Man: (ON RADIO) You're listening to 86.9 Coolum FM, and remember folks, there's nothing lovelier than a well-trimmed bush.
At least that's what the judges of the Tidy Town competition say, and it's only two days till they arrive in Coolum, so keep those gardens gleaming and keep on rockin'.
(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)
So you're a junkie too, huh?
Pardon me?
Pocket Petz.
Hooked on 'em for years.
What, something funny about my life?
No.
You know what? I'll, ah, I'll finish these transfers.
You take off.
Cheers, Kurt.
(INDISTINCT MUSIC PLAYING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(KURT SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
Man 1: Hello, I need your help!
Woman: My books are reading themselves.
Man 2: My truck's stolen itself!
Woman 2: The costume shop comes alive at night.
Man 3: My glasses don't make me see.
I swear to you it's there.
You heard the clip clop!
I heard someone clip clop.
Jeez, you get angry quick.
What do you expect? I've just spent seven hours lost in a storm water drain looking for a sewer horse!
Quarter pony!
As if a horse could fit in a sewer.
Oh, that's going to stain.
(GROANS)
(MAN WHISTLING)
Bears.
Banks: Sarge?
What are you doing?
Toilet time is private time, Banks.
More to the point, what have you been doing?
It's a long story.
Involving a horse.
Quarter pony.
This is a police caravan.
Get out.
Right out!
I thought I made it pretty crystal clear, Banks.
Your job is to sit here and answer the phone, not run around town all night with that lunatic.
They said Charles Manson was a lunatic.
Get out.
But since you've chosen to neglect your duties, it's my phone that's been ringing off the hook.
Sarge, I'm sorry. What's happened?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe someone trashed the park with a ride-on mower, right before Tidy Town finals.
Gregor: Tidy Town is political bullshit.
Shut up, Gregor!
Sarge, I'm really sorry.
If there's anything I can do...
Well you can start by cleaning up last night's mess.
And I don't even know why I'm doing this, but I'm putting you in charge of keeping this town vandal-free until after judging.
If there's so much of a shrub out of place it's your arse.
You got it?
Gregor: Got it!
(GREGOR RETURNS KNOCK)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Talk to me.
Where?
Kurt Graywater.
Say cheese!
Always knew he was trouble.
Well, I figure he drove the mower off that cliff, prevailing tides brought it back around, washed up on the beach.
Right.
Sorry, Sarge, but why would he drive his mower off the cliff?
It was dr*gs. - Uh-uh!
There's no dr*gs in Coolum.
That's not what the paper says.
Madge, you can't believe the Noosa Times.
They've slandered us before and they're doing it again, oh, right on the eve of Tidy Town.
It's ice all right.
Why don't you look at his eyes?
Clem, grow up!
Act your age. It's not ice.
Glass? Tina?
Biker's coffee?
Ah, Sarge, maybe we could check it out?
(STAMMERING) Okay.
Clem: Yeah, check it out.
Let me say it loud and clear.
There's no ice in Coolum.
There's no dr*gs here at all.
This is a Tidy Town.
Now why don't you all just go home, the police have important work to do.
Speaka da English.
Go home!
Right, okay everyone.
If we could all just move along please.
Not you, Banks.
You've got a garden to clean.
Choppy-chop.
Gregor, what are you even doing here?
This is a crime scene!
How'd you even get in here?
It's a crime scene.
You're not a policeman.
Dig a broad, shallow planting hole.
Two, identify the trunk flare.
Is this the trunk flare?
Gregor!
We've got work to do!
Hey, Gregor, you old dickbag!
Woo!
Piss off!
Boy: Hey, Mr. Waters, you old dickbag!
(BOYS WHOOPING)
What was all that about?
Oh, bloody internet troll.
No, who was the kid you were talking to?
Oh, that was Tom.
He used to work at the radio station with Kurt Graywater.
In fact, Tom was the last person to see Kurt alive.
Was it dr*gs?
Oh no, no, no, no.
Tom said the hardest thing that Kurt was ever on was herbal tea.
But he was on the hard stuff.
Stuff like white pomegranate and bronze fennel, Chinese tea Why don't you go and talk to her?
What? No.
No, I wouldn't know what to say.
Tell you what, let's have a bit of a practice, all right? You and me.
Ah, you be Banks and I'll be Kath.
No!
All right.
Okay.
Hi, Banks.
I'm getting a drink.
Would you get me a lemonade?
Oh, no. No.
You can't have fizz.
(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)
(INDISTINCT MUSIC)
Banks: Hello again, Mrs. Merrylease.
Yes, I did see the paper and I have been assured there is no ice in Coolum.
How do I know? Well, I'm a police officer.
(MOVIE PLAYING ON LAPTOP)
Yes, I don't...
Yep, okay.
Can you turn that down, please?
What, no, Mrs. Merrylease, that was not an ice rage.
I'm not on ice.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello, Mrs. Walls.
Have you been speaking to Mrs. Johnson?
I know you've seen the article and I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told...
Mrs. Sheehan, it wouldn't be the first time a newspaper has lied though, would it?
I mean, remember that article about the person who was tying a bird to the front of their windscreen wipers, then driving around filming it?
Well, that didn't happen either, did it?
Oh, it did?
I'm sorry, Mrs. Key.
He sounds like a lovely bird.
If there are any dr*gs in Coolum, Mrs. Merrylease, you will be the first person I call.
Yes, I realize that that didn't come out right.
Okay, well I've gotta go now.
Bye-bye.
You know, Banks, you've really got to learn how to talk to old people.
What I do, I imagine how it would be to be old.
You are old.
I'm 47.
Yes, you're 47. I know.
Mrs. Merrylease thinks I'm on ice.
Well, are you?
No!
Well, I don't know what you get up to when I'm not here.
You're always here.
Well, not in the mornings.
Oh, most mornings.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello, Coolum Beach Police, protecting an ice-free community.
(SCREAMING OVER PHONE)
Sorry?
Sorry, can you speak up, please? I can't hear you over the...
(MOWER HUMMING OVER PHONE)
Mower.
Right, this is Gwen Bell's house.
Do you know her?
Well, I took her on a few sympathy dates after her husband d*ed, you know, but she started to get all, like, clingy and weird.
Oh, no, what happened here?
Oh!
(GREGOR LAUGHS)
Hello, Gwen, this is Banks, my new partner.
"Partner"?
Yeah, look, why don't we all just sit down, have some Milo, and you can tell us everything that happened, Gwen, huh?
You do have Milo?
(CHUCKLING) You know I do, pet.
(GNOME SHATTERS)
Sorry.
Mr. Kerfuffle was a fourth generation gnome.
Right.
No Milo for Banks.
And extra Milo for Gregor.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Let's do this quick!
What biscuits do you have?
(GREGOR SLURPING)
(SLURPING CONTINUES)
(EXHALES)
Everyone will look at my yard tomorrow and say that I lost the Tidy Town Award for Coolum.
Oh, heaven's above!
What?
My Milo has popped to the top.
Here, have mine.
Banks: Gwen.
Can you tell us what happened?
Can you tell us what happened, Cookie Face?
I heard someone in the shed.
And then the mower started up.
I looked outside, and this young boy was destroying everything.
Can you describe what he looked like, Gwen?
Like he was on dr*gs.
That ice.
You know it puts the devil in you.
Okay, um... Did you see which way he went?
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Look, he's only young, Gwen. He's trying to help.
He went that way.
Thank you.
(GREGOR SLURPING)
(EXHALES)
Right.
Let's go, Gwen.
I tell you what young people need.
Mmm?
A good dose of National Service.
Ah, it did wonders for me.
That'd get them off dr*gs.
There's no dr*gs in Coolum, Gwen.
That's not what Mrs. Merrylease tells me.
Young people today have no respect.
With their shirts hanging out.
And messy hair.
And they're fat.
Are you sure he went this way?
(SNIFFING)
Do you smell something?
(GWEN YELLING)
Hurry!
Hurry!
Banks: My shoes!
(SOBBING)
(EXHALES)
My husband's mower.
My shoes.
(GWEN SNIFFLES)
Gwen: He cherished that thing. It was the love of his life.
Gwen, I'm... I'm so sorry.
Argh!
You're all on ice.
Ow! Ow!
Gwen! (GROANS)
I'm not fat.
If anyone's fat, Gwen's fat.
Who do you think is fatter out of Gwen and me?
Seriously.
Be honest.
Truth hurts sometimes.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
No!
This place really needs a woman's touch.
Oh, look, just leave things where they are!
Do you need a hand, Gwen? The tea's in the, uh...
Top right cupboard.
Right.
The sugar's just, uh...
Bottom left drawer.
I see you've painted the ceiling, pet.
(SIGHS)
(HUMMING)
Gwen? What are you humming?
Hmm? I don't know. It's just stuck in my head.
This is serious, where did you hear that?
I think...
That young kid was singing it.
That kid that destroyed your garden?
Try and remember the words.
Ooh, um, "Mowing... "
"Somewhere."
Come on, Cookie Face, you can do it.
You can do it.
(SINGING) Mowing Somewhere...
The grass is always growing somewhere...
Growing somewhere...
We're in big trouble.
Just... No, Gwen.
(STAMMERING) Gwen, I like you as a friend.
That's all.
Gregor: You ever had a song stuck in your head?
A lot of Culture Club, yeah.
No, like, I mean a jingle.
No.
The last time I heard that song I was just 15 years old.
It was the jingle for Coolum's first lawnmower shop, "Mowing Somewhere."
The first time it was played on the radio, it put a spell on people.
They went mower crazy, buying two or three at a time.
It was madness.
We, uh, we tried to lock 'em out, but they burnt the place down.
I escaped through a cat flap at the back, but...
Poor Joe, he, uh... He was too fat to fit.
He d*ed.
Whoever's doing this isn't on dr*gs.
They've heard that jingle.
And if we don't find him, it won't be just goodbye Tidy Town, it's goodbye Coolum!
Mmm, Gregor, are you on ice?
You don't believe me.
You think I'm a massive dickhead, just like the rest of them.
Jingles don't turn people into mindless K*llers.
Yes, they do!
They're meant to possess you, control your mind.
This one's a powerful one, son.
It'll put your soul in a box and sh*t all over it.
Well...
Okay, where is a kid going to hear a jingle from 50 years ago?
That's what we're about to find out.
After it happened, I destroyed every tape.
But one of them must have slipped through the net.
Mind you, it was a pretty old net.
Stupid to use it.
But that tape is here somewhere, I'm sure of it.
Yeah, well, you were also sure that there was a horse that lived in Coolum's sewers.
Quarter pony!
You heard the "clip-clop."
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
Pocket Petz: Feed me. Please feed me. Feed me. (BEEPING) So hungry. Please feed me. Please feed me.
(POCKET PETZ CHATTERING)
Banks: Pocket Petz!
Oh, my God!
There really are dr*gs in Coolum.
(CHANTING OVER STEREO)
(JINGLE PLAYING OVER STEREO)
It only takes one listen.
Ah, eureka!
Ah!
Who's ever doing this has been listening to this tape.
We've got to destroy it.
Now I've got a chainsaw and some lighter fluid back at the caravan.
(BRUSH CUTTER WHIRRING)
Did you hear that?
It's him.
Gregor: He's here.
He's cut the power.
(WHIRRING CONTINUES)
It's Tom!
These are new batteries! No!
Tom, put the brush cutter down and come quietly!
I know it's dr*gs.
Hey, hey, he can't hear you.
He can only hear the jingle!
Hurry! Unlock the door!
Gregor: I'm trying!
Banks: It's the key with the ladybug pattern.
That's the key for the gymnasium hall.
Banks: It had an animal pattern!
Try the zebra one!
Please, shut up, shut up!
You're confusing me.
Got it!
It was the ladybug key.
Argh!
(EXCLAIMS) I broke it.
Sorry, son. I didn't know me own strength.
Banks: This is really going to hurt!
I knew this is how it was gonna end.
(BRUSH CUTTER POWERS DOWN)
(THUDDING)
Oh, now it works!
Ha.
Yeah, his name's Tom Guerney.
I think it's an ice rage.
No, we're not at the police station.
We're in a caravan.
It's in a park.
Yes, a caravan. It's in Tickle Park.
Quick, just... Can you send the ambulance, please?
Thank you.
(DISTANT GROANING)
How hard is it?
(TOM GRUNTING)
(STRAINING, PANTING)
Now, Tom.
You're suffering from a withdrawal.
Or an overdose.
You've taken something.
Is it ice?
(PANTING)
Okay Tom, now...
(SPITS)
Oh! (EXHALES) Really?
Really, Tom, I've looked in your bag and I've seen the Pocket Petz, okay?
I know you must be on something. What is it?
(RETCHES)
Ohh!
Yuck, my sheets!
(GROANS)
I found it.
What have you been doing?
Look at my sheets!
We've got to work fast, before he completely loses it.
What?
We've got to help him get his soul back.
What are you talking about?
Tom has gotta sing the jingle with soul.
He doesn't need a sing-a-long, Gregor.
He needs a tranquilizer.
Or a bucket.
Tom, sing along with me.
(SINGING) ♪ If you have a lawn that needs a shave ♪
♪ Shave, shave, shave ♪
♪ Mowing Somewhere ♪
(SNARLING)
♪ Mowing Somewhere ♪
(TOM GROANING, RETCHING)
♪ Grass is always growing somewhere ♪
(GRUNTING WILDLY)
♪ And if you have a lawn that needs a shave ♪
♪ Mowing Somewhere and save ♪
(EXHALES)
It's working.
Tom?
(GROWLS)
Whoa, whoa! Come on, come on!
Tom. Tom!
(SNARLING)
Sing it! Sing the lyrics, Banks!
What?
Sing it.
I can't sing!
It's on the pamphlet.
The words are on the pamphlet.
(CLAMORING)
Sing it! Sing it!
(SINGING OFF-KEY) ♪ Mowing Somewhere... ♪
Sing it with soul!
(SINGING OFF-KEY) ♪ Mowing Somewhere... ♪
(GREGOR CHOKING)
(SINGING BEAUTIFULLY) ♪ The grass is always growing somewhere ♪
(COUGHING)
♪ And if you have a lawn that needs a shave ♪
♪ Mowing Somewhere ♪
♪ Mowing Somewhere... ♪
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Shh.
(PANTING)
Is that vomit?
Ugh!
(BOTH SINGING) ♪ Mowing Somewhere and save... ♪
(VOCALIZING)
(PANTING) Gregor? What's happening?
It's all right, Tom.
You're safe now.
Uh, look, I'm going to take a little bit of money from your wallet to pay for Banks' new sheets, okay?
(SIREN WAILING)
Say cheese.
Paramedic: Do you think his heart stopped?
I must think of a sensitive caption for that photo.
Banks: He doesn't remember a thing.
Gregor: It was powerful stuff in his system.
So you agree with me?
What?
That it was ice?
No!
It was music.
Music, powerful stuff.
Save your soul or it can take it away.
No, no, no, no. No, no.
Come on, let's go play Hero Quest.
Fish fingers, too?
Why are you asking my permission?
You're 47 years old.
(GREGOR SIGHS)
Banks: Watch your step.
Do you have any idea how much of an idiot you made me look in front of the Tidy Town committee?
Sorry?
One night, Banks.
And you couldn't keep this town clean.
What's the Noosa Times going to say now?
Sarge, I can't be held accountable for the actions of someone on dr*gs.
I told you, Coolum does not have dr*gs.
But Tom Guerney?
(SIGHS) His blood test came back clean.
What's going to happen to him?
Punishment.
He made sure we couldn't win Tidy Town, so he's going to be washing cars for quite some time.
He att*cked me with a brush cutter.
And not just one car.
Maybe even a bus.
School bus.
Imagine cleaning that.
Not so fast, Banks.
We've got a complaint against you!
Shh!
(STAMMERING) A complaint?
"The officer was rude, mean and quite possibly on dr*gs."
No, well, why do you think that was me?
Oh, she describes you.
"Untucked shirt, messy hair...
"Fat."
Gwen.
You're going to have to apologize to her, Banks.
(SIGHS)
Banks: Yeah, I painted it myself.
It's to replace Mr. Kerfuffle.
I thought maybe, you know, you could start a new collection.
Thanks.
I'll call it Fatty.
Constable Fatty.
How's the sausages, handsome?
They're coming.
I'm going to do something now I should have done a long time ago.
(COUGHING)
Well, cover your eyes. Cover your eyes!
(BANKS CONTINUES COUGHING)
Go and talk to her. I'll handle things here.
Go!
Hey!
Hey! Heya, Kath.
Well? What are you up to?
(COUGHING)
Oh, God, help me f*cking eyes!
Help!
Gwen: His f*cking eyes!
Okay.
Gregor: No, don't touch 'em! Don't touch 'em! Ow!
Don't touch 'em!
01x02 - Jingle
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"The Strange Calls" follows the adventures of a young constable, who has been transferred to a fictional Australian seaside community called Coolum, where the emergency calls get stranger every night.
"The Strange Calls" follows the adventures of a young constable, who has been transferred to a fictional Australian seaside community called Coolum, where the emergency calls get stranger every night.