03x12 - Abra-Cadaver

[bunniefuu]

♪

[imitating alarm]

10 more minutes.

[continues imitating alarm]

Oh, what the... what the f*ck?!

Where's my money? Huh?

What f*cking money?

For services rendered?

Last night? Your friend Danny Poker owes me two grand.

What f*cking sex act on God's green earth could possibly cost $2,000?

He diarrhea'd on my chest.

Oh, yeah.

That adds up.

Mm-hmm.

It doesn't f*cking matter. I don't even know why I'm asking you 'cause money doesn't really mean anything to you anymore, lady.

I hate to break it to you. You're kind of... you're fully dead.

[scoffs] What?

You're f*cking dead.

And it looks like you took a pretty bad tumble, too.

Your noodle's kind of hanging out of your dome piece.

What the f*ck?

That m*therf*cker k*lled me?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It must've been when he tried to throw me in the pool by the p*ssy and the assh*le like a g*dd*mn bowling ball.

Oh. Oh, I'll k*ll that m*therf*cker.

That thin-dicked...

Whoa, whoa, hold on!

Brainless, crouton m*therf*cker bitch!

Let's just calm down here, okay? Let... let...

Shh, shh, shh.

Oh, my God.

[gasps] It's beautiful.

Damn.

Oh, poor baby doesn't exist anymore.

What is that?

So remember on our way here, I told our pilot to ignore our "flight path" and just cut across America so we'd get there in time for that sweet Cirque show "Vagine"?

Yeah, the shortcut.

Yeah, well, it's kind of like that, but for ghosts.

Whoa.

When I saw that Amish ghost go to his light at my orgy, I was like, "Holy sh*t."

Now that's crazy."

So I hired a bunch of nerds to make the tech, and boom!

Shortcut to the light, my friend.

That's amazing.

Yeah, no sh*t, all right?

So keep it to yourself.

Yeah.

Now, are you gonna stay in bed all day, lazybones, or are you gonna help me bury this body?

Sure.

But can we hit up that b-fast bouffant first, though?

I'm f*cking starving.

Don't be gauche, Pac.

You bury before brunch, not brunch before bury.

Brunch before bury.

I know, I'm sorry.

Remember what I told you?

Yeah, bury before brunch...

Bury before brunch, that's a good hunch.

Brunch before bury, now, that's not a very... good idea.

Good thing to do.

♪

[imitates plane engine] I'm coming in for a landing.

[imitates tires screeching]

Pac, where have you been?

Who, me? Oh, uh, nowhere.

I just went for a weekend to Vegas with Danny Pokertini.

Dude, you could've at least called, man.

I was really worried...

[farting]

Oh, God. Oh!

Oh, man, I'm so sorry.

Oh, God, I've been holding that in all morning.

Still in that stage with each other where I kind of wanna keep a bit of the mystery with Danny, you know?

Like, maybe at this point he doesn't think I have a butthole. And I'm cool with that, right?

He's so awesome.

Jesus, what is that?

Oh. Yeah, that stinks.

That's, uh... that's whaledolphin.

It's where they stuff a dolphin inside of a whale.

It's kind of like turducken except for really, really rich people.

Look, I'm glad that you're enjoying the high life with Danny, but you've missed about a week of work here.

Do you have any idea how awkward it's been for me?

I promise he'll be here any minute.

Sorry.

Come on, man! It's like you don't even care about the business anymore.

I'm sorry.

Did you just say it's like I don't care about the business?

Yeah.

Clyde, I am the f*cking business!

Wow.

Yeah.

I bet I could solve, like, 20 ghost cases in one day by myself.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Why don't you just stick to solving one?

One?

Just one.

Piece of cake. What do you got?

Here.

Haunted kite kiosk at the corner of East 10th and Avenue B.

Oh, ye olde haunted kite kiosk, huh?

No problem. And how about while I'm at it, I solve 19 more?

[chuckles] You really think you can do that?

I really m*therf*cking do.

That's how cocky I am.

[imitates expl*si*n]

Wow.

Danny really rubbed off on you, huh?

That was by mistake. It was dark.

What?

Nothing.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have 20 ghost cases to solve by myself.

And then you'll probably apologize for doubting me, we will make up, and maybe you'll have made something delicious for dinner.

♪

[knocking]

Danny?

Yo, Dan boy?

It's Pac! Hey, man.

Listen, I was wondering if, uh, maybe... maybe I could borrow that little shortcut device thingy?

You know, the one you showed me?

[moans]

Danny?

Sounds like you're moving up there or something.

You need a hand or anything?

I got two capable ones right here.

[moaning]

Oh, okay. Scratch that.

Sounds like you got some help already.

Think it's, like, super-duper cool that you hired a female mover, by the way.

You know, you're so progressive like that.

It's like of course females can lift heavy sh*t just as well as men, right? Like, duh!

[moaning continues]

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, I think I found it. It's right here!

Danny, I got it. You think it's cool if I borrow it for a couple hours?

[moaning]

Okay, how about this?

Uh, how about moan twice if it's cool if I borrow it.

[moans]

[moans]

Yes! Okay, awesome.

Thank you, Danny! You're the best. [kisses]

Hi there.

Hello, young man.

Oh, my God.

You're the Quaker Oats guy.

What?

Oh, man, I grew up an orphan, so I'm very familiar with your work.

So, what is this, a maple and brown sugar kind of thing?

Or is it more like an Aunt Jemima rivalry or...?

You know what? Doesn't matter.

I'm Benjamin Franklin.

You're the... what, the rice uncle?

I thought he was black.

No! I'm Benjamin Franklin.

The guy on the hundred dollar bill.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

I don't... I don't see a lot of those.

Well, good sir, that is of no consequence.

You see, I require your help in proving a very important scientific theory.

I hypothesized that...

Beautiful.

Ta-da! Oh, this a kite?

Thank you.

Thank you.

♪

Ladies and gentlemen, step right up.

Watch as the Fantastic Jeff amazes you with a never-before-seen illusion of the highest caliber.

I... I'll just need a... a volunteer.

Uh, well, how about you?

Who, me?

You're the only one who seems to somehow be able to see me.

Do you like magic?

I do like magic. In fact, I have a trick right here I think you're gonna love.

[imitates whip cracking]

I... what?

Okay, yeah.

Bravo, Fantastic Jeff.

That's a super neat-o trick you got there, but I'm gonna need that device back, man.

That's not even mine!

Gladly.

I just need some help with something first.

It's some business I left unfinished.

Unfinished? Yeah.

Shocker. Okay, lay it on me.

The year was 1989.

I was at the top of my game.

The premier children's birthday party magician in the entire west Westchester region.

Good for you.

Little boys wanted to be me and little girls wanted the Little Mermaid, but the princesses booked up real fast, so sometimes they got me instead, but they always wound up enjoying themselves.

The point is I was the best.

And now for my final illusion.

I shall travel through space and time.

But first, I need a little help from the birthday boy.

Where... where can I find... [gasps]

Master Gene.

May I borrow your watch?

[chuckling]

The best part of this trick was it wasn't just a hit with the kids.

It was also a hit with the single moms.

[chuckles] You know what I mean.

[choking, gasping]

[groans]

♪

[screaming]

Young Gene never got to see the end of that trick.

Sounds like we gotta track down this Gene guy, right, perform the magic trick, and we're done.

It's that easy.

Yes.

But first, we must find... the box.

♪

Look at that f*cking craftsmanship, will you?

It's f*cking cardboard.

Excuse me? Hi.

How much to rent out your box for the night?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's already reserved.

Okay, well, do you perhaps have something similar in a different color, maybe, or a different material?

No.

Levitating Luigi.

Tell her you're him.

[chuckles] Where is my mind today?

Uh, I'm such a dope.

I do believe that box is actually on hold for me.

You see, I am the great Levitating Luigi.

You're Levitating Luigi, the floating king of New York?

Yes, that is me.

Sometimes I can't even control it.

Yeah, I'm gonna need to see some identification.

Yeah, that's reasonable.

Um, unfortunately, my wallet seems to have disappeared.

A little magician's humor, if you will.

And I think you will.

I won't.

If you're actually Levitating Luigi...

I am.

Then prove it.

Okay.

[inhales, clears throat]

Uh.

[exhales]

[groans]

That's impressive.

Mm-hmm.

I believe you.

♪

Oh, this is great. Hey, how are you?

Uh, I am making a very special meal tonight and I would like to go with your finest rib eye, please.

Although, you know what, hang on.

I'm basically, like... I want...

I want it to look like I put a lot of effort into this meal, like, almost too much effort.

So perhaps the filet would be a better choice.

Is that too romantic?

This is not like a romantic type of engagement.

Uh, perhaps the lamb would be a better choice.

The lamb.

Although, does that have, like, unintended biblical references at all?

That's not what I'm going for and I don't want him to read too much into it.

Basically, I'm just looking for a meal that I can throw in his face.

Not literally. I obviously would like to enjoy the meal together at a certain point, but I kind of want his reaction just to be like, "Oh, sh*t! I can't believe" that I didn't follow through with the thing that I, Pac, so cockily promised that I would.

And, oh, my God, Clyde, you made this amazing meal.

It looks so amazing and delicious and I'm so sorry.

And I don't even like Danny Poker.

I just wanna f*cking forget that this thing ever happened.

Can we please just f*cking forget "that it ever happened?!"

f*ck it, I'm gonna go get some fish.

♪

There he is.

Okay.

[bell jangles]

[whistling]

Can I help you?

Yes, you can.

I'm looking for Gene.

He just stepped into his office.

Oh, good. Okay, well, I'll just head right back there.

Oh, no. I'm sorry, you can't go back there.

He's on a very important conference call.

You're not listening to me. America is way behind when it comes to how we clean our anuses.

Now, the Italians have just launched a bidet that harnesses car-washing technology leaving the butthole so clean, it's hairless.

Hairless, Bob!

Uh, you know what?

I'm just gonna go back there, do a magic trick real quick.

No, no, no, no, no.

Gene hates magic.

What? No!

He loves magic.

He hates magic?

Who hates magic?

I just said.

Gene does. He hates it.

He won't sit through a trick of any kind.

[phone buzzing]

Oh, sorry. Hang on, shut up.

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck. Uh, okay, great.

Thank you for your help, fuckface.

Hey, Danny! What's going on, man?

You know how when you're f*cking a chick without a condom and you're just about to pop and you say, "Bitch, you on the pill?"

And she says, "Yeah, yeah, I'm on the pill.

I want you to come inside me, Danny."

And you do and then it feels f*cking great and then you get that call nine months later, "Danny Poker, you gave me herpes."

Oh.

Bitch shouldn't have trusted me, right?

Yeah, that is not where I thought that was going.

Just like I shouldn't have trusted you.

Okay, Danny, listen. Let me explain.

I take you to Vegas, I let you help me bury a body, I drank mimosas with you at brunch, and this is how you repay me.

By stealing my sh*t!

No, no, no, I didn't steal your sh*t.

I was borrowing your sh*t.

Listen to me very carefully, you piece of sh*t.

You're gonna return my device right now or you're gonna be a ghost.

No, hold on. Danny, you cut out there for a second.

What did you say?

I said bring the device back.

I want you to bring it back.

Oh, no, no, after that.

After that. I heard that part.

I said bring the device here or I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you!

Ah. Oh.

'Kay.

Ah, shut up a-your face.

Ah ha, get off-a the phone.

Buongiorno!

I'm-a here to demonstrate the new Italiano refrigeratore, the Leftover Pasta Keeper 5000!

You were just here a little... dude, just get out of here.

Donald, Donald, that's enough, okay?

Why don't you go take a cigarette break?

You know I don't smoke.

[speaking Italian] Mm-hmm.

Well, if the Italians are treating their fridges with the same inventive tenacity as they are their toilets, sweet mother of Mary, I want in.

Let me see what you got.

Grazie Mille.

Allow me to demonstrate some of its bellissimo features.

Please do.

The Leftover Pasta Keeper 5000 is all about making your life easier, more beautiful.

La dolce vita for you, huh?

You like?

Yeah.

Now, what would you say if I tell you that this fridge can tell you how much milk you have left?

Well, I would be very interested to hear how it can do that.

I bet you would.

Now, I could just tell you, but I'm Italian and we love the theater.

We love il teatro, so I'm gonna show you.

I just need to borrow your watch.

Uh...

Your watch, your watch.

I borrow your watch.

Okay, all right, all right.

And this is gonna help you show me how the fridge keeps track of my milk?

Oh, Si. I take your watch, which I borrow.

I come over here and I step inside of the magic box... step inside of the fridge!

Wait, what the hell?

I step inside of the fridge.

What? No. I'm sorry. No.

No magic, no magic. What are you trying to pull over here?

Do you wanna hear about the milk or not?

I would like to hear about milk, not magic.

[speaking Italian]

You!

You're a lying, thieving magician!

Aha!

This man has stolen my act.

I am the real Levitating Luigi.

Oh, shart, no. Listen, hey, Luigi, buddy?

I... I didn't... I didn't steal your act.

Hey, hey, I thought you said you were Italian.

Aha!

Well, I did.

I did say that, but, guys, this... this is not what it seems, okay?

Oh, so you're saying it's an illusion?

[gasps]

Whoa!

Did you see that? Hoo!

Did you really pull that out of your hat?

Ow! Fart!

What was that?

Ah.

Impressive.

Perhaps I underestimated you.

Perhaps you did.

Ha!

Cha, cha!

What? Ow, ow!

Dude, ow! Okay, dude, I think you scratched my cornmeal.

Stop, stop, stop.

♪

Ha! Oh, f*ck.

f*ck.

[grunts]

[chuckles]

[gags]

Are you gonna throw up?

Ah!

[muttering]

No, no. No, Luigi!

[grunts, coughs]

[grunts] [groans]

I catch you stealing my act again, I will f*cking k*ll you.

[grunts] [groans]

I was already down, you d*ck.

Oh, Gene.

Gene?

What?

Gene, I got a confession to make.

[grunts] I am not an Italian refrigerator salesman.

Yeah, I know.

You're a magician.

Nope, nope.

No, I'm not that either. [groans]

[coughs]

I'm, uh... I'm actually a medium.

And I'm here with the ghost of Fantastic Jeff.

Is that ringing any bells?

What?

Yeah, he was trying to perform a magic trick at your birthday party when he took your watch into that box and then he tried to travel through space and time.

But he d*ed before he could finish the trick and now his ghost can't move on until he does.

But... no, that's not possible.

No, this is all a prank.

That incident, it's in public records.

You could've accessed that very easily.

Yeah, ghosts, they're about as real as magic.

[sighs]

So can you just give me my watch back and leave my store, please?

I...

Oh, sh*t. I think... I think Luigi took it.

All right, you know what? That's it.

I'm calling the cops.

♪

May I borrow your watch?

How?

You see that?

[beeping]

That's what I was looking for.

Thank you.

Wait, wait, wait! No, what about my thing?

If I don't get that back, Danny will k*ll me!

Left breast pocket!

Oh, yes.

Oh.

[kisses]

♪

[knocking] Danny, it's Pac.

Please don't k*ll me, Danny Poker.

I just wanted to borrow it so I could solve a bunch of ghost cases in one day and prove to Clyde that I can do it without him, you know? I mean, is that so crazy?

But I did it.

I solved, like, 20 cases in one day.

It was amazing.

And then this f*cking ghost magician took the thing hostage and I lost control, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

20 cases in one day?

Yeah, maybe more. I don't know.

I don't remember right now because I'm so f*cking scared, Danny.

But I made... I made a lot of money.

Look, I understand if you need to k*ll me, Danny.

I get it. But from one friend to another, I'm asking you, please just do it quick and then send me into the light with your device so I don't have to be a ghost.

Pac.

You know, I feel like maybe I overreacted earlier.

What? What'd you say?

Well, we all make mistakes, right?

Yeah.

Once, I accidentally pushed "yes" on the checkout thing at Whole Foods when it asked if you wanna donate a dollar to that kids' cancer fund.

Oh. Oh, it's the worst, right?

20 ghost cases in one day is pretty f*cking good.

It's pretty f*cking good.

What do you say you and me go into business together?

♪