03x02 - The Choice

[bunniefuu]

Dana: Gary, are you working on the night of our eighth month-iversary?

Please don't tell me you're doing that face.

I am doing that face.

Come on. You know...

(Phone ringing)

Hold on.

Hey, Gary, honeymoons rule.

"The Dirty Dozen" is on and we're eating chips from bowls perched on each other's bellies.

Sounds great, Mike.

We put a penny in a jar every time we have sex.

We've already got like 15 in there.

Did you call me to talk dirty about your honeymoon?

Dana: I can talk dirty.

That's okay.

Wendy got the heads up POTUS's bodyman is quitting.

Marty? What, did he get sick or something?

Hm-mm. Law school. You gonna go for it?

I don't wanna be a guy in his 40s carrying a bag.

I've got ideas. I could advise Selina on stuff.

I've got plenty of things I can tell her.

Hey, gotta go. Telly Savalas is gonna k*ll some Nazis.

When did you get your dad's face?

(Sirens wailing)

Amy: The world only just heard POTUS isn't running again so obviously we're not here and this doesn't exist.

Your campaign office.

What are these? These are the stables?

Well, it's gonna get spruced up.

Hello, hello, this is it, this is it.

(Chuckles)

It is. How are you?

Hi.

I'm afraid I don't know who you are.

I'm Kelly.

Hi, Kelly.

I'm working on your campaign.

Great.

And I'll be taking photographs today.

Amy Brookheimer. You've been in touch with my...

The men's toilet is busted, so...

Here we are.

Wow, here you are. See, now, I thought that I had left you 750 miles ago.

Ma'am, I'm going to follow you wherever you go.

I'm going to be like a Disney animal.

Is there a space set aside for the campaign manager?

Not yet.

Could I have two seconds of your time?

Sure thing.

I don't know why Richard is here.

You said he was really good on the book tour.

No, I was trying to keep you from worrying about me.

Oh.

You're welcome.

I'll ditch him.

Selina: Yeah, right.

Are you going on the coast guard boat?

I'll learn to swim especially.

No, I meant...

Oh, my God. What is your name? I'm so sorry.

It starts with a K.

No, could you just tell me?

It's Kelly.

Kelly, right.

So, you're coming on the boat, that's why you have the camera.

So, then, Richard, you're gonna need to stay here.

Okay, well, you're in good hands.

Kelly and I go way back. She's like another me.

This doesn't work. Good.

This is a night patrol with the coast guard, so it's great pre-campaign campaigning.

I need a wipe.

No, no. Hey.

Ma'am, I've actually got a few ideas...

You know, ma'am, I was thinking...

I might skip the boat.

What?

Yeah, and just hang back here, do a little pre-prep.

Why would that be, Dan? Is that a pre-stabbing in my pre-back?

I think I'm gonna need you just in case we make a drug bust or something and I need some sort of...

(snaps) snappy one-liners.

Uh, "The only laundering" you're gonna be doing from now on is gonna be prison blankets."

That's kind of clever.

Richard: "The only cr*ck you're going to see" belongs to some guy in a shower."

Don't... don't be cute.

Selina: Oh, my God.

So, here... it begins here, "in this Polish dungeon."

(Laughter)

Hey, ma'am, about the campaign, I had an idea.

Here you go.

Instead of doing this pre-campaigning, sometime in the next 24 hours, you grab a mic, you say, "I'm Selina Meyer and I'm running for President of the United States."

I'm just gonna use the bathroom really quick.

It's way too early. You don't announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm.

The basic thing...

(Door slams)

That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral.

There's a little trick to it.

The trick would be to move it.

You're right, and I sure will.

You would have her start her campaign with no strategy, no money, no staff... except for "Superman" and "Wonder Woman" over there... just "I wanna be president."

Ma'am, I don't know if you heard what he was saying...

No, I didn't hear what he was saying.

But I agree with Dan, okay?

And I completely appreciate your ideas, Gary.

No matter how dumb they are.

Let's go. The coasts won't guard themselves.

Let me tell you what we need to do.

They intercepted an individual untracked vessel, suspicious cargo. They're requesting backup.

Is it a drug boat?

We're looking into it, ma'am.

That's a stroke of luck.

I'm gonna do a short, little video thing.

Okay.

The dr*gs stop here.

Oh!

No, no, don't say anything right after, 'cause it ruins it.

Got it.

The dr*gs stop here.

We need to go, ma'am.

Yes, yes. Just one second.

"They stop here"... firm.

The dr*gs stop here.

Gary: Nice.

Thank you.

This definitely does not do video.

I'm sorry?

Then what were you doing?

Perfect.

Amy: Use your common sense next time.

You just gonna sit there, "SpongeBob"?

Just got to take a seat for a second, okay?

We haven't even shoved off.

I know, I know.

I'm not great on boats, okay?

Are you getting "pre-sick"?

Get downstairs.

(Belches)

Gary: It's "below deck."

Come on, Egan, God damn it.

Oh!

Mikey, honey, look who I found in a basket at our front door.

Jonah, what are you doing here?

What's up, Mike? You gonna introduce me?

Uh, yeah. Walt, Randall, this is Sasquatch.

The edible garbage is out back in the alley.

What's up, y'all punk-ass b*tches? I'm Jonah Ryan.

Wow, "b*tches." All right, we're gonna have dinner soon.

And then I taped "The Great Escape" for later.

Oh, 17?

17.

So wrap it up soon.

So, you're probably bumming you can't be out on that boat in Baltimore Harbor with the Veep, huh?

Honeymoon.

Yeah.

Hey, is she going to her campaign headquarters in Maryland after?

Yeah... but it's not a campaign office.

It's a real estate acquisition.

Oh, yeah. Of course, right.

Keep it quiet.

A PAC-quisition, huh?

Big man, up top. For the win.

Hey, Mike, serious talk.

The reason I'm here is because I'm opening up a consulting firm and I want you on board.

Consulting on what?

How to delete your Internet search history?

Wendy: So, Jonah, heard you got canned.

Yeah.

But you know what? It was for the best.

I was telling Mike about it. It's gonna be called "Ryantology."

DC insider turns DC outlaw, energizing democracy, taking from the powerful and giving to the pitiful.

Know what I'm saying?

Why are you at our house, then?

Maybe he needs a start-up.

Remember that random dude who used to hang out on our street asking Mom for money?

That was Mike.

(Laughs)

Very funny. Good one, guys.

You know what, honey? I am gonna replace your lemonade with an ice-cold beer.

Grazie.

You've got her well trained already, Mike.

Your business model sucks. I'm out.

Hey, Wendy, if you're grabbing beers, would you mind grabbing...

Okay, that's fine.

Remain still, sir. Hands where we can see them.

Wow. We need to get a photo of me with him surrendering. Is that wrong to do that?

No, it's just a shame they couldn't arrest someone a little more photogenic.

We can just pixelate him... the face.

That's fine.

I have no idea how to do that.

Hey, I voted for you!

Thank you very much, sir, but I'm afraid you have to go to prison!

Ma'am, we need to get back. POTUS has made a statement.

What? What now?

Officer: Sir, can you explain this?

Selina: Gary.

Gary: You gotta get a sh*t of this.

Ma'am...

Swords. He's got swords.

f*ck the swords. POTUS just announced that he's now pro-life.

What?

Our POTUS? The POTUS?

Institute of Medical Ethics after-dinner speech...

20-week cutoff!

He's pro-choice! Now all of a sudden, he's pro-life?

They're already calling him "PRO-TUS," which is stupid because both sides have "pro" at the start.

Selina: Gary!

Yeah.

Go get Dan!

He's downstairs.

"Below deck," Amy. You gotta say, "below deck."

Amy: He says, "Maybe it's time we give back" a little freedom to those who cannot choose."

Okay, Amy, I do not mean to sound paranoid, but he is trying to k*ll me.

Both: We need to turn this boat around.

Right, exactly. We gotta figure out what I'm gonna say.

Yeah, I just gotta... (Belches)

We are pro-choice, but we're not controversial, right?

Yeah, they got first trimester, second trimester, third trimester...

You're listing trimesters. Stop it!

Let's go downstairs and figure out what we're gonna say.

It's below deck! We gotta go below deck!

We've got to figure this out. Come on.

Hi, Sue. Is the vice president around?

She is not, sir. She's on a coast guard boat meeting and greeting fish.

Ah, the salty sea.

Sue, forgive me, but have you altered your hair, perhaps?

I got it chemically relaxed. It was enormously painful.

Well, it seems to be working for you.

Thank you.

(Ringtone chimes)

Damn it. The president's gone rogue.

Sue, apologies. We will continue our pleasant chat at a later date.

Abortion calls.

Ben: Ma'am, I swear to God, we all thought he was gonna just eat some shrimp, rattle off a few platitudes, go home, watch "Full Metal Jacket" for the millionth time and fall asleep.

Kelly, tell Mike to climb off his wife and get on the speakerphone, now.

Do you know what this is?

Let me explain something to you.

This is POTUS trying to screw me, okay?

This is the unflushable turd that is left in the can for the next person... e.g., me.

The toilet's still broken, FYI.

Amy: Has POTUS gone nuts?

We can't have a crazy president.

In Italy they do.

We have to get all of the special interest groups in.

Right, we have to bring them all in, and I'll listen the sh*t out of every one of those morons.

Ben: This issue is toxic. So keep the groups apart... pro-choice in the morning, pro-life in the afternoon so nobody sh**t any doctors.

Ma'am, listen, you're going to end up pissing somebody off.

It's better to just take a stand now.

Putting through Mike.

Mike: Hi, guys. How was that coast guard boat, huh?

That's my bad.

Just put it through on this one.

Incompatibility issues.

Just bring it over here, please.

Hang on, Mike.

Hello?

It doesn't reach.

Selina: Would you please move?

Kelly: Yes.

You hold this here.

Mike: Were you on an RB-M or an RB-S II?

We really can't talk about the boat right now, because, Mike, we're trying to figure out how I think about this issue.

Okay.

The "Post" wants to know if you've changed your stance on abortion...

Re: POTUS.

Yeah.

So you could say, "As a woman I believe..."

No, no, no! No, no, no!

I can't identify myself as a woman.

People can't know that. Men hate that.

And women who hate women hate that... which I believe is most women, don't you agree with that?

Yes, and, ma'am, we should bag this up and take it back to DC.

Mike: Good idea.

Yeah. Right.

Oh, Jonah knows we opened a campaign office.

He came by my house... Wendy's house.

You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house?

Ben: And you didn't sh**t him?

Mike: Oh, hey, Ben, I didn't know you were on the phone.

I swear to God, I felt better on the f*cking boat.

Ma'am, didn't you write something about abortion in your book?

Good point. Good point.

Oh! Yeah. Good, Gary.

Where's the book? Does anybody have a copy of the book here?

Guys, who has a copy?

What did she write?

You know what? I have a bunch of unsold ones in my car.

Mike: Honey, is Selina's book in the bathroom?

Okay, here we go... "Abbey Road... Abolition... Aboriginal mask..."

Mike: Page 135.

Oh, this is it.

"Freedom is what this nation is built on..." blah, blah, blah...

"and freedom means the freedom to choose how to use that freedom to protect the freedom of others."

Sorry, that's just pastel-colored sh*t.

It's gotta be more clear than that.

You make it very clear you're pro-choice.

Mike: Okay, I got it... "Freedom is what this nation..."

Done it, Mike. It's gonna come down to the cutoff week.

It always does.

There's two doors, okay?

Pro-choice, pro-life.

Yeah.

There's no point in rattling the handles on either one of them.

You just gotta pick a door and walk through it.

Ma'am, Kent Davison called.

There was an issue with the patch-through... It doesn't matter.

Message... "Urgent, have booked you to appear on 'GMA' at 7:00."

I'm sorry, what did you just say?

Give me this, God damn it.

He said 7:00 a.m.?

It's "Good Morning America," Amy.

The clue is in the title.

Ame, can we...?

We can't unbook you.

No, no. That would look bad.

Ben: Jesus. f*cking Kent.

(Beeps)

I can't listen to that "Joan Crawford" bitch about "Bette Davis" any longer.

Well, this is POTUS, you know?

This is the president trying to tell me what to do.

He can't do that. I'm Vice President of the United States.

That's right. That's right. And as vice president, here's your choice... two doors, pro-choice, pro-life. That's it.

Is there a third door?

What, like a woman's door?

A back door? No.

Gary: A trapdoor?

This is Jonah Ryan and you are witnessing the birth of "Ryantology."

Old media like "The Washington Toast" better go run and hide in the bathroom and join "The Poo York Times."

Because we are cutting in.

I'm going to be updating more than I'm actually dating, which is a shitload.

First up, abortion.

And now that the president's given his "State of the Uterus" address, where will the others fall in?

We have Maddox. He's conservative.

Chung, he's liberal.

But where does Selina Meyer stand?

The first call could rule them all.

How do I turn this off?

Just hit the red button.

There are two. There's one on the side.

Just the one in the middle.

Why do I gotta deal with this pile of ass in the middle of the night?

Because we need to get first dibs on a statement.

Well, you know what I think. I'm a Christian.

I'm not going to deny that.

Please, do not go religious.

Go ambiguous.

By saying what?

"Blah, blah, blah, blah... abortion, blah, blah blah blah"?

Sounds good to me.

Well, you fill in the "blahs."

I'm going back to bed.

Sue: Okay, ma'am, you have the AMA/ACOG, West Wing, 1:30 a.m.

Planned Parenthood at 2:30 a.m. in the EEOB to avoid a clash.

Unflabby precision. Excellent.

Okay, how about this... "A woman has autonomy" over her own body.

"But the rights of an unborn ch..." uh, I thought I had it there.

Maybe I should just say, "Get the government out of my f*ckin' snatch," you know?

How many pressure groups do we have in all, Sue?

Pro-life, 45.

Pro-choice, about the same.

Is there a "pro-I don't give a sh*t" lobby?

Yeah. You're looking at him.

I got posters, buttons... not really, 'cause I don't give a sh*t.

If men got pregnant, you could get an abortion at an ATM.

Let's state the obvious.

If I say that I am pro-life, then I'm a traitor to my sex.

If I say that I'm pro-choice, then I'm a traitor to the president.

Which makes me an actual traitor, by the way.

You know that?

Yeah, but it already happened, okay?

I can't get POTUS to wave his transvaginal wand and make it all go away.

Ma'am, your gender is worth at least double on this issue.

Data's right. As a woman, you can really kick ass.

As a woman, I am not gonna put in a f*ckin' sentence, "as a woman."

I'm not putting my eggs in that basket.

All right, I'll start polling... Nice dress.

It's a skirt and top.

Even better.

Okay, so are we gonna say screw polling and just pick a number or both, or what?

God, it's not that simple, Dan.

Yes, Gary, it is.

Have you seen the graph?

Yeah.

How could we get it all on the graph, Gary, if it wasn't that simple?

It isn't that simple, all right?

This is about access to safe abortions for vulnerable women.

It is a serious issue.

Yeah.

I've laid out a line of fruit for you.

What is this?

It's the size of the baby in different stages during pregnancy.

It would take a brain about this size to think that's this sh*t's useful.

This is not helpful at all.

And you need to stop calling these things babies.

Okay, I was thinking we need to get the number of weeks and the interest groups up on a...

Oh, good. Nice job.

Holy sh*t. Maddox is about to issue a statement in five.

At 1:00 in the morning? What's his statement gonna be?

"I have to go to the bathroom"?

Reggie: Rachel Hordenthal from Planned Parenthood is heading to EEOB at 2:30 a.

Boom, boom, shake-shake the womb!

Selina's calling in the contraceptistas!

We're gonna blog this sh*t to f*ck.

Mark, get a screen grab of that fetus from the end of 2001, all right?

Send it to me.

Maddox has just made a statement.

What is it?

"Science may give us the map, but we are lost without morality's compass."

"The right to free speech includes the right to free thought."

"I can't in all conscience politicize this as an issue."

Ah.

Jesus, what a talking gas giant.

It's like listening to Jupiter.

Selina: Well, he f*cking fudged it.

So now we know he's running for president. That stupid bastard.

Ma'am, Maddox said nothing, but at least he said something.

We've literally said nothing.

Meanwhile, that sh*t shovel-faced f*ckin' Jonah is telling people you're feeling out options. We need to pick a number.

No, I know, but I need to get clarity here.

I'm not feeling it.

I was clear.

I was clear. We just need to pick a f*cking number, any f*cking number. Give that f*cking number to the f*cking press, and go to f*cking bed! How much more clarity do you need?

You want to put it on a T-shirt? Come on!

(Sue whistles)

I'm so sorry. I did not mean to blow up like that.

Well, um...

I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the f*ck out of you.

Shall I print that up on a T-shirt that I could give to you?

This whole thing has got me on edge.

I was puking my brains out on that boat for hours.

Jonah's got me absolutely homicidal.

I'm sorry.

Uh-huh.

You need to apologize.

He did apologize.

You need it in writing!

Look, I love abortion, okay?

I am an abortionado.

But I would go pro-life in a fetal f*cking heartbeat if it meant winning.

You're suggesting that you would like me to be a hypocrite like Maddox?

Okay, so you need to go home.

Yes, ma'am.

Moving on... and Dan may be quite soon... someone needs to go get Cardinal Branzini.

Oh, my God. The Catholics next.

Madam Vice President, Cardinal Branzini.

Madam Vice President.

Oh, Cardinal.

Am I in the right room?

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oop, excuse you.

Sorry. Excuse me.

I'd love to take you into the inner sanctum.

How very Dan Brown. (Chuckles)

This way, Cardinal, thank you.

Selina: Come on in.

Here's something else to sew into your giant f*cking crazy quilt.

Jonah is now telling people that Selina's meeting with Planned Parenthood.

Go home. Take an Ambien. Take 50.

She's talking to everyone. I think the Amish are coming in next.

I'm going home. And if anybody needs me, I don't care.

'Night.

We need to get in Rachel what's-her-face from Planned Parenthood.

Gary, could you finesse that for me?

Yes, yes. Whoo! I thought you were going to say Sue.

I don't need an enhanced role to know my worth, Gary.

Mike, I need you to steer in Cunningham.

He's pro-life, so keep him away from Rachel or he'll k*ll her.

Copy.

Sue, help Kent finish polling now.

Okay, but if he touches my hair, I'm calling the police.

Okay.

I don't need my bag.

I don't need my bag.

I don't need my bag.

I really did want to see you first, Your Excellency, because I wanted to get a little extra time with you.

Let me just do one quick thing, excuse me.

Make sure you cancel everything, please, so I can get plenty of time with the cardinal.

Okay? Yeah.

Okay, so now the phones have taken a vow of silence.

(Selina laughing)

Okay, we're right this way.

That is a gorgeous color on you, by the way.

Thank you. So where is the VP's thinking on this?

Thinking... There's a lot of numbers being thrown out.

Speaking of numbers, there's over 30,000 tiles...

That's not really the kind of numbers I'm talking about.

Okay, you know what? It's actually this way.

Did you find the place okay?

Rachel: Are you lost?

No. This is what we call the "grub hub."

I'll see you at St. Stephen's on Sunday.

Excellent.

Great.

(Whispers) Oh, my God.

Uh, thank you for your service.

Oh, of course, yes. I have the vice president right here.

Ma'am, I have the ACCDP on the line for you.

I'm gonna put you on speaker.

Woman: Hello?

Hello.

(Whispering) Who are they?

The Anti... no, the Anti-Abortion... no, the Association of... it's in my phone.

Woman: Can you hear me?

Yes, I can. I can.

Madam Vice President. It's such an honor.

Thank you so, so much.

You know, I really did want to speak with you first because I wanted to make sure that we got a little extra time to talk together.

Woman: Frankly, ma'am, our position hasn't changed one inch.

Uh, well, you know what?

It's a matter of conviction for me, too.

Pro-life.

They're pro-choice.

I think our position's pretty clear from the title of our organization.

Oh, yeah, of course.

ACCDP.

Oh, my God.

God, the lighting is so unflattering.

Can I ask you a question? Are you hiding from someone?

(Chuckles) Aren't we all hiding from somebody?

I'm gonna make a quick call.

Really quick, just really quick.

One second. So sorry.

God!

(Whispers) Get your sh*t together, Gary.

You can do this. You can do this.

Um...

Excuse me for just a minute.

I realize that life is precious.

(Stammers) "And so are the hard-won freed... freedoms..."

Oh, thank God.

Woman: Thank you, ma'am.

Selina: Thank you. Bye-bye.

Good-bye.

She was from the A-D-CCP. Sorry.

And who are they?

I'm not quite sure.

Oh.

It's in my phone.

See that, ma'am?

I've got Cunningham. I know, he's pro-choice.

Both: Life!

Got it.

Okay, we're good. Yeah.

Rachel: Good?

Okay, that's good. I don't need any help.

Gary: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You like music?

I suppose. Why?

The new McCartney is worth checking out.

Right now, or can it wait?

It can wait.

You're in here. (Gasps)

(Sighs) The vice president will see you now...

It's probably better if we go in separately, wouldn't you think?

Your right to choose, Amy.

The vice president will see you now, Mr. Cunningham.

Pleasure to meet you.

I've got some free lunch passes if you'd like...

Listen. I've worked in DC for 10 years, and I've never been treated like this.

Bundled around like a refugee?

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna back your boss, I always have.

But you need to quit this job...

I know. and find something you're halfway decent at.

Thank you. Yeah. Thank you so much.

If this footage looks kinda like "Cloverfield," it's not because my hand's shaking, it's because a f*cking earthquake just hit DC!

You feeling the heat, Old Media?

Because it's three strikes and...

(puffs) you're out.

Tell them I'm coming in for 50.

They hung up.

You know what? f*ck HuffPo.

They should be called "Puff Ho"

'cause Arianna Huffington is a straight-up ho and all they do is puff pieces.

Wait... Request from MSNBC.

They want you on at 7:00 a.m. They're gonna send a car.

(Laughs) Got it!

Ma'am, Chung's statement. 10 minutes early.

Pulled a few strings from my buddies down at...

Please tell us about the strings, Mike, don't tell us what's in it.

Oh, sarcasm. That's an interesting strategy for a potential campaign manager, Amy.

Apologies. Rewind.

Get the f*ck on with it, Mike. She's got a point.

Oh, sorry. Just printed it. Haven't read it.

Literally was trying to read it when I was running, so I couldn't do either.

Okay, here we go. "First let me say I commend the president's clarity..."

Skip that part.

"Advances in science have brought us to a moral conundrum..."

"I believe a 22-week cutoff is appropriate."

Has anyone ever come up with that number before?

Never.

We're going to need a bigger melon.

Selina: Dan was right. I've got to pick a number.

Okay, well, obviously we can just go anywhere now without going over 40.

Half weeks? 22 and a half weeks.

"22 and a half weeks" sounds like an erotic thriller Selina: What about days?

Yes, like 140 days.

Which is in weeks...?

Divide by seven, Mike.

Two... 20.

Gary: Yeah.

I can't stick to 24 weeks now because that's gonna make me the most liberal and the most female.

"Chung the Merciless" did this, right?

Why don't we double bluff him? Just choose the same number.

It's not like sharing a toothbrush.

Mm-mm. "Copycat Selina." That's what they'll say.

"Me-Too Meyer," "sh*t for Brains..."

No, I'm sorry, they won't say that. I'm just really tired.

Should we all quit and go home and go to bed 'cause you're so tired?

Oh, no, we can't. Because I have to go do "Good Morning America" thanks to you, Kent.

I know, I'm sorry, ma'am. I thought you could be first on air.

I didn't realize that Chung and Maddox would att*ck at night.

Must be the m*llitary training.

Let me see this. What is this spike right here?

The "I Don't Knows."

Okay, so I am looking at a page and I am seeing most of America standing up proudly and saying, "I don't know."

We were shocked ourselves.

I wonder who should be my campaign strategist in the next election.

"I don't know."

(Chuckles)

I will redouble my efforts to win your support.

The man's obsessed with me.

Issue a version of what you said in the book... just better than what Dan wrote.

Okay, Mike, you draft me a new version of my existing position, okay?

Love it.

And I'm gonna need something to wear, 'cause I'm going on "Good Morning America."

Pink. I got you pink. Let's do pink.

I believe that life is precious.

And so are the hard-won freedoms that women throughout America enjoy today.

As a woman myself, I know that freedom means the freedom...

Thank you, sir.

Did you get all the free water from the car?

Oh, yeah.

Nice.

See, I told you, man. Two days up and we're already big.

This is what happens when talent meets opportunity.

Let's blow this thing wide open.

Hey, Jo-nad.

Dan, what the f*ck are you doing here?

You shouldn't tweet your location to someone who wants to k*ll you.

Oh, so you do follow me.

You know what? I swear to God, I'm gonna rip your guts out through your tiny, shriveled, little chihuahua cock.

What, nothing? You're gonna let your boss get pasted?

You're not my boss. We're copartners.

I don't give a f*ck.

You're looking kinda hungry, Jonah.

You want some of that burrito?

No? Hey, you, "Ugly Betty," give me that burrito.

Don't just give it to him, dude.

You see this, Jonah? This is what happens when you f*ck with my office.

If you say anything on-air about the Veep, I will break your legs so severely, you'll end up normal height.

Joke's on you, Dan, because I f*cking love burritos.

Yeah? Good luck with your interview, handsome.

That's right, walk away, bitch.

What did you say?

Nothing, nothing.

Dan: What? Yeah.

Joining us in studio is Jonah Ryan.

He was the former White House liaison to the vice president.

Hi, Jonah. Nice to see you.

Hello.

What do you think is gonna happen here?

Will the Veep go with POTUS, or could this really be a defining moment for her?

Well, at "Ryantology.net," we have a saying... which is that these issues are like a prism.

They have many sides.

Would you care to pick one?

Of course.

This is an issue that has plagued politics for far too long.

And...

Thanks for coming in, Jonah.

Yeah, great.

Planned Parenthood's Rachel Hordenthal is on the line.

Hi, Rachel. Thanks so much for being here.

Okay, you heard the Veep's statement.

What do you at Planned Parenthood have to say about it?

Rachel: Unlike your previous guest, we have a very clear take on this.

Well, I said nothing.

A big, fat, morbidly obese nothing.

At least you mentioned the book, ma'am.

Your publisher is gonna be stoked.

And I'm not wearing a flag pin.

Whose fault is that, by the way?

Look what I got. Look what I got.

I got a special treat for you. Mmm!

Gary, you are my angel of baked goods.

Well, every angel needs an archangel.

Hey, Gary. Come here.

Oh, okay. Yes, ma'am. Yeah?

You are always gonna be my bodyman.

Yeah.

(Whispers) Especially when I'm president.

And I've got eight years of treats planned for you.

Yes, I do.

(Laughing)

I value you so much.

Go clear up the fruit out there.

Yeah, okay.

I can put this in balls.

Little watermelon balls in a bowl?

Definitely not.

No? Okay.

I can't watch myself anymore.

I can't watch myself anymore.

Oh, um...

Don't put "Oprah" on. You don't like that.

Mm-mm.

You wanna watch "Top Chef"?

No.

How about "Project Runway"?

No.

"Survivor"?

Yeah.

Okay.