04x23 - There's No Crying in Softball

[bunniefuu]

Morning, everybody. Oh, muffin, cool.

Coffee, classic Tamra. Hey.

Someone's in a very good mood for a Monday morning.

What happened this weekend? Did one of your college friends get divorced or something?

Well, not too much, guys.

I did that Japanese decluttering thing, where you hold something and if it doesn't bring you joy, you throw it out.

Got rid of all my vegetables and an electric bill.

I thought you must be busy.

You weren't returning my texts.

A man my age can't go to an animated movie alone.

Guys, nothing happened. I was just having a nice, low-key weekend to myself.

It began with making some soup.

You know, I had my eye on this soup recipe.

Except it wasn't low-key.

Unless you're talking about Loki, the sexy god of mischief.

And I definitely wasn't by myself.

I was shacked up at Princeton with my man.

You know, pretty simple.

Mm-hmm.

Not too... okay, hello.

[sighs] Well, good times.

Ooh. Oh, yes.

[jazz music]

[yawns] Oh, yeah... oh!

Okay, all right, I'm in. Come on.

Really, it was just a boring weekend.

Me, by myself. Alone.

Hey, where'd everyone go?

Everybody left because your story was bad.

I know you always tell me to shut up and mind my own business, but why are you keeping this relationship with Drew so secret?

I don't get it.

I don't know.

I just decided that I didn't want to tell anyone yet.

Oh, oh, like, in case it falls apart, right?

I get it. Because of Dr. C and Joe.

And Bryant, and the Indian guy.

Neil was his name? Oh, the bartender, yikes.

That blew up.

God, Morgan, you're making me sound like such a slut.

Which I appreciate. But, I don't know, I kind of want to keep Drew a secret until I know it's really real.

I don't want to get embarrassed in front of my co-workers again.

[knock at door]

Hey, Doctor L.

There's a guy out here who needs you to sign for your, uh, weight loss suppositories.

Tamra, just say that I have a package.

What the hell?

[hip-hop music]

Good morning, everybody.

Anyone tell me what this means?

15% of us are going to hell?

Seems low.

Right, the answer is our patients are down 15%.

Well, it's apparent, what's happening here is we've lost all of Danny's patients since... the troubles.

Okay, can we not refer to my breakup as "the troubles"?

It's already what I call my period.

I don't know, did Danny leaving really have this much of an effect?

Well, Danny was our most senior doctor.

You and Jody are focused on your fertility clinic.

It's possible the patients are noticing a lack of stability.

Boy, I sure have.

What a mess.

Well, if we all stick together, and we all have each other's backs...

The next slide will explain it for me.

Ooh.

It's not a strategy, really.

Hey.

Okay, blah, blah, blah.

We're going to die in the street one day.

Doesn't matter. How about some fun news?

Yeah, that's right. Softball!

Saturday is the St. Brendan's interdepartmental softball tournament.

You're all in. No excuses.

So everyone who's not playing needs to support the OB/GYN Babymakers.

Hey!

Ohh, I'll be there.

No, I never miss one of Colette's sport games.

And Courtney's very excited to come, too.

Oh, great, Courtney's coming.

Great, Courtney. All I care about is that you're there, little lady, okay?

'Cause you always would show up when Dr. C would play.

You are a streaker. I need you to take them out.

Yeah!

Both: Take them out!

Ah, I wish I could.

You know I love streaking.

But I'm a single mom now, and I have the hardest job, which is caring for my little MVP, Leo.

Okay, I'm going to put you on the spot right now.

What is more important to you: this tournament that happens once a year with a bunch of doctors you don't know.

Mm-hmm.

Or your son?

Anyway, Danny has Leo this weekend so stock up on your Gatorade and earplugs for my snoring.

I am going to Princeton.

Yeah, but you know what I was thinking, you're always coming here to visit and I haven't even fixed my bed since the last time.

Why don't I come and see you in the city?

Oh, no, there's nothing really much to do here.

I mean, I guess there's a couple museums.

Guess we could, like, touch the wieners on the statues.

Well, we'll keep brainstorming, but I can't wait to see you.

Okay. Bye.

Colette, are you free for dinner tomorrow night?

Uh, sure Jody. What bib should I bring?

Lobster? Ribs?

Neither.

Courtney's reserved a table for three at Momofuku's new hamburger concept.

Personally, I think hamburger's concept enough.

Beef on a roll?

Oh, you... you know what?

Tomorrow, Morgan and I have dinner plans.

No, we don't. I never plan on having dinner.

That way I'm not disappointed when I don't get it.

Colette, you're going to turn down an invitation to Momofuku Hambergu? That place is b*mb.

Even Paul McCartney had a burger there.

He said he wants to eat there eight days a week.

I'm really looking forward to it.

Courtney has really opened my eyes to what New York has to offer.

What do you say, Colette?

[sighs] Fine.

But I'm coming straight from kickboxing, and I'm not changing.

Wonderful.

It'd be a great chance for you and Courtney to get to know each other better.

She's gonna change. You're gonna change.

[sighs] Dinner with Courtney. Barf me to death.

Colette, what's so bad about this girl?

What's she, a gold digger? Heartless?

Black skinhead? Which Kanye song best describes her?

[sighs]

I just hate how she's changed him.

I saw him the other day trying to meditate and it freaked me out.

He should be drinking.

You should be happy that your brother's finally dating a normal woman.

The least you can do is go eat a $16 burger and try to have a good attitude about it.

Sorry, I thought you said it's a $16 burger.

Yeah, that's b*mb.

You're going to turn down a $16 hamburger?

These nuts... this is my food for the month.

You want to suck?

There's still some flavor on the bones.

Is it chicken?

It's in the chicken family.

Yeah, I want it.

I totally get it. I'll come get Leo.

Okay, bye.

Hey.

Hi!

Hello.

How are you?

Great to see you.

You too.

Hey, I have some bad news.

My ex had an emergency.

So I actually have to take Leo tonight.

Oh, of course. Are you kidding me?

I love kids. They don't ask questions when I exaggerate my football career.

That's very sweet, but I thought that it was a little early to introduce Leo to you.

I'm so sorry.

No, oh, you kidding me?

No, I get it.

You do?

Absolutely. I-I will stay at a hotel, and we can just hang out tomorrow.

You're sure you don't mind?

No, no, not at all.

You know, you go, you do your PG night and then, uh, tomorrow, we'll go hard R.

Ooh, delicioso.

Hey. [laughs]

[engine turns over]

This burger's weird.

I hope that waiter comes back with my ketchup.

Actually, Colette, that wasn't a waiter.

That was the chef. He's very famous.

[scoffs] What's he famous for?

Getting ketchup real slow?

[clears throat]

At least this beer's pretty good.

Colette, that's a bottle of soy sauce.

Yeah, and it's good.

So, uh, Jody says that you and Morgan have a game night at your place.

I would love to come by sometime.

Oh, sorry. It's just medical professionals.

We mostly play Operation. It gets real technical.

Okay.

Oh, Colette, we have some exciting news.

Every year on the 4th of July, Courtney and her family take a cruise.

Doesn't that sound like fun?

Yes.

And this year we thought that maybe you and your family would like to come with us.

On the 4th of July?

Well, yes, this year they're going to the Galapagos Islands, where Charles Darwin endorses fanciful notions.

Jody, what about our family's 4th of July traditions?

Okay, okay, well, we don't have to decide right now.

Looks like we got the fireworks a little early.

[laughs softly]

Yo, chef!

How we coming on that ketchup?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

I just want you guys to know that after years of being blackballed by Dr. C, I am so honored to be a part of this team that I'm not going to let you down.

I'm certain you will.

I might.

All right, remember, everybody, by dedicating our lives to women's health, we're already champions off the field.

Mm.

But now we're on the field, and the only thing that matters is winning.

So let's win!

[all yell]

Hey, sleepyhead, time to wake up.

Oh, I've been up for hours.

Almost done with my workout.

Me too, so sweaty.

So, listen.

I am going to show you the best day of your life.

Whipped out my old New York City travel guide.

First, we're going to kick it off with a trip to Shea Stadium.

Okay, all right.

Um, no first we'll go to the World Trade Ce...

How old is this? Forward by David Dinkins.

You know what? Forget New York City.

We can just stay and have sex.

[cheers and applause]

Go, Colette!

Way to go, Colette!

Show them the Southern beast.

All right.

Let's close it out, Colette. Here we go.

♪ ♪

Strike three! You are out!

Get out of here! Whoo!

All right, everybody. One more out!

Yeah, that's right, Dunc.

Dutty Wine. Do the Rude Boy.

Do the Earthquake.

Duncan, Tamra, can you please return to your positions, okay?

We can work on this later. I have a BA in modern dance.

Thank you. Beverly, would you please put your water do...

Is that wine? Are you drinking wine?

Hey, man, it's my day off!

Oh, Jesus.

Just catch the ball if it comes to you!

Colette, let's close her out, okay?

Check it out, Jody. This next pitch once blew a girl's top off.

Okay, Colette, let's see some heat!

All right, I'm gonna bring that heat.

[laughing]

[laughing continues]

Ball one.

Come on. Come on, she's a freaking joke.

This is an easy out!

[laughing]

[crowd groans]

Ball two.

[sighs, groans]

[laughing]

Hey, Jody! You came to a softball game.

You might want to see a little softball.

Sorry, I was telling Courtney the plot of an E TRADE commercial that I found very amusing, but I'm watching.

[laughing]

Colette, come on. Easy out!

[laughing]

[screams]

Colette!

[phone rings, beeps]

Hey, Morgan, how's the football game?

It's softball, and terrible.

Colette got ejected 'cause she threw the ball right into Jody's girlfriend's face even though it was clearly an accident.

Aw, dang rules. Okay, bye.

No, no, no, wait, no, no. We need three women, and we're down to two, and one of them's loaded.

And I know that's a good thing in potato skins, but not softball.

We need you!

Me? Play softball?

Okay, not only do I not want to, I can't.

I'm hanging out with Drew. I'm meeting him

for breakfast at 10:00.

No, no, please, Dr. L, I need this. I need this.

This is the first time I've ever been included onto a team.

Please, it will take a half hour, tops.

You promise it's just a half hour?

I swear to God.

Okay, if it's only half an hour, I will go.

Oh, God. I owe you "Big" for this.

The movie. You lent me the DVD a while ago and... and I'm just remembering it now because it's another great thing you did for me.

Fine!

[screams]

Oh, my God!

No, stop it!

[phone beep silences screaming]

This is a disaster, Morgan.

It's a disaster.

Sometimes disasters are good.

"Poseidon," my favorite movie.

That's...

Ah! Oh, my God, there she is!

The perfect replacement, okay?

A-Rod's ego, Jeter's libido, Babe Ruth's love of hot dogs, right there.

No, no, no. This is our replacement?

She tripped twice on the way over here.

You know what, dude?

Hey, no, no, hey!

No, no, no! Same team!

You think you're so cool 'cause you have a beard now?

Easy, easy, easy!

We need you to go to right field, okay?

That's where they put all the losers.

Don't take offense, it's just a general sports term.

[cheers and applause]

We're going to do it together, me and you.

Take me down. We can do this.

Morgan! Stop talking to the ball!

Yeah, go ahead and bowl all ready.

Okay, fine. All right?

[crowd cheering]

[groans]

[scoffs] Slit my throat!

What the hell was that?

The wrong pitch. That was "Slugger's Delight".

This is "The Heater." Here we go.

[groans]

Oh. God damnit!

Maybe I should pitch. I'm an elderly woman who's never done it before.

Oh, I got it, all right?

Just give 'em "The Heater." Give 'em "The Heater."

[hip-hop music]

[groans]

Ah, a home run.

We should quit now, right? We're done?

[scoffs] This is my personal time out.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Bring it! Come on!

Strike!

Are you kidding me?

Are you blind?

[sighs]

Strike two!

Strike what?

Two.

Strike what?

Strike two.

That's strike one.

♪ ♪

You got to... you got to put on... you... you're just... you wear your normal hat.

[bat cracks]

[grunts]

But I prefer this. It feels safer.

[bat cracks]

Oh!

[bat cracks]

Oh! Aah!

Oh! Aah!

Damn it, Morgan!

[light applause]

Oh, God.

[cheers and applause]

Hey! Dermatologists!

What are you zit jockeys doing?

Popping pus?

Sorry!

Sun's too strong. This isn't safe.

Sunscreen's a lie.

Well, that's a forfeit.

I guess this means OB/GYN wins.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, my God! Congratulations!

Okay, I got to jet. Bye, guys.

Wait, wait, wait, Mindy.

You can't leave. Because we won we advance to the next round to play the orthopedics.

Yeah.

Okay, Brendan, um, I can't stay and I don't want to stay so that's like two ironclad reasons why I got to go.

Mindy, please don't make us forfeit.

I just need one piece of good news for my Christmas letter to Father.

I don't want to go home.

Smells like an old man in there.

If she can leave, I can leave.

No one's leaving. Listen, listen, hey.

If you stay, you can do whatever you want to me sexually, no rules.

Okay, good luck in your baseball game!

Softball!

Fine, let her go.

Bye, Judas!

Which one of you is Jody?

Obviously me.

It's a man's name. [sighs]

How's Courtney?

Uh, honestly, I've never seen a nose bent at that angle.

But it's only the second day of my residency.

Mm. Is there someone more experienced we could talk to?

Perhaps Dr. Fitzgerald or Dr. Yang?

They're all playing softball right now.

They won't let me on the team.

They said my hands are too shaky to play.

Oh, for f... Well, do your best, and I'll treat you to a root beer float.

[sighs]

Uh, again, it was an accident.

I swear That is a lie.

You have perfect aim. You're the only woman I've ever met who can use a urinal.

[sighs] Okay, fine.

I'm sorry. It's just that Courtney was distracting you.

You usually blow me a kiss before each pitch.

A pitcher needs that.

No, this is not about me. This is about you being miserable to Courtney from the moment you met.

Well it's hard to be nice to the woman who turned your brother into a different person.

You didn't even send our horse a birthday card.

You moved out because you wanted us to be more independent, and now you're mad that I am.

Mm-hmm.

Fact is, you'd hate any girlfriend I have.

[laughs] Yeah! Get over yourself.

I don't care if you have a girlfriend.

You can go on "The Bachelor" and date ten at once!

Even the r*cist one.

Though you have to wonder if that's just editing.

Colette.

Looks like the OB/GYN team has to forfeit.

I guess the doctor from Shulman flaked.

They're still around? I thought when Dr. Castellano left they closed up shop.

Closed up shop?

I don't think so.

First of all, ow, damn it.

Okay, I understand why you need to use the mitt now.

Second of all, Shulman & Associates is the best damn practice in the city, okay?

We still have three great doctors.

And a handful of colorful characters of varying usefulness, but we care!

Hey, we're sorry you heard that.

Yeah, well, you're gonna be sorry 'cause we're gonna kick your ass.

Hey, everybody! Get in a sports circle with your butts sticking out.

A huddle?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever, whatever, Hurry up, hurry up. Okay, guys, this is no longer about baseball.

This is about our reputations.

It never was about baseball. This is softball.

Are we playing softball?

Yes. [all agree]

I told you.

Okay, okay, okay.

It doesn't matter. We need to prove that even without Danny, our practice can still deliver wins the way that we deliver babies.

We always squeeze one out.

Hell, yeah.

We don't need Danny. He's not that great.

Don't tell him I said that, I-I have so few friends.

All right, so, you guys are going to go out there, you are going to show them what we got.

I am going to stand in right field and I'm going to be on my phone learning the rules of baseball.

All: Softball.

Okay. On three. We can do this.

Tr*mp in 2016.

[sighs]

And we got to win this hella fast, 'cause I am late to something.

One, two, three...

All: We can do this Carly Fiorina!

All right, we're gonna win!

[line trills]

Hey where are you?

I'm here at Serendipity, nursing a hot chocolate, but I got this little gaggle of ten-year-olds glaring at me for the table.

Yeah.

You're not gonna like this, but I actually got pulled into kind of an important work thing.

Oh, okay.

What, like a delivery or something?

Mm-hmm, mm. Mm-hmm.

All right, well, I'll miss you.

But, uh, guess that's just the life of a doctor, right?

[sighs] You're so sweet.

You... really, you'll be okay?

Yeah.

Probably just go work out again.

Definitely getting out of here, though, 'cause this little Elsa just hissed at me.

Oh, the good news, Courtney, is the doctor said in a couple years you'll be able to smell again.

Oh, thank God.

Hey, how you doing, man?

Drew, remember? From Princeton.

Oh, yes, Drew. The footballman.

Yes.

What are you doing here?

Uh, hi, Drew.

It's me, Courtney.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't recognize you.

Your face look different.

What?

Um...

Actually, um, I'm just here looking for Mindy. I'm in town visiting her for the weekend.

We're dating.

Uh, dating?

Uh, she never mentioned that.

Oh. [laughs] Well, we are.

No, I don't think so.

Yes, I just told you we are.

Agree to disagree.

No, I've seen her naked.

I don't know why we're talking about this.

I just want to get my prescriptions and go home.

Listen, I-I just have this bear claw here, I'm trying to surprise Mindy at work, do you know where delivery is?

Oh, Mindy's not in delivery.

She's, uh, playing a softball game in Central Park.

What?

[applause]

Okay, come on, guys. We can do this.

Let's show what we got, Schulmans.

[bat cracks]

Oh!

[cheers and applause]

Yes.

Come on, go, go go!

Oh, it went really far.

Okay, we'll give you that, but only 'cause you hit it out of the park.

Oh, sh*t.

All right, here comes "The Heater."

[cheers and applause]

Time out! Time out! Time out! Time out!

Mindy, there are no timeouts.

But when Jeremy gets a bee in his mask, the whole world comes to a stop?

Hey, it stung my face!

You're ruining the game!

Hey, look, I-I'm really sorry.

I did not mean to...

[panting] Give me a second.

I've actually never run that fast in my life.

Mindy, what's going on, okay?

Because I'm about to go back to New Jersey and never see you again.

Okay, I don't know if this is going to make any sense, but I've had a very rocky time of dating since Danny, and I-I just thought that if I didn't tell anyone about you, then it would be easier when this all blows up.

Well, yeah, but what if it doesn't blow up?

I mean, I've seen how terrible of a softball player you are, and I still really like you a lot.

How dare you. I'm amazing at softball.

My body's like "Field of Dreams."

If you touch it, you will come.

Did you think that was cool?

No.

Okay, look.

The truth is, I really like you, too.

And you're the first guy since Danny that I thought that this could be real.

And it's scary.

Hey, Jackée Robinson.

We're in the middle of an inning.

Can you please give me a break right now?

I-I-I need you to hurry up...

Stop!

Hurry.

I'm sorry, I should go finish getting annihilated.

Their players are running and touching the cushions, which is a point in softball.

That's not how softball works.

Oh, my God, you're a sports coach and we're sporting.

Can you please help us?

Well, you know, that means your friends would actually have to meet me.

Of course. Come on, help us.

All right, listen up, guys, okay?

Now, Mindy, when the ball's going over your head, don't backpedal, okay, it's too slow.

What I want you to do is turn, run, and look over your shoulder as you go.

Oh, my God, like at Coney Island when a seagull tries to take my churro.

Yep.

Who is this handsome person with leadership skills?

Oh, uh, he was just a stranger I found.

I don't really know him. I haven't seen his penis.

What? [sighs]

Okay, you. Listen, I'm seeing that you're having a little trouble getting that ball from second to first, right?

My arms are very weak.

That's okay.

I'm on a hunger strike against fracking.

All right, so listen, what I want you to do is square your shoulders, follow through, the ball will get there. Yeah!

You got this, Duncan. Yeah!

Now, Ledreau. You're not quite as fast as some of the others, so what if you try a sacrifice bunt?

[Run-D. M. C.'s "It's Tricky"]

Yeah! You suck!

♪ That's right on time it's tricky ♪

Ah! Ha! Ha!

♪ ♪

[both yelling]

Now, Morgan, I'm sorry to say it, but you're just not a natural pitcher.

Oh, my God!

But you're one of the most important types of players in baseball.

An obstacle, where all you need to do is be a physical barrier to home plate.

Stop him, Morgan! Stop him!

[groans]

[grunts]

You're out of there!

Oh, yeah!

You guys okay?

They're fine, Duncan.

All right, all right, let's see some hustle!

♪ ♪

Ooh!

Yeah, baby.

That's a strike.

That's two.

We need one more out, everybody. One more out and we win.

Let's do this!

[cheering]

Okay. Oh, no.

Go, Mindy! Go!

You can do this!

Hail Mary, full of grace.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Come on, babe.

Mindy! Don't you let that seagull get your churro!

Go, go, go!

[grunting]

[groaning]

No, she didn't, she didn't.

No.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Mindy.

[groans]

You okay?

She's okay. Where's the ball?

Oh! Ha! She technically caught it!

We won!

[cheering]

Are you kidding me?

No.

Turn her over. Turn the old girl over.

Oh.

Oh, my God, come here.

She needs mouth to mouth.

Hey, wait, hey, hey, hey, hey.

She's fine.

No, stop.

Please don't give me mouth-to-mouth.

All right, fine.

He's not going to give you mouth-to-mouth, okay?

I did it, huh?

You did great.

Yeah, but I-I do think I-I broke my ankle.

Both: Ooh.

Yeah, does this hurt?

Ow!

Oh, my God.

Why would you do that?

I don't know, I don't know.

Well, it doesn't look like the sprain is too severe.

Hm, unlike the b*ating you orthopedos took on the field.

Yeah, whose practice is falling apart now, bone gropers?

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, okay.

Easy, easy, my man.

Maybe you want to lighten up on the guy wrapping your ankle.

Please be careful, I'm sorry.

It's a good point, it's a good point.

Sorry for what I said.

Hello, Mindy..

In case you're wondering about the dual balloons, it's because I've been informed by my sister that we no longer go in together on token gesture purchases.

Hey, I heard that you helped our team after my rage blackout.

Who are you?

I'm Drew.

I'm Mindy's friend from Princeton.

He's actually my boyfriend.

Oh, I knew the whole time. I've known for weeks.

Didn't say anything.

Yeah, and I'm really glad you guys get a chance to meet him, 'cause he's a really nice guy, and he sacrificed his entire day in New York to come help us.

But I got news for you.

Tonight, the coach is going to be the one that scores.

Oh! [laughter]

Okay, that's good.

And he's gonna blitz that ass.

Hey, no more, please.

What, is that not okay to say about your boss?

Hey, do me a favor.

Get out of here.

I thought it was funny, but you should go.

I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go. Good to see you. Later.

Hey, how do you blitz an ass?

Oh, he can blitz an ass.

Is it, can I... is that okay to say?

Yeah, let's just stop now, though.

Okay.

That's good enough.

[John Fogerty's "Centerfield" plays]

♪ Put me in coach ♪
♪ I'm ready to play today ♪
♪ Put me in coach ♪
♪ I'm ready to play today ♪
♪ Look at me I can be centerfield ♪

♪ ♪