01x12 - In Hiding

[bunniefuu]

Well, I'm heading out.

You know how I feel about what you're doing.

Dad, it's not that big a deal.

The hell it isn't!

I don't know why you're being like this. I give up. I got to go.

Well, don't tell your mother. It'll k*ll her.

What's going on with you and Ethan?

I'll tell you what's going on. I don't want to tell you what's going on.

That's what's going on.

You're fun to share with.

Look, I'm gonna pay you a compliment.

Ethan is really amazing.

Smart, handsome, a professional golfer. The whole package.

Gee, you're making me blush.

But you, you're steady. You're like the Best Western of sons.

Solid, dependable. You know what you're getting.

So I'm the son you settle for when you're too tired to find something special.

See? You get it.

(upbeat music)

♪ ♪

Oh, are you girls going out?

Yeah, my friend's DJing at this strip club.

You want to come with us? I'm bringing hand sanitizer.

Oh, I don't know. Those places are so sad and exploitive to women and really something I think we, as a society, should try to move away from.

It's a male strip club.

Well, that's just fun. I'm in.

(hip-hop music playing)

I got some singles.

Here you go, Mom.

Oh, no.

I'm a married woman. I'm just here to watch.

Well, you are in for a treat.

This is a gay club, and gay clubs have the hottest male strippers.

Although it should be said, the impossibly high standards gay men put on each other lead to chronic insecurities and body dysmorphia.

Mm-hmm.

On the other hand... damn.

Ooh, that's my friend Jason.

All right, buckaroos.

It's time to save a horse and ride a cowboy.

Make some noise for John Wang.

I came up with that horse line.

I mean, I saw it on a bumper sticker first, but then I came up with it again later.

(country-rock music playing)

♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

He's really good.

♪ ♪

I mean, he's really good.

♪ ♪

This is for you.

Big fan.

Wow, someone's got a crush.

Don't be silly.

If anything, he reminds me of, you know, th-the guy who lives with us.

Dad?

Yeah. Him.

When he was... younger.

Mom, look.

I couldn't be looking more.

No, over there.

Oh, my God. Is that Ethan?

What's he doing here?

Well, he's in a gay strip club with his arm around another man, so he's either gay, or...

Yeah, he's gay.

Wow. I always thought he had a thing for you.

But then again, you're kind of built like a boy.

What an inoffensive observation.

(upbeat music)

♪ ♪

Whoa, whoa.

Back up.

What were you doing in a gay strip club?

They invited me.

Yeah, she's our friend.

Not sure I approve of your friends.

Dad, you should have seen Mom. She was totally vibing on this one stripper.

Only because he reminded me so much of you.

You said Dad used to look that way.

I said... (chuckles)

He used to dress that way.

Ass-less chaps?

We're missing the main headline here.

Ethan is gay.

You mean gay, gay?

You can just say it once.

Wow, that's a surprise.

That must be why Dad's so upset with him.

Grandpa can be so old-fashioned. I mean, isn't everyone kind of gay now?

Sure, why not?

This just makes me sad. Mike, you have to talk to your dad and tell him that rejecting Ethan is wrong and being gay isn't a choice.

Well, you're right, but on the one hand, he almost paid me a compliment today, but, uh, on the other hand, I don't want him to like me just because I have sex with women.

Women?

Well... you, specifically.

And other women, if you run off with that stripper.

(sighs)

I think he's a little young.

Ha, that's what's holding you back? Okay.

I will talk to Dad.

And if you'll excuse me, I am gonna go do 1,000 sit-ups, which I can totally do.

If Ethan told Grandpa, he must have told Grandma too, right?

Oh, I'm sure Alice knows.

I know what?

Um, about Ethan.

What about Ethan?

If you don't know, we can't tell you.

If there's something going on with my son, I need to know about it.

Okay, Alice, we were just at a gay club, and Ethan was there with his arm around a man.

So you're telling me my son's gay?

Oh, I need a minute.

My son's gay.

Ethan is gay.

I have a gay son.

Okay. I'm fine with it.

Wow, I've had people in therapy for years and they can't do what you just did.

Maybe it's you.

Well, I need to talk to Ethan.

Do you think he's still at the club?

We could go back and see.

She just wants to see her cowboy.

He's not my cowboy.

He belongs to all of us.

(hip-hop music playing)

(cheers and applause)

Can you believe this club is only 38 minutes from our place?

Practically around the corner.

We should do more family stuff here.

I don't see Ethan.

Well, we're here. Might as well enjoy the rest of the show.

All right, our next dancer will turn you on by any means necessary.

Give a big welcome to Malcolm Sexx!

(hip-hop music playing)

I found my cowboy. Dollars, please.

♪ ♪

Mm, mm, mm. He is fine!

♪ ♪

I'm making it rain!

♪ ♪

Mom?

Ethan?

♪ ♪

Okay.

Ethan should be here any minute.

Are you ready, Alice?

So my son's not just gay. He's also a stripper.

Now, I think it's important to...

Just give me a minute.

Okay. I'm fine with it.

Wow, that was easy.

A mother's love... plus four appletinis.

So Ethan is... uh... he's...

Super hot and incredible at stripping? I know.

If he weren't gay, I'd so hit that.

Stella, he's our uncle. That's creepy. Right?

It'd be creepy. Right?

Would it? I mean, he's our stepgrandmother's son.

That's true. We're not related by blood at all.

Way I see it, he's just a hot set of walking abs we have to objectify because, you know, feminism?

Hey, guys.

Mom, here's your ten.

I didn't feel right keeping it.

How could you not tell me you were gay?

Hold on. I'm not gay.

Interesting.

How 'bout that?

But... but you had your arm around some blond guy.

Oh, Dave. He sprained his ankle. I was helping him walk.

I'm just dancing here.

Oh.

You're okay with this, Mom?

Because Dad is completely pissed I'm a stripper.

And he didn't want me to tell you because he thought you'd be upset.

You have your church group and everything.

Please. All their kids are disasters.

Margaret's son turned their Honda Odyssey into a meth lab.

Totally voided the warranty.

Well, thanks for understanding, Mom.

Well, I got to get going. I have another set.

Wait. Does anyone else think I'm gay?

Oh. Mike does.

I better call him before he talks to your father.

(phone buzzes)

Voice mail.

Martina. Voice mail.

I'll listen later.

Look, Dad, I know why you're mad at Ethan.

He told you?

Well, Martina did, and it was surprising to me too, but, you know, it's not a choice.

Of course it's a choice. They're paying him!

They are?

He can make $1,000 a night, depending on how many guys go in there.

Do you have any idea what he's doing with those men?

I have some idea, yeah.

I've seen pop-up ads.

Parading around half-naked.

Bet he gets fully naked.

No, no, no. That's against the rules.

Rules? Oh, I'm pretty sure they're free to do what they want now.

Well, I'm guessing he has some moves.

Of course, I was pretty good at it in my day.

What?

But it was different then.

I was in 'Nam on a gunboat. No women around.

You do anything to pass the time.

Are you telling me that you were so bored in Vietnam that you had sex with men?

No! We danced to rock and roll.

What the [bleep] are you talking about?

I thought we were talking about Ethan being gay!

Ethan's not gay!

He's just dancing for gays.

Oh!

Ethan's a stripper.

That's why the girls saw him at that club. So you're not mad at him 'cause he's gay.

No!

You're mad at him because he's a stripper.

No! Well, I hate that too.

But... what really upsets me is that he's given up his dream.

I mean, one little case of the yips and he quits golf.

Well, look, just 'cause you're mad at him, don't push him away.

I know what that's like, and it's not good. You need to talk to him.

Well, he's at that club right now.

Well, we could go there. I want to go check out this cowboy guy.

♪ ♪

(rock music playing)

Can't say I've ever been in a place like this before.

Don't be a p*ssy.

Look, going to a gay strip club with my son to see my other son dance wasn't exactly on my bucket list.

I don't see Ethan or the girls, so let's just relax and grab a beer.

Uh... uh...

Jeez, what do you have to do to get a drink in this place?

Don't answer that.

Excuse me. This is from that gentleman at the bar.

I knew something like this was gonna happen.

See, in the gay community, I am what's known as a "bear."

So please tell them I am flattered...

No, sir. It's for him.

You were saying?

Seriously?

Ah. Scotch on the rocks. Look at that.

The gays have the same drinks we do.

How could he pick you over me?

Mm. Don't be jealous, Mike. It's not a good look on you.

You know what? I had my back turned to the bar.

I was slouching. He probably didn't even see me.

The gentleman has made his choice.

Look, I think it's pretty clear which one of us should be getting the free drinks.

I have another drink.

Here we go.

For you again, sir.

This is ridiculous. Let's go look for Ethan.

Ah, in a minute. I want to enjoy my two free drinks.

I'll drink one of 'em.

Uh, Mike, it wouldn't be fair to my suitors, plural.

Hi there.

Oh, thanks for the drink, uh, but I'm just here to watch my boy dance.

Oh, we're all here to watch our boys dance.

You don't understand. I'm married.

Me too.

To a woman.

Me too.

Sounds like we have a lot in common.

Jeez, Ethan. Put a shirt on. Nobody needs to see that.

He's not the boss of you, Ethan.

Hi, Mike. What are you doing here?

Came here with Dad. He wants to talk to you.

I, uh, don't know what's taking him so long, though.

I mean, basing home-field advantage in the World Series on who wins the All-Star Game?

I mean, it's just an exhibition!

It should be the regular season record.

Yeah! You, sir, get me.

This is weird. I got to go.

Thanks for staying, Mike.

You know how hard it is to talk to Dad.

I could use all the support I can get.

Let me give you some advice.

Just keep telling yourself, "He's not a young man; don't punch him."

Because... you're gonna want to.

Oh, there you are.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, look.

I'm here to talk and to listen.

And I want you to know, no matter what you say, I will never accept this.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with you?

First of all, I can't believe you're okay with your son stripping.

Whenever I do anything sketchy, you ask, "What would Jesus say about that?"

Well, what would Jesus say about this?

I'm sure Jesus would be very impressed with Ethan's moves.

If Jesus came back, do you really think it would be to a gay strip club?

How am I gonna tell people that my son is a stripper?

I'm a dancer.

And this is a way to practice and pay the bills until I get a better gig.

I've been auditioning.

I've got an agent. I've sent out tapes.

But how can you give up our dream of you being a golfer?

I'm not giving it up.

I can't do it anymore. I tried.

You didn't try hard enough.

Hey, give Ethan a chance.

Mike, I'm talking to my son.

You're also talking to my brother.

Look, you're the one who always said success is how you handle failure.

He had a failure. He's handling it. He's moving on.

You should be proud of him.

Thank you, Mike.

Dad, before you came into my life, dancing was my dream.

But then you took me golfing, and I was good at it.

You were great at it.

And I loved it.

But that's gone now.

Dancing isn't golfing.

But it's a legitimate career and an honorable dream.

Yo, Malcolm Sexx, you're on.

And be careful out there. The pole's pretty lube-y.

I'm leaving.

Uh, don't go. Just watch me dance, and you'll see. I'm really good.

I don't need to see that, Ethan.

I thought we wanted the same thing. But I guess I was wrong.

Dude, never fall in love with a stripper.

All right, all right, all right. Coming up next, once again, Malcolm Sexx!

And side note, the club owners would like me to remind everyone that that nickname is not meant in any way to trivialize the heroes of the civil rights movement.

Now get those dollars out!

(Ginuwine's "Pony" playing)

(sultry music)

♪ ♪
♪ If you're horny ♪
♪ Let's do it ♪
♪ Ride it, my pony ♪
♪ My saddle's waiting ♪

Wow, I had no idea.

He's amazing.

♪ If you're horny, let's do it ♪
♪ Ride it, my pony ♪

Still not creepy, right?

He's just dancing, Shea.

But is it creepy I like it so much?

It's creepy that you're talking to me while I'm having dirty thoughts about him.

♪ ♪
♪ Peepin' your steelo ♪

(cheers and applause)

Mm, mm, mmm.

Mm.

Hey, what's your problem? Get up and clap! That's my son!

(hip hop music)

(Ethan clears his throat)

Oh! Baby, you were so good!

Mmm. Aw, thank you, Mom.

Dad.

You stayed?

I did.

And I'm glad I did.

You are really good.

And if dancing is what makes you happy, then that's what you should do.

You're a dancer, and a dancer dances.

Some guy was singing that in the john, and it stuck in my head.

That calls for a round of drinks.

Uh, don't worry about me, Mike. I get my drinks for free.

Let me buy. I've got a lot of singles to get rid of.

One of us could go help him.

Normally, I'd steal him for myself, but you're my sister.

So go hit on our hot uncle and become our aunt.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I'm pretty sure he's into you.

Plus, I just made out with one of the strippers backstage, so... already checked that box.

Hey, Ethan.

Oh, hey, Shea.

So...

So...

So there's something I kind of want to tell you, but I don't want it to be awkward.

Well, ah, maybe it's the same thing I've been wanting to tell you but I was afraid it was awkward.

Okay. Here it goes.

(cell phone rings)

Sorry.

I have to take this. It's my agent.

Hello?

Seriously?

O-of course I'll be there!

Thank you.

What was that?

They liked my tape. I'm gonna be dancing in "Aladdin" on Broadway.

(gasps)

You'll be great in that. No shirts.

Broadway. Dream come true.

But...

I have to move to New York.

That's far away.

About what we were gonna say to each other...

Maybe one day.

Come on. Let's tell everybody.

I just got a call from my agent.

I'm gonna be dancing on Broadway!

(all gasp)

Really? Broadway?

Well, that's something I can brag about!

I think we may be in the perfect place for it.

Hey, everybody!

My son is gonna dance on Broadway!

(cheers and applause)

And before that, he was a professional golfer!

And now he's gonna dance on Broadway!

(cheers and applause)

Are you okay, Mom?

My son is moving across the country.

Ah, I'm gonna need more than a minute.

Mom, we'll talk every day.

From the gentleman over there.

Oh, my. (chuckles)

Oh, well, I'm just gonna have to tell him I'm married.

Actually, it's for him.

Yes! Finally!

Lucky you. You should see him dance.

You know, I'm a little tired of hearing about this cowboy.

I've got some pretty sweet a-moves myself.

I know you do, honey.

That's it. DJ! Hit it!

(Ginuwine's "Pony" playing)

♪ ♪

(laughter)

♪ ♪

(cheers)

♪ ♪