01x03 - The t*nk

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so it's day two and your sister-in-law was cat-sitting your 23-year-old diabetic short-haired tabby named Noonie.

So you stayed the night in a hotel, and that's when you finally told your wife that you got fired.

But she was too high to remember it?

Is that why I'm here? Weed gummies?

You were smuggling a product that you stole from your former company, and you left it in the trunk of your minivan with this mechanic.

Okay, I didn't just leave it there.

I hid it very well, thank you.

Where?

In those little side panels in the trunk?

That's where everyone hides stuff.

You're a real dummy, aren't you, Mr. Parker?

Did you need me to answer that?

♪

Hey, boss. Just stepping out for a bit.

Okay. 10, 15 minutes tops.

Yep, that's fine.

Yeah, just gonna go to lunch.

I know it's early, but, uh, I skipped breakfast and I am as hungry as a...

[Inhales deeply] Lion.

A lion?

No. I'm not lying. It's all true.

That Shawarma place I'm going to down the road, I got a reservation, everything. You can call them.

I'll... I'll definitely be there.

I just want to keep you looped in.

You know, synergy, 'cause I'm...

Going for a walk... Alone.

So no lunch?

No. Unless... No.

Okay. Yeah.

[Motor whirring]

[Whirring stops]

Hey!

Are you Nate Parker?

Yes! Yeah, come here.

What?!

Shh. I can't hear you over the scooter.

Just stop... stop yelling.

Are you Nate Parker?

Yes. Come on.

One second. Just give me a second.

So you said you got a story for me?

Yeah. It's all right here.

What's this?

This, my friend, is your Pulitzer.

My what? [Scoffs]

I work for a good company that's just doing a bad thing, and I need you to shine a light on that.

Okay. That's cool, man.

Just... you wanna write that up, e-mail it to me?

N-no, that's your job.

You're... you're the journalist. I'm just the source, okay?

The story's all here.

You just gotta frame it and print it.

But we're online only.

There's no "print." [Blows raspberry]

Excuse me. Can I park there?

Uh, no, we're... we're saving this spot.

You can't save spots.

Yes, we can. Okay? And there's plenty of other spots.

There's one right there. Don't look at me like that.

Look over there.

[Singsongy] Thank you.

[Engine revs, tires squeal]

Listen, dude, this all seems like a lot of work, okay?

I usually just reblog stuff from the ap.

What ap?

[Chuckles] Bro, you're so old.

It's, like, this thing that they have now that just, like, blasts out all the news from everywhere.

You're talking about the A.P.? The Associated Press?

Yeah, it's like "Rooters." It's dope.

You mean Reuters?

No, Rooters.

No, Reuters.

Oh, is that how you say it?

Yes. - I'm such a dumb-ass.

Listen, I have risked everything to bring this to you.

And trust me, you were not my first choice.

Oh, why would I be?

Do you want to be a dumb-ass for the rest of your life and reblog sh*t other people wrote, or do you want to be a real journalist?

Okay, and break stories and potentially save millions of lives in the process?

He wasn't leaving that spot. He was adjusting his park job.

He was all crooked.

Then go park on the roof.

I can't. My leather seats get too hot, and I'm wearing shorts.

Okay. So what's the product?

This is... [Horn blares]

It's... [mouths words]

[Horn blares]

It's...

[Horn blares]

Oh, my gosh. Shut up!

Whoa. I trust you. I trust you.

[Horn blaring]

Man: ♪ somewhere behind the mountains ♪
♪ There is a place I figured out... ♪

[music warps, rewinds]

[Whirring sound]

♪

Jared: I'm so thirsty.

Robin: You just finished my entire bottle of water.

Nate: Hey, can you get the bags for me?

Delilah: I could use a drink, too.

Oh, my god. You are the most overhydrated generation.

Where is this guy?

Can I have some of your juice?

Nope. Mommy's juice.

It's alcohol.

Mnh-mnh.

No, it's a mimosa.

Delilah: Doesn't that have alcohol?

Shh.

Can I try some?

No. It's not for kids.

Just give him a sip.

What?

What? You drank when you were his age.

No, I was way older.

No, you were way... 12.

What if he likes it?

What do you think of carrots?

Too spicy.

He's not gonna like it.

All right.

Here.

You're welcome.

[Whispering] No.

No.

No.

[Door opens]

Oh, door's open.

Let's go. Too late. Lost your chance.

Go, go, go. Go, go, go. Go, go.

What? What?

Davey?

Davey?

Davey!

Dave?

There he is.

Oh, yeah.

[Clears throat] Davey?

Hey, Davey? Hey, it's Nate Parker.

Uh, I'm here to pick up the car you're sleeping in.

Is he dead?

Davey?

[Door squeaks]

Oh, my god. Oh, it smells like it.

Give him a poke.

Davey? Dave?

[Snores]

He's... he's alive.

Dave? Davey? Davey?

Davey? Davey! Davey!

Davey! Davey! Davey! Davey! Davey!

Nate. Nate. Nate. Nate!

Please stop yelling! It's like a jackhammer in here.

Oh, I'm sorry, Potsie.

Do you have a better idea how to wake him up?

[Metal clanging loudly]

Stop it!

[Clanging stops]

What's wrong with him? He's drunk.

Oh, no, he's not drunk. He drank some poison water.

That's probably alcohol, but yes, technically, it is poison.

Probably tastes awful!

It does.

Well, you gotta train yourself to like it.

Yeah, and if you do, you end up like that guy.

No. That's not what happens when you drink.

What are you doing? I had them scared straight.

Why would you walk that back in?

Because it's not true.

Most people just drink to have fun and socialize.

I socialize.

I always have fun.

Wait. If I drink, I have more fun?!

No. You're kids. You don't drink.

So why do you drink?

I don't.

You're drinking right now.

I'm bringing myself back up to zero.

Okay, listen, people drink for a multitude of different reasons. [Sighs deeply]

Sometimes you have a hard day at work...

Mm-hmm.

And you need to unwind.

She doesn't work.

Excuse me. What do you call raising the two of you?

We go to school all day.

Do you drink while we're in school?

No. If you were in school all the time, I wouldn't need to drink.

Did you say you "need" to drink?

I... no. I'm saying that sometimes, for instance, after conversations like this, I just need to loosen up a bit.

I thought that's why you do yoga.

Okay, what I'm saying is, don't do what I do or you're gonna end up like that guy.

[Wheezes]

[Gasps loudly]

Oh, my god.

Oh, jeez. Somebody help me.

I got it.

[Strained voice] Oh, my god. You're so dense.

[Groaning]

Oh,my god.

I don't know what to do. Oh, my god!

Aah! Oh, sh*t!

[Gurgling]

Nate: $108. I don't see how that adds up.

Ahh.

$80 for this?

Sorry, folks.

That's what happens when you don't drink enough water.

Kids, you gotta stay hydrated.

Great. So, uh, we're good to go?

Oh, yeah. She's as good as new.

You sure about that?

[Rattling]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. What?

No, you gotta give it one of these.

Ahh. Jesus.

Simple enough.

There you go. Ooh.

[Inhales deeply] That's your solution, huh?

Give it a Fonzie?

A what?

A Fonzie. The... the Fonz. You just did it.

[As Henry Winkler's Fonzie] Eyyy.

I never said, "Eyyy," but I did upgrade your side door.

[Grunts]

[Door squeaking and grinding loudly]

[Sniffs]

[Metal scraping]

Eyyy.

Wow. That is...

[Knocks on door]

Bang-up job.

Hey, what is this?

Oh, yeah. About that.

I ran the V.I.N., and a D.U.I. popped up.

So I had to glue one of those bad boys on your starter.

That's probably a mistake.

No, that is a mistake. Run it again.

Yeah, I ran it a few times on account of you folks don't seem like the type, but V.I.N. don't lie.

Well, clearly it does, because we don't drink and drive.

Yeah, everyone says that.

No, I know that, but we really don't drink and drive, so...

Yeah, everybody says that, too.

Nate, let's just go.

No, no, no.

Take it off.

I can't.

[Tab pops]

We're a zero tolerance county.

[Gulping]

[Blows air]

This is broken.

It's not working. [Exhales]

You gotta hum into it.

[Hums]

It's so alcoholics like you can't cheat the system.

[Humming]

Listen to me, I have never, ever operated a vehicle under the influence.

Yeah, well, you'll certainly never do it again, will ya?

[Continues humming]

[Breathalyzer beeping]

Automated female voice: Fail. Fail. Fail.

♪

[sniffing]

Are you guys alcoholics?

No. That was a computer glitch.

So why didn't you tell that guy to take this thing off?

I did. Why don't you ask your mother why she insisted we keep it?

Because the guy wasn't listening.

It would've taken too long.

And we wanna get to the beach, right?

Why is it so hot in here? Is this not on?

[expl*si*n]

Aah! Oh!

[Tires squeal]

That man's drunk.

[Loud crash]

[Tires squealing]

[Coughs] Give me a drink!

Here. Here.

[Coughs]

Aah! Aah!

Why would you give me alcohol?!

You seem tense!

[Coughing] Ooh.

[Breathalyzer beeping]

Why is that beeping now?

It says it's a random running retest.

I already blew in it! [Humming]

Automated female voice: Fail. Fail. Fail. You failed 'cause you're drunk.

It says here some models may honk repeatedly.

[Horn honking]

Aah!

Davey!

[Beeping and honking continue]

Somebody look up how to cheat this thing.

[Touchscreens clicking]

Oh, oh, oh!

Pennies! Pennies! Pennies work.

No, no, no. That's an urban legend.

No, no, no, copper neutralizes the alcohol.

That's so gross... it's so gross.

[Muffled voice] Do you have a better idea?!

[Humming]

Ooh! Do we have a 12-volt mattress inflater?

I don't know. Do we? Do we? Look in the back! No! No!

[Humming]

Oh, here's a way to b*at a breathalyzer.

What?! What is it?!

Don't drink.

Fail. Fail.

Give me that thing.

[Humming]

You know, you could've helped, you know.

I'm... I'm more drunk than anyone else...

I know that! That's the problem!

[Continues humming]

[Siren wailing]

♪

[siren continues wailing]

Oh, sh*t. [Continues humming]

[Spitting]

Mnh.

[Spits]

[Knob clicks, expl*si*n]

[Coughing]

Hmm. I just used one of these, and now I can't remember.

I'm pretty sure this one's the freshie.

Wait, you're pretty sure?

Mostly sure.

Yeah, you're gonna get some alcohol first or...

You would like that, you drunk.

Excuse me, sir, um, is this really necessary?

You refused the breathalyzer.

Yeah, because I'm not drunk.

Hold still.

Yeah, I would like to request the same of you.

Look, sir, do... do you know the mechanic, Davey, up the way?

This is all his fault.

Davey? From Davey wheels and tires?

That place b*rned down 20 years ago.

Davey was in there that night. b*rned to death.

You're thinking Gary. Gary's tires and wheels, Arnie.

Right. I'm sorry.

Gary b*rned to death.

Ow!

I said hold still.

Now you made me miss the vein.

What... ow! Don't twist it!

God! You put an air bubble in there, you'll k*ll me.

Is that right? That'd be even worse way to die.

Sir, we've complied with all your requests.

Are we free to go now?

Ah! sh*t!

I'm afraid not. Kids?

Hold... hold on. Let me get one with my shirt off.

Okay. Your mommy and daddy have done a bad thing.

You can stay here. They're gonna have a little time-out.

Ow! You are terrible at your job.

Mm-hmm, that's right.

Okay, this is called false imprisonment.

You're not being put in a prison.

Then where are you taking us?

To a holding facility.

What do you say when they're not allowed to keep you?

"Am I being detained?"

Am I being detained?

You're not being arrested at this time.

What do you say when you wanna... you wanna go?

Uh, uh, oh, uh, "am I free to go?"

Am I free to go?

Quit it with the libertarian bullshit.

I'm trying to save me a ton of paperwork and you a bit of embarrassment.

Now I'm politely asking you to go in there for a couple of hours and sleep it off.

In a daycare?

On a child's mat? Covered in urine?

And fecal matter, probably.

Not a lot of space here in drunkard county.

[Mat thuds]

Lie all the way down.

Like an infant?

Yeah.

[Grunting]

You don't have to sleep. You can read.

Or there's a ball pit.

[Sighs]

[Door opens]

Oh, hey! Shakey's here.

Baby, that's terrible.

No, you know what's terrible? Hepatitis that he gave me.

And it has no cure.

You want another go, Stabby? All right.

You good?

Let our parents go.

No.

Let our parents go.

No.

Let our parents go.

No.

Let our parents go.

No.

Let our parents stay.

Okay.

[Scoffs]

Drive safe, Becky.

Mm-hmm.

He's letting everyone just walk out. Let's go.

They have our keys.

We have a spare set.

What about the children?

Text them. Tell them to meet us outside.

The sheriff said to stay. I just... since when do you do what you're told?

[Aristocratic accent] Listen to you.

My dear boy, you are a young Peter Donaire incarnate.

Who?

Who's Peter Donaire?

Actually, I don't really care.

He is me.

That's great. I'm trying to talk to my wife.

It's like looking in a mirror.

No, it's not.

Same chiseled jaw. Same piercing blue eyes.

Yeah, mine are. Yours are yellow and red.

Nice thick thighs.

Okay, get your hand off my thigh. We are nothing alike.

Despite that, we find ourselves shoulder to shoulder.

Ha ha. Back in your tent.

Mm?

[Whispers] Let's go.

[Normal voice] Hey, shakes.

Do you mind if I just go grab something from my car?

If you have to.

Great.

[Whispers] He's not gonna let both of us go.

Can my wife help me?

Sounds like it must be heavy.

It is.

Okay.

[Mouths words]

Want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?

[High-pitched nasal voice] Hello! My name is Stretch B!

B!

Annoying, isn't it?

Not as annoying as this.

[Siren wailing, high-pitched tone]

Die, Sheriff! Die! [Clicking]

Nothing you can do to me Vietcong already hasn't.

[Stapler thuds]

Baby, what is your problem? Let's go.

We should all go.

Peter, don't make me call the sheriff.

No!

No, no, no, he's fine. You're fine.

I'll 10-24 for backup.

[Mouths words]

10-24. QNP. Those are just numbers.

And that teleprinter of yours isn't even plugged in.

Buddy, zip it!

Hey. I'm not leaving.

Yes, you are.

Nate, I'm guilty.

No, you're not. We haven't been charged.

We are free to go.

Did you hear that, you dopey-headed clod?

What is the charge?

You were driving with a .76 blood alcohol level.

Jesus Christ. How are you even alive?

I bring myself up to zero with mescaline.

[Crying] I'm so sorry we've been trying to manipulate you into letting our family go. [Sniffles]

It's just... We're on our way to see our dying Noonie one more time.

She's blind and deaf and diabetic. [Sniffles]

They say it could be any day now. [Crying]

Jared, is this true?

Oh, yeah, she's really old.

She doesn't even k*ll mice anymore.

She was an exterminator. [Crying]

You know what they call it when you lie to a cop?

Obstruction of justice.

[Sips]

[Cries]

[Whispers] I think he bought it.

You're an idiot.

What do you mean, you're guilty?

This is not what guilty looks like.

That is what guilty looks like.

This is also what guilty looks like.

No, it is a red wine-stained shirt, pee pee pants, and a tie for a belt.

This is becoming a wonderful production of marital discourse.

This isn't a production.

I would love to be assigned a role.

Sure, your role is to shut the [Bleep] up.

Ah, forever the Godot. Felt, never seen.

No action, no dialogue, but thematically critical.

I don't understand. What... the D.U.I.'s mine.

♪

What?

[Gasps loudly] The plot thickens!

♪

Do you know how mad you would be at me if I did that?

I had a glass of wine.

I went out with Vanessa.

Well, there was your first mistake.

We went to this place. It was like an hour outside of town.

And I thought it was fine.

[laughing]

[Engine idling]

Woman: ♪ thumb... ♪

Both: ♪ pinky ♪
♪ Index, ring ♪
♪ Middle's what you want, but it ain't my thing ♪
♪ You drag my name... ♪

♪ Through the dirt ♪

Ma'am?

Have you been drinking?

[High-pitched voice] Hell,yeah!

Please step out of the vehicle.

Oh, no. We're not driving.

We're just... we're parked right now.

The car's running. That's a violation.

I know, but we're pre-lilith fair-ing.

♪ That's why I invite you ♪
♪ I invite you ♪
♪ To talk to the ♪

Both: ♪ hand ♪

The car is running.

What?

Oh, sh*t. It's a cop. It's a cop, man!

Ma'am, I need you to step out of the vehicle now.

I need you to relax!

♪ my hand ♪

Now.

Am I in trouble?

Mommy and Noonie are so close.

We're going to be walking into a pretty somber scene.

[Arguing indistinctly]

All right!

You see? We were away!

What is wrong with you?!

Jared: We had you out of there!

We obstructed justice for you!

Hey, I did nothing wrong, okay? Look at this.

A man with Parkinson's carved up my arm because of her.

It's always somebody else's fault.

Do you ever take responsibility for your own mistakes?

Hey! It was my fault, okay? I drank and drove.

["Talk to the hand" playing]

Four years ago, with your aunt Vanessa. We... okay, we don't need to hear the whole story.

Oh, okay.

You know, I always tell you guys, "don't get in a car with somebody who's been drinking," and then I drink and drive.

I say, "don't drink, don't do dr*gs." What do I do?

I eat weed gummies, and then I have mimosas for breakfast.

I don't even like mimosas.

Wait.

So Mom's the loser?

Yes.

You sure it's not Dad?

Yes.

Mommies make mistakes, too. Rarely.

You said something just now that moved me.

What exactly is a "weed gummy"?

Get your wine-stained hands off my son.

No, no, no. Kids?

Kids, kids, kids, were you messing around back here?

Jared and Delilah: No.

[Robin speaks indistinctly]

[Mouths word]

Wow.

How mad are you?

I'm pretty mad.

Okay, I can't have you hate me right now.

I think we need to go.

No, I think we need to talk this out.

I can't have you shut me out. It's... no? Okay.

You need space? Loud and clear. I hear it.

But I just need you to know that I love you and I am so sorry. And...

Really, I mean, it wasn't that big of a deal.

Get in the car.

Right. You're right. It was a big deal.

♪

What are we doing back here?

Still mad.

Okay. Got it.

[Laughing]

Man on TV: He's like a father.

[Laughter]

[Doorknob rattles]

Davey.

Hey! Davey, have you seen any, uh, uh...

Yes!

Oh, my god. Thank you.

I'm gonna do you a favor.

Just, uh, bring them to me. I appreciate it.

What are you doing? What?

No, no, no. I... they belong to me.

Hey, Davey. Davey!

Look at you, man. Desperate.

And for a couple of bags of what?

That is high grade...

[Speaking inaudibly]

Listen, we've all been there.

I knew this guy once who got so lit he decided to set fire to Gary's tires and wheels.

He was so drunk.

He thought it'd be a real funny joke.

How was I supposed to know sweet old Gary was still inside?

[Object clatters]

I wish you could've heard that story, man.

[Loudly] You're gonna thank me one day.

♪

No, no, no! No! No! No!

[Liquid sloshing]

[Crying]

[Plastic rustling]

Okay, just give me the bags. They're... they're still good.

No! No!

[Continues speaking inaudibly]

You stupid, dumb redneck...

[Continues speaking inaudibly]

My job, you... [Continues speaking inaudibly]

My family. You have... [Continues speaking inaudibly]

Life!

One day at a time, Nate.

♪ Just talk to my hand ♪
♪

So nobody heard this racket?

It's a soundproof room, sir.

Oh. And he took three bags of product?

Woman: Well, it's complicated, sir.

Turns out he took two last week.

Oh. Three plus two.

You know, that's not too complicated for me.

There's nothing valuable in this whole g*dd*mn building except what's behind that door.

I mean, how'd he even get access to it?

Well, sir, we're conducting a thorough internal investigation and interviewing all the relevant parties. [Chuckles]

Did you interview these two dipshits on the screen?

Huh?

Now listen, I am launching this product next weekend, and you let Parker walk out of here potentially jeopardizing a billion-dollar deal.

I want you to look into the face of a man who outsmarted you... [Taps button]

So you understand how stupid you really are.

Huh? Okay.

I want you two idiots to go out there, find the bigger idiot, bring this product back to me, or don't bother coming back.

So we're, like, fired if we don't find it?

Uh, yes. Or is that too complicated?