02x07 - Ex Con

[bunniefuu]

The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.

(cell phone ringing)

Who was that?

Didn't recognize the number.

If it's an emergency, they'll, like, leave a frantic voice mail telling me who d*ed and what the next steps are.

Well, did they leave a voice mail?

Yeah, no. No voice mail.

How can you just sit there, like, not knowing who called?

Doesn't it drive you crazy? It drives me crazy.

You know what? We should call them back and we should find out who it is.

It'll be exciting.

I-I don't answer the calls that I don't recognize 'cause it could be anybody.

It could be Bank of America calling, asking for all that money I owe them.

Or, like, it may be, like, this scorned woman from my past that's calling, trying to seek revenge.

How many scorned women from your past want revenge?

And how much debt are you in?

Both are high numbers, Maxine.

(phone ringing)

Oh.

Hello.

What?

Are you kidding me? Yeah, no.

Come over now.

Yeah, 1311 Sycamore Ave, apartment 4-B.

Perfect.

All right. I'll see you soon. Peace.

Who was that?

That's my friend Shawn.

He just got out of prison. He's on his way over here now.

Wait. How-How long was he in prison for?

Oh, ten years.

Damn...

I am so excited to see Shawn.

Wait, ten years?

Yeah, and, uh...

Wait, as your boyfriend, Maxine... and I never thought I'd says this... but maybe you should change into something less attractive, you know?

I love Shawn, he's one of my best friends, but he's been in prison for, like, ten years, and right now, your legs look like the Golden Arches.

You know what I mean?

It's just...

Okay.

Should I be concerned?

No, don't be concerned at all.

Shawn is great and you're going to love him, really.

But... if at some point during the conversation, you want to slip in this lie about how you have herpes, it couldn't hurt.

Shawn's coming over.

Jerrod, we heard.

Your convict friend is free.

We came over to say the man is a monster, a menace to society and all those other movies that I can't think of the name now.

Boyz n the Hood.

Yeah, that one, too.

We hope you are not considering bringing this man back into our lives.

Yeah, what she said.

Hey, Maxine.

So, wait, let me get this straight.

You guys came all the way over here just to yell at me?

Well, your mama insisted on yelling at you to your face.

I wanted IHOP, but I thought, well, y'all probably got breakfast over here, too.

We could just k*ll two birds with one stone.

I'll have a waffle.

I'm not sexist, so I'm fine with either one of you preparing it for me.

Don't say those things about Shawn.

He's a nice guy, he just got into some trouble.

He stole out of the collection plate.

He was getting change.

He stole our car, son.

He borrowed your car without asking.

He brought it back.

Jerrod, he was always coming over to the house smelling like weed.

He gave me a contact high, I think.

It was relaxing... but I'm still mad at him about it.

You guys, I'm sure that he has gotten a chance to do some growing up.

I mean, it's been ten years.

Yeah, exactly.

Ten years in prison.

You don't spend ten years in the most violent place on earth and magically reappear less violent.

Shawn's not violent, he's a drug dealer.

He's basically Gandhi if Gandhi sold cocaine within a school zone.

And don't say things like that about Shawn.

You're going to get in Maxine's head and she's going to have these preconceived notions of who he is before he even gets here.

He's coming over here?

Well, if he's coming here, honey, I'm going to go hide all of your valuables.

This here painting, how much y'all pay for that?

The one with the umbrella.

Ma!

It's going in the closet.

Why are you guys going crazy over Shawn?

It's Shawn. You know Shawn.

You've known him since we were kids.

Yeah, and I knew since you were kids he was going to be a drug dealer.

You could see it in his eyes. He had them cocaine eyes.

We used to pray for Shawn to turn his life around and become a productive member of society.

But that didn't happen.

So now I'm focusing all my prayers on those people in Flint drinking that gasoline water.

Joe: You know, when Mexico's got cleaner water than you, you know it's time to move.

Okay, you guys, come on.

Jerrod seems to trust the guy.

We should give him a chance.

I mean, especially at a time where he needs support and to be surrounded by people who love him.

Well, that's not us.

Why is he out so soon?

I thought he got 13 years.

He got out early for good behavior.

Good behavior in prison?

That's like when you don't shank somebody in the shower.

Now, good behavior for normal people, that's like, say, you give a homeless man five dollars.

You ever done that?

I gave a homeless man five dollars once.

It was an accident, but it still felt good.

Cynthia: Maxine, why are you letting a convict into your house?

Especially wearing that outfit.

I'm not saying you asking for it, but you not not asking for it.

He's going to find out where you live.

Where you sleep.

Where you think you're safe.

But you not gon' be, 'cause he's watching.

Always watching.

Okay, relax, everybody.

It's Shawn we're talking about.

Not the woman that k*lled Selena, all right?

He's a good guy, and he's my friend.

And just because he went to prison doesn't change anything.

When he returns and gets here, he'll still be my friend.

(knocking)

My man!

Ah! What's happening?

Jerrod, what's up, baby?

Damn, you grew up on me.

You got a little taller, but you still ain't gained no weight.

Yeah, man. You look good, man.

Like, you got no visible gashes.

No neck tattoos.

You might be able to get a job at a bank.

Maxine: Well, hello.

Welcome. I'm Maxine. Nice to meet you.

Damn. She's fine.

Right?

Yeah. I mean, she's, like, a ten, brah.

Yeah.

And not just by prison standards.

Well, thank you.

Oh, stop it. She look all right.

How you doing, Mrs. Carmichael?

Shawn, you're not gonna charm me.

I already know I'm fine.

Mr. Carmichael.

Yep.

Shawn, talk to me, man... where are you staying?

Well, right now they got me at this halfway house.

You know, everybody in there look like a Batman villain, but, you know, I'm gonna make it work until I could find something better.

Don't... You can't stay at a halfway house.

You know what? Just stay here with us for a couple of days.

Now, look at that. There it is.

He hasn't been here five minutes, and he already wormed his way into a place to stay.

Jerrod, don't let him charm you.

Look, Cynthia, he just got out of prison... don't you think he deserves a couple of nights in a nice place?

I mean, have you ever been in a halfway house?

Do I look like I ever been in a halfway house?!

Well, they're overcrowded, there's no privacy, no sense of safety or well-being.

It's no better than jail.

Look, I promise y'all I'm not looking for nothin'.

I just wanted to reconnect with my man Jerrod, meet Maxine, and just pick up where I left off.

You know, I'm glad you guys are here, 'cause I just want to say thank you.

All you ever did was try to show me what a God-fearing, stable house looks like, when nobody else took the time out for me.

That's nice, man. And you don't have to explain yourself to them.

I'm happy you're here, and you can stay here as long as you need to.

You sure? I mean, you ain't got to do this.

And you shouldn't.

Hey, man, I'm really happy you're here.

In fact, hey, Maxine, is it cool if I hang out with Shawn for a bit? You want to get some breakfast?

Yeah, man. I been dreaming about IHOP for ten years.

Hmm.

Well, we came to yell at Jerrod; he didn't listen.

Mm-hmm.

I wanted breakfast; they ended up getting IHOP.

Cynthia, I don't think we k*lled any birds on this visit.

Well...

Maxine, you can't say we didn't warn you.

That Shawn is bad news.

Mm-hmm. Jerrod has always been too blind to see Shawn's faults.

Look, Jerrod is an adult now.

I trust him to make good decisions.

Look, I promised myself a waffle on the way over here.

Now, if you get the waffle iron, the batter, make the waffle, I can do the rest.

(both laughing)

Oh...

(slurring): You... Okay, okay, all right.

All right, you good?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Here's what we're gonna do... we're gonna go in here, we're not gonna look like we been drinking, at all, we're not gonna act like we've been drinking...

Your girl don't let you drink?

She does, but... we left at breakfast time, and it's almost breakfast time again, and so she might be a little concerned.

Jerrod, I'm a little concerned.

(sputters)

Hey, boo.

I'm so sorry we came in so late.

But... I stopped by the taco truck and got you a burrito!

Who's the best boyfriend ever!

What...

Is that blood on this bag?

Yes. But it's not mine.

Jerrod, what happened tonight?

(exhales) Nothing much. I mean, Shawn got in a little scuffle.

Maxine: A scuffle? Like, a fight?

No, no, not, like, a fight. Like, a little dust-up.

That also means fight.

No, like, a... like, a scrum, if you will.

Okay, well, Shawn can get arrested for a scuffle, and then he'll go right back to prison.

Shawn: Maxine, don't be mad at Jerrod.

Yeah, don't be mad at Jerrod.

It was my fault.

Maxine: Yeah.

I know. You got in a fight your first night out of prison.

I'm pretty sure it's your fault.

Well, don't be mad at Shawn.

I mean, he was a hero tonight. You should've seen what...

So, this is what happened.

So, we were just at the bar, we're having fun, we're having a great time, and then this man who was incredibly rude just came out and he stepped on my Jordans.

These!

Like, my first thought when he did it was like, "Man. I really want to punch this man in the face."

But I didn't do it.

He didn't.

I did not do it, right?

Nope.

I didn't do it. Well, let me tell you what happened next.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know what happened.

You don't know what happened, Max. You weren't there.

You weren't there, Max.

Are you ready? Are you excited?

I know what... Okay.

Don't get ahead of the story. You're gonna spoil it.

Shawn punched the man in the face.

Didn't you do it?

Didn't you do it though?

I did it.

He did it. He really did it.

Shawn: Can I go wash the blood off my hands?

Yeah, you go do that right now.

Thank you.

That's actually a good idea.

You got to wash the evidence off.

Jerrod, Shawn is supposed to be making a new life for himself.

And staying out and getting drunk isn't helping.

Well, I mean, Shawn just got out of prison, like, a day ago, Maxine.

Okay, look, I don't know Shawn like you do, but what he does in these first two weeks is critical to his success.

What he does is critical to his success.

Okay, I got it.

(sighs)

Hey, Maxine.

Maxine.

Hmm?

Ma-Maxine.

What?

(burps)

Okay, I'm gonna go to bed.

Good morning.

You guys partied pretty hard last night.

Jerrod's still passed out.

I don't think I've ever seen him that drunk before.

Hey, Maxine.

You think you could give me a ride?

Uh, yeah, I'm sure once Jerrod gets up.

Come on, Maxine, you can't give me a ride?

It's work-related.

It's this girl. She said she might have some business for me.

Um...

Come on, Maxine.

What about all that stuff you was sayin' about me needing to get out there and get started on the right foot?

Hmm? You ain't gonna help me get some work?

Okay. Yeah, fine.

I think I'm having a herpes flare-up, so... I'm just gonna, um, go get my herpes medicine and then, uh, we can... we can go.

I-I have herpes.

So no one was gonna tell Nekeisha that Shawn was out of jail?

I mean, I would've tried to sleep with him already, but...

(chuckles) Okay, Nekeisha, look, you're not gonna come over to my parents' house, using their washing machine, talking about sleeping with somebody I grew up with.

Okay, you're only gonna take advantage of me one way at a time.

Bobby, there's something that you got to realize, okay?

During the course of this divorce, eventually, we're gonna sleep with each other's friends.

I mean, Charlotte is a growing city, but it's still a small town.

That's not fair at all.

Because all your friends are dudes you used to sleep with.

How is that fair to me? I don't want to sleep with other dudes.

So it's my fault that I know how to maintain relationships?

I'm not playing the blame game with you, Bobby.

I'm not the one, okay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Have either of you seen Maxine?

No, I haven't seen her. But if I do, I'll let you know.

She will. She'll definitely let you know.

That's what she's good at.

Mm-hmm.

'Cause I'm a very informational type of bitch.

Ma, Dad, have y'all seen or talked to Maxine?

She left this note saying she was taking Shawn somewhere, but neither of 'em are answering their phones.

Uh-oh. Here we go.

Wait a minute, you think Maxine is cheating on you?

Ooh. Or worse, she dead in a ditch somewhere.

I'm pretty sure those aren't my only two options, Bobby.

You're right. It's just the first 48 hours.

'Cause after that, the trail gets cold.

No, no.

I'm certain I'm just overreacting, right?

Sure. Don't worry.

I mean, you did say, "So what if he dealt dr*gs?

So what if he wound up locked up for ten years?"

Cynthia, you remember all those nights he was hanging out with Shawn and we told ourselves, "Don't worry"?

Oh, yeah. But it didn't matter though.

We still worried.

Mm-hmm.

So why don't you do what we did when we worried about you?

You can sit on the couch all night watchin' infomercials.

Do you know how many Miracle Mops I bought because of you?

A lot of 'em.

And the miracle was they was just mops.

Got so bad for me, the only thing to keep me awake, I had to watch the Weather Channel.

Thanks to Jerrod and his knucklehead friend Shawn, now I know the average annual rainfall of every part of this country from 2002 to 2006.

Syracuse, New York.

38 inches.

Wow, Daddy, you the Rain Man of rain.

Hold on. Why y'all trippin' off of Shawn?

Just because he's a drug dealer doesn't mean he's a bad guy.

Some would call him an entrepreneur.

Okay, relax. Let's not talk about the man like he's an American hero. I mean, he is a drug dealer who punched a man in the face last night for stepping on my J's. I thought it was cool at the time, but sober me is realizing that's insane behavior.

Well, Jerrod, you the one that brought him into your house and said that everything was gonna be fine.

It's fine for me. I know when not to get in the car with Shawn. But Maxine's not used to these shady situations.

She's not used to dealing with shady people.

She's only used to dealing with amazing people like me.

Jerrod, I'm sure Maxine'll be just fine. She's not helpless.

She kind of is though, Nekeisha. Like, she's not used to handling things like this.

She's not street-smart like you are.

Is that your way of calling me book-dumb?

Because that is offensive.

I should've never brought Shawn into my home.

Or you can look at it another way: you should've never invited Maxine into your house.

(Maxine and Shawn chuckle)

(scoffs)

There you guys are. Where have you been?

What? Shawn asked me to take him to see an old friend about a job. What are you so worked up about?

I've called you, like, a million times.

You didn't call me.

Yeah.

Oh, wait. Oh, my phone is on silent. Sorry.

Oh, 16 missed calls. Geez, what's wrong?

Maxine, do you mind if I talk to Shawn alone for a minute?

Yeah. All right.

Shawn, where'd you have Maxine take you just now?

Why you trippin', man? I just had to drop something off real quick. No big deal.

What'd you have to drop what off?

Some cocaine.

Really?

Yeah, the girl I was going to see, she wanted to buy some cocaine. I was gonna get laid, too, but I didn't want to be rude and keep Maxine waitin' in the car.

You know, that's your girl and all.

Why would you involve Maxine in a drug deal?

Why would you bring dr*gs into my apartment in the first place?

I've been trying to look out for you.

Yeah, I know. And I was trying to look out for myself, man.

Listen, I got to make money, bro. I'm a felon.

What you want me to do, work at McDonald's so I can save up enough money to buy a little crappy car, just so I can drive back and forth to McDonald's every day?

I-I thought you understood my dilemma, bro.

What are you gonna do when you get caught again?

I spent a whole lot of time thinkin' about that, right?

Now, prison taught me that I don't ever want to go back there.

Period.

But I made myself a promise.

I said, "When I get back out here selling dr*gs, I'm-a make sure I try real, real hard not to get caught."

(scoffing)

Ten years in prison and-and that's the lesson you learned.

Listen, man, why you coming at me like this, Jerrod?

Come on, man. I'm the same person I was ten years ago.

I know. I know you are. But I'm not, man.

A lot's changed. I got something to lose now.

And if you're gonna do that, you can't be around me, you can't be around my girl, and you can't be around my family.

Look, I-I really hate to throw you out, Shawn, but if you're gonna do that, I'm sorry, but... you got to go, man.

Hey, um, I think you should know, man, your girl got herpes.

Thank you.

Did Shawn just leave?

Yeah. And he's not coming back either.

Why? What happened?

Well, Maxine, how do I say this?

You were just the wheelman in a cocaine deal.

What?

At that girl's house?

Mm-hmm.

He was selling her dr*gs?

Man, I figured he was lying to me, but I thought they were just having sex.

I mean, he was only in there for a few minutes, but, you know, the guy's been in jail for ten years, so...

Well, look, I'm really sorry you had to get involved in all that.

It's so hard for me, you know? Like, Shawn was such an important part of my life. And it's hard to imagine my life without him in it.

Yeah, I know.

But, hey, I still believe that anyone can change.

Yeah, I hope so, too. But mostly for your sake.

Shawn just used you as a drug mule, so you're a drug dealer now, Maxine.

Hey, does this give me street cred?

People with street cred don't use the term "street cred," Maxine.

(chuckles)

They don't have to ask either.

(laughs)

Okay. "Dear Shawn, how are you?"

Mm-hmm.

Don't ask him how he's doing.

He's doing bad, Maxine. He's back in prison.

Ooh, tell Shawn that I said hey.

But put, like, a lot of Es in it, so it'd be like, "Hey..."

Shawn is so cute. He's almost as cute as that dude with the mug sh*t picture that got the light eyes and the teardrop tattoo.

Jeremy Meeks.

Yeah!

(chuckles) Uh... Somethin' like that.

How much time is he gonna get this time?

It wasn't an insignificant amount of dr*gs.

It's kind of like if Rite Aid and CVS had a baby and that baby was on cr*ck.

You remember when I coached your boys' basketball team?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I may have told him "Go big or go home" too many times.

You never know who's gonna take to what.

You never told me that.

Well, I didn't want to encourage you to do something you couldn't do, son.

Daddy, you always got my back.

Jerrod: Maxine, tell Shawn to keep his head up and also tell him you don't have herpes.

I don't want that floatin' around the prison system.