01x08 - The Relationship More Populated

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Dean Weinstock.

Might I have a word?

Weinstock is retiring as dean and he's recommending me as his replacement.

We have a serious f*cking Lori problem.

Lori has just accepted a seat on the prestigious Hamilton School Alumni Board.

How much ass-kissing can you squeeze into three days, Assistant Dean Trakarsky?

Emma: I've been working crazy hours on this huge pitch for a... a fancy new theater at The Hamilton School where Jack works.

I thought we could play hooky.

We have jobs to go to.

Nina: What are you?

I'm just [crying] their booty call?

Emma: H... how does she realistically fit into our work, our jobs, our lives?

Why aren't we just walking away from this?

Mom?

What was that?

Did you hear that?

Sorry. Think I must have butt-dialed you.

Sweetheart, I... I don't know what you think you heard...

You mean the part about Izzy not being your niece, or the part about you guys paying her to have pervy, three-way sex with you?

We got some negotiating to do, don't we?

No.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[laughs]

No, no, no.

[school bell rings]

Shh. Breathe. You got to breathe.

This is not happening.

It is happening.

It is happening.

Please tell me it's not.

And you got to breathe through it.

Breathe in and out.

No. Breathe.

I'm breathing. This is horrible.

You're not. You're talking.

You got to breathe through it and get yourself together.

Get yourself together, Jack. Stop.

Hey, you guys. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Yes?

You might not know this, but I am a very ambitious young woman.

In addition to class president, I think I should also be captain of the soccer team.

Maybe we can come up with, like, um, a more realistic arrangement, you know?

Something like shoes.

Really?

Woman love shoes.

Wow, misogynistic much?

But I don't hate the idea.

Maybe we'll do a shoe of the month thing, too.

Before I forget, f*ck you, Ava!

Oh.

Noted.

Honey, honey, honey, honey.

No, no, no, that's not... that's not helping.

Let's, you know... okay, let's take a quick recap.

The presidency thing is gonna be hard, to be honest.

Because people don't like you.

No one likes you.

Your name is Ava for Christ's sake.

It absolutely screams superiority complex!

Really?

Yeah, really.

Honey.

Oh, my God.

That's not fair, honey.

[crying]

Oh.

I think we overstepped our...

Oh, God. No. No, no, no, no, no.

No, you have friends. You have friends.

Ava, it's such a pretty name.

I should know better.

I'm sorry. That was really inappropriate.

[laughs]

Oh, man.

I'm kidding!

Oh! Oh!

Everybody knows the dean throws away the ballots and picks the class president.

We're teenagers.

We'll vote for whoever promises beer in the vending machines and designated pot smoking areas.

Okay, let's say hypothetically I could deliver the presidency?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you kidding me?

Where is this gonna end? Next thing you know, you'll be doing her homework.

Honey.

Oh, my God. You have the best ideas!

Okay. You know what?

Oh, my God, honey!

Whoa! Whoa!

No, no.

No, no, no, no. Stay back, stay back.

That is not the answer right now!

Put that do... Put it down!

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Okay, what we need is to focus on solutions.

Presidency.

Work it out.

Okay. The soccer thing's gonna be difficult.

I'll be honest. Can you even kick?

I am an A/B student, and I need the extracurrics to get into Berkeley.

[school bell rings in distance]

[cellphone chimes]

Oh, I got to scoot.

We got a deal...

Dean Trakarsky?

Don't do it. Don't do it.

Jack. Jack, do not do it.

Do not do it. This is a mistake.

Do not... don't do it. Don't do it.

Yeah. Great.

Can't wait.

Yep, me too.

Anyway, bye-bye, super freaks.

Are you serious?

[♪]

Girl: Hi, Mr. Trakarsky.

Hi, girls.

Weinstock: There they are!

And now he's here.

Uh, Dean Weinstock, thank you so much for you support.

I... I... I was so nervous.

Well, it didn't show. You were fantastic.

You should be proud, Trakarsky.

I am super proud, always.

As opposed to ashen and weird.

No, um, yeah. You know, I've been going through...

There's a lot happening right now with my stomach.

I've, you know...

You know, I'm always tellin' you, I have that thing.

Yeah. Yeah.

And that's why. In, like, here.

Yeah. Yeah, I got a...

Emma, we want you to do something special and distinctive.

Really? Are you serious?

That... that's amazing! Thank you.

Wow.

It won't be official until the Alumni Board approves it, but...

Wha... sor... sorry?

The Alumni Board?

Yeah, the Alumni Board.

Our... our Alumni Board?

Yeah, it's just a formality. It's nothing to worry about.

Hey, Mr. Trakarsky.

Oh, oh, I... I didn't realize.

Hello. Yes, the ones we both...

Honey, we both need to be approved by the Alumni Board.

Wow, that's... that's an extra step.

Are you two okay?

Can we go in together, get, like, a two-for-one?

[laughter]

Apart from this one's deformed GI tract, you're okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Wow.

No, we're just so excited.

We are more than okay.

So much on the horizon for us.

I mean, yeah. It's... and look at this day.

I mean, the sun is shining.

[both screaming]

What the f*ck are we gonna do?!

f*ck me!

God!

Oh, my God.

Short term, let's just get some vodka.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

[sighs]

I love you. We're gonna get through this.

Mm-hmm.

But I'm almost certainly gonna have to k*ll that girl.

Right. Wait, what?

[♪]

Professor: So, what we're gonna ask you to do is e-mail your topic choice tomorrow.

Or PJ... either of the TAs.

And then we will okay it.

Really? Every f*cking day you can clearly see me coming, but I have to ask you to move your legs?

Really? Every f*cking day you show up 10 minutes before class ends just to scam notes?

Professor: And think outside the box.

Now... for the, uh...

Um, okay, this time I'm dressed like a horny sorority girl, and, um... nothing?

[sighs] Wow.

I am so shocked.

Older dudes pay you to dress like cheerleaders and sorority girls?

Jaw on ground, mind blown, nothing makes sense anymore.

Are we good? Good.

What are you doing? What is that?

Nothing.

What is going in that increasingly disturbed little mind of yours?

Is that some kind of list?

I have some shopping to do.

Oh, well, it's about time.

I'm always the one schlepping off to the grocery store, making sure that we don't starve.

Do you honestly think I'm leaving class early to buy bagels and Count Chocula?

And spicy ramen?

No. But I love you.

Talk to you later.

So, for everything decided before that point will be accepted.

And after that point...

Hey, cutie, I was wondering if I could...

And here we go.

Oh, blow me, Bill Gates.

Not an insult, Phi Gamma Stupid.

[♪]

So, this is us now. These are our people.

Polygamous lushes. Did not see that coming.

What are we gonna do about Izzy now that we have this whole Ava problem?

I say we jump right in, enjoy it.

What?

We're getting blackmailed anyway.

Right, so we just invite her over and write a new check.

Finish out the four weeks.

Mm.

Nina: Oh, my God. Mr. Gasmer?

Nina!

I almost didn't recognize you.

You look so... young.

I've been working out. Went vegan.

Jack: Sit her down. We sit Izzy down, right?

"Izzy, be like, we've gotten way off track here, okay?"

I'll be right back, Mr. Gasmer. Just sit.

Everything okay?

Sit.

Okay.

Stay.

So she's got to recognize that...

Totally.

... and it's different from her other clients.

Well, hey, Uncle Jack.

Oh, sh*t.

Aunt Emma? You, uh... you're pretty hot, you know, for a woman of a certain age.

I'm pretty sure I don't qualify as a woman of a certain age.

I'd say that I'm surprised to see you two here, but [chuckles] I'm not.

Yeah, see, this is where all the desperate suburban 30-somethings go to convince themselves that they're still cool.

Listen, we've had one m*therf*cker of a bad day.

And I'm seriously on the brink of losing my sh*t right now.

So I seriously suggest that you consider shutting your...

Hey, honey, honey. This is Nina.

This is Izzy's roommate.

The one who walked in on your husband and your mutual girlfriend... the other day.

But I... I understand that you guys have since crossed that threshold together.

Well, everybody knows everything.

We can't keep f*cking anything quiet.

Whatever. Izzy really digs you guys.

Wait. What? She likes us?

Did she say that to you, or...

She likes him, or she likes me, or she likes both of us?

Tell her... tell her... just what exactly what she said.

Well, was... me? Me a little bit more?

Shitheads, focus.

Yeah, what are your intentions with my girl Izzy?

'Cause she came home really upset this morning.

And I'm not convinced that it's in her best interest to continue seeing you guys.

She was upset?

So convince me.

Well, you know what? We... we're not...

We don't have time or the energy to convince anyone of anything.

So why don't you just go back to your client, okay, before I tell the manager that, you know, you're hooking at his bar.

Uh, I'm an escort like your girlfriend, not a hooker.

It's just...

It's very blurred.

What is she doing?

I am confused.

Hey, Billy.

Does she work here?

I don't know.

The manager of this old-person utopia is one of my best clients.

No, thank you.

Drink.

Uncle Jack...

Yes.

... if you try and jump my sh*t one more time, this is gonna end really poorly.

Is that clear?

Jump?

I'm not trying to jump. I'm not trying to do anything.

Listen, I don't know what your thing is...

Look, guys, I'm just a loyal friend who held Izzy while she cried this morning.

We wrestled really hard, but then we hugged it out again.

Sounds complicated.

Just shouldn't have said the thing about the wrestling.

Look, my point... my point is, is that I'm gonna be the one putting the pieces of Izzy back together after you guys move on.

So what's the deal?

Are you guys really breaking up with her?

No.

No.

No, we can't break up with her. We were never really with her.

Bullshit. And you know it.

Mnh-mnh.

No, it's true. We... we... we don't...

We just, you know... we want to put it...

We're all on the same team here. We're all on the same team.

We are, you know... we're going back to the beginning.

f*ck you.

We're putting it back and making it a finite business arrangement.

Finite business arrangement.

I could maybe get behind that.

Really?

Write the check.

Stop f*cking around.

[♪]

Okay. So, just so I'm clear on what you're asking of us.

You want us to cover for you for the duration of this deranged program that you're on.

And that's it? It's over after that?

Yep.

I mean this is Hawthorne Heights, right?

It's not some sex commune.

Okay, but are there really sex communes?

They're all sex communes, yes.

When you hear commune, you don't even need the sex part.

That's all they're doing is sex.

I mean, we have kids, you know?

Everybody in the neighborhood has kids.

That's why you come to this neighborhood.

You have kids. You settle down.

You pump 'em out, you know?

That... I'm sorry. That's insensitive.

You're working on it. It's gonna happen.

It's definitely gonna happen for you two, I believe it.

[clicks tongue]

Okay. Okay. Move on now.

Okay.

Nah, it's okay.

We just let it get away from us a little bit, to be honest.

We mistook it for something it never really could be.

Okay, but, Em, you are pressing reset, right?

You're putting it back to a 4-week business arrangement?

[scoffs]

Like, writing a new check.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah. We say Izzy went back to Syracuse with her mother, who... who's my sister.

Yeah. I'm sure this murky gumbo of bullshit won't come back to haunt you in any way, shape, or form.

Okay.

All we have to do is lie our asses off for the remainder of the contract, right?

Yep.

That's good practice.

You know, in a few years, we're gonna have to lie to our own kids and tell them we never smoked weed or ate shrooms like they were dried fruit.

So, there is one other disturbing new twist.

Ava Matherfield knows, and she's blackmailing us.

Ava knows?

Yep.

And you want us to help you k*ll her?

Why does it always circle back to m*rder with you two?

This neighborhood's going to hell.

That's what's happening here. Going right to hell.

Nice. Let's get this going before the hangover kicks in.

[chuckles] Said the spiraling alcoholic.

[sighs] I don't know. Every... everything I type makes us sound like dicks, you know?

It's like nothing nice ever comes after "from this point forward."

Yeah, but we've got to...

[knock on door]

Hey.

Hi.

You're here!

Yeah. Sorry.

Whoops.

Wearing pajamas.

I am.

Is that a tent?

It is.

We were actually just texting you.

Oh, what does it say?

Nothing.

It's... we can just tell you now because you're here.

Is it, uh, you guys are breaking up with me?

Uh, well, s... see, that... that's the thing.

No, I get it. I do.

Just from what she said? Her four words?

Yeah, I was a bad, um... whatever, I was a...

I was a bad third. I moved way too fast and I scared the sh*t out of you guys.

So now you're retreating and you're trying to reinstate the ground rules and probably make it into a four-week, uh, business arrangement again.

Is that... is that... am I... is that close?

Um, in the general zip code, yeah.

Damn.

It's a gift.

I brought some things.

Just hear me out.

You know what? Just...

Wow. You're like Mary Poppins' way cooler granddaughter.

We're gonna do something other than sex.

We're gonna hang out together, but we're gonna do it here and not in the daylight, where you could face the scorn of your peers or lose your boring jobs.

Uh, we built some serious momentum going in the other direction.

Okay, so, uh, after tonight, if you still feel that way, then I will leave, and you will never see me again.

But I'm not gonna take your money.

It's all or nothing.

Well... she's here.

Right, before we do any of this, I just want to make sure we're all on the same page.

Nope.

Tonight we are going to f*ck pages, f*ck boundaries, f*ck parameters, f*ck all of it.

We're just gonna f*ck our fear.

f*ck our fear?

Yeah.

We ready?

Yeah.

We're gonna start here.

[sighs]

This is a very, very good pizza.

Not your Hawthorne Heights sh*t.

So I'm gonna need you to warm this to precisely 172 degrees Fahrenheit.

It's part of the plan?

Yes. Yes. And after that, I'm gonna need both of you to get into pajamas.

Nothing sexy. No lingerie, Jack.

Just PJs, okay?

Okay. I guess you're the boss.

Good. I'm glad we finally realized that.

Heads up.

And I highly suggest that you split that, 'cause it's very strong.

I feel like things are about to get weird.

They are, 100%.

[We The Ghost's "Come Down" plays]

♪ To the floor, to the floor ♪
♪ I can't dance anymore ♪

Wicka-wick-wick!

♪ I know you like my soul ♪

I can fly!

[laughs]

♪ Baby, take my hand ♪
♪ Let's get out of this room ♪
♪ Let's go somewhere quiet ♪
♪ Somewhere it's just me and you ♪
♪ And knock knock, baby, let me in ♪

I can fly!

♪ I don't wanna be your friend ♪

Aah!

♪ I wanna take you places ♪
♪ That you ain't never been ♪
♪ And knock knock, is anyone home? ♪

[beatboxing]

♪ Light's out, but I see your glow ♪
♪ Don't wanna feel that pain, wanna skip that game ♪
♪ You're so fly ♪
♪ You've got me so high ♪
♪ So high I don't wanna come ♪

Going down.

♪ I don't wanna come down ♪
♪ You've got me so high ♪

Izzy: Oh, my God! [laughs]

♪ J-just don't make me come down ♪
♪ Just don't make come down ♪

[coughs]

♪ Oh, oh, just don't make me come down ♪

And this holy nectar is commonly known as ranch.

And you may dip freely.

It's a pizza-gasm.

We're starfish on a beach.

Yeah.

But we're still people, right?

♪ And throw away the key ♪
♪ Oh, knock knock, baby, let me out ♪

Oh, God.

It's so good.

Is it?

She's so flexy.

Oh!

Oh!

[laughter]

♪ DJ Jack, my rhymes are incredible ♪
♪ I think it's about time that we have another edible ♪

Seriously, guys, do we have another edible?

This is so good.

Nothing's ever gonna be this good again.

♪ Just don't make come ♪

Wicka-wick. Mm, mm, mm, mm.

♪ J-just don't make me come down ♪

Go lower, go lower, and lower and lower and lower.

♪ Oh, oh, just don't make me come down ♪

That's amazing. I don't know what it is.

♪ Ooh, ooh, just don't make me come ♪
♪ J... just don't make me come ♪
♪ J-just don't make me come down ♪

[beatboxing]

Am I crazy to think we could get a recording contract?

♪ Down ♪

Do something to this.

♪ Don't make me come down ♪

Ow.

♪ Just don't make me come ♪

It's okay, I got it.

♪ J-just don't make me come down ♪
♪ So high ♪

Izzy: Go, Jack. Go, Jack. Go, Jack.

♪ You've got me so high ♪

Go, go, go, Jack.

♪ So high I don't wanna come ♪
♪ I don't wanna come down ♪
♪ You've got me so high ♪

Upside-down guillotine!

♪ So high, just don't make me come ♪
♪ J-just don't make me come ♪
♪ Knock knock, baby, let me in ♪
♪ I don't wanna be your friend ♪
♪ I wanna take you places ♪

In the name of all that is holy, what the f*ck are we gonna do?

All the pizza's gone.

Oh.

Did you eat it all?

I'm sorry.

I'm coming down now and realizing how stunningly dumb this conversation is.

That is so dumb.

[knock on door]

[gasps] Who the hell is that?

Who is that?

Who is that?

Man: You know I can hear you guys.

[knocking continues]

Oh, no.

I'm pretty sure that I heard them say...

It's the police!

"10-4, call the K-9s. They have dr*gs."

Calm down, people. I am not the police.

[whispering] We have dr*gs!

I'm the pizza man.

And you are obviously very, very high.

We are so high.

Izzy: Shh!

I ordered pizza.

You ordered pizza?

Everywhere. Pizza.

[♪]

I love you. I love you so much.

Do you know that? I love you.

Ma'am.

Uh, here you go, man.

Come on, babe. Pizza.

Come on, Em, let go of the pizza man.

I'm so sorry.

♪ Just take me high ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm losing my breath ♪
♪ Little I have left ♪

Izzy: This is nice.

Best night ever.

♪ You got me harrowing ♪
♪ In all this tension ♪
♪ When you're caught of your leap? ♪

Told you.

♪ Ohh, when we arrive ♪

Maybe this is doable.

♪ Yeah, we arrive ♪

The road less traveled, the relationship more populated.

♪ You follow the lights ♪

Why does it have to be scary?

♪ You spinning me round and round and round forever ♪

Maybe it doesn't.

♪ Whenever I am this time for worse, for better ♪
♪ Let's see how fast this thing can fly ♪

Just to be clear, this is you inviting me to move in?

♪ Right through the night ♪
♪ This love is sky ♪

And now this is happening. f*ck, I did it again.

Sweetheart, I... I think we need to talk.

Don't do that. Don't do that.

Don't talk to me like I'm a child, okay?

I'm already trying to will myself to just disintegrate.

[whispers] Should we say something?

[whispers] I don't know what to say.

Okay.

I'm gonna sit up and we'll just... we'll just rewind to right before I said anything about permanent cohabitation, okay?

Ready?

Here I go.

Why do you guys keep making me feel this way?

I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm... I'm actually confused.

Did you think this was permanent?

'Cause... it can't be.

What?

This... this can't work.

And the longer we try, the messier it's gonna get.

This is real.

I know that you guys feel this just as much as I do.

Right?

You can't honestly sit here and say that I'm f*cking alone.

I'm not crazy. I'm not.

Izzy, no one is saying you're crazy.

f*ck you guys!

I mean, we have careers. We have neighbors.

I mean, we can't just bring you home to... to introduce you to the parents.

As what? That's like...

This... this... this is not a commune.

This is Hawthorne Heights.

We're trying to have a baby, for God's sake.

So you're afraid? Is that it?

Of course we're f*cking afraid.

We have something at stake, Izzy.

We have stuff to lose.

You're at a different place in your life.

How the f*ck did we let this happen?

It's not worth it. It isn't, you know?

I... it's...

I can't do this.

Izzy, please.

[sniffles] I can't do any of this, any version of this.

Izzy, just sit down for a second.

You don't need to run out of here.

Izzy.

[sobbing]

You don't deserve me.

Izzy.

Izzy.

Come on. Let's all just settle down and...

In like a week or a month, you're gonna realize how bad you f*cked up.

Because you were afraid.

What the f*ck just happened?

I think we just broke up with Izzy.

And then she broke up with us.

[sniffles]

It's okay. Don't cry, please.

It had to happen. We knew it had to happen, okay?

Should we go after her.

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

I don't know what to do.

Stupid, stupid, stupid Trakarskys.

f*ck.

[♪]

Go.

♪ I've been waiting on the proper time ♪
♪ I was hoping that you'd take my line ♪
♪ Make it pure and make it still ♪
♪ All mine ♪
♪ You were saying, "When you know, you know" ♪
♪ When we were walking in the year's first snow ♪
♪ Hushed white in Alpenglow ♪