07x20 - Survey Says...

[bunniefuu]

[crow caws]

[sighs]

[sighing]

[TV playing]

Oh, I need graph paper.

What?

Brick, I was just at Office Depot, getting a Snickers bar.

You're telling me now?

Well, you coming home reminded me I needed you to go out.

Why didn't you tell me earlier?

[volume increases]

Why didn't you come home earlier?

Look, we can argue all night about whose fault it is.

It's your fault.

You think I don't notice you raising the volume?

Yell quieter, and I won't have to.

[sighs] When's it due?

Come on!

Stop with the volume.

All in your hands.

In my defense, I've only known about it for three weeks.

[sighs] Brick, next year, you're gonna be in high school.

You can't keep going through life expecting people to bail you out at the last...

[gasps] Nancy Donahue.

Yes, let's make her get it.

No, no, no.

She gave me her code so we can order stuff and have it delivered overnight for free.

Are you so lazy, you're gonna order one package of paper instead of just going to get it?

You want to go to Office Depot?

He asked you.

[door opens]

Axl: Not a social visit.

Down to no underwear, even with the both-sides trick.

Ugh, gonna vomit.

So, how's spring practice coming?

Who's looking good?

I don't know.

You guys thinking of running the p*stol again this year?

Maybe.

Hey, did you get your physical yet with Dr. Nagel for next season?

It's tomorrow.

So, how you doing? How you playing?

Um... [sighs] fine.

Hey, I've been thinking, and maybe I should quit the team next year.

You know, make time for other stuff?

Do we have the detergent with the rubber ducky on it?

It's the gentlest on my undercarriage.

You can't quit the team. You got your scholarship.

[chuckling] Oh, yeah. No, I know. I'm just tired, I guess.

So, you want me to get you the code for the graph paper?

Oh! Graph paper. Right.

[sighs]

Marry Cindy. I mean it.

Lock that down now.

[sighs] Ow!

Aww, it's one of Sue's tiny Barbie shoes.

Oh, she hasn't played with these since she was little.

Wow. Do you ever vacuum?

Do you?

[cellphone rings]

Hi, Mom.

Frankie: Hi, honey.

I just called you 'cause I miss you so much.

All they talk about around here is football and underwear.

And they smell.

They smell so bad.

Brick thinks he can get away with showering every other day.

He can't.

I'm right here, Mom.

I know exactly where you are. Take the hint.

So, what's up with you?

Well, Lexie's out of town with her godmother.

I always thought that was just a Cinderella thing, but apparently rich people have them, and they take them on safaris.

Anyway, I'm totally free tomorrow.

Do you want to come up for lunch?

I would love to.

Hey, I'm going to Sue's tomorrow, so you're on your own for lunch.

We're always on our own for lunch.

Shush. She's happy.

[cheering on TV]

Frankie: Yep, there was no question about it. I was ready for girl time. Just me and Sue. No smelly boys.

Hey. You must be Frankie.

Uh, yeah.

Oh. Hey, Mom.

This is Jeremy, a guy I've been seeing.

[chuckles]

Oh.

Oh, it's the funniest story how we met.

He was chained to a tree.

It all worked out okay. He saved it.

He had to spend a night in jail, but it was worth it.

Uh-huh.

He's in between protests till Arbor Day, so he's gonna be joining us for lunch.

Great!

So, Brick got his graph paper the very next day. And he cut out the middleman. And the best part was, the middleman was me.

Boy, your mom wasn't kidding when she said we're on our own for lunch.

We got, uh, Tang, three bags of bread heels, and an open packet of onion soup.

[computer dings]

Oh, my gosh!

Apparently... and I hope I'm reading this right...

I have been chosen to rate my recent online purchase of Emerson Wales graph paper.

Me! I've been chosen. This is huge.

What do you want to eat?

Did you not hear what I just said?

Everything's changed. I don't have time for lunch.

[door opens]

What are you doing here?

Got my physical for football.

Aren't you supposed to turn that in to the coach by 2:00?

Cutting it kind of close, aren't ya?

Yeah, no, actually, I'll be fine, 'cause, see, I looked in to it.

Turns out I have some other financial options.

I can get a student loan from the bank.

Also, Little Betty might be able to match my tuition if I take a job there.

What are you talking about?

Quitting football.

What?

Well, it's just, I'm not gonna play pro ball anyway.

It's true.

I have always felt he has more of a dancer's body.

Look, you always get this way in the spring.

As soon as the season starts, you're gonna feel different.

The smell of the leaves, the cr*ck of the pads.

If you didn't do it, you would miss it.

Plus, all the seniors are gonna be graduating.

That'll mean more playing time for you.

No, it won't.

The new freshmen are big and fast.

There's this guy, Taco... He's enormous.

Tacos should fit in your hand and be delicious.

This guy could k*ll me. I can't even eat tacos anymore.

It's part of the reason I'm so hungry.

When you're spending precious time with your daughter, you want to stretch that time and make it last forever. Well, the way to do that was to invite this guy.

And don't kid yourself about the Federal Reserve.

It's privately owned.

It's an artificial construct of three powerful white men.

So, then, that's a no on the mozzarella sticks for the table?

Oh, no, no, no. Jeremy only eats raw food.

He's not getting anything. He's just here for the company.

Oh, well. More for me. [laughs]

So, Jeremy, where are you from?

I don't like to say I'm from a particular place.

I'm against all kinds of tribes.

I think we should all just be citizens of the Earth.

And he's not just saying that because he's from Iowa.

He really means it.

Jeremy only says what he means, and he only means what he says.

He is like Horton the Elephant but with broody eyes.

Don't get me started on that book.

Ugh.

Ooh! Tell her what you were saying about Plastic Island.

There is this island in the middle of the ocean the size of Texas that is filled with all of the plastic items that we throw out... plastic bags, plastic containers, plastic bottles.

Plastic Island sounds great.

You never have to wash anything. Am I right? [laughs]

It's not a joke.

It's not, Mom.

It's so not.

[sighs] Where's our waitress?

If she's smart, she's at the ACLU, fighting for a decent living wage.

Mm!

So, Jeremy, what does your dad do?

He's a corporate pig.

Fantastic.

How many stars should I give this graph paper?

A nine is extremely satisfied, but an eight is very satisfied.

That's a pretty wide gap.

They really should have half grades.

Dad, what's it like to be extremely satisfied?

You're asking the wrong guy, Brick.

Okay, well, have you ever been very satisfied?

I'd be somewhat satisfied if you let me watch my show.

I just don't want to mess up here.

The world is relying on my answers for their graphpaper-buying needs.

"How does this graph paper compare with others?"

That's like asking you to choose your favorite child.

That's not as hard as you'd think.

I need a second opinion here. I'm losing my mind.

How does that feel?

Like paper.

How would you describe the weight of it?

Like paper.

I'm gonna give it a seven for comparability.

Okay.

You're comfortable with seven?

Yeah.

I'm gonna click it.

Please do.

Once I hit this button, that seven's written in stone.

Good.

You're being awfully cavalier.

Brick.

[key clacks]

Damn it.

I knew it. It's a six.

Any idiot could see it's a six.

No, Axl left his medical stuff here.

If he doesn't turn this in on time, he could lose his scholarship.

All right, I'm gonna have to drive it up there.

You're on your own for dinner.

I'm gonna have to have onion-soup mix and bread heels for dinner?

You didn't hear it from me, but there's a half a candy bar stuffed down inside your mom's church shoes.

[sighs]

So, we're all gonna protest outside the science building.

It's just not fair to inject rats with the flu.

Rats have it hard enough.

And putting makeup on rabbits?

Not okay.

I mean, it was kind of funny when Bugs Bunny did it to look like a lady rabbit, but now that just seems like they were mocking transgender bunnies.

Mom, are you even listening to me?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, how about we catch a movie or something?

Pbht! Why?

So we can see how few black people there are in films?

Okay, we'll put a pin in that.

Oh, ooh!

You're gonna love this.

I found this yesterday.

Actually, I stepped on it.

Mm. [chuckles]

Aah.

Ugh, the shoe of unrealistic expectations.

If you took that Barbie's measurements and put them on a real woman, she would fall over.

She literally wouldn't be able to stand up straight.

Did you just roll your eyes at me?

Sue, whatever.

You did it again.

Look, you seem to think you're the only one who cares about anything.

Oy. Mom, you just don't get it.

Your idea of caring about something is burning your bra.

How old do you think I am?

That was Grandma's generation.

And she didn't burn her bra.

She just switched to light support for a while.

Look, I used to be your age.

I understand righteous indignation, but eventually you get to be my age, and you realize you can't fix everything.

And sometimes you just got to kick back, relax, and enjoy a movie with too many white people in it.

I am outraged that you think my outrage is just a phase.

Okay, you know what? I am done.

I have put up with this all afternoon, and I want my Sue back... happy Sue, sweet Sue.

Well, sweet Sue can't save the arctic foxes, but angry Sue can, and they are first on mine and Jeremy's list, partly because that's where they come alphabetically but also because they need us.

You know, you don't have to think things just 'cause your new boyfriend does.

[exhales sharply] Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think I think things because a man thinks them?

I think the things I think and then I choose a man whose thinking I think is admirable.

Jeremy is smart.

Jeremy is deep.

Oh, Jeremy's a knob.

[gasps] That is the man I like.

Oh, please.

Look, I know it's exciting to care about things when you're young, but trust me, one day, you're gonna be me.

Yeah, I'm your Ghost of Christmas Future.

Or do you hate Christmas now, too?

Oh, I love Christmas, but I hate the merchandising of it.

Oh, that's original.

And I will never be like you.

Jeremy and I are gonna change the world.

If Jeremy wants to change the world, he should start by being less of a douche.

Oh, you just want me to be with some boring, un-deep Ken doll.

Well, guess what.

I will not be Barbie, barefoot and pregnant in her Malibu prison.

It wasn't a prison.

It was a dream house. It's in the name.

And the only reason she was barefoot is 'cause you couldn't keep her damn shoes on.

Ugh!

I gave this graph paper nine stars for quality?

Oh, no.

The whole world is gonna see that review.

I'm gonna be a laughingstock.

How am I supposed to fix this?

Should I rewrite the whole review?

Aw, but that's so much work.

They said it was only gonna take 15 minutes.

It took over three hours.

[groans]

[Doris chomping]

I'm going back in.

Axl!

Oh, God.

You left the medical forms at home.

They were due an hour ago.

Is this gonna be a problem now?

I don't know.

What?

Do you think you should check with the coach?

I don't know.

What are you doing? [stammers]

You're acting like you don't want to play football.

I don't want to play football.

What? Where's this coming from?

Oh, my God. I've been trying to tell you.

You know, it doesn't take Freud to realize I've been crying out for help.

Why else would I keep coming home for no reason?

Why else would I forget the forms?

I'm acting totally irresponsible and immature.

I'm not myself at all.

Are you kidding me?

What is so hard about playing football?

Is it the cheerleaders hanging all over ya?

All the special attention?

Or is it the fact that it pays for your college?

I have one year left at school.

I don't want to waste it on something that's not going anywhere.

I want to focus more on my classes or maybe get an internship or just have fun.

I want to hang out with my friends.

Oh, okay, then why don't you go for the "hang out with my friends" scholarship?

I happen to know there is no such scholarship.

Your sarcasm is very hurtful.

I'm quitting, and we're done talking about it.

We're done when I say I'm done.

Stranger danger! This is not my dad.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with you?!

Get back out here! Axl!

Don't you drive this house away from me!

[indistinct conversations]

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

[sighs] I'm so glad you texted me. I can really use this.

I feel like I just went five rounds with Abbie Hoffman.

Abbie was a girl in that, right?

What are you talking about?

[scoffs] Sue's an activist now.

She hates plastic, and she's mad at me 'cause I rolled my eyes when she said Barbie's boobs were too big.

I'll have a beer.

That'll be 10 cents.

It's dime-beer hour.

Then, I'll take 10.

[sighs]

Axl's quitting football.

What? No, he can't. He's got a scholarship.

He said he's looking into other ways to pay for college.

[sighs]

I tried to talk to him. He won't listen.

Well, they never listen anymore.

I mean, Sue's nuts.

So I rolled my eyes... big deal.

If I got mad every time they rolled their eyes...

"Put the toilet seat down." "Ugh."

"Make your bed." [groans]

"I love you." [groans]

I just don't get it.

So it's harder than it was when he was in high school.

So what?

How can he not love breaking through the line, outrunning the safety, the fans screaming?

Sounds like somebody else wants to play football.

You do roll your eyes a lot.

Shut up.

He drove away from me.

Actually turned on the ignition and drove off.

You know what? Forget them. We don't need them.

We got each other.

We got 10-cent beer and a purse full of change.

So, Brick set out to update his review of the Emerson Wales graph paper...

[computer whooshes]

...repeatedly. He reviewed the density. [computer whooshes]

He reviewed the line-to-space ratio.

[computer whooshes]

He reviewed the taste.

[computer whooshes]

The trouble was, as soon as he fixed one problem, he discovered another one and had to start all over again. After 23 updates, he'd had enough.

Hello. This is Carol with customer service.

How can I help you?

Hi, Carol.

I'm one of your reviewers, and, sadly, I need to step down from my post.

Um... I'm sorry?

Everything was fine until I noticed that when I held the paper between my thumb and my index finger of both hands and I pulled in opposite directions, the paper would come apart.

You mean... it ripped?

Yes!

[sighs]

I was speechless, too.

Anyway, it was truly an honor to be chosen, and it's with a heavy heart that I must tender my resignation.

Do you need it in writing?

Uh, no. This is fine.

Um, is there anything else I can help you with today?

Not unless you can get the last 12 hours of my life back.

I'm kidding, Carol. I know it's not your fault.

[clears throat]

[telephone beeps]

Nancy: Knock, knock!

Hello?

[sighs] Hi, Brick.

Your folks called.

They had a bit to drink in a bar.

Totally okay. Lots of grown-ups do that.

Well, I don't, but others do.

So they're gonna stay in Gumford, and you're gonna sleep at my house tonight.

I'm not telling you this 'cause I'm judging them.

I'm telling you because it's a teachable moment.

Hm.

As long as you have food, I really don't care.

Oh.

Mike: Ooh, ooh.

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

[both chuckle]

You think Axl'll be mad that we're crashing here?

Axl'll. Axl'll.

[chuckling] That's hard to say.

We'll sleep where I say we sleep.

I'm the father.

[grunts]

This is little.

Yeah.

I can hit the toilet bowl from here.

Whoo! Do it! Do it! Do it!

Looks like somebody already did.

Mm. [sniffles]

Dopey Sue.

She thinks she's the first person that cares about anything.

I cared. I watched "Comic Relief."

You know what they are?

Mm?

They're ingrates.

I would never talk to my dad the way he talked to me.

We wiped their butts.

Yeah, I wiped Axl's butt until he was 6.

He couldn't get it at all.

[belches] I'm gonna brush my teeth.

Okay, baby.

Aw, I didn't bring my toothbrush.

Oh.

Well, just take some of Axl's toothpaste and do the finger trick.

It's not really a trick.

You should've met this guy Jeremy.

You would've wanted to slug his dumb face.

He doesn't eat mozzarella sticks because he says its inhumane to take milk from cows.

But he's wrong.

It's inhumane to not take milk, because then it builds up, and it hurts.

I think I know a little more about it than him.

[crying] I miss breastfeeding.

[laughing] Breast.

They should make travel toothbrushes.

There's a million-dollar idea.

[grunts]

I used to worry about how clingy she was.

She would never let me leave the room when I used to say good night to her.

I would say, "I love you," and she'd say, "I love you to the moon and back," and I'd say, "Ditto," and she'd say, "I love you to the moon and back and back to the moon," and I'd say, "Back at ya," and she'd say, "I love you to the moon and back and back to the moon," and now she's not even coming home for summer.

[crying] She's going to Dollywood.

It's just such a big part of who he is, you know?

I mean, when he was a kid, he was so fast.

He m... He moved so fast, like a... fast thing, and I thought, "This kid might actually be able to do this."

What? Professionally?

Mm.

Like in the NF football league?

For a couple of years.

Then, obviously, he would open a steakhouse.

Pbht!

You were right.

No, duh. I always am.

Not just that it was a big part of him.

It was a big part of me.

I was a guy whose kid played football, and now I'm not.

It's not fair.

They just decide they can q-quit football, go to Dollywood.

They think they can do what they want.

Well, they can.

You know when I was happiest?

I mean really happy?

When I was driving everybody.

When they were small, and I'd be driving.

Didn't matter where.

It was just me at the wheel and you next to me and those three idiots in the back.

And I knew everything was okay, 'cause I was driving.

And I had it.

I had everybody.

[sighs]

Morning, sleepyheads.

You guys want some salami and eggs?

We're gonna take a hard pass on that.

Thanks for the hospitality.

We're just gonna get out of here and head back to the house.

Well, you know, always told you guys, you drink too much, just give me a call, and I'll drive you home.

Aw, thank God. I'm starving.

I think I have a candy bar in my church shoes.

[grunts]

Thanks for driving us back.

Beauty of living in a car.

Mm-hmm.

Look, you're 22 years old.

If you want to quit football and think you can swing it, that's your decision.

Yeah, I can't swing it.

[sighs]

You were right. I'm a moron.

I did the math, and if I don't take that scholarship, I'll be paying off loans for the next 10 years.

Might be more, 'cause I don't really trust my math.

Well, you came to it on your own, and that says a lot.

Hey, if I got anything from watching you, it's that life is not fun, and it's pretty much a relentless string of disappointments.

Sounds like I taught you well.

[door opens]

I'm just here to do laundry.

Okay.

[sighs]

I'm sorry we fought, but you have to understand that I care very deeply about things.

I care about women's rights and I care about poverty and I care about highfructose corn syrup.

[voice breaking] And there are so many things to care about that I don't know if I can care about them all.

And sometimes, I don't even know which way to care.

I mean, some people say that the sonar the m*llitary sends out messes up dolphins and whales, but then other people say that the sonar protects our borders.

I love whales and borders.

Aw, honey.

And then I don't even know why I bother caring at all.

I'm just gonna end up like you anyway.

No offense.

Sue, you will always care just the right amount because that's you.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Yep, as a parent, sometimes you have 2-star days, sometimes you have 10-star days.

Drive safe.

But when the last one leaves the nest, you hope your customers are vaguely satisfied and that they'll come again and bring grandchildren.

[computer dings]

Man: You've got mail.

[key clacks]

"We see you had a recent call with Carol, our customer service representative. Please take a moment to rate your experience."

Hmm.