02x04 - You've Got Blackmail

[bunniefuu]

[Brakes hiss]

♪♪

[Cat meows]

[Laptop beeps, keyboard clacking]

[Beeping]

Ladies and gentlemen, we are just moments away from hitting our one millionth cheat.

[Cheers and applause]

I want to thank each and every one of you for believing in my childhood dream... a service designed to give a voice to a group... who for too long have been silenced.

I'm talking about people who want to be married but still bone other people.

Woman: That's right.

Man: Hear, hear!

Woman #2: That's right!

And now that dream is a reality.

[Sighs]

Cheat. Cheat.

[All chanting] Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!

[Evil laughter]

What the hell is going on?

[Laughter continues]

Mr. Tweedner, the servers aren't responding.

I think we've been hacked.

[Laughing evilly]

[Distorted] Huh?

Sorry. I think you still have the bathroom key.

Oh. Sorry.

Thanks.

[Laughing evilly]

♪♪

Geils, Tribeca, I'm afraid cybercrime has once again reared its ugly head.

Lieutenant, I told you, it's just a printer jam.

Has anyone here heard of the website "MeetNCheat.org"?

[All coughing]

Their server's been hacked.

The perpetrator is threatening to release the names and identities of all the cheaters on the site unless it's shut down.

[Whines]

Why do we have to help a website that encourages people to cheat?

I say let the data be published.

Ow!

I know it's distasteful, Tribeca, but the law is the law.

Now, because it's a cybercrime, the FBI has sent us a tech expert to help out with the case.

I'd like to introduce you to Special Agent Diane Duran.

♪♪

Good morning.

Agent Duran, Detectives Treils and Gibeca.

Sorry, I'm flustered because you're so impressive.

He's Treils. I'm Gibeca.

Nice to meet you.

Hi.

Atkins: Your reputation precedes you, Duran.

Smart, professional, but with a fun, mischievous side.

You flatter me, Lieutenant.

Geils, I think you lost something.

Uh... [Chuckles]

We got a real tough one here, Agent Duran.

Call me Diane.

Let's see if we can give this hacker a run for his money.

At 9:03 A.M., a self-replicating code was Trojan-Horsed through the backdoor of Meet'N'Cheat's servers.

Those computer-sounding words convince me you're an expert.

Why don't I set my equipment up, and you can go talk to the C.E.O. of Meet'N'Cheat, find out if he has any enemies?

Other than every housewife in America.

[Laughs] Great. We'll get right on it.

I want to date her.

I want to be her.

Garth Tweedner: Okay. What'd you guys come up with?

Every minute I'm not online, a dad is throwing a football with his son, a mom's helping her daughter with homework.

Couples are finding ways to make it work, and that's money out of my pocket.

How do you live with yourself?

I'll tell you how I live.

I sleep on a bed made out of human buttocks.

Every item of clothing that I'm wearing was handmade by a gifted Asian child.

You want to know what I drink instead of water?

Supermodel breast milk.

You want to know what kind of car I drive?

A pre-owned Toyota Avalon.

Sir, on behalf of the 99%, thank you.

You're a job creator.

What I do might be distasteful to you, Detective, but the world needs guys like me to take us to the next level.

I mean, imagine a world without honesty, fidelity, common decency.

You know what I think?

I think we should let this hacker release all your data and bring this company tumbling down.

Sounds like someone doesn't want their parking validated.

Do you have any enemies? People who want you to fail?

Mm... It would be a heck of a lot easier to count my friends.

Let's do that, then. Anyone left over will be considered your enemy.

Okay. Alex Rodriguez, Dustin Diamond... and that's it.

Wait a second.

There were these twins that I went to school with, Ned and Ted Doppelganger.

Hate my guts.

They think that I stole the idea for Meet'N'Cheat from them.

But that's not true?

No, it's totally true.

I literally took their computer from their home.

Ski mask, flashlight, the whole nine yards.

Suckers.

There's no way this guy's friends with Dustin Diamond.

And where would we find these Doppelgangers?

Well, they teach at our old school.

You know it as Harvard, but most people know it as the Miami University of Ohio of Massachusetts.

♪♪

Thank you for meeting with us, Professor Doppelganger.

And Professor Doppelganger.

Of course.

Not that we're anxious to help out our old "friend".

Garth Tweedner.

That prospect is less than appetizing.

I take it you're not the biggest fan of the rock star C.E.O. who stole your idea and made millions from it.

Since the gag order, we're not allowed to say what we really think about Mr. Tweedner.

But off the record?

I think he's the scum of the Earth.

Lowest of the low.

Geils: Sounds like a pretty big grudge.

Big enough to want to take down his whole operation.

Hacking's not our game, Detective.

When we take people on, they know about it.

Besides, we're about to start a new business venture.

It's called FastFruit.

It's gonna revolutionize fruit delivery.

You suddenly got a hankering for a plum?

Within five minutes, a drone arrives and drops it right in your hand.

Allow us to demonstrate. Name any fruit.

Tomato.

Ugh. You're that guy?

Ted, it's fine. Hand me the drone controls.

As we speak, I'm piloting a drone to our fruit-distribution warehouse in New Hampshire.

Is there anything about the nature of the hack that would point to who might have done it?

Now, I've selected your tomato from a huge pile of tomatoes, and I'm piloting it back to this room.

Hackers all have their own signatures.

They're show-offs.

They don't want to get caught, but they certainly want the recognition.

Holy sh*t! Look out!

[Window shatters]

[Drone thuds]

Your tomato.

We're still taking investors at the $10,000 price point.

So, we've come up empty so far.

Any new leads you can give us?

I have an algorithm running that should ping the location of the servers connected to the hack.

And I'm making linguini alle vongole, but help yourself to charcuterie if you need something right away.

[Computer beeps]

That should be the location of the server.

[Evil laughter]

We've been hacked.

My mom had blowy hair.

We don't know much, Mr. Mayor.

The hacker is threatening to release the names of every user on the site unless we shut it down permanently.

And now he's inside the LAPD's network.

And if he can get in here, there's no telling what he's capable of.

There's only one way of dealing with this, Pritikin.

Succumb to his every demand.

Pardon me?

Shut down the site. Pay him off.

Make this thing go away.

I'm not sure that'll be the end of it.

There are 25 government employees in nine different county departments on Meet'N'Cheat, including one in the mayor's office.

Sir, we cannot just give into this guy.

Damn it, Atkins, inside the mayor's office.

Not the outer office. The inner office. Where the mayor sits.

Sir, I understand there is sensitive info that we are dealing with...

The guy on this list sits in the mayor's chair.

Wears the mayor's suits.

Has a plaque on his desk that says "Mayor Perry."

Look, people are gonna get swept up in this...

My name is on the list. Mayor Joe Perry.

Username... MayorJoePerry1.

Password... "YesThatMayorJoePerry."

Sir, the only way we are gonna figure out whose names are on that list is to figure out who the hacker is.

Now, I am asking for your permission to divert resources...

Me, the man standing in front of you, the mayor of Los Angeles, cheats on his wife and does so by making use of a website exclusively designed for cheaters.

MeetNCheat.org.

Mr. Mayor, if I didn't know better, I'd think you're trying to cover up the fact that your name may have somehow ended up on that list.

So, who's this guy again?

Just a homie I used to roll with back in my math club days.

But I got to warn you, he ain't too good with people.

[Dog barking ferociously]

I don't know about this.

What the [bleep] do you want?!

Ced, it's me, Tanner, from the old neighborhood.

[Dog barking]

Who this vanilla yogurt?

Detective Jay Geils, meet Cedric the Programmer.

So, you talk to anybody from the old crew?

You hear about Bernie Macbook?

Nah.

Yeah, man.

Yahoo got him.

[Gasps]

Now he creating digital platforms for branded content.

Damn.

[Chuckles]

So, what we're interested in...

Whoa!

Man, who brought this side of steamed rice?!

Detective Geils, meet Cedric the Programmer.

A grandfather clock fell on his head back in the day.

He doesn't remember things too well.

But he's so sharp in many other ways.

So, you must be in a hell of a lot of trouble for you to call on Cedric.

Well, the fact is, we're...

Whoa!

Man, who brought this slice of Monterey Jack?!

Detective Geils, meet Cedric the Programmer.

Why don't you let me do the talking?

So, I don't know if you're aware of this, but...

The Meet'N'Cheat hack.

Ahh.

Yeah, man, that was some straight-up backdoor port 3127 forward slash TCP sh*t right there, man!

So you know the hacker?

Whoa, man!

Man, who brought this roll of Brawny paper towel up in here?!

Detective Geils, meet Cedric the Programmer.

Can you not talk for like 30 seconds?

[Keyboard clacking]

Yeah.

Yeah, you got a hacker named the Mailer Demon interested in y'all.

And this one bad mofo.

I'm talking arms trading, government-server breaches, global destabilization, mean Facebook comments.

We want to meet him.

The Demon don't meet nobody unless a couple of milli on the table.

Can you get in touch with him?

What you want me to do? Send him an AOL instant message?

Could you?

Sure.

[Keyboard clacking]

[Indistinct talking]

[Harmonica plays]

[Cymbals crashing]

Geils in position.

Tanner and Hoffman in position.

Tribeca in position.

No sign of the Demon. He's 10 minutes late.

I don't like this.

Hang on. Someone's coming.

I got him.

[Harmonica plays]

No, wait a second. I got him right here.

He's here. I see him very clearly.

Freeze! LAPD! Hands up!

Wait a second. That can't be.

[Cymbal crashing]

He made us. There's a bunch of them.

[Suspenseful music playing]

Hey!

♪♪

Freeze!

[Breathing heavily]

♪♪

Noooo!

Atkins: All right. What have we got?

We know that Diane Duran is in on whatever this is, and she's FBI...

Which means anybody could be in on it, even one of us.

I think it's time to initiate Bravo Two Protocol.

From now on, only the four of us in this room are pursuing this case.

We don't talk to any outside agencies, any government offices, baristas, or hairdressers, and that includes social media.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Find out who Diane Duran really is and who she's working for by any means available.

But keep in mind, this is all being funded by our tax dollars.

[Tires screech]

[Engine revving]

♪♪

Digital implant activated.

Scholls: Copy that, Tribeca. I am seeing what you're seeing.

[Sighs]

And I can tell when you're rolling your eyes.

It's just a little frustrating when we're doing Bravo Two Protocol and Geils tells his girlfriend.

You gonna cry about it?

No, I'm not gonna cry about it.

You just have to tell me, 'cause it could wash out the lens.

Geils, check in.

I'm trying to get in position, but these suction cups might be too powerful.

[Grunts]

[Door creaks]

Tanner?

Sorry I'm moving kind of slowly.

There was a mix-up in the undercover-costume department.

Man: Next stop, Miracle Mile...

[Indistinct talking]

I've got eyes on Duran.

Okay, she's headed into a building.

4253 Wilshire Boulevard.

Checking.

Building's owned by a corporation called Mayhem Global.

Mayhem Global? What do we know about them?

They got their hands in a little bit of everything... construction, import/export, fracking, real estate, party supplies, t-shirts, culturally-insensitive Halloween costumes, and all the healthcare in Louisiana.

So, Mayhem Global hires Duran to hack Meet'N'Cheat.

She draws us in.

Then she hacks us from the inside.

But why? Who the hell are these people?

What are they up to?

[Muffled] Package for Mayhem Global.

Why are you dressed as an astronaut?

Sign here, please.

Ow!

Why'd you do that?

Does it have to do with why you're dressed as an astronaut?

[Telephone rings]

Hey, Bill.

Scholls, talk to me.

Okay. The server room is on the east side, 15th floor.

[Panel beeps]

Looks like the guard doesn't have clearance to go upstairs.

Give me a minute.

Hey, guys. It's Doug.

Welcome to episode two of "How to Get Someone to the 15th Floor.

When You Only Have a Key Card.

That Gets Them to the First Floor."

Okay. Hit 7-7-7-7 pound.

[Panel beeps]

[Strained] Tribeca, don't do anything till I get up there.

[Breathing heavily]

I'm on 15. Where am I going?

The server room is two doors down on your right.

I deactivated the temperature sensors, the sound sensors, and the bathroom, so you're gonna have to hold it.

Take a look at the keypad.

I want to see what we're dealing with here.

Looks like a fingerprint scan.

Any ideas?

Reach into your bag.

There should be a universal finger.

Hmm.

[Panel beeping]

I'm in.

Okay. Boot up the system.

Stick the flash drive into the USB port.

We'll upload our spyware into their system so it can monitor it from the precinct.

[Keyboard clacking]

[Beeping]

[Alarm chirping]

Hang on, Tribeca.

Tribeca, get out of there! There's a red dot coming!

I'm almost done.

You're almost done all right.

You looking for this?

Did you really think you could take down Mayhem Global?

Agent Duran, why?

You're the perfect woman. You're the perfect FBI agent.

It doesn't make any sense.

When you see the bigger picture, Tribeca, it will all make sense.

And you're gonna be a big part of it.

Really? I'm gonna be a big part of it?

Wait. I don't want any part of it!

But like how big of a part? I'm so confused.

[Muffled] Tribeca!

[Grunts] Tribecaaaaaaa!

[Grunts]

You can't compete with me, Tribeca.

I have skills beyond what you can even imagine... the ability to balance workplace excellence, domestic prowess, and effortless style.

Women can have it all, and I'm the living proof.

Not for long.

I call this "Brunch with Global Conspiracy Girlfriends."

It goes great with a homemade goji-berry mojito.

[Grunts]

"Assassinating the Prime Minister at a State Dinner."

Don't forget your mini clutch for your wallet, lip gloss, and .38 revolver.

[Both grunting]

"Motorcycle Chase Couture."

I need backup. She's too much woman for me.

Do you think Geils is in love with you because you're a tough cop?

No. He's in love with you because you're a strong woman.

You don't understand.

She's wearing a cape and rocking it.

You are more woman, more cop, than any woman or cop I've ever met.

Now stop hiding behind that dark suit and those blocky shoes and just show her the woman cop you really are!

Hngh!

Wow. That look is perfect.

It's called the Kick-Ass Ensemble from the Taking Names collection.

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

Man: Upload complete.

I'm just activating the spyware, and then we should have a look at what Mayhem Global is up to.

Good job, Dr. Scholls.

It was really Tribeca who did all the heavy lifting.

Well, if Tanner hadn't driven by with that truck full of mattresses at just the right time, you'd be scraping me off the sidewalk.

I just had a feeling, you know?

Okay, has everyone in the scene talked?

Oh, I haven't, sir. But... now I have.

And we are up and running.

[Evil laughter]

Uh-oh. What's happening?

Uh-oh.

They're uploading something from our I.P. address.

[Sighs]

[Evil laughter]

[Computer beeping]

What the hell?

Uh-oh. This is all the stolen data from the Meet'N'Cheat hack.

Names and addresses of all the members on the site.

They're making it look like the LAPD is publishing it.

You said Agent Duran was in jail, right?

I took her there myself.

[Computer beeping]

[Warbling]