05x11 - Trial by Liar

[bunniefuu]

And I got some tea here.

Now, Emma, I know this isn't the first time you and I have had breakfast while waiting for your dad to come home from a hook-up.

But if all goes well with him and Zoey, will you promise me you'll still make time for your Uncle Tucker?

Yes.

Sure, don't tell me about your boyfriend, and I won't tell you anything. No, let's never tell anybody anything.

Ben, what are you doing?

Aren't you supposed to be upstairs with Zoey?

And if you're not at Zoey's, why am I babysitting your kid?

Hold that thought.

Ben, hey. Can we talk?

Absolutely. Hey, quick question: In the last 48 hours, did you happen to get back together with your kid's dad, a guy I've never even heard of?

Yes, but if I could just explain it...

You catch that? 'Cause I can call her back and slam the door in her face again.

I'm good.

You good?

Yes.

We good.

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

Danny: Riley, can we please just talk?

Talk? Or make excuses?

Because I'm pretty sure I've heard everything.

Guys? Can you just hold on for two more floors?

It was an awkward night, followed by a very awkward bus ride, followed by an even more awkward cab ride, so if you could just keep it together until...

(elevator bell dings)

Oh, thank God.

Babe, come on, please just talk to me!

I mean, we're home now, so let's go inside and sort all this out.

Actually, I'm home.

Not sure where you live anymore.

Oh, maybe Sam will let you sleep with her again.

(growling)

(growling)

(yelling)

I'll bet sometimes you wish you were adopted, huh?

I can't find my toothbrush!

(yelling)

I can't find my conditioner!

Riley and I had a fight.

I don't want to talk about it.

I will be in my room.

Uh, remember how you couldn't find your toothbrush?

You're not gonna find your room, either.

Sam lives here.

(Yelling)

The good news is, your mom's in another country, so you could just stay there.

Actually, that's great news for all of us.

One, two, three, four, Bonnie's back with gifts galore.

Five, six, seven, eight...

Peru sucked.

Brad wasn't there, so I came home.

Well, go back.

Okay? Keep looking. It's a big country.

Oh, I found him... in the Dallas airport.

We rekindled our romance in the handicapped stall.

Thank God for all those handles.

Hey, how was the Hamptons?

Here! Thought I'd save you the trip.

You're probably too weak from lying!

Riley! Please! Come on!

I feel like I've missed something.

Dude, what is wrong with me?

Can't believe I picked Zoey, the girl I met three months ago, over Sam, the girl I've been obsessed with since high school who crawled naked into my bed.

(emphasizing) Naked girl in... my bed!

You know, you could've let Sam down after you got down, right?

I know! Trust me, I know.

I didn't listen to you, and I'm sorry.

When did I become the dumpee?

I used to be the dump-er.

The jerk.

I wanna be the jerk again.

We all do, man. We all do.

Wait a minute.

Nobody knows what a complete and total idiot you were.

You have the opportunity to rewrite your story and become the dump-er.

But Zoey lives in the building.

She'll tell everyone the truth.

Ah. But you're forgetting, my friend... you are holding one very powerful card.

I delivered your baby!

And I'll be grateful for that forever, but I'm not gonna pretend to be a couple just to protect your pride.

If he had any pride, do you think he'd be standing here right now?

I think not.

Look, Ben, I'm sorry.

Aaron and I broke up while I was pregnant, but then he got deployed, and I figured that it was over forever.

But now he's back, and we're gonna try and make it work.

Well, I'm guessing that Aaron doesn't have a clue that I exist and might be a little surprised to hear that just days ago, you were kissing me in my shower.

Wow! It really feels like you're blackmailing me right now.

See? She gets it.

Look, all you gotta do is pretend we're in love until I dump you.

A little PDA, and I'll be on my way.

Really? You don't find this pathetic at all?

You'd be surprised what I don't find pathetic.

And when Riley asked me if I ever had feelings for Sam, I said no, because I never had feelings for her.

I mean, you're the one who taught me that you don't need feelings to have sex with someone.

And that's what you chose to listen to?

What should I do?

Listen, honey. You're Danny and Riley.

You're meant to be together.

I'm sure she'll come around, it'll just take some time.

And until then I will be right here by your side, okay?

Thanks, Mom. I really appreciate it.

Is it cool if I crash with you for a bit?

Or we could be proactive!

You know what heals wounds faster than time?

Apologies, and lots of 'em. Sincere, insincere... it doesn't really matter!

I will help you figure out whatever crap you need to say to get her back!

Hey, what's going on?

You wanna know what's going on?

I will tell you what's going on.

Now would be great.

Danny slept with Sam.

What? Last night, how could he?

No, not last night. In high school.

Oh.

Oh?

All you can say is "Oh"?

You should be furious.

Annoyed, maybe. Furious?

Furious was when I found out that you were dumping me for my brother.

Okay, okay, okay.

You're totally missing the point here.

Hey, babe.

Hey, there's my girl.

I professed my love for her, and she professed it back.

She even cried. Isn't that right?

I sure did.

Okay, so, just a little public display for my co-workers, and you'll never have to see me again.

And if we're so in love, then why are we breaking up?

You're too clingy, or I met someone hotter.

Actually, I haven't decided.

Hey, Tucker.

Oh, hey, hey everybody, look!

Look, it's Ben and his new girlfriend, Zoey.

Where the hell is everybody?

I don't know. Sam's on break, Carter called in sick.

Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to be working.

Ooh! Look, there's someone I give a crap about, come on.

Hey... you know that guy?

Yeah. That's Ben. He owns this place, and that's his girlfriend Zoey.

Oh, really.

Yeah. Really.

Who are you, Nosey Nancy?

The father of her child.

Uh-oh.

That ain't good.

Oh, yeah. Apparently, she's been in love with me since the moment she set eyes on me.

Took me a little while to come around, but here I am.

Hey.

Aaron?

What the hell is going on?

I thought we talked through everything.

No, Aaron, please let me explain, Ben was just...

Hey, why don't we discuss this outside?

Outside seems like a great option.

Oh, there's no need to go outside.

Let's go.

No, I swear, I didn't...

I'm just saying, man, Zoey's jealous ex punching you out really helps your story.

This could not be going any better.

I'm in jail.

This could be going better!

I should've just told people the truth.

Well, I'd like to know the truth.

Yeah, well, you ain't gonna get it, so just sit your ass back down, jailbird.

Tucker! Don't tease the Marine.

Get me outta here, man.

Thank you for your service.

Riley should be home for lunch any minute.

Just remember... a good apology is nature's get-out-of-jail-free card.

Just say you're sorry, that you don't want your stupid mistake to ruin 20 years of friendship and love, and that you miss her.

And you're sure that'll work?

Because I really need this to work.

Trust your mother.

I have been apologizing for stupid stuff I've said my entire life.

You never apologize.

Well, I mean to, I just get so busy.

Honey, everything is gonna be fine.

Riley is just overreacting and being hypersensitive.

She'll come around, I promise.

Oh, she's here. I'm goin' in.

Go get her, go get her, go get her, go get her!

Riley, wait! I love you!

And I'm so sorry. Please. Don't let my stupid mistake ruin 20 years of love and friendship.

I miss you.

I miss you, too.

I'm just... I'm so mixed up and confused right now.

That's okay. I get it.

You're just... overreacting and being hypersensitive.

So... you think I'm overreacting?

Does it look like I'm overreacting to you?

Yeah, a little, but it's okay. I love you anyway.

Oh, you love me anyway, despite my terrible flaws. Oh, wow, thank you. How lucky am I?

I'd like to start over.

Oh, no. No, no, no. There is no starting over.

I think you've said everything you need to say, and by the way, I think any woman would react exactly the same way I'm reacting.

Uhh, I might have to disagree with you there.

I think most people probably wouldn't think this is a big deal.

Okay, well, you wanna know what I think?

This feels like a trick.

I cannot believe you're in jail.

I'm so sorry...

Oh, no, it's not you I'm mad at, it's him.

Oh, cool, then carry on.

Honey, I...

Don't "honey" me.

Don't anything me.

You know, I don't want you around my son if you can't control your temper over something as stupid as this.

Zoey! Come on!

See why I broke up with her?

I'm such an idiot.

I can't believe I messed everything up again.

I love Zoey, but I didn't think I was ready to be a father.

I don't deserve to be Hunter's dad.

Dude... no one is ready to be a dad.

I wasn't.

As far as deserving it, well... none of us do.

Because it is the most incredible thing you'll ever do in your life.

And that is why you have to do everything you can to make it work.

Thanks, man.

I hate you less now.

(Door buzzes)

And I you.

(Bonnie and Tucker chattering)

Where is he?

Benjamin Bon Jovi Wheeler!

If you were Danny, I would be so disappointed in you right now!

Why'd you call her?

Two years ago, she gave me a hundred bucks to call if you were ever in jail.

I had to honor our alliance.

But don't you worry. I will not rest until I get you out of here.

You are my number one priority, and I will not stop until I make...

(phone chimes)

Oh, god. Riley says your brother's upstairs and he's in trouble.

You know what? I gotta go.

You're just gonna leave me here?

Ben? Did you not hear me? Danny's in trouble!

Riley! I got your message.

I'm so happy that you wanna talk.

Did you get my pizza with "I'm sorry" spelled in pepperoni?

I sure did.

Oh. I thought you were done for the day.

Kinda looks like you're in the middle of a trial.

Oh, I am.

Yours.

Danny Wheeler, you are on trial for breaking my heart.

And you're right... we should ask other people if I overreacted.

So you want to put me on a fake trial using fake jurors to decide whether you're gonna forgive me?

Pretty much. Yeah.

But those jurors aren't fake. I paid them $20 to stay late and I even found a judge.

I've agreed to remain impartial, despite the fact that I was recently dumped by my lyin' son-of-a-bitch ex.

Obviously, I will be acting as my own attorney, but don't worry, I got you representation.

Don't worry, baby!

Your mama's right here and... oh, god, son of a bitch!

I'm a dead man.

Look, man, this whole thing was all my fault, Aaron just got back from protecting our country, and now he's fighting for his true love, who's waiting for him at home with their newborn son right now.

Is this all true?

Yes, sir.

All right, soldier. You're free to go.

Thank you.

Anytime. You wanna share a cab?

Not so fast, pretty boy.

Get over here.

The only thing you'll be sharing is a 4:00 baloney sandwich... with that guy.

Mr. Wheeler... when I specifically asked you if you had feelings for one Samantha Saffe... what did you say?

Well, technically, I never had feelings...

It's a yes-or-no question, Mr. Wheeler.

I said no.

But you did in fact sleep with Sam in high school, did you not?

Yes, but it meant nothing.

(murmuring)

So... Mr. Wheeler, if sleeping with Sam "meant nothing," then why didn't you tell me?

(bangs) Objection!

On what grounds?

She's making my son look bad.

Overruled.

The only thing that makes him look bad is clothes.

Please answer the question, Mr. Wheeler.

I don't know.

I guess I didn't tell you, because I knew it would upset you.

So you did lie.

No! No, I told you I never had feelings for Sam, and I didn't. It was just sex.

(murmuring)

Maybe it's time for you to throw yourself on the mercy of the court, but, first let the court put some lipstick on.

Your witness, Mrs. Wheeler.

It's about time. Was gettin' real tired of hearing other people talk.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Mr. Wheeler, when you slept with Sam, were you single?

Yeah. I was 17.

But you were in love with someone else.

I was in love with Riley. I've been in love with her since I was six, but she never thought of me as more than a friend.

Objection! Counsel is not on trial here.

Overruled! How could you not notice this beautiful gift that the Lord gave us?

Justice may be blind, but I'm not.

And, Danny... for the majority of the time that you were in love with Ms. Perrin, would the rest of the world have described her as... fat?

Oh! Objection!

Mom! Come on!

Exhibit A!

A crude rendering of Riley in seventh grade.

And my son... loved her anyway.

The defense rests!

Mrs. Wheeler, we have a real situation with your other son.

Who?

Ben.

Oh.

Your Majesty, I need a recess.

Objection! There are no recesses.

Okay, so you mean to tell me in your little made-up girl-power trial there are no recesses?

I'll allow it. 10-minute recess.

Besides, they just refilled the snack machine, and I gotta get there before somebody takes all the Ding Dongs!

Look, this man is a respected business owner, and the only damages incurred were to his own bar, which just makes him stupid, not a criminal.

As you can see, officer, I've already served my time.

Look, it's not his fault.

My first kid was so huge, this one just slipped out a little early.

Head first!

He should be wearing a helmet right now.

Fine. Just go. I don't wanna spend the next hour filling out paperwork.

Plus, they just refilled the snack machine.

I gotta get there before somebody takes all the Ding Dongs.

Oh my god, thank you.

All right, come on, Ben, I need you upstairs.

We dated, haven't we?

Yes.

You're still pissed at me...

Yes.

Okay, yeah.

Ladies of the jury, I want you to imagine a girl who, her whole life, had a best friend that she trusted more than anyone.

And then one day, she fell in love with him, and she felt safe and protected.

Until... she found out he had sex with her mortal enemy, and lied to her about it for seven years.

So... ladies of the jury, I ask you one simple question: How would you feel if that girl... was you?

Your honor! I have a surprise witness!

Oh, wow, I thought you were kidding.

I know.

What are you doing here?

Uh, we're kind of wrapping it up, but I'll allow a little eye candy for our jurors.

(jokingly) Oops.

Okay... so, Ben... would you please tell the jury your history with Miss Perrin?

Okay... well, when we were kids, Danny was in love with Riley, Riley was in love with me, and I was in love with a girl named Sam.

But then I realized I did love Riley, and we dated for a couple of months.

And Danny stood by and watched, even though I know it k*lled him inside.

And how are you related to Danny, Ben?

He's my brother.

What?

(Jury gasps)

Okay, okay, okay. All right.

Calm down, everyone, It's not that weird.

Riley, I know what you're doing.

You're hurt.

You want to be validated.

I was doing the same thing pretending to be with Zoey.

Who the hell is Zoey?

Damn, Mrs. Wheeler, you raised a couple of players!

Riley, you gotta let this one go.

It just isn't worth it.

Riley... please!

Just... forget about the court and the jury.

Talk to me. I love you.

I'm begging you to forgive me.

I promise I will never disappoint you again.

Danny... I don't need to hear the jury's decision.

(crying)

Because every time I look at you now, I just...

I picture you and Sam together.

You lied to me, and you broke my heart.

Riley.

Oh... honey. It's gonna be okay, okay?

Come here.

This was fun.

I'm gonna bring my ex-husband in here next week!

So, basically, Zoey's gonna live happily ever after with Aaron.

And I am gonna do everything I can to convince Sam to go on a play-date... in my bed.

Hum, how long have you been ???

Long enough to tell you that's never happening again.

You couldn't have give me a heads up You think I still have a sh*t?

No ???