02x17 - Chapter Thirty-Nine

[bunniefuu]

Latin lover narrator: All right, here we go, yo! As you know, Michael proposed to Jane and a wedding date was set.

Did you make the reservations for the chair rentals?

I'm working on it.

Exciting, right? Not as exciting: Xiomara and Rogelio broke up. Oh, and the Villanuevas' house flooded! Bright side: thanks to Rafael, the family got to stay at the Marbella. And speaking of Rafael, his half brother Derek is back in town.

Don't go off with him alone.

And Raf was working with Detective Michael to see if Derek was connected to their mother...

Where were you?

Right here. On this boat.

The notorious crime lord known as "Mutter." And, oh, yeah, he also just had twin girls with Petra, and truthfully Petra's not doing so great.

Nurse: And does postpartum depression run in your family?

Do you ever have thoughts of running away?

Latin lover narrator: I know! Mama drama, right? So let's dive in. As you all know, Jane Gloriana Villanueva didn't lose control very often.

(loud dance music playing)

But when she did... Oh, when she did...

(g*nsh*t, guests screaming)

it was epic. Ah, yes. You'll recall Jane's 21st birthday. The night she and Michael first met. But what you don't know is what happened after that kiss.

Don't get into any more trouble.

I won't.

But call me, okay?

I will.

(knocking at door)

Latin lover narrator: He couldn't bring himself to leave! It's so romantic!

So, one of your friends is passed out on your porch.

Latin lover narrator: Oh. Not quite as romantic.

That's not my friend.

It's my mom.

Here, let me help you.

It's okay, I got it.

Ma! Come on, wake up.

Huh?

Come on.

Oh, hey, Officer! (giggles)

You can put those cuffs on me any...

(Xiomara vomiting) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Yeah. That party was out of control... which is why Jane is taking control of her bachelorette party.

And after Mani-pedis, we'll have dinner from 7:00 to 10:00.

Strictly prohibited: strip clubs, cheesy bars, penis stuff.

Wow, this looks great.

Thank you, Lina.

Don't thank me. You wrote it.

True. Oh, which reminds me...

I made a seating chart for dinner.

I just have so many different groups, I want to make sure everyone melds. Don "Key-sotty"?

Jane: Don Quixote.

Oh.

It's reading for this week's class.

It's a really great book.

It's about this guy who sees the world as if it's one of his great romances and...

I'm out.

Okay.

Is this the seating chart?

Yep. All right, last chance, Abuela.

Do you want to come?

Latin lover narrator: Hard to argue with that. Or that.

Stop. Jane wants me there.

Okay, I should drop off Mateo with Rafael before my shift starts.

And thank you both.

You know, for not pushing back and just letting me have the bachelorette that I want.

Of course.

It's your party.

Bye!

Bye! Bye!

(gasps)

Do you think she suspects anything?

Definitely not.

(squeals)

Yes!

Thank you so much, ladies.

Surprise!

Uh...

(chuckles)

Oh, my God, Jane!

We're so happy to see you!

We missed you so much!

Oh, really?

That's so sweet.

Yeah!

So maybe you can convince Rogelio to invest in our fashion blog.

He thinks you're some kind of genius or something.

It's all about...

Both: Seeing Double!

Wow.

Neat.

See? Jane agrees that it's an awesome idea.

It makes perfect sense for you to give whatever money you were going to give to us for college to fund it.

Rogelio: Jane...

Please. Help.

Explain to them, in the unlikely event "Seeing Double" doesn't catch on, it's always good to have a backup plan.

Oh, y-yeah.

Well, I-I'm a big proponent of college.

Oh, there's a prospective student program at my school today, if you want to come by.

Check out the sitch.

That is a wonderful idea!

They will be there.

If they want me to even consider investing in their blog.

Both: Fine.

Great. Well, I have to run.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Girls, you haven't congratulated Jane on her engagement to the greatest man in the world.

Oh, my God, you're marrying Rafael?!

That's amazing!

Oh, you're so lucky!

No.

He's so sexy.

He's so gorgeous and rich.

No, that's...

And those abs...

No, I said no!

I am not marrying Rafael.

I am marrying Michael.

Oh.

Huh?

Oh. Okay.

He seems... loyal.

Yes.

Yeah.

Sorry we can't make it to your wedding.

Yeah, we're just super busy that day.

Latin lover narrator: I'll point out, they don't know when it is.

Congrats, though.

Thanks.

It's always a treat, seeing you girls.

I'm off, Dad.

No, please. Just make sure Michael got the invite reminder for tonight.

I never heard from him.

Maybe they didn't go through.

I'll send it to you, too.

(giggles nervously, sighs)

Michael: Oh, no, he sent it to you, too.

Jane: I'm getting it.

Hang on.

Oh, you really don't have to see it.

(maniacal laugh)

I'm sorry, but I really do.

Michael: Throw your hands up in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care because it's my bachelor party! Woot! Woot!

Is that your voice?

He made me record it.

Michael, I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

(laughs) I can't believe my dad's going to your bachelor party.

Latin lover narrator: Yeah, me neither. Here's what happened. I remember it like it was a week ago.

So, are there gonna be strippers?

Do you not want there to be strippers?

No, no, it's okay.

I mean, it's your bachelor party.

Well, if you don't want there to be strippers...

Okay, fine, fine, you convinced me, no strippers at your bachelor party.

Rogelio: You're having a bachelor party?

And I'm not invited?

No. Did you... Oh, he must not have...

Did you... you didn't get the e-mail.

Man, my friends are so flaky.

(laughs)

Oh... thank God!

'Cause for a minute, I was like, "My best brogelio"

"doesn't want me at his bachelor party?"

What's up, brother? Yeah.

Jane: So... what if I called my dad and told him not to go?

And you call my mom and tell her not to come?

Latin lover narrator: Yeah, that's not happening.

What? A girl can dream.

It's too late. He's already taking over the planning.

Which could be good.

I mean, let's face it, if it weren't for Rogelio, it would probably be me and my friends eating tacos over a trash can.

Why are you so sweet?

To me, to my dad...

Save it for the vows.

Printer deadline's Friday, right?

Mm-hmm.

Latin lover narrator: I should explain. In a Catholic mass, you can't recite your own vows, so theirs were going to be printed in the programs.

So, how's yours going?

Oh, it's great. Great, yeah.

You?

Yeah, just ironing out the last details.

Latin lover narrator: Sure, if you call 19 pages of general ideas "ironing out the last details." Wait, scratch that... 23 pages, actually.

Jane?

Professor Blake, hello.

Hey.

So, last minute, but, uh, one of the T.A.s who was supposed to speak to prospective students just canceled.

I know you just started office hours, but is there any way you could fill in for her?

Oh, my God.

Uh, I would love to, thank you so much!

Just remember... keep it professional.

Don't worry. Professional, got it.

Latin lover narrator: Which brings us here, now.

And as we dive into our section on Don Quixote, it's great seeing them connect to the material and relate Quixote's quest to their own youthful idealism.

Latin lover narrator: Yup. Youthful idealism at its best.

Jane: So, if you have any questions, I am more than happy to answer them.

Oh.

(knocking at door)

One second.

Hello, I'm looking for Jane Villanueva.

Yeah, I-I'm Jane Villanueva.

Milady.

Is this a skit for prospective students?

Allowest me to remove my armor.

I'm sorry, who... ?

Oh!

I am Don Quixote!

Ready to see what's in my Sancho Panza?

(students shriek)

No! Oh, wait, wait.

You know, wait, this is a mistake.

This is a mistake!

Ah! Oh! No...

Ah... ah!

I'm so sorry!

Professor Blake, I assure you I had no idea this was going to happen.

I'm having a bachelorette party later tonight, and it seems my friends got a bit overzealous.

I am not even a stripper person, not that that matters. Believe me, I'm as angry as you are.

Look, I understand that the incident wasn't your fault, but it was a public event, pictures were taken, people were horrified.

Latin lover narrator: To be fair, parents were horrified. Students were LOLing all over Instagram, or whatever the kids say these days.

And I will do whatever it takes to right the situation.

I know.

But I'm gonna have to talk to the dean.

I really don't know if you can continue as a T.A.

I'll check in end of day.

I just need the day to rest.

So if you could take the babies tonight...

What's wrong?

Nothing, I just, um... started my medication.

Latin lover narrator: For postpartum depression, you'll recall.

And it's giving me a pretty bad migraine.

So can you keep the babies?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, and make sure I'm not disturbed.

Latin lover narrator: Uh-oh. This isn't looking good.

(sighs)

Sorry.

Where were we?

Nowhere.

We got nothing so far.

What about the bug you put in Derek's office?

Latin lover narrator: You'll recall these two have been working together to discover... How shall I put this? It's rather nuanced...

Nothing.

whether Rafael's brother Derek is a good guy or a bad guy.

(growls)

His boat.

There's got to be something on his boat.

Good, so search his boat.

I-I get a warrant, he knows you told me about it.

So don't get a warrant.

Oh, come on, Michael.

We both know you're not above bending the rules.

Xiomara: So did you get a little visit from Don Quick-Naughty?

You were in on that? What were you thinking?

Hey, strippers were not technically on your "no" list.

Just strip clubs.

There's a big difference.

Yeah, well that big difference just gave me a lap dance in front of 50 students and parents.

What?!

I was asked to do a last-minute talk to prospective students and...

He was supposed to go to your office.

I wasn't there. He found me.

I'm sorry.

How could I have known he would turn out to be, like, the world's most industrious stripper?

This is why I implemented the "no surprise" rule in the first place.

I was clear.

No surprises.

♪ ♪

Maybe just one more?

Surprise!

Welcome to your bachelorette party.

(squealing with excitement, giggling)

What's going on?

This is not a part of my carefully detailed bachelorette party plan.

I know, but your mom and I decided that we owed it to you not to throw you the world's lamest party.

We owed it to everyone.

Latin lover narrator: Okay, here we have... Well, names aren't important.

We've taken care of everything.

But Mateo is... With Abuela all night in a guest room.

And I have to work tomorrow.

Luca's covering your shift so you can nurse what'd better be a raging hangover.

I have to finish my vows.

I called the printers and got them to agree to a one-day extension.

And we brought your party clothes!

Xiomara: And we're really sorry about the stripper, but there's nothing you can do about it tonight.

Except drink and take your mind off it. Right, girls?!

(whooping)

Come on, hon.

Wouldn't it feel good to lose control just this once?

Latin lover narrator: Come on, Jane, are you going to let down this group of vaguely familiar ladies who are apparently your very good friends?

All right, bring on the sh*ts!

(cheering)

To your last night of freedom.

(whooping)

(High-pitched voice): Whoo-hoo!

(whoops)

See, isn't this better than some boring dinner party?

Wow.

Uh, I thought you said we were just stopping by.

For five scrumptious courses prepared by my personal chef.

Now sit, sit, everyone, sit.

Open your swag bags.

They contain all the essentials for an epic bachelor party.

(quietly): What the hell's happening?

Oh.

Rogelio, you really didn't have to do this.

Of course I did.

You only get married once.

Right, guys?

Huh?

I need a drink.

Perfect.

I've done the wine pairings myself.

We'll start with an ice-cold pink champagne toast.

Oh, I almost forgot.

The pièce de résistance.

Open it.

Oh.

Wow.

(chuckles)

(all chuckling)

Turn it around.

(whoops)

(upbeat music playing)

(whooping)

Yes!

Whoo-hoo!

Angela's amazing.

Did you know she's a genius?

She really is a genius.

Actually, my IQ is 139, so it's just below.

You see?!

Only a genius would know that.

Xiomara: Totally.

(laughing)

(whoops)

♪ ♪

Whoo-hoo!

All right, I'm signing up for karaoke.

Sweet Lady Jane?

No!

Yes!

No, no, no!

Who's Sweet Lady Jane?

Xo, it's her Sasha Fierce.

When she gets drunk enough to freestyle.

You've never seen her like that?

No, I haven't.

But it is definitely happening tonight.

We need more drinks.

Agreed! Can you go get them?

I kind of have a history with Chad the hot bartender.

I don't want it to seem like I'm chasing him.

I mean, I am chasing him, but I don't want him to know.

On it!

(whoops)

So where'd you go to college?

Oh, I didn't.

Oh, weird. Why?

It just wasn't, like, my path.

So what do you do?

I'm a waitress with Jane.

But she goes to school.

Well, I-I'm a stylist, too.

I mean, I will be once that takes off.

So you, like, pick out clothes?

Xiomara: A sh*t for Sweet Lady Jane!

Uh, no, she is not coming out tonight.

She's definitely coming out tonight. Drink.

All (chanting): Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Whoo-hoo!

(camera shutter clicking)

Oh, no, no, no. No cameras.

No posting any pictures on the Twitter, the "Facegram" or "Instabook."

Hon, you got to relax.

No, Mom, I can't when they're documenting me on their phones.

I'm already on thin ice at school.

Okay, everybody, give me your phones!

What?!

Phone-free zone, people!

(whoops)

Yeah!

(whoops)

Uh...

Hey, Mom, Mom, Mom.

Why don't you just pace yourself?

Maybe get you a little food or something.

Hey, no Old Lady Jane tonight.

I want to meet Sweet Lady Jane!

Latin lover narrator: Huh, she doesn't look thrilled. And neither does she.

The best thing you could do for those girls is to give them away.

Latin lover narrator: Oh, dear. Very suspicious. Also suspicious... Looks like Michael decided to break the law after all. And here I'd thought he'd changed. Well, he did change his shirt at least.

(gasps)

Nicholas.

Grappa is a digestif.

It's to be sipped, not chugged like a sh*t of cheap tequila.

I wish it were cheap tequila.

(laughing): Yeah, boy.

Remember when we road-tripped to the Redneck Riviera and Michael got wasted on Mezcal?

No. Stop.

Oh, yeah, the night he ate the worm.

Shh.

Eating the worm is the least of what happened that night.

Guys, guys, let's not bore Rogelio, my future father-in-law, with these boring stories, okay?

No, Vincent, finish your story, please.

What happened in this Redneck Riviera?

I must know.

Uh, well... we had a nice talk about our feelings and how much we respect women, and then we all went to bed by 10:00.

(chuckles) The end.

That's a weird story, Vincent.

Rogelio.

This dinner, fantastic.

The oysters, the pheasant, the-the macaroons.

But, uh, maybe it's time to head out?

Let's do it.

I've gotten us into the hottest spot in town.

All right.

This Russian bathing ritual dates back centuries.

The euca leaves really promote exfoliation and circulation.

You will be glowing for the wedding, Michael.

You may not even need a spray tan.

♪ Macho, macho man ♪
♪ I've got to be a macho man... ♪

Have you seen my mom?

Xiomara: Jane!

Ma!

There's my daughter. They didn't believe I have a daughter old enough to get married.

Tell them you're my daughter.

(chuckles) I'm her daughter.

Mom, I need my phone.

No, no phones.

No, no, Mom, I'm serious.

You see how serious she is?

Mom!

No.

No, no. Phone-free zone!

No, uh, wait, Ma, where are you going?

To protect you from yourself!

No, Mom, that's not funny!

I'm doing you a favor!

You'll thank me later!

(stammering)

Give it to me!

What do you want to use it for?

You want to do some work?

No, I need to see if Professor Blake called me and to see if I still have my job because of the stripper you sent.

Fine.

But I'm holding it.

So you don't go answering e-mails.

Fine.

Jane: You see?

Professor Blake left a voice mail.

Okay, he's just calling to say...

Oh, my God, I can keep my job!

Yes!

(laughs)

Go, Professor Tight-Ass! That guy is such a d*ck.

I thought I was gonna have to, like, send a stripper to his house to pull the pole out of his ass.

Female voice: Would you like to send your message with normal delivery?

Wait, what message?

Oh, my God, no, no, no.

What happened? Stop.

Must've hit "call back."

Message sent.

No...

Okay, we need to come up with a plan.

Latin lover narrator: Unfortunately, coming up with a plan is quite difficult when you are... Well, let's check.

(High-pitched voice): Whoo-hoo!

Don't worry, nobody listens to their voice mail anymore.

What are you talking about?

Everybody listens to their voice mails, Ma.

Lina: I've got an idea.

Go.

Let's ask Siri.

Any other suggestions?

Angela, go.

I think if we all think really hard, we could delete it with our minds.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Latin lover narrator: This ought to be good.

He's at a party for prospective students.

I am gonna go to that party and I am going to steal his phone and I'm going to erase that message.

Wait, you can't go in there.

You just had a stripper at school.

Right.

Can you go?

Way too drunk.

Angela, can you go?

Sure. Where?

I know who could go!

(gasps)

I have to pee!

Get in. Hurry.

Not so fast.

Since we're doing you a favor, we want something in return.

What?! Seriously?

We want to come to your wedding now.

Great, you're in, twins. Let's do this.

Both: And be bridesmaids.

What? Why?

You don't even like me.

Yeah, but we could sell the pictures to some tabloid because of Rogelio and fund our blog.

Plus, we'll be wearing our own designs.

This is our chance to be like the Olsen twins.

But less depressing.

And without Mary-Kate's weird old French guy.

Fine, let's go!

Yes! Awesome!

(gasps)

Break out the booze!

We're doing sh*ts!

No, no sh*ts.

Men: sh*t! sh*t! sh*t!

Latin lover narrator: Truth be told, if Derek knew his boat was being searched, he probably wouldn't feel so buoyed. See what I did there? But alas, he doesn't.

Dude, you don't have to keep buying us drinks all night.

Hey, brotherly bonding.

And plus, I have two sleeping babies and two night nurses upstairs that yell at me every time I make noise.

(chuckles)

So, did you consider asking?

Stop, no.

Asking what?

He wants to buy into this deal I'm looking at.

I told him he should hit up his rich brother.

Brandon, enough. All right.

I just am not in a position to make any investments right now.

No, of course not.

Let's just call it. Thanks for the drinks.

We should, uh, head back to the boat.

No, now, hey, just, uh, just stay.

Uh, it's weird. Now, now it seems like I'm after your money or something.

No, it doesn't. It's fine, hey.

Come on, just sit down?

Sit down!

Come on, another round.

Let me at least pay this time.

Hey, put your money away.

Latin lover narrator: I don't know about you, but I'm not on board with this make-under.

How'd you become a stylist?

You have to have good taste so celebrities want your opinion.

Do any celebrities want yours?

(phone chimes)

Lina: Well, they will eventually.

(chuckles, sighs)

Enough with the questions!

Up to you, but I'd lose the towel.

It's not good for your pores.

Hey, you know, I'm feeling, I'm feeling okay.

Your choice. After this, a quick plunge in the cold pool and massages.

Space is limited, so be sure to tell me who you want as your couples massage partner, while I grab us some cucumber water.

Okay, dude.

Dude, what the hell?

This is weird, dude.

No, no, no, wait, we left weird back at his apartment.

This is way past weird.

I know, but what am I supposed to do?

Get rid of your crazy father-in-law.

Look, obviously I don't want Rogelio here.

I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Rogelio, I'm sorry.

No-no apology necessary.

I will take my leave so you can start having fun.

Hey, Rogelio, I am so sorry. I feel terrible.

If you didn't want me at your party, then why did you invite me?

I never meant to.

When you found about it and-and wanted to come, I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

And then you ran with it, making this whole night.

Your friends weren't making any plans.

I wanted it to be special.

I know.

I thought you like being pampered.

Men these days.

They don't take enough time for themselves.

It's not about the SPA.

Having you here, it changes the dynamic with my friends.

But we're friends!

#Brogelios4Life.

We are, but we're also about to be family, and you know, that changes things.

They can't tell funny stories and have them be inappropriate while my wife's dad is around, you know?

Yeah, I understand.

If I were a normal dad.

But I'm a cool dad.

You can be inappropriate around me, I swear.

(sighs)

Okay, we... I mean, all right.

You know that story with the Redneck Riviera?

When you ate the worm? Hilarious.

Yeah, and after that, we went to a strip club where we met a stripper named Jane and her twin sister, and she showed us...

Enough, stop it!

I'm sorry.

I get it.

I get it.

You've made your point.

I'll cancel the massages so you can go to a bar with your friends and talk about things I never want to hear about again.

Okay, let's get out of the pool...

Wait, wait, wait, I-I mean, I'm not really in a bar mood right now... are you?

I mean, we go to bars, like, every night.

Yeah, and a two-hour massage, bro, sounds kind of cool.

Fine, yeah, yeah.

We'll, uh, we'll get the massages.

Valeria: Relax.

We got this.

Okay, repeat the plan back to me just to make sure.

You go.

I thought you were listening.

I listened last time.

Okay, both of you, listen!

One of you says you have a personal emergency and you need to borrow Professor Blake's phone because both of your phones are dead, then one of you stays with him while the other one goes to make the call and deletes the voice mail, then you return the phone to Professor Blake and you slip out.

One champagne.

No champagne!

Calm down, calm down, we got this. This is easy.

Yeah, it's like taking candy from a baby.

Latin lover narrator: Or leaving your babies. Honestly, I don't know what's more shocking. Petra abandoning her children or Petra taking a bus.

(moaning)

Can't believe how much I like this.

You-you never had a massage?

No.

Well, they are very relaxing.

So, Ro?

Is everything cool with us?

Yes, I understand what you're saying.

There should be a certain amount of decorum between father-in-law and son-in-law.

I don't need to hear everything.

Okay, but the thing is, you did hear about the strippers or whatever.

Does that change the way you feel about me?

What?

Of course not.

(sighs) Okay, good.

I was worried.

You were?

Of course.

What you think really matters to me.

More than anything.

I mean... (chuckles)

I'm marrying your daughter.

You're massaging my heart right now, Michael Cordero.

Latin lover narrator: Aw! Looks like this massage has a happy ending after all!

(both imitate small expl*si*n)

And just for the record, I couldn't imagine anyone better for Jane.

Oh...

You are my dream man.

Jane: This is a nightmare.

Here, this will take the edge off waiting.

I can't believe this is happening!

We got it!

Huh?

Piece of cake!

You took it?

We figured we'd let you do the honors.

Fine, give me that.

Oh, yes, it doesn't require a code.

Sucker. Ooh!

(gasps) Found my voice mail.

He didn't listen!

Yes!

(gasps) What is that?

His wallet.

What?!

(phone beeping)

What is it doing?

Oh, he has Find My Phone!

What?!

Ditch it, quick!

(grunts)

No!

Now!

Aah! Gah!

No!

For our blog!

Leave it. (both grunt)

Run! Run!

We really did it! I can't believe we did it!

Latin lover narrator: Me neither.

Now let's get back to partying!

Wait, where's my mom?

She went back to get the phones.

What phones?

I guess she left her purse with our phones in the bar?

What?

Except yours!

So we got her an Uber and she's on it.

(sighs)

Chad's on the lookout.

Latin lover narrator: And that's when...

Your fiancé.

She saw him. And he saw her.

Oh...

Did you hear back from your mom?

No, not yet.

God, your skin looks amazing.

Spasibo.

(laughs)

That's thank you in Russian.

Fancy.

I know.

(phone chimes)

Oh, please, please, please.

Finally.

Ah...

I got this.

Don't worry, I'm in charge of your mom.

Really?

Really.

Lina: Good news, bachelors and bachelorettes, everyone is down for an after-party at the Marbella.

Should we do it?

I don't know.

Do you want to?

I wouldn't mind a drink.

Last night of freedom, right?

Let's do it.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

Latin lover narrator: And do it, they did!

♪ 'Cause we comin' out tonight... ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hip-hop hooray... ♪

I am on it, I am (high voice): on it! Yeah!

(laughs)

(whoops)

♪ 'Cause we comin' out tonight... ♪

Hey.

I might have not gone to college, but at least I can dance, okay?

Why are you being so mean?

Oh, my God, Angela's been so rude to me all night!

What are you talking about?

Yeah, yeah.

Asking questions...

That's Angela!

That's why we call her Weird Angela.

I thought you said she was brilliant.

She is, and weird.

Angela?

No! No!

Yes!

Angela, Lina would like to apologize to you.

I'm sorry if I was rude to you tonight.

When were you rude?

(mouths) Who's thirsty?

Should I? I'm pretty wasted.

I just texted your mom.

She's pulling into the hotel.

Do it.

♪ Hey, hey, hip-hop hooray ♪
♪ Pop a bottle and flow all day... ♪

Ah! (whoops)

♪ Pop a bottle and flow all day ♪
♪ 'Cause we comin' out tonight... ♪

It is going down!

Yeah?

Yeah! (whoops)

(chimes tinkle)

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor and privilege to welcome to the stage the Queen of Miami, the Boss of the Beach, the Maiden of the Marbella... it's Sweet Lady Jane!

(cheering)

♪ ♪
♪ First things first, I'm Sweet Lady Jane ♪
♪ And I'm-a drop lyrics so sick, they insane ♪
♪ Got the 305 and I'm bringing the pain ♪
♪ Got the fly boys screamin' "That's Sweet Lady Jane" ♪
♪ Got a secret for y'all: it's my last night of freedom ♪
♪ I'm like Don Quixote and I'm finding my kingdom ♪
♪ Got my king by my side 'cause this queen likes to ride ♪
♪ Far away from the baby mama drama drama drama drama... ♪

Latin lover narrator: At least, that's what happened in her head. In reality... Jane was really wasted. So it was more like this.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

All: Yeah!

♪ Y'all say... ♪

The point was, she lost control.

♪ I love you like you love me... ♪
♪ Yo. Yo. ♪ (beatboxing)

♪ It's gotta be great ♪
♪ I cannot wait ♪
♪ I wanna rock, I wanna roll ♪
♪ I wanna be so gangster ♪
♪ I'm gonna go slow, real slow... ♪

Latin lover narrator: Oh, dear. Someone seems to be having regrets.

Wait a second.

I wasn't awful.

So awful.

(laughing): Oh, no!

Lina, um, a-as your friend, I feel like it's my duty to let you know that guy Chad, who you like, he's out in the hall, and...

Oh!

Oh, my God. You have got to be kidding me.

Mom?

(exhales) Uh...

Chad: Wait, Lina, wait.

Jane, I'm sorry.

This is why I didn't want you at my bachelorette party.

Because I knew this would happen.

I knew you would act like a drunk sorority girl.

Wait. That's not fair.

You're right.

(crying): It's not fair!

You know why I'm such a control freak, Mom?

Because I grew up with you, and you are so out of control!

Hey.

I am so sorry.

No.

He was clearly a jerk.

It's better I know now.

Are you okay?

I think this... and the Angela thing...

It's like, you're getting married, you have a kid, and I'm happy for you, I am.

I know.

But it just makes me think how everything is moving forward for you, but I'm still sort of lost.

I don't want to be at the Marbella forever.

And you won't be.

Yeah.

(sniffs)

Do you want to make a list?

What kind of list?

Well, just like a five-point action item list.

Don't worry, it's, like, the most basic type of list.

Oh, my God, you have different types of lists? Of course.

(laughs)

Hey, if you want to be a stylist, you gotta come up with a plan, right?

Okay. Let's do it.

And my mom owes you an apology, of course.

No. It's like she helped me, kind of.

Seeing that... you know? I don't know.

It's like a cautionary tale, right?

(door opens)

Mmm...

I know.

Oh...

(sighs)

I messed up, Ma.

I really messed up.

No...

What the hell?

Oh, we all got them. Bam!

Oh, no!

Yep.

Oh, my God...

Yeah.

(giggles)

Oh, I'm still drunk.

I know.

(giggles)

But can I say something?

I love you so much.

Latin lover narrator: So, I guess we're back to gushing levels.

And I'm not just gushing because I'm drunk, I'm gushing because...

I've been having trouble with my vows.

Distilling what to say.

And tonight I realized it's simple.

With you...

You make me feel safe, in the best way.

And my mom kept telling me to lose control, but I couldn't until you got here.

Because I know you're watching over me.

(sobs)

Instead of me always having to watch over everyone else.

So tonight is not my last night of freedom, it's my first night of freedom.

And that's what I'm going to put in my vows.

Minus the whole "mom out of control" part.

Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.

I've been feeling a little stuck, and I, and I figured out why...

During my massage.

(laughs)

I realized that some things are only meant for certain people to hear.

Latin lover narrator: Redneck Riviera, for example... Not a story for fathers-in-law.

And when it comes to my feelings for you... you're the only person that I want to share those with.

So I was wondering if... maybe we didn't put the vows in the program... but instead I told you them right now.

(softly): Yes.

Yes, please.

♪ ♪

Jane...

(whispers): Yeah?

♪ ♪

Sorry, but remember, he wants these to be private. You'll just have to take my word for it... They were perfect.

♪ ♪

Thank you. And I am so sorry again for waking them up when I got in last night.

(sighs)

(phone chimes)

Huh.

I-I get a warrant, he knows you told me about it.

So don't get a warrant.

Oh, come on, Michael.

We both know you're not above bending the rules.

Those days are over.

It's all got to be by the book now.

So apparently, Rafael took matters into his own hands, and he got proof that his brother was telling the truth.

Thanks for letting me crash.

You okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

For the first time, he trusts you.

Sorry, I'm just... Are you hungry?

Yeah. Here, let's get some food, huh?

I'll pull up a menu.

What's that e-mail? From the bank?

Oh, my God.

What?

Did I buy stock last night?

I don't know, man.

It's all kind of a blur.

(chuckles): Yeah.

Oh, my God, I did.

And I just... made $5 million.

Okay. Wow.

Uh... so we should probably get our stories straight, right?

What do you mean?

Well, Brandon knew they had the patent... before they announced it this morning.

You mean like... insider trading?

I'm sorry, I... I thought you knew.

That's why... I didn't want you to invest.

What a mess. And from one mess to another.

(knocking)

Hey. Pastelitos.

Ah, yes. An old family tradition.

(knocking)

Pastelitos from Isidoro's.

♪ ♪

I'm sorry about last night.

I-I was out of control.

It's just that you're turning 21.

And you're getting married.

(crying): You're an adult now.

And what that does to me...

What that does to me... well, it makes me feel old, for one.

And it makes me realize... that my big job is done.

Being a mom, it's the only thing I've been really successful at.

(sobbing): And it makes me wonder... what am I doing with my life?

♪ ♪

(crying): A-And I just realized that I...

(chuckles) have to figure it out, you know?

So I will.

And I'm sorry.

It's okay, Mom.

I know it's hard.

And I'm sorry.

And maybe it was Jane's hangover or the fact that it was the same apology Xo had given four years before and four years before that, but this time Jane said...

I don't want your apology, Mom.

I want you to grow up.

What are you talking about? I'm plenty grown up.

We've been having the same conversation for years.

At this point, I should remind you that Jane didn't lose control very often.

And I've had it.

Enough with all the excuses and the apologies.

At this point you are just a cautionary tale.

But when she did, it was epic.

(taking deep breaths)

♪ ♪

Which brings us back to Petra.

♪ ♪

It should be noted that Petra, too, rarely lost control.

Oh, my God.

My long-lost sister! It's you!

(laughs): It's really you!

Oh!

Then again, that isn't Petra.

(exhales)