01x10 - Better Man

[bunniefuu]

(rock music)

Have you ever noticed there are no female cereal mascots?

How does eating cereal become a feminist issue?

There's Tony the Tiger; Toucan Sam; Snap, Crackle, and Pop; Captain Crunch.

What about Fruity Pebbles? Pebbles is a girl.

Nice try, but Fred and Barney are on the box.

What do you want from me?

Dad, what are you doing here?

That's a greeting?

No "Hello, Dad, nice to see you"?

Hello, Dad, nice...

Now it's too late.

We've got a hankering for lemonade.

You've always got this weird bowl full of lemons just sitting here doing jack squat.

You never use them.

Not once have we tasted a dish in this house that had a lemon flavor.

Just take 'em.

(phone dings)

Oh, my God, I just got a job interview at the Weisman Space Center!

Oh, congratulations, sweetheart.

Fantastic.

I'll be honest; I never got this ladies-in-space stuff until I saw Sandy Bullock in that "Gravity."

But I think she handled herself real well.

I've always wanted to work at the Weisman. I'm so excited!

Oh, no.

I can already feel the sleep I'm not gonna get tonight.

I should have slept more last night; but if I'd known, I wouldn't have slept at all.

What if I screw it up? Then I'll never sleep.

Knowing you, you'll get the job, you're gonna do great, and you're gonna win a Nobel Prize.

I do have my speech ready.

But what if it sounds over-rehearsed?

What if it's too long?

What if they play me off with that weird Norwegian award music?

The point is, we're taking the lemons. Come on, Alice. Let's go.

So, viewers, this is my kitchen.

There's my nerdy sister.

There's my giant dad.

Wave to the camera, Dad.

No.

Classic Dad.

Tell me what's happening.

Stella's got a YouTube channel.

I'm giving Mom an on-camera makeover for your date tonight.

My fans are very excited.

I took this from Sephora.

You can also buy it, but that's more expensive.

Oop! Purse spill, BRB.

What's with all the pills?

Just the usual.

Birth control.

Plan B in case I forget to take my birth control.

Oh, and my actress pills.

I have an antianxiety prescription to help me with auditions.

Now you have an anxiety problem?

Not after a glass of Pinot and two of these bad boys.

What is this one?

It's Viagra.

Way to act like you didn't know, Dad.

You dating some super-old guy?

And if you are, can he marry you and pay your bills?

Lots of young guys take Viagra as a party drug.

They say it's even more fun when you don't need it.

Anyway, it's not mine; I'm holding it for a friend.

Whoa, that's the first time I've said that and it was true.

Oh, she missed one.

It's an antianxiety pill.

You know, I do have that job interview.

Maybe I should take it to smooth out my edges.

I don't think taking floor pills is the answer.

Look, your mother is a therapist. Why don't you go talk to her?

I'll do that, and I'll give this back to Stella.

On the one hand, I should be able to deal with my stress without taking this pill.

On the other hand, I just took it.

Uh... ooh... (sighs).

(Exhales)

(rock music)

♪ ♪

Oh, hey, sweetie!

Come look at my makeover.

Aw, Mom.

You're such a pretty mom.

So, so pretty.

Pretty, pretty Mom.

Wow, thank you, honey.

Dad tells me you're nervous about your job interview.

Just remember, keep your shoulders loose; don't turtle.

Aww, turtles.

And don't forget I'm a resource.

Helping anxious people is exactly the kind of thing I went to school for, so people should take advantage of...

Okay, bye-bye.

Look at you. Stella did a great job.

I know! Some YouTube commenter named ILoveMILFs... made a comment so filthy, it was in violation of their Terms of Service policy. Isn't that sweet?

Congratulations.

On a related topic, a recreational party enhancer happens to have fallen into my hands.

What did Stella give you?

She didn't give it to me. She dropped it and I found it. But... turns out it's not just for old couples in side-by-side outdoor bathtubs.

But, honey, you don't need it.

I know, but what if it makes me 22 again?

Mm, to be honest, I remember 22-year-old Mike as energetic but unschooled.

Because he didn't have the knowledge and technique of modern-day Mike.

Think about it.

Experienced, thoughtful Mike up here, 22-year-old Mike down below.

Like some kind of mythological beast.

I'm rethinking my opposition.

Good, because I already took it.

(exhales)

Wow.

Wow.

The beast is no longer... mythological.

(sighs)

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

So why did you insist we go up in your chopper? What's the big mystery?

Well, I want to talk about something... something that I'm not comfortable talking about on Earth.

Plus, this way, if it gets really awkward, I can crash into some rocks and k*ll us both.

So what is it?

It's just... uh... have you ever had to ask your doctor if you were healthy enough for sex?

What the hell kind of relationship do you think I have with my doctor?

Have you ever needed to chemically assist your intimate performance?

Just come right out with it or crash us into those rocks down there.

Your call. I'm good either way.

Do you use Viagra?

No, I don't.

Nice talk. Take us down.

'Cause I tried one just for fun.

I was hoping I could borrow a couple from you, but never mind.

So was it fun?

Yeah, it was like I was 22 again.

Hmm.

Okay, son, I think I know what you need to do.

Oh, yeah, what is that, Dad?

Get me some.

I'd like to be 22 again.

Big Swinging Bob was something to be reckoned with.

♪ ♪

Wow, so he doesn't need anything.

At his age, impressive.

Please... please, stop being impressed by my father's sexual prowess.

Honey, don't be so sensitive. We took it once for fun.

You don't need it either.

Of course not, but it was fun, though.

It made me feel young again.

Made me feel young again too.

Maybe we should do it just one more time, relive our youth.

But you'd have to get a prescription.

Not really. Stella's room is like a CVS.

Mike, we shouldn't inv*de her privacy like that.

Well, she invaded our privacy first by moving back in.

We're actually doing a service for the community.

We're taking dr*gs off the street.

And putting them in your body.

It's recycling. We're going green.

♪ ♪

(gasps)

Oh, my God! Grandma's ring.

Didn't we tell the insurance company that was stolen?

Well, it technically was... by Stella.

Ah, jackpot.

I knew having kids would pay off one day.

What are you guys doing here?

Um...

So this is the load-bearing wall.

Oh!

What are you doing here, Shea?

I was just looking for one of, uh, Stella's, uh, antianxiety pills!

Yeah, that's it!

Wait, that is it.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

Open the hands.

My anxiety pills.

Let's see it, big guy.

Viagra.

Grandma's ring.

I mean, oh, my God, you found Grandma's ring!

Score!

Stella, I just needed the pills for this job interview I have coming up.

There's no way they're gonna hire anxious, stressed-out Shea.

But mellow Shea has a sh*t.

Look, honey, you're an adult.

If you want to take those pills, you can, but... it's safer to get a prescription for them.

Wouldn't it be safer for you guys to get a prescription?

She's got us b*at. Let's make a break for it.

Listen...

You didn't have to steal the pills.

You could have bought them from me.

Look, young lady, we need to have a talk about dr*gs... maybe another time, when we're not stealing them from you, but... it's coming.

Hey, we're family.

First taste is free.

Don't be ashamed, Dad. A lot of older guys need it.

I don't need it. Like you said, it's a party drug that a lot of young people use.

Also, I need one for Grandpa.

♪ ♪

(sighs)

Well, that was the last pill.

The last pill.

Say good-bye to the beast.

You're okay with that?

Yeah, of course.

Well, okay.

I mean, things were fine, and then we had, you know, the pill experience, and now we go back to things being fine.

You know what it is, Mike?

It's like that time we got bumped up from coach to first class.

That was awesome. They greeted us with champagne.

Yeah, how about that chilled lobster appetizer?

Oh, it was better than the food at our wedding.

Yeah.

What was our point, again?

Oh, yeah, we're going back to coach.

(sighs)

But in coach, you still get to where you want to go.

And isn't getting there together, or within a minute or two of each other, the whole point of flying in the first place?

Exactly. We're gonna be great.

We're gonna be better than great.

♪ ♪

So you're saying Mike took Viagra you loved it, but now you're worried.

Yes.

Well, Bob took Viagra, I loved it, and I ain't complaining about [bleep].

I'm just a little nervous about how things are gonna go the next time we're together.

It's like if we hadn't taken the pill, we wouldn't know what we've been missing.

So now I wish I could unknow what I know, you know?

I'm right there with you.

Shea!

How long have you been there?

Too long, really.

I couldn't find a good entry into the "my dad and grandpa are taking Viagra so they can give it to my mom and grandma real good" conversation.

Talk about wanting to unknow what you know.

Honey, what's going on?

I'm also conflicted about the morals of pharmaceutical enhancement.

I have a pill that might help me get a job, but if I get that job, did I get it, or did some chemically aided version of me get it?

And how can I feel good about that?

That's not a rhetorical question; tell me how I can feel good about it, because I really want that job.

You guys, crisis.

I promised myself I wouldn't read the comments on my YouTube channel, and then I did, and now I just wish I hadn't.

I know haters gonna hate, and I know I'm supposed to shake it off.

But how? How? She doesn't tell you how!

Okay, that's it!

You, either like the sex you have or get the pills.

You, either trust that they'll like the person you are or take the pills.

And you, I can't believe you're the one whose problem isn't pills.

(rock music)

I'm beginning to like this new system.

I feel like I can say anything up here.

Like, damn it, I'm gonna miss "Downton Abbey."

Even that stuff with Mr. Bates?

I didn't say it was a perfect show, Mike!

Anyway, I want to thank you for giving me that pill.

The thing is, I... I'd like some more.

Sorry, but my source dried up.

You don't understand, Mike. I can't go back.

Alice is a new woman.

This morning, she made me real bacon.

Real bacon, Mike, not that turkey [bleep].

I'd love to help you, Dad...

I need it, Mike!

I need it bad! I'm chasing the dragon here!

Settle down, Dad!

Neither of us was using before, and things were good.

You're not nervous about going into battle unarmed?

Because I am!

I don't want Alice to give me that "don't worry, it's fine" speech.

I hate the "don't worry, it's fine" speech.

I was there. I know things weren't fine.

Look, the bottom line is, I don't have any more pills.

You got to get a prescription from your doctor.

My doctor? I'm not telling that handsy bastard about this.

Well, that's your only option. They're about $10 a pill.

$10?

I haven't paid that much for sex since Saigon.

And I had to talk her down.

What?

You always ask me to talk about the w*r; I'm talking about it.

♪ ♪

Look, Mike...

I don't need a recap.

I know that was coach sex.

Don't worry. It's fine.

(moans)

Oh, come... we're just...

We're just putting too much pressure on ourselves.

We just have to get out of our heads. Let's watch some TV.

Mm-hm, Mets are playing.

And it's a swing and a miss for Johnson.

Oh, what a letdown. Usually, he's one of the team's big bats.

He cannot feel good about tonight's performance.

Too soon.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Well, so it's come to this: I'm in the parking garage of a doctor's office, waiting to get a prescription for Viagra.

I mean, what's next? Hearing aids?

That little chair that rides up and down the stairs?

Ooh, I've always wanted one of those.

They do look like fun, huh?

You know, from now on when they ask what prescriptions I take, I'm gonna have to list this.

I'm gonna have to put it on forms, Martina. Forms!

Okay, let's try to chill out. Take some deep breaths.

Listen to some music.

Um, I'll put on a relaxation CD.

But not that whale songs one. It makes me sad.

They all sound like they need my help.

Vodka? What's vodka doing in the car?

(both) Stella.

We did something right with that one.

I wouldn't mind a sh*t.

Me neither.

We take her pills; we might as well drink her booze.

I seem to recall Stella was conceived in a car not unlike this one.

I kept honking the horn by accident with my back.

That was an accident? I thought you were saying, "Good job."

Remember that?

Having sex in cars?

It was all so new and exciting and crazy.

Long time ago.

Doesn't feel that long ago.

You are just as beautiful as the day I met you.

More beautiful, I would say.

And you, still so strong and handsome.

Look at these things. They're like granite.

Keep talking.

Or... maybe we should stop talking.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Hey, here's an idea.

Well, I loved your last one. I'm all ears.

Let's get out of here.

We don't need those pills. We got a backseat.

You know what? You're right.

This will be my new pickup line.

(car beeps)

(laughs)

♪ ♪

Look, Dad, Mom's makeover video already has 80,000 views.

And you can make money off that?

Even better, I get exposure.

And how does that lead to your own apartment?

(laughs) Dad, you're so funny.

Could not have been more serious.

All right, I have got champagne and tissues for Shea.

Champagne if she got the job.

Tissues and champagne if she didn't.

Hey, did you get the job?

I did.

Hey!

Yay!

But then I lost it.

Oh.

Aww.

What happened, honey?

Thanks to the antianxiety pills, I was relaxed, calm, confident, but then they told me all new employees are required to take a drug test, at which point I ran out of the room abruptly and came right home.

I don't think they test for antianxiety medication.

I know that now.

But I don't think they're going to hire the person who squealed and ran away when she heard the words "drug test."

Did I not mention I squealed?

Rookie mistake. You always bring clean pee.

And I could have gotten you some.

Oh, wait, I get mine from you.

How did I not know that?

How do I unknow that?

Mike!

We need to talk.

♪ ♪

Okay, we've reached speaking altitude.

I wanted you to know I caved in and got a prescription... not from my doctor but from some q*eer downtown.

Dad, I don't know if we're at h*m* altitude.

What? That's how he identifies.

He thought "bisexual" was constrictive. I'm trying to be respectful here.

Look, if you need a pill, I'll give you one.

Well, thanks, but I'm off them; I'm clean. What changed your mind?

Well, I figure I'll take one every now and again when I want real bacon in the morning.

Hey, let's face it; I take pills for my heart, and I like my Johnson a lot more than my ticker.

Better land this thing safely.

I do not want those to be the last words you ever say to me.