01x06 - Lillian's Birthday

[bunniefuu]

[jaunty string music]

Today is my birthday.

[screaming]

I love September 11th.

Thank you.

Oh, Chair, this must be so exciting for you.

It's your first Lillian's birthday.

Why aren't these diamonds inside the piñata?

You're asleep at the switch of danger.

Now hurry, before--

[coughing]

[hacking]

[groans]

[coughing continues]

Here we go.

[laughs]

I said I wanted a gold pony, and the one you gave me is only painted gold.

Yes, dear, we tried to dip the pony in molten gold, but it put up such a terrible fight.

I cannot believe this is how I'm being treated by my own family on my... birthday!

Ugh!

[screams]

[crying] You're ruining my life!

Peepers: Ever since Lillian first began her womanly bleeding, her birthday has been a menagerie of horrors.

I said a gold pony!

Gah!

[screams]

[g*nsh*t]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Hello, Wiener.

Daddy's home.

[hip-hop music]

[cork pops]

[laughter]

Victor: When I saw that pile of human excrement Charles Ponzi, I retired to the sanctity of my bedroom.

How dare she bring another man into this house?

I refuse to be scandalized.

Tabu, dispense the gifts while I give a rousing amends speech.

Ponzi: This little fellow's Tabu.

Won him in a game of Kariki.

One of the cuter brownies, if I do say so myself.

I love this.

I'm going to name it Frederick.

Ponzi left my sister at the altar when she was 12.

He's a selfish jerk, and that's the total opposite of Lillian.

My darling Lillian.

There was no excuse for me leaving you at the altar, nor for me banging that hermaphrodite in my dressing chambers.

I was-- I was a mess.

Don't think I knew about that last part.

Don't worry, you're much prettier.

Whoa-ho-ho!

I am so sorry, everyone.

Tabu...

Who told you it was okay for air to pass through your lips and vocal cords?

Nobody.

Nobody, no.

Now go get the servant gift.

Go!

It's a Puffing Billy, for your servants.

New technology, sucks the dust right up.

Tick-tock, the time has come.

Open your gift, my fat, little Wiener.

It's the jewel of the seven snakes.

They say every time you touch it, a village somewhere in the world is afflicted with a flesh-eating disease.

Lillian: Oh, how charming!

Oh, Charles, I've always wanted a cursed jewel, ever since I saw that blood-soaked opal in...

both: Morocco.

What a summer that was.

I was 11, the height of a woman's sexual peak.

Never before had I seen so much art or had so much humping.

To this day, I still can't look at an African without tasting Ponzi's semen.

Dodo: Peepers, more champagne.

Yes.

[all shouting]

Excuse me.

Oh, the shame.

Dodo: Where are you going?

Your break isn't until March.

I remember when we had to put our butler down.

[groaning]

Miss Hortense, I don't mean to be meddlesome, but your menstruation cup is empty.

Oh?

Either you've hit menopause early or you're up the duff.

[laughs] That's not possible.

I'm barren.

How do you know you're barren?

My sisters have yelled it at me since I was eight.

I've had my fingers in a lot of women, and I know a pregnant vag*na when I feel it.

No!

Oh, this is awful.

I mean, I was the barren one.

It's what made me special.

It's my thing!

Don't you see?

This is a blessing.

You can say good-bye to your friends, your dream to be a writer, and simply stay home and wipe dirt off your baby's butt.

I must go.

The grouse liver won't deworm itself.

Wait.

There must be something I can do.

There is an old folk remedy called "throw yourself down the stairs," but it gets a bit messy.

Lucky for you, I know someone who helps girls in this situation.

Really?

[clattering]

Peepers!

Sweet Peepers!

Somebody call the doctor!

No, no doctors!

Garfield, go into my room.

Look under my bed...

Yes.

And find my iron lung.

Yes.

Go.

Ow.

Go.

Yes!

Peepers: Get the sherry glasses ready.

Rearrange the tinctures.

Refill the night biscuits.

Wait, stop.

My God.

I've never seen the house from this angle.

We need to begin a whole new dusting regimen.

Oh, there you are.

I've been very concerned.

Thank you, madam. I'm feeling much better.

Dodo: About dessert.

You remember the last time Lillian's birthday cake was wrong.

Frederick Douglass d*ed.

Yes.

Yes, madam.

[hip-hop music]

What are you doing here?

You know I'm a married woman.

I don't give a crap about some ring that some chump bought you.

I had an epiphany the other day.

It was a vision of the future.

I was standing on a giant mountain of money, and you were by my side.

And beautiful rays of godly light were sh**ting out of all your holes.

All my holes?

All your holes.

I own 12 houses in 12 countries.

The only thing I don't own is the woman I love.

[gasps] Romance powder!

[sniffing]

[exhales]

Oh, Charles.

You always knew how to get my defenses down.

[sniffing]

I'm the only man who will ever truly love you.

And I'm definitely the only man... who knows how to do this to you.

[gasping, moaning]

I feel like I'm 11 again!

No, you don't.

Peepers: I want those vegetables julienned for the crudités.

Where is that aspic?

Is it chilled? Is it chilled?

[spits] Too much salt!

Or is it sugar?

I can't tell anymore.

Everything tastes like burnt toast points.

Garfield: Oh, you must stop working, I beg of you.

Boy, I've been in charge of Lillian's birthday since before she was born.

Peepers... no, you can't leave us.

Peepers, no, please.

Blanche, Blanche?

Yes.

Where are you, Blanche?

Yes, I'm here.

Blanche, I can't see you.

I'm right here.

Blanche, come closer.

I'm right here.

Blanche, I asked for you to come closer, damn it. I can't see you.

Just talk to me.

Blanche.

I need you to chiffon the great turtle.

What?

[gasps]

[speaking Iroquois]

Father, I'm coming to see you.

[gasps]

Peepers?

Peepers.

Garfield: Peepers!

To hell with all this!

Blanche, go call Dr. Goldberg!

Yes.

Everyone, this cake has too much sugar!

And fix this... pie! Let's go!

What are you lollygagging around for?

Make some balloon animals!

It's Lillian's birthday!

Hey, pretty lady.

Why'd you leave the party?

I don't talk to my own children.

Why would I talk to you?

You don't like my master very much, do you?

I have something that can take your mind off it.

Delicacy from my homeland.

Ew, I don't eat green food.

Not food. Drug.

Oh, so I just chew it?

Mm-hmm.

You are very pretty when you chew khat.

Oh, thank you.

Have you ever heard of Reiki?

Uh-uh.

That's when I touch you all over without touching you at all.

May I?

Mm-hmm.

[mystical sitar music]

♪ ♪

Oh, I'm seeing someone, sorry.

Oh!

What?

I didn't realize.

Am I interrupting?

No, no.

How can-- how can I help?

There is an emergency downstairs.

Okay, yes.

Let's go downstairs.

I don't know how to tell you this.

It may be time for Peepers to go to that great servant's quarters in the sky.

He won't see sunrise.

We can't give up, we just can't!

We've come to the limits of what Western medicine can do.

The only thing that can save him at this point is love.

Sit.

That's a good boy.

Now up, up, up, up.

Now beg.

Beg.

I would really like that morsel.

It would temporarily end this bout of starvation.

Please, I beg of you.

Good boy!

[laughter and applause]

Oh, you've trained him.

Ooh, what is wrong with this cake?

This is triple berry cake.

Lillian always has quadruple berry cake on her birthday.

[gagging]

[muffled] Oh, my God, Lillian! That's so gross!

[gagging, hacking]

Lillian! [gagging]

Oh, Lillian, this must be a nightmare for you.

Oh, relax, everyone, would you?

It's just a birthday cake.

What are we, children?

Dodo: I'd recognize that breezy tune anywhere.

Seems as though someone just got fingered.

[laughs]

What is it, Garfield?

Yes.

I was wondering if maybe... we would go downstairs and say something nice to Peepers.

He needs love.

What in the hell of all shits are you blathering on about?

Beatrice: The servants' quarters on Lillian's birthday?

I don't think so.

You are this close to losing your ball-washing privileges.

I--

Shoo!

Yes.

What a great family.

You know what?

I wasn't gonna mention this, but I have a very lucrative, no-fail investment opportunity that I think you all might be interested in.

[upbeat folk music]

So... what can be done?

You mean about the bush or the baby?

[laughs] I'm just ribbing you.

Well, it depends what package you want-- the silver, the platinum, or the platinum plus.

What's the difference?

Ah, they're really about the same, except with the platinum plus I knock you out with a bag of flour and wake you up with a hug.

Either way, we're going to be using this.

Oh, uh...

I can't do this.

Thank you all the same.

The deposit's nonrefundable!

And then those people get six people to invest, on top of the other people who got six people to invest.

And you see, it works on itself, and it's flawless.

And I want you all in on the ground floor.

Well, I think it sounds brilliant.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Let's give him the entire family fortune.

Beatrice: No, it's impossible.

If six people get six more to invest, and those six get six more, by the 12th level in the down line, in this case expressed as 6 to the 12th power, it would require more than 2 billion participants to sustain itself.

It's like one of those pointy circles.

Like, what are those called?

The circles with the points, where the mummies live?

What is that called?

Mummies are dead, dummy!

They don't live anywhere.

And I won't sit here and have my integrity impugned by a woman, especially a woman who doesn't understand the nuances of a pyramid scheme!

And I invented it, and I'm pretty sure it works!

Tabu and I are out of here!

Come on! [claps twice]

Actually, we don't have anywhere to stay tonight, and it's a very large manor.

Dodo: Mr. Ponzi, you may take the mauve room, and Tabu may take the manure stack.

Oh, it's so obvious what you're doing!

You just can't stand to see me less unhappy.

He's a liar, Lillian, and you're an idiot for believing him.

Oh, I'm an idiot?

You argue with your reflection.

She's mean sometimes!

Well, your eyes are so spaced apart, you look like a hippo in a dress.

You're only pretty in Massachusetts!

[gasps]

That's the worst thing you could ever say to a woman.

And I'm rising above it.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

Thank goodness that's over with.

You have terrible taste in men.

[jaunty ragtime music plays]

♪ my instincts, they kick in ♪
♪ my grand facade, soon wilting ♪
♪ without my pride, I begin ♪
♪ to reach out to ya from within me ♪
♪ baby, in your eyes ♪
♪ I see the moon in your eyes ♪
♪ darling, in your eyes I want to swoon ♪
♪ in your eyes ♪

Oh, you've got to be joshing!

♪ that nobody else can b*at ♪

[music slows to stop]

[music continues] ♪ in your eyes, in your eyes ♪

Ah!

Our song!

You remembered.

Run away with me, right now.

I'll make you a princess.

I'll have Tabu sacrificing yaks in your name.

What about my loveless marriage and eight non-sons?

They call them daughters now, Wiener.

It's a whole new world.

We've got to leave all that behind.

But how can I trust you?

I can't get hurt again.

It takes two people to leave someone.

You're right. I'm sorry you left me.

I might be able to forgive you one day, if you pledge your love, vag*na, oh, and one more thing, a firm guarantee that your family will invest.

To the love, yes, and to the vag*na, yes.

But to the investing, you might have to speak with Papa.

I don't want to make Papa a princess.

I can't do this.

It was a mistake to come here in the first place.

Good-bye, Lillian.

Well, there's always Daddy's w*r bonds.

He keeps them upstairs in his bottom right-hand desk drawer.

But it's not much, only a million dollars.

That's my Wiener.

My beautiful, beautiful Wiener!

g*dd*mn, I love my gorgeous Wiener!

I'll grab Tabu and the bonds.

You go get your things.

Meet me back here in 20 minutes.

Let's make it 30, to be safe.

Garfield, high-pitched: Hello, Peepers.

It's Dodo... and the whole Bellacourt family.

Peepers, you are the best butler we ever had.

Garfield: We love you.

I love you.

[smooches]

[gasps]

Oh, Peepers.

You're home.

Peepers: Dodo...

Oh... oh...

Oh, my special boy is awake.

Dodo, Dodo...

Dodo...

Dodo...

Dodo.

Blanche?

Garfield: Blanche!

[knock at door]

Garfield, set the lubrication by the furnace.

No, it's me, Lillian.

What do you want? I'm busy.

Well, I wanted to say I'm not sorry, and I'm running away with Ponzi.

No, Lillian, don't do it.

I know he's handsome, and he's thoughtful, and he could surely make you happier than you are here, but...

I can't think of a "but."

You should go.

Great. I'm happy for you.

Go!

I will!

[whimsical music]

♪

He's not coming back.

Oh, he's coming back.

No, he's not.

Yes, he is.

Tabu: No, he's not.

He's not coming back.

Tabu: You are probably asking yourself, why did I do this?

You see, Ponzi was my tormentor.

But then I saw what a good human was when I looked into your giant, vacant eyes, when I felt the magnetic field around your perfect breast.

I am ready to give my life to you.

Whatever you may need, whether it be a cold glass of limeade or the taking of a man's life, I am yours, forever.

And you too, Wiener.

No, thank you.

Thank you, though.

[door shuts]

[gentle music]

♪

[machine whirring]

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

Lady Dodo, I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you.

For what?

Oh, you know... for helping me.

I haven't got the faintest idea what you're talking about.

Ha, yes, of course.

Must keep up appearances.

Is this some form of palsy?

[chuckles]

You're two seconds from being fired.

Of course, Lady Dodo.

Garfield!

Are you on a vacation?

Are we under a coconut fire?

No, no, I was just--

You're just a vile, useless walking fern.

Now, get to work before I return you to the orphanage I selected you from 20 years ago.

Yes.

[gentle music]

♪

[machine whirring, gurgling]

[screams]

[machine gurgling]