04x16 - So You Think You Can Finance

[bunniefuu]

[drilling, hammering]

In short, please ignore the construction noises from upstairs.

And finally, um, little thing.

My new girlfriend's popping in for a... for a visit.

All: Wow! Ooh!

Honk, honk, honk.

Stop it... you're awful.

That's inappropriate.

Um, her name's Juliet, and when she comes, I'd appreciate it if you were all on your best behavior.

You never told me you had a new girlfriend, and we tell each other everything.

[machinery thumping]

We're bestos.

Please, treat her with the same respect you would treat me.

Actually, no. Tamra.

Same respect you show Tamra.

That's fair.

[machinery thumping intensifies]

[groans]

I can't hear anything you're saying, Jeremy, over this construction noise from upstairs.

What are they even building? A Sephora?

Oh, my God, screw this. I'm gonna go work there.

Uh, no, it's a hedge fund.

Does no one read my building newsletter?

No.

I read Tamra's fashion section and I'm always a "don't."

[boom]

Oh...

[all screaming]

Oh, God!

Brace yourselves.

It's time to preoccupy Wallstreet.

Excuse me, sir?

Would you mind telling me where the manager is?

She's right over there.

Oh, hello, boys.

I almost didn't recognize you. You both look much older.

Whitney, you're the new tenant?

No, this is all an elaborate prank show.

Dax Shepard, get in here!

I get it.

You moved into the building in a ploy to win me back.

Well, you're too late. I've got a girlfriend, and everyone's pretty excited.

You have a girlfriend?

Okay, I just...

Oh, right. We used to date.

Ugh. Purple!

No, we've started a new hedge fund.

You started a hedge fund?

Mm-hmm.

That's awesome. You're the ones that kicked those lousy artists out of Manhattan.

Thank you.

Well, this is what I think of your glossy brochure.

They don't rip. They're printed on leather.

We've got money to burn.

Listen, sugar, I'm all for female entrepreneurs.

I saw part of "Joy" on a plane, but your little business poured water all over our breakfast bread.

Yeah, my breasts were visible underneath my clothing.

It was very distracting for the men.

You know, it's true! And now I can see up her skirt, and it ain't pretty.

You love it!

Okay, well, relax. It's only gonna be 14 weeks, and then I'm going to have to listen to all of your screaming babies.

Whoa, checkmate. You know what?

We're gonna get out of your hair.

I just want to say that this has been really cool.

Oh, yeah.

Mindy, can you stop being so nice to the woman who cheated on me?

With me.

I don't remember that.

Must not have meant much to me.

But whatever the damage is, just send me the bill.

Okay? Rick, Sam.

Dr. L, take, like, two steps forward, please.

Oh, so you can look at my nethers?

I don't think so, pal.

It's my birthday.

Is it... is it your birthday?

Absolutely.

No, it doesn't matter that it's his birthday.

No... come on.

Everyone's seen it but me.

That's discrimination.

[hip-hop music]

Mindy, I think our office needs a makeover.

It's too feminine.

Our furniture is RuPaul for Crate & Barrel.

She's a man.

I think a more masculine waiting room will let the patients know there is a man behind this operation.

And put 'em at ease.

I think of myself as very masculine, but... fine.

What about a nice grandfather clock?

We could go shopping for it tomorrow night.

Uh, sure, I can go shopping with you.

I'll just put it on my to-do list.

Uh, pardon me?

Are you writing that on the back of an un-deposited paycheck?

Yes, but "deposit checks" is on my to-do list.

Mindy, your desk is covered in un-deposited paychecks.

Okay, don't be dramatic. My desk is covered in crumbs.

It is littered in un-deposited paychecks.

But these could literally fly out the window.

You're a strong breeze away from bankruptcy.

How could you be so irresponsible with your money?

Because I've never had to take care of it before.

My dad used to do this stuff for me, and then Danny took it over from him, and now that Danny's gone, I guess I just stopped thinking about it.

Well, do you have any investments?

Financial goals? A retirement plan?

My retirement plan is to sing on a cruise ship.

You know this.

It's not just your future you're thinking of now.

If I had a young son, which a recent test proved I do not, I'd make sure all my money was working for me.

My finances, grandfather clocks... how many old man lectures must be endured today?

I apologize.

Uh, please, enjoy a Werther's.

Thanks.

See you tonight.

You're gonna love Exquisite Time Pieces.

[door closes]

Hey, guys, you don't all have your financial futures mapped out like a bunch of nerds, right?

Hell no.

Planning for the future is depressing.

Exactly. Thank you, Colette Well, plus, I'm a trust fund kid.

All I gotta do is take my grandma's ashes to Niagara Falls every year, and I get a big fat check.

I keep all my money in a mutual fund.

And I found a bone in my backyard that belongs to a T-Rex, so I'm good.

What?

[machinery thumping]

Come on, come on.

Well, I have enough money to last the rest of my life, which my doctor says could be up to three years.

Oh!

Nice!

You know who could maybe help me out?

Whitney. You know, she seems like she's good at money, and she wears suits like a man.

Whitney? Are you mad?

Think of the hole she ripped in both our ceiling and my heart.

Yeah, and isn't she a cokehead?

Yeah, cocaine, "the rich man's drug."

Call me when it's meth.

Look, just go to a bookstore and buy a book on financial planning.

Maybe they have one of those, um, "Simpleton's Guides."

Oh, that's how I learned how to use eBay.

And you are great at eBay.

Oh, yeah, look at this.

Just bought this bad boy.

6 bucks.

[pen pieces clattering]

Hello, I'm looking for Jeremy Reed?

Oh, you must be his Aunt Imogen.

I thought you were lost at sea.

Hello, Juliet.

I see everybody's met my new girlfriend.

This is your new girlfriend?

"Girlfriend's" such a small word.

Have you Americans a term for someone whose soul has blended into your own?

Aw...

Grandma.

Uh, such a striking couple.

Such contrasts.

How did this come to be?

In our theater group.

We were doing "The Scottish Play."

Yes, "Shrek the Musical."

I received raves as Gingerbreadman.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a lunch date. Shall we?

Yes.

Huh, huh?

Uh... how did other people react to that?

I thought it was cool, and when "Shrek the Musical" comes to my town, first in line.

But, uh, didn't Juliet seem a little old?

Jody!

You are old as hell.

When we were little, I thought you were, like, my secret dad, not my brother, and I'm still not convinced.

I've never been so offended in my life.

I'm pushing 70, and you pervs can't stop undressing me with your eyes.

Yes, yes.

That's what we all say to be nice.

Like, how we say nurses are just as important as doctors.

Hey!

What?

Which is true though.

So it's gross when a younger man dates an older woman, but when Robert DeNiro takes me to dinner, everyone's cool with it?

Well, once again, I can see that I'm the only one brave enough to speak the truth.

This relationship is weird, and if Donald Tr*mp was president, it could be fun.

There. I said it.

Don't worry, Leo. Your mom has everything we need to make sure our lives are in order.

A Mexican energy drink and a Suze Orman book.

Let's check this out.

Suze: All right, girlfriend, time to get your money act together...

Mm-hmm.

Answer a few questions for me.

Mm-hmm.

One: How old do you want to be when you retire?

I'm 26 now. Maybe... 30?

Are you kidding me? Let's get real.

If you answered anything less than 65, you'd better be seriously loaded.

Huh?

Have you maxed out your Roth 401K?

What?

Do you have any credit card debt?

Who dat?

What'your FICO score?

Is this English?

Do you have at least an eight-month emergency fund?

What the hell are you saying?

Leo, I do not get that book at all.

It was like Tom Hardy was saying it to me.

Oh, Leo, what're we gonna do?

[sighs]

[whimsical music]

Hmm.

Hey, Whitney...

[thud]

Ooh... oh.

[groans]

You could put a sign on this glass.

There's a giant door.

I told you that there is nothing I can do about the noise.

No, that's not why I'm here.

Whitney...

Oh, my...

I need you to fix my life.

So, as you can see, I am completely overwhelmed financially.

I just need someone to be my money guy.

So you want a magical person to pay all of your bills, keep track of your spending, and do all the basic things that most people do for themselves?

Yes, exactly.

That's what you do, right?

No, not at all.

I run a hedge fund for billionaires.

Look around. Look at this office.

Look at that view. Are you kidding me?

The buy-in alone is $10 million or a blood diamond this big.

[knock on door] [door opens]

Hey, Whit, bunch of us are going to sh**t and Rally's to get our sniff on.

Oh, um... you know what? Actually, Gabe, I'm good.

I'm just gonna sit here, and I'm gonna make the NASDAQ my bitch.

Have fun.

[exhales]

Are you chained to you desk?

[whispers] Shh, shut up! Keep it down.

My God. Okay.

I recently got sober, and this keeps me from going out with my coworkers.

Nobody here knows that I am sober.

Oh.

Yeah, they will think that I've lost my edge. It sucks.

I can't do dr*gs, and I have no friends.

[quirky music]

I could be your friend.

I never do dr*gs.

Tried to buy them once and the drug dealer was like, "I don't sell to dorks," and I looked around and I was like, "Where's the dork?"

He was talking about me.

[chuckles]

Okay, how 'bout this: I'm gonna be your money guy.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

And I never have to think about this again?

You just leave it here, and I will take care of it.

But also, what are you doing tonight?

We should hang out.

Oh, um, I have plans to buy a clock with a coworker.

You know what? I'll bail on them because you are helping me out.

[cell phone buzzes]

Mindy?

Hey, I'm sorry, I can't go shopping for clocks with you tonight.

What?

I'm already in the Tinkers District.

Why... why can't you come?

I'm, uh, hanging out with a person.

Oh, uh.

Like a date?

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Look, I'm sure whatever grandfather clock you pick out will be perfect. Just... can you try to get a digital one?

I find the hands very hard to read.

Okay, but...

[cell phone disconnects]

Juliet, parting is such sweet sorrow.

I can't wait for you to meet my parents.

Where, the cemetery?

Bye.

See you later.

I am a lucky guy.

There are so few men like that in New York.

Yes. In fact, there are zero.

That's what I have been saying.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I used to think Dr. Reed was a creep, but he's such a good guy.

Tamra, if they break up or she passes away, let me know?

Mm-hmm.

[quietly] Excuse me.

[laughter, chatter]

[women giggling]

Fun sleepover, Mindy.

I know.

We cyberbullied Morgan on Facebook.

[laughs] Hey, what're you doing tonight?

Oh, tonight, um... you know, I'm not sure that...

I forgot to tell you.

I put all of your bills on auto pay, so from now on, you don't ever have to think about it again.

Never have to think about it again?

Like that mouse I trapped in my oven?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you, Whitney.

Yeah, well, you're welcome.

And, you know what? Sure.

Why don't we hang out tonight?

How is 9:00?

Uh, 5:00 works better for me given my situation, you know, because 5:10 is the 4:20 of cocaine.

[laughs]

Oh, yeah, of course.

All right, see you then.

Bye.

[Lily Allen's "LDN"]

♪ ♪
♪ Riding through the city on my bike all day ♪
♪ 'Cause the filth ok away my license... ♪

Hey, come on in.

Great.

♪ 'Cause the sights that I'm seeing are priceless... ♪

[knock on door]

Be here all night.

♪ Love be my crown ♪

[knock on door]

♪ Walkin' ♪

Oh, my gosh!

♪ Round London town ♪

Oh, come in.

Great.

♪ Summer's in the sky ♪
♪ Oh why, oh why ♪

[knock on door]

♪ Would I wanna be anywhere else?...♪

[drone buzzing]

Huh? [laughs]

Yeah.

♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪

[clears throat]

[quietly] Oh, my God.

Hey, hey!

Ah!

Good morning. Guess what.

Can't sleep at your desk, all right?

I was up all night being cyberbullied.

Again, all right?

And you don't see me sleeping at my desk.

I'm sorry, Morgan.

I've just been very social this week.

Yeah, we all know you've been getting wienered six ways to Sunday, and thank you for telling Dr. K about it and not me.

[sighs] My cyberbully's right.

I am a loser.

Wait, I'm not getting wienered.

Oh... okay.

That is the lie I told Jody because really, I've been hanging out with Whitney.

Whitney? She's a drug addict!

Okay, she doesn't do dr*gs anymore because she's addicted to hanging out with me.

Which, like, who isn't?

But I need a break.

Yeah, boundaries are important.

That's why I stopped tickling patients.

Morgan, I don't think that this conversation is a good use of my time...

I-it ain't.

I have a lot of work to do and...

[gasps] Oh, my God!

That is what I should tell Whitney.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Wish my cyberbully could have seen this.

Hey, Whit, I can't hang out.

I have a ton of work, and I'm really tired.

I get it. I've got two jobs.

One is battling my addiction which is why I think we should hang out tonight.

It sounds like we both need a night of rest.

My disease never gives me a night of rest, but fine.

Cool! Bye!

Well, how refreshing.

You showed up for a commitment.

I guess the Gonzales hysterectomy is more important than grandfather clock shopping.

You're still mad about that? It happened a week ago.

Look, Jody, I'm sorry.

How'd it go?

Well, it was humiliating.

Heinrich was expecting two people, so he wouldn't buzz me in.

I could see him through the window... but you were busy on your date.

Yes. Yeah, my date.

I was on a date.

Well, tell me about the guy.

What's he do?

Um, he's a... he's a flight attendant. A heterosexual flight attendant for, um, Zoom Airlines.

It doesn't matter. It's not serious.

Beginning to wonder whether you take anything seriously.

What is that supposed to mean?

You're a mother.

Your finances are a mess. You don't seem to care.

You renege on social commitments.

You're only focused on hooking up with this playboy flight attendant on some dangerous sounding new airline.

Dude, watch your lather.

Well, I'm sorry, but I am frustrated right now.

I'm trying to help you become a more responsible person.

You insist on doing the opposite.

Well, if my life stresses you out so much, Jody, maybe you should just care about it a little less.

Oh.

Like, I don't care about you with your stupid grandfather clock.

I knew it!

Yeah, they're dumb.

They cost a million dollars and an app on my phone is better.

Now shut up and help me take out a uterus.

Mindy?

Hey, Whit, I was watching Narcos and I thought of you. How are you?

Got lonely and decide to go to McBarligans with some guys from work.

Hm. I've never been there, but should and addict be going to McBarfigans?

Nope!

[sighs]

Damn it.

Hey! Hey!

Sorry to interrupt. It's Mindy from the other day.

You were checking me out?

Mm...

You were. Have you seen Whitney anywhere?

I think she's in the bathroom.

Oh, my God.

Like, in the bathroom or, like...

"in the bathroom"?

I don't know what that means, but Whitney's in the bathroom doing coke.

Oh, my God. Okay, thanks.

Whitney? I know you're in here.

Whitney?

What, did you sleepwalk here 'cause you're too exhausted to hang out?

Okay one last sniff of dr*gs, [knocks on door] and that is it.

God, just get... get in here.

Hey!

Okay...

Will you shut up? I am not doing dr*gs.

Yeah, right. I've seen movies.

I know where you're keeping your stash.

It's in a little vial up your butt.

I'm gonna find it.

Hey, hey!

There is nothing up my butt, okay?

I am in here pretending to do cocaine, but really, I am doing Sudoku, which everyone says is addictive, and, uh, it is not.

Okay, then this is crazy.

You chain yourself to your desk, you are hiding in a bathroom stall...

Yeah.

You're hanging out with me obsessively just to avoid your life.

Excuse me. You're the one who came to me with a shoebox asking me to take care of your finances because you have run out of men to do it for you.

That's not true.

What is so hard about taking care of your own finances?

Are you that lazy?

I'm not lazy.

[scoffs] I just...

I love bear claws.

What?

I know that the minute I log in to my bank account I am going to see that every day I spend $5 on a coffee and bear claw... when I know that I could just have a packet of oatmeal and that would be much cheaper.

And all of that money on bear claws could be better spent on my son's education or my retirement.

So, yeah, Whitney, I don't want to look at it, 'cause it reminds me that every single decision I make is as a single mom, and this isn't what I planned.

You have two bear claws every morning...

Yeah, I know.

But, um, you know, I looked at your finances, and I actually think you're gonna be fine.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm rich? I can buy a lobster t*nk like in a restaurant?

No, stupid.

I think it would add a lot of value to my apartment.

No. Let's... let's get out of here.

Yeah, and go tell those losers that you're sober.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

Uh, Juliet, right?

It's Jody Kimble-Kinney.

Hi. You're Jeremy's coworker.

Yeah.

Are you the one who eats trash?

No, that's Morgan.

And Beverly. And Mindy.

Actually, that's quite troubling.

Uh, may I sit?

Of course.

So Jeremy is quite taken with you.

I've never heard your story.

Are you a widow of a railroad magnate?

You know, set to leave your fortune to a handsome younger man who is kind to you?

Look, I get what this is about.

Yes, I'm a lot older than Jeremy.

But we really love each other.

With all due respect, that can't possibly be true.

When one envisions an ideal couple, it's only one thing: a blushing young girl, and a leathery older man.

It's universal... from pygmies to the Inuits to Woody Allen and Mylie Cyrus.

Let me ask you, Dr. Kimble-Kinney, are you in a relationship?

Whoa. We're getting awfully personal.

[chuckles] But to answer your question, no, I am not, by my own choice.

I have been busy with work and, you know, what with all the new shows and...

Well, maybe your problem is that the person who makes you happy is the opposite of what you're used to.

Next stop, Union Square.

Oh.

By the way, I think I'm younger than you.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[gasps]

Dr. Reed! Nurse Jen!

Get out of here!

You're cheating, Dr. Reed?

Who do you think you are, me?

It's... it's not what it looks like.

I knew something was up. I knew it.

You know, before Juliet, all the nurses thought you were a British creep with a tanning addiction.

Then they saw you with an older woman and they were like, "Oh, Dr. Reed's so sweet and not shallow. He's hot now."

Fine! I hated my reputation, and I would've done anything to change it.

Except modify my behavior.

What about that poor old lady?

Hasn't she been through enough?

She's lived through, like, 40 wars.

Well, actually I'm... I'm kind of paying Juliet to play my girlfriend.

But it's kinda noble, if you think about it.

There... there are so few great roles for women her age.

Oh, please. Helen Mirren be everywhere.

You know, the worst part about this is that Dr. K was right.

Dear, Mindy, It was extremely inconsiderate of you to cancel plans with me last minute.

I was forced to have the loneliest dinner.

The pizzeria's name, Uno, was all too appropriate.

That said, I think I owe you an apology.

I should not have told you that your life is a mess.

It is a mess. It's like one of those stories they use to scare young Catholic girls from going to a dance.

But you're handling it well.

Much better than I would.

So I'm sorry to presume to know what is best for you.

I'm a man who knows what he likes.

I've never really tried much different from that.

But today, a magical old woman told me something that made me think I could be wrong.

If you ever felt so inclined, I'd like to take you out, and not just to shop for a grandfather clock.

Yours, Jody.

[light music]

♪ ♪

Jeremy, I owe you an apology.

I had a nice chat with Juliet yesterday.

Such a lovely spirit.

Sure. She's fine.

Actually, at the time, I couldn't understand how someone like you could be attracted to someone like her.

Actually, Jody, I kinda feel terrible about something.

Well, so do I. For not believing you.

Tell him you hired her, and it was a sham to have sex with hotter, younger women.

Pardon?

Okay, fine.

Our relationship was fake. Fake as my nails.

You don't love Juliet? It is not real?

No, of course not.

Something like that could never work.

Mm... oh.

No, no.

Oh.

Beverly, did you take out the mail?

No.

Ohh...

But I did tell Morgan to do it.

Morgan?

When Beverly asked you to take out the mail, you got distracted and you forgot as usual, right?

Of course, I always do.

Ah.

But, you yelled at me so much that I had nightmares.

So I mailed the letter.

Don't worry.

[groans]

Your precious mail's on the way to its intended.

No! Why?

Hi.

Hey.

How are you doing with all that?

Do you need any help?

No, thank you.

As it turns out, I can be my own money guy.

Good for you.

And my sponsor says that I need to learn to let people run their own lives.

Uh, here. I brought you something.

[gasps] Oh, cool, a bear claw.

Yeah.

Just one?

Yes.

Which is enough.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You know, I realized that bear claws are not my real problem.

I spend most of my money on...

both: Pay-Per-View p*rn.

Yes.

Obviously can't curb that habit, so I'm just gonna give less to charity.

That's smart.

Have a seat.

Why don't you share this with me?

Are you sure?

Yeah, I have two more in my drawer.

Okay.

Thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers.