01x04 - The Restaurant

[bunniefuu]

[Typing, computer beeping in error]

What was the reporter's name?

His name is Billy Evans.

You trusted a dangerous product that you stole from your former company, P.F.R. Industries, with a lifestyle blogger.

He had two bags of the product, and I-I needed them back.

You know, I'm just trying to wrap my mind around why you didn't tell your wife about such a big, life-changing moment.

I was going to Fort Lauderdale to get my job back, okay?

And mark my words, it was going to happen.

So why rock the boat?

Yeah, but you were in the car for 36 hours, and you are just now crossing the south Carolina border.

[Sighs heavily] We weren't making good time.

♪

Why are we back here?

[Weakly] Revenge.

What? On who?

[Vomits]

Oh. Oh, god.

Oh, wow. That's a lot... that's... oh, that's so much.

[Groans] [Muffled voice]

Sweetie, I'm so sorry.

I can't help you right now.

If I smell it, I'm... I'm gonna go, too.

Where's your father? Nate!

I think you need to call the hospital truck.

No, no. Baby, you're gonna be fine. Just use the bag.

[Bag rustling]

[Vomits]

[Screams]

Oh, god!

Mommy!

Get out of the car, baby. Nate! Nate!

It won't open. It won't open! [Handle jiggling]

Crawl in the front. Crawl in the front.

Sweetie, open the door. Please, open the door.

It's stuck! It's stuck!

[Handle continues jiggling]

[Vomits loudly]

Oh, god!

Get me out of here!

Oh, god! Oh... Nate!

Nate, help me!

I can't get it open!

Fonzie it!

What?!

Fonzie!

What is happening?!

[Vomits loudly]

Oh...

Great face.

Man: ♪ somewhere behind the mountains ♪
♪ There is a place I figured out... ♪

[music warps, rewinds]

[Whirring sound]

♪

[cellphone chiming]

Who do you keep texting?

What?

It's nothing. It's... it's work.

That's the 36th billboard I've seen for that place.

Yeah, I wanna colon-ize my dinner.

That actually sounds really good. I'm starving.

Not really in the mood to eat at a culturally insensitive roadside attraction.

Well, you're about 500 years too late on that cause, babe.

What? I'm sorry. Would you let your kids eat at a bagel shop called Schutzstaffel?

Called...

Schutzstaffel.

I don't know what that is.

The S.S. Super Nazis.

k*lled the Jews. Jewish people make good bagels.

That feels pretty culturally insensitive.

What are you talk... they make great bagels.

"They"?

[Stammers]

That's...

Don't.

Jared: I wanna dunk the con-qweest-ador.

Absolutely not. They're trivializing m*rder.

Oh, you know, not everything has to be a talking point.

Sometimes a taco's just a taco.

Not when it comes with a Geno-side of rice.

And if the natives were with them, then maybe, just maybe, they'd only be r*ped and pillaged.

Against them? Forget about it. They were sh*t.

Garroted through the streets, b*rned alive.

And you want to celebrate by eating at a place called Conquistadors?

So...

Conquistadors?

Both: Yay! Yay!

[Chanting] Conquistadors! Conquistadors! Conquistadors! Conquistadors! Conquistadors! Conquistadors!

Man over P.A.: Welcome to conquistadors.

Come for the feast. Stay for the show.

Can't wait to con-quer dinner.

[Chuckles]

I'm gonna pillage the salad bar.

I'm gonna r*pe the sundae station.

Oh, aren't you glad you introduced that word into his lexicon?

Nope.

[Cellphone ringing]

It's cute, though. We should take a picture of this.

Um, hey, I should take this. Can I meet you inside?

[Ringing continues]

Yeah. Sure. Come on. Let's eat.

Uh, hello?

Woman: [Crying] I don't know what to do.

I messed up so bad.

Who is this?

It's Vanessa, you d*ck.

I'm using Marco's phone.

Who's Marco?

He does motocross.

He's in your living room fixing his bike.

Why are you calling me?

[Crying] I k*lled Noonie.

[Sighs]

Yeah, I was giving her a reiki treatment, and I think I overloaded her body with chi.

Oh, you're such a sh*t show.

Yeah. Marco was pleasuring me, and that's a lot of energy to channel into an older cat.

She just stopped breathing.

Oh, my god.

What did you do with her?

I didn't know what to do with her body.

So I put her in the freezer.

[Crying] Oh, god. Robin's gonna hate me.

I need your help, Nate.

Hey.

What's up?

I'll do anything.

Really? Anything?

Well, I'm not sucking you off.

Ew! No!

[Sniffs]

No. I got a job for you.

Okay.

I'll give you a hand job.

No! What's the matter with you?

[Dramatic music playing]

Oh, my god.

Man: The year 1519... brave, Nobel Christian soldiers

landed on the savage coast of ancient Mexico...

[Shouts indistinctly]

In a city called... "Teno-sh*t-lan."

They were called the conquistadors.

These gentlemen of god offered friendship in exchange for gold.

But sadly, the ungrateful heathens clung to their violent customs, forcing the conquistadors' reluctant hands.

[Grunting, screaming]

[Mouths words]

No! No! Aah!

[Cheering, ululating]

[Applause]

Wow. It is actually worse than I thought it would be.

I liked it.

I didn't.

[Robin laughs]

Hey, um...

The cat...

She d*ed.

Oh, god. Vanessa. I-I knew she was gonna screw... she is such a sh*t show.

You know what? It's actually not her fault in this particular situation.

[Groans]

She feels really bad, too.

Poor Noonie.

I know.

If I might offer a few words of comfort.

Thank you. [Sniffles]

I can assure you she's in a much better place now.

Well, by a better place, you mean the freezer, then yeah. [Crunches]

Revenge! Revenge!

[Groaning]

[Mouth full] I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but these small pox-stickers are delicious.

And they've got oysters? [Laughs]

Winner, winner, conquer dinner! [Taps counter]

Oysters! On my plate! That was rude.

That's the shtick here.

No, it's not.

Oysters with an "s."

There's three of us.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

Right.

Sorry about that.

[Cellphone ringing]

Mm.

Billy, hi, man. Um...

Listen, I-I...

Nate Parker.

Yeah, sorry about all the texts, but I gotta talk to you about, uh, those packages that I left you.

Yeah, just give me a second, dude.

Oh, they smell like the bottom of the ocean.

[Whispers] Just brave bites.

Man, so you really got me pumped about doing good journalism stuff.

I mean, I even bought a book about it, and I've almost started reading it.

That's... Terrific, man.

But like I said, uh, I'm gonna need that package back.

Oh, hey. Can you hold on for a sec?

[Kissing sounds]

Did you black out last night?

No.

I should've taken the dr*gs UYB... up your bum.

♪

It was a 23-year relationship.

And now it's just gone forever. [Sniffles]

What happens when we die?

Does it just, like, go black and then nothing?

No. Heavens, no. What... what was your kitty's name?

It was...

It was Noonie.

Noonie. I like that name.

Noonie's gone to a place with ample sunbeams to nap in, limitless bags to climb in, and scratching posts the size of skyscrapers.

Are there mice up there for her?

Yeah!

Big, fat, tuna-stuffed ones that run real slow.

Actually, um, sweetie, the reason that we haven't talked to you about this is because we would like for you guys to gather up all the empirical scientific proof and form your own opinion about whether you believe that kitty cat heaven does, or... Mostly likely, does not exist.

Well, lucky for Noonie... She believes.

[Gasps] Oh, my god.

Jesus loves Noonie.

Eh... Careful.

Here you go.

Seriously, dude, what do I have to do to get a normal-sized serving of oysters?

Well, sir, as a... ow!

Whoa!

Aztecs don't twerk.

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Stage is that way.

Whoo, whoo!

Bye-ee.

Hey, Parker. Naughty Nate, you with me, chief?

Yeah. Yeah, still here.

Hey, sorry about that.

That's all right.

[Women whooping]

So believe it or not, this story's kinda big.

Uh, yeah, I do believe it, 'cause I gave you the story.

[Whooping continues]

And that is why I am sending someone to come collect the product.

I hear that, dude, and respect, man, respect.

But this stuff here is something called "cor-borating" evidence.

That's not how you pronounce it.

Women: Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!

So... Looks like I gotta keep it.

[Ululating]

What is it I'm doing that makes you think I'm enjoying this?

Let me know 'cause I'll stop doing it.

[Women continue chanting]

That's... Very r*cist.

[Women ululating]

Conquistadors Colonize your dinner!

♪ We won ♪
♪ We won ♪

[Clink]

♪ Now god's work is done ♪
♪ We won ♪
♪ We won ♪
♪ Let's enjoy ♪
♪ Teno-sh*t-lan ♪
♪ In Jesus' name, we tamed the savages ♪

Listen to me, man, the product, it's irrelevant to the story.

Okay? That's why I need it back.

Your boss made it seem pretty important.

I mean, you said he really wanted it back.

You called my boss?

♪ ...our soul from sacrifice and... ♪

Oh, my god. You... hey, dude. Just hold on one second again.

Do not put me on hold!

♪ Our skin from brown to white ♪

[Sings operatically] ♪ white ♪

You are honestly the worst journalist I have...

♪ We won ♪
♪ We won ♪
♪ Now god's work is done ♪
♪ We won ♪
♪ We won ♪

[mouths words]

You wanted to come here.

♪ Let's enjoy Teno-sh*t-lan ♪

Women: ♪ and now they fill our wombs with life ♪

Nate bone, are you there? Why would you call my boss?

To check my sources.

I was your source!

♪ Teno-sh*t... ♪

Oh!

♪ LAN... ♪

Whoo!

[Women caw]

You got me fired.

♪

Hey!

[Cheers and applause]

We won!

Hey! Hey! Praise him!

Hallelujah! He has spoken. We won!

And, lord Jesus, thank you for this bacon, which, at times, can be a little salty.

Oh, that's nice. Praying for a meal.

How come we never do that?

Well, if you wanna thank somebody, why don't you thank me?

I make you dinner every night, and I actually exist.

And, lord Jesus, my light and savior, I wanna pray for one of your lambs who has gone astray.

[Sighs]

Maybe she one day see the folly of her blind, ignorant ways.

Stop. Please, don't. Don't pray for me.

She knows not what she says.

Oh, no. She knows exactly what she says.

Unlike your long-suffering wife here.

Please, don't listen.

I am not...

Gladys, damn it! Let me finish.

Please spare this mouthy femin-atheist from boiling in the lake of eternal fire. Amen.

Praise him. Let's eat.

Okay, great. Yeah, you know, two can play this game.

Come here. Give me your hands.

It's not a game.

Dear Jesus, I would like to lodge a complaint against one of your very condescending disciples.

You're being so disrespectful.

I am?

Yes.

Delilah, it's okay. I'm a minister.

The lord took my call first. She's call number 666.

[Scoffs]

She's gonna be on eternal hold.

[Imitates busy signal buzzing]

That's not what it sounds like.

Who dare dunk the conquist-ador?

Man: Puny Aztec, you will never penetrate his armor.

Ha ha ha ha! Again!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Take that thing off your head.

Don't you realize how offensive that is?

Don't distract me. If I dunk this guy, I win this really cool hat.

Just gotta hit the little chink in the armor.

Wow. Are you kidding me with that sh*t?

Hey, buddy.

Do not talk that way to my son.

You mean your r*cist son?

Oh, sh*t, no.

Oh, sh*t, yes.

No, no, no. No, no.

H-he was... He meant...

Yeah, what?

N-not...

Oh, yeah? Yeah, say it, man.

I'm not gonna say it in that context.

Well, you shouldn't say it in any context. It's r*cist.

[Explosions]

[Patrons murmuring]

[Touchscreen clicking]

Delilah, you know, it takes more faith to not believe in something than it does to believe.

Oh. But I'm not gonna blame the acorn for growing in the shade of the oak tree.

There. I just became a minister, too, on my phone.

[Fanfare playing]

I guess Jesus is gonna take my call now, huh?

Hey, Jesus, what's up? Can you rain down some frogs or locusts or whatever bullshit you can whip up to get this guy off my ass? Thanks.

[Chuckles] It's fine. I won.

[Explosions continue]

Please, do not call my son a r*cist.

The r*cist doesn't fall too far from the r*cist tree.

Okay, hey, you're wearing armor.

That's the one time you can use it. It's the expression.

[Explosions continue]

What about weakness in the armor?

That's an expression.

No, it's not.

You could say, "opening in the armor."

Yeah, you could. People don't.

What about "hole"?

A hole. "Hole" is great. "Hole" doesn't involve you...

Oh... Spouting a dictionary-defined racial slur, which apparently your father hasn't taught you is what racists do.

[Touchscreen clicking]

Yeah, okay, and the first dictionary definition of that word is...

Oh, great, you're that guy?

"A narrow opening or cr*ck, as in... in someone's armor."

No.

I am not a r*cist, all right?

I'm a crusader for the little guy.

We don't need people like you. I meant...

I meant the underrepresented.

Uh-huh.

[Explosions continue]

Yeah, look, I didn't even wanna come here 'cause it's inappropriate.

How is this inappropriate?

Are you kidding me?

All of your Aztec dancers are white.

So what?

We're celebrating the liberation of an oppressed people.

You're celebrating genocide, okay?

[People murmuring]

Am I losing my mind here?

No, no, you are not.

Thank you.

We common sense folk need to stick together.

We do.

We're all walking on eggshells, and over what? Words?

Exactly. Words. They're just words!

We have to examine the intent behind them.

It's like we can't say anything anymore.

I mean, first we couldn't say "yellow."

Mm.

Then we couldn't say "oriental."

Next, you're gonna tell me we can't say "ching-Chong."

[Scoffs]

Yeah. You can... you can never say that.

Well, then, hell, what am I supposed to call him?

Yeah, you could just call me by my name.

Yeah, which is...

Which is Brian.

No. How do I describe him?

There's a guy right there named Brian.

Thank you.

Oh, can we even use "Brian" anymore?

Or is that only something that Brians call each other?

What?

Nate. Nate, what the hell?

Babe, thank god. Back me up here.

What... what do you call this right here?

What? His chest?

No, no, no. The hole in the armor.

A hole.

No. No. The expression, babe.

I don't know! I-I... a weakness in the armor?

No! It's a chink.

Whoa!

Crowd: Ohh!

Oh, my god! Nate. Why would you say that?

No. He's talking about the chink in the armor, who apparently prefers to be called "Brian."

[Crowd gasps]

Lady, shut the [Bleep] up.

Shut up!

Nate, Nate, Nate, Nate.

Just, please, say you're sorry and let's go.

No, I'm not apologizing. Okay? Because I'm right!

You know what word you shouldn't call people?

Is "r*cist," okay? 'Cause it makes you feel, like, this big.

That's it.

What's it?

Oh, dude, dude. No, no. No! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[Crowd screams and gasps]

He can't swim!

[Crowd clamoring]

I accept your challenge, Jesus.

[Crowd shouting indistinctly and screaming]

Come to me, little man! Come into my arms for Jesus.

[Crowd clamoring]

Minister: Baptism is real! Come into my arms!

[Applause]

I saved the little baby Jesus!

You okay?

Yes.

Do we need to call a session of family court?

No. Family court is to decide what TV show to watch, not to decide whether or not I'm some sort of angry old white guy.

Well, the court says you have power over one of those things.

I heard the whole thing, and I think dad was right.

Yeah, your dad likes to think he's right.

Since you weren't there from the beginning and you don't have any empirical scientific proof, maybe it's worth believing in dad for once.

Yeah, okay. Well, I see what you're doing.

Let's say... just say for argument's sake, I do believe your father's right.

Don't you think your rightness comes at a heavy price?

What price?

Your children's happiness?

My happiness. Yours.

Or maybe just finishing dinner?

The prosecution rests.

♪

[groans]

You okay, pal?

No. I feel really bad.

Why? What's wrong?

I think it was the thing at the restaurant.

Oh.

[Groans]

Yeah, I feel pretty bad about that, too.

What do I always tell you guys?

If a word hurts somebody's feelings, you just don't say it.

Yeah. My guts are all twisted up.

Yeah, you know what that is? That's guilt.

God, I should've just apologized.

I think I need to let it out.

You know what, pal?

[Moaning]

I think I do, too.

[Moans]

♪

[yawns loudly]

Hey, buddy.

Hey, man. Hey, guy.

Uh, Brian. Hey. Oh, hey.

What are you doing here, man?

I... I'm... listen, I got something to say to you.

You know, I actually have something to say to you.

Yeah, me, too. I-I...

Can I finish, please?

You know, I feel like I didn't effectively communicate my point.

Mm-hmm.

I feel like I should've said you were culturally insensitive instead of r*cist, even though, that's what you were being.

Well... yeah, because if you say the word "r*cist," it just shuts down the conversation.

You know, you get so defensive, you can't even hear what I'm trying to say.

Mm-hmm.

And all I'm trying to say is the word hurts my feelings.

Yeah.

[Weakly] Montezuma.

Why are we back here?

Revenge.

What?

[Screaming, explosions]

[Voice echoing] Revenge.

[Thud]

For three days, we've been serving people shells full of decomposing flesh.

[Shouting and screaming]

For the record, a little more to Montezuma's storyline than fecal urgency.

[Growls]

[Stomach gurgling]

I mean, I work at an I-95 rest stop, all right?

D-do you have a bathroom I can use?

It's like, oh, I hear that word like 50 times a day.

I'm... I'm sorry.

Dude, dude, dude, I'm so sorry. [Unzips pants]

You see? That's all I wanted to hear.

Yeah.

Thank you.

[Flatulence]

Hey, what the...

Hello?

Oh, sh*t.

[Flatulence, liquid splatters]

What are you doing?

Oh, my god!

Ew!

I'm sorry.

There's a bathroom like 20 feet away!

I didn't have time to get there!

[Liquid splatters]

Did you come back here to sh*t on my restaurant?

I didn't.

[Flatulence, liquid splatters]

Oh, my god.

Don't look at me!

I'll do the rest behind those bushes.

Nate! Help me! I can't get it open!

Fonzie it!

What?!

Fonzie! Oh, sh*t! Ohh!

[Flatulence, liquid splatters]

Oh, really?!

Oh, yeah.

You're sh1tting on my car, too?!

I forgot it was your car!

It's the only car in the lot!

[Liquid continues flowing]

I'm sorry!

Sorry? Too late for sorry!

[Groans]

[Liquid splatters]

How do I make this right?

There's no way to make this right!

[Flatulence, liquid splatters]

Man!

I-I can buy some merchandise! Do you have any toilet paper?!

Robin: What is happening?!

[Water whooshing, liquid splatting]

[Coughing]

Oh, oh!

Why did you use your sleeves?

Why didn't you just use your socks?

I did. Okay?

I used everything I had.

You wanna switch places?

No.

No, I didn't think so.

Conquistador cast: ♪ Teno-sh*t-lan hey ♪

Man: What do you want?!

♪

Billy Evans?

Which one of you overprivileged white kids is Billy Evans?

Yeah, over here.

Okay. We're from P.F.R. Industries.

Yep.

You're in possession of stolen property that we're here to collect.

Oh, I'm sorry, girl. There's this little thing called reporter's privilege. Yeah, look it up. I did.

This is going to go a lot easier if you just give it to us.

Yeah, do you have a warrant, old man?

Oh, what's that? You don't? Oh, suck on my first amendment.

Come on, Morris.

Yeah, why don't you do your homework next time?

Wikipedia the constitution.

I don't like him.

Men: ♪ hey ♪

Yeah, that's right. I'm a Maverick.

Billy Evans?

[Footsteps approach]

Um...

Yeah?

[Snaps fingers]

Listen to me. I'm in some really deep sh*t right now.

And my only way out is for you to give me what Nate Parker gave you.

Look, I'm gonna say the same thing I said to those guys. I'm a journalist.

I'm not gonna let you and your chain g*ng come...

Lo tengo. Vámonos.

Hey. I'm sorry you got mixed up in this.

But you have to understand.

I'm a m*rder*r.

[Whispers] What?

[Sighs]

A m*rder*r?

A m*rder*r just walked in here.