02x09 - Facebook Friends

[bunniefuu]

(loudly): Joe, time for dinner.

I'm not calling you again.

What's Dad doing in there?

Oh, he got himself one of those Facebook Web sites.

He made me take 25 profile pictures of him, before I "captured his essence."

Well, I think it's great he's becoming more connected with the world.

He might finally see other opinions than his own, and it might make him less opinionated.

Maxine, I don't think Facebook or the Internet has ever made a single person less opinionated.

You know?

And I formed that opinion after the Internet, so I know it holds up.

(laughs)

(laughs)

All right. I'm gonna go get him.

Yo, Dad. What's up?

I'm drunk on power, Jerrod.

Now, look, you got to understand this.

I always had these thoughts in my head, but I've been looking for an outlet, and I finally found one.

Joe Carmichael is k*lling it on Facebook.

All right, all right, Dad.

Slow down for a second.

How many friends you got?

Brace yourself. 52!

Am I bracing myself for a larger number?

Well, Jerrod, I've never been friends with 52 people, all together, during my entire lifetime.

sh**t, now I got 52 people listening to my every word.

Okay, Dad, you've been alive for a long time.

You should get out more.

That's like a friend a year.

Joe Carmichael is k*lling it on Facebook.

My man!

Look, I was getting a haircut, right?

And I started reading your status updates out loud at the barbershop.

Man, you are really inspiring people.

(laughs) Daddy, stand on up.

Take a bow, man. You earned it.

Oh, man, I ain't getting up off this couch.

But I appreciate the gesture.

Look, Bobby, instead of reading Dad's Facebook posts, you should read my tweets out loud at the barbershop.

Come on, man, nah, Jerrod.

Like, (scoffs) Dad got good social commentary.

Your tweets always sound negative.

(laughing) What are you talking about?

I have amazing social commentary, Bobby.

Dude, there's a difference between you and Dad.

Matter of fact, hold on, let me pull this up.

This is Dad. Posted this earlier: "Strippers don't like it when you get change for a 20 off the stage."

Come on, man.

It's genius.

You know what I mean? And look, I Li...

I like the fact that Facebook got these new emojis on here.

I gave that status a...

Joe: You learn the hard way.

That is not great social commentary.

That's just a simple fact about strip clubs.

Come on. Dinner's ready.

But look here, man, I didn't know that, okay?

I learned something. And look, it's three other people in that barbershop that learned something, too, okay?

(grumbles)

Try... look, here's one of your tweets.

"Democracy is an illusion."

What am I supposed to do with that?

Democracy is an illusion, Bobby.

The only way to bring about change is through...

Maxine and Jerrod: ...money or death.

If you know it, retweet it, Maxine.

I don't want to retweet that.

It's embarrassing.

You know I've actually lost friends because of Jerrod's tweets. Like that time you tweeted that your biggest fear used to be spiders, but it is now the cough of an immigrant.

That tweet was written at a time when Ebola was scaring us all.

See, look... nah, nah.

Dad can top that.

Matter of fact, he tweeted this yesterday.

"How come every Asian person under 30 looks like they're from the future?"

(laughing)

Nothing this family says should be made public.

You shouldn't say bad things about the Asians on the Internet, Joe.

They invented computers.

I'm exercising my freedom of speech.

That's right.

That's right. All right?

It-it's in the Constitution.

It's all we got to go by.

Mm-hmm. I mean, you know, even though democracy's an illusion and your vote doesn't matter, it still counts to us.

Oh!

(laughs)

Another friend request. (laughs)

Vicki Colette. Count it.

Vicki Colette!?

Wait. Who... who's Vicki Colette?

Oh, you don't know about Vicki "Muffin Top" Colette?

That's my old high school girlfriend before your mama.

Uh, she just poked me. What do I do now?

Am I supposed to poke her back?

Joe, look at me.

No.

♪

Joe, I don't think it's appropriate to be Facebook friends with an ex-girlfriend.

Well, I already accepted.

Well, let me see this Vicki Colette.

All right.

Uh-huh.

There you go.

Ah, she looks good for her age.

Wh-Why "for her age," Jerrod?

Why can't she just look good?

Because after 40, your good looks come with a disclaimer, Maxine, all right?

All right? I-I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but we can't pretend it's not a thing.

Let me look at her.

She does not look good for her age.

She looks really bad for her age.

Really, really, really bad for her age.

All right, all right, look, Ma, there's no need to feel threatened.

No one's actually looking to reconnect on Facebook.

Facebook's just a place where you go to see if you're winning at life.

Well, how do you win?

By staying more attractive than all your friends from high school, you know?

They should rename Facebook GuessWho'sFatNow.com.

(laughing)

Cheryl Finley.

I'm sorry, but she was very mean.

She called me Triscuit.

What does that mean?

Brown cr*cker.

(laughing)

I'm sorry, but that was a good one... no!

(laughing)

Look, look, social media is more than that, okay?

Like, if I'm feeling sad, I'll post something real vague, like... (sighs)

If Bobby Carmichael wasn't here anymore, would you care?

And then get a bunch of "likes."

Why would they like that?

No, see, Mama, "like" doesn't mean "like," on social media, you know what I mean?

"Like" means like, uh... "I see you."

"I care."

And, uh, that type of support can just turn your whole day around.

(phone dings)

Oh!

(laughs) Vicki Colette just liked my profile pic.

What kind of lonely, desperate woman goes around just liking Facebook pictures?

I mean this, Joe, no more Facebook.

Now, if you need to be stimulated, you've got that little weather girl on the 6:00 news.

Wait, you can't tell me what to do on my Facebook.

It's called "My Facebook."

It's not called "Your Facebook."

It's also not called "My Facebook."

Joe, your little Facebook Web site is a reflection on me, too.

You are my husband.

No, not on here, I'm not.

On here, I'm just Joe Carmichael, raconteur.

Look, look, Mom, stop trying to take away his social media, you know?

If he had a den that he went to for refuge, you wouldn't take that away.

If he had a garage that he fixed cars in, you wouldn't take that away.

Why are you trying to take away his Facebook?

But a den and a garage are private.

Social media is public, and any time you want to put something out there publicly, you need to consider the people close to you.

Especially when it's a ridiculous tweet, like, "People on welfare shouldn't be allowed to eat breakfast."

Hey, hey, that is a good thought, Maxine.

I mean, think about it.

They're building up their strength for what?

Like, what are they doing later in the day that they need Wheaties for now?

(Maxine scoffs)

Cynthia, I completely support you telling Joe what to do.

You know, Maxine, I'm not concerned with the way you present yourself on social media.

Why are you worried about me?

Wh-What's wrong with the way that I present myself on social media?

Well, if we're being honest, Maxine, it's a bit...

Scattered.

Yep. All over the place.

You need a brand, Maxine.

I was going to say self-righteous.

You know, y-you are kind of all over the place.

Your profile picture is a Eiffel Tower with a rainbow filter, and a pink ribbon in the corner.

Wh-What are you supporting there?

Like a, a gay Frenchmen with breast cancer?

Yeah, you can be very preachy, Maxine.

Mm-hmm. I can only read your posts on Sunday.

That's when I'm already feeling judged.

Wait, I'm sorry.

So are you attacking me for being socially conscious?

For-for spreading awareness?

Jerrod: No, no, no. I'm attacking you for being dishonest, Maxine.

I mean, if I only saw you on social media, I would think that you wake up looking perfect, and that you protest the one percent every single weekend.

Okay. Well, then, if I only read your tweets, I would just think that you're some arrogant contrarian, who only says things to get a rise out of people.

Joe: Yeah, that sound like him.

Cynthia: That's pretty spot-on.

Bobby: Yeah, that him.

Thank you.

At least I'm honest, Maxine.

Okay.

So you would never complain about what I do online?

Pssh! No. Why would I care about what you do online?

The Internet's not a real place.

It's more of an illusion than democracy.

Would you stop trying to get that to work, man?

Okay.

Okay. What was that challenging "okay" for?

Nothing.

Mm! That tone and what she said sounds like they at odds.

I'm intrigued.

(phone dings)

Oh! Oh!

Vicki Colette just wrote on my wall, "Hey, you."

(laughing) - How you go "hey, you" somebody's husband?

I can understand "hey," but that "hey, you" is just dripping with sex.

You write her back and tell her, "Me and my beautiful wife Cynthia, we're doing just great."

Well, how am I going to write that?

That's going to make me sound like I'm crazy.

And I'd be lying, 'cause clearly, we're not doing great right now.

Well, we would be doing great if you'd shut up and listen to me.

Hey, y'all.

Maxine, I saw the picture you just posted on Instagram.

Girl, you are so brave.

Well, thank you, Nekeisha.

Jerrod: Wait.

Wh-What is she talking about? What picture?

Bobby: Okay... here we go. Ooh, damn.

Yeah, that's brave, brother.

Okay, I see what you're doing here.

Joe: Oh, well, don't hold out on me.

Let me see.

Oh, yeah. That is brave.

That is very brave.

Maxine!

You ain't got no clothes on.

Is this what y'all calling brave these days?

Yes, I am naked, but all the important parts are artfully covered up.

I took that picture in support of PETA's "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" campaign.

Yeah, well, it doesn't mention anything about PETA right here.

And I ain't even thinking about them little animals, neither.

Put the picture down.

So this doesn't bother you, Jerrod?

You don't want to have any say in my social media accounts?

Nah, nah. I'm good.

You're a feminist's feminist, Maxine.

I don't understand feminism.

What's the difference between being brave and just being a slut?

That is exactly the point, Cynthia.

No one would complain if it was a naked man on the Internet, and call him a slut.

Actually, there is a really great article I would love to forward you, where you could read all about...

That's fine; you're brave.

Maxine, I think it's great that you're showing young women not to be ashamed of their bodies.

Well, I don't know, I mean... if I was a woman, like... this would make me feel terrible about my body.

Matter of fact, I'm a man, and it make me feel terrible about my body.

See, that's why I try to avoid social media, because it's just too many problems.

Plus, it prevents you from being able to experience real life.

That's why I limit my social media use to only when I'm driving.

Once I'm out of the car, I'm there, I'm present.

Experiencing life.

She's not lying.

That's why I stopped riding with her a while ago.

It was a very nerve-racking experience.

(phone dings)

(laughing)

Another update.

Vicki Colette. She says, "I just got back into town. I'm working at Chili's."

Uh, "Stop by any time. Apps on me."

Oh, no, Joe.

You are not getting any free appetizers from any other woman as long as I'm alive.

I forbid it.

What? You can't forbid me.

I forbid you from forbidding me for doing anything.

Well, I don't think it's very smart to tell the woman who cooks all your meals that you're going out to have free food with another woman.

I forbid it.

Well, maybe I don't want your food.

Maybe I got some free loaded potato skins with my name on it.

I'm going to cash that in right now.

Forbid me in my own home.

Joe... you eat some appetizers with that woman, don't think you coming back here to get some dessert with me.

Well, they got some, uh, (clears throat) lava cake...

Did you use a metaphor?

I'm still going.

Joe!

All right, Maxine.

Just take the naked picture off Instagram.

(mocking laugh)

Jerrod, I have never seen you squirm this much before.

This is fun.

Yeah? Maxine, this is weird to me, all right?

You know I got three text messages on the way home that said, "Hey, what's up with your girl?"

Well, why should you care?

I thought we weren't supposed to care what the other person does on social media.

You know what? I get it. I get it.

I am feeding into a double standard here.

I am wrong. I am a jerk.

Have I said any of the buzz words to get you to take that picture down?

Look, there is an easy solution here.

Just delete the offensive tweets, and I will take the picture down.

N-N-No!

No! Absolutely not, Maxine.

That is infringing upon my First Amendment right.

Well, this isn't about your rights.

Your tweets aren't illegal, they're offensive... and you are just saying them just to get a rise out of people.

Oh, uh, and you're not?

Really? That's what a naked picture is for, Maxine, to get a rise out of people.

All right?

You are better than this, and even if you're not better than this, I still want you to take the picture down.

(chuckles) You know, actually, I was a little worried about posting that picture, but now I like having it up there.

It makes me feel strong, uninhibited.

You posted a naked picture online because you were angry.

You revenged p*rn yourself, Maxine, and that's not how revenge p*rn is supposed to work.

Actually, you know, the more you complain, the more empowered I feel.

Fine. Fine.

You know what? I'm going to go to that bathroom.

I'm going to take a provocative picture of myself.

I'm going to post it everywhere.

Nobody wants to see that.

Damn it, Maxine!

Just take the picture down.

Are you doing this for attention?

'Cause that seems desperate.

Wh... I'm sorry.

I am not desperate.

I am frustrated.

'Cause I won't delete some tweets?

Because you won't even consider my feelings.

The tweets bother me.

Shouldn't that be enough?

God, you are so stubborn. I can never get you to do anything that you don't want to do.

That's not true, Maxine.

Remember, when we went to the movies.

I wanted to see Mad Max.

You wanted to see Pitch Perfect 2.

Remember? And what did we see?

Pitch Perfect 2.

Only because Mad Max was sold out when we got to the theater.

Because it was clearly a better movie, Maxine.

Why am I being villainized for having great taste in cinema?

Oh, God!

Why are those tweets so important?

Why do you need the freedom to be publicly offensive?

Because it's fun.

It's so much fun to offend people on Twitter.

It lets me know people are listening.

In real life, I can only offend, like, one person at a time, but on Twitter, I can offend the masses.

Plus, would it make you feel any better to know that my last tweet got 114 likes.

My picture's at 800.

You're a cold bastard, Maxine.

Just take that picture down.

Take it...

(phone rings)

Hello?

Bobby: Hey, it's me, Bobby.

Why are you coming through on both ears?

It seemed too late to knock, man.

(sighs) Look, we got to do something, man.

Mom is on a Facebook rampage.

Mom, what are you doing?

I'm a cyber bully.

Please don't say that like it's a good thing.

Ma, what's wrong with you?

Ma, you know people can see what you're typing, right?

It's okay. I need the world to know that Vicki "Muffin Top" Colette is a straight-up ho.

You barely knew about Facebook this morning, and now you're a cyber bully?

Well, I saw Meredith Vieira's special about Internet shaming, and she was teaching people how to bully.

Are you sure she was teaching?

Well, I learned a lot.

Those 12-year old girls are very creative.

Yeah, they'll tear your heart out, man.

Look, I got some 12-year old followers that just love giving me the business.

Look, Ma, you are saying things on Facebook that you would never say to anyone's face.

I know!

It is so much easier to trash-talk a person from the comfort of my own home.

No, Ma, you gotta stop, all right?

Think about everything you're writing online, and realize that it exists forever.

Once you put it out there, it's out there.

You can't get it back.

And-and once your grandkids start Googling you to see what you've done, they will never see that you've gone to church every Sunday.

They won't see that you volunteered at some shelter, they'll only see that you wrote on Vicki Colette's wall that she's a prost*tute only worthy of sailors.

Damn! Oh, the imagery!

Why are you two ganging up on me?

Vicki Colette is the enemy.

Now, if you cannot think of something mean and nasty to say, don't say anything.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

What are you doing here? I told you not to come back after your little date with Miss Vicki.

I didn't go see Vicki.

What?

You didn't go?

Oh, my God! I've been putting all this nasty stuff up...

Oh, my Lord!

How do you delete? How do you delete?

(phone ringing)

Just delete, delete, delete.

Ma, stop punching buttons. You're calling my phone.

What the hell is going on?

Mom has been cyber bullying Vicki.

Oh, baby. You love me.

I do.

Okay, this is wrong.

Oh, I don't know what happened.

I feel terrible.

I was just sitting here in the house all alone, and I was looking at her Facebook page for hours.

(sighs heavily) I looked at all her pictures and all of her friends, and I read her quotes, and it just made me feel insecure, you know?

Like a high school girl.

Mm-hmm.

I know what you're talking about.

This Facebook is getting in my head, too.

Jerrod, I don't know how you and Bobby can deal with it.

I don't deal with it. I haven't been on Facebook since the Great Parent Migration of 2009.

Joe: You know what it is?

I think I got caught up trying to be this Facebook Joe.

Now Facebook Joe is k*lling it.

He's funny.

He's being quoted in barbershops every which where.

He got rich, beautiful women inviting him out to fancy meals all over the world.

Jerrod: I'm sorry... rich, beautiful women?

Is that what you call a Chili's employee that invites you down to the mall for some appetizers?

Well, I don't see no women inviting you for free food.

Now, the point is, it's too much pressure trying to be this Facebook Joe.

I created something that's unsustainable.

I mean, I can't make 53 people laugh every day.

Besides, I mean, why am I trying to impress all them people?

When the one person I really want to impress is standing right here in front of me.

Aw, honey, let's go to bed.

All right, boys, it's time for y'all to get up out of here.

Night, boys.

Joe: Come on. Come on, baby.

Cynthia: Hurry up, Dad.

All right. I'm coming.

Hey, Dad, what do you want me to do about all these Facebook posts Mom put on Vicki's wall?

Oh, leave them up. I want the world to see these two women fighting over me.

Remind everybody that Joe Carmichael is k*lling it on Facebook.

Oh, and, uh, your mama was right about Vicki.

She sent me... that picture right there.

Not as revealing as Maxine, but still...

Yeah, still pretty revealing, and pretty brave for a Chili's bathroom.

All right.

Do you think she washed her hands after she took this?

Mm!

Okay, look.

Delete this picture.

Block Vicki for me, 'cause I don't need that in my life.

All right.

Joe: Oh, actually... uh, Yeah, and I'll e-mail a copy to myself, just in case.

My man!

(sighs)

Maxine... I had some time to think, you know?

And I got to be honest.

I saw some things tonight that I cannot un-see.

Yeah, I saw your mom's Facebook posts.

She uses racial slurs like she's not black.

Yeah. I know. I know.

You know...

I guess it goes without saying, but I should say it.

Maxine, nobody's opinion means more to me than yours.

I already took the picture down.

Thank God.

All right, Maxine, I-I'll start censoring my tweets a little bit more, okay?

And-and I'll make a deal with you.

Once a month, you can delete my most offensive tweet, but only if it has less than 70 likes, and it's not favorited by a celebrity.

And I get to define celebrity.

Is that cool?

You know, I can just take another picture, and I could just put it...

Okay, Maxine, don't take another...

Well, at least put it on Snapchat this time.

It goes away in 60 seconds.

(laughs)