01x04 - Napoleon

[bunniefuu]

Bosh: "C... Q... D... R... P."

Beth: We shouldn't be doing this.

Beth, shut up and close your eyes.

Oh, evil spirits, hear us. (CHUCKLES)

We welcome you tonight to our gathering.

(WHISPERING) Beth! Throw the nugget.

Now, accept our offering and arise, denizens of the nether regions.

(FAINT JINGLING)

(WHISPERING) Did you hear that?

Beth, shut up, okay? Just throw the nuggets.

Bosh, no, please!

No, Beth, your job is to throw the nuggets, you fat arse.

I'm not fat!

I lost that weight.

(JINGLING CONTINUES)

Look, Bosh, maybe we should just go back to mine, yeah?

Tim, you know your mum banned me till next Wednesday.

(RUSTLING)

(JINGLING AND SCUTTLING)

Bosh: Who's there?

Hey!

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Pussies.

(SIGHS)

(CAT SNARLING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Man 1: (ON PHONE) Hello? I need your help.

Woman 1: My books are reading themselves.

Man 2: (ON PHONE) My truck's stolen itself!

Woman 2: (ON PHONE) The costume shop comes alive at night.

(INDISTINCT)

Elaine: I'm sorry to call you so early.

I'd just put some fish fingers in the microwave.

But if it's an emergency...

No, no, no, you did the right thing, Elaine.

This is very serious.

You must be very shaken up.

Oh, it was horrible.

I mean, I can still see it when I close my eyes.

So, where's the body?

Where's the rest of the body?

(GROANING AND MUTTERING)

Ah.

(RETCHING)

You're bird watchers.

Damn it.

Elaine: I know.

It's senseless.

That's a barred cuckoo-shrike.

We stayed up all night last night watching the breeding ritual.

Perverts.

Stop! Gregor, stop it.

And then this morning Clem found the male of the pair.

It was a cat.

(MURMURING)

I can come down to the station and make a statement if you like.

It was a blur.

You said it was a cat!

No, it all happened so fast, it looked like a blur.

It was either a blur, or a cat.

Gregor, stop it.

Okay? Just...

As I was saying, I can come down to the station and make a statement if you like.

Yeah, well, that won't be necessary, thanks, Elaine.

We don't actually take statements about cats k*lling birds.

So... So you're just leaving?

Yes. I'm sorry.

Automated voice: Say cheese!

What?

It's for Twitter.

Well, I'm glad somebody's taking this seriously!

(SOBBING)

And you shut up, Clem!

(TEARFULLY) You're not the only one who's hurting here!

(GASPING) Oh, someone's been in here.

Bears. (CHUCKLES)

It's those damn kids!

Well, you started it.

What? What are you talking about?

Well, you never should have taken his skates.

His rollerblades, and I confiscated them because he was... riding them without a helmet.

That's bullshit, Banks.

It's the law, Gregor, and they have got to learn to respect it.

Son, they're not going to learn to respect you or the law until you learn to respect yourself.

You've got to learn to relax, mate.

It's nothing that some fish fingers and a game of Hero Quest can't fix.

It's easy for you to say. They're scared of you.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, kids are kids.

Don't you remember when you were their age?

You know, strawberry spiders and licorice snakes?

Catching worms in the rain?

Hey, loosen up, dude. (CHUCKLING)

(GASPING) Me f*ckin' games!

Those little shits have stolen me board games!

Oh, I'll ram their heads so far up their arses!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Gregor, Gregor! (SHUSHING)

Hello, Coolum Beach Police, Banks speaking.

(SOBBING) They've stolen me... Blossom tapes as well.

The whole series!

Elaine: These cats must have a curfew.

Look, you're preaching to the choir.

I couldn't agree more, and Elaine, thank you for your statement and again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Elaine: Thank you, Neil.

(SOFTLY) Bye-bye.

(ELAINE SCOFFS)

Elaine: Bye, Neil.

Get in, Banks.

(NEIL CLEARING THROAT)

Why didn't you take a statement from Elaine?

Because it was a dead bird.

A bird that attracts the tourists, Banks.

Hervey Bay has whales, Noosa has the 200-pound groper and Coolum has the shrike.

But, uh, a cat k*lled a bird.

That's... not a crime.

It is in Coolum.

Did you know that the Coolum Birding Society funds the Police Ball every year?

No.

And do you know who's president of the Coolum Birding Society?

Elaine?

And do you know what will happen if she's unhappy with the police?

She'll stop funding the ball?

(GASPS MOCKINGLY) Will she?

What fabulous skills of deduction!

Well, I've got another case for you, detective.

(ENUNCIATING SLOWLY) Catch that cat.

Sarge, please. I'm a policeman.

Banks, we can't have a k*ller cat on the loose.

Not this close to the Police Ball.

I need you to protect those birds and catch the cat.

Go on, get.

(SIGHING HEAVILY)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Automated voice: You have a Twitter!

(GREGOR LAUGHS)

My stolen Blossom tapes are already trending on Twitter.

Those punk kids don't stand a chance.

So, what's happening?

We have to catch the cat.

Ah, I see.

Well, there's nothing I like better than chasing p...

(CAR HORN BLARING)

p*ssy. I was gonna say p*ssy.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

I gotta go and see a man about a crab pot.

(CAR DOOR CLOSING)

Kath: Hello, Officer.

Not used to seeing you around this bright and early.

Hard night?

Yeah, actually, um...

I've been investigating a m*rder.

I heard.

I saw Elaine down at the bait shop.

She told me about the bird.

Yep. Yeah, well, the, um... The shrike is a very rare bird.

It's... It's Coolum's 200-pound groper.

Right.

Yeah.

They mate for life, you know.

The shrike, not the groper.

Not that I'm an expert on groping... Groper.

(CHUCKLES) Groper.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(THUDDING)

(BOYS LAUGHING)

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Bosh: Sorry, Officer. I was aiming for the bin.

Bosh Mackenzie.

Just... Just one sec. I'll handle this.

That's... (CHUCKLES)

Seriously?

I know it was you who broke into the police van last night.

I know it was you who stole those board games.

You're the only thief here.

Speaking of thieves, where's my blades?

Your blades were confiscated because you were not wearing a helmet.

(SCOFFING)

Which is nothing compared to the destruction of police property.

You can go to jail for that.

I think.

Okay? You got it? You all got it?

Good.

Good.

Banks: I'm sorry you had to see me like that, Kath.

Hey, Banks!

I'm gonna get my blades back, and I'm gonna get you, you hear me?

You don't... You don't have to do that.

Shut up and stay still.

Do you think milkshake stains?

(CHUCKLES) Shut up.

Mrs. Merrylease, please. Stop.

It's not a panther, it's a cat.

There are absolutely no panthers in Coolum.

Charlie Hutton?

What, the guy who owns the video store?

No, he's a member of the Black Panthers, Mrs. Merrylease.

He's never k*lled a bird.

Oh, he has, has he?

(DOOR OPENING)

Look, Mrs. Merrylease, I've gotta go now. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Where have you been?

Is that a crab pot?

Modified.

It's a cat pot now. (CHUCKLES)

The hunt is on.

Come on, Banks, let's go and catch that little fucker.

(DOGS BARKING)

Hi, Elaine. Um...

Mrs. Lawson? I'm here to help.

I've got cat traps.

And cherry slice.

Elaine: Cherry slice?

(SIGHS)

That cat deserves to be stripped of all of its fur, and made to trot around the town square naked, in nothing but its bare pink skin.

Absolutely!

(SNIFFLING)

Well said, Elaine.

The crab...

Cat traps are set.

Ah, you've had a change of attitude.

Sergeant Lloyd mention the Police Ball, did he?

Gregor: Ahem, so tell us, Elaine. What happened last night?

Did you, uh, see the cat?

No. But I did hear its bell.

A bell.

A stray cat doesn't have a bell.

(WINGS FLAPPING)

Ah, a bird's landed.

(BIRD CHIRPING)

Elaine: It's the barred cuckoo-shrike.

(JINGLING)

I know that bell.

(TRAP SNAPPING)

Crab... Cat traps. Yes! I've got him!

No, no, wait, wait! Wait, Banks!

Wait!

(GRUNTING)

What?

(JINGLING AND SCUTTLING)

Ahhh! What the hell? Get off me, you pervert!

Banks: No!

(STAMMERS)

What are you doing here?

Bird watching.

What?

Were you ringing a bell?

What?

Okay, seriously, I am warning you.

Stop... mucking me about.

Okay? Or else!

Or else what?

(GIRL SCOFFS)

(RUSTLING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(CHUCKLES) You all right, son?

What? Yes.

All right.

(CAT YOWLING)

(BIRD SQUEALING)

(BONE CRUNCHING)

Elaine: (SOBBING) No, no!

Oh, where were you?

Sorry, Elaine, there were these kids, and...

Sorry won't bring 'em back. Now they're both dead.

Banks: Sorry, Elaine.

Banks: What makes you think the cat's here?

Because this is where I left him.

What?

His name... was Napoleon.

Oh, Gregor, I am tired.

Is there any way you can quickly and, I don't know, clearly tell me what you're talking about?

Many, many years ago...

(GROANS)

... there was a spate of bird murders.

The k*ller was a gruesome tabby named Napoleon.

He k*lled so many beautiful birds.

Don't you want to know how many birds he k*lled?

Not really, no.

Seven.

Right. Well, it's not really that many birds, not for a cat.

I mean, you know, I know it's not great, but it's sort of in a cat's nature, isn't it?

Is it in a cat's nature to leave a signature?

Every victim had a single slash across its chest, and a leg missing, just like the bird today.

I tried to stop Napoleon, but he'd have none of it.

(EXHALES)

It got really ugly.

It was an asymmetric w*r.

I had weapons, he had brains.

You went to w*r against a tabby?

Come on, Gregor.

He was a monster!

And I k*lled him.

You k*lled a cat.

He was asking for it.

Right, and now, according to you, this cat has come back from the dead.

How, in your mind, is this possible?

Oh, no, no, no, those shithead kids.

Don't they know the power of these games they're playing with?

This is where I buried him.

Banks: Why did you give him a tombstone?

Respect.

Oh, look, they're digging up graves as well.

Oh, no. This has been dug from within.

It's fresh, Banks.

Napoleon.

He's back.

Right.

Well, uh, I'm going to go back to the car, and I'll see you back there when you're done... eating the dirt.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Far out! Those kids! What...

(GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

Automated voice: Say cheese.

Oh! Gregor!

What have... What have I told you about... creeping up on me?

He's out there, Banks. He's watching.

(STAMMERING) I... I can feel him.

(BELL JINGLING)

We've gotta go right now. Right now!

We can't drive with that tire. We're going to have to walk.

(CHUCKLES) You mean you have to walk.

Gregor: Hurry up, Banks.

Banks: You realize those rollerblades are making us go slower than a walking pace.

We don't want to get caught in any guerrilla warfare.

There's nothing out there, Gregor.

Oh, yeah? Well, he took out our transport, and now it's out there flanking us.

If there's anything flanking us, it's Bosh and his mates.

I can't believe you're scared of those kids.

Yeah, well, I can't believe you're scared of a cat.

Here, here, kitty kitty cat.

Stop it. Stop it, Banks.

Sorry. Uh, here, zombie cat.

Banks, you are such a douche bag.

I know what that means, Gregor.

Why don't you explain it to me, then?

(BELL JINGLING)

Banks: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Shh! (SHUSHING)

Bosh?

(SOFT YOWLING)

If you're out there, you're in big trouble.

(CAT HISSING)

Banks, don't go.

It's a trap.

(GROWLING)

(HORN HONKING)

(YELPING)

Gregor: Oh, thank you, Jesus!

Shove over, Kath. There's a cat on the loose.

Kath: Sorry about the worms.

They're a bit smelly. (CHUCKLES)

Really? I... (CLEARS THROAT) I hadn't noticed.

You are a terrible liar.

So how are you finding Coolum?

Well...

What?

Uh...

I don't think many people like me around here.

Oh, yes, they do. People just act funny around police.

But they like you.

I like you.

Though I'm a little bit surprised you haven't called me yet.

I mean, I thought we were going to grab a bite sometime.

Yeah, yeah, I was. I was gonna call.

There's been just...

How's next Saturday night?

Uh... Yeah.

Good. Great.

Perfect. Definitely, yeah.

(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)

Look, can you turn that sh*t off?

I'm trying to listen.

It's out there.

Don't tell Gregor, but I'll pick up his truck in the morning.

Okay. Thanks.

No worries.

Hey! Forget about your stiffy, son!

We got work to do! Come on!

Bye, Kath.

Bye.

(r*fle COCKING)

Whoa! Okay, stop.

I hope... Is that a tranquilizer g*n?

(CHUCKLING)

Haven't had to use it since the last time I k*lled Napoleon.

Now it looks like I'll have to k*ll him again.

Right! Good. Okay, well, we'll take...

We'll take the g*n and we'll go back to the reserve.

And then we'll tranquilize the cat and then Elaine'll fund the ball and then Sarge'll like me again.

Well, he probably won't like me, but maybe he'll hate me less.

Anyway, it doesn't really matter. Let's go.

(CRASHING)

We're not going anywhere.

(FOOTSTEPS THUDDING)

It's those kids.

(LAUGHS) It's Napoleon.

(GIRL SCREAMING)

Far out!

Look, you're not getting your blades back!

No, don't go out there, Banks.

If this was Hero Quest, the fat dwarf would be the first one to go.

I'm not fat! Gregor, this isn't Hero Quest.

(THUMPING)

(GROANING)

What?

Gregor!

(GROANS)

Are you all right? Are you...

There's an old man in here!

I'm 47.

Gregor? Okay, this is ridiculous.

Stay here. I'm going to call Sarge.

(CLATTERING)

They've cut the phone line.

It's been chewed.

(POWERING DOWN)

Things are gonna get cray-cray.

(BELL JINGLING)

Banks: We'll stay here until the morning.

It's not worth getting hurt... over a bunch of kids.

Ow! Have you done this before?

Once.

With a koala.

My ex-girlfriend and I found it on the road.

(SIGHS) Oh, well.

Here's to koalas... and lost loves...

Actually, Gregor, sorry, I can't really.

I'm on duty.

Ah.

Hey, shouldn't you go a bit easy?

(SIGHS) I ain't had a drop of whisky in 20 years.

The wife cured me of that little mischief.

But when I saw that second bird today...

We've all got our demons, Banks.

Greg...

Gregor, why are you getting so upset about this... cat?

Because it's already taken so much from me.

What do you mean?

I did not know you had a wooden leg.

The cat took it.

It used to belong to my wife.

The leg?

The cat.

My wife got Napoleon to keep her company while I was at the w*r.

But when I got back, that's when the real fighting started.

(CHUCKLES) That cat hated me.

So it started acting out.

Little things first, like, you know, clawing the sofa, meowing when it wasn't hungry.

But then it got worse.

It went after my wife's birds.

Each night, it got into her aviary and... took another victim.

God knows how it kept getting in. (CHUCKLING)

But each morning I found a new bird with a slash across its chest and a leg missing.

It broke my wife's heart.

So I k*lled it.

(GREGOR SMACKS LIPS)

After it was done, I presented the cat to my wife.

Do you know what she said?

"k*lling cats is illegal"?

Yes.

That cat kills love, Banks.

(SIGHING)

Ah.

You never talk about your wife.

What happened to her?

I don't know.

(THUDDING)

Gregor!

Gregor!

(GROANING)

Okay, Gregor, I want you to stay here.

I'll be back.

No, please don't go, mate. Please.

They might be violent, crazy, deranged, really good-looking.

But like you said, they're only kids.

It's time I earned some respect.

Wait, Banks!

Don't go out there unarmed.

You kids are not getting your blades back!

You need to learn that you can't just bully people to get what you want!

You need to learn to respect the law!

(DOOR CLOSING)

Gregor: Get off me!

Gregor?

Gregor: Banks! Help!

Get off me!

Banks: You little bugger!

(BANKS GRUNTS)

(BOSH SCREAMS)

Wow! You just never learn, do you?

Hey, I just want my blades back.

They're really expensive.

Not only are you not getting your blades back, you're coming to the police station with me, whenever it is they open.

(SNIFFING)

Banks: What?

What are you doing? Stop that. Don't.

You been drinking on duty, Banks?

What? No! What?

I can smell it all over you.

Nice try.

No one's going to believe you. Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, you could take that risk.

Or maybe you could just give me my blades back and I won't tell anyone.

No.

I'm doing the right thing, and maybe you'll learn something from me.

(CAT SNARLING)

(SCREAMING)

Gregor: sh**t it.

(COCKING g*n)

(SNARLING AND SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(f*ring)

Ahhh! Ow!

Aim properly, Banks!

(COCKING g*n)

(SNARLING)

(f*ring)

(GROANING)

Ahhh! I'm... I'm sorry!

Okay. (INHALING DEEPLY)

(f*ring)

(CAT MEOWING)

I'm gonna get you for this, Banks.

(CAT YOWLS SOFTLY)

(SIGHS)

Banks: Okay, what do they call the Tube in Paris?

- I don't know.

"Le Tube."

They do not.

That's what it says on the card.

- Le liar.

Uh, what?

I'm Le telling the truth.

(LAUGHS)

That is what it says on the card.

Let me see, then.

- No, it's in Le French.

Let me see Le card.

I don't want to embarrass you with your lack of...

That's bullshit, Banks. It's the Metro.

Banks: Gregor.

What the hell happened?

Don't worry. The kids have gone.

We've got nuggets on.

Nuggets.

Hey, what's Kath doing here?

Did you bone her?

(WHIMPERS)

No, Gregor, I was dropping off your truck and Banks told me what happened.

Where's Napoleon?

Where's Napoleon?

Okay, settle down. It's okay. It's all right. He's...

He's right there. The cat's right there.

(MEOWS)

It's not a zombie.

Neil: Banks?

Just rest, okay?

Kath.

Neil.

What are you doing here?

I just dropped Gregor's truck off.

Banks, what happened here?

Oh, I, um, just need to do a bit of housekeeping.

Yes, clearly you do.

Well, at least you caught that cat. Where is it?

In Le bedroom. (CHUCKLES)

(NEIL CHUCKLES)

You know, Banks, Kath and I have known each other for quite some time.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

And she's been to my place as well.

Kath: Didn't have nuggets, though.

No.

No, we didn't.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Better get this cat back to Elaine so she can write me a check.

(VEHICLE DRIVING AWAY)

(SIGHING) Oh, man.

(BELL JINGLING)

That one's for you, my dear.