05x13 - High School Diplomacy

[bunniefuu]

All right? Okay, perfect.

If somehow I die in the next few minutes, please take all of this off me before you call anyone.

(knocking on door)

Knock-knock.

Hey, Ben. Or should I say milady?

Hey, don't make me take these earrings off.

Thanks for hanging on to my stuff while I looked for a place.

I'll just grab a few boxes and get out of your way.

Look, I'm really sorry you have to find a new place, but your job at the bar is...

Is over. I'm looking for a new one of those too.

You know, someplace where both of the owners haven't seen me naked.

Ben, you're not going to believe... Sam?

Didn't expect you to be here, you know, because then I wouldn't have come in.

Careful, Riley, you might blow out your back holding that giant grudge.

Riley, why can't you at least be pleasant?

I thought you and Danny had worked things out.

Yeah, Danny and I are cool, but she can kiss my...

Oh my God. I almost forgot why I came over.

I just got a call from our old high school athletic director, Coach DiNardo.

I thought he was in jail.

Yeah, they couldn't make the charges stick.

But they are inducting me, Riley Perrin, Team Captain and two-time State Field Hockey Champion, into the coveted Hall of Athletes.

Oh, is that different than the super lame Hall of Athletes they had when we went to school there?

I'm just going to pretend that you said congratulations instead.

Oh my God. Thank you so much.

But, you know, I'm on the alumni committee.

I was going over the list of graduates and you're not on it.

I... I'm sorry. Are you implying that I never actually graduated high school and I've been lying to my friends and family for years?

Um, no.

I was just saying you should probably call the school.

Ah, right. I will... definitely do that.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of trying to run a kingdom.

I dub thee Annoying. Begone!

(theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

Hey, Mom, can I talk to you about...

Hey, did you hear?

Danny is being inducted into the Westmore High School Hall of Athletes.

I am so proud. I made everybody T-shirts!

(shrieks gleefully)

So, what'd you want to tell me?

I didn't actually graduate from high school.

Oh, yes, you did!

I saw you walk across that stage and get your diploma.

I even paid for your graduation trip to Cancun.

Kind of one of the reasons I didn't mention it before.

(gasps)

It's not that big of a deal, right?

Wrong! Wrong, Ben!

What kind of role model are you going to be for your daughter?

When I walked across that stage and I got my diploma, that was one of the proudest moments of my life.

Mostly because I managed to do it without going into labor.

I can't imagine another mother, ever, being more disappointed in her son.

(groans)

Mrs. Wheeler, do I really have to wear this?

Well, except maybe his mother, but I'm running a close second.

Danny Wheeler!

Coach DiNardo! Hey, I didn't expect to see you here.

Neither did my lawyers, but here I am!

Hey, thanks for bringing in some of your stuff to help fill out the case.

No problem.

Here's the stick I used to make the championship-winning goal my senior year.

Girls used to write their phone numbers on it.

You think any of those are still good?

Danny?

Riley. What are you doing here?

I'm being inducted into the Hall of Athletes as Athlete of the Year.

Actually, it's Co-Athelete of the Year.

Okay. I see what's going on here.

Danny Wheeler, Riley Perrin... two star athletes who made good and fell in love.

Great little human interest story.

But we're actually not dating anymore, so if you could keep that on the down-low, I think we'd both really appreciate it.

Yeah. No one cares.

The school board just coughed up enough cash for a couple of extra cases, so we figured, might as well fill them.

It's still an honor.

Uh, where is my case, anyway?

Next to the girls' bathroom?

And not even the good bathroom, the one where the skanks and potheads hang out.

Hey. Skanks and potheads need to be inspired too.

This... This is because I'm a girl.

You know, I get shoved in the back, while you, a boy, get showcased up front.

If you replace "boy" with "New York Ranger" and "girl" with "not a New York Ranger," then, yeah, I agree with you.

Oh my God. Oh my God!

Look. They're honoring Sam too?

Cheerleading is not even a sport.

She was head cheerleader and they won state like four times.

Oh, are you sure? Do you want to go home and check your diary?

Who's that kid with the huge nose?

(gasps) Oh my God.

Oh my God!

It's Sam!

And she's hideous.

I can't believe the girl who bullied me every day for how I looked looked like this.

Oh, thank you. This is going to be so good. I'm going to destroy her.

Or you can be the bigger person and pretend like you never saw it.

Very funny, Danny, but I need real ideas here.

Dude, I seriously can't believe that you just forgot to take your biology final.

Let's just say an exchange student named Inka might've had something to do with it.

Inka-Dinka, don't mind if I do.

Hey, thanks for coming with me.

No problem, man.

You know, I've never really understood why anybody would want to be a teacher, man.

You're under-appreciated, you're underpaid and under my sheets if I'm lucky. Excuse me.

How you doing? I'm Tucker Dobbs. I'm a new teacher here.

Do you mind showing me where the teacher's lounge is?

And I wouldn't mind stopping for a drink on the way there.

Mom?

Ben!

Hey! What am I doing here?

Well, since you brought it up...

Uh, you know, I... just thought I would come down here and see if there was any way that I could help you get that diploma.

Oh, thanks. That's why I'm here too.

I just I really want to be the kind of role model to Emma that you were to me.

There you are!

Found your file.

Bonnie Krapinski.

Only three credits shy of graduation.

Never got around to taking that biology final, huh?

What? You didn't graduate either?

After everything you said to me?

I was giving birth.

That's God's biology final.

I don't think those credits transfer.

(elevator dings)

Oh, hey.

I'd love to stay for any witty insults you want to toss my way, but this is my last box, so, see you never.

Well, lucky for me, a picture is worth a thousand snarky comments.

Look familiar?

God, give me that! I thought I destroyed all these!

Please, like I didn't make copies.

What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry I hooked up with Danny in high school, but you have been a bitch to me ever since the day I met you.

I'm sorry, I was mean to you?

You never missed an opportunity to remind me that I was a fat dork.

Like I didn't already know that?

Look, I got a nose job so I could fit in.

But then, I don't know where God gave me these, and I stood out all over again.

Ever guy wouldn't leave me alone, and every girl pretty much stopped talking to me unless it was to make snide comments behind my back, most of which came from you and your little jock posse, so don't think that you're the only one who went home and cried after school.

Wow. I...

I had no idea. I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, so am I.

And for the record, I would've reacted exactly the same way if I found out my boyfriend lied about sleeping with someone too.

I mean, you flat-out asked him.

Thank you!

Hey, um... I have an open bottle of wine.

Do you want to help me finish it?

I'd love that.

Oh, oh. And you are never going to believe where they put our trophy cases.

Next to the skank bathroom.

And where'd they put Danny's case, right up front?

Oh, you know it.

Men.

(door closes)

Oh.

This can't be good.

So, all we got to do, is convince the current teacher to let us take the final.

If it's still Mr. Roberts, I so got this.

Ben Wheeler.

I do not got this.

Ms. Gilcrest. Hi.

Great to see your eyebrow has grown back.

Bet you never thought you'd see me again, huh?

Oh, I don't know. I tutor at the prison, so I keep an eye out for you.

(cackling)

You must be the mom.

Yes, Your Honor.

Look, I appreciate that you both want to do the right thing, so I will let you retake the test.

By the way, it's tomorrow.

Do you happen to know if that was ever made into a movie?

Dude, this is impossible. I'm never going to pass.

What does biology have to do with life anyway?

Look, man, I'd help you out, but I met the lovely Miss Jimenez in the teacher's lounge, and I offered to help grade some of her students' Spanish homework.

I didn't know you spoke Spanish.

I don't.

Which is too bad for little Tommy... C-plus!

Forty-nine!

Can you believe it? Forty-nine!

I could, if you put on a little more makeup and you dim the lights.

Tick-tock, smartass. Tick-tock.

Forty-nine is what I got on the practice test.

What the hell am I going to do?

Mrs. Wheeler, if you just stay focused and work hard, you'll pass.

Effort never goes without reward.

D-minus for Topher.

You know, Ben, this test might be easier if we considered "alternative" study methods.

Are you suggesting we cheat?

Cheat? No, no.

Those are you words, not mine.

Unless you're "open" to it.

No, I'm not open to it.

We should both do this the right way.

Yes. Exactly what I was thinking.

Yes. I'm so glad we are on the same page, son.

All right, I need you to help me cheat.

And why would I want to do that?

Because I'll tell everyone where you go every Wednesday afternoon.

That's right. I follow you on the subway.

Hey, bro. You got two seconds?

Yeah.

Think I might have a little situation on my hands.

I think Riley and Sam are becoming friends.

Are you serious?

Dude, what are you still doing here? Run! Hide!

Start a new life in another country.

Man, they have one common hatred now.

They do? What is it?

It's you, Danny.

That hatred is you.

Look, man, if you ever want to have a future with Riley, you need to find a way to end her friendship with Sam.

You've got to split them like an atom.

Oh my God. I'm learning.

Are you sure?

I mean, honestly, how bad can it be?

Oh!

Whoa!

(laughing)

This is so cool.

I finally did something badass in high school!

Take that, stupid Danny.

You think you're better than girls? Well, you're not. And you know why?

Oh. Are you talking to me?

Talking about what?

I don't know.

I have to barf.

It's got to be here somewhere.

Answer key. Answer key.

Answer key! Yes, yes!

Can I help you?

Hi. Hey. (chuckles nervously)

I'm the new substi-cute teacher, Mr. Tucker Dobbs.

And regardless of what you have heard, Miss Jimenez and I are not exclusive.

You know Ms. Jimenez is married?

No, I did not know that.

(door opens)

Ms. Gilcrest?

Hey, I know I'm a couple hours early, but I really need help with some of the human reproduction questions.

Oh.

Is this the part where you try to get me to say "penis," while you snicker to yourself?

(scoffs) No need.

But I'm actually serious. I have to pass this test.

And I'm sorry I was such a troublemaker back then, but I'm not that guy anymore.

In fact, I'm actually a... a father now.

This is my daughter, Emma.

She's why I'm doing this.

She's pretty cute.

She has your eyes.

Fine.

Oh, thank you.

And, again, I'm sorry I was such a troublemaker back then.

At least you always made me laugh, and you really weren't that bad.

I was almost expelled.

It was never going to happen.

You were quite the charmer.

And it looks like you've only improved with age.

Ms. Gilcrest.

Are you flirting with me?

I don't know.

Maybe I am.

Teachers are allowed to have crushes too, you know.

Especially when students aren't students... anymore.

I'm starting to remember why I never missed your class.

Oh my God. I am sorry. I don't know what got into me.

That was... totally inappropriate.

No. I liked it.

In fact, it might actually answer some of my questions.

This hangover is why I didn't party in high school.

You didn't party in high school because nobody asked you to party in high school.

Shut up, Sam.

And we still have to figure out how to get that trophy case back before anybody finds out.

Yeah, that wasn't the best idea. Why did we do that?

Because you said it was the best idea.

And we both know it wasn't Danny's fault that our stuff got shoved to the back.

Yeah, but he could've said something.

Oh, hey. I need to talk to both of you about my trophy case.

We were at home.

We were at the movies.

We were at home and then we went to the movies.

No. I just don't think it's fair that mine was put up front.

So I talked to Coach DiNardo and I threatened to take back all of my stuff, so he finally agreed to switch mine with one of yours.

(sighs)

Seriously?

Oh, that is so sweet.

Damn it, Danny. Why do you have to be so nice?

How am I supposed to stay mad at you now?

Just decide whose case you want moved, and I'll get it taken care of.

(sighs) You know what?

You should take the front case.

You deserve it.

Aw, Riley. That is so nice.

Okay.

No. This is the part where you say, "You should have the front case because you deserve it."

You just said I should take it.

Yeah, but I didn't think you'd accept.

So you didn't mean it?

No. Of course I didn't mean it.

Cheerleading is not even a real sport.

I will have you know I was in amazing physical shape.

Oh, oh. I'm sorry. And people were talking about you behind your back?

Have you been chased by a 200-pound goalie?

Or wear a little cage around your eyes? That's a sport!

(door closes)

Ah, friends till the end.

Luckily, that was the end.

Okay. My brain is at full capacity, so as long as I don't learn anything new in the next 30 seconds, I'm gonna ace this.

I hear you.

I don't think I ever studied this hard.

All right, slight change of plans.

I have good reason to believe that someone stole the test answer key.

I just want to say that I...

I imagine it happened while I was being distracted.

I knew you were devious, Ben, but I never expected you to use me to cheat on a test.

What? I didn't cheat.

And you're the one who kissed me.

You kissed a teacher?

Have you no shame?

If you're telling the truth, then your performance will vindicate you.

I was kind of hoping that it already had.

By the way, it's a completely new test.

Um... Ms. Gilcrest?

That's not really fair.

'Cause, uh, I didn't cheat, so I should probably get the old one.

Okay. It's the same questions, just a different order.

Great.

And what is that order?

Ms. Gilcrest, um... (clears throat)

The principal asked to speak with you.

Now?

Yeah.

Okay.

Mr. Dobbs, would you keep an eye on these two for me?

If I could tear my eyes off you.

No? Okay. All right.

Come on.

It's got to be here.

What are you guys doing? That's against the rules.

Who have I become?

Gilcrest: For the last time, Coach DiNardo, keep your hands to yourself!

The principal isn't even here today.

I don't know who told you...

And if a certain someone is looking for the answers, they're locked away safely in my office.

Oh. I will be collecting cell phones and locking all doors.

Hi.

But if Joey's Pizza Shack calls, will you tell them that we're in room One-B?

I have low blood sugar.

Okay. We agree, whatever Coach DiNardo decides, we'll be cool with.

Coach! Hey, thank you so much for moving one of our cases up front.

It should be mine. I'm so glad you agree.

No. If anyone's going to be switching cases with Danny, it's going to be me.

A four-time champion, not two. Four!

Yeah. I don't know what you two girls are talking about.

No one's moving anything anywhere.

But I'd be willing to go to my office and discuss it.

No? Okay, well...

It's down the hall on the right if you change your mind.

I'm really confused.

Danny lied to us.

He was trying to turn us against each other and it worked.

He can't get away with this.

No, no. He's not.

Tucker! What are you doing here?

Stealing test answers for Mrs. Wheeler. What are you doing here?

Stealing Danny's hockey stick.

Carry on.

(whispering) Ben!

What'd you put down for number 12?

(whispering) I'm not going to tell you.

I actually studied.

Well, I actually pushed you out of my uterus.

Give me the answer.

Oh, wait. Uterus. Got this.

Shh!

Psst! Psst! Psst!

(clears throat loudly)

Ben, stop making noise. You're distracting your mother.

How do you know how to work this stuff?

When you're not popular or hot, you take wood shop as an elective.

Stop!

Ben.

What are you doing here? How did you know where we were?

It was pretty easy.

I just followed the cab with the giant trophy case sticking out of it.

We know that you lied to us and tried to pit us against each other.

Okay. Yeah. I was terrified of the thought of you two teaming up against me, which is exactly what you did.

That doesn't sound like much of an apology.

No! No!

Now that sounds like an apology.

Oh my God! Why would you do that?

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pitted the two of you against each other, but I'm not the guy who decided to put your trophy cases in back of the Hall of Toilets.

Yeah, well, you certainly didn't do anything about it.

Actually, I did.

I just talked to DiNardo, and he agreed to put your cases up in the front.

For real this time.

Oh.

Hey, Sam. Can you find some glue?

You have about 30 seconds left.

Not if you don't need them. All done.

I took this fair and square.

You can think of me what you want, but I know I did the right thing.

Done! All done.

And I, too, took it fair and square.

I certainly didn't cheat.

(roof clattering)

(Tucker screams)

(Tucker coughs)

Want to grade that now. I'll wait.

Hey, I don't know what apples mean to you people, but rumor has it, you're crazy about 'em.

Any chance you finished grading my test?

I did... and I'm sorry.

What?

I can't believe it. I actually studied this time.

No. I mean, I'm sorry for not believing you.

You couldn't have cheated.

I mean, no one cheats and gets a 69.

Wait. So, I passed the test?

Yes! I finally graduated high school.

And, uh, hey, if you ever need a tutor.

Wait. Why would I need a tutor. I just passed the...

Ms. Gilcrest.

Are you flirting with me, again?