04x21 - Under the Texan Sun

[bunniefuu]

This was the longest week ever.

We brought more babies into this world than a mid-level rapper.

Yeah, right there.

Let's dab. Oh!

Still don't understand that.

You have earned a night of relaxation.

[phone rings]

Oh!

Who's that?

It's Peter.

Oh, nice, let's see what that knucklehead's up to.

Thanks, Morgan.

All right. [groans] both: Bye.

Hi, Peter.

What's up, dog?

I'm so psyched for tonight.

Why? Did you make a bong out of a pumpkin?

Yes, of course, but you're also coming to visit me.

My girl's coming down to Texas all the way from New York City.

What?

Remember, you're flying to Austin tonight.

Last time I was in town, you booked a trip.

Huh?

We never hang out like this anymore.

You know, it's 'cause you're too far away.

You're... you're like... you're like my margarita.

You know, I want to get to it.

Ma... maybe it's for the best that I can't.

You got to come to Texas, bro.

The median weight is, like, 300 pounds.

They'll think you're anorexic.

Really?

Wait. I should come to Texas.

Let's get you a ticket.

[both chanting] Ticket! Ticket! Ticket!

[sighs] I can't come, Peter.

I've been so busy I've barely been home, okay?

I've never had snacks expire before.

Lauren said you would bail.

Come on, little Henry looked at a picture of you and said, "When is the loud lady coming?"

Aw, he remembered me.

Okay, I'll come for the weekend.

[laughs] Hilarious. "The weekend."

You booked a trip for five days.

What?

All right, they got a good one from Friday to Sunday, where you're in an exit row.

No, no, no, no, Peter.

I don't want to just visit you; I want to be in your life.

Do you get that? Do you get that?

I'm coming for a week.

Well, I guess I'll see you soon.

Yeah, it's on like a pumpkin bong, which I do not have, if Lauren asks.

God... Bye. Love you.

Look, Leo, I know this week is going to be really boring with your dad, okay?

Not everyone can be as fun and glamorous as Mom.

But I'll be back soon, so you better not take your first steps.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Olga.

Sorry, we're dropping off a little early this week.

Damn.

You ain't no Olga.

No, I'm sorry.

I'm Eliza. You must be Mindy.

Where's Danny?

Uh, Danny's in the shower.

He got this new olive oil shampoo from Italy, and you know Danny. [laughs]

[mumbling] Better than you do.

[Leo coos]

Oh. [laughs]

Hi, Leo. Hi, how's my buddy?

You want to go to the park and see if Mr. Squirrel's around?

I know Mr. Squirrel too. He's great.

Oh, yeah. It was nice meeting you.

Have a great trip.

Bye, Leo! I love you!

Nothing can replace a mother's love!

[Leo laughs]

[hip-hop music]

Welcome to Casa de Prentice, AKA The Tex Mex Sex Plex.

Cool.

In here, the formal living room.

Not supposed to go in there.

These are some fancy chairs.

Not supposed to sit in those.

Hey, what's wrong with you?

Since I picked you up from the airport, you've been super distant.

What's going on?

I don't know.

I guess I'm a little distracted.

I feel like I should be at home, you know, trying to find someone.

God, Peter, why is it so hard to find one single, sane, rich, hot cunnilingus addict in New York City?

Look, I think this might be about the picture of that woman on Danny's profile online.

You know what?

It's probably his grief counselor.

You know, 'cause he's mourning the loss of my juicy ass.

Do all grief counselors get kissed on the top of a Ferris wheel?

I don't know.

I kiss everybody, and you know what?

I didn't come here to get the third degree from my best friend.

No, no, no, no, no, wait!

That's the formal living room! [sighs]

Look, forget about Danny.

There's plenty of guys in Texas.

Lauren is consistently reminding me of that.

Really?

Yeah.

I guess I could "Under the Tuscan Sun" a handsome ranch hand, and he'd be, of course, obsessed with me because of my big-city sophistication.

Sounds like a plan.

Whoa! Chicken nug in my pocket!

You have any more loose nuggets in there?

I'll check.

'Cause Lauren has made this house vegan as of last week.

Oh, my God.

Sick. Beer me that nug.

Oh, God damn it.

You know what? Maybe it is good that I got away from New York for a while.

And this house is sick. It's a real McMansion.

Oh, thank you. You know, it used to belong to a forward on the Spurs, until he got caught on camera throwing his wife in the trash.

Yeah.

So, Mindy, I was thinking, maybe tomorrow after work, we could go down to that bar.

I could be wingman; we could scope out some deadbeat dads or maybe a drunk.

Someone in your wheelhouse.

You guys are going to work tomorrow?

Yeah.

What am I supposed to do all day alone in the house?

It's only gonna take an hour to go through all your drawers.

Well, you can hang out with Henry or his nanny Rosa or take a stroll through my succulent garden.

I think the path is wide enough.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, the path is definitely wide enough.

You haven't seen it yet.

Just... it's tight.

Okay... let's not...

Let's just talk about something else, um...

Peter, how is your new job?

Who's the Mindy? Is she as cool as me?

I hate her.

Mindy, his new practice is so full of drama.

Tell her about Meredith and Derek.

Ah. [laughs]

Meredith and Derek?

Mm-hmm.

Whoa, it's like you work on "Grey's Anatomy."

[muttering]

Well, why don't you tell me what's going on back in New York?

How's Morgan?

Oh, well, Morgan fell into a pothole.

Oh.

And guess what. The city is suing him.

Same old... same old tune.

Yeah.

Whoa! Lauren!

"Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous."

My web subscribers are going to love this.

I hope you don't mind having a roommate.

[yelps] Who dat?

That's Martin the chuckwalla.

I have to share a room with a straight-up Dino?

Well, it's his room.

And it's supposed to be cold tonight.

You may wake up with him in between your breasts.

Uh, you know what? Maybe five days is too long to stay with someone.

I-I should go home, like, tonight maybe.

Oh, no, really? I was kind of hoping that this week would give us a chance to get to know each other better.

What?

You've never taken any interest in me.

Yeah, I just thought that we could hang.

Is everything okay?

[sighs]

Would you like to be on my webcam?

My subscribers have been begging for anyone else.

Begging. Please, please.

No, I-I...

I just want to ask you a favor.

Peter has been acting weird lately.

I feel like he's hiding something from me.

I just want you to figure out what he's up to.

I'm sure it's nothing, because, like, I cannot think of anyone who would want to sleep with Peter, but I'll help.

I'll stay.

Oh, thank you.

You know, Mindy, I can see us almost becoming friends.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, God!

[moaning]

[exhales]

Oh.

Still in your cage, Martin. Good boy.

Mm.

Ay, caramba!

[straining]

[romantic music]

♪ ♪

Martin, why didn't you tell me about this guy?

♪ ♪

Hey, I'm Mindy. You must be Rosa.

Quick question, who is the steamy slab of carne asada working outside?

Oh, that's Diego, but he's not for you, loba.

Oh, he's gay. Well, this is Texas.

Probably has to stay in the closet.

I can work with that.

No, he's not gay.

But Mrs. Lauren wouldn't like you bothering him.

Okay, fine, don't touch the pool boy.

I'll just pick up my huevos rancheros or my waffles con ice cream... whatever you prepared.

Oh. [laughs] I don't work for you.

It's fine. I will leave you and go watch some daytime TV.

There's no TVs in the house.

Why don't you read a book?

A book?

Why don't you go to hell...

I'm so sorry. I went too far.

Gonna go.

It's okay. She's gone.

Ah! God!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

[thudding]

[clears throat]

♪ ♪

Hola, there.

ÿHola, Como estás?

Huh?

[speaking Spanish]

Oh, uh, um...

If you prefer, I can speak in English.

Oh, thank God.

Yeah.

Garfield. [laughs]

It's a very lazy cat.

Oh, yeah.

These are not my clothes. [laughs] No, I borrowed them.

I left my very sexy two-piece back in El New Yorko.

Watch out. You have a bee on you.

[bee buzzing]

No, man, these are double Ds.

No, no, no, no, no, a bee, a bee, a bee.

[buzzes] There, there!

Ah! Ah! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Oh, my God, oh, my...[screams]

You okay?

Help me!

Try standing.

Ah!

Pretty sure you can stand.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I was, um, maybe more scared than in actual danger.

Walk towards me.

I-I-I help you up.

My knight in shining armor.

Can you hold this, please? I want to save it for later.

Yeah, sure.

Just put it on the...

Right here.

Thanks.

One, two, three.

Oh, God.

Don't make those labor noises when you're picking me up!

It's not that bad!

Ugh, oh, God.

[panting] Here we go.

[panting] Please.

Oh.

Thank you.

Oh.

Thank you so much.

I so appreciate it.

Can't believe... now I'm gonna hook up with a pool boy.

What?

Pool boy?

Yeah.

No, I'm sorry. I...[sighs]

Pool man. I... don't... I don't...

[muttering angrily in Spanish]

[bee buzzing]

[screaming]

Uh, Rosa? Rosa?

Oh, thank God.

I am soaked in agua, and I was negged sexually.

Can I have a towel? And a hug, please?

I swallowed a lot of water. I have to pee.

I still haven't eaten any breakfast.

Can you please put a waffle in the g*dd*mn toaster?

Someone left the popsicles out and now they're melted.

They are Henry's treat for using the potty.

Someone should go to the store.

Rosa, what do you want me to do?

I can't go to the store. I ain't got no car.

Oh, you don't have a car?

No.

I walked here from El Salvador.

Okay, fine, Rosa. I will go to the store.

Anything else, Princess Rosa?

Mr. Peter likes Hot Pockets.

Noishe!

Peter?

Is that you?

What are you doing here?

Peter? What? Who's Peter?

[grunts]

Oh, my God! Peter!

My head!

Peter, what are you doing here in the middle of the afternoon?

Shouldn't you be at work?

I'm just picking up some supplies for work, like, um... like an Xbox and, uh, some tiki lamps...

Sorry, Peter.

Hope chicken's okay. They ran out of carnitas.

An Indian woman just ate the last two.

I saw her. She was hot.

Peter, why does this teenager know your burrito preference?

Don't you have a job?

I've never seen this teenager before.

[whispering] Get out of here, Marvin.

Damn, homey, I thought we were boys.

Look, I-I-I had a real job at a real practice, but honestly, all I ever really wanted to do was come home and play with Henry, anyway.

The other day, I called in sick, so the two of us spent the whole afternoon just picking boog and taking baths.

It was the noish-est day ever.

That is actually kind of sweet.

So anyway, that sick day turned into another sick day, which turned into, like, a sick week, and then pretty soon, I had sent them my fake obituary.

I d*ed of terminal diarrhea.

Lauren doesn't know?

No. I leave with her every morning, and then I drive here and watch Lifetime with Renee in electronics.

'Sup, Renee? How you living, girl?

Then when the coast is clear, I go home and hang out with Henry all afternoon.

And then when Lauren asks about your day, you just tell her plotlines to "Grey's Anatomy."

She doesn't watch TV, so she doesn't know any better.

It's a victimless crime. It's harmless, like dumping trash into the ocean.

Peter, she thinks you're having an affair.

Whoa, really?

Yeah.

That's so cool. I wonder who with.

Rosa, I bet. You know what?

Honestly, I'd hit it.

Ah, ah, ah.

Okay. You need to come clean.

We're gonna go home and you're gonna tell your wife the truth.

I'm taking this burrito as punishment.

I'm not even hungry. Come on.

Grab my popsicles.

Hey, can't I just wait till I run out of storylines from "Grey's Anatomy"?

No.

She's so invested.

Last week, she tried to get us into Denny's funeral.

There you are. I cannot believe you.

What were you thinking?

Look, everything was done with the best of intentions.

Diego said that Mindy sexually menaced him.

He just quit and made away with all the grotto stones.

Lauren, I am sorry, but he is a pool boy.

There it is.

And I...

Pool boy? He is not a pool boy.

He is the preeminent water feature designer of the American Southwest.

He won a MacArthur Genius Grant for a hot tub in Santa Fe.

Okay, well, obviously I did not know that.

And if anything, it's only making me hornier.

Well, I guess we have to cancel the photo sh**t with "Pool" magazine.

No, no, no, wait.

We'll figure this out, baby girl, this is not...

Wait, why are you home so early?

[whispering] Tell her, so she's less mad at me.

Well, the truth is... the office is on lockdown.

There was a woman who accidentally sh*t herself with a bazooka, and the unexploded shell is just lodged in her.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Look, Meredith and Derek will take care of all that.

Let's just go call Diego and sort it all out, okay?

[sighs] Okay.

I'm sorry you have to deal with all this. She's so dumb.

I know.

[mouthing] Sorry.

It's like, can you believe Mindy is a doctor? [laughs]

Hey, Martin. You could have told me that Diego was like the Albert Einstein of pool boys or whatever, instead of just standing there, like, licking your eyeballs.

Well, good news for you, young lady.

I talked to Diego; he agreed to come to dinner so you can apologize.

I took the liberty of writing an apology down for you, so you don't do something weird like apologize with a rap.

Wait, you haven't even heard my rap apologies.

[sighs]

[beatboxing]

Stop that, that's not good.

Okay, I know how to apologize.

Okay. [sighs]

Then I'll just let you change, unless you were planning on wearing the Dartmouth shorts.

No, Lauren, I wasn't.

Great, just checking.

Bye.

[sighs]

Diego, thank you so much again for coming to dinner.

I think Mindy has something that she wants to say.

Diego, it is true. When I first saw you, I thought you were a shirtless, illiterate pool boy.

[chuckles] I went to Yale.

This dude went to jail?

Why am I apologizing to him?

He went to Yale, Mindy. He went to Yale.

I am very sorry. Lo siento.

Mm...

Okay, Diego, right now I am kind of a pitiful person.

So who cares what I say or do?

I was just trying to feel sexy, 'cause I found out that Danny has a new girlfriend, and I freaked out.

Why does it matter what Danny's doing or who Danny's doing or...

Anyway, Diego, I just wanted to say that I've had a really hard week, but please don't take it out on them.

All right? I'm gonna be gone in a couple days, just please, complete their grotto.

It's okay.

Breakups can make you a little crazy sometimes.

When I found out my ex-wife was dating again, I cut her face out of all our family photos, and then blended them into a smoothie and drank it.

I know, total cliché, right?

So I understand, and...

I'll finish the job.

You will?

Thank you, Diego.

Oh, my gosh.

Thank you so much.

That's awesome.

Thanks, Diego.

Oh, Peter.

With all this grotto drama, I forgot to ask about Meredith.

Did they get the bazooka shell out of the patient?

Oh, yes. Uh-huh.

Yeah, everybody's fine. The patient's fine.

[sighs]

Meredith is fine.

The, um... the b*mb squad, they blew up in the hallway.

Oh, my God.

Are you talking about that episode of "Grey's Anatomy"?

I love that show. I watch it with my daughter.

No, it's his... it's his work.

Uh, Peter, I've been meaning to ask you, what is going on with Izzie's brain cancer?

I mean, I'm a neurosurgeon; you should really let me see her.

Mm, you should see her.

Yeah, she...

Doesn't work there anymore, right?

After she and Karev broke up.

Wait. How do you know Karev?

I'm a huge Shondahead.

Wait. What's going on here?

I... I can't tell if you're joking.

No, we're not joking.

Peter, what is he talking about?

Don't listen to him.

He's been to jail.

Did these things happen on a TV show?

I have something to tell you.

McDreamy dies in a car accident.

Mm.

How could you lie to me like that?

You quit your job? Why are you tired all the time?

Because I'm unhealthy.

I should probably go.

Good luck with your problems.

Thank you.

[sighs] Okay.

Looks like you need a mediator.

Lucky for you, I'm Henry Kissinger with a Brazilian.

I think we need some privacy.

Okay.

Then I guess I'll go upstairs and...

Actually, I would feel uncomfortable screaming if I knew you could hear me.

But if I don't get it out, it will manifest itself in a small cold.

Could you maybe go for a walk?

Okay, I'll go, but know this, you are the worst hosts that I have ever met, and my host family in Germany tried to put me in a stew and eat me.

Are you sure you just weren't in a bath?

Yeah, because you put carrots and cut up onions in a bath.

I know the difference between a bath and a stew, okay?

Oh, my God, please, please don't k*ll me!

I'm not caught up yet on my shows!

Stop it, stop it. Don't be so dramatic.

Nobody's going to k*ll you.

What are you talking about?

I am walking along a dirt road in Texas in the middle of the night.

d*ck Cheney could be running around here, looking for some pheasants.

You people are crazy.

Chainsaw massacres, Scalia "dies" here mysteriously.

Can I give you a ride somewhere?

To the nearest Tr*mp property.

[chuckles] Get in.

First time in a pickup truck... cool.

I got divorced two years ago, but it's still hard because we have a kid.

Oh, so do me and Danny.

God help you when they turn 13.

One day, you tuck a sweet, little girl into bed, and the next, you wake up with a hormonal cyberbully who steals from Sephora.

Hey, I'm sorry that I sexually harassed you.

I think I did it because... I don't know...

I thought a little sexcapade would make me feel better.

Nothing will make you feel better... for now.

All you can do is spend time with the people you love until you realize one day, you're not sad anymore.

[cell phone vibrates]

What, Peter?

Hey, you got to come back and help me.

Lauren is really upset. She locked herself in her room.

She hasn't been this mad at me since she found my... private towel.

Oh, yuck.

Just please come back. Please talk to her.

Okay, fine.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hey, do you mind...

No problem.

Okay, thank you.

Hey, man, I made hot Diego drive me back to fix your problem.

Your wife is really pissed at you, and she's throwing all your stuff out the window.

She hit me in the head with your pumpkin bong.

I think I'm high.

Thank you so much. This is really, really bad.

Will you talk to her?

Okay, I don't know if it's gonna make a difference, but...

[knocks] Lauren?

Lauren, honey.

You have to forgive Peter, okay?

I know he made a big mistake, and guess what.

He's gonna make a million more, but he's a good g...

[inhales bong]

[whispering] What are you doing?

[whispering] You were doing great.

Stop it. Put down the bong.

Okay, okay.

You just... you have to hear him out at least, all right?

But I... I don't know if I can trust him.

Things are really complicated right now, and they're only gonna get more complicated.

Complicated? We're just getting a grotto.

Yes, Peter, grottos are a lot of work.

It's like, you don't even get what a huge responsibility this is going to be.

You lost me.

I want to be there with you, but I'm just...

Lauren, is, by any chance, the grotto a metaphor for a baby?

How did you know that?

I'm a great OB/GYN but an even better detective.

Frankly, I'm great at everything...

Hold on, wait, are you... you're pregnant?

Mm-hmm.

With our baby?

Yeah. Are you happy?

Yeah, of course.

I mean, why do you think I quit my job and I come home all the time?

I love taking care of Henry. I'm going to love taking care of this baby too.

Oh, Peter.

Oh.

When do you think it was? Was it that night we went to the hibachi place?

This is the worst vacation ever!

Martin, we're getting high.

Hey, thanks for waiting.

You didn't, by any chance, see, like, a... a small lizard?

He goes by the name Martin.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

Thank you so much for driving me home.

Oh, it's fine.

It just sucks that I have to waste that hotel room I found online.

Well, who... who says we have to waste it?

Oh.

Do you mean like...

[makes squeaking sounds]

Like sex?

Mindy, guess what.

Lauren said we could get barbecue.

Like, real meat.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Diego. What's going on?

She bothering you? 'Cause I can talk to her.

No, I'm not bothering him.

[whispering] He just propositioned me for sex.

[makes squeaking sound]

That's hilarious, but get... can you get out of here, please?

All right, I'll leave you two to it.

So... I think you were right.

Shall we get out of here?

No, I... I think you were right before when you said that the best thing for me right now would be to spend time with the people that I love, and believe it or not, the people I love are these two losers.

I understand.

But if you're ever in New York, you should come visit me.

We can go see a Broadway show.

Do you know what that is?

To be honest, I don't really love the big city, so if I ever visit you in New York, we probably shouldn't leave your apartment.

Damn, dude.

Damn, dude.

You heard that, right?

I'd have sex with that guy.

Holy sh*t.

sh*t was hot.

That sh*t was hot.

Let's get some ribs.

[upbeat country melody]

♪ Deep in the heart of Texas ♪
♪ ♪
♪ The prairie sky ♪
♪ Is wide and high ♪
♪ Deep in the heart of Texas ♪
♪ The coyotes wail ♪
♪ Along the trail ♪
♪ Deep in the heart of Texas ♪
♪ That's why perhaps ♪
♪ They all wear chaps ♪
♪ Deep in the heart of Texas ♪

[cheering]