01x02 - Episode Two

[bunniefuu]

It was a disappointing result, but the England lads were tactically naive, and the longer it went on, you could see they just weren't fit enough.

Can we stop talking about the hooliganism?

OK, so today's big theme, obviously, we need to focus on how desperate Cameron is becoming, the fact the markets are blackmailing us and...

How our cabbages are being att*cked by European moths.

Front page of the Sun - big story.

And this is NORFOLK.

Excellent news.

Our Labour colleagues have left the trenches to go over the top and take casualties for Remain.

Proven election winners like Brown and Miliband.

Election winners?

Well, for us.

Narcissistic, smug-git man-child.

Tr*mp? Boris?

Ronaldo. That was a dead cert bet.

Portugal to b*at Iceland?

Iceland have only got the population of seven.

They've probably got the walrus in the squad to make up the 23.

Perhaps you shouldn't gamble, given your tendencies. I'll make it back.

I put bet on Brexit when it was 4-1.

Remain could still have a late surge.

Nah, your Remainers are all, "Oh, yeah, let's stay in Europe. But I'm too busy to vote cos I've got this box set of Mad Men to watch."

Where is your Brexiters are NUTTERS. Actually...

If they lost a foot in a lawn mowing accident, they would hop to the polling station.

Come referendum day, the tanning parlours and dogging lay-bys of Britain will be completely empty.

So, fantastic news, everyone.

The Prime Minister has made a little Velux window in the previously windowless attic of his schedule to pay us all a morale-boosting visit.

Dave's dropping by. "Dave"?

I see quite a bit of him, cos he's always chilling in Daddy's yard. Right...

Um, just a reminder, Ruby.

This unit's a sort of special ops Tory peacekeeping force, so we don't really... officially exist. No, got ya.

So don't post loads of stuff about us on Instagram and Facebook.

Again.

Yeah, and when the Prime Minister's here...

Don't mention Osborne's "punishment budget" cock-up, stay off tax avoidance, don't mention the British Virgin Islands.

Or the British Islands as they're called after Boris paid a visit...

No, with respect, the president feels you in the Western media have got this completely wrong.

Look, anyone who's ever been to the south of France in June will tell you it can get surprisingly nippy in the evenings.

That's why our fans were wearing their balaclavas.

The flare?

No, that was not a signal for v*olence. That was festive.

In Russia, we use them like party poppers.

Yes. Glad to clear that up.

In English, Alexi.

That way, your English improves, and our conversations remain private. Sorry.

There is in here an article that is saying the president is a...dangerous psychopath.

Should we show him this?

Yes, he quite likes those.

Is there anything else of interest?

It looks like Leave might win the UK referendum.

The next Prime Minister could be...

Boris Johnson?

Bo...?

Why is that funny?

I... I will explain later.

Ah, time to walk the President's dog.

Don't show any fear. That can trigger a reflex of aggression.

It's OK. The dog likes me.

I wasn't talking about the dog.

Does this thing clash?

Bea, this e-mail I got, saying, "Orlando could play well for us, Donald predicted it..."?

Oh, yeah, you weren't supposed to be cc'd on that.

But Mr Tr*mp's tweet, it was kind of gloat-y.

That's another turn off for woman voters.

Well, maybe an !sis guy will m*ssacre a book club.

Rewind. I didn't say that.

Has anyone said to Mr Tr*mp there may be some national tragedies where it might be better if he just said nothing?

OK, let's just stay in the real world, honey.

I actually thought it was a real presidential tweet.

You know, he specifically said, "I don't want congrats."

And still they criticise him.

The man can't win.

Even when he's being modest.

Oh, Bea, is there any chance I could get some one-to-one face time with Mr Tr*mp?

Donald's having a "no face time day" so he can reenergise.

Well, he looked pretty bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning.

I saw him bouncing up those steps.

We know.

He saw you and said, "Go, fella."

Well, no, actually. He didn't.

He hasn't said that for a while.

I-I have some research to show you.

Oh, well, that's good.

Donald is always open to research, provided there aren't too many facts.

Tony got together a cross-section of American women and...

He didn't ask them about calling that female senator Pocahontas, did he?

Here we go.

OK, so starting with you, Tracy, I'd like you to give me the one word that comes to your head when you think of Donald Tr*mp.

Pig. OK.

Anything else? Big pig. OK.

Let's go around the room.

One word for Mr Tr*mp.

assh*le. Douchebag.

Moron! Moronic pig.

Porker. Big porker. Slimeball.

ret*rd. Imbecile. Jerk-off.

Should I skip to the end?

There's eight minutes of this.

Can we have a quick talk about statistics? Is that OK?

Cos you three are throwing around some quite startling stats.

I mean, like, Spencer, you said that if Turkey joins the EU, we could be swamped with...

95 million Turks. Yep.

That's more than the entire population of Turkey.

That's 20 million more. And?

Well, we-we have do say things that are accurate and credible.

I mean, like, Preeya... you said that 30 million Turks could come here.

So, what's that based on?

That number's based on the fact that it's not implausibly huge, but it's still really scary.

Right, so...

So, what would you say if someone accuses you of making that figure up?

Oh, I'd probably accuse them of racism.

Right, OK.

I'm just, like, if you could just be careful with our statistics.

So, tonight's event...

Preeya, I've got you going first.

Then Jackie, then Spencer last.

I go last, Gerry. Yeah, but I thought today...

We need a professional politician to close. Yeah. But...

Unless you want me to open, as well.

No, that's fine. You close. Oh, and...

I'll need a taxi waiting. I've been asked to appear on Newsnight.

Has Priti Patel pulled out again?

Actually, the e-mail said that I'd be the perfect guest for the discussion.

They always say that, then they try to upgrade.

Right now, they'll be on the blower to Chris Grayling or Jacob Rees-Mogg or Neil Hamilton, or...

Gerry, can you take control of this meeting? Yeah, OK.

So, tonight's event - there will be speeches from Lord Lawson and Lord Lamont attacking establishment elites.

Also, now it seems like we're going to win, we better look like we've got a plan.

So, the official line is that we will have a managed exit from the EU by 2020.

2020? I could be dead by then.

Mmm...

She's doing it again, Gerry.

Oh, Tony. Oliver's joke was offensive. Actually, no.

Well, yes, it was, but...

This is more about last night.

Last night?

Last night. Us.

You and me.

Oh. Oh, right. Gotcha.

Well, while I feel there may be some therapeutic value in occasional nights of alcohol driven sex in hotels...

Yeah, yeah.

It might be a better idea for us to just pretend it didn't happen.

Oh, absolutely. Good call.

Well done, you.

I usually make it a rule. Working you know, in conflict resolution, to avoid co-worker intimacy.

I had a brief relationship during the Northern Ireland peace process, which the provisional IRA felt compromised my neutrality.

Luckily, no-one was permanently injured and...

Anyway, eventually we managed to get everybody back round the table.

I just want to say that last night was an anomaly.

The thing that happened last night.

And what was that?

What happened last night.

No, I was pretending it didn't happen.

Oh, right. Good.

Yes, of course, we will pay the fine.

Yes, 150,000 euros is a very large sum.

We will pay at the UEFA in cash, as usual. Mm-hm.

Yes, the president always takes his dog into meetings with the Chancellor.

Because Mrs Merkel likes dogs?

No, because she's sh*t scared of dogs. Here...

This was his old dog Konni.

It's very difficult for someone to think clearly when there are so many teeth near their groin.

The president had this one framed and captioned, "My two b*tches!"

I should take her in. Don't be too long, the football's about to start.

Oh, here come the French riot police.

Big girls' blouses.

You are part of that smug metropolitan elite who, with respect, should be taken out and sh*t.

And you're just a rabid extremist.

OK, OK. I am not rabid.

But the thing is we are a spectrum.

Ranging from Jackie on the left, who believes in socialism.

We've got Preeya who believes in, believes in...in, erm... things in the middle... And then to Spencer, who politically...

I don't believe in politics.

Politically doesn't believe in politics.

But we all want Brexit.

It would be a good thing when we're all on the platforms together if we just stick to the simple, clear messages.

Like, how after we leave the EU, the British people can take control.

Exactly. And nationalise the banks.

Nationalise the banks?

Yeah, and the trains, obviously.

Buses, steel industry, oil, gas, food, housing.

Then we abolish the army, the navy, the air force.

House of Lords, House of Commons, all religions.

Starbucks, Google, Sports Direct.

Sports...? That's stage one.

Then, you introduce a new system of government via daily online referendum, using Twitter, Facebook, texting and Snapchat. Who wants tea?

Yeah.

Great to be young, isn't it?

To talk complete bollocks with total certainty.

Why the long face, Gerry?

Look at the polls. Yeah, yeah.

Just thinking it might be nice to have some more celebrity backers for tomorrow's event.

We don't want any celebrities, Gerry.

They're all paedophiles.

They're not all...

Yeah, maybe sportsmen would be better. And experts.

Some experts would be good.

We've hardly got any backing us.

Nobody needs experts, we've got Wikipedia.

But look at who the others have got.

They've got David Attenborough, Stephen Hawking...

Oh, what's Stephen Hawking know about anything?

Apart from the origins of the universe.

He's never got his hands dirty.

He's got motor neurone disease.

Well, I've got haemorrhoids, but I don't go on about it.

The Virgin Islands joke? It just paints a very unpleasant picture.

It involves Boris Johnson having sex, of course it paints an unpleasant picture.

I tell you what, when Cameron gets here, I'll tell it to him, we'll see if he laughs.

He's got a great sense of humour, but maybe it'd be best just to stick to small talk.

Jokes are small talk.

Even smaller talk.

Really quite tiny talk that doesn't mention the polls in The Times.

Or the Guardian.

Or the Independent.

You see this John Whittingdale thing...

He got the black eye bumping into a lamppost. Yeah.

He was in a close relationship with the lamppost, until he realised it was a lamppost, at which point he ended the relationship with the lamppost immediately. No, this...

He was saying how Cameron needs to lower the temperature.

This would be a great opportunity to talk to the PM about being less aggressive.

Well, actually...

Because his office haven't responded to my e-mails about that.

Really, Oh, dear. And some of the reports of his behaviour...

I think the Chinese burns is just a rumour.

I could talk to him about using mind tools to help him separate people from problems.

And David would normally leap at an opportunity like that, but I just think with a week to go to the referendum, that's a treat he's just going to have to forego.

I've signed up for the Ring Your Granny initiative.

How are you going to persuade her to stay in the EU?

Do what? No, I'm just going to ring my granny.

When's Dave coming? I could bake.

Russian and England supporters fighting.

I'm sure we could sort this all out if we could just sit them down in a room together.

Though, probably without chairs.

John Cleese has come out for Brexit.

Funniest thing he's done for years.

Mind you, the useless celebrity bastards we have.

I'm going to mention that to Dave.

I'm not sure... I'll do my New York cheesecake.

And this time, I won't use Gorgonzola.

I can't wait for the visit.

Well, we're all very excited.

So, this is the word cloud of women's responses and...well...

Do these whining b*tches highlight any specific grievances?

Well, when we drill down, we find that certain statements of Donald's create a very pronounced hostile reaction.

Such ads...

Just lifting some from the data, statements where he speculated about having sexual relations with his daughter...

Oh, come on. She is a good-looking girl, he is a proud dad, it's just a joke.

Jokes about having sex with your children, they just don't play that well with women.

And, you know, just looking at some of these comments -

I mean, "He reminds me of my second husband who is in prison for r*pe."

"His face makes me want to vomit."

"I'd like to s*ab him in both testicles with a rusty spike."

These are not good comments.

OK, OK. We get the problem.

But you are getting the big bucks to find a solution.

He needs to show he can connect with women. So, we wheel out the wife.

Ah... Ah, what?

Well, you know, when Melania standing next to him, she kind of looks like she's in a hostage situation.

Can we get to smile more? Not without reversing lots of surgery.

The problem goes deeper. You see, Mrs Tr*mp is the kind of woman, who with no foundation, other women really sort of hate.

Oh, come on.

Do you have any evidence of that?

'So, Melania Tr*mp - a one word reaction.'

'Tramp. Gold-digger. Whore.'

'Bimbo. Slut. Harlot.

'd*ck jockey.'

"d*ck jockey"?!

Yeah, she was weird.

But that is our problem right there.

And it's not just Melania.

You see...

All the women in Donald's life are the same type, you know?

They all tend to look quite...

Quite... Quite what?

Specific.

Specific? You know, high-end.

We need to show that he can connect with ordinary women, with wrinkles and standard-size breasts.

That haven't had work done.

Women with no self-respect? No.

Just ordinary, regular, Wal-Mart shopping women, who are maybe even a little...frumpy.

You want me to tell Donald to hang out with more frumpy women? Kinda.

Are you mad? No.

Look, all the women he's surrounded with are distancing.

This has to be explained to him, otherwise he'll end up as a loser.

Hillary has a double-digit lead.

The numbers don't lie.

There's an event he could attend, next week, the Women's League of Illinois, all of them over 50, grey haired.

It'd be perfect.

We'll have to pick our moment.

He'll have to be in a good mood.

Rex, what colour baseball cap is he wearing?

Red. sh*t.

Why is everyone so worried about the Russians getting access to this Democrat file on Mr Tr*mp?

He's clearly not a man with anything to hide.

You are absolutely right, Brett.

Mr Tr*mp has nothing to hide.

Um, Brett, could you run a few Google alerts on some words for me?

Mm-hm. Tr*mp University, tax evasion, gerbils, and zucchini.

Yeah, no.

It's fantastic that Leave is surging ahead in the polls, but, um...

..I would like to sell my shares portfolio.

Yes. All of them.

I think it's fantastic the markets are crashing.

By leaving the EU, we're just hastening the inevitable collapse of capitalism.

Yeah, can you not say that on the platform, though?

Um, yeah, sorry. Look, something else I forgot to mention.

How hard would it be for me to cash in my pension?

Yes, in dollars, please.

Are you OK?

Oh, um...

My Dad's in hospital and, um...

Well, you don't need to know this.

Oh, OK.

Listen, you know last night at the hotel, when Spencer got into that argument with the barman about how passion fruit cider was unpatriotic?

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I went for a walk and I saw Spencer's fiancee...

Margosia. Yeah, Margosia and a man.

A young man. Under a tree.

I'm sure it's a perfectly innocent...

She had her hand down his trousers. OK.

So, when do we tell Spencer?

We don't.

What? We don't say anything.

It's none of our business.

We stay out of it. But...

Here's another one for my Museum of Official Stupidity.

Had to cross the rail to get that.

Don't stare, guys.

I'm not Sir Philip Green.

I've just been watching the news.

More moronic v*olence, water cannon... What? In Lille?

No, Nigel Farage and Bob Geldof.

Probably the first wash he's had in years.

What is the problem, Alexi?

This stupid computer.

I was monitoring the British News at Ten and now it's suddenly started playing the sound at this ridiculous slow speed.

No, that is Robert Peston.

Also, I am confused.

Everyone keeps using this phrase, "going forward".

What does it mean?

Absolutely nothing.

It is one of these English phrases that has no meaning, like "let me be clear" or "suspended disqualification".

What sort of mood was the President in?

Chatty.

Chatty? Is that the right word?

Yes, but... what did he "chat" about?

Spartak Moscow, films, the importance of working out.

He says I can always use his personal gym, if I want to.

To work on my, um...pecs.

Is that right?

Yes. Yes, that is right.

The teams are coming out.

I'm concerned about this match, if Slovakia b*at us.

If they do, they will be celebrating in Bratislava tonight.

Not without electricity, they won't.

Hi, yeah. It's Tony here.

I just wanted to say how fantastically excited we are about the PM's morale-boosting visit, but do you know something?

The morale here is so extraordinarily sky-high that I wouldn't want to take up any of his ever-so-valuable time trying to make it sky higher.

So, why doesn't he go somewhere where the morale is only...very high?

Yeah, and you. Love to Peter.

Oh, see you at Glyndebourne.

OK, this event. Jackie, no nationalisation stuff, all right?

It just muddies the waters.

And also that stuff about taxing old age.

It's the simplest way to make society fairer.

Spencer, if the whole Scottish independence referendum comes up, best to swerve round it, rather than saying, "Good riddance.

"You can all piss off!"

Oh, does it matter?

Well, it mattered in Aberdeen.

They threw so many fish, didn't they?

OK, best to stick to sovereignty and border security.

And Boris wants us to major on Cameron's so-called deal.

It says here that Boris' numbers are dropping for the Tory leadership.

Looks like you hitched yourself to the wrong bandwagon.

Boris is a born leader.

People will always follow him.

The only people who will always follow Boris are private detectives, hired by angry husbands.

Oh, I think I'll tweet that.

Please! No more tweets!

Especially about our side!

OK, Preeya. What time do you want your taxi to Newsnight?

Oh, er...you don't have to worry about that, Gerry.

It's fine. I'll put on account.

No, it's fine. I, um...

Been bounced for someone better?

No. They texted me to say that they were restructuring the running order, in light of the, um...

The Farage/Geldof water fight.

And, to be honest with you, I'm relieved cos I was a little bit worried about overexposure.

A tenner says it's Neil Hamilton.

The final whistle.

Slovakia win.

Who are you ringing?

The Russian manager.

The President will want to have a word with him.

The poster, Oliver - remember, we have to be neutral.

Phil's getting a lot of hate.

Phil? Sir Phillip Green?

He's... A mate of Daddy's?

They're talking about taking his knighthood away.

If they take your knighthood, do you get your money back?

Not everyone pays for a knighthood.

Really?

Don't tell Daddy that.

Hello.

Tony is...

I can take a message.

You'll meet him at the cinema.

No, I'll write it down this time.

Yeah. No, I'll do it on paper cos on sandwiches doesn't work.

Who was that?

Tony's daughter.

Oh, Tony was married?

Still is, I think.

Excuse me. Nervous tummy.

Um...Oliver? Sorry. The milk.

And you've mentioned that before, haven't you?

A spot of bad news, team. The Prime Minister's had to cancel his visit.

He needed to deal with some fallout from the Geldof/Farage standoff, so he's had to cancel.

Oh, I thought you cancelled him.

No, no. I don't think so, Ruby.

You must be confused.

No, on the phone earlier.

Are you sure you're not imagining that? Fairly sure.

So, the PM says he has total confidence... You were making tea.

..this unit's ability to head off any blue-on-blue friendly fire, so... Bastards!

Bloody Russian bastards!

I had an 18-1 accumulator.

If they'd just b*at Slovakia.

Bunch of vodka-soaked tundra bunnies!

Oh, come on.

Surely I can insult the Russians.

They're a free pass, aren't they?

Everything all right, Sarah? Yup.

Only, you seem to be playing...Fruit Ninja.

Coping strategy.

You know, the anti-g*n lobby can say what they like, but unstable people will always get access to dangerous weapons.

Right.

You doing some moves there, Brett?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's my hobby. Flamenco.

Flamenco? It's not Hispanic.

Its origins are Romany.

Brett? How are we doing on that rumour we started?

The one about Hillary holding the women down while Bill r*ped them?

It's out there.

It's big in the South.

I photoshopped this, so that Mr Tr*mp won't have to actually meet any frumpy women.

Yeah. Destroy that.