01x06 - George Hosts a Golf Tournament

[bunniefuu]

220 in the air, another 30 on the roll, so 260.

Not gonna argue with that math.

George!

What are you doing here?

There was a little snafu with the Adam Sandler celebrity golf tournament that you're supposed to be in this weekend.

Like, there is no Adam Sandler tourney this weekend.

The sultan of Brunei offered him 500K to play around as his "Happy Gilmore" character.

How come you don't get me gigs like that?

Well, I didn't book that particular gig, Danny did.

Danny's my manager too.

Yeah, well, listen.

If you would calm down...

Hey, if you would just pause for one second, I will tell you about the gig that Danny and I and Gabrielo did get you.

Yeah, it's the... the George Lopez charity golf tournament.

Ta-da.

Oh, my God, that's amazing.

When is that?

Well, it's... So, try to follow me.

You'll be here, but Sandler will be all the way in Brunei.

Basically, Chebby wants you to take over the tournament from Sandler.

He's handing you the torch.

George Lopez golf tournament, that... that... I can't believe that.

I thought it was a Toyota tournament. When did Chevy take over?

Well, Toyota dropped out when Sandler did, but then Chebby stepped in.

Wait, you keep saying "Chebby"?

Yeah, that's right. It's a Chinese car company.

That calls itself Chebby?

Aren't people gonna confuse it with Chevy like I did?

Yeah, that's the point.

It's a golf tournament sponsored by an Asian car company.

It's the perfect platform to impress our friends in Vegas.

Plus, it was a total team effort, Danny lobbying hard for Majorca, but me, here on the ground.

Well, you know what?

Need a couple more buckets, man, I gotta practice.

No... not now. You gotta go.

You have a meeting with Chebby. And a charity.

I don't know where it is.

Well, I'll text you the details.

I'll text you the details.

Manolo, come on. Let's go, fool!

You gotta go.

(upbeat Latin music)

They want me to host my own tournament!

Can you believe it? I can't believe it.

No, man. That's awesome.

You bet your ass it's awesome...

Wait.

Who are you?

Oh, Dad.

Uh, this is Damon. He's the one taking me to Burning Man.

He goes every year.

Oh, hey, Damon. What's up?

Yeah, there's no way he's taking you to Burning Man.

Relax, Mr. Lopez.

Relax?

Well, no one will be driving.

My dad got us one of those driverless cars.

Yeah, that's smart.

You don't have to worry about keeping your hands on the wheel.

You guys can just sit in the backseat, do whatever you want.

No way.

Dad, come on.

Am I just gonna sit at Mom's house all weekend and do nothing?

Yes, that's a great idea. Better get moving. Pack a bag.

Nice to meet you, Jason.

Listen, man, can't keep the charity people waiting.

They're more powerful than the mob these days.

On the couch, little separation.

Your dad's kind of scary.

(both laughing)

Diabetes, that's...

That's a very important issue.

It's actually type 2 diabetes.

Is that one better?

Well, we think so.

I mean, yeah, type 1 gets all the glory, but, uh... type 2 will sneak up on you.

Is type 2 the one you get from drinking a lot of soda and eating candy?

We don't like getting into the blame game here, George.

It's time that type 2 is no longer the redheaded stepchild of type 1.

Hey, I can feel your passion.

You're right... type 2 is definitely a... very worthy cause and most definitely deserving of its own celebrity golf tournament.

Exactly.

We are so pleased to have you aboard.

Thank you.

Ton of people dropped out when Sandler left.

Mm-hmm.

Rob Schneider was a, uh... a big loss.

Big star.

But you're here now and we are so excited to see how you replenish the ranks.

Replenish?

♪ ♪

Hey, you guys never told me I had to find my own celebrities.

You know how hard that is?

Well, we didn't expect so many of them to drop out.

Yeah, totally unexpected.

It's been an exodus of biblical proportions.

You need to stem that tide.

I guess I could ask Eddie Griffin, Don Cheadle...

Seal started to play golf... I know he likes it.

Those are good names.

Really good, yeah.

You have good friends. It's just...

Just what?

It's just that they're a little bit colorful, George.

You know, we were hoping for a little more diversity.

Diversity... that's code for black and brown people.

Traditionally, yes. Yes, absolutely.

But in this case, we're thinking golf people.

Golf people.

Yeah, like Blake Shelton.

Or an Adam Levine. Or Carson Daly, perhaps.

Or the Osmans. You know, Pat Boone.

Casper the friendly ghost, his girlfriend, Wendy.

You're upset.

Ollie Joe Hazmit.

That's not even a name.

But you know that we need to appeal to whites and Asians to land this Vegas residency.

That's right, George.

You've done a great job of building your brand with your base audience, but now we need to build on that, okay?

♪ ♪

Does it have to be white celebrities?

Yes, that's why we're here and not at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.

Is this a taco place?

No, Olly said this is the hippest in-place around.

Wait a minute. It is a taco place.

And it's expensive.

What's a truffle taco?

$85, whatever it is.

That's why I'm glad George is paying.

All right, guys. I need white celebrities. Look around.

Hey, ask that guy if he's the guy from "Homeland."

Excuse me. Are you from "Homeland"?

(laughing)

I knew that wasn't.

Hey, I can get you Steinfeld.

He gets his car detailed by one of my boys.

That dude is funny.

Okay, you do that, Manolo.

See if you can get Jason Alexander too.

I'll try, but I don't know him like I do Big J.

Big J?

That's my nickname for him.

He loves it. Hey, look. It's your friend.

(camera clicking)

Tiddlypie? That fool ain't my friend.

Maybe you can get him to play in your tournament.

Okay, I said I needed celebrities.

He's not a celebrity.

Oh, but he is a celebrity.

He's got a modeling contract with "Vogue" and a holding deal with NBC.

And he's white.

White.

♪ ♪

You want fries with that?

Hey, George! How you doin' man?

'Sup, Tiddlypie. How you doin', man?

You want to take a selfie? No problem, no problem.

(camera clicking)

There we go, man.

Hey, man, listen, I'm hosting a golf tournament this weekend.

Oh, man! I love golf!

Wow, cool, 'cause I actually wanted to see if you wanted to play.

Uh, looks like I just landed Jerry Seinfeld.

It's for charity and stuff.

I love Seinfeld!

Hey, what charity?

Diabetes.

Juvenile?

No.

Oh, uh, type 1?

No.

Oh, type 2.

Type 2.

The soda one.

Well, they don't like to play the blame game.

Totally, get it. Yeah, that should still be fine.

Oh, good.

Hey, hey.

Let's take another selfie.

All right.

(camera clicking)

Cool, there you go.

All right.

See you then!

(cell phone ringing)

Hey, Olly.

You got Tiddlypie?

Yes, yes, I did.

George, you should have told me this.

I had to hear it from Danny.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. So Danny represents Tiddlypie too?

(mouthing words)

Uh... bottom line, George, bud, you did great.

Chebby is thrilled. (chuckles) They already posted it on the website.

Are you over there yet?

No, I'm at the driving range. I'm gonna practice a little bit.

George, your meeting with Chebby's in ten minutes.

- Go, go, go!

One small issue...

Tiddlypie gets $50,000 in performance fees.

Well, hey, if they're wiling to pay $50,000...

Oh, they don't pay.

Then who pays?

♪ ♪

Well, it is the George Lopez golf tournament.

♪ ♪

Oh.

In comfort and style, Tamaro: The car of tomorrow.

Anyone who knocks a hole in one will be the proud owner of this baby.

The Chebby Tamaro Hybrid.

Did you say Camaro?

Ta-maro: it means "wind" or something in Chinese.

Now we're also replacing the shifter bezel with stronger material, replacing the 6.2-inch touch screen with a better 7-inch model.

Oh, yeah. That sounds good.

And if you wouldn't mind working in a few jokes that trumpet our new nickel-plated batteries, our design team will be much appreciative.

Come on, man, I got a whole filing cabinet full of nickel-plated battery jokes.

Oh, George Lopez coming through!

Now about the celebrity players.

We love Tiddlypie. He is so funny, I cannot even.

"I cannot even"... Is that good?

Oh, it's great.

All right.

Who else you got?

Um...

Um... Seinfeld?

What... Jerry Seinfeld?

Uh, we call him Big J.

This is going right up on the... we're posting this.

(speaking Chinese) Jerry Seinfeld! (speaking Chinese)

(all speaking Chinese)

This is gonna work out great.

♪ ♪

Hey, Manolo.

Better have gotten the Big J, man. Lock him in. Call me.

Hey, George, you want to come over and watch the game?

Feeling a bit blue, so could use some yuks...

No, I'm busy... I'm actually hosting my own charity golf tournament this weekend.

Golf? I love golf! My people invented it, you know?

Well, you know, the buy-in's a little steep, my man.

No, no, that's great, because my wife just had a great year.

We could use the write-off.

(phone chimes)

Oh, wait a minute.

Jerry Seinfeld is playing!

Are you kidding me? My favorite comic ever!

Now he's funny. He's funny.

Okay. I'm right here.

I'll get my checkbook.

Yes, I'm golfing with Seinfeld!

Coming up next on ESPN, it's the George Lopez charity golf tournament for type 2 diabetes, sponsored by Chebby.

ESPN is here?

Isn't it great?

Theye're gonna broadcast your foursome all day.

Oh, okay.

Be excited.

That is... That is exciting.

Hey, Manolo.

This thing is huge, man. ESPN.

Hey, so Big J's coming? You said he was coming.

You got him?

Don't worry, jefe, I got him!

Man, you spelled his name wrong.

Dude, you gotta fix that!

(car horn honking)

Here he is.

What's up, man?

Jake... Jake Steinfeld.

You're the same boys!

Wow.

Hey!

Big J!

What do you say, buddy?

What's up?

All right!

Thanks for coming up!

Georgie, huh!

Hey, Jake, how are you?

All right, man.

How are you, man?

Wow, good to...

What's wrong, amigo?

Looks like you just seen a ghost.

You're looking great, though, buddy.

I'm psyched... I am pumped to play some golf! Yes!

Hey, Manolo, you realize what you did, dude?

Did good, right?

(grumbles)

This day could not be more perfect to have every single one of you here with me to introduce the brand-new Chebby Tamaro Hybrid.

My grandmother, God rest her soul, she always told me from the time that...

I thought you said Seinfeld.

My grandparents love Seinfeld.

I was gonna get him to pull my wagon.

Pretty sure I said Steinfeld.

Come on, here we go. Right here, boys.

(cameras clicking)

But enough about me.

Let's welcome to the stage our host, Mr. George Lopez.

(applause)

Thank you all for coming.

What better way to raise awareness for type 2 diabetes than to load up on bagels and cream cheese and ride around in golf carts?

(coughing)

Uh, but, you know, let's rev up our engines and finally lick this disease once and for all.

And don't forget to test-drive the Chebby Tamaro Hybrid.

And once you feel the power of dual nickel-plated batteries, you'll wish that you were niniel-plated.

(scattered laughter)

Was that a d*ck joke? I didn't get it.

I don't know.

All right. Have fun, everybody.

(applause)

How was that?

Well, it's over.

Go play golf.

(upbeat music)

Hey, Georgie. So we decided to make things interesting.

1,000 bucks a hole. What do you say, huh?

Well, listen, I... I didn't really get a chance to warm up, guys, and this is for charity.

"I didn't get a chance to warm up."

(laughter)

You want to hit off the lady tees?

(laughing) Good one, Tiddlypie.

Oh, I gotta write that one down. Wow, that's cold.

Man, that's funny. Oh, you okay, George?

Let's see what he's got, fellas.

(ball whooshing)

(whistles) Wow!

$1,000 a hole? That's all?

(laid-back music)

♪ ♪

Now why is this guy a celebrity?

I...

Let's see what you got.

(ball whooshing)

(laughter)

Hey, Tiddlypie, you want fries with that?

(laughter)

Hey, Georgie, you know, I'm interested in your Pebble Beach house. Uh... how much you want for it?

Oh, it's not for sale, Jake.

Oh, you should tell that to your real estate agent.

(cell phone alarm blaring)

Oh, man, excuse me.

Yeah, I can't talk. I'm in the middle of something.

Wh... no, why would you be dropping off Erica's books?

Yeah, of course she's with me. Where else would she be?

Hey, man, Erica played me. She went to Burning Man.

Oh, damn, it's all dirty naked people there.

We gotta find her before she gets there, or I won't see her for six days.

No, you can't leave your own tournament.

Yeah, but I gotta go. She... she's missing.

Well, we'll get her. Between social media and find-your-friend apps, there are very few ways for a teenager to disappear these days.

It's almost sad.

We could use the credit card to track her.

Ooh, see, yes. Go play golf.

We'll find Erica.

Yeah, you're right, okay.

Uh, still kinda hard to focus, though.

♪ ♪

Damn!

♪ ♪

(groans)

This is Erica. You've reached my voicemail.

Who even talks on the phone anymore?

Erica, it's Dad.

Give me a call when you get this message, okay?

It's important. Call me back.

(electronic music)

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ ♪

(coughing)

(coughing harder)

And for security purposes, can you give me the name of your first pet?

Patches.

That's correct.

The last charge was in Lone Pine.

Thank you for that.

So now we move to the seventh hole.

Yes, where a hole-in-one could win some lucky golfer this brand-new Chebby Tamaro.

(intense music)

♪ ♪

If you're in the market for a home, I'm the pretty one on the card.

Okay, yeah, you got, like, beach houses and stuff like that?

Everything. #AllitaBarridas #Beatlt.

Uh, yeah, yeah. Call you.

You're up.

Hey, honey.

Hey, baby.

Hey.

We're getting a lot of interest on the Pebble Beach house.

Did you talk to Jake?

No.

'Cause I told you I wasn't selling it.

Let's hear his offer first.

Hm?

♪ ♪

(drum roll)

No.

Yeah! (cheering)

Hole in one! Hole in one, oh, my God!

Whoo-hoo! Hole in one!

And a grand! Oh, my God, I get a car!

Whoo! T-Pon in the house!

We weren't expecting that.

You weren't expecting... This guy's horrible.

That went in the hole.

It's the only Tamaro we have in North America.

Get him to donate it back.

Why me?

He's your friend.

(scoffs) He's not my friend.

(camera clicking) That was good, TPod.

Oh, yes!

Wow, that was sick.

Nice job, Tiddlypie.

Let's see what he's got.

Waiting to see what you got.

(drum roll)

(laughter)

Oh, think... I think they got full coverage.

Yeah, really, Lopez, that was...

Oh, no, hold on, hold on, I'm getting this one.

That's right. I shanked it.

(camera clicking)

(phone line trilling)

This is Erica. You've reached my voicemail.

Who even talks on the phone anymore?

(beep)

(laughing)

Hey, George, you should have brought a beach towel with you today.

Oh, I get it, 'cause I'm in the sand, huh, Tiddlypie?

(both laughing)

Hey, the guy from the charity wants you to donate that car back.

Ooh, sorry, Lopez.

No Seinfeld, no car.

Then I gotta pay for it.

Sorry.

(laughing)

♪ ♪

Tiddlypie!

Hey, Georgie, the pot is up to 5 grand on this one.

Hey, you give any more thought to the Pebble Beach house?

Not now, Jake!

Ooh, simmer down, huh?

Hey, fellas, huh?

What's that?

World famous George Lopez.

(phone line trilling)

This is Erica. You've reached my voicemail.

(dramatic music)

George... Georgie.

Don't make me entertain this crowd with my one-arm pushups now.

♪ ♪

(whistling)

(imitates crashing)

And the pot keeps growing. 10 grand!

Where's your ball, George?

I don't know, but I'm gonna find that damn thing.

(engine revving)

Well, things have backed up on the 11th hole because George Lopez seems to have commandeered the Chebby Tamaro to try and find his ball.

He really doesn't want that penalty stroke.

(phone chimes)

Oh, man.

Damn!

(camera clicking)

Damn!

Ouch. Son of a bitch!

You know, you don't need to take all that stuff for depression, man, seriously.

Exercise, come on. That's a natural high.

Yeah, but if I exercise and take the dr*gs, I'll be off the chain hook happy.

Stephen, you're an animal.

(laughing) Right, Tiddlypie?

Yeah.

Son of a... oh!

♪ ♪

(car horn honking)

Erica, what's up?

Whoa, Manolo, you come to Burning Man?

Yeah, I go to Burning Man.

Awesome, it's like two miles to get to the festival.

♪ ♪

What's up, dude?

Hey, no, Manolo, it's up the hill.

Where are you going, dude?

Just follow the people in the zebra costume.

I'm not taking you to Burning Man... I'm taking you home.

What?

Manola, seriously?

Hey, what about my car?

It can drive itself home. (laughing)

(laughing)

Actually, get the hell out.

(engine revving) (tires squealing)

All right, men.

Winner of this one takes home 12 grand.

I hope it's you, Jake.

(phone chimes)

Come on, Georgie.

Whoo! Good news.

Hey, you may want to use your driver for this one.

Hey, that's cute, Tiddlypie.

What time are you due back in Boys Town, huh?

Look, junior, I'm putting for dough... your dough.

♪ ♪

(drum roll)

Whoa!

Wow!

Oh!

Whoo!

Nice putt! 12 grand, man.

12 grand.

Neighbor.

If I were betting, that would be wrong, but I just happen to have $12,000 to donate to type 2 diabetes.

You want fries with that?

Whoo! I got an idea.

Let's take a selfie.

(camera clicks)

Zrrt!

How's that, ESPN?

That... that's my line. I say that.

Yeah, it's his line now, man. That's his line.

George, the fallout from this tournament keeps getting better and better.

Oh, man, that's great.

Good news.

Chebby wants you to be their spokesman.

Spokesperson.

Will you just give it a little rest?

I like what you're trying to do, but not now.

Okay, guys, all right. Yeah, of course ESPN wants me.

Come on, my putt made it on ESPN's top-ten plays of the week.

They gonna put that in the ad? That'd be awesome if they did.

No, I don't think they are going to use that particular clip.

They cut an ad together if you want to take a look.

Uh, yeah, let me see.

(dramatic music)

Golfing with George Lopez.

Damn! sh*t!

Son of a bitch! Farts!

Where's your ball, George?

I don't know, but I'm gonna find the g*dd*mn thing.

The Chebby Tamaro Hybrid.

It'll take you anywhere.

Son of a... oh!

(laughter)

It's funny, right?

Yeah, it's hilarious...

So what are they trying to do, make me look like a jackass to sell their cars?

No, the point is to make you look like a relatable, every-man underdog to sell their cars.

George, they'll pay you $1/2 million.

Is that a lot of money to him?

Take it, George.

♪ ♪