04x03 - Young & Fried

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe it's been a month since I left Josh and that sick relationship.

I mean, I got sucked into such a deep hole, I lost sight of myself and my dreams, but, boy, heh, have things turned around for me.

Gabi Diamond is back... (clink) and better than ever.

Man: Gabi! Hairnet!

Oh, sorry! My bad!

You know, one month ago, I was a mess.

I was depressed. I was in a screwed up relationship with my chef.

I hit rock bottom, my friend.

But Kaminski's back, baby... and better than ever.

Okay... ah, we have two breakfast burritos, two hash browns, two chips, two sides of guac, and one fork.

See you at lunch.

(theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turn my head ♪
♪ She run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪

Yolanda, what kind of birthday cake do you want for your party again?

It's really hard to keep track of all the cakes you eat.

It's the Peanut Butter Dream from Jan's Cake House.

I mean, you should know it.

It's right next to that store that sells dress clothes for toddlers.

Okay, here's the address.

And just so I know you went, bring me back a cupcake.

(sighs) Now, I have a problem.

In addition to drinking, gambling, and overeating?

I have to send out the e-vites, and I don't know what is going on with Josh and Gabi.

Now, I thought they'd be talking by now, but they're not.

Isn't it great?

No! Obviously I have to invite Josh.

I mean, he's my boss and he's hostin' and payin'.

But I don't know what to do about Gabi.

If you don't invite her, she'll be really hurt.

Yeah.

Can I tell her?

I want all the people I love to be there.

Even my daughter's trying to get leave from the m*llitary.

I mean, how many times am I going to turn 50?

Once, and that was ten years ago.

What are you guys talking about?

Yolanda was gonna send out the e-vites for her 50th, and because you and Gabi aren't talking, she's not gonna invite her.

Yay!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Of course you're inviting her, Yolanda.

It's your big day.

So, you don't have a problem seeing her?

And her seeing you?

Oh, yeah, I get it.

Might be a little uncomfortable for her to see how great I'm doing without her.

But don't worry, not gonna rub it in.

I'll be the bigger person.

Yes, you are.

I'm gonna go send those invites out right now!

Well, I really admire your confidence.

Are you sure you're gonna be able to handle this?

Handle what?

Gabi seeing this!

What are you doing?

You're fat, Josh. You're fat.

I'm not gonna glaze over it, even though I know you love anything glazed, 'cause you're fat!

Need I remind you that when we were in Hawaii, you said I had a body built for Speedos?

Well, now it's built from Fritos.

I have not gained any weight since then.

Good. Well, I just picked up the suit you wore to the Dingo Awards.

Why don't you try it on?

Okay, I will, and it's gonna fit beautifully.

I'm gonna show you, I have not gained any weight.

Show me.

Oh, my God, I'm fat!

Elliot, I cannot let Gabi see me like this.

Yolanda! Don't send out the... (phone chimes) invites.

Hi!

Hey! Sofia, great news!

I got bumped up from prep cook to fry cook.

Ooh! That's amazing.

Mm-hmm.

What's the difference?

Seventy cents an hour. No more minimum wage for this girl.

Life is going pretty great for Gabi.

Well, I am very happy you're happy because we just got an invitation to Yolanda's 50th birthday... at Josh's.

What? I can't see Josh! I'm a freakin' fry cook!

(phone rings)

Oh, my God, it's him. He's calling. What do I say?

What if he asks what I'm doing?

Don't answer it.

Fine! I'll answer it!

Hello.

Hey!

Gabi, it's Josh, your former boss.

And other stuff.

Oh. Hi, Josh. It's, uh, me, Gabi, which... you know 'cause you called me.

So did you get the invite to Yolanda's birthday?

I did.

So... are you coming? Not coming?

Look, I... If not, I totally get it. I mean... might be a little embarrassing.

Embarrassing? Why would I be embarrassed?

Well, you know... coming back to the place where you used to work... when you're not working.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who told you I'm not working? I'm working.

I have a great job and I love it.

Oh. Really?

Doin' what?

Wh... (gasps)

Giada!

Giada De Laurentiis!

Is who I'm working for.

The delicious Italian food maker?

Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. That's the one.

Best-selling cookbooks, Emmys, her own product line.

She may even be richer than you.

(chuckles) You don't... I doubt it. (chuckles)

So wait, where, um, where did we leave things?

Are you... you comin'? You're not coming?

You're too uncomfortable to come?

Why would I be uncomfortable? I'm working for Giada.

Sounds like you're the one who may have a problem with me coming.

Problem? What? I don't have a problem!

Whole reason for me to... call you is to get you to come.

Great. I'm coming.

Great. Good. See you there.

Son-of-a-bitch, she's coming.

Hey! Hey!

Where's Giada? Where's Giada?

Where's Giada?

Oh, my God, Gabi, I asked her to say "Spi-geh-tee," and she said, "Spi-geh-tee."

Where is she?

She just came to get a coffee and left.

Why are you freaking out... Oh.

Let me guess.

You told Josh that you were working with Giada because you were embarrassed, and now you need her to give you a job?

No.

Yes.

Gabi? Hey, I just got your text. What's the emergency?

Ta-dah! Check it out.

Thick slices of ham covered in melted provolone cheese topped with a vinaigrette slaw and a saffron aioli dipped in egg batter and deep fried.

Meet The Giada.

(vocalizes)

Oh, my God, Gabi. This is amazing.

Mm-hmm. Thanks!

So I found out Giada is sh**ting a special here in town, so all I gotta do is find her, give her The Giada, and get her to hire me, and then by the time I see Josh, the only thing I'll be full of is "spi-geh-tee."

You know what, Gabi?

As crazy as that plan sounds, if Giada tastes this sandwich... she will definitely give you a job.

Right?

I mean, how lucky am I that I was talking to Josh right when Giada walked in?

Can you imagine if he found out that I was a fry cook?

(sighs)

I guess sometimes you're just in the right place at the right time.

Oh, my God, Gabi's working at a diner.

(laughs)

You are not gonna believe what happened...

You found Giada and gave her The Giada.

Can I tell the story?

So I found out where Giada was sh**ting her special, right?

And so, I followed the crew back to the hotel, and when we were in the elevator, I said, "How cool is it that we're all staying on the same floor as Giada?" and they said, "No, we're on the fourth floor. Giada's on the top floor in a suite," and I said, "Well, I guess she likes me better."

(laughs)

So, I went up to the top floor and I knocked on the presidential suite, and she answered.

She answered her own door, Sofia.

So, I told her that I made her something so good that when she tastes it, she's gonna have to hire me, and she said, "How did you get my room number?" and I said, "Eat my sandwich, Giada!"

And that's when security came and escorted me off the property.

Somehow I think there's more.

So, I went downstairs and I found Giada's driver, and I gave him the sandwich to give to her, and he started eating it, so I yelled at him, and that's when Giada came down and she gave me this.

Her autograph?

Yes, on the bottom of this restraining order.

Okay.

So, um, just to be clear, you're not working for Giada?

Correct.

Ugh.

And I can't go to Yolanda's birthday party. I can't face Josh.

Hey, girls.

Hey, Yolanda.

(sighs)

I just found out my daughter's not gonna make my party.

I mean, it's hard enough turning the big five-oh, but now none of my kids are gonna be there.

Yeah. Listen, Yolanda, I'm really sorry, but I don't think...

Oh well.

The only thing that's gonna make it better is... you're gonna be there.

I always thought of you girls as my daughters. (chuckles)

Of course, my real daughter is overseas fighting for your freedom.

So, that makes her a little better.

(laughs)

Oh, but I love you two! Oh!

I'm so glad you both gonna be there.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

A fry cook at a diner?

Wow. I can't believe she lied to me just to make it seem like she was doing so great without me.

How pathetic.

Now pull!

(exhales)

You know, I can't believe I spent all that time working out when all I needed was this man corset.

Ready for the final pull?

Yeah.

Pull it really tight. I want to make sure I look gooood!

(breathing heavily)

So, do I look good?

Like, really good?

I mean, it's been, like, a month since I've seen Josh.

You look amazing.

But, uh, what... what is that smell?

(whispers) Oh. It's garlic. I put a little behind my ears to sell that I'm working for Giada.

Gabi, I know you really want to impress Josh, but just be careful not to get too carried away with this lie because sometimes they have a way of unraveling.

Don't worry, I have a whole plan.

After I'm done rubbing my happiness in Josh's face, I'm gonna flip my hair like this... and that'll be your signal to call me so I can pretend it's Giada needing me for something really important, and then I can exit gracefully... (elevator dings) ...like a winner in life.

Josh, I can't thank you enough for hosting this party for me.

This is the best birthday ever.

Anything for you, Yolanda.

You know there's nothing more (door opens) important than...

Gabi!

She's here.

Oh, I can't wait to see the look on her face when I bust her.

(squeals) Oh, hey, girls!

Welcome to my par-tay.

Gabi: Aww.

Both: Happy birthday, Yolanda!

Oh, my God, mini lasagnas? Is it my birthday?

I'm so glad you made it, Gabi.

Yeah, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

You know, there's nothing more important to me than...

Josh.

Hi.

Hi.

(chuckles nervously)

Well, give me a hug. Okay.

All right.

(groans)

Wow.

Hard bod.

Yeah, you know, just lots of hard work, diet, and exercise. Nothing else.

Enough about me.

Tell me about this amazing job with Giada.

I can't really talk about it.

We have a lot of secret projects in the works.

We're writing a book together. Can't say any more!

We're opening a restaurant together. Possibly a chain.

Oh, did that just slip out? Zip! (laughs)

Wow. That sounds unreal.

What's the concept of this new restaurant?

Um, you know, Giada and I haven't really worked out all the details yet.

Mm. Where's it located?

Wait, you're not gonna have to move, are you?

These are all very good questions, and I have answers to all of these very good... questions.

(phone rings)

Oh, no. Ooh, someone's calling.

Oh, dear, this looks very important. I'm gonna have to take this.

Hi, Giada. What's, uh, shakin' with you, G?

Sorry, Josh. It's Giada, so I really gotta... talk to her.

Wouldn't it be easier to just... talk to her in person?

Gabi, Giada's here.

Oh, my God.

Wow, this is all... such a surprise.

(Gabi chuckles)

Isn't it, Gabi?

Um, Giada... listen...

No, no, no. Back away.

The restraining order says, you can't be within 100 feet of me.

Oh! Giada, you're just so funny.

Come here, you!

Stop, stop.

I have pepper spray and I'm not afraid to use it.

(sighs)

Listen, I'm sorry. She's a nut-job.

Send the check directly to my charity.

Wait, you promised!

Fine. Spi-geh-tee.

(gasps) Yay!

Gotcha.

What?

Oh, Gabi, Gabi, Gabi.

You tried so hard to make it look like you were doing so great without me when I know you work at a diner. Yeah.

Elliott saw you when he was going to get Yolanda's cake.

Sorry.

Okay, but I only...

Wait a minute. You knew?

So, this whole thing was just a setup to humiliate me?

No, no, no, no, no. You're not turning this around on me.

Oh, it's turning all by itself.

I may have lied, but it was only a desperate attempt to make myself not look pathetic in front of you.

But you knew I was pathetic, and so you did a mean thing to make me look pathetic-er!

(clinking)

Attention, y'all!

Why don't we all shut our mouth and go out on the terrace and have some cake and open some gifts?

(chuckles) Do somethin'.

Guys, Yolanda's really upset. Just keep it down.

Yeah, keep it down, Josh.

You keep it down.

You keep it down. You!

You keep it down.

Ooh! This is from my daughter Vanessa... who sadly couldn't be here tonight.

(gasps) My goodness, this is beautiful!

You know what? I may not be working my dream job, but at least I'm working.

And my life is better without you.

Oh, please. Your whole life is a lie.

(corset unraveling)

Uh-oh.

(snap)

No, no, no, no, no! No!

What the hell?

Right?

He's gigantic!

Who's the big, bad liar now?

Hm. You are so lucky that necklace landed in that ficus tree down there.

Yeah, well, he's the lucky one. It was his fatness that caused all of this.

All right, I'm gonna run downstairs and see if the Walshs are home.

Get real, Josh. You haven't run anywhere in weeks.

(clang)

What the hell is that?

An emergency rope ladder.

Someone's goin' down this damn thing and getting my necklace.

"Maximum weight limit: 200 pounds."

You're out.

You're out.

Okay, fine.

Sofia will do it.

What? No! No way! I'm the only one who didn't do anything wrong!

All right, fine.

I'm a fry cook at a diner. What do I have to live for?

(gasps) Oh...

Gabi, wait.

This might be dangerous.

Let me find my camera.

(whimpers)

(breathing heavily)

No one answered the door.

Gabi, what are you doing? Get back up here.

No. I'm getting Yolanda's necklace.

Well, then I'm helping you.

No, you're not.

Elliot, I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro.

Now you are Mount Kilimanjaro!

Okay, I'm really close! I just can't get there!

Same thing happened to me with my date last night!

Just trying to lighten the mood.

There! Use these!

(grunts)

(grunts) Okay, I got it! Aah!

Oh, thank God.

Now get back up here.

Stop yelling at me!

If you hadn't eaten all your feelings, you would be the one on the ladder trying to save Yolanda's birthday.

Huh! Well, if you wouldn't have lied, no one would be on the ladder in the first place.

This is not my fault!

This is your fault!

(screams)

Okay, that last part was kind of my fault!

Oh, Yolanda, I'm really sorry we didn't find your necklace.

But look on the bright side, now we both hate Gabi.

Well, we could've kept looking if Josh didn't have to come back because his thighs were chaffing.

No. I stopped looking 'cause I couldn't take your whining about the outfit you have to return since you don't actually work for Giada.

Well, at least all my new clothes are the same size as my old ones.

Really? You want to go there?

Yeah! Oh, you think I'm not afraid to go there? I'll go there!

Go there! Just call me fat!

I'll go there.

Josh: Oh, my God!

Stop!

You didn't hire Giada to cook for my party because she was my favorite chef.

You did it because you wanted to catch Gabi in a lie.

And wipe the smirk off your face!

You didn't care about my party either!

You just wanted Josh to think you were doing great without him!

(whimpers)

You know, I almost didn't have this party because I was so worried about your feelings.

Well, obviously neither one of you cared about mine!

You're so damn selfish!

Yeah! That's my thing!

This your idea of cheering me up?

Taking me to a crappy diner on the wrong side of town?

You live around the block.

Exactly.

Both: Surprise!

Wait! Is this an intervention?

This just fell in my purse!

No. Yolanda.

We just wanted to say we're sorry.

Yeah, everything you said about us at the apartment was true.

We are selfish.

And we wanted to do something very special to make it up to you.

Well, I don't know how you're gonna do that.

That necklace was one of a kind.

That's why we got you something a little better.

Hi, Mama.

Vanessa!

Hi, Mom.

Oh, my God, she's really here!

(both chuckle)

Thank you!

Happy 54th birthday, Mom!

Shh!

I think she might forgive us.

Yeah, I think so.

You know, I don't mean to pat myself on the back, but it was a pretty good idea bringing Vanessa home.

You're right, Gabi. I'm the one with the connections, the money, and the private jet, but great idea.

We did it together.

Yeah.

It kind of felt like we were friends again.

It kind of did.

And friends don't let friends wear hairnets.

What do you say you come back and work for me?

Josh, I would love that...

Great!

But I can't.

'Cause you're... still attracted to me?

See, that's funny, but it kind of makes me want to punch you in the face, which is the reason I can't come back yet.

It's too soon.

Right. I totally get it.

(clicks tongue)

How about now?

(chuckles)

Okay, so about this whole us being friends again thing...

Can we be friends with Benedicts?

I'm sorry, I just... I really miss your cooking.

Well, I am here 8:00-6:00.

Good to know.

You get here at 8:00?

All right, one double cheeseburger, chicken tenders and fries, and a diet root beer.

Baby steps.

(bell dings)

Man: Another Giada sandwich ready for pick up!

Hi! Excuse me.

Hi, I'm Giada, and I hear you created a sandwich named after me, and all my Twitter followers say I have to try it.

(gasps) Oh, my God. Giada.

I have your sandwich.

Not again!

Listen, I warned you the last time!

(screams)