody.
Really?
I want you to listen to me, Andrew, Yitzhak, other people.
What?
Whoever this guy is right here in front of me... this is the guy who's gonna make me boil.
You better f*cking believe that.
Get over here.
[laughs]
♪ ♪
Brody: I tell you what, Death, why do you say you and me play some blackjack first?
I lose, go ahead. Take me with you.
I win... get the f*ck outta here!
01x02 - Ego
"Dice" follows Andrew Dice Clay twenty-five years after his heyday as he tries to mount a comeback. Dice works to pay off gambling debts, help his sons, and keep his relationship in tact, all while remaining as controversial as ever.