03x05 - Weeknight at Skillitz

[bunniefuu]

This is make or break, folks.

Danny Poker's searching Melman's face for any clue he can find.

He ain't got sh*t.

Just a pair of threes.

Ghost just gave him the cards again.

Oh. Mm-hmm.

There's a ghost on screen?

Right now?

Yeah.

The entire pot.

All in.

Danny calls the bluff! How does he Al...

Right there. Right there! Look!

Oh, yeah. Okay, I think I see it.

It's like a silhouette of, like, an old woman.

No, no, a very large man.

Could've been a bodybuilder.

Okay, no, I don't see it.

Oh, my God. Clyde, do you know what this means?

You can capture a ghost on film, but nobody can see him.

It means somebody else out there can see ghosts.

It's not just me. I'm not alone in the world.

Oh, right!

Holy sh*t, and that person is Danny Pokertini!

This guy?

Holy sh*t.

This guy's a genius.

He seems to be fairly intelligent.

Let me... no, no, no.

You don't even know.

I wanna know everything about this guy.

Okay.

Who is he?

His Insta is...

Where does he come from?

Right here. Look at this. Look at this!

Look. Ladies.

Yeah.

Titties.

Yeah.

g*ns, titties.

Titties.

Boats, titties.

Drones, titties.

Titties.

Look at that double blowjob.

Holy sh*t.

Look at that.

God.

Titties, titties.

Holy f*cking sh*t!

His cat is so adorable!

So g*dd*mn cute.

Holy sh*t!

Okay, I'm in. I love this guy.

What... how do we meet him? He seems like he's a f*cking rock star.

How do we meet him?

Go back to the top.

Last post. Boom!

[chuckles]

Club Le Douche.

Tonight, Danny Poker in attendance.

DJ Skillitz putting the dubsmash in your eardrums.

Is his d*ck hanging out?

No, no, no.

That's just his signature. Zoom in.

That's the smartest thing I've ever seen.

The man's a genius.

A ghost-talking genius.

Like me.

Like you.

♪

[sniffs] Are we a little bit early?

'Cause I feel like I'm still smelling lunch specials.

Dude, you're trying to get up in the club on a Tuesday with two guys and no girls?

Yeah.

You show up early.

Hello! No, I'm just pretending to talk to you on the phone because I don't wanna look like a crazy person.

Oh, my gosh. That's hysterical.

[guffawing]

Okay, so he didn't see me yet.

Oh, sh*t.

I'm gonna have to pretend that I'm gonna have to call you back, okay?

Pac! Pac, is that you?

Hey! Oh, my gosh!

Hey.

Hi!

[grunts]

Hey! Hey.

How are you? Hey.

Hey. Hey!

Gosh, I feel like I haven't seen you since our sweet mistake.

Yeah, well, we only hung out the one time, so that would... that would make sense.

Did he tell you about our sweet mistake?

I don't think so.

Did I? No, I...

Then it's just our little secret, isn't it?

Just you, me, the bodies.

Shut up.

What bodies?

Yeah, I would love to stand here and talk with you all f*cking day, but we are running late, so...

Oh! I'll give you a ride.

I've got the hearse. It's parked just around the...

No, no, that's cool.

We have transportation plans of our own.

Well, she might be able to help us get in the club.

The club! I love the club.

I've got my good bra in the hearse.

Let's party!

It's called "Le Douche."

"Douche"?

No. You know what? It's fine.

It's... it's... you can't because you just... they have a... there's a thing there.

You just... you can't. You just can't.

I'm sorry.

Sorry?

Don't... no, don't be sorry. It's fine.

I have... you know what? I gotta take this call.

Hello, friend.

I'll see you guys later.

Yeah, no, it did not go well.

Well, I don't care if you don't wanna hear it.

What is the point of having a fake conversation if I can't tell you whatever I want?

What was going on there?

We, uh... we may have had sex.

Nice.

With four or five dead bodies.

That explains the tension, man.

I'm telling you, she was into you and we are not even at the club yet.

I've got a good feeling about tonight.

God, I feel filthy.

Ah, you always feel filthy to me.

♪ Maximum bass ♪
♪ Maximum bass ♪
♪ Maximum bass ♪

I f*cked that girl last night.

That's rough. Look at them guys.

Guys, wow.

No way. You guys aren't coming in.

What? What do you mean? We're the first ones here.

Yeah, and you showed up looking like Tron and f*cking d*ck Tracy.

Thank you.

What do you want me to do?

Gentlemen, step aside.

Hang on, I got this.

[clears throat] So, what's it gonna take, huh? A 10? A 12?

Actually, I need some of that for drinks, though.

Uh, is there a minimum?

Guys, my boy Skillitz is performing tonight, okay?

This sh*t's gonna be packed in like a high-end butt plug.

Hey, Devin. Devin!

You and you are not coming in.

Come on, man!

DJ Skillitz.

Yeah, DJ Skillitz...

You can hear me? performing in here tonight.

There's no choads allowed, okay?

Uh-uh. I need to take a piss.

I'll be right back.

You should probably go hold his d*ck, right?

I do have to pee.

When I start thinking about it, it's like...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're the only assh*le who can hear me. Why?

I'm a medium, not an assh*le, thank you very much.

It's a power that still raises a lot of questions in me.

And tonight, I'm actually hoping to meet...

I don't care. As soon as you started talking, I realized that I don't care.

Dude-bro, congratulations.

You get to help out DJ Skillitz right now.

Yeah, sounds great, except for I'm a little preoccupied with trying to figure out how to get to your show tonight.

The show I won't be performing at because I'm dead?

Exactly.

If that's what you want, I got VIP passes back at my place.

Yeah! f*ck yeah! Tradesies.

I'm in! Okay, good. What do I have to do?

I left a slightly embarrassing mess in my apartment and I need someone to clean it up before I don't show up tonight and they come looking for me.

Left your p*rn out?

Been there, done that. I lived in a massage parlor for six months, had no Wi-Fi. I found a crate full of magazines by the Dumpster one time, brought it inside and whacked myself into oblivion.

Passed out on...

Please don't tell me this story.

Yeah, you're right.

That's probably more of a friends and family story.

Clyde, we got a case!

♪ Party ♪
♪ Yeah, we be up in the club ♪
♪ Yeah, we be up in the club ♪
♪ Come on, yeah, oh ♪

Hey.

It's, uh, not much of a mess, huh?

I don't b*at off in the kitchen.

No, oh, sure. Yeah, obviously.

Neither do I. But you could if you wanted to.

It's beautiful. Very spacious.

You could lay out on the counter there.

Oh, dude, he's got one of these things?

Yo, this thing, like, balances itself for you.

Ask him if I can try it.

Do we have time to try it?

No. f*cking come on.

No. f*cking come on.

Hey, we'll do it later.

Okay.

Holy sh*t.

Quite the "p*rn."

"Asian Sluts Quarterly,"

"Persian Carpet."

Oh, f*ck! The old "United States of Apparel" mailer.

Oh, God, that takes me back.

Hey, do we have to throw these out? Can I keep this?

No, I'm not throwing it out!

It's a collection.

He can look at it here.

You gotta put it down. Put it down.

Okay, so what do you think?

Uh, under the closet, into the bed?

Where do you want this stuff?

That all can go into the closet.

Okay.

Oh, sh*t!

And that can come out of the closet.

What the holy f*ck?

See, that's the reaction.

That's the reaction everybody has when you die jacking off.

Wait, this is a jacking-off accident? This is a "jaccident"?

Look, it doesn't matter now.

Let's just clean this place up so this is not how I'm remembered.

And then we can all go about our business.

You do you, I'll do me.

This is a very, very different cleanup than I was originally sold on.

Do you want those VIP passes?

I mean, yeah, those would be nice.

Then be a good little girl and do what daddy wants.

Ew.

How much better?

What?

How much better than a normal b*at-off? Ask him.

10 times, easy.

I don't know, man. Let's just get this over with.

No, no, no. Listen.

This guy had everything and he d*ed with his d*ck in his hand.

It must feel f*cking incredible.

Ask him. You gotta ask him, man.

Think about all the things we could be missing out on.

Look at his d*ck. It's...

All right, okay!

Clyde, it's 10 times better, okay?

Would you just help me lift?

10 times?!

10 f*cking times?

Think about how amazing a regular jerk-off feels.

I don't want to right now. I'm not in the mood.

And then times it by f*cking 10!

Are you kidding me?

Good convo, Clyde.

Okay, come here.

Strictly from a time management perspective, I could b*at off 10 times less if I was getting 10 times more out of every session.

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t! Oh, God!

Clyde! [groans]

Oh, we're touching dicks.

Oh, sh*t.

Clyde, help me get his d*ck off my d*ck.

No, roll him off. Roll him off!

Come on!

Ah, God! Oh, sh*t.

Oh. Oh, sh*t.

It's debatable how worth it this would be.

[grunts]

[groans, pants]

Oh, God! I gotta put him down.

Okay.

Let's get him over to the toilet.

So gross!

Put him on the toilet.

Oh!

[grunting]

God, he's heavy for a little guy.

[groans]

Okay.

Here we go.

[whimpers]

We'll get some water. Come on, Clyde.

[panting] Okay. We're cool!

Yo, what the hell is this?

This is as far as we take you, buddy.

Elvis f*cking Presley d*ed on the toilet, so this... this is how you wanna be remembered.

You know what I mean?

I guess it is better than autoerotic asphyxiation.

Totally.

Passes are on the counter.

Tell the fans that I love them.

Skillitz!

♪

Ooh, ooh! Ah!

Oh. Wow, was that him leaving?

Yeah, that was him.

I felt that.

That was really easy, actually.

You know that feeling when everything's just going right?

I do.

[knocking on door]

Come on in! It's open!

No!

What? sh*t!

Hey, Skillz.

It's Dilana Frank, "Tumbling Stone" magazine.

sh*t.

What do we do?

What else?

Hey... hey, what's up, girl?

What? What is that?

It's my Skillitz voice.

Do you wanna do the interview here or go get a bite to eat?

No.

No, I'd rather do it in here in the shower.

Why?!

'Cause I... 'cause I'm so...

I'm so f*cking dirty from dropping beats in my pants all day.

What the f*ck?

Dude, that is negative energy.

You're making this worse. Don't add pressure.

You mind if I ask who you've got in there with you?

No doubt. It's my soap bitch.

Got my soap bitch in here. He delivers me all my soaps.

You know, them dope soaps. Go say hi.

That's not even how he talks.

Trust me. I've had Skillitz yapping in my ear all day.

I've got this voice down.

Seriously?

Man, that's negative energy. You're f*cking my sh*t up.

Tell her to go away.

I just invited her in.

That'll be f*cking weird.

What the f*ck is a soap bitch?

Hey! How are you?

I was just, uh, delivering some soaps.

Soaps?

Right.

Is that what they call it in the future?

Look, um, I don't give a sh*t.

I don't put the drug dealer in the interview, so...

Fire away! Skillitz wants to talk.

All right. You mind if I record?

Do you mind if I remix it later?

sh*t. Remix!

Skillitz, Skillitz, Skillitz!

Panties drop.

I'm cool if you're cool.

Oh, I'd say I'm pretty f*cking cool.

I'm f*cking Skillitz.

Yes, you are.

You know, I just realized I forgot to give him a couple more soaps, so if you'll excuse me.

Yeah.

Hey, tone it down!

Why are you in the shower?

'Cause I wanted it to sound authentic.

All right, I'm gonna dive right in.

Uh, I got a couple of softballs here, but I think we both know my real questions are about this feud you have brewing with DeadR@t.

A lot of people say it might not be real.

You sound crazy.

What?

Act like a real rock star. Play it cool.

Okay, chill.

Skillz?

You there?

Yeah, girl. Still here.

Can you say that last part one more again?

Well, I was just saying it doesn't change the fact that DeadR@t called you a rip-off artist.

DeadR@t said that about me?

Yep.

The rodent with the f*cking X'd-out eyes?

Is the sting from that insult still fresh?

I f*cking hate DeadR@t.

That one song, I guess, was stuck in my head for six months when I worked at the massage parlor.

Now he's talking sh*t about me?

You worked at a massage parlor?

DeadR@t is what Jude Law listens to on his period.

You can quote me on that one.

Yo, can I tweet that?

Absolutely. He's a p*ssy!

[thuds]

Oh, he slipped!

But, uh... but I'm sure he'll be fine.

He just, uh... he's just a little out of it.

We should probably reschedule now.

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Skill?

One word. One word.

Skill?

Skillitz for life!

Oh, look at that. He just passed out again.

Uh, we'll definitely have to reschedule.

He's fine, though. This happens sometimes.

Oh, my God!

Is there anything I can do?

No, everything is fine. Thank you so much.

I will be in touch to reschedule.

Okay, yeah, that sounds great. Thanks very much, now.

And I'm assuming these passes on the counter are mine?

Yep, that sounds great. Thank you.

All right. Feel better.

f*cking weird.

What, uh... what passes are on the counter?

Huh? Oh, f*ck me.

sh*t!

sh*t.

Yep, we gave her our passes.

Well, sh*t. What are we gonna do?

♪

No. No.

No. No!

Yes.

♪

Holy sh*t, I think this is working.

"Weekend at Ernie's," baby. Foolproof.

Yeah! Except I think you mean "Bernie's."

No, you're thinking of "Sesame Street."

No, that's Ernie.

Mm-mm. Bernie and Ernie.

I think you got your wires crossed a little bit, bud...

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Pac!

Oh. Cop.

Where?

There's a cop coming over here.

He's walking towards us.

Oh, sh*t!

Okay, quick. If I yell Mayday, just drop the body and run, okay?

No, no, no! I'm not fast.

Well, then be wily.

I don't even know what that word is!

[horn honks]

Hey! Is that DJ Skillitz?

[screams]

Oh, my f*cking God!

Hey, you guys wanna party with us?

♪

Yes, we do. Yeah.

Wanna get that door?

♪

[gasps] Let's get a picture, you guys!

[gasps]

Ready?

Girls' night!

[laughs]

Ugh, God, I look so bad.

You always look so sexy. Okay, one more.

Is this real champagne?

Pac, this is real champagne!

What's fake champagne?

Oh, man.

[horn honks]

Oh, sh*t! Oh!

[tires screech]

Oh, my God!

You're so forward. [gasps]

Mm, you taste like a dead f*cking dog.

I love it.

Sabrina, you should totally take him to the hot tub.

[screams]

Let's do it!

That's a bad idea.

I think... Sabrina, that's a bad idea.

Okay, if you're gonna do it, just be careful!

He's fragile!

So how do you know Skillitz?

Uh, how do we know him?

Well, we're, uh... we've always sort of just been part of his entourage.

That's right, yeah.

Sort of like that HBO show "Ballers."

"Ballers"!

[laughing]

♪

Okay. Clyde, let's do it.

Pac! Pac!

Oh, sh*t.

Hi, hi!

Hi, hi.

Oh, God, what a surprise.

Well, not really, 'cause I told you we were gonna be here, but...

Oh, my gosh! What's up? Where you coming from?

Who are those girls?

Not that it's any of your f*cking business, but those girls... very attractive, very frisky girls... were helping us transport a very important friend of ours.

f*ck, they drove off!

Who? Oh!

I remember who.

Hey, wait! Wait a sec!

Are you still not there?

I told you I'm not fast enough! [pants]

Wait! Hey!

Hey, come on!

I'm trying.

It's... it's actually really slow.

You're better off running.

[tires screech]

Whoa!

♪

Rude!

Skillitz sh*t the hot tub.

We're not cleaning that up!

His drunk ass is gonna cost us our deposit.

I let him do things my husband doesn't even get to do and that's how he treats a lady?

Tell him to grow the f*ck up.

Okay, I'll be sure to tell him that.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Enjoy your night!

What the f*ck?

Why didn't you just run, man?

I don't know.

Clyde, stop dicking around. Come on.

Okay, just fell out of a limo.

Uh, damage assessment.

Yeah, he smells a bit.

Definitely dumped the bowels, but, uh, overall I'd say he looks pretty good.

Missing a finger.

Yeah, I'm not gonna ask any questions there.

Looks like Skillitz to me.

Yeah, right?

That guy's f*cking dead.

What?

No, no, no, he's just drunk.

No, yeah, he's just drunk.

Uh-uh.

I know a dead body when I see one.

It's my job.

It's also my pleasure.

sh*t.

Yeah, I know it is.

God, Carol.

Hey, what are the odds of you...

Popping in the alley for a quick one?

See how much life he's got left in him?

Or do a little touch-up on his face to make him look less dead?

Oh, yeah. I've got my makeup in the hearse.

Okay, get off me. Let's go, Clyde.

♪

He looks great.

Yeah.

I hate to say it, but you're really good at this.

You know, we don't do this enough.

All right, I'm gonna let you have that one.

Carol!

Ooh.

No pictures!

No pictures.

Hey-ya.

What's up, Skillz? How you living?

Oh, he's living large.

She's not with us.

Uh-uh.

Oh. Oh, no, I'm with them.

Pac?

Guys?

Let the Le Douching begin.

f*ck, yeah!

Oh, sh*t. Oh, my God, is that Danny Poker right there?

♪
♪ Maximum bass ♪

Now's our chance.

No, no, no, we gotta ditch the body first.

Oh, right.

Yo, Skill! Baby, where you been, dawg?

We need you onstage, like, yesterday.

Come on.

Yeah. Yo, dawg, actually, he wanted to sit down for a sec.

We'll get him a chair. Come on.

Yeah, cool, bro.

Do you have a hoverboard ramp?

No.

What, are you handicapped?

No, I'm hoverboard friendly.

[cheering, applause]

They love you, Skill! Give 'em a taste, bro!

Everyone's looking. Do something!

f*ck, there's so many f*cking knobs.

What are you doing? What are you doing?!

Pressing buttons.

You can't just press a button and be Skillitz!

♪ Skillitz ♪

[cheering, applause]

♪

All right.

Oh, sh*t. What about him?

[cheering]

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

♪

Good job, man.

[clears throat]

Excuse me, Mr. Poker?

[music stops]

Excuse me, Danny Pokertini?

[mic feedback rings]

I said, Mr. Pokertini?

[murmuring]

sh*t.

Copy.

Where are those d-bags at?

Oh, f*ck, oh, f*ck. He's onto us.

♪

Hey, yo, Skillitz!

[screaming]

Who's a p*ssy now, bitch?

Tweet that, m*therf*cker! Whoo!

[screaming]

Uh, Danny! f*ck.

Was that Deadr@t?

Deadr@t's a m*rder*r!

He's a stone-cold m*rder*r.

That's all right. We'll get him next time.

Or we could just return this to him tomorrow at his apartment.

[siren wailing]

Blackjack, bitch!

Unh!

Ah.

[sniffs, snorts] Oh, God!

Cocaine.

Clyde! The Skillitz interview is up on the "Tumbling Stone" website!

They used my quote about Jude Law and the f*cking massage parlor and everything!

Is... hey, hey.

Hey, buddy.

Hey.

I was just, uh...

Huh?

Changing my clothes.

Yeah, totally, man.

That's cool. And I love change. I'm just gonna...

I was gonna, like... I'm gonna... I'm just gonna...

I'm gonna go jerk...

I'm gonna read the article and I'm gonna go to bed.

Okay. Cool, yeah.

I was just gonna read an article and go to bed, too, so...

Yeah, cool, man. Good night.

♪
♪ Maximum bass ♪