05x14 - Not So Great Grandma

[bunniefuu]

Yes! Finally a sh*t of your Grandma Bon-Bon without a glass of wine in her hand.

We're making your family tree, not your family vineyard.

Stupid paste.

Hey! Whatever you do, don't try to get it off with the other hand... then your shoe... then the wall. It's just a vicious cycle.

I'm just helping Emma out with a school project.

And from the looks of this, I think everyone will know the Wheelers are a pretty classy bunch.

Bam! Guess who just punched an 80-year-old for this baby?

Hey, if you're old enough to hit the sales rack, you're old enough to take a hanger to the head.

I will definitely be the hottest mom at the preschool's Family Night.

First of all, you're not Emma's mom, and second of all, we already voted, and it's Lacey's mom.

Hey, do we have any pictures of Nana Lyle?

My mother? God, no. She doesn't show up on film.

I love Nana Lyle.

Danny, how could you? You met her like four times.

She always sends me cards for my birthday and Christmas.

And that one time I got really sick, she sent a get well card, then I did!

She's magical. Why do you hate her?

I don't hate her. I just wouldn't be wrecked if she shriveled up and blew away.

So... want some help?

Pretty sure I can handle doing a two-year-old's homework on my own.

See?

Oh, hey!

You found a picture of me without a glass of wine in my hand.

Must've been pregnant.

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change directions ♪

(both laughing)

Okay. Play it again, play it again.

So, expect just a few clouds early in the day.

I'm Tucker Dobbs, the forecast machine on your TV screen.

Back to you, Pamela.

That's Tucker Dobbs with the weather.

Uh, Tucker, any big plans for the weekend?

Nope.

Back to you, Pamela.

Well, maybe you'll head to the beach?

I said, "Back to you, Pamela."

Well, it sounds like the weather's gonna be pretty nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's literally what I just said.

Time for you to do your job now!

Pamela: Okay.

Do not attempt to adjust your television screens.

Tucker Dobbs really is horrible.

Back to you, Bonnie.

Oh, I can't talk good. Back to you, Riley!

Hey! Hey! I told you guys to stop watching this.

All right, and it's not even my fault.

Nobody told me I had to chit chat.

You want spontaneous, you have to give me some warning.

Oh my god, you know what? I can help you with that.

I just signed up for this improv class to help with my courtroom repartee.

Totally my decision.

It's not at all forced on me.

100 percent everybody does it.

Okay, yeah, well, I don't even need to take improv class because I'm...

Well, the reason is... is...

Okay, maybe I do need to take improv.

We can sign up online at my place.

Hey, Mom, don't forget tomorrow is Family Day, so I'm gonna need you on time, sober, and dressed at least PG-13.

Mild nudity, got it.

But I also wanted to give you a little heads-up that we're gonna have at least one small addition to Family Day.

If your father brings his new wife, Steve, I get to dress R-rated.

And it's "hell no" to sober.

What? No. Nana Lyle is coming.

What have you done?

Well, you didn't have her picture, so I invited the real deal.

She needs to meet Emma.

Okay, okay, fine. Just make sure that you give me a little warning before she gets here.

Cancel your plans, boys, you've got a hot date with your Nana Lyle.

I brought a gift for Emma, but I didn't bring anything for you boys.

Wait a minute. What's this?

All: Yay!

Why am I not shocked they're all ones?

Oh my god, look at you boys, you're so beautiful.

And how's my little angel?

Oh, you know, I'm good.

I meant this one.

Okay.

The only angel you have is tattooed on your ass, sweetie.

Oh, you're just gorgeous.

Oh my goodness. She looks just like you.

And you look just like me, so, you're welcome.

(high-pitched) Can I see you boys for a sec?

You two wouldn't understand what it's like to have a terrible mother, because you have me!

But there are a lot of people out there who don't like their mothers.

Well, we...

Pick your battles, bro.

You need to get rid of her.

No. You need to suck it up or suck it in, or suck whoever needs to get sucked, so we can have a beautiful weekend where Emma gets to hang out with her wonderful great-grandmother.

She gave us cash, Mom, And you know that carries a lot of weight in this family.

Okay. Fine. But when Emma is emotionally scarred by that ice cap in spandex, don't blame me.

♪ Out came the sun and dried up all the rain ♪
♪ And the itsy-bitsy spider crawled up the spout again ♪

Wow. What a monster.

You never sang to me.

Shut up.

Okay, everybody, here we go, deep breaths and... ooh, let's warm it up.

It's banana time!

Form banana, form a banana.

Peel banana, peel a banana.

Go bananas! Go, go bananas!

What fresh fruit-themed hell have you brought me to?

I'm out.

Tucker, come on.

It's a great way for us to challenge ourselves.

Plus, it's non-refundable.

Come on in, guys, don't be shy.

I'm Stanley, your fearless guide to the wonderful world of improvisation.

In just one week, you'll learn to talk your way out of any situation.

Oh, cool. Can I get a refund on this improv class?

Cute.

Okay, everybody, we need to warm up our instruments, all right?

You're a slice of bacon, now sizzle!

(giggles)

Are you kidding me?

How is being bacon gonna help me be a weatherman?

God, Tucker, come on, just try it.

This bacon is guilty... of being delicious!

I already feel like a better lawyer.

Nice sizzle. Oh, come on... more sizzle.

More. Just sizzle!

Oh, you're in a pan and you're sizzling bacon!

Good. Even more!

I am so impressed with you boys owning your own bar.

I hope you set a limit on free drinks or somebody here is gonna gluggity glugg you right out of business.

Am I right?

(Danny and Ben laugh)

Ooh, oh, and what's that?

You just carry that around in the off chance you might need to strip paint?

Huh?

I am a sipper. Oh, add a "T" and an "R" to that, and we have your mother's first job.

Mom... you were a sippsterr?

Stripper, Danny. Mom was a stripper...

Mom, you were a stripper?

No! I was a model.

For who? Planned Parenthood?

Now, where's the ladies'?

Not sittin' here.

Right that way, Nana, take your time.

Whoa, she's just like you! I always wanted a second mom.

Now it's okay if we break one.

Please... I am nothing like my mother.

You're right. She gives us stuff.

Other than a bad time.

Look, just make it through this lunch, and you'll be done for the day.

Nana's grabbing Emma from preschool and taking her shopping.

What? You can't leave that woman alone with Emma.

Unless you think "How I got to Third Base with Sinatra" is an appropriate story for a two-year-old.

It's not.

And what's a "sippsterr"?

What's a Sinatra?

Next stop, fourth floor... handbags and old bags.

For the love of God, Mother, the girls are out of the barn. Zip up.

(elevator bell dings)

Hold my purse.

Mom? Mom? Mom?

Now you decide to answer my prayers?

I'm gonna get blamed for this, aren't I?

I don't understand. How do you lose an entire person?

She lost me in the grocery store when I was 10.

And accidentally drove off with a 20-year-old.

You guys were exactly the same size.

Well, you need to call the store and find her.

I did! I also went to the lost and found, and was very specific about what I was looking for.

About yay big, no soul, smells like gin, repelled by garlic, has no shadow, answers to "Hey, old bitch!"

Don't worry, she will call eventually.

With what? You have her purse and her phone.

Oh, you did this on purpose because you're jealous of her.

She's honing in on your grandma territory and Emma loves her.

Jealous? Of what?

She's a booze-soaked bottle blonde who's never met a man she couldn't bed or a bar she couldn't close down.

Wait, who are we talking about again?

Wait, guys, I really think we're nailing this improv thing.

Quick, give me an occupation and a location.

You're an annoying roommate with bad timing.

Got it. I'm Ben. I work at a bar, and I make all my friends babysit my kid.

Dude, that was spot on.

Maybe we should go work on our scenes, like... let's write some amazing stuff to ad lib.

Seriously, they own the joint.

So, drink up, Hanky, and then we'll get to the panky.

My god, there you are.

I was so worried about you.

Worried, casket shopping... same thing.

Hey, guys, pull up a chair.

This is my new friend, Hank. Hank, these are my sons, and this is my older sister.

Be cool.

Okay, let's grab a suggestion from the hat and see where this scene takes us.

Hey. Ah!

The location is the WNY-8 weather desk.

You guys, this is a good one.

This feels fresh.

Okay, guys, improvise!

What are the chances that a weatherman would need a lawyer?

I m*rder*d my co-worker Pamela for talking too much.

Well, perhaps I can help you win your case, because I'm an amazing attorney.

Stop! Stop, stop.

Did you two actually pre-write your scene?

Yeah, how else are we supposed to make it good?

Perhaps missing the point.

Let's try something else.

You two start a scene, and when you hear the bell, whoever spoke last has to change what they said... (dings) has to come up with something new... (dings) has to alter their lines.

(dings)

I don't charge enough for these classes.

Here we go.

The location... the moon.

Did you say "courtroom"?

Moon! Go.

Um, uh, don't open the hatch or we'll die!

I can't believe you ate the manual, and we can't fly home!

(dings)

What? That was a great line.

You have to do a new line when the bell rings.

Yeah, but my line was good, hers sucked.

Make her do another line.

(bell dings)

Oh, that's how we playing it?

(bell dings)

Ring it again. I dare you.

(rings bell)

I remember doing this with your mom when she was a little girl.

Well, then, I must've had a secret sister, because you sure as hell aren't talking about me!

Hi, Emma. Ready to take your family picture?

Gosh, you can see how much she really loves her grandma.

Great-grandma.

Actually not great, just old.

Not really grandma, either. More like an acquaintance.

Let's just call her Old Lady Acquaintance.

Let me hold her.

I was holding her.

Okay, how about we just let go of the innocent baby, all right?

I'm the grandmother.

I'm the great-grandmother.

You heard him, let go.

I don't want to let... oh!

Oh my god! Nana Lyle, are you okay?

It's Family Day, for God's sake, can't you just keep it together?

Me? What about her?

Well... obviously, I'm not wanted by my own family.

But that's all right... I'm just a poor old lady who hasn't been feeling very well lately and doesn't have much time.

You're dying?

No, my plane leaves tomorrow.

Nana, wait!

But...

What are you lookin' at, Parker?

Like you've never seen an old lady get her ass kicked before?

It's fine. I'll just go back home where I'm wanted.

But we all want you here, all of us.

Every single one of us.

Tell her, Danny.

Yep. Totally. All of us.

For sure, 100 percent. Just not Mom.

You know, I've just learned to laugh at all her craziness, so it's okay.

I'll wait 'til it passes, it always does.

Now I'll go say goodbye to Emma.

Oh, I wanna tell her my Sinatra story before I leave.

I don't know what's so hard about being nice to the person who gave you life. Mom's such as ass.

Okay... so what if I'm a lawyer who stuck in a washing machine, and I have to argue my way out?

'Ello, matey. Care for a dryer sheet?

I just ad-libbed all of that.

(Tucker laughs) Yes.

Hey, don't forget about our performance tonight, guys.

It's completely free, but there's a two-drink minimum.

Also, admission is 10 bucks. You know, I don't even know why I said it was free.

You know what, Danny? That's the answer.

We just need to get Mom and Nana in one place, and get them calm enough to have an honest conversation.

And they'll find a way to laugh it all off.

Okay, you take Mom and I'll take Nana.

Why do I always get Mom?

Because you're her favorite.

I didn't know you knew.

I always assumed, but now I know for sure.

I'm tired of being her favorite.

I know, but I've worked really hard not to be.

Danny.

Wait a second. This isn't a free, all-you-can-drink wine tasting.

What are you doing here?

What is she doing here? You said she wasn't coming.

What? Like it's the first time somebody was manipulated into being in the same room as you?

How is Dad, by the way?

Well, I for one, think we are all gonna laugh about this one day.

Soon. Hopefully real soon.

Hey, what do you say we all go out for a drink after this, and have a nice chat? Who's in? I know I am.

Oh, look, the show's starting.

(applause)

Thank you. And welcome, family and friends, to our student showcase.

My name is Stanley Dexenberry, though I'm quite sure all of you already know me... thanks to my one-man show, "Stanley Dexenberry, a One-Man Show."

Thank you.

Now, let's kick things off with the Director's Cut.

Can I have the name of a fairy tale?

Oh, right here, I know...

Cinderella. It's Riley's favorite.

Now, because our students are new, let's help them out and suggest characters for them to play.

How about a cold, distant mother, who never gave her daughter a moment of support?

So the actual character from Cinderella.

And for Riley?

How about an ungrateful daughter, who's always upset about something stupid and meaningless?

Why do I even try?

Okay, guys, let's improvise!

All I wanna do is go to the ball, and you won't let me.

I should probably get a lawyer.

The last time you went to a ball, you came home drunk and barfed in my car.

But tomorrow the sun will come out, and it should be in the low 70s.

It sure is nice to be spending time with the family.

Something I wasn't allowed to do before.

Here we go.

Here we go where?

Here we go rewriting history.

Honestly, Bonnie, I have done nothing but support you.

All I've ever wanted is to be part of this family.

I love the boys, I love Emma, I just don't know what your problem is.

Uh-huh. My problem?

You don't know what my problem is?

Well... here's a hint.

It's you.

You think you supported and loved me?

When? How?

Yes, mother, I got pregnant when I was 17, not exactly the highlight of homecoming.

But I did the best I could for a terrified teenager.

And what did you, my mother, do? Hmm?

You threw me out of the house.

Thankfully, Ray's family took me in.

But even that wasn't enough for you, was it?

I've had enough.

Oh, I am just getting started, old woman.

You didn't come to my wedding, because you said I was an embarrassment.

And then you simply disowned me.

Oh, I believe your words were, "You don't have a mother."

You refused to see Danny until he was four.

And then when Ben came along, you told me that I was ruining my life, and adding another dumbo to an already stupid family tree.

Oh, but the true icing on the crap cake was what you said to me when I told you that Ben was a father to a beautiful little girl.

Do you remember that lovely letter you sent, Ma?

Huh? "The rotten apple doesn't fall far from the rotten tree. He's a dummy... just like his mommy."

So guess what, you cold, heartless, liquor-filled excuse for a mother?

You don't get to have this family. It is mine!

Can we take a five? I'm gonna call my mother.

Mom. I'm sorry, we had no idea.

Why didn't you tell us?

I didn't want you to know.

What about all the cards and letters she sent us?

I sent them.

I was just trying to protect you from her.

And you did. I am so sorry.

You deserve a great mom, because you've always been one to us.

And don't worry about Nana Lyle. We don't need her.

Look... I know I'm not perfect, but I did the best that I could.

I didn't know how to raise kids.

Yeah, well... I didn't either. Right, boys?

The worst, absolutely terrible.

No idea.

Okay.

Look... I am gonna try to be the perfect nana to Emma, and put family first from now on.

(phone rings)

Oops. That's me.

Hey, Hanky Panky.

No, I'm not doing anything important.

See you in 20.

Well... this was a really good talk. I'll see you folks at home.

You were right, Mom.

You're nothing like Nana Lyle. We love you.

I love you both. So much.

Hey, should we go back inside?

Get out! Never come back!

(bell dinging)

No refunds! You fail!

I'll take that drink now.

I'm Tucker Dobbs.

And in rain, sleet, snow or hail, count on me, your weather male.

(laughs) I just improvised that!

Back to you, Pamela!

Thanks, Tucker.

And that is all that we have time for tonight...

Whoa! Whoa, whoa whoa, hold up now, Pamela.

What about a little chit chat?

Some witty banter, some ad libs, repartee?

Come on, now, hit me with a question.

I'm sorry, we're literally out of time.

Out of time?

How is that even possible? We're never out of...

(high-pitched tone)