03x09 - Daily Active Users

[bunniefuu]

Female narrator: Tables. Tables are made so a person can sit down and do something. Or nothing. Any person can sit at a table, and if the table is large enough, many people. To make jokes, eat a meal, tell stories. Tables are for people to be together and share. And that is why tables are like Pied Piper. Grapefruits, postcards, hugs. These are things people share to connect, to come closer. To open up about ideas and things that make us feel alive, like air, ballet, amazing haircuts, weird countries, three-alarm chili, mountains, continents, the Earth, life. Life is beautiful and sad and hopeful and dangerous. So maybe the reason we share so much is because we understand that without sharing, we can't survive. And sharing is tables.

(WHISPERS) Pied Piper.

Yes. Tables. I see. It's a metaphor.

It's a wonderful ad spot.

Yeah. We're all just tables.

I love what you've done with the place.

It's a really nicely done place.

Say, is that your dog?

It's a dog.

You and I have never really had much of a rapport, have we?

It's... wanting.

Oh, look.

Well, we're almost there. Prepare to gather, everyone.

No, I didn't say to gather. I simply said prepare to gather.

Richard: Monica, hey.

Oh, hey. How's it going?

You holding up okay?

Not really.

I know. Her parties are always deeply weird.

Hey, um, I guess this is as good a time as any to say it, but, um, I'm really sorry for not getting Pied Piper.

And to be honest, it's really embarrassing to be so f*cking wrong.

Well, here's the thing, you, uh, you might not be.

What? What are you talking about?

Uh... okay.

So, well, Pied Piper launches and everything's great, and we spent a f*cking bazillion dollars, on the Tables ad and now we are almost at 500,000 installs, right?

Yeah. What's the problem?

Well, as you know, installs isn't really the metric that matters.

We need daily active users, people who come back to the platform.

Okay, so how many daily users do you actually have?

Okay, what would... what would be a number that would make you say, "Ugh, oh, that's bad."

I don't know, like, 100,000?

Oh.

Are you less?

How much less?

19,000.

19... 19,000 less than a hu...

81,000?

No. No, just 19,000.

That's the only number.

What?

That's... that's terrible.

Yeah. I'm aware.

Well, yeah, that's art, not a chair.

Oh.

Richard! Oh, my... well, you haven't told Laurie yet, have you?

No.

Okay. Well, who else knows?

Dinesh and Gilfoyle?

No.

Erlich?

(ERLICH LAUGHS)

No.

Monica: Well, apparently Jared knows.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, Pied Piper's sort of what I'm known for, but I'm into a lot of cool stuff.

Like, a lot.

You seem surprised.

I'll give you an example. A few months ago, I'm at my computer, freestyling, just kind of jammin' out, you know, before I knew it I had thrown together the greatest video-chat app the world has ever seen.

So you invented Skype a few months ago?

Great ideas just sort of flow through me.

The platform, you know, it's sort of a group project, but, uh, the video-chat app, that's my solo album.

Oh, Robert.

I'm Dinesh.

What the f*ck is going on with you?

Hmm? Could you be more specific?

You're hiding something.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) What? No, I'm not.

Everything's fine. You know, everything's fine.

That's a lie.

I can tell because you subscribe to traditional Judeo-Christian mores of right and wrong.

You're made uncomfortable by untruth.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

My commitment to LaVeyan Satanism grants me certain freedoms.

There is no good and evil, there's only self.

Would you like a beverage?

Yes, I would.

Lie. You just want me to go to the bar and leave you alone.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY, COUGHS)

Gil... you cr*ck me up.

Lie.

(CHUCKLES)

I terrify you, as I should.

(LAUGHS) Get out of here.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, so, I just spoke with my friend who runs a market research firm, she's gonna set up a focus group for the platform, put it in the hands of some real users, and hopefully it'll be super obvious what's going wrong.

Okay, great.

Clink, clink, clink. Gather.

Faster, please. Gather faster. We're close.

We need to see the numbers change.

All: 499,995, 499,996...

499,997...

(CHEERING)

It's going great. Uh, they've been engaging with the platform for about an hour now.

They're just starting the Q and A.

Richard: Uh, great.

Thank you, everyone, for sharing your feelings on the revolutionary new Pied Piper platform.

Now, Bernice, you say here that you were... totally freaked out by the platform.

What specifically totally freaked you out?

Everything. Just every single thing about it.

Just, like, how it worked.

Man: Now, who else found themselves totally freaked out by this platform?

Barry, Warren, Natalie, Martina, Gwen, Amy, Walker, and Clay.

You were all totally freaked out.

Was anyone not totally freaked out?

Clark? Good. What was your reaction?

It just made me feel stupid.

This file sync thing is confusing.

When I put videos into my main folder, it says it uploaded them, but then I didn't see where they went.

It said stuff was on my phone and my iPad, but when I looked at the memory, it said, zero K used, so stuff wasn't on there.

That's the platform. He's describing the platform and what's great about it. Well, clearly he doesn't get it. clearly none of these people get it. Maybe this is a bad group.

This is the fifth one today and it's the least hostile reaction we've seen.

Okay, well, everyone that I showed the beta to loved it. Loved.

Oh, sh*t.

What?

Who did you give the beta to?

Your friends. Engineers.

Well, yeah, Monica.

I wanted to give it to people who would understand what I'm trying to do, so I could get useful feedback.

And with all due respect, I gave it to you, the one person without a computing background, and you said it felt engineered.

Oh, sh*t.

Yeah.

You're trying to sell the platform to regular people, but you never actually put it in the hands of regular people.

Like them.

Shouldn't there be a download button?

Did they honestly forget to add a download button?

You know what, Richard, why don't we just go...

I mean, who designed this thing?

I did. I designed it.

Excuse me? Who are you?

Uh, my name is Richard Hendricks, I'm the CEO of Pied Piper.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you're the one who forgot the download button.

Yes.

But no. No, actually, there is no download button because, um, well, you don't need a download button. We're past that.

I mean, that's the old thing. This guy, actually, he should have told you that.

I'm a moderator, not an advocate.

Okay, well, with Pied Piper, you don't need to download anything or send anything at all, anywhere, because the second you take a photo or a video or compose a text message, it's on all of your devices instantly.

So it's all on my phone?

Yes.

Wrong! It says "zero K used," so it's not on there.

Aha! (CHUCKLES) Aha...

Yes, well, that's the best part about the platform right there.

Yes, uh, because you're right, it's not actually on the phone.

But you don't need it to be on the phone if you can see it on the phone, even though there's nothing there at all.

But... where the hell is it?

Everywhere.

And nowhere, sort of.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Let me, uh, let me just take a step back here and explain it in a simpler way.

Um, sorry, what was your name?

Bernice.

Bernice. What did you have for breakfast today?

Scrambled eggs.

Scrambled eggs.

And what's in the eggs?

Electrons. Right?

And we all know how electrons exist in orbitals.

Multivalent states? No?

No one knows this? Okay.

Okay, that's fine. Bad example. That's on me.

I'll... I'm going to use the whiteboard here.

You're gonna... you're gonna love this. Okay.

Then, once we hit a critical mass of users, the volume of data moving through the system will enable the neural net to start optimizing the platform.

It will actually get smarter and faster all on its own.

Is that like when I'm texting and my phone starts guessing what I'm going to say?

This goes way beyond autocomplete.

Actually, all of your devices will begin helping each other in ways that we can't even design or predict.

Okay, but see, the problem is... Terminator.

What? No. No, no. No, no, no. No.

I can assure there is no Skynet type of situation here.

No. Pied Piper will in no way become sentient and try to take over the world.

He just told us he couldn't predict it.

I'm just saying... everybody d*ed.

All: Mm-hm, yeah.

Richard: You're right.

In those movies, there were a lot of casualties.

Quite scary to think.

It's food for thought.

Speaking of...

Can we order some pizzas in here?

So, when we put our files into a Pied Piper folder, they get split up into tiny bits and spread across a network of other users' devices?

Yes, that's, uh, peer-to-peer distribution. Continue.

But they can't look at any of our files because they only have tiny, scrambled pieces of them?

Encrypted sharding.

Clark with the assist. Great.

Uh, go on.

But we can look at any of our files anytime, anywhere even though they're not actually on any of our devices.

Yes. Yes, Bernice, that's it.

That's Pied Piper. That's everything.

So it's all on our phones even though it sort of isn't.

Oh, my God. That's awesome.

Isn't it? Yeah.

So, uh, what do you think? Will you use Pied Piper now?

Well, yeah, I think I will.

Me, too, now that you've explained how it works.

There you go.

That's what we've been aiming for.

Richard: They get it!

What's he smiling at?

This data was corrupted the second he walked in that room.

So we're tanking, and it's because we're too good.

That's one way of looking at it. Uh, yes.

Yes, we have created a product so far ahead of its time, people are having difficulty wrapping their heads around it.

Well, then we just need to change the platform, right?

We simplify it.

Richard: Well, we can't.

It's not as if I don't want to, it's just that we literally can't do it.

Um, if you build an airplane and people are afraid of anything that flies, you can't just take the wings off of it, because, at that point, all you're left with is a really slow, super expensive shitty bus.

No, uh, we built an airplane, we got to fly it.

What's the point of flying if it's f*cking empty?

I think people will want to fly once they realize how cool the platform is.

Guys, I know we're in a tough spot right now, and I know we needed a quarter million DAU's in order to get our next round of funding, but this is it.

I think we can do this. All we got to do is just take every last dollar that we have, which is, uh... Sorry, uh, Jared, what?

Well, after the Table ads, the salaries, recruiter fees...

You know what? I haven't run the numbers.

It would be irresponsible to estimate.

Okay, uh, is it less than a million dollars?

Oh, God, yeah.

Okay.

It's higher than 500,000, right?

Yeah.

I guess it's about $697,240. But don't quote me on that.

Okay, we use that money to do outreach, tutorials, user meetups, uh, create a guerrilla marketing campaign that explains how cool the platform is.

I know it's not ideal, but, um, I really think we can pull this off.

Yeah, that seems doable.

Lie.

Or here's another idea. We could put the platform on hold, take the money we have left and pivot to something that doesn't require hours of explanation.

You know, I've been showing people the video-chat app that I hacked together and...

Shut up, Dinesh!

You ungrateful pricks, all of you.

Your tepid response to our intrepid boss makes me ill.

His plan, will it work? Mm-mm.

Almost certainly not.

All of you will likely look back at this time in your lives and realize you wasted a whole year with nothing to show for it.

But if this company is a plane, then this is Richard's g*dd*mn plane, and if he wants to fly it in the side of a f*cking mountain, that is his prerogative and it is our duty to climb on, strap in and have a fiery death right behind him.

Richard: I don't... I don't know about that, but...

Richard, the floor.

Crashing aside, I think this is the plan and, uh, really, what other option do we have?

Well, I know what option I have.

I can quit. So I quit.

Okay. Any... anybody else?

Guys, no.

Look, Douglas, customer support is going to be a big part of this.

We need you guys if we're going to get 250,000 users.

I barely have any customers to support, Richard.

And the only way you're going to get that many users is if you go to one of those click farms in Bangladesh and pay for them. Good f*ckin' luck, man. I'm out.

Guys, wait.

Jared, let them go.

I have to do their exit interviews.

I guess I can do them on their walk to their cars.

Richard, we're better off without them.

Lie.

This is intolerable. A man can only take so much.

Banished from my own company? No.

I'm just going to give them what they want. I'm going to resign.

We can go to Haiti, build orphanages.

Haiti?

Is it not said that one should think globally and act locally?

I'm not acting at all.

Lao Tzu teaches the best fighter is never angry.

More important than the blow is knowing when to strike.

Like, perhaps, after we experience the executive white water rafting trip in Coeur D'Alene?

Gavin, do you have a moment?

Yes.

Alone?

Of course. Denpok?

What?

Give us a moment, please?

Gavin, I'm really not supposed to be talking to you, but there's something I think you should know about.

I'm listening.

A customer service rep that just left Pied Piper is on campus right now interviewing for a job.

Why would anyone leave Pied Piper now?

I thought maybe you'd want to ask him yourself.

Well done. Well done.

Okay. Thank you for coming in, Douglas.

Yeah.

Right this way. Okay.

Uh...

Douglas.

Consider the possum. Nature's...

Gavin, if you're bringing another animal into this board room, this meeting is over.

Of course not. Don't insult me.

Gentlemen and lady of the Hooli board, I am the possum to which I refer.

Playing dead to outwit those who wish me harm.

But it's time to end the charade.

I'm sorry, Gavin. What charade?

For months, I've led the world to believe that my Endframe division was pursuing a broad-based compression platform in direct competition with Pied Piper.

But secretly, I knew that any such platform was destined to fail.

But Pied Piper is not failing.

It's the most popular app in the Hooli store.

One of the most installed, yes.

But I happen to know, because I make it my business to know, that their daily active user numbers are abysmal.

So, you were never developing a platform.

Why didn't you tell us this?

Says the chairperson of the board that recently asked for my resignation.

Trust cuts both ways. I thought it best to leave you out of it.

I'm sorry, Gavin. I'm just finding all of this impossible to believe.

If you were never building a platform, what did we just spend three-quarters of a billion dollars on?

I'm not going to tell you.

Instead, I'm going to let the new head of product for Hooli/Endframe tell you.

Hello, everyone.

I'm Jack Barker, and I'm very excited to introduce Hooli/Endframe's newest product...

We call it The Box.

Gavin: Pied Piper's loss is Hooli's gain.

May the best product win.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Can I get you a shirt, sir? There you go.

Actually, let me ask you a question, uh, Emily.

What did you have for breakfast today?

Um, yogurt.

Okay.

And, uh, we all know what's in yogurt, right?

Electrons. Multivalent states.

Welcome to the Pied Piper Informational Seminar.

Now, what is Pied Piper? Excellent question.

Here it is.

One of your Hooli/Endframe boxes would go right here in this rack.

Okay, let me show you the next location in which we would install one of your boxes.

Congratulations, Jack. And congratulations to you, Gavin.

Hey, John?

John?

John?

A lot of people have raised their hands, uh, throughout this seminar saying, Hey, is thing like the Terminator?

Uh, no. Not at all.

Hi, how big are your files?

Dodge Challenger? Hoodie?

Jack: John?

Gavin: Yo!

Jack: John?

Gavin: John!

Gavin: John!

Jack: John!

This is Pied Piper, guys. Okay?

If I could just explain it one more time.

Guys? Please don't leave. I beg you.

Hi, Bernice. Yeah.

♪ Just look, just look ♪
♪ Just look what death gone and done ♪
♪ Just look, just look ♪
♪ Just look what death gone and done ♪

We kind of thought we nailed it with Tables, but you say you want something light, fun, inviting.

But most of all, you want something that delivers a step-by-step guide to all of the nuances of your platform.

Yeah.

All of this with the caveat that you don't have enough money for even a minuscule ad buy.

Um, yes, that's right.

That's a pretty small target to hit.

Anyway, here's what we came up with.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oh, hello, welcome to Pied Piper.

How can I help you?

(PIPE TRILLS)

What in the name of f*ck is that?

Well, his name is Pipey, the Pied Piper Piper.

He's fun. And, uh, you know, the demo's interactive. Just...

Looks like you want to compress a movie file!

Can I help? You know, with Pied Piper's revolutionary neural network, optimized, sharded data distribution system, it's just six clicks away! Follow me!

I like it.

That's a f*ckin' lie.

Yeah.

So, Richard, you want us to take the most sophisticated and technically complex compression based platform ever created and add that?

Pipey: Still here!

(PIPE TRILLS)

Well, after the booths at CES and South by Southwest, all of our outreach, the Dodge Challenger...

Pipey: Still here!

Plus, all the cost of working up, you know, this, we are pretty much all out of money.

Follow me!

Okay.

Pipey: Uh-oh! Somebody seems confused!

Let me walk you through Pied Piper's proprietary peer-to-peer content distribution system, consisting of...

♪ I found a new meaning♪

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Jared: Richard? Are you indisposed?

Richard, can I come in?

Richard, I'm... I'm sorry the guys didn't like Pipey.

It's over, Jared.

Well, you know, a lot of animated characters have rough starts.

Early Bugs Bunny cartoons were just garish displays of anti-Japanese hysteria, and now he's the face of Warner Bros.

I'm not talking about Pipey, Jared. I'm talking about Pied Piper.

We're dead. We fought Gavin Belson, Russ, Hooli, the lawsuit, that f*cking box, all so we could build our platform the way we wanted to.

And we did, but I guess you just can't fight public opinion, except for one woman named Bernice.

Face it, Jared, being too early is the same as being wrong.

Hey.

We'll figure it out.

I don't know if we will.

Besides, I think I'm getting tired of being kicked in the balls.

Come on, we have a few weeks of runway left.

Uh, I don't want to say exactly how much.

Again, I'm not comfortable estimating, but...

Take what's left of it and divide it up amongst the guys.

I mean, it won't be anywhere close to what you're owed in back pay, but at least it's something.

Don't give up. Richard, come on, not yet.

We've got to hang on, we've got to see what happens.

Something will turn around. I know it will.

You really believe that? Absolutely.

Gilfoyle's right, you're... you're a terrible liar.

Um, just, uh, set an all-hands for tomorrow at 9 a.m.

And I'll... I'll tell the g*ng.

It's over, Jared.

And lastly, our deal to furnish Endframe boxes to Maleant Data System Solutions has officially closed, putting us far ahead of even the most optimistic profit targets issued by this very board.

Gavin, it appears we owe you an apology.

We'd like to restore your full status as CEO and chair with a significantly revised bonus and stock options package.

Thank you.

Of course, apology accepted.

I would like nothing more than to move forward in a harmonious and productive manner.

Actually, with that in mind, there's something I'd like to show you.

It's outside. Is... is that all right?

A little field trip, if you will?

Just down here.

A little farther.

We're almost there.

Just out here, everyone. Almost there.

Consider the elephant.

Legend has it its memory is so robust it never forgets.

And I assure you, gentlemen of the Hooli board, and lady, neither do I.

(CLEARS THROAT) Okay, guys, uh, we need to have a serious discussion about the future of the company.

(ALL LAUGHING)

What? Why is everyone smiling?

Richard, something happened last night.

The daily active users are up, way up.

Look at it. Look.

Really?

Holy sh*t!

Did we just get 7,000 users in a day?

We sure did! We're back!

I don't know if it was the outreach or the tutorials, but we seem to be getting traction.

Richard, you pulled us out of a nosedive.

Of course, inevitably, we will run out of fuel and plummet towards the Earth, leaving only a crater behind of torn flesh and excrement, but in the meantime, we are flying high!

Yeah. I guess we are.

You know, it's crazy, just last night I was, uh, telling Jared that I thought we should shut down the company.

Well, perfect timing then, huh?

(PHONE RINGS)

Uh, excuse me. I should get this.

Hey, Jared.

Are those numbers legit?

Of course.

All right, then.

This is Jared.

Man on phone: So, are we happy?

Yeah. Worked out great.

So let's keep the 7,000 users that I bought and add another thousand a day for the next week.

Man: You got it, buddy.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(BICYCLE BELL RINGS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

♪ ♪

(MAN COUGHS)