05x21 - And the Ten Inches

[bunniefuu]

Miss, I'm done here.

Oh, I've been done here for years.

You don't see me getting a parade.

(generator hums)

Oleg: Oh, looks like we lost electricity.

Uh-oh, all the food in the refrigerator will go worse.

Earl: Is it a bad sign that I can actually see everything better?

Well, we finally found lighting that made the food look edible.

Yeah, it's almost dark enough for Caroline to agree to have sex in here.

Max, have you ever seen balls in light?

They're not pretty.

Han: Nobody panic!

The power is out in the whole building.

We've got less energy than a Steely Dan concert.

Han, you look exactly like a Doozer from "Fraggle Rock" right now.

All right, we've got to keep the diner safe from hooligans and looters.

You're still on the clock!

And you're on my foot.

Sorry, Earl, I can't see you in the dark....

But not in a r*cist way.

And I can't see you in the light in a short way.

Han, who would loot this diner?

Unless they're looters looking specifically for disappointment.

Max?

Just taking this vodka and cash register to a safe place.

(Peter Bjorn and John) ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

(cash register bell dings)

Our new dessert bar is under construction and it's not quite there yet.

Kind of like the credit card bill I lied about mailing, but I've chosen you two to be the first to get a preview.

She invited other people. They said, "No."

She told me there would be some hard candy.

Better be some hard candy.

I have peppermints inside.

Then we're fine.

So it doesn't look like much now, but with a little moxie and a lot of work, it's gonna be gorgeous.

Like Khloé Kardashian.

Is that the one that's a dude now?

Okay, where's my treat?

Impressive, and you've stolen almost nothing from the diner to do this.

Oh, wait, I see my sport coat is being used as a paint rag.

That coat's yours?

I thought it belonged to a service Chihuahua.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, yeah.

Hubba, hubba, hot stuff.

You know, if I were still single, I'd let you Spackle my hole.

You heard what she said, beefcake.

I'm not gay.

I'm just very pro-harassment.

I'm proud of you, girls.

You're making your dreams come true, and my dreams, too, assuming you'll allow me to start a tab here.

I'll never pay.

Does this mean you're not paying your tab at the diner?

Uh-huh.

Earl?

He walks fast when he wants to.

I gotta get going too.

You know, we just came from the baby doctor, and he put me on bed rest.

At first I thought the doctor said, "Bed arrest," which is one of my favorite games.

Sophie, what's wrong? Are you okay?

Well, I'm five months along, and the baby already weighs 15 pounds, so the doctor's just a little worried.

He's afraid it'll fall out like a watermelon through a plastic grocery bag.

Come on, baby, let's get you in bed and get your legs up.

I can't believe none of this has to do with sex.

Yeah.

Knock, knock. It's Randy.

I got a six-pack...

And I brought some beers.

Who wants some warm, wet, deli beer?

This is why you're the best boyfriend ever.

Warm, wet deli beer is the official drink of my personality.

So, Randy, look.

What do you think of the new bar space?

I've got a bar-related question.

How you gonna fit in the bar?

It's all right here on the blueprints, see?

The bar goes here, so that leaves ten feet for the cafe tables and the front door entrance.

Uh, you see this number ten right here?

You see the two dashes after it? Those are inches, not feet.

You got 10 inches.

First time I've ever been disappointed with 10 inches.

Well, that's the last time I get an architect from the "casual encounters" section of Craigslist.

(knocking on wall) Ugh.

The lady from the pizza place next door is banging back again.

Yeah, they should pay less attention to our business and more attention to their own.

There's so much oil on their pizza, the U.S. might inv*de it.

Randy: You know what?

I think we've just blown past "warm beers."

I'm gonna go get us some whiskey.

10 inches always looks a whole lot bigger with bourbon.

Oh, my God, Max, we need more space.

I know; we spend way too much time together.

Hey!

Enough with the noise, cupcake b*tches.

You gotta stop with this freakin' racket already.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down, Gina.

What, 'cause I'm Italian, my name's gotta be Gina?

It's Angie. Gina's my middle name.

Oh, I thought your middle name was "bangs a lot."

Angie, we're expanding our shop, and we have a permit for the construction, so it's above board.

Which, yes, even I'm surprised about.

You got a permit to destroy my business?

Nobody wants to eat pizza next to this constant freaking racket.

What's your freaking point?

Max, I didn't know you spoke Italian.

Follow me.

I want yous to see the hell you're making.

Um, that's a firm pass.

I'll throw in a free slice.

Okay.

(video game beeping)

See?

See what you're doing to our office from all that banging next door?

You're destroying it.

Uh, look, you can't destroy a room that has this strong of a "hostage basement" vibe.

You got cracks, and falling plaster, and my brother and I are fed up.

Right, Angelo?

He says, "Right."

He's my twin.

We agree with our minds.

Um, Angie, when do we get that free slice?

Not to be pushy, but a deal is a deal, and today's a carb day for me.

(hammer banging on wall)

What the frig?

I just got my hair cut for our high school reunion.

Now it's ruined.

(hammer banging on wall)

It's a frickin' w*r zone in here!

My father would be turning in his grave if we'd been able to give him a proper burial.

How you gonna make this right?

Look, Angie and Angelo, we're sorry about the inconvenience, but it'll just be another week of construction.

We promise to keep the noise down to a minimum.

Right, Max?

She's agreeing with her mind.

Hey, just came by to see if everything's okay, and to say I've never seen the statue of David with a slice of pizza over his junk.

Who's this hunk of gabbagoul?

This hunk is Randy, and he's my...

Lawyer, and I'm sure he's here to make sure there's no problem.

There's not problem, right, Angie?

The only problem I see now is that shirt on him.

Hi, I'm Angie, but I'm thinking about changing my name to yours.

Props, that's a good line.

So, Angie, what do you think?

Can you stand another week of the construction?

(clicks tongue) All right.

I'll give yous two another week, 'cause of Randy here, but that's the last thing I ever do for you two.

You, I'd do whatever you want..

Tonight and in perpetuity.

"Perpetuity"?

Better not be Italian for "the butt."

Guys, I have a genius idea to fix the dessert bar problem.

What if somehow we could convince Angie to let us break through the wall and rent out their back office?

Come on!

This is a genius idea.

Their business is struggling, and we could pay them rent.

It's either that or we have to use dollhouse furniture for the dessert bar.

You know what? She's right.

It is a good idea.

You just gotta figure out a way to get on Angie's good side.

Maybe you bring her a bouquet of cigarettes.

Okay, Caroline, the only thing Angie likes about us is him, and honestly, the only thing I like about us is him.

That's perfect; we should bring Randy over there when we go ask her.

Randy, this has got to work, so wear a tight shirt, and maybe put a little Parmesan behind your ears.

(video game beeping)

(construction banging)

Uh.

So, Angelo, any idea when your sister is getting back?

(video game music)

Well, it is a long commute from hell.

Oh...

Hi, Randy.

I would make out with you, but I just got a manicure, and I like to use my nails.

Next time.

So we came here with a business proposition, and some delicious cupcakes.

I'll need the plate back.

Get those away from me!

I'm going to my reunion in a dress so tight you could see the kidney Angelo gave me from when I had renal failure from drinking too much Tab.

First of all, Angie, Max and I are so glad to hear that you pulled through from the renal failure, but the real reason we're here is... did you see Randy?

Look, let's move this along.

We want to bust through this wall and rent your little pizza hut here.

Well, I'm in charge, and I'm not renting to yous two.

I don't have time for this.

I still don't have a date for my reunion tomorrow, and this stress is bad for my face.

I already have more filler than a two-hour "Dateline."

Angie, how does a woman like you not have a date for your reunion?

I mean, not to be too forward, but hot magenta really brings out your eyes.

Well, you're not wrong.

You know what would be wrong?

If Randy didn't take you to your reunion tomorrow night.

Do you want to be punched in the face with my ring hand?

Randy: You know what?

That... is a great idea.

Angie, I would be honored to take your to your reunion.

Oh, my God!

Really?

What about Angelo? What's he supposed to do?

Angelo, do you want to bring one of these two to the reunion?

They're not my type.

Two fives make a ten, right?

Oleg! (bell dings)

I know we don't really have standards here, but the customer said that her steak shouldn't do this.

Well, tell her not to turn the plate upside down then.

I'm FaceTiming with Sophie.

She's lonely.

Say "hi" to Caroline.

I'm not that lonely.

Ugh, I just scrubbed a table.

That is how upset I am.

I should have never let Randy go to that reunion.

And I should have never let Buddy Holly get on that plane, but what're you gonna do?

Other than play it over and over again in your mind for 60 years.

Max, it'll all be worth it when we get that extra space for our dessert bar.

Why would God make Randy look like that if not to help us get stuff?

I'm worried about Randy.

He is strong, but she has the strength of ten horny women.

Somebody talk to me.

I'm dying here.

I just watched all eight seasons of "Perfect Strangers."

I'm... I'm just... I'm... I'm Balki'd out.

I just felt a shift in the force.

Did somebody clean a table over there?

Is everything okay?

She's upset because Angie from the pizza parlor next door needed a date to her high school reunion, and Randy took her.

Well, that's hurtful.

I've asked Angie out twice.

They're not on a real date, Han.

He's just trying to convince her to let us rent their back office.

Randy's wasting his time.

It's actually Angie's delightful brother Angelo who controls the lease.

Angelo's in charge?

Angelo's "delightful"?

Ugh, I am so bored that I just got a degree from DeVry University.

So she tricked Randy into going to that reunion with her?

(scoffs) I am going to the high school to get my man back... oh, my God, I sound just like my mother.

We should go there and sweet-talk Angelo into giving us the space.

Oh, but we're "not his type," which is a shame, because I really wanted some of that 50-year-old video-game-addict money.

Well, where are we gonna get tacky dresses and hair from 1986?

(gasps)

I can make you look like it's 1986

'cause I lived in Poland in 2003!

(upbeat '80s music)

♪ ♪

How you doin'?

How you doin'?

How you doin'?

Max: Oh, Jimmy Vecchio!

It's Max... Blackilini.

Doesn't ring a bell.

What about me?

It's Caroline... uh, Cacciatore!

Didn't we take math together with Mr. Bag-a-two-shoes?

Never heard of him.

Both: Eh!

Forget about it.

Oh, there's Angelo dancing by himself.

No surprise there.

Wow, I've never seen a sweat-suit tux.

Angelo.

It's Max and Caroline from next door.

Um, you probably don't recognize us.

I'm hoping no one does.

What? I can't hear you with the babe alarm going off.

Whee-ooh, whee-ooh.

Oh, well, same to you.

What is that, terry cloth?

Actually, we came here to talk to you because we wanted to ask you about renting out your back office.

We know you're the big cheese.

You know, since you're here, maybe we, uh, cut a rug?

She hasn't cut her rug in about four months, so...

We could, uh, start off on the dance floor, and if we happen to end up in the back of an '86 Cutlass Supreme, so be it.

So be it. Forget about it.

Excuse us.

Max, I am not a whore.

That's not what your hair, dress, and makeup say.

Look, you pimped Randy out for that extra space, and now it's your turn.

You want that back room, make it happen.

On the count of three, say "sex."

You handle Angelo.

I've been wanting to k*ll someone for using a selfie stick, and she is the lucky one.

Angie, God rest your soul, get your hands off my boyfriend.

(laughing) Max, what're you doing here?

Please tell me that's a wig.

She tricked you into coming here.

She is not in charge of the pizza place.

Her brother is. This is my hair.

Angie, is that true?

Did I do the Electric Slide for nothing?

Well, not for nothing.

We came in second in the dance competition.

Okay, fine, it's true.

Angelo's in charge.

My father thought he was the smarter one because he wore glasses as a kid.

Randy, are you okay?

Did the bad lady touch you in any of the good places?

Look, I'm sorry I lied, but for what it's worth, I'm having the night of my life.

Believe it or not, I wasn't popular in high school.

I didn't date a football player or get pregnant.

For once, I just wanted to show up a winner.

Hey, Ange!

Oh, no.

Here comes Michelle Pascucci.

Please, don't ruin this for me.

Who's this, Ange?

What's she doing holding on to your fiancé like he's the last cannoli at a wake?

Forgot to tell you, I got engaged.

Wait.

Unless that's not really your boyfriend.

'Cause, uh, you're known to lie.

Well... she's not lying.

He's been cheating on me with her for years.

I, uh, caught 'em at the Olive Garden.

I smell a catfight, and Drakkar Noir.

Catfight!

Oh, come here, bitch.

Crowd: Oh!

Just follow my lead.

Okay, careful.

I spent $65 on my hair.

I was hoping not to touch it till next week.

Don't touch my arm, bitch!

Crowd: Oh!

Oh, I shouldn't touch your arm?

Maybe you shouldn't touch my guy.

Crowd: [gasps]

Finally, this party's getting good.

(quietly) Push me back.

Crowd: Oh!

Did you just push me?

Yeah, I pushed you, but not as hard as your boyfriend was pushing me in the back of the car.

Oh, hell no, bitch!

Now...

Crowd: OH!

I told you not to touch my hair!

Crowd: Oh!

Oh, my God!

She's got a freakin' Kn*fe!

All right, I'm out, but only because...

I'm on parole for pulling out a woman's bangs on the F Train.

Let's get out of here, Ange.

Is my hair dented?

I'll fix it, Hun. I got a chopstick in my purse.

Get over here, you sloppy second.

Wow.

I kind of like having a knight in shining... what is this, aluminum foil?

Well, it is warming up the ravioli I put in my bra.

(George Michael's "Careless Whisper")

Max, can I have this dance?

♪ ♪

So you think you and I would have dated in high school?

Well, when I was in high school, you were in your 30s, so... yeah, that sounds right.

I just convinced Angelo to let us rent the back office.

I mean, I may have to be his date to the Auto Show.

Wear something nice.

Like a silk blouse or a bikini.

♪ ♪

He wants to show me off.

I never went to anything like this.

A reunion or a prom or a class.

What do you do at these things?

Michael: ♪ I'm never gonna dance again ♪
♪ Guilty feet have got no rhythm ♪
♪ Though it's easy to pretend ♪

(cash register dings)