01x02 - The Hotel

[bunniefuu]

Okay, you were going to a work conference and you were tacking on a family vacation.

Yeah.

But then you got fired, so your company canceled your plane tickets, and you and your wife decided to drive down to Fort Lauderdale.

We didn't actually decide that together because I didn't tell my wife I got fired.

Huh. That seems odd. Why not?

She is the kind of person who craves stability.

It's... it's important to her.

Oh, sure. Is that why she let your 11-year-old son drive your minivan into a ditch and left you stranded here in rural Pennsylvania?

That was my idea.

Yeah? How 'bout this?

How'd you get fired?

I messed up pretty bad, which is another reason I didn't tell my wife.

Great. Tell me.

♪♪

[Chuckles]

Mmm.

So I got these for the Fort Liquor-Dale trip.

They're the good ones. Korean.

Yeah, I hear they have really good batteries.

Oh, konnichiwa! Ay!

[Imitating Japanese accent] Me vapor you rong time.

[Normal voice] Hey.

Supposed to laugh. Otherwise, it sounds r*cist.

[Forced laughter]

Gene. Mean Gene.

- Mm.

I know what you did. [Door closes]

Oh, you do, do ya?

Mm-hmm.

Well, keep it quiet 'cause she's married.

Christ, I thought I fired you already.

Yeah, he fired me because I dared to care about this company.

No, I fired him because he's a reactionary knee-jerk hot head.

Crudité?

Shut up, Paul.

Oh, sh*t. Nate!

You were a project manager, but this product is way above your pay grade.

Yeah, I have done the research, and that product is dangerous.

Why are you so concerned about a bunch of door knobs?

Oh, that's what we call our customers now?

Yeah, 'cause that's what they are.

No! They are human beings!

They are children. All right?

They are fathers. They are mothers.

I lost my son.

Oh, Christ. I'm sorry.

Is that why you're always crying?

Is it... [Whimpers]

You are such a dipshit.

No, it was one of those things where it got too late to ask, you know?

Yeah. I think I signed the card.

It was Kevin, right?

[Crying] Bruce.

Bruce. I'm sorry.

Please, Gene...

[Blows nose]

If you take this product public, it will destroy the company, okay?

And I know you guys don't care, sitting up here with your golden parachutes.

But for the rest of us, the regular people out there, we need this, Gene, okay?

This is all we have.

Are you gonna cry?

What?

Are you gonna pull a Shelly?

[Crying] Crying can be very healthy.

Mm-hmm.

You are so totally gonna cry.

I don't cry.

[g*nsh*t] Young male voice: Mama?

Male voice: Your mother can't be with you anymore, Scambi.

Are you cryin'? If you're gonna feel sad about something, feel sad for that hunter.

It's winter! He's still gotta field dress the carcass.

Hands are freezing, making that breastplate to anus incision all jagged.

He's gonna ruin perfectly good meat.

So quit cryin'.

Mama!

[g*nsh*t]

[Mock crying] Now I gotta call my family and tell them they can't go to the beach.

[Mock crying]

[Scattered laughs]

[Exhales]

You're fired, Nate.

[Mock crying]

What an ass hickey.

[Loud hissing] Whoa!

Son of bitch!

It's electronic, you dipshit.

[Hissing resumes] [Grunts]

Damn!

Man: ♪ somewhere behind the mountains ♪
♪ There is a place I figured out... ♪

[Music warps, rewinds]

Robin: Okay, listen, here we go.

Nate: All right.

This is happening. It... it...

I... w-we put this off too long.

Okay, we can put it off a little longer.

I'm not sure this is the best place for this conversation.

Ugh.

She has an egg. He has a seed.

Seed fertilizes the egg. Nine months later... baby.

How does the seed get into the egg?

I don't know. Mom?

You didn't tell her the most important part?

You neglected to tell him anything?

Because Toddy told him.

Come on.

Driver's ed ain't just telling 'em not to crash.

It's teaching them to steer into the skid, if you know what I mean.

I don't... At all.

I'd already know this if you'd just unlock my phone.

It's for your protection. I told you that.

Okay. Guys, here's the deal.

[Groans]

So... When a man and a woman decide they wanna make a baby, the couple kiss and hug, and there's lots of good feelings.

And the man gets very excited... well, women get excited, too.

Of course, the... yes. But the... very excited.

But the man gets physically aroused and he becomes erect.

What's that mean?

We're talking about getting your daddy's pistons pumpin'.

We're talking about it.

Over here. Our family.

When men get aroused, their, um...

Ding dongs?

No. If we're gonna do this, let's use correct terms, okay?

Their penis. It... Grows bigger.

How big? Tell me when to stop.

Nate: No. Stop.

That's huge!

Well, it's not that big.

Yeah, thanks.

So what do you do with it?

Well... [sighs]

Mm. Uh, the man gently inserts his penis into the woman's vag*na.

[High-pitched voice] Did he do that to you?

No, no, no, don't get upset.

Oh, it's... it's okay.

She wanted it done to her. It's a very nice feeling.

Sometimes.

No... What? No. All the time.

No...

It's... when a woman first tries it when she's much, much older, it hurts a little bit.

Does it hurt for guys?

No. Never. Always feels great.

But once she gets used to it, it's lovely.

It's just a gentle fusion of... of two bodies.

Slow, tender moves. Up and down and around.

Not around.

It's... what?

Not around.

Around's a great move.

It's not necessary, though.

It's very necessary to stimulate the... what does the girl do with her jumbos?

Hey, come on. Breasts.

They just... they... s-stay put.

There are some things that you can do that don't involve completely ignoring them.

Like what?

Anyway, after about two, three minutes...

Of... Of really good feelings... it's a lot longer than that.

When the man is ready, or sometimes ready a little too early...

Oh, come on. Twice. It happened twice.

The woman accepts the daddy's seed, called semen.

It's sperm.

Sperm.

What's that look like?

Like a white map of Hawaii.

It's what Toddy says.

No. It's like...

Mm. Um... [clicks tongue]

Like shampoo.

No, it's less thick. It's like tahini sauce.

Sure. Sure. It's saltier, but yeah.

Wait. How do you know what it tastes like?

You don't eat it. Do you?

I do. Some... on special occasions.

Birthdays.

Do you eat hers?

No, no. Women don't have semen.

But rest assured, if they did, your father would go nowhere near it.

Well, thanks to a 3-week menstrual cycle... oh, looks like your starter motor ain't gauging on the flywheel.

Sh... guy! What is your deal with the car-based metaphors about how I can't sexually satisfy my wife?

But I bet you could, huh, with your big old pipe wrench?

Well, was just saying your starter motor cut the teeth off your flywheel.

Huh.

That's why your Van won't start.

Mm-hmm.

I could probably fix it, but it won't be ready till the mornin'.

Okay.

And I apologize if you thought I was being suggestive towards your wife, but, uh, I get off on the dipstick, if you know what I mean.

Are you sure you don't want to unlock this phone?

'Cause I got a whole new set of questions.

[Exhales slowly]

[Crickets chirping]

Why did you choose this place?

[Muzak playing]

Because know what I'm getting... clean room, pool, business center.

Well, the breakfast is terrible.

The breakfast is free, so it's great.

Okay, how many keys would you like, Mr. Parkerjar?

Uh, just one's fine. Sorry, what'd you call me?

Uh, Mr. Parkerjar?

It's just Parker.

Oh. Well, your license says, "Parker j-r."

[Chuckles] [Gasps]

I'm sorry. It's been a long day.

Oh, not as long as ours.

Okay, well...

[Key cards clatter] You're all set to go for one night in a non-smoking, deluxe garden view junior suite, Mr. Parkerjer.

Well, can't wait to enjoy my "Jer suite."

Oh, no, it's junior suite, Mr. Parkerjer.

[Crickets chirping loudly]

What the hell is that?

[Gasps]

My god, forgot about these weed gummies.

Aren't you glad we didn't fly now?

Still no, but we should totally get high and do it.

I think it's crickets.

[Singsongy] It's a hotel room.

I know you love doing it in hotel rooms.

No, they're in the room.

[Chirping continues]

Sweetie? Honey?

We're gonna get high.

[Groans]

It's the best combo.

It's so loud.

Got my butt in your face. They...

I'm presenting myself to you, honey.

[Chirping continues]

[Sighs]

Come on.

[Mutters indistinctly]

[Chirping loudly]

Both: Aah!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh-ho!

Whoa. Okay.

I told you it was crickets.

I'm really sorry for the inconvenience, sir.

It was a bed full of crickets.

It's a little more than inconvenient.

Well, you did ask for the garden suite, sir.

[Swipes card, lock buzzes]

[Whispers] Come on.

This key doesn't work.

Well, you probably put it next to your cellphone.

It demagnetizes.

I don't have my cellphone.

Jared: Help me, Mom! Help me! I'm going into the lava!

Perish! [Laughs] No!

Are these your able-bodied kids?

Yeah. Sorry.

Oh, my god! Oh, sorry. Sorry.

[Woman screams]

Someone else was in my room.

Oh, well, that must have not been your room then.

No. It was the couple having sex.

Kids, get off.

[Children screaming indistinctly]

Delilah: And you shall die!

Man: Get away from the door! Go away!

[Metal clangs]

[Loud thud, glass shatters]

[Crickets chirping]

Well, this place sucks, huh?

Tell me about it. Only Lucky gets to use the ride.

[Chair whirring]

Why did you say that?

I am so sorry.

I am Lucky.

I survived a panther att*ck.

Oh. Well, good. That's... lucky.

[Water splashing]

You guys are stupid. This place is great.

I am officially on vacation with this jet.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, hey, farmer!

How's the zucchini coming right now?

It's...

Yeah, that's a, uh...

Ooh, that's an impressive harvest.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You should be impressed, 'cause most farmers my age need to genetically modify their zucchinis.

Oh, you just made it yucky.

Did you get high without me?

[Giggles] Little bit. Little bit.

Yeah, a lot bit.

A little bit.

[Giggles]

[Giggling]

Where's mine?

Oh.

I ate both of them because they were old.

That's not how dr*gs work.

I'm pretty sure it is.

No, you took enough for four people.

Well, dr*gs are for people.

For horny farmer's daughter's people.

That's what I am.

Yeah. Yeah, you know what?

You know what?

Nope. Yeah, get on top of this.

No?

Nope, 'cause I'm the farmer. Mnh-mnh.

You don't like that? Oh, hey, kids!

Did we discuss finding the clitoris?

No! No!

Did I tell you about Mike Muldoon?

You didn't.

Uh, well, he educated me my Jer year.

Mm-hmm.

And I thank him every day for it.

Really? You thank him every day?

Every day.

He had a doctorate in clitoriture.

He did?

Yeah.

Did he go to school for that?

He did.

He... [Stifles laugh]

Baby, you know what?

You don't like these shorts.

What? These shorts are great.

Yeah, but look at that big rip. Let's just rip 'em.

Hey. Come on. No, no, no.

Let's just... let's just...

No. Easy. No, come on. Easy, easy.

Oh! [Laughs]

Hell. Whoops!

I gotta go pee. I'll be right back.

Yeah... hold that thought.

No. My thought is, give me a towel.

Okay.

Um, I don't see any towels. I'll just go get you one.

Well, at least give me the shorts back!

Relax. It's just...

[Children shouting]

Be right back.

This is not relaxing.

[Jared shouts indistinctly]

[Inhales deeply]

[Sighs contentedly]

There's nothing like a hot fresh towel out of the dryer, right?

Thank you so much for this.

Ew, that's gross.

[Dryer buzzes]

[Muzak playing light samba jazz]

♪♪

[Flip flops thud]

Can we get out of here?

Yes, please.

Can you guys get me a towel?

This place is called Swift Stay Suites?

Swift stay suites. That's really hard to stay.

You said "stay."

It is hard to stay... And say.

You say it.

Swift stay suites.

Three times fast.

Swift stay suites. Swift sway suites.

Swift sway suites.

You said "swift sway" two times.

You said...

Get me a towel!

All right. Relax.

Jeez.

I want some of that. I want some of... [mutters]

[Gasps loudly] Oh!

I want this inside me right now.

I told you, we're only open for breakfast.

No!

No, wanna taste this, Barney.

You can make this happen for me. Please?

I want this so bad. I want it so bad.

I suppose I could, uh, whip up a few items for you.

[Whispers] Great. I love you so much.

All right, now so what can I get on my Belgian waffles?

There's some fresh fruit.

No. How 'bout some ice cream and French fries?

Yeah? Great. Okay. Yeah.

[Lowered voice] Meet me in my room.

[Muzak continues playing]

[Water bubbling]

[Muzak continues playing]

[Door creaking]

[Man speaks indistinctly in distance]

♪♪

[Muzak playing]

I've got another question for you.

Of course you do. You're kids.

You're curious about the world. You have questions...

And I wanna answer them for you.

[Swipes card, lock beeps]

Behold the Swift Stay Suites business center.

[Door creaks] You know what you're gonna get in here?

You're gonna get computers that your dad hasn't taught to lie to you yet.

[Giggles] This is awesome!

Thanks, Mom!

Whoo!

[Whispers] Oh, my god.

[Muzak continues playing]

[Grunts]

Man: That's it. That's it right there.

Yeah, right there, baby.

[Grunts]

Oh, yeah, I like that.

Open this door.

[Doorknob rattles]

[Knocks on window]

Open the door. Come on!

What's the matter with you?

Why are you naked?

Give me your shirt. [Door closes]

What? Wait...

Take it off!

Quickly, please. [Tapping]

Don't look at me!

Why didn't you bring me a towel?

I'm coming. I'm coming. [Sighs]

What are you guys watching?

Nothing.

I'm coming! Right there. I'm coming.

Come on, guys, this is why I've...

I'm coming!

Oh, but I gotta deal with this big castle right here first.

When you lock the computers, we can't watch this stuff.

Yeah, and I didn't know a reaper can actually spawn with a shadow level of 9 or less.

I'm gonna get you, big reaper!

Okay. Well...

Let's get out of here before I get arrested, okay?

[Knocking on door rapidly]

[Latch clicks]

Where were you?

Oh, just smoking doobies, dude.

[Chuckles] No, you weren't.

Delilah: Is this our room?

Yeah, go. [Chuckles]

Jared: Oh, this is awesome! This is amazing!

Hey. Thanks for stranding me.

Those are great shorts. I love the new shorts.

Yeah, your child's T-shirt?

Yeah. They're sexy.

They're not.

Yeah.

Mnh-mnh.

Mmm. [Kisses]

Mm. It's got an access hole.

Yeah, look at that.

That's easy access.

Look at that. Look at that.

Honey, what... what's this? Yeah. Let's do this.

You wanna do this now?

Yeah.

You don't wanna wait till they go to sleep?

No, no, no. No, come on. Let's do this now.

Come here. Come here.

What, what, what, what?

Up here.

I was going to get to them.

I know. Okay. All right. Get in there.

Yeah, pull that to the side.

Mmm.

Ow. Ow. It doesn't bend that way.

What?

Doesn't bend that way. Why do you even do yoga?

Well... [sighs]

[Knock on door]

Delilah: You guys have to come see this room!

In a minute!

Let's go to the bed. Let's go to the bed.

No, let's do it here.

No, it's gonna... it's not gonna last long enough.

Jared: Are you coming?

No, not yet.

Your dad needs a minute. Exactly.

I last longer than that.

[Knock on door]

Barney: Food's here!

What? Your ordered food?

I'm so hungry!

[Gasps]

[Cart rattling]

You're in for a treat, Miss Parkerjar.

I whipped up some... Oh.

Didn't realize there was a Mr. Parkerjar.

There's not.

Oh, great.

Where would you like it then, Miss Parkerjar?

Oh, just, you know, everywhere.

But she only likes it on the bed, actually.

Great.

Yeah.

Definitely don't put it on the counter.

Okay, we have...

Order of cheesy eggs for you, Miss Parkerjar.

We have an omelet, hold the fruit, Miss Parkerjar.

Order of bacon, Miss Parkerjar.

Sausage and links, Miss Parkerjar.

Sausage patties, Miss Parkerjar.

Belgian waffle with ice cream.

[Gasps]

Now I couldn't make any fries, so I did find some home fries and put them on top for you, Miss Parkerjar.

We have some ketchup for the home fries, Miss Parkerjar.

Okay, we don't need to run through the condiments.

Nate, listen to yourself, come on.

And we keep the cups upside down so you don't get dust in them, Miss Parkerjar.

All you have to do is give them a flip.

Listen to him. He's telling you how cups work.

Why are you so angry? That's not like you.

No, don't make this about me.

Babe, know that I may seem a little bit "high" to you right now.

"Yes."

But I see it, okay?

Throughout this day and this night, and the fact that you own it and that you're...

[Speaks indistinctly]

That you're holding on to it, it makes it so much better now than what it was then.

That made no sense.

[Speaking indistinctly]

You're carrying this thing around, and it's so heavy.

And you don't have to do this alone, Nate.

Put a little bit of butter on that.

And we have some really, really amazing toast.

I don't know where it comes from.

Don't be an island, Nate. Just swim to us.

We are so lucky to have you, and you are such a good dad.

But you gotta purge this thing that you're carrying around, or else it's gonna calcify in your chest, and it's gonna make it impossible for you to love us back, babe.

[Barney speaks indistinctly]

That's it. Just cry!

Just cry, Nate. Go ahead. I'm not your mom.

That's what you need. You just need a good cry.

[Crying] I'm not crying.

Well, you are.

I don't cry.

Tissues, Mr. Parkerjar?

I said I don't cry!

Hey, honey...

[Sniffles]

Why do you... why do you think it is that you needed to cry?

[Inhales shakily]

Honey? Honey.

[Sniffles]

Spill it. No, it's...

No, honey, it's okay.

Come on. Just let it out.

[Sniffles]

I got fired.

I was gonna tell you, and then it just... it was never the right time. But...

I just wanted to give the kids a good vacation.

And you and... [Sniffles, inhales deeply]

But it's okay.

I got a plan. I'm gonna talk to my C.E.O. At the conference.

He's gonna make it right. [Sniffles] I got this.

Okay? It's all under control.

[Continues crying]

That was beautiful. It was.

I just watched a single tear zigzag down your face like a waffle iron, which is really just a frying pan that hasn't been ironed yet. [Chuckles]

You're so high.

Our entire connection, sweetie, is in that tear.

But... [Sighs]

I'm gonna need you to repeat the words you said 'cause I didn't hear 'em.

What?

Like... like...

All of them?

[Sniffles] Like, every one I said?

Babe?

Babe?

Babe?

So... I just wanna double-check...

I'm not getting laid tonight?

Get the [Bleep] out of my room, Barney.

♪♪

[Crunches]

♪♪

I want you guys to know, if you ever have any questions about anything, you can come to your mom and I, right?

We're gonna tell you.

Both: Mm-hmm.

But there's a lot of things we don't know, and you guys deserve to know if you're curious about them.

Mm-hmm.

So with that said...

Did you unlock our phones?

Yeah.

Awesome!

I'm not sure the Internet's the best place to find out, but I trust you guys.

[Touchscreen clicking]

Thanks.

[Clicking continues]

Our kids are the best.

Yeah.

♪♪

[Man and woman moaning]

Man: I'm close! I'm close! Turn over. Turn over.

[Both grunting and groaning]

There is no way that puddle is getting to the egg from her back tattoo.

[Man moans loudly]

Excuse me? Ma'am, excuse me?

Uh, forgot my toothbrush. Do you guys have an extra one?

[Muzak playing]

Oh, you do? Great. Can I, uh, can I get one?

Like... Now?

[Exhales] Oh, my god.

I'm so sorry. It's marijuana.

I can smell.

It's just, I've had a stressful day.

I know. Got a glaucoma problem, and Barney's driving me...

Relax. All right? This actually explains a lot now that I know you were just high.

Oh.

Well, you probably thought I was stupid, huh?

[Laughs]

I know your name, Mr. Parkerjer Jr.

[Both laughing]

[Coughs] You still don't.

You know, Tammy... [Exhales]

Some people just can't handle...

[Puffs] Real dr*gs.

[Coughing]

I am so g*dd*mn high.

New pot is so much higher than old pot.

I should call my mom. You know what I mean?

[Telephone rings, machine beeps]

[Groans]

Nate: Hey, Mom. Hey, it's me. Can you pick up?

I know you're there, please. Mother.

Oh, sh*t.

I've got something very important I want to tell you, okay?

[Machine beeps, lighter clicks]

I had an emotional breakthrough tonight, okay?

I-I can be an emotional wreck, and that's okay, you know?

It... it's not a judgment on my manhood.

[Machine beeps]

You know what? I got fired today.

And I actually told Robin, and she was fine with it.

Granted, she didn't hear most of it.

But I'm gonna tell her again. And you know what?

She's gonna love me even more for it.

[Machine beeps]

I lied to my wife, okay?

I lied to her! Do you know why, Mother?

Because of you.

Every single terrible behavioral trait I have...

[Glasses clink] ... Is because of you.

[Beep]

I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't tell her.

I mean, you always say men are supposed to be the providers. [Exhaling slowly]

You know, like Barney. Guy's a provider.

And I got a plan to get my job back.

So it's not like I ever even had lost it, you know?

So why tell her?

[Beep] You're right. She doesn't need to know.

I-I'm just gonna fix it.

I-I love you, Mom.

[Exhales slowly]

I think this has been our best talk in years.

Bye. I love you.

[Touchscreen clicks]