01x21 - Korean Men's Club

[bunniefuu]

Okay, trust circle.

Who fantasized about being stuck up on Mars with Matt Damon?

[Laughter]

I just fantasized about being alone for that long.

Two months solo on Mars?

Aw, it'd be so quiet.

Ah-ooh!

Yeah, book-club ladies in the house.

[Chuckles]

Ooh, what do we got our noses in?

Zoink. [Laughs]

We're discussing "The Martian."

Ah, kind of saving that for a beach read.

You guys mind if we gab about something else?

Just reread "Superfudge" with Dave, so that's still fresh in the noggs.

Isn't there anything else you could be doing?

Ugh, this one thinks I need a hobby so I don't feel the need to come in here and hijack her book club or her Pilates class or her showers.

You know, Ken, if you're looking for something to do, my husband runs He's in.

Is it happening now? Can it be now?

Whoa, whoa, Alison, let her finish.

I know Gary.

Smart money says it's lame. So what is it?

It's actually a professional Korean men's group.

They do civic projects and community building.

He finds it really rewarding.

[Groans]

Sorry, Jill.

Sort of nodded off after "civic projects."

Needless to say, the answer is uh-no.

[Chuckles]

Well, if you change your mind...

I won't.

[Chuckles]

Ken, I'm begging you. Go.

Mm, you don't have to ask me twice.

I did have to ask you twice.

Ah, all right, I get it.

[Chuckles]

I'm gonna go upstairs and plow a "Castle" marathon.

Ooh. XOXO.

Sincerely, Ken.

And now you know why I want to go to Mars.

Hey, guys?

Guys, I just walked past Pat's office, and, well, have you seen Pat's office in a while?

I try to avoid Pat's office because it often contains Pat.

No offense. I know you and Pat boned a bunch of times.

Okay.

But I think you might want to take a look.

Is he... living here?

Yes, he is.

Why?

My divorce was finalized over the weekend, and Tiffany got everything.

She got the house, my boat, and half of will to live.

But I've got the other half, and I am holding strong.

Pat, are you okay?

Ah, never better.

Yeah, I've slashed my commute time to 10 seconds, and I no longer have to look at the parade of men going in and out of my ex-wife's house.

I mean, I still can if I want to, but now it's my choice.

Here you guys are.

Wow, living in your office, huh?

Rough.

Well, it's...

So, check this out, guys.

I get home last night no offense, Pat... and Allison starts in again about how I don't have any hobbies.

Ah, you got to have hobbies.

If I didn't have my kickboxing class as an outlet, the watercolors I do in my painting class would be really dark.

Wait, Do all you guys have hobbies?

I'm a magician's assistant.

So, what, does he, like, cut you in half?

Oh, no, no.

It's mostly coffee runs, administrative stuff.

What about you?

Well, I'm in the Big Brother program.

Every other weekend, a guy named Milton takes me to the movies.

Well, twice a week, I play a little street basketball in Compton.

Yeah, the fellas there call me Paste.

I think it's 'cause I really stick to my man on defense.

Mm, yeah, that's probably why.

I don't know. Maybe Allison's right.

This men's club thing might be worth trying.

You know, meet some new people, get out of her hair.

Well, I know that's why Tayshaun and Li'l Cookie play ball every Thursday.

To hear them tell it, their shorties constantly be tripping.

Dave, I need your help.

Are you busy?

Physically? No. Mentally? Very.

Okay, I'm good. What's up?

I have this new lab partner, Simon, who's one of those super-cute nerdy guys.

I kind of like him, but I don't know what to say to him.

He's into, like, comic books.

Graphic novels? Continue.

And, like, those Chinese cartoon movies.

Japanese anime? Continue.

See? You speak dork.

Fluently.

Maybe you can help me with some talking points.

So I'll be the Jedi, and you'll be my Padawan.

Huh?

Oh, boy.

I'd better put on some coffee.

[Conversing in Korean]

Excuse me, is this the Korean Men's Club thing?

I mean, all signs point to yes.

Ah, hey, Ken.

Hey, Gary.

My wife told me you were coming.

[As Borat] My wife. She good.

[Laughs]

[Normal voice] Come on. Borat?

No, w-we... we get it. That's very funny.

[Laughs]

Hey, have a seat.

Hwan was just talking about a very exciting plan to get the city to put in some speed bumps.

Yeah, we're trying to commission a traffic study in Koreatown.

Oh, well, I heard "Koreans" and "study," so I guess that lines up.

[Laughs]

Oh, that's funny because Koreans are traditionally studious.

Anyway, the city says they'll listen to our proposal if we get 1,000 signatures on our petition.

1,000 signatures?

Yeah, that sounds like a lot of work, which isn't my jam.

I mean, with all due respect, this... this is little too ethnic for me.

[Laughs]

I'm more of a bandwagon Korean.

I mean, don't get me wrong, like, if there's a plate of Galbi in the middle of the table, I'm all over it.

But I don't see any, so peace out.

Ken, you're not going anywhere.

Welcome to the Korean Men's Club, baby. [Laughs]

[Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg's "Nuthin' But a 'G' Thang" plays]

♪ One, two, three, and to the four ♪
♪ Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the door ♪

Da-a-a-a-a-a-a-mn.

Da-a-a-mn indeed.

[Both laugh]

Hey, man, we haven't done community service since, what, ever?

[Both laugh]

No, this club is for us to just chill, you know, blow off a little steam with the guys.

I hear ya. I got more steam than a Koreatown day spa.

[Laughs] Oh.

At least, I assume. I've never been.

I'm more of a Burke Williams guys.

Why the charade?

My wife wouldn't mind me hanging out with the boys.

What are you, best friends with your wife or something?

Oh, uh, no, I...

No, no, no. It's cool.

We don't judge you.

I do.

But, you know, not all of us roll that way maritally.

Which is why the only actual rule here is we do not tell our wives.

Yo, we can't risk this coming out, bro.

It'll destroy everything we stand for.

Know what I mean?

So, what do you say, Ken?

Can you commit to an organization fully dedicated to doing absolutely nothing?

In a word, Gary... hyaw! [Laughter]

g*n bae!

Cheers!

Oh, Cheers.

[Laughter]

Okay, if Simon likes graphic novels, the most popular one this year is "Super Mutant Magic Academy."

It's like "X-Men" meets Hogwarts.

Got it.

Question... what's an X-Man, and who's Hogwart?

Hey, it's not my fault.

I'm just too popular to notice stuff.

[Humming "Nuthin' But a 'G' Thang"]

So, how was last night?

Oh, it was good.

I mean, what I remember of it.

I mean, 'cause we covered a lot of stuff.

Like what? What do they do?

Speed bumps, betterment, progress, anti-negativity...

So I guess positivity.

Bottom line is we're doing a lot of stuff for a lot of people.

Look at your dad, getting involved in the community.

I don't know why you're doing all this.

You already got into college.

So when's the next meeting?

Sunday.

Oh, no.

We're supposed to go to Barb Rutledge's three-weeks-sober barbecue.

She's calling it a sobercue.

I think she was drunk when she named it.

Ah, you know, I guess I could ditch the men's club.

I mean, we were supposed to write letters to orphans in Korea.

But nah.

So one orphan doesn't get a letter.

They're used to disappointment.

No.

I'll go to Barb's thing alone.

It's more important you go to your meeting.

What? Ah, no, babe.

I couldn't le... okay.

By the way, I really like seeing this selfless side of you.

It's very attractive.

How attractive.

Tomorrow's Thursday.

Let's just stick to the schedule.

[Sighs]

[Photo copier whirring]

What?

You never seen a man press his shirts in a photo copier before?

Are you okay, Paste?

No, I'm not okay.

I'm a grown man living in his office.

But I thought you were enjoying living here.

I was just putting on airs.

You know how I'm always airs-putting.

You know, last night, as I lay underneath a lead x-ray blanket, I... I turned to Annie, and I said, "This is the loneliest I've ever been."

Annie?

Yeah, the CPR dummy I spoon with.

Okay, that is all kinds of wrong.

Um, listen, Pat, you got to move out of that office.

Ah, where would I go?

Some random apartment building filled with strangers that will be a constant reminder of how empty my life is?

And what if the Wi-Fi is spotty?

I don't think you realize how much I need the Internet right now.

Okay, Pat, um... you can crash on my couch until you find a place.

Well, thank you, Damona, but I don't need your pity.

Unless, does your pity come with sex?

Nope.

Then I don't need your pity.

Oh!

Hey, Clark, didn't you say that there's a unit open next to your apartment?

Hmm?

No.

No, you're thinking of someone else.

Oh, no, no, no.

Remember, we double daydreamed about being neighbors?

That wasn't me.

Look.

We took a selfie in the empty living room.

Look.

Let me see that. Mm.

Hey, this place looks terrific.

What's the parking like?

Terrible.

I-i-it's street parking only, and a family of limousine drivers lives across the street.

Oh.

But what about that gated lot, like, right underneath the building?

Stop it!

Thanks for the 411.

You know what? I'm gonna check this out.

Oh, okay.

[Cellphone rings]

Um, that's my...

Hello?

No, this is Pat.

Well, you'll have to call her back.

What are you doing?

What? He seemed so desperate.

Yeah, but the city is full of places he could live, including your building.

Ugh, I would not want that living next to me.

That would be terri... ohhh.

Yeah, "Ohhh."

Damn it!

Dave, I had lab with Simon today.

Talk to me, girl.

We were doing an experiment, and I said it reminded me of when the guy made the invisibility potion in "Super Mutant Magic Academy."

Close enough.

But then Simon started comparing it to "Harry Potter," and I got super lost, so I panicked and faked a family emergency.

By the way, if anyone asks, you're in a coma.

Am I gonna pull through?

No promises.

Okay, it seems we have to review "Harry Potter."

Now, Hogwarts is divided into four houses...

Gryffindor...

Wait, is that Dad dancing on a pool table pretending pool balls are his breasts?

What?

I was uploading some pictures for Molly to the family Photo Stream, and some of Dad's popped up.

Give me that.

[Laughing] Is that the Korean Men's Club?

Yeah.

This is their last meeting.

Man, doing good deeds sure makes Dad's face red.

[As Borat] My wife. She good.

[Normal voice] You remember Borat, right?

Of course.

[As Borat] Very nice.

Okay, that would be funny, but I just did it.

[Normal voice] I got a surprise for you.

I've been so proud of the work you're doing with your group that I called The Korea Times, and they're gonna run a story about you guys.

What?

Isn't that exciting?

[Squeals]

Yeah, I don't think so.

Uh... it's... we're not about the awards or accolades.

The true award is how we feel inside, privately, to ourselves.

Pshaw!

Stop being so modest.

They're coming to your next meeting to learn all about what you guys do.

[Squealing]

Look at you.

You're the new guy, and you're already them some press.

They're gonna be so excited.

Yeah, they're gonna have a big reaction.

That's for dang sure.

[Laughs]

How could you let this happen, Ken?

It'll take a reporter one minute to figure out that we're complete frauds.

What's wrong with you, man?

I'm sorry, you guys.

I didn't realize my wife would be proud of me.

The thought never entered my mind.

Now everyone's gonna know.

Dude, my wife's gonna kick my ass.

And we're supposed to have sex on Tuesday.

What, you have to schedule your sex?

Lame. [Laughs]

I have it every Thursday I want.

What are we gonna do?

Okay, guys, let's not panic.

Maybe we can think of some good deed to do while the reporter interviews us.

Ken, all the projects we're not really doing are huge undertakings... building a school, changing laws.

Bringing a WNBA team to Koreatown.

Hwan, we already voted.

We're not not doing that.

Well, maybe we can do something smaller like go to that homeless shelter on Third and dish out soup.

That place closed down. Remember?

We fake tried to save it.

Now it's all boarded up and covered in graffiti.

Well, so, we'll paint over the graffiti and call it neighborhood revitalization.

That's actually not bad.

All we'd need is a couple cans of paint.

Then it's settled.

Great. Can we start drinking now?

We just wasted 15 minutes on that important crap.

["Nuthin' But a 'G' Thang" plays]

Man, you guys really like this song, huh?

Well, it's dope.

Clark, your building is to die for.

Oh, you liked it? Yay.

I got to tell you, after living alone for so long, it's gonna be nice to have a building buddy.

Hey, do you like getting up at 3:00 A.M. to watch soccer?

No.

Well, you'll get used to it.

Patrick.

Actually, it's Patrice.

Patrice, um, I value you as a colleague, and I think your name is surprisingly beautiful.

But I also really value my privacy, and I would prefer it if you didn't live in my building.

Well, Clark...

I totally respect what you're saying.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, God. I'm so relieved.

[Both chuckle]

Well, me, too.

Aw, you have no idea how great it's gonna be to know I've got an honest straight-sh**t living right next door.

Well, see you in the hot tub.

Oh, and fair warning... I'm a bubbles-off guy.

That's right no mysteries.

This blows.

When's this stupid reporter supposed to show up?

Allison said it could be anytime between 1:00 and 6:00.

Well, it better be soon.

If not, we might have to paint this whole wall.

You know what, I got to say, I actually feel pretty good about what we're doing.

Yep, this part of Koreatown is gonna be a little whiter and a lot better.

And I did not mean for that to sound as horrible as it did.

Excuse me, gentlemen, what are you doing?

Beautifying the neighborhood.

Ken Park... Korean Men's Club... paying it forward.

Actually, you're defacing a mural that was commissioned as part of this neighborhood's revitalization effort.

Gary, I thought you called the city to clear this.

Well, they never called back.

I don't have time to wait around all day.

I have a bagel store to run.

Sorry, guys, I got to cite you for defacing public property.

Really?

What are we looking at?

It's going to either be three hours of community service or a $5,000 fine.

We'll take the fine.

Dave, you squeezable genius!

[Grunts]

What happened?

I completely owned a conversation with Simon, and now we're going to the mall, which, as you know, is where I really shine.

All right, he might take you into Gamer's Paradise.

Here's what you need to know.

No need.

Now that I've got him nerd-hooked, it's time to start my own process.

I'm gonna change Simon into exactly the type of boy I want.

Wait, so this was all just a game?

You were just using me to trap this poor sap into thinking you're something you're not?

I'm sorry. I thought that was clear.

That's the way relationships work, Dave.

You pretend you're someone you're not until they fall for you, and then it's too late.

Wow.

I guess I'm the one who got the education.

Yeah, whatever.

See you later, Padawan.

I'm the Jedi!

So, how was your painting thing?

It freaking blew, Allison.

We painted over a landmark, and the police made us pay a fine.

[Chuckling] The police showed up?

Yeah, but you know who didn't show up?

That reporter you called.

Aw, that's too bad.

[Laughs]

Y-yeah, I don't know why this is so funny to you.

Because there is no reporter, dum-dum.

I made it up.

What? Why would you do that?

Because you lied to me.

That's right.

I know all about your fake group.

Well, in my defense, I was supposed to do a better job at keeping it from you.

Do you even know what "in my defense" means?

Full disclosure... I'm not super clear on it, but how'd you find out?

Because all the pictures on your phone go to the family Photo Stream.

By the way, what's your obsession with the squirrel outside your office?

Hey, I've watched him grow up.

Look, I don't care if you go drinking with those idiots.

I care that you lied to me about it.

But all the guys lie to their wives. They made me promise.

[Chortles] What, did you spit on your hands and shake on it?

No.

Again, all your pictures go to the Photo Stream.

Damn it!

Hey, you're the one who wanted me to get a hobby.

Yes, I was just trying to get you to have more stuff in your life.

I don't really need more stuff.

You know, I got my job, my sweet khakis... and I got you.

And two kids.

And two kids.

Even still, it's healthy for both of us to have other outlets.

Yeah, I know. [Sighs]

Well, thanks to you, I did make some new buds, and we're all going paintballing Saturday.

There you go. [Chuckles]

Oh, wait. This Saturday? No.

We're going to Barb Rutledge's one-week-sober bowling party.

I thought she was three weeks sober.

I didn't tell you what happened at the barbecue.

[Imitates gulping]

Yeah.

Thank you so much again for having me over.

Ah, I just wanted to apologize for telling Pat about the apartment in your building.

It was stupid and thoughtless of me.

No, I wouldn't say that.

I mean, you were... you were trying to be nice, and you didn't think it all the way through.

Hola, amiga.

Oh, sorry. Dos amigas.

I brought margaritas.

What are you doing here?

I'm your new neighbor.

Yeah, and it's Cinco de Mayo somewhere, right?

No, it's not.

You're living here?

Yeah, Clark tipped me off to the unit that was available down the hall.

And you were right, Clark.

This is much nicer than your building.

Mm-hmm.

And it's much closer to the dog groomers where I get my nails and goatee trimmed.

Now, let's talk laundry.

I have a half load of whites.

Do you mind if I throw them in with yours?

They are ripe.