05x17 - Road Trip

[bunniefuu]

How's the planning of the bachelor party coming?

Well, Tokyo is not happening. Turns out Nick booked the trip on a Web site called Pricelive.cob.

Right.

That's a scam.

Yeah.

I'm sure. I'm sure of it.

I-I'm still pulling for a Tokyo theme.

You know, we could do a spa day.

There could be hot springs, cherry blossoms.

[chuckles]

[brakes squeal]

Oh!

[horn honking]

Imbecile!

[tires squealing]

Cece: Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, oh, oh. He's-he's getting out of the car.

Why is he getting out of the car?

I don't know, babe, I don't know.

Toby!

I'm Toby!

What you gonna say now?

I'm-I'm sorry?

Toby! Toby!

Okay.

Toby.

Okay.

Toby.

Okay!

Toby!

"Okay" is not working.

I don't understand. Is Toby your name?

That's right. Toby, bitch.

Got it.

Bitch.

[scoffs]

That was Toby.

The froofy Japan bachelor party is off.

W-We're going to Vegas on a road trip.

Like men.

Vegas, yeah!

Like men.

Like men.

Like men!

Vegas!!

[cheers]

Is this change of plans an overreaction to something?

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

♪ ♪

All: Road trip.

Oh, I called the car rental place, reservation's all good.

Did you get us the toughest convertible?

Nick: I did.

Anything you want, you get. I'm your best man.

Well, what if I want a hug?

Peel it open.

All right. You failed the test. Hugs are not tough.

Bro fail. Big-time bro fail, Nick.

What is going on with you?

Yeah, babe. Just because a scary man yelled his name in your face doesn't mean you can't like sake baths.

This has nothing to do with me being yelled at.

Yeah, okay.

This has everything to do with a road trip.

Road tri...

Are we...

Are we not cheering on that one?

Cece, as your bridesman I am so sorry I have to miss your bachelorette party.

I know you girls are just having a ladies' day in, but please keep Winnie up to date with anything that's noteworthy.

Men: Noteworthy!

"Noteworthy" gets one?

Well, we have one convertible left.

No.

That's not tough.

Yellow convertibles are for horny beach trash.

I drive a yellow convertible.

It's my boy's bachelor party.

If he says you're horny beach trash, then you're horny beach trash.

I'm a good person.

Hey, hey, hey, huh?

Welcome fellow groomsmen.

Big Schmidt, your minivan is sweet as hell, dude.

Yeah. Well, you know, I got it for the kids, but, uh, it's not quite the chick magnet I was hoping for.

Yeah, of course not.

I mean, I-I am straight hounding for some Sin City strange, you know.

I don't care if it's a man, woman, or child.

You really should care if it's a child.

Yeah, them kids, man.

Yeah, no children.

No. God, God, of course not.

You know, that's not what I'm saying.

I was just listing...

Ah, Vegas.

Truly a town in which to devour and be devoured.

Whoo-whoo. Whoo, whoo, Vegas.

I'm gonna click in, eventually.

I just... this morning I realized I still have some unresolved feelings towards Cece, and now I'm out here celebrating with her fiancé.

So, you know... if I didn't wake up tomorrow, you know, that would be fine with me.

But we're gonna have a good time in Las Vegas. Whoo.

Yeah, that's dark, man.

[phone chimes]

That's dark, bro.

Ooh, I got a text from Jess.

Hot bachelorette party goss.

"With Aly, Tripp. On the squirts!"

That's weird.

Uh, why would she be with Aly and her boyfriend?

Why does she need to tell me?

Maybe they're having problems.

She's, uh, with my partner, Aly, who, I'm in love with, but she has a boyfriend, you know.

And I'm married to Rhonda, but it's a prank. It's a whole story, I'm prank...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Too many lady problems, all right?

This is a bachelor party.

You know what? You're right.

You're right. I'm gonna put the phone away.

My focus is here with you guys.

Fabulous. Anybody want to split a pill?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Change of plans, you guys.

Boys.

Hey.

We're doing motorcycles.

Yeah! Let's do this.

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Thunder ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Thunder ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah... ♪

[laughs]

You look cool, man. You look cool.

Hey, why don't you check your right pocket, buddy?

What?

What?

I said "What?"

I thought you said something different.

Different from what?

I thought you said something different.

I can't hear you. What?

Check your pocket on the right side, buddy.

My pock... yeah!

This is exactly what I was talking about.

What?

[spitting]

[laughing]: All right.

We are going to party so hard.

[grunts] We're gonna go buck wild.

Buck wild.

On fleek.

Yeah, that's right, that's right, that's right, that's right.

I'm telling you guys, this couldn't come at a better time.

I really need this.

I mean, between my divorce and my mom getting put in hospice care, you know?

Yeah, we gonna tap that ass!

♪ Bend it over and do it again. ♪

Are you on your phone, man?

Huh? What are you...?

Huh? No, no, I am... nah. Enough with the phone.

I was, uh...

Robby: What are you doing?

I was looking at this-this children's book.

Yeah, this ugly duckling about to be fine as hell at the end.

Sexy ass swan.

Got me picking feathers out of my teeth for days.

It's not the feathers you have to worry about.

It's the eggshells.

Ow!

Damn it.

Oh, sh**t.

Hey, hey!

No, no...

No.

Aah! Aah!

All: Oh!

Whoa.

I didn't know you could fall off those things.

Well, you can't, but I did it anyway.

'Cause I'm not friggin' tough enough to ride a mechanical tricycle.

Hey, it could have happened to anybody, Schmidt.

No, it couldn't have.

It could only happen to me.

You crashed.

You chunked. You beefed.

You came off your bike.

That's cool as hell. You got injured.

Yeah, you know, my neck does feel a little...

I don't know... off.

Well, yeah, your neck's off.

It's-it's hurt.

You got hurt on a hog, man.

And what are you gonna do with that pain?

What does a man do about that pain?

He takes a bubble bath.

No.

He drinks the pain away.

Here's what we're gonna do.

You see that biker bar?

We're gonna walk inside.

You're gonna take your helmet off.

You're gonna slam it down.

You're gonna tell somebody to watch it.

You're gonna put Seeger on the jukebox.

And you're gonna drink some whiskey.

Some clear-cut accomplishables.

That sounds pretty manly.

All right, my man. Give me some skin.

Ah, Schmidt.

Come on, that didn't hurt.

It's too hard. It hurt.

It honestly hurt. You're strong.

Look, man, I do... you know.

Feel good?

I am, I'm feeling better.

You back?

Who's the butchest guy on this roadside?

Me.

What are we doing? Stopping for coffee?

Let me get a scone.

Unless it's raspberry, in which case I'll take a chocolate chip cookie.

That's it. Give me the phone.

Whoa, no, no, no, no.

Look, I just texted Jess to see if Aly and Tripp broke up, okay?

And she's replying, man, the dots are up.

All right? Look, I need to know if Aly is single.

Oh, all right, well, let me see real quick. Yeah.

Give me that thing. Hey, hey, hey. Oh!

[cell phone dings]

Oh! That ding. That ding.

That's for me. That's for me. You got to let me check.

Hell no. Uh-uh.

This phone is on lockdown in pocket town.

[whoops]

Did you hear what I just said?

It's good.

Hey, guys!

Eagle eyes has found the road house.

So let's...!

I don't why I led out with "let's" like that.

I feel like I have nowhere to...

Let's rodeo.

♪ I'm ready to get mine ♪
♪ Then I'll leave this town... ♪

Oh, these people are real desert-y.

I don't think this is the kind of place where you're gonna want to s...

[loud thud]

[muttering]

Somebody watch that.

I must say, this is not my favorite sort of white people in here.

Me neither. My favorite kind of white people are redheads with high socks.

Male or female.

Hey, hey.

Um, remember earlier, when you took my phone and it went "ding"?

Wait a minute.

There's a desert flower over there who needs a little watering.

[grunts]

What's Schmidt doing?

[thud]

Oh, he's not even looking at the buttons.

♪ I used to bite my tongue ♪
♪ And hold my breath ♪

Hey, what's going on? Come here.

Unplug it. Unplug the whole thing.

♪ So I sit quiet... ♪

[music stops] Whoa.

[chuckles] Good thing that's over.

We can come back from this. Buy everybody in here a drink.

That's a cool move. That's a Rat Pack move.

Can I buy you a drink?

Um, uh, a beer? A bock, maybe?

You've got some amber in-in your necklace.

Uh, maybe an amber bock.

Nick?

Nick?

I got to tell you, I love that vest.

Desert fashion has a certain functional sensuality that I really respond to.

I made it out of my dead Rottweiler.

You dirty little rattlesnake.

You know, I've got a picnic blanket in my minivan, we could go... [yells]

You know what? If you're gonna be traveling in my minivan, you're gonna live by my rules.

Now go over there and sit down.

You know, I'm willing to bet, you got a big spider in your hair.

When I come back, I intend to find it.

I'm not mad.

I'm just incredibly disappointed in you.

Five whiskeys, please.

Bartender: Coming up.

You're doing them all. That's too much whiskey for my frame.

No, no, I know it seems like a lot, but binge drinking can be a fun and safe way to engage with life.

This is one of your dear friend's bachelor parties, you know?

If you miss out on it now, you miss out on the memories forever, Wally.

My name's Winston, but you're absolutely correct, man.

I should not be sitting here, thinking about Aly.

She's never going to go for a guy like me.

Clearly living in a fantasy world.

I should be getting drunk with you guys in this disgusting bar.

[laughter]

Hear, hear. Cheers to that.

Oh, that is low quality whiskey.

Yeah.

Hey, barkeep.

Let me get a whiskey on ice.

[slams table]

What? What'd I say?

Did he say something about ice?

Where are you boys from?

I'm from Los Angeles.

East side.

The... more... uh... east... east downtown.

Big city boys trying to come to our desert and freeze the little water we got left.

'Cause you're too soft for a hot whiskey.

No-no one's bad mouthing hot whiskey.

Hot Whiskey was my first chat room name.

Who wants a drink?

I'll take a nice warm glass of how about you stop coming over here and using our water to hydrate your daisies over in L.A.?!

Okay, first of all, let me just say, I think we're all concerned about the drought in California.

I haven't showered in six days.

Oh, so you're saying you want to fight.

That's a huge leap in logic.

You want to fight?

Yeah.

I'll fight you and then I'll take a hot shower, you s-sandy lizard man.

Let's do this.

Totally, totally, totally, totally, totally.

Yeah, let's fight these guys, Nick.

Yeah, totally.

We're gonna fight these guys.

Uh, but not indoors.

Because real men fight outside.

Yeah, just like real chili doesn't have beans.

What the hell you just say about beans?

Beans are nothing but soggy nuts.

What the hell are you saying about nuts?!

Nothing, it's a totally weird digression.

It's not what we're about.

We'll see you outside.

But first we got to go to the little boys' room together.

Yeah, we're gonna urinate and then we're gonna do this.

Yeah.

Uh, is there a key? Do I need a key to the restroom?

♪

Ooh, God, I hope I get to kick somebody in the head.

What are you doing with that window?

You letting a bee out? That's dope, man.

N-N-N-N-N-No. We're escaping. We're not fighting those guys.

What?

I thought you s-said that we're going to meet them outside?

Uh, yeah.

And they believed it. It's a great trick.

It's how the Millers have never had to pay for a ham.

We're escaping? How-how is that butch, Nick?

Enough with the butch stuff, Schmidt.

You got to let this Toby thing go.

If I freaked out every time somebody yelled at me, I...

It's not because I got yelled at.

It's because I got yelled at in front of Cece.

You know, I know she can handle herself, but I need to prove to myself that I can defend her from the lunatic pagans of the world.

Because if I can't, what kind of husband am I going to be?

I understand if you don't want any part of this, but this is something I have to do.

For me.

[sighs]

Okay. I'm in.

If you got to do it, then I got your back.

There's two of them, there's two of us.

We can do this.

They got a lot of rings, Schmidty.

We are so outnumbered.

So outnumbered.

We're not going to win this fight.

That's a little boy over there.

Where'd that little boy come from?

He just does that sometimes.

All right, I'll take the little boy.

I'm gonna take the little boy.

I got the little boy.

You take everybody else. I got the boy.

I'm gonna go for the little boy.

You're not touching Dirt Boy.

Don't touch Dirt Boy.

Dirt Boy touches you.

Why did you not more forcefully talk me out of this?

Why is that little boy not in a day care?

Are we fighting or not?

What are we gonna do?

We gotta do something, Schmidt.

Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!

What are you doing?

I'm being a man.

I'm Schmidt!

Schmidt!

Yeah, I'm Schmidt! Schmidt!

Why does he keep saying his name?

I'm Schmidt.

In case you're wondering what my n... what my name is, it's Schmidt.

Schmidt!

This is Nick! Nick! Schmidt!

You know what would be a good plan?

You get a job at a Raisin Bran factory, right?

You start stealing all of the raisins, okay? You follow?

Then you hydrate those raisins to make them turn back into grapes, and you sell the grapes.

There's no overhead, and you make you a very rich man.

That's right, Wilson.

You have surrendered to the night.

I'm Wilson.

Schmidt! Yeah, I'm Schmidt!

My babies.

Ain't nobody gonna touch my babies.

[whooping]

Knuckle up!

Yeah, I'm feeling dangerous!

No, no, no.

Winston. Winston.

No. Uh-huh!

I ain't got no phone. I ain't got no Aly.

No, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no.

Dirt bike push. [yells]

Winston.

Mirror kick. [yells]

Hey, hey, that's my car! Okay, get him!

That's his car?

You didn't say that was his car.

We got this. We got this.

We got this. We got this.

[distorted]: Come on!

[yelling]

[Winston whoops]

♪ I used to bite my tongue ♪
♪ And hold my breath ♪
♪ Scared to rock the boat ♪
♪ And make a mess ♪
♪ So I sit quietly ♪
♪ Agree politely ♪
♪ I guess that I forgot I had a choice ♪
♪ I let you push me past the breaking point ♪
♪ I stood for nothing ♪

[Winston screaming]

♪ So I fell for everything ♪
♪ You had me down, but I got up ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Already brushing off the dust ♪
♪ You hear my voice ♪
♪ You hear that sound ♪
♪ Like thunder gonna shake your ground ♪

Oh, no, it's the little boy!

Little boy, go away!

♪ I see it all, I see it now ♪

[whoops]

♪ I got the eye of the tiger ♪
♪ A fighter ♪

Ha!

♪ Dancing through the fire ♪
♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪

Oh, no.

♪ And you're gonna hear me ♪

I-I didn't... I didn't mean...

♪ Roar ♪
♪ Louder ♪
♪ Louder than a lion ♪
♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪
♪ And you're gonna hear me roar ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ And you're gonna hear me roar ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

Hey, where the hell is Big Schmidt?

♪ You're gonna hear me roar. ♪

Keep the vest on.

Here. For your cheek.

[men whooping and cheering in distance]

[grunts]

I think some turquoise got stuck in there.

Here. That hurt?

Ow.

Yes, a little.

All right. Let's do this.

Doggies or trucks?

I don't deserve trucks.

I'll be the judge of that.

You deserve trucks.

Damn. Anybody else get hit with a geode?

I got hit with a geode.

Some dude stuck his fingers in my mouth.

What is that? Is that like a desert power thing?

When things started escalating, I just rolled up into a little ball like an armadillo.

Fellas, can I get real for a second?

I was thinking about Aly the entire time.

This is one of her barrettes.

You know, women use barrettes to keep their hairs in different styles. Yeah.

But Aly uses this to pin her hair up when she's on duty.

And I kept it.

[chuckles] That's how pathetic I am.

That's not pathetic.

It's lovely.

It reminds me of all my old lost loves.

Yeah. Cece.

Or my ex.

She was a pill, but when she used to go to second base on me, she was like Joe Morgan.

You know, a lot of people don't know this, but, uh, Aly's full name is Alison.

I like to imagine that she was named after the song.

♪ Alison ♪
♪ I know this world ♪
♪ Is k*lling you ♪
♪ Alison ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ My aim is true. ♪

Sorry I got us into this, Nick.

I was useless out there.

I didn't even get one punch in.

That's not true. You hit me a little bit.

I got my ass whomped out there.

Got whomped up and down the road.

What's whomp?

Like a whomp-down.

Oh, whooped?

Whomped.

Are you talking about getting b*at up?

Yes.

Whooped.

I got this calendar bod, but it doesn't hold up in battle.

Look, it's 2016.

She's not looking for a strong husband.

That... no, tha-that's not what I was gonna...

That's not where I was going with this.

I'm getting married, Nick.

How am I going to defend Cece?

She deserves the best husband in the world, and what if I don't have what it takes?

Of course you have what it takes to be a modern husband.

Do you have what it takes to be a husband of the old world?

God, no.

They would use you as a pelt.

Today, you fought, kinda.

You're gonna make a great husband to Cece.

How do you know?

Because I know.

Because why?

Because.

Look what happened here today. Because why?

Beca... ever since I've known you, you've been there.

Okay, you're always there.

Even when I don't want you there, you're there.

That's what a husband does.

You fight for me. That's what a husband does.

You care about what I eat.

That's what a husband does.

You've cooked for me, even when I don't ask.

That's what a husband does.

When I pass out, you comb my hair so there's no knots in it.

That's what a husband does.

So, guess what.

You're gonna be a great husband to Cece because you're a great husband to me.

So that's how I know.

You're, you're like my husband.

You're like my wife, but...

Yeah, so that's how I know.

Thanks for saying that, man.

Yeah, man.

[gagging, coughing]

I need this to be done, okay?

Well, you can't take it back. I heard you say it, Nick.

[deep voice]: Hey, hey, hey. What you guys up to?

We're pouring out one for our lost loves.

Good-bye, unrequited love for Aly.

May I now heal and, and move forward.

I'm proud of you, man.

And as a gift, I'm gonna give you your own property back.

You don't have to do that. I mean, it's not...

I don't really need it, but...

Whoa.

Aly is single.

Aly is single!

Nice! Oh, great.

Hey. Hey.

Okay, so are you gonna tell her how you feel?

I don't know. I don't know, uh, I don't know, I mean, what if she doesn't like me back?

What if I'm not good enough for her?

What if I can't bear her sons?

You have to try. Look, I didn't think I was good enough for Cece.

You aren't.

Winston, I don't know how this is going to work out, but you need to know that you're good enough.

You got a heart of gold.

You got a smile that... [groaning]

He's been having some really nice moments today and then kind of freaking out.

You son of a bitch!

So, what, you guys think I should tell her how I feel?

Yes. You absolutely should.

Let's go now.

What about your bachelor party?

Who could want anything more from a bachelor party than their best friend telling him that they love him.

No. For real? You said that?

I didn't tell him that I love him. Let's be clear about that.

I missed that?

You know what?

I'm gonna tell Cece how I feel about her.

I'm gonna get her back.

You do that, bud... wait, wait.

Both: What?

You guys go on ahead without me.

I'm gonna hang back here for another round with my desert queen.

Besides, there's nothing for me in the city.

Wait a second. Don't you have two kids?

Yeah.

I'll be back Sunday.

I got to pick them up from swim camp.

Good luck, fellas.

We should go now. Let's do it.

We're men.

All: Men!

Let's ride.

Let's ride.

Let's ride.

Let's ride.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no. I'm good.

Men.

We're men.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sit.

♪ I've got the eye of the tiger ♪