03x02 - Digging Up the Past

[bunniefuu]

♪

Dude, you live in here?

Yeah, check it out.

Oh, dude, you live in here!

Yeah.

What the f...

[chuckles]

How?

So, back in the '90s, I registered a whole bunch of celebrity domain names and then I sold them off years later and made a fortune, man.

Oh.

Yeah, crazy.

ShannenDoherty.com paid for this carpet here.

Regis Philbin paid for the entire kitchen remodel.

And Zac Efron...

That's nice.

Thank you... paid for all of my pants.

He wasn't even a thing in the '90s.

Yeah, no, I know. I mean, sometimes I would just make up a name and get lucky.

Nice.

Yeah.

Oh, that's a two-man bong.

Built it myself.

No way.

Yeah. Here, let me show you something.

Something better than that?

This is my bong collection.

[whispering] Oh, my God, Clyde.

Oh, my God! Is everything in here smokable?

I mean, can you smoke everything?

This right here plays music when you rip it.

Well, I'm pretty jazzed about that.

And this is the first bong I actually ever made back in sixth grade.

Wow. Oh, holy sh*t!

There's whole half a nug in here.

There is?

Yeah. [sniffs]

Oh, man, that's from middle school.

We gotta hit that.

Yes, sir.

Yes Sir.

[chuckles]

[chanting] Hit it, hit it, hit it, hit it.

[water bubbling]

[coughing]

Yeah!

You okay?

[gags]

Hey, Clyde.

Clyde! Is it okay if I hit this?

[coughs]

He seems cool.

Oh, sh*t.

Can I help you?

You mean "May I help you?"

What?

May I help you?

You may, I guess. What?

[coughing] Oh.

What are you... you know him or something?

Know him?

He's the one who did this to me.

♪

Oh, sh*t.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you telling me that Clyde did that to you?

What?

Did he do that to you?

Oh, no. No, no.

I was torn apart by guerillas in Africa.

Oh, thank God.

Yeah.

Oh, thank God. [chuckles]

sh*t.

For a second there I was like, "I am a f*cking sh*t magnet for people these days."

Okay, good. Okay.

So, uh... okay, so how do you know Clyde?

I was his middle school guidance counselor.

Oh.

Most of the children I worked with were...

Pieces of sh*t?

Far below average intelligence.

But once in a blue moon, a child would come along who had the potential to change the world.

And Clyde was, like, that student?

He wasn't "like" that student.

He was.

He's a genius.

Kind of.

Whoa.

Pac?

Hey.

What are you doing?

Well...

Ooh! You're talking to a ghost, aren't you?!

Aren't you?! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Calm down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ooh, what happened?

Uh, actually, it's...

Wait, don't tell me!

sh*t!

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, okay. Is it, uh... is it, uh... uh... is it Ethel Merman?

Who... who's Ethel Merman?

"Who's Ethel Merman?"

Is she merfolk?

Seriously?

Okay, well, it's not her.

Oh, I give up, then. Who is it?

It is the ghost of your middle school guidance counselor.

Mr. Faggy?

"Mr. Faggy"?

Is that your name?

It's Fa-jzeh!

The "G" is soft. You know that!

He says it's Fa-jzeh with a soft "G" or whatever.

Oh, sh*t, it's him!

Yeah!

Well, whatever happened with that guy?

I haven't thought about him in years.

You got me fired, that's what happened!

You got him fired, that's what happened.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah.

Oh, I think I may have told the principal that he had... he had showed me his balls.

Ugh. I had "shown" you my balls.

You did?! Oh!

What?

Why?

No, no, no!

He made that up!

Look, I wasn't trying to get him fired, okay?

I was just sick of him always trying to correct my grammar and motivate me and stuff.

Right, well, you got him sent away to Africa.

Okay, okay, I chose to go to Africa.

What, he get eaten by a lion or something?

Uh, no. A gorilla, actually.

Whoa.

Right?

Actually, it was a band of guerilla fighters.

I got caught in the middle of a political coup.

Holy sh*t, it was a band of guerillas.

Oh, sh*t. What kind of music?

I don't know. He did not specify.

Wait a second. If Mr. Faggy d*ed in Africa, what's he doing here?

Good question.

Even as the guerillas were ripping me to shreds and feeding me to actual gorillas, all I could think about was Clyde.

That's weird.

No.

I can't leave until he has lived up to his full potential.

Okay, I got it. It's making sense now.

All right, so how does he make that happen?

By winning first place at that.

"Sexy singles in your area"?

Is that a contest?

Oh, wait.

Oh. Oh!

"Big Apple Idea Fair, where imagination meets wonder and blows your mind."

Oh, okay.

What... what happens if he doesn't win?

There will be consequences.

Like... aw, sh*t!

Whoa!

Wait a second, is that a bong?

Okay, Idea Fair, where imagination eats wonder and blows your mind.

[sighs]

I have an idea.

What if we smoke weed to come up with some great ideas?

Great idea.

What about... lasers?

Damn it!

What?

You said lasers and I... obviously, lasers, and I f*cking forgot...

Hey.

What I was gonna say. I'm sorry for yelling.

No, sorry. I'm a blurter. I didn't mean to blurt that out.

No, I just... my bad.

Listen... oh, I got it. I have something.

What about... f*ck.

Oh! What about a device that helps you remember ideas that you just forgot in your brain?

Holy sh*t, yes!

Yeah?

Yes!

So how would that work?

I don't know.

You know, they say that, uh... that most people get their best ideas...

On the shitter?

Close.

Whoa, what is this, pomegranate?

Oh, my God! I think I got it!

Okay, look, even if we have this trampoline here, it still doesn't take care of the problem.

I knew you were gonna say that, so I propose we put a second trampoline right here.

Sounds like you boys are onto something.

Mr. Faggy, hi. Yeah, almost.

Not quite there yet.

Ugh, no.

What is this?

The cure for cancer?

That's me, uh, knocking your reefer device onto a trampoline.

This is just an idea to avoid coming up with an idea!

We're sorry, Mr. Faggy!

Ideas are hard!

It's Fa-jzeh.

The "G" is soft.

Fa-jzeh.

Tell him we're trying.

We're trying!

You're not trying!

You're smoking reefer and showering together.

Now stop farting around!

[groans] That guy!

f*cking... [blows raspberry, growls]

Did he see the trampoline floor idea? What did he say?

Ugh, he thinks we're smoking too much pot.

[groans]

[laughs]

Actually, he might... he might be right about that.

Huh?

I mean, ever since I started smoking weed, all of my ideas are either half-baked or they're about weed.

Now, hang on a second, Clyde.

It sounds to me like you're talking about giving up the weed.

No!

What? Hell no! No!

All I'm saying... jeez, really?

That's what you thought?

Yeah.

For a second I was like...

f*ck! No, no, no.

All I'm saying is... this guy is not...

No, what I'm saying is that we have to find the inventions and ideas that I had before I started smoking.

Sure, sure, sure. Okay, so, uh... how do we find the ideas from before you started...

I wrote them all down in a notebook.

Notebook. Okay, where do we get the notebook?

Buried.

Alive?

♪

I get it. So you just dug a bunch of holes and buried all your sh*t in the park?

It's time capsules, man.

You never know when you're gonna need something from your past.

Time capsule?

Here. Yeah, here we go.

What's a time capsule?

Oh, my God! Is that a Smash Mouth CD?

[blows]

Huh.

This is the wrong box. This is from high school.

I used to love this album so hard.

Come here.

Can I keep this?

Yeah.

Okay, so apparently, this is from your second tour in Afghanistan.

I don't remember any of this.

Oh.

Okay.

What is this?

Oh, yeah. That.

That was a letter from jail last week when I met you.

Shut up.

Clyde! [laughs]

[blows]

That one's not mine.

Ew!

What the...

Hold on. Wait, wait.

What is that?

Oh, dude, that's a tiny, little baby skull.

Oh, it's so cute.

All right, just keep digging.

All right.

You can bust through that.

Aha!

Is this it?

Oh, no. This is the map.

What map?

The map to where all the capsules are buried.

Say what?

Here it is! Okay.

That's it?

For real this time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And here's my idea journal.

Let's do it!

Oh, man, no wonder we didn't find it. There used to be a tree here.

Oh, sh*t.

I had so many great ideas back in the day. This is a car that runs on gas and electricity.

Cool. I think that's already a thing, though.

Oh, yeah, of course. Um...

Yeah.

What do you got?

This is a... this is a phone that also has a camera and a computer inside of it.

That is one smart phone.

sh*t, you're right.

What?

Uh...

That's a smart phone, man!

Oh! This is a... a... a p*ssy that you keep in your pocket.

A pocket p*ssy?

Yeah.

And you f*ck it?

Yeah.

Holy sh*t.

That's already a thing. I have one.

It is?

Yeah.

You can order it online. I got a few of them.

f*ck!

What?

What... okay, what about this?

That's just my school yearbook.

This is a f*cking yearbook?

Oh, my God, I've never actually seen one of these.

Back in the orphanage, they just put us in catalogues.

Why'd you cross your photo out?

Uh, I... I didn't.

Why would you do that, Clyde?

[sighs] Let's just go, all right?

Wait, hold on, hold on. What... what?

Who scribbled out your yearbook photo, man?

You wouldn't understand, man.

I mean, I'm sure you were one of the cool kids.

Yeah, of course.

Cooler than you.

Well, not all of us had special powers like you did.

All I had was this bully.

Brody Keller.

f*cking grody Brody Keller.

That's exactly what I used to call him.

That guy dunked my head in the toilet so many times, I got swimmer's ear.

Why do you think I started smoking weed?

'Cause you couldn't hear them telling you not to?

Because I wanted to be cool.

I wanted to stop getting stuffed in my own locker.

You know, Brody left me in there over a long weekend once.

I had to eat my own pet snake just to survive.

Ew, raw?

Hey, that's it.

What?

That's it! That's how we're gonna win the Idea Fair!

Snake snacks?

No!

We need to put a stop to bullying before it even starts.

I like it.

We need to invent a line of bully-proof clothing and accessories!

What the f*ck, man!

Yes!

Wait, Clyde!

You gotta say break right or break left!

♪

[toilet flushes]

Ah!

Oh.

♪

Yo mama is so ugly that people forget how fat she is.

Yeah, I can read lips.

sh*t, I'm sorry, man. I...

Fucker.

[grunts]

♪

Only one thing left to do.

Win that Idea Fair.

No. We gotta test this out in the field.

Oh, yeah.

[doorbell chiming rapidly]

God, my heart is b*ating so fast right now.

It's probab... probably all the Adderall.

I got it, too.

Can I help you?

Brody Keller.

Clyde Shapiro. Let's do this.

Clyde Shapiro?

From Don Quixote Middle School?

No way!

Hey, man!

It's been a long time.

Maybe for you.

What? I don't understand.

Hasn't it been the same amount of time for both of you?

I was trying to be mouthy.

Oh, f*ck. Okay.

Brody, dinner!

Yeah, coming!

Sorry, guys. Just about to sit down to dinner with the fam.

Oh, hey, you two wanna join?

Yeah, sure.

What?

No, wait.

What, no!

Don't you wanna give me a noogie or tell me my mom has AIDS and I caught it from her when I was coming out of her vag*na and now it's only a matter of time before I die?

[sighs] Jeez, man.

I was pretty awful, huh?

Regularly.

You know, I was just a lost kid.

I was just trying to gain some control by keeping you down.

So you have no desire to bully me right now?

No, I'm a changed man, Clyde.

I'm a father now.

I'm married. I work with autistic kids.

Okay, so you have no urge to say, I don't know, punch Clyde right in his big, dumb face?

None whatsoever.

Just a tap on the chin?

Nah.

Dude, it would really help us out right now.

Nah, I just, you know... sorry, guys.

I... I can't.

All right.

Okay.

Thanks, assh*le.

Shitballs.

What do we do now?

Hey, girls, I know what we could do now.

[groaning]

Oh, that's familiar.

Ah!

[groaning] Oh, sh*t.

Oh, the anus.

Oh, so exposed.

The anus.

All right.

Okay, you ready?

I'm ready.

[screaming]

Oh!

Did it hurt?

No, it was, uh... it was refreshing.

Pac, we're literally sitting on a million-dollar idea.

[grunts]

Oh, it was refreshing!

Right?

Yeah.

Oh, it smells like money.

Yeah, right?

♪

Good morrow, milady.

We are here to win the pres... prestigious Big Apple Idea Fair.

Ooh, I like your enthusiasm!

Believe me, enthusiasm has nothing to do with it.

Except for when we came up with the idea.

Obviously.

Okay, well, I will be happy to sign you in.

Where is your child?

[children playing]

My what?

Your child.

[children continue playing]

Oh, you mean one of these?

♪

This is... this... ugh!

Where in the fart are we gonna find a kid on such short notice?

Pac, even if we had ample notice, it would still be a whole thing.

Yeah, all right.

What... all right, spitballing here.

What about this... we lift a kid from the street.

We gotta keep this professional.

Okay?

Yes. Yeah.

Professional. Agreed.

What do you have in mind?

Craigslist. Let's go.

Yeah.

Okay, Craigslist. Here we go.

Wedgie-proof underwear inventeurs looking for...

Wait, hold on.

Pac, this is a multimillion-dollar idea.

We can't just put this online for some schmuck to steal.

Oh, f*ck. You're right.

We have to be very specific about how we word this, right?

[clears throat]

Just the basics.

Okay, here we go.

Try again.

Uh, how about "men seeking boy for underwear experiment"?

Perfect.

Right?

Yeah.

[mouse clicks]

And there it goes.

Okay.

[exhales]

Hey, Clyde, uh... you remember earlier when you were telling me about getting bullied and you assumed that I was one of the cool kids?

Yeah.

[computer chimes]

You were right! Look, there's an email.

Look at that. His name is Dustin.

I like him already. He loves "pizzah."

So do I.

Amazing.

I'm gonna see if he can meet right now.

Sweet, good idea.

[email whooshes]

Done.

Phew!

[computer chimes]

Whoa.

He's in!

And such a fast emailer.

Wow!

[knocking on door]

Hey, fellas, come on in!

Okay. Actually, man, we should probably get going if we're gonna make it to the fair in time.

No problemo.

I just gotta feed my hamster upstairs first.

Make yourselves comfy.

Yeah. Oh.

Oh, that is springy.

Hey, he's cute, right?

Yeah, he's super cute.

Yeah.

I didn't expect that.

Yeah.

He's really well-mannered, too.

He is. I like that he's going up to feed his hamster.

It shows responsibility.

That is true.

Yeah. You know what?

I think we kind of hit the jackpot here.

Yep.

Cha-ching!

Right? I'm excited!

[grunts]

Hello, gentlemen.

Sir.

Oh, herro!

Do you know who I am?

Uh, I presume Dustin's dad.

Try again.

Dustin's grandfather?

My name is Chris Andersen.

I'm the host of the show "America's Dumbest Predators."

[singing theme song]

No?

Pac, this guy's creeping me out.

Do you know how old Dustin is?

Uh, yeah, nosey.

He's 12, I think.

He's actually 11.

Sweet.

You know that makes what you're doing here illegal?

Uh, no. We were told that any child up to and including the age of 12 was totally fine.

Fair game.

Soliciting sex from a minor?

That's not what's going on here!

Sex?! What?! No!

We just... listen. We just needed to get this kid to come back down to the city with us so we can test out a pair of underwear that rips off of his body easily.

Okay, I'm hearing how that sounds now.

I have here your email exchange with young Dustin.

Good. Proof.

Here you ask him, "Are you cute in a way that adults would find appealing?"

Yeah, because the judges of the competition...

Here you ask, "Do you have good oral skills?"

Well, yeah. One of the categories includes an oral presentation.

Yeah.

And here you ask, "Dustin, if we go all the way, could you fit the two of us into your mouth?"

Yeah, becau... wait. What?

Let me see that.

Oh, that was meant to say, "Could you fit the two of us into your month?"

Your month meaning that if we actually win the Idea Fair, it'll probably be, like, a month of meeting with investors.

Hey, Clyde? I think we should make a run for it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh!

Oh, no, no!

Okay. All right, I'm going!

I'm gonna... ow, ow!

Why does Clyde get to stand up?

Ah, okay, all right.

[laughing]

Oh, God!

I got ya, you lying m*therf*cker!

How does it feel to be accused of pedophilia on national TV?

You human sack of sh*t!

Hey, Clyde!

Now you really can say I've shown you my balls!

[screams]

Technically, Clyde can't see those, Mr. Fa...

Oh, never mind.

What?

I'll tell you later.

Okay, let's get up.

[grunts]

[groans]

You're going away for a long time, slutboy.

♪

Dude, we are so lucky we're not in prison right now.

Yeah, I know.

Buying ChrisAndersen.com eight years ago was the smartest thing I've ever done.

Yeah.

Well, second smartest thing.

What? What are you talking about?

I think I finally cracked the trillion-dollar idea.

Oh, yeah, man, maybe we should just drop the whole wedgie-proof underwear thing.

I'm not talking about wedgie-proof underwear.

I'm talking about this.

What do you say, partner?

Wanna go into unfinished business with me?

♪

Come here, man!

Aw! [chuckles]

[grunts]

How about we hit that two-man bong?

I thought you'd never ask.

Yes!

♪ ♪