02x01 - The Calling

[bunniefuu]

("Still Fighting It" by Ben Folds)

♪ Good morning son I am a bird ♪
♪ Wearing a brown polyester shirt ♪

Jim!

So fortunate I ran into you.

I was thinking you could speak to my young men's group about the value of fatherhood.

Uh, Father Nicholas, I appreciate you asking, but I don't know what I would say.

I'm not the best Catholic.

(laughs)

Jim, you are so humble.

What about this Thursday?

Uh, well, I would...

Terrific.

See you at the youth center.

But... I...

Jim! (chuckles)

I just keep running into you. It reminds me...

Wait, weren't you back there?

Can you help at the soup kitchen?

What?

Terrific! See you Friday.

I don't know what my schedule is.

Ah, 5:00.

Wear something that can get dirty. Like that outfit.

Okay.

All right. Go inside. Go inside.

(scary movie music)

♪ ♪

(gasps) Thanks, Yonah.

Ah!

Jim, this reminds me.

I want you to teach Sunday School.

♪ ♪

Wha...

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Ah!

Oh. Sorry.

Hey, Buddy. What'll you have?

Light Ale, please.

Sure thing.

(sighs)

(screaming)

It's...

(both) time for dinner!

Ah... ah...

It's lasagna!

You're so sleepy.

Hi.

Did you have a good nap?

Uh, not really.

I had the weirdest dream.

I think I ate too much pastrami.

This is quite a production for dinner.

Well, Father Nicholas is coming.

(sighs) Again?

Jim, us having him for dinner every now and then is the least we can do.

Actually, us not having him for dinner would be the least we could do.

Every time I see that guy, he asks me to do stuff. For other people.

All Father Nicholas does is stuff for other people.

Exactly. So we don't have to.

Then just say no.

To a priest?

Then he'll tell on me.

To God, and Jesus, and the Holy Spirit guy.

Are you even Catholic?

Hey, I'm learning.

(door buzzes)

That's him.

I expect you to be a good host.

With pants this time.

All I do is give.

(man beatboxing)

(man humming and beatboxing)

♪ ♪

Thank you, Jeannie.

You're welcome.

Ah.

I'm gonna go put "SpongeBob" on.

Oh, great.

For the kids, Jim.

I... I know.

(Jim sighs)

Jim, can I ask you something?

(sighs)

Yeah.

Have you lost weight?

(chuckles)

Yeah, yeah. I have.

Ah.

(laughs)

You're looking fit.

I'm coming back!

Yeah, used to be a time when I was in pretty good shape.

I used to run six miles a day.

(laughs)

That's funny. Is this one of your comedy skits?

No.

I was... I was an athlete.

In high school, I was varsity football and wrestling.

Once an athlete, always an athlete.

This is amazing.

You know, the church soccer team, we just lost a player.

Oh, well, you know, I mean, I'm... I'm an athlete, but, like, I, uh, enjoy it from a distance. You know, from... from my couch.

All the proceeds go to the homeless shelter.

Jim, come on.

Which homeless shelter?

The one down the street.

That one?

Yeah.

Okay.

Wonderful!

(laughs)

Wonderful.

(man beatboxing)

♪ ♪

(cheering)

Jim, you scored the final goal.

I still got it!

I just got a little bit more of it.

Can I have an autograph please?

Uh, sure, sure.

No, not you. You.

You're Nicky Ngungumbane, right?

Yes, I am.

Great!

(chuckles)

Can I get a selfie?

Of course.

Yes!

Thank you.

You're welcome.

"Nicky"?

Don't you start. (chuckles)

You were unbelievable!

Did you play soccer professionally?

Oh, no, no, no... I mean, I played for the Zimbabwe Junior National Team.

We won the African cup, and, uh, I was recruited by Manchester United.

What? You were?

Well, what happened?

Nothing happened. I became a priest.

Oh, you got injured.

Oh, no.

So... so you went from being a soccer star to being a Catholic priest?

Oh, it's not as simple as that, Jim.

I first went to the London School of Economics.

Wait, the Catholic Church paid for you to go to the London School of Economics?

Oh, no, no, no. (chuckles)

Modeling paid for that.

What? You were a model?

I... I mean, I did one campaign for this company... Benetton.

Wait... wait a minute.

You were a soccer star, a Benetton model, and went to one of the top business schools in the world, and you threw it away to be a priest?

(Father Nicolas laughing)

Father Nicholas, I mean, I don't want to be rude, but being a Catholic priest is not exactly a status symbol today.

Yeah, well, I've been blessed with many gifts in this life.

But I realized that I had a calling to serve, and I answered that call.

I think I would've let that go to voicemail.

(laughs)

We all have a calling, Jim.

Well, not everybody.

No, you.

You make people laugh.

Yeah, yeah, besides that.

I'm talking about something important. To make lives better.

You know, I do jokes about donuts.

Ah!

Now, the guy who invented donuts?

He had a calling. Is he a saint?

(Father Nicholas laughing)

He should be a saint.

Maybe. (chuckles)

Oh, I've got to go in and check on Mr. Camenela.

He's been very lonely since his wife passed.

Oh.

You're a good man, Father Nicholas.

Like, invented donuts good.

I'm not playing soccer anymore.

Yes, you are.

It's too hard!

No, no, no.

You were really good today!

Where am I gonna get a cab?

That was him!

Yeah, could've been some superstar millionaire, but instead, the highlight of his week is coming to our apartment and eating your lasagna.

What's wrong with my lasagna?

It's veggie.

No one likes veggie lasagna.

Jim, you're missing the point. It was his calling.

Calling... you say "Calling" like that's something everyone gets.

Like a jury summons.

Well, I clearly remember when I got my calling.

Jeannie!

I told you, you could only get one Cabbage Patch Kid.

I want five!

I said one!

(screaming)

Okay, fine. Five. Just stop screaming.

(heavenly chorus)

It all makes sense now.

Jim, don't you remember a moment when you realized you were put on this planet to do something?

It's not eating.

I...

Jim, isn't your calling to be a father?

Being a mother is a calling. Dads order pizza... we're like the vice president of the family.

Everyone has a calling.

You just have to listen for it.

Don't be weird.

(horns honking)

(mobile phone buzzes)

(heartbeat thumping)

Listen, listen, listen! You just don't listen!

Jim...

Jim...

(heartbeat thumping)

Jim...

(heartbeat thumping)

God?

Over here...

(dance music playing)

Macaulay?

Jim! We're having a party up here.

We're re-enacting "Steel Magnolias." You should totally come.

Uh, uh, uh, no, I'm good, thanks.

By the way, your bald spot is gigantic.

Okay, the next open house is on Bleecker.

Oh, FYI, I lied. I told them you're happily married and that Jim is a great husband and father.

Daniel, Jim is a very active, present father.

Right, Jim? Jim?

Yeah, that's a great apartment.

What are you looking at? Our kids are over there.

Joseph! No, no, no. Don't eat that.

The rats poop in the sandbox. Come on.

Daniel, do you believe you were put on this earth to do something for the benefit of humanity?

You know, I've thought a lot about that, but I just don't know where I would hide your body.

No, seriously.

Was there a moment when you discovered what you were supposed to do with your life?

Oh, I've always known what I was meant to do with my life.

(children laughing)

Fabulous party, Grace.

Oh, thank you, Gloria.

Your Daniel is such a little, um, gentleman.

Oh, yes, he marches to his own b*at.

He's very gifted.

Mm.

Daniel?

Daniel, honey, come. Mommy needs you.

Daniel, now do that little trick that you did at Uncle Harrington's country estate last weekend.

Who do you want me to make cry?

Oh. (laughs) Uh, not that trick.

What is the square footage of Mrs. Sawyer's apartment?

Including the rotunda?

Yes, dear.

3,074 feet. Give or take six inches.

(gasps) Yes, that's right! Oh!

(applause)

Original moldings, near Central Park... based on current Manhattan quotes, it would sell for $2,337,125.

Mm, you see? I told you. He's gonna be the next Donald Tr*mp.

(heavenly chorus)

So, in this scenario, "Donald Tr*mp" was a compliment?

I don't know. I was ten.

About the age you were when you got out of diapers.

All I know is I was destined to help people find their dream home.

And then sell it three years later for a profit.

(man beatboxing)

Father Nicholas? The Priest?

The guy had this amazing life.

He could have been a professional soccer player.

A model. The guy went to the London School of Economics.

But instead, he chose to become a priest because he had a calling.

A calling. A call... you know, as a born-again atheist...

That's still not a thing.

I don't believe that the... the universe has a plan for me.

You know, I-I-I'm the... the master of my own destiny.

Doesn't your mom do your laundry?

Yes, and that's the destiny she chose.

Just as you've chosen to pay for this lunch today.

You're telling me there wasn't a moment in your life when you felt compelled to do something?

(muted) The guy had this amazing life.

(muted) He could've been a professional soccer player. A model.

(heavenly chorus)

That's not what I mean, Dave.

What?

You asked if there was a moment in my life I felt compelled to do something, and in that moment, I felt compelled to do her.

And in this moment, I feel compelled to do her.

And her. I did her.

Not her. Ah, who am I kidding? You know, after a couple of beers, her.

No, a calling, Dave.

Yeah, well you can have m-more than one call...

You can have two callings at the same time. You know, I mean, uh, uh... sometimes you pretend to be a guitar teacher to get a calling, you know, only then they discover that you don't know how to play guitar, but it's too late, 'cause you've already received the callings. So...

Mock it all you want, but people get callings.

Yeah, sometimes callings. Sometimes it's texting.

Often it's Tinder.

Do you believe in destiny?

Can I get some change?

But... but when you got your calling, was it all at once?

Like, a moment of catharsis?

What am I looking for?

Ah, it's different for everyone, I suppose.

I wasn't necessarily looking for a calling.

In fact, I think I fought the idea through much of University.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying I could have been called to be a priest, but I didn't hear it?

For me, it was that I always found such beauty in the mass.

The liturgy, the community in the presence of God.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Kinda. 'Cause...

Let us begin.

In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

(echoed) Oh God, author of every mercy and of all goodness, who in prayer, fasting, always giving, Stand up straight. has shown us the remedy for sin.

Look graciously on this, our confession of our lowliness...

(clears throat)

I volunteered you for the reading.

What? But I... I don't have my glasses.

Just get up there. Don't be a [Bleep].

One God, forever and ever.

(all) Amen.

Please be seated.

(Dad clears throat)

Go.

(Dad sighs)

Uh... a letter from St. Paul to the Apostles.

"Dear Apostles...

How was your weekend?"

(chuckles)

"Tell Jesus 'Hey.'"

(snorts and chuckles)

This is the word of the Lord.

(all) Thanks be to God.

Jim, did you ever think that your calling was to be a father?

Any guy can do that. I mean, not you.

I mean, you're a father, but not a father father. You shouldn't be.

You know what I'm saying.

(chuckles) Yes, I do.

My point is, I'm talking about a calling to change the world.

People's lives.

I'm sure it will be revealed to you when the time is right.

Uh. Okay.

I'll probably be eating.

(man beatboxing)

(heavenly chorus)

Jim?

Jim?

Jerry Seinfeld?

No, it's Whoopi Goldberg.

(man beatboxing)

Jerry Seinfeld.

Is this my calling?

Remember Tampa? 1992?

I blacked most of Tampa out.

Yeah, it's Florida. Most people do.

So what did she say?

Oh, she said she's not gonna play up that... that angle in the story.

She thinks we're heterosexual. I guess we fooled her.

Yeah.

(laughs)

All right, I'll get rid of her, hold on.

Hello?

Jim? Are you there?

(audience laughing at Jerry's lines)

Pick up the phone!

You!

Me?

Yes, you! Jim Gaffigan!

Do me a favor: put down your sandwich, and pick up the phone.

(Jim sighs)

You're always with the eating.

Hello?

Hey, it's working. This is great.

You seem depressed.

Well, I-I hate my job.

I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. (stutters)

The only thing bringing me any joy is this Cuban sandwich.

I love the way the pickle really balances out the pork and the other pork.

(audience laughing)

You should be a comedian.

A comedian? (chuckles)

I'm a litigation consultant.

(audience laughing)

What are you talking about?

They calculate the fees in law cases... it... it doesn't matter.

All right, I'll talk to you later.

I got to go.

Thanks, Jerry.

Put down the imaginary phone. You look ridiculous.

What are you, Bob Newhart?

Right, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah.

(audience laughing)

I just had the weirdest dream.

You've got to stop eating pastrami before your naps.

I know what my calling is.

I'm meant to be a stand-up comedian.

You already are a stand-up comedian.

Right, right, but I think I've been doing it wrong.

I'm supposed to talk about important issues.

I like your comedy.

But if it's my calling, I should be using my gift to bring about change.

Make the world a better place.

It's gonna be great.

(man beatboxing)

That's why we're all part of this cosmic plan, y-you know? I... I'm... I'm just telling you what they're trying to keep you from hearing. Right?

(chuckles)

Look, y-you know, (chuckles) you guys gotta read the papers. Its...

This is comedy with a "Two-think" minimum.

(chuckles and sighs)

I... (chuckles) I'm just hungry for the truth.

Right? Aren't we all?

Food!

You idiot! Talk about food!

Have you ever eaten so much pastrami you hallucinate?

(laughter)

You know what I mean? I mean, pastrami's my drug.

Some people drink. Some people smoke pot. I eat pastrami.

I'll come home, and my wife will be like, "Have you been eating pastrami?"

(laughter)

Corned beef?

It's not corn or beef.

(laughter)

(man beatboxing)

(heavenly chorus)

♪ ♪
♪ ♪

No line.

Jim Gaffigan.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You're in the wrong line.

You belong in the line over there.

That's the line for people that didn't follow their calling.

But I... but I did follow my calling.

Jerry Seinfeld appeared to me and told me I'm meant to be a stand-up comedian.

Oh, I love Seinfeld.

He's a genius. But he's a comedian.

Obviously, he was joking.

Well, what was my calling, then?

You were supposed to be a good father.

Oh.

Oh, hey, Jim.

Macaulay?

Pete.

Back again?

As always.

He's with me.

No, I'm just joking. Good luck. (clicks tongue)

♪ We're still fighting it ♪

I hate that guy.

♪ We're still fighting it ♪

There's so many of them. Five kids.

♪ And you're ♪

How is anyone gonna...

♪ So much ♪
♪ Like me ♪
♪ I'm sorry ♪