05x06 - Johari Window

[bunniefuu]

Previously on House of Lies...

Marty: That's right!

You get a partnership!

Doug: What?

And you get a partnership!

No. No way!

[Clyde screaming]

Are you serious?!

We are on our way to Angeles Crest Highway.

Don't worry, I'll have Jeremiah home by 2:00, Mr. Kaan.

I'd like for you to advise the campaign.

All right, I want you to be part of this.

I'm not taking no for an answer.

Ron Zobel? What the f...?

Ron: Oh, hi.

I got your message last night, man.

And the way you talked about working together, I'm yours, balls deep, my brother.

[elevator bell dings]

woman: Good morning.

Marty: Morning.

What the f*ck is going...?

[beeping]

Try it now.

[elevator humming]

I forgot my key card the other day, too.

Key card?

Yeah.

You know, I just keep it around my neck.

I'll get you a lanyard.

Oh, great.

A lanyard.

[elevator bell dings]

Yeah, bye.

[indistinct chatter]

Martin!

[Marty groans]

Get your ass over here! Come on!

You look rested, man. How was the cruise?

Anchors aweigh, huh? Anchors aweigh.

Yeah, it wasn't really that kind of a trip, Ron.

Sorry, all right, all right.

Okay?

I had no idea I'd be coming back to f*cking Quantico.

I mean, what clearance level do I need to walk into my own g*dd*mn office?

Did you get my e-mails?

Yeah, I got about 200 of the f*cking things.

I hired you to mind the store.

Not turn it into f*cking Gitmo.

Yeah, well, your store is in a sketchy hood, Marty.

And it's rampant with cyber theft, corporate espionage.

These upgraded security measures are how you stay in business, not to mention put a spit-shine on the place up your valuation, you know, getting K and A all sexy for Skip Galweather and the Kohl brothers.

Uh-huh.

Also positions you rather nicely to take over once I leave, huh?

Well, you know.

Big shoes to fill, man.

Yeah.

What, are you a size 12, 13?

[chuckles] Hey, Ron, is it hard for you to breathe like that?

What do you mean?

You know, with your nose jammed all the way up my ass.

[wry laugh] So I hear you're about to close Delcour, huh?

Huh? Getting our cosmetic index all engorged and tingly? [spits]

[wry laugh] What the f*ck is wrong with you?

Not a g*dd*mn thing.

Good luck today.

Clyde: So you think voters will just trade in their keys for a bus pass?

Los Angeles loses its way as a first-class city if we're relying on cars to drive us into the future.

I hear you; I understand what you're saying, but launching major initiatives in... what do we have?

Public transportation, water conservation, and school reform in your first term?

Dude, it's gonna break the bank.

Seth, please, you have to set priorities.

They're all priorities.

What if... one of them wasn't?

[laughs]

They're all gonna face stiff oppositions.

I know that.

Look, that's what I'm talking about.

I mean, in our current political culture, we've internalized the "no."

We don't reach for things anymore, because what's the point? Nothing's gonna come of it, anyway, so why even try?

But when we stop sh**ting for the moon, I tell you, man, we... we die as a society.

Oh! If I weren't holding this bagel, I would slow-clap the sh*t out of this moment.

Um, Clyde, we're getting ready to head out.

You two will have to continue crafting empty promises later.

Well, now, wait a second.

What makes you think they're empty?

Um...

I've been alive.

[Jeannie scoffs, Clyde laughs]

Clyde: Jeannie, do you want some more cream cheese on your bagel?

Or are you fi... you're fine.

Okay.

Clyde: Okay.

Seth Buckley, this dignified woman is Jeannie van der Hooven.

Jeannie, this is...

Seth Buckley, running for mayor.

I recognize you from the ten million campaign flyers plastered to my windshield every morning.

I'm... I'm sorry, you have...

Clyde: To tell us more about your concerns.

I mean, we are eager to hear them.

Thank you so much.

Seth: No, actually, y-you have a little bit of cream cheese...

Uh...

I can get that for you.

Mm?

See?

I do care about my constituents.

Marty: Hey, David Plouffe, you still work for K and A?

Yes, actually, Marty... Marty, Marty, Marty...

I want you to meet Seth.

Marty Kaan, this is Seth Buckley.

Seth Buckley, Marty Kaan.

How you doing?

Nice to meet you.

You, too.

And you know what?

I think that is everybody.

No, not quite everybody.

So if you want to head on out, I'm telling you, you should get out right now.

Let... excu... rude!

Doug Guggenheim.

So nice to meet you.

Hi.

Can we go now? 'Cause we do have a hair appointment to keep.

Sure.

Great.

Good luck with the campaign.

Thank you.

Very good talk today.

Sincerely. Okay?

You can let yourself out?

Yeah, yeah, actually, actually, uh, hold on one second.

What is her story?

Who, Jeannie?

It'd be cool if I call her?

Why would you call Jeannie?

Well, why do you think I'd call her?

I'm assuming you have her number?

Yeah.

I got her number, all right.

[♪ funky music ♪]

♪ ♪

Doug: Oh, wow!

Can you believe all these free samples?

Douglas, those products are for black hair.

What in the f*ck you gonna do with... curling custard?

Don't forget to use a relaxer before you put the custard in.

Yeah. I know.

I'm grabbing all these for Tess.

She gets a little kinky in the mornings, and I don't mean the sex. [chuckles]

I also mean the sex.

Oh, yeah, vegetables... not just for salad anymore.

man: Whether she wants a more relaxed look, or a natural, or just to have fun with braids, we offer a variety of organic conditioners that will keep her hair healthy.

Go ahead, baby, give it a whip.

[thwack]

Oh... whew!

Well, snatch off your wave caps and set down your hot combs.

We are at the annual Braxton Brothers International Beauty Sh...

[coughs, spits]

Jesus!

...one of the largest trade exhibitions for black hair.

Come see the newest trends or... set up a booth and cash in on the over $700 million dollars that black folks spend every year to get their hair did.

Let the church say, "Amen"?

all: Amen!

Marty: Mm!

Oh, and these rather anxious- looking white folks here?

They are our clients, executives at Delcour, third largest beauty company in the world, promising to bring "Paris runways to your driveway."

Like countless European colonizers before them, Delcour sees opportunity on this dark continent.

So we are just going to have to colonize...

...the colonizers.

Devin, we are so excited to relaunch your brand under our banner.

All right. Marty.

[chuckles] Hey. So, have you reviewed the offer?

We have, and it's very generous.

We're almost there.

Almost?

Hey, who's gonna see change coming?

Me or these guys?

I cannot maintain an edge unless I have final say over Planet Curl's operational budget.

We're gonna look over the counteroffer.

Great.

[phone rings]

Hold on.

[clears throat]

[ringing continues]

I'm sorry, I gotta take this.

Marty: Sure.

[ringing continues]

And this smooth m*therf*cker right here, [wry laugh] waving his black flag to leverage more control, this is Devin Townsend, CEO of Planet Curl, and soon to be head of Delcour's Planet Curl division.

[ringing resumes]

Marty, what is with all these demands?

I thought we had a deal.

I guess the guy really knows his worth.

Devin Townsend grew Planet Curl to $70 million dollars in sales last year alone.

Doug: Oh, yeah, hands down, that man is your best entrée into this market space.

Correct.

I would not have flown to this assh*le you call a city if he wasn't.

We are ready to close.

Make him an offer he'll sign, okay?

That's what we're working on.

[golf putter hitting ball]

[Donald groans]

[chuckles] Tough greens to read!

Devin: Maybe she thought there was a second hole past the first hole.

[Devin snickers]

[Donald laughs]

If y'all are still hungry, I left a sack of dicks you can munch on back at the clubhouse.

[Devin whoops]

Hey, keep it up.

All right, you too, man.

Keep it up.

Keep it up and that money's ours.

Start that on the green, hard.

Rita, you ever see a movie called The Color of Money?

You know, if you're gonna hustle somebody, you actually have to start making sh*ts.

I mean, you can golf, right?

You need to chill the f*ck out, Marty.

I got this.

Just go hit another one of your shitty ones.

Devin: I may skip this Delcour deal, Marty.

I can make more money, uh, playing golf with your friends.

[both laughing]

Marty: Oh, uh, she's not my friend, okay?

She's dating my dad.

[dramatic gasp] Oh, you brought your stepmother to play golf.

That is so sweet.

[Marty chuckles]

Not actually my stepmother, either.

Okay. All right.

Change is hardest on the children.

Donald: Hmm.

[laughing]

Rita, before I forget, my wife wants to get something called a blowout?

Yeah, she said she wants to keep it all natural.

Can you give me a recommendation to a salon or something like that?

Oh, yes, she should check out...

Well, it all depends on the texture of the hair, you know.

No, no, go ahead, 'cause you know more about black women's hair than me.

Well, take Rita here, you know?

She's got real shiny curls, and I tell you, man, this... look how healthy this hair is, really.

And the color is great, too.

You must use a deep conditioning treatment... something... this is amazing.

Where did you say you were from again? De-Detroit?

Yeah, yeah. You?

Oh, uh, Virginia.

But I heard about this place, um, the Carriage House... it's supposed to have the best soul food in Detroit.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, that place is the b*mb.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Marty: Hey, black Zagat's.

Can we golf?

[all talking at once]

Yeah, I didn't know we was that loud.

Come on, man!

Oh, get... get!

Oh, no...

Oh, man. That's not good.

Come on, man.

Donald: Marty, close the face.

Yeah, I know.

Close the face down.

I know.

Oh, let me line you up here, dawg.

Nah, I got this, big dawg.

Devin: I got you, man! Come, let's do it!

Donald: I notice you tend to put some backspin on that bad boy.

Uh, you might want to check your boy.

Which one?

Devin. The white one.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

He looks black, he says he's black, but he ain't black.

The Carriage House does not have the best soul food in Detroit.

Do you know why I know that?

Because the Carriage House is in Chicago.

What are you... What is this, a Columbo act or something?

Furthermore, that fake n*gro had his hand all up in my hair.

Unless you're my stylist and I'm sitting in your chair, I don't give a f*ck what you do for a living... you do not touch a black woman's hair.

Even you know that, Marty, and you don't even date black women.

I...

Stop.

Donald: Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

Oh, no.

It's gonna be a long day, brah.

Oh, no, I can feel the money just going in my pocket.

Shimmy, shimmy. Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

This just feels so good.

[Donald laughs]

Why don't we play the back nine at, uh, $300 a hole?

Oh, sh*t, by all means.

Yeah. Yes.

Please, let's do.

Listen, if you want to keep contributing to my retirement fund, your money's still green.

What the...?

Oh, sh*t.

You trying... you trying to hustle us, Marty?

A good sh*t.

All right, now, which one of you ass-clowns wants to be the mystical caddy in my Bagger Vance?

All-time top ten.

Love that movie.

A man's grip on his club is like his grip on the world.

Uh-huh.

Yes.

He just said he loved Bagger Vance.

Just...

The Legend of.

[golf club swings]

Doug: Well, the good news is Devin is in fact African-American.

And the bad news?

Well, African-American in that his family emigrated from Cape Town.

So... you be the judge.

I'd say his complexion's more de Klerk than Mandela.

Jeannie: Sorry.

I forgot my f*cking key card.

What's going on?

We have run into a little hitch with this Delcour plan.

I wouldn't use the word "hitch" in this case.

"Hitch" is probably a strong word.

It's more like a moral quandary, really.

That's a little better, yeah.

You f*cking pussies, just say...

Devin isn't black.

Not-not black how?

Johannesburg, 1972.

A country torn asunder by apartheid...

What? Whoa.

Doug.

Oh.

Marty, all your palling around with this guy, and your black-dar never went off?

Whoa. What about your white-dar?

It's pretty f*cking defective, too.

This guy is one of yours.

Doug: It's strange.

I don't know why any white person would want to be black.

Uh...

Well, there's sports, of course.

You know, basketball, marathon running, all that jazz.

Uhp, there's another one, jazz.

[groans]

So what are we gonna do?

Same thing we did last time we had a black CEO turn out to be white.

So... no idea?

No f*cking idea.

[sighs]

People are complicated, right?

I mean, they can be a real mix of... good qualities and bad qualities.

Really f*cking deep, Clyde.

I brought it up 'cause I was thinking about Seth.

Remember Seth Buckley?

On one hand, dude is super smart with policies and politics, but in his personal life, he just can't... he can't take a hint.

You obviously hate him.

And he keeps pestering me for your phone number, so I told him don't even worry about it.

I didn't give it to him. We're good, okay?

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Seth wants to ask me out?

Yeah, but we're good. b*llet dodged.

Seems like you really don't want me to go out with him.

What would make you...?

Good, 'cause I'm gonna f*ck his brains out.

Are you cool if we used your bed?

You're kidding, right?

Am I?

Jeannie. Jeannie, Jeannie.

Jeannie, listen.

Seth has a real sh*t of being mayor, of being a great mayor.

Now, I know you usually limit your radius of human wreckage to your tiny circle of friends and family, but this could have atomic b*mb repercussions on all of f*cking Los Angeles.

I don't know, Clyde, I really like to play to a big room.

Don't f*ck things up for him.

And by "him," you mean you.

Don't worry, Clyde.

I have no interest in f*cking your boyfriend.

Thank you. Thank you.

But just so you know, if you want to f*ck him in my bed, I'm cool with that.

Marty, my man.

Oh, hey.

[chuckles]

Hey.

Thanks for coming in, man.

Absolutely, man. Whatever you need, brother.

[chuckles]

You and Rita really ran a game on us this morning, man.

[chuckles] Uh, speaking of games, have a seat.

[clears throat]

So, look, it's, uh...

Mm-hmm.

...it's just us talking right now.

Sure.

Um, is there anything that you want to tell me?

About what?

I don't know.

I mean, I'm sure if you think really hard, something will come to mind.

No, I-I don't think I'm following.

Uh, yeah, I'm just thinking, anything about your past, you know.

Your "blackground."

[both laugh]

I mean, your biological parents, they were...

Wonderful people.

Marty, what are you getting at?

[clears throat]

Ah.

You're not black, Devin.

No, uh, I don't understand the question.

I didn't ask you a question.

I made a statement. You're not black.

[chuckles]

Um...

[chuckles] Devin, I know. Devin, listen...

[laughs] Wait...

I already know, so...

You're a phony.

I mean, you're a sad clown in a f*cking business suit.

Your-your whole waking life is like a Kabuki show in blackface with the bronzer and the head shaving.

Look, we're-we're still gonna make this money, but don't you want to drop the whole act for a second, you know, all the theatrics, and just be real?

Hmm.

[laughs]

You know what's real, Marty?

I applied to Wharton three times as a white guy and was denied admission.

I checked "African-American" the fourth time around... [snaps fingers] ...got right in.

[sighs] Man.

Will white men ever catch a break?

You know what's worse than discrimination?

What?

Feeling invisible.

Void of culture, guilty of crimes I didn't commit.

I step out into the world as a black man, for better or for worse, people see me.

Yeah. Being black's really working out well for you, huh?

Me being black is working out for a lot of people.

[laughs] Okay. You're gonna have to run that one back.

What?

Curious, how many black people have you hired at K and A?

You done any mentoring lately?

Community boards?

Church groups?

Maybe you should thank me for all the work that I do.

I mean, go ahead. [chuckles]

Play golf, uh, shut out the world.

I-I'll hold it down for the two of us.

'Cause, you see, Marty, um, in a lot of ways, I'm blacker than you.

Yeah, except in one small but kind of crucial way, Devin.

You're not actually black.

But I am where it counts the most, you feel me?

Oh, my God, please tell me you're not talking about your d*ck right now.

Oh, God. Marty.

Right here.

This is where it counts the most.

You know, I almost wish you were talking about your d*ck right now.

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck that piece of sh*t Al Jolson, minstrel show, Devin Townsend.

Pull up everything we have on Asantewa Hair Care.

We are switching horses.

Asantewa isn't Planet Curl.

You're right. It's better.

Asantewa is an eye to the future instead of the past.

With Planet Curl, Delcour was paying a huge markup for name recognition. Okay?

Asantewa is the value buy.

It's what Planet Curl was 15 years ago.

Together the two of them can grow at a third of the cost.

It's great.

Okay, well, what happens when Jean-Michal says, [French accent] "Uh, where's your pal? Uh, that articulate fellow whose d*ck was balls deep in your mouth for the last four months... where did he go?"

That was good.

Really? I don't know.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't know sh*t about French accents, but I thought it was pretty good.

I'll tell you what I do know.

That m*therf*cker Devin is about to have a real black experience: unemployment.

Make it happen.

You got it, boss.

[♪ up-tempo music ♪]

[chuckles]

Well?

"Well" what?

What you mean "what"?

Was I right about your vanilla friend?

You were right. You were right.

Okay, so let the jokes begin.

I'm ready. Three, two, one.

This is no joking matter.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Got a call from the State Department today.

They're revoking your black card.

[laughter]

Don't worry, don't worry.

We are gonna help you study for the retest.

Uh-huh.

If the cookout starts at 1:00, what time should you arrive?

Jeremiah: Name your favorite celebrity in The Wiz.

Michael Jackson doesn't count.

Ah.

This is great stuff.

I mean, really, really good.

[laughter]

Hey.

What you doing up?

Thought you had to get your beauty sleep for the big modeling gig tomorrow.

It's in two days, actually, and I'm not gonna go.

What do you mean you're not gonna go? Why not?

Dad, being straight edge is more than just veganism and abstinence.

It's about subversion of dominant culture.

Modeling doesn't give off the right message.

Does this have anything to do with the fact that your modeling gig is for the Sears catalog?

Rita: You know, a lot of big models got their start doing catalog work.

Tyra Banks.

See?

Marty, she's an African-American model of prominence.

Dad, I thought you'd be happy.

I thought you didn't want me to be a model.

I don't.

Okay, then.

But-but wait a minute, wait a minute.

I also don't want you just to pack it in because fame and success isn't being handed to you.

Listen, sometimes you got to eat some sh*t.

Okay? The trick is to figure out the minimum amount of sh*t you got to eat and still get what you want.

Rita: What your dad's saying is you need to keep your eyes on the prize.

That's a song black people used to sing back during the Civil Rights Movement.

Jeremiah: You do know what the Civil Rights Movement is?

[chuckles]

Yeah. You know, this whole new you, Pop?

I don't like it.

Don't like it.

I'm gonna be in the bedroom.

O-Okay...

Toby or Kunta Kinte?

[laughing]

Chess or dominoes?

Marty: Okay.

[laughter]

[door closes]

Ron, is there something...?

I'm-I'm hearing rumblings.

Now... when I heard the rumblings...

I thought, no way.

I mean, th-this can't be right.

'Cause Marty Kaan is ruthless.

Marty Kaan is a f*cking tack, he's so g*dd*mn sharp.

Marty Kaan doesn't give a sh*t about sh*t.

And he's certainly not gonna f*ck up an $80 million dollar acquisition deal because some ethnically fluid douche bag hurt his feelings!

Delcour wanted an entrée into the black hair market.

That's exactly what we're gonna deliver.

Uh, with Asantewa?

The earthy, neo-Nubian start-up that offers a free Erykah Badu download with every bottle of beeswax?

Hey. Who doesn't like Erykah?

The Kohl brothers, I'm thinking, right? You remember them?

Those are the gentlemen who are looking to put tens of millions of dollars in your pocket.

Ron, I'm not a f*ckin' idiot, okay?

I understand how important Delcour is to our portfolio.

We're gonna keep them happy.

By pitching a company Planet Curl outshines in sales index, distribution models, nearly every metric by which we measure growth?

It is a value-based approach, all right?

It's different...

Hey, Delcour isn't shopping for a bargain.

Do you understand? They want to own the market!

I will talk to Devin, and I will tell him you've stopped pouting.

In the meantime, okay, take your anger, you take your pride, okay, and you put them in a box, see, and you tie it up in a tight little bow, right, you put your cock there and set the knot, and you take it to maybe your Aunt Sally for Christmas or Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, whatever the f*ck, and you go and you close Delcour like a f*ckin' big boy!

Ron.

[laughs] Yeah?

Get the f*ck out of my office.

[♪ mid-tempo music ♪]

Uh, uh...

Ron.

Hey. Jeannie.

So glad I ran into you.

Right outside my office... what are the odds of that?

Oh. Yeah, well, some might call that fate.

Or stalking.

Some people also call it stalking.

Well, Clyde told me that you guys are gonna be working late, so I thought I'd be nice and bring you some coffee.

And you only brought two?

Well, they ran out of those trays.

Look, I don't know what Clyde told you, but I'm not...

He told me that you're not interested in dating, which... I totally respect.

Clearly, you don't, though, 'cause you're... here and...

No, I just wanted to give you an opportunity to say no for yourself.

Plus, this pour-over brew is... out of this world.

Come on, look... humor me, all right? Don't make me walk out of here with two cups in my hand... that'd be so embarrassing.

You're not even in office yet, and you're already wasting money.

Aw... busted.

Yeah.

[elevator bell dings]

Marty: Hey.

Oh, hey. Bad news.

They ran out of the honey prawns you like.

We got the drunken noodles instead.

Yeah, whatever. Listen, game change, okay?

We're pulling the plug on Asantewa.

Why?

Uh, because I said so, Clyde.

Wha... wait, wait, wait... we're going back to Planet Curl?

[scoffs] Are you kidding?

After working round the clock?

Eating two-and-a-half- star Thai food, at best?

And prepping a baseline for Asantewa?

[clears throat] Which has been a pleasure, by the way.

Oh, you're welcome. Listen, I found a way to make Planet Curl work, okay? So meet me in my office in five minutes, I'll get you up to speed on the game plan.

Hey, numb nuts, I'm talking to you, too.

Yeah.

Clyde: Planet Curl, I got it.

Seth: No, I coach youth league, honestly, because I really love basketball.

It's not for press or... a chance to stump or anything like... it's just... straight ballin'.

[laughs]

So you hang out in South L.A. for the fun of it?

Well, I-I grew up not too far from there, in Lincoln Heights.

I see a lot of myself in those kids.

And I don't care if the world has lowered their expectations of them.

I haven't.

[groans] Oh... I think we're being watched.

Hey.

Hey, Seth. What's up, man? Do we have a meeting on the books, or...?

No, I actually just came by to bring coffee for you and Jeannie, which I then proceeded to drink.

[laughs]

Anyway, hate to break this up, but Marty wants to see us in his office, so...

Yeah, I should probably get going anyway.

I'll walk you out.

I'll walk you out.

She can walk me out.

Jeannie, yeah, yeah, of course.

Dude, good to see you.

I didn't really...

[♪ mid-tempo music ♪]

♪ ♪

Doug: So, all employees of Planet Curl will be absorbed by the new entity Delcour.

Substantive changes, like policy, benefits, NDAs, that sort of thing, you know.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, just initial here.

I heard you're having dinner with Seth tonight.

I am.

Seriously, if you're just doing this to f*ck with me...

[groans] Relax, Clyde. Not everything is about you.

He's actually... kind of great.

Doug: Merci beaucoup.

[Doug chuckles]

And that should pretty much cover it.

Great.

You may now kiss the bride.

[laughing]

Marty: Hang on a second, guys.

Um... I think we skipped over the part where they say "speak now or forever hold your peace," because I had something that I really want to add.

What is it, Marty?

Fire this cr*cker.

That's a joke, right?

No.

I'm sorry, what's happening here?

You're banking on an image, correct?

I mean, in beauty...

[clears throat] you live or die by how the world sees you.

So tell me, what is it... that you see?

An attempt to force me to answer a question I shouldn't have to.

This-this is a high-tech lynching.

Clyde: Really? It feels kind of low-tech to me.

That's just a JPEG, Marty, right?

Oh, yeah, that's just something we found and turned it into a JPEG.

Come on, man, I thought you were smarter than this.

[exhales] And I thought you were black. Whoops.

Marty, you knew about this, and you still had me sign those documents... it's un-f*cking-believable.

From an ethical standpoint, you're absolutely correct.

I'm sorry, Jean-Michal, we should have told you earlier.

You're fired.

You may want to rethink that.

I mean, f*ring the black consultant who told you about the white man you hired pretending to be black?

It's not gonna look good.

No.

Mm-mm.

Marty: Listen... this assh*le almost blew us all out of the water.

Don't let him ruin what is a perfectly good working relationship.

Clyde: We have three very qualified candidates chomping at the bit to jump into this position.

You willing to take that risk?

When I got to Planet Curl, it was a garbage fire, okay?

We are now poised to hit the $100 million dollar mark in sales this year.

And all the candidates are totally amenable to doing business the way Delcour sees fit.

I'll-I'll back off my demands for budget control.

Jeannie: We're gonna stay ahead of the narrative, showing how you both discovered there was a problem and then found a solution.

No, there's no other f*cking solution.

Planet Curl may be the chocolate cookies, okay?

But I'm-I'm the white guts that's holding it all together and making it delicious, okay?!

I'm the real Oreo!

Not a fake Oreo like Marty!

[quietly] Wow.

Did you even hear what you just said?

[hits table]

Okay.

[hits table]

Okay.

Jeannie: I think that's your cue to leave.

Yeah, that's what that was.

[groans] Aw... Devin.

Don't take it too hard, buddy.

At least you get to go back to being white.

I'd try only one chai latte a day, though... you don't want to rush it.

White people, how much NPR we thinking?

Clyde: Start with one hour a week of This American Life and figure it out.

♪ ♪

[camera shutter clicking]

woman: It's Christmas morning!

Happy, happy Christmas!

You're so happy around the tree.

It's lovely, lovely.

Put your arm round him, Mum.

Hey, buddy. Smile.

Uh, one second. I-I'll be right back.

Dad, can I talk to you for a second?

Why are you here? I told you I'd be done by 8:00.

Come on, man, I didn't want to miss this.

You kidding? In fact, you know what?

Let me get a selfie.

I'll post this on Insta...

No, no, no, no.

They want you in the Santa hat for this next one.

I'm not gonna wear that.

But the client specifically...

If you want to throw away the last hour's worth of photos and find yourself another model, you can do that.

But I'm not wearing this stupid hat.

Okay. No hat.

Marty: No hat.

woman: Roscoe, love, Christmas is coming!

We need you back on set!

[Roscoe sighs]

Santa's on his way.

Dad, this is the worst day of my life.

Aw, really?

'Cause this is the best day of my life.

[laughing, snorting]

And here we go!

Lovely, lovely. Oh!

And we've got some new options.

That special... oh.

No. I think that's a little too understated.

U-Understated?

woman: We want something that really screams

Christmas. Yes.

That is fabulous.

♪ Rock them bells ♪

[shutter clicks]

♪ Let's rock ♪
♪ Rock them beats, rock-rock them beats ♪
♪ Let's rock, rock them beats ♪
♪ Rock-rock them beats, beats ♪
♪ Rock them beats, rock-rock them beats ♪
♪ Let's rock, rock them beats ♪