01x18 - Asgard w*r Part One: Lightnin' Strikes

[bunniefuu]

Peter: You're an funny dude, Dad.

I just about d*ed laughing when I heard you want me to help you steal the Cosmic Seed for the second time.

I will not have this outrageous slander in these chambers, Peter.

Guards!

(THOR GRUNTING)

This is an unmitigated act of w*r with Asgard!

There will only be peace when we have wiped Spartax from the face of the galaxy!

Heimdall: So, J'Son of Spartax plundered the Cosmic Seed from Asgard?

Fandral: Yet somehow he hid the deed from your all-seeing eyes, Heimdall.

The thief's cunning is of little concern, Fandral.

What matters is our retaliation.

Agreed, Hogun. It shall be swift and merciless.

Perfect.

Did you say something, Loki?

Oh, just that it's, um, perfectly appalling how the Spartax king has insulted our very honor.

And for that, the wrath of Asgard shall descend upon his world.

Heimdall and Fandral: For Asgard!

Aye, brother Thor, then let only the mightiest of Asgard's warriors carry out this mission of justice.

Our bold-hearted sister Angela, grim Hogun, dashing Fandral, and of course, Heimdall, the very eyes and ears of Asgard.

Bringing our trusted sentry into battle makes strategic sense.

But who will protect the realm?

Fear not, brother.

I will hold down Asgard in your absence.

Then it is decided.

Today, Spartax falls.

As will you, dear brother. If all goes according to plan.

Rocket: Congrats, dummy.

You just started the biggest w*r in galactic history.

And I'm gonna stop it.

(GROANING)

Yeah, good luck with that, Quill.

(GROANING)

Come on. Ten more minutes, Ma.

(SNICKERING)

Now stick it up his nose.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I am Groot.

Cease this foolishness, Rocket.

A punch to the stomach is a much more effective means of awakening Quill.

J'Son: Attention, brave warriors

and citizens of Spartax.

(GASPS) Wha... What?

Or a speech from his dad, which is worse than a punch to the stomach.

J'Son: Decades ago, Asgard accused your king of stealing their Cosmic Seed, bringing our realms to the brink of w*r.

I refuted that charge and have been striving for peace ever since.

(CROWD MURMURING)

But the Asgardians clearly want w*r and will cling to any excuse, no matter how feeble, to wage it.

So, let them come!

And we will fight until every last Asgardian has fallen!

Every time he opens his mouth, nothing but lies pour out.

What kind of bottom-feeding scum-sucker does that?

(SIGHS)

Looked in the mirror lately?

Woman: Guard, open the cell.

Ah, Victoria. Sis! You got my message. We so need...

(GRUNTS)

How could you accuse our father of being a thief in front of the Galactic Council?

What did you think would happen? (GROANING)

What he always thinks'll happen, everybody cheerin' his name.

Girls swooning at his feet.

And a big dance number at the end.

And yet that has never happened.

(STRAINED VOICE) Just hear me out.

(CHOKING AND COUGHING)

I've got proof that Thor's brother stole the Cosmic Seed.

But I thought J'Son was to blame.

Okay, technically he did steal it first, but then Loki snatched it from him, which makes my dad totally innocent.

Or at least not as guilty. Sort of.

Now I understand.

Actually, I do not. But that story annoys me and I have no desire to hear it again.

(GROANS)

This "proof," show it to me.

Okay, I don't have it right this second, but I found a recording on Dad's ship.

The one we let fly off to who-knows-where with your ex-girlfriends?

As it happens, I made a recording of the recording on my helmet.

But it was confiscated before I could play it for the council.

If Father knows the truth and has the evidence, then why not use it to prevent w*r?

I am Groot.

He's right. Sounds like your pops wants to duke it out with Asgard.

(THUNDER CRACKING)

Victoria, please. Let us out.

If I'm wrong, then we're the least of your problems.

But if I'm right, you'll be saving innocent lives.

I don't have time for nonsense, Peter.

(GRUNTING)

Asgard is attacking and I need to defend my home.

My people!

Okay, good talk. Let's do it again soon.

Oh, wait, we can't 'cause we're doomed.

Not as long as my baby sis believes in me.

A little something she tucked in my pocket on her way out.

(MECHANICAL BEEPING)

Huh?

(GROANS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Who wants presents? I'm buyin'!

This is not a shopping spree.

We grab our gear, get to the Milano, and bring the evidence to Victoria.

(GROANS)

Do you ever get tired of suckin' the joy out of life?

Victoria: The enemy approaches. Hold fire until my command.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Victoria: Is... Is this some bizarre Asgardian joke?

A single open ship and a handful of warriors to take on an entire Spartax armada?

Destroyer Armor.

att*ck!

All Spartax forces, regroup and return fire!

For Asgard!

(ALL YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

Ha-ha!

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS AND GASPS)

(YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

Let's hope the Milano's still in the hangar where we left it.

J'Son: Going somewhere, son?

You can't stop us, old man.

(g*n CHARGING)

You disappoint me.

Let me show you the true power of Spartax.

(GRUNTS)

(ALL GROANING)

Nice one, Dad.

How come you never taught me that trick?

There's a lot I never taught you.

(GROANING)

You guys take the mechs while I deal with dear old Dad.

(CHUCKLES)

I was afraid you'd never ask.

Whoa!

Much as I'm lovin' this father-son time, how 'bout we do something else?

Like stop the Asgardians from attacking your people?

I didn't start this w*r, that was your doing.

But I will finish it.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(SIGHS)

Well, that was fun.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

Get to the Milano. I got this.

J'Son: You really do have much to learn about mastering the elements.

Yeah? Well, Mom always said I was a quick study.

But hey, I wouldn't expect you to know that.

(GRUNTS AND GROANS)

Not after bailing on your wife and kid, never once looking back!

Flying across the galaxy to fight a w*r you started in the first place!

(GROANING AND GASPING)

(GROANING)

You talk too much, son.

Just like your mother.

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS AND GROANS)

Beats me what she ever saw in you.

Loki: Is anything sweeter than finally claiming what is rightfully yours?

With all due respect, Lo...

(CLEARS THROAT)

My king, may I ask what happens when Thor returns?

Sadly, my brother won't be coming back.

Ever.

But fear not, for a glorious new era is upon us.

(GRUNTS)

The son of Odin shall revel in glorious victory this day.

As shall his daughter!

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

(CONTINUES GRUNTING)

As shall his loyal warriors!

(GASPS)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(YELLS)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

I expected more from the Commander of the Spartax Royal Guard.

Then more you shall receive.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING)

Be sure to inform me when you are ready to begin.

(GRUNTS)

You there, halt!

Listen to me. You can either fight us, or fight to defend your home world.

In my opinion, the latter is more honorable.

I am Groot.

(SCREAMING)

(CHUCKLES)

Ah, showoff.

(GROANING)

(BOTH GRUNTING AND GROANING)

(COUGHING)

Enough of this, old man.

Your kingdom's suffering for no good reason.

'Cause I've got proof that Loki took the Cosmic Seed.

J'Son: Are you certain of that?

(BEEPING)

You deleted it?

How could I delete something that never existed in the first place?

(GROANING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

(PANTS)

After all these years of trying to keep the peace, you actually want this w*r? Why?

Because this time I know I can win.

What do you mean "this time"?

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

This is what we do, Peter.

We're thieves, you and I.

We take things, by any means necessary.

The Cosmic Seed, Asgard...

How about my life?

You took that when you hired a space pirate to kidnap me.

To raise you and shape you into a worthy heir.

Forget it. I am not gonna be part of your lies!

(SCREAMING)

Peter!

You called, Dad?

Just out of curiosity, Quill, when you let go of that ledge, what was your plan?

After falling? Didn't really have one.

Good thing we were trackin' the signal from your helmet. Otherwise...

I am Groot.

Yeah, thanks. I owe you one.

You sound displeased.

Are you not grateful to be alive?

Totally.

It's just that without the recording of Loki, we don't have a way to stop this w*r.

Rocket: So, why don't we just cut our losses and leave?

Let Spartax and Asgard slug it out.

Because I'm not like my dad.

I don't run out on family.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

This game has grown tiresome.

(GRUNTS)

Asgardian coward!

A true warrior never runs from battle!

Bam! Big bro to the rescue.

Gamora: Great. Now who's gonna rescue us?

The Destroyer Armor? That's awesome!

(ALL GROANING)

I am the one true destroyer!

And I do not believe that word "awesome" means what you think it does.

Well, think again, D-man.

The armor records everything it sees, remember?

And we know we can use my helmet to access its memory.

I am Groot!

So you think the Destroyer recorded Loki stealing the Cosmic Seed back from your pops.

All we gotta do is retrieve the recording. Easy.

Groot, let's take a little ride.

Peter: Good luck, guys.

Oh, and try to bring my helmet back in one piece, Rocket.

Whoo-hoo!

(GRUNTING)

Establishing uplink... Now.

(ROCKET GAGGING)

Your helmet smells like human morning breath, Quill.

How come I gotta access the info?

I'm gonna go and try to talk some sense into Thor.

Right. I mean, what could go wrong there?

(GRUNTS)

Thor, you gotta call off the att*ck.

Intruder.

Yield, Heimdall.

This whole w*r's a set-up and I've got proof.

Show it to me.

Okay, I don't have it like, right this second, but I will get it.

Soon.

I believe it's time to commence the next phase of my plan.

Uh, this can't be good.

Hey! Where do you think you're going, tin can?

Thor: The Destroyer. There must be a malfunction.

Good to know. I'd hate to think that turning your own w*apon on your own ship was part of the plan.

I got this!

Your w*apon is clearly inadequate.

Wait! My buddy's on that armor.

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

Come on, load faster!

(GRUNTS)

Rocket: Ah!

That small, hairy creature, he is one of yours.

You turned the armor against us.

No. No, not true.

The Guardians are the enemies of Asgard and must be destroyed. (GRUNTING)

No, you got it all wrong! (GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

Guessing this isn't a social call.

(GRUNTS)

I do not know what they teach you on Asgard, but uninvited guests are never welcome!

Okay, think about it. If I could control that hunk of junk, why would I want it to open fire when I'm standing right next to you?

Loki's the mastermind.

He's giving the orders. I've seen it before!

Aye, it does seem like something the prince of lies would do.

And something a Spartaxian would do.

Peter: Wait, wait, wait!

I've got an idea how to prove I'm telling the truth. Just hear me out.

(AIRCRAFT APPROACHING)

No. No, no!

(BOTH GROANING)

Quill!

No!

Fandral and Sngela: Thor!

J'Son: Brave warriors of Spartax, the enemy is faltering.

Seize this moment and victory shall be ours!

Ho, ho. Now is that really necessary, J'Son?

I warn you, Loki. Blink wrong and you will cease to exist.

First of all, old friend, it's all-father Loki, ruler of Asgard and the nine realms.

And you need not worry, for I come seeking an immediate ceasefire.

Conflict and bloodshed will destroy both our kingdoms.

Peace is the only solution.

(CROWD CHEERING)

It is what my late brother Thor would have wanted.

And if anyone is responsible for this terrible w*r between Asgard and Spartax and the loss of my only son, it is the so-called Guardians of the Galaxy.

What did we do?

Nothin'. That's what.

And I got the goods to prove it.

See, I accessed the Destroyer's archives for a little blast from your past.

Sure, we all know J'Son of Spartax stole the Cosmic Seed from Asgard.

But guess who stole it back?

(CROWD YELLING)

Yeah, that's right, prince of lies. Busted.

Yes. Bravo.

Well played.

But who cares?

I specifically orchestrated a w*r to eliminate my brother and take over Asgard.

Which I have done, so I hereby pardon myself for all wrongdoings.

Thor: Pity you have no authority to do so. Oh.

Drax: Quill, you are not dead?

(CROWD CHEERING)

So, we took a dive to make you admit the truth.

My idea.

Thor: I would never conceive of such a devious plan, but I cannot argue with the results.

Peter: What can I say? It's a gift.

Take him into custody!

This is outrageous!

Not only does Asgard owe us an apology for this deception, but it must pay for the damage caused to our kingdom.

(CROWD CHATTERING)

Not so fast there, Daddy-O.

Quill: (ON RECORDING) After all these years of tryin' to keep the peace, you actually want this w*r?

Why?

Because this time I know I can win.

(GROANS)

Victoria: Do not test me, Father. I will do what I have to.

I understand, my dear.

And so must I.

(BEEPS)

Thanos: J'Son of Spartax.

Thanos? But how? Why?

I told you I knew I could win.

Thanos: You summon Thanos.

Then Thanos will end all.

(LAUGHING EVILLY)