01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Vernon (V.O.): For the record, I'm normally a really good driver. But when you're doing 90 in a stolen bread truck... while pouring a Jack and Coke.. For one of your female companions... well, hell, a truck that size can get just a bit top-heavy. But luckily, the good Lord gave me a sign... and when I plowed straight through it... it slowed us down just enough to keep us out of the creek. Well, most of us that is. Now hang on, I wasn't always just a joy-riding drunk. See, about 20 years ago... I was damn near the biggest thing in country music. Burnin' Vernon, yeah, that's what they called me... on account of my record burnin' up the charts. Those were the days, man. The women, the parties, the party favors. Some people don't take to fame. Me, I was made for it. Now, getting busted in some cheap motel... with every substance known to man... should only help the career of a young musician. But there was a little more to it than that.

♪ Daddy's girl ♪
♪ You got me got me got me now ♪
♪ Daddy's girl ♪
♪ Come on come on come on come on ♪

Vernon (V.O.): That son of a bitch... b*rned my record right then and there. Yeah, and once word got out... Burnin' Vernon took on a whole new meaning. And my career... went up in flames. But don't worry... oh, I'm still the king. Oh, yeah, been touring the country. I don't like to brag about it all that much... but I was voted number two Elvis impersonator... in all of Laughlin, Nevada. Burnin' Vernon? Ha, more like a hunka-hunka burnin' love! That oughta get you pretty much up to speed.

(CHURCH BELL TOLLS)

(POLICE SIREN CHIRPS)

What kind of a sick son of a bitch...?

(SIREN CHIRPS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Vernon (V.O.): Now that little incident... should of only cost me 30 days in jail. But I guess you could say... I'm pretty good at bein' bad.

Hey, fellas... what's...

What's the sleeping situation in here?

Take a top bunk.

You snore, you wake up on the floor.

Okay, I'm probably just gonna... make a pallet down here.

Hey, I know you.

Wait a minute... you one of Merle Haggard's... kids, ain't you?

That son of a bitch had a damn ton of kids.

Man, I love Merle Haggard.

Is that right?

No, man, uh, my dad and you... were best friends growing up.

His name's Robert Murray.

He played fiddle in your band.

No way, Walter... little Walt?

Yeah.

What the hell are you doin' in here, son?

Well, it's kind of a long story.

But a Sasquatch I caught... turned out to be an extremely hairy lumberjack named Dale.

I... I know that now.

Oh hell, classic Murray... you are a chip off... the old block.

You know that? Hey, look here.

I got somethin' I gotta show you!

This is gonna freak you out.

This right here, that's me and your daddy!

We took them bikes with us everywhere we went.

Where's my dad?

See that little blurry spot right there in the corner?

That's his thumb.

Do you got any with his actual face in it?

Guard: Hey, Vern, time to go!

Hey, I gotta run, my man.

We gonna catch up later, okay?

Hot tip... keep an eye on... this dude right here.

He stabbed the last guy... he was playing with for cheatin' on him.

That's a lie.

I stabbed him for winning.

We're cool. I usually cheat... to lose anyway.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCARF SWOOSHES)

Vernon (V.O.): Unfortunately, the police... impounded my car. Good news is all my clothes were still in the trunk. Bad news is they got the keys... and I can't afford to get her out.

This is unbelievable, man!

My stepdad and my ex-wife loved you.

Is that right?

We used to make so much sweet love to your cassette tapes!

Yeah, there's some sweet jams on there.

Oh, yeah, she was such a beautiful dancer.

We had an awesome time. She was so beautiful.

All gone... all right...

What do you got here, huh, kiddo?

You stole a bread truck and crashed it into a church sign.

And there were hookers?

In my defense, I was under the influence of a ton of dr*gs... and alcohol, at the time.

Atta boy!

You, sir, are a wild man!

Guilty as charged... yet innocent.

Yes, I love that!

But not everybody gets what you're all about.

You know what I mean? I do.

To me, you are freedom.

You're freedom, man.

All right, strap in, kiddo.

This one's gonna sting a little bit.

You are to remain in monitored probation... in the state of Tennessee for one calendar year.

Uh, that's not gonna work for me, hoss!

I'm hittin' the road in the morning... got a couple gigs down in Tunica... gonna make a little cash.

Ooh, I dig it.

But... there's more.

You owe 1000 hours of community service... in that church you wrecked.

1,000 hours? No way.

You also better get a job, with all the child support you owe.

Say what?

Child support... you owe a ton of it.

For your 15-year-old daughter, Charlotte?

Don't tell me you didn't know about this?

Vernon (V.O.): Finding out you got a daughter who's halfway to 30... can come as quite a shock. And after a brief phone call... with the mother of this child... I still wasn't convinced. So I figured I better just pop in and see for myself.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ I just got a message that said ♪
♪ Yeah hell has frozen over ♪
♪ I got a call from the lord ♪

You look like hell.

Well, hey there.

They didn't tell me I had two illegitimate daughters.

Cut the crap, Vernon.

Can I just see her? I mean, see if she looks like mine?

I mean... me, see the resemblance... you know what I'm saying.

Oh, she's yours... and you can see her... just as soon as you pay your child support.

It's a court order.

Why didn't you ever tell me I had a daughter?

You know, I thought you would say something stupid like that.

Just one second...

I sent you over a dozen letters.

And all you ever sent back were these cheesy head sh*ts... with your stupid motto.

"Follow your dreams." "Follow your dreams."

"Rock on, Debbie, follow your dreams."

Hey! You gotta cut me some slack.

My manager always handled my fan mail.

Fan mail?

Trust me, Vernon, you don't have any fans in this house.

Oh... he don't look rich.

I told you, it's royalty money.

Ah, he's British.

Vernon, Charlotte's dad.

Let me make something crystal-glass clear, Napoleon.

I'm King Dad around these parts.

You can bet your boat I'mma keep it that way.

I ain't got no boat to bet, amigo.

Exactamundo... hombre.

(METAL CLANGS)

So, you kind of owe me a small fortune.

Oh, come on, can't we work out some kind of payment plan?

Here's the plan.

You pay me $500 a week... and I don't throw your ass back in jail.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I need to get a gig, and fast. Good news is... when you got a number-one record under your belt... well, there ain't no bar in town would say no to that.

Hell to the naw! No way.

Tell you what, pal.

I'm gonna do you a favor.

This might just be your lucky day, son.

I'll play for two grand flat... and I won't even take a cut of the door.

Oh, you're gonna do me a big, old favor, are ya?

You're gonna do an about-360... and get out of my daddy's club!

You got some brass balls, boy, some big brass balls.

I'll give you that!

Earl, I'm uncomfortable with the way you stare at my crotch.

You took my daddy's vintage Smith and Wesson...

Jesse James revolver and robbed Whitt's Barbecue... at 4:00 o'clock in the damn mornin'... for a half a rack of ribs and some coleslaw!

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Coleslaw!

200 bucks and all the beer I can drink? What do you say?

Out!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I... I don't think so.

No.

23 cents short.

Think there's any way you could spot me a quarter?

Maybe you could see it in your heart to help an old boy out?

Who's down on his luck, but really needs a cold beer.

Ma'am, you don't know how desperately I need this beer.

Well, we might could work something out.

Oh, my God.

Uh-huh.

I may need two.

Vernon: One thing I know... the price of beer just went up. Now I gotta go check on that church I damaged.

Hello? Here to report for duty.

Be right with you now.

Well, we were having trouble finding anyone local... so we had to reach out to our sister ministries... found him out in Tulsa.

Ought to be arriving any day now.

I don't know what he looks like.

Pastor Johnson... well, $500 a week for doing the Lord's work... ain't nothing to turn your nose up at now.

That's right, $500 a week plus half the weekly coffer.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Sir, can I help you?

Is anyone there?

Oh, hey there!

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Yes, I'm blind, but I ain't deaf.

What can I do for you?

Uh... I'm your new preacher!

Yeah, I thought I better get over here... and see where I'm tending my flock.

She ain't much to look at... but the bed's comfy and, well... it's free.

Well, like the scripture says, brethren... it's easier to fit a free bed through the eye of a needle... than it is to get a camel through the gates of heaven.

And one more thing.

The county called and they sending over some jailbird... to work off his community service.

Ought to be here any day now.

Could be some swindler, or some chicken-shack gypsy.

If I were you, I'd keep an eye out on him.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Vernon (V.O.): If I'm gonna be the preacher... then I'm gonna need somebody else to be the convict. Fortunately, I got a plan.

Well, my day just got a lot better!

Why do I feel like I'm making a deal with the devil?

Look, man, you don't owe me a thing, okay?

Okay, thank you.

Why are you here?

Your daddy was my best friend.

When he d*ed, I just couldn't handle it... so I just up and split.

Then the record hit and everything... and I never came back to check on you.

I just want to say, I'm sorry.

Why are you really here, man?

I need you to go back to that church I damaged... and do my community service, so I don't get found out... being a fake preacher and have to go back to jail.

Got it.

You could have skipped all the other crap.

Where's your car?

That's another story, come on.

Rest of the tools are in the shed.

Can't wait.

I'm not doing any of this stuff.

Yes, you will.

Well, Pastor Johnson, I'm headed home for the day.

You good with this convict stickin' around till sundown?

Vernon: Yeah, I'll be fine.

Oh, before I forget! Keys.

That big one goes to the front door and that... little one goes to the closet... that holds all the communion supplies.

You mean, like old wafers and grape juice... that kind of thing?

Yeah, well we use a little table wine here.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God, there's ribs in here!

Hey, what's the difference between “Sell By” and "Best By"?

I always felt like “Sell By” was more of a suggestion?

Do you think she got my eyes?

Except for like... oh... oh...

I think she got my eyes.

No, no, her eyes kind of go, woo-woo!

And yours kind of go, woo... woo.

You don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Aw, my God.

You know, Vernon, you're not the first man I sent a sign to.

But you gotta be the first one to smash right through it... like some kinda drunken hillbilly, ha-ha!

Take the wheel, Special J.

Look out! Comin' in hot!

Look at this... preacher in the front, party in the back!

Quit hoggin' the ribs, man!

Oh, yeah.

All right, Vernon, if you want to earn your daughter's love... you're gonna have to change your heart... and learn hope, and love... and cool [BLEEP] like that.

You know what I'm saying?

Well said, E.

Dad'damnit!

I dropped sauce all over my robe!

Amen.

Come on, Walt!

Where are we going? I don't wanna...

Come on, back out.

I'm taking this with me.

Charlotte: Hey, Mom, I'm headed out.

Okay, home by midnight, right?

Right, and remember, if Mabel's mom calls... we're braiding each others' hair and watching a G-rated movie.

I got it.

I love you.

I love you.

Hey, I'm gonna need you home by 10:00!

Not gonna happen, Ronnie.

My house, my rules!

Not your house, Ronnie.

Squatter's rights!

You're not a squatter, Ronnie.

The hell, I ain't!

All right, I'm ready to meet my daughter.

What are you gonna say to her?

Ronnie: Byways and highways and greenways of America...

I'm a born squatter!

And no drinking, young ladies!

Because I'll know. Nothing gets by Ronnie... nothing!

I got eyes in the back of my head!

Whoa.

Did you see her?

Oh, I'm almost out of ribs.

Are you okay, man?

She's like a full-grown woman... I made that.

Okay... we should probably get some food.

You got it, hoss... one more, bartender.

Double sh*t, please.

I gotta preach in the morning.

(SNORING)

(GOAT BLEATING)

Walt! What time is it?

I don't know, the truck's dead.

It's like 8:30.

Aren't you supposed to fake preach today?

Sh...

(GOAT BLEATING)

Is that a goat?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on!

♪ Son of a bitch give me a drink ♪
♪ One more night ♪

Thank you.

♪ This can't be me ♪
♪ Son of a bitch If I can't get clean ♪
♪ I'm gonna drink my life away ♪

(CHURCH BELL TOLLS)

♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ♪
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh ♪

Just go on without me.

(CHURCH BELL TOLLS)

Whew!

Okay, you can do this, man.

Just go out there and fire these people up.

Just another stage and you know how to own it.

Curtis: I appreciate the pep talk, Pastor Johnson...

But I'll be just fine... been playin' the organ since I was a boy.

Can't wait to hear what you say to the people today, though.

Me, too.

I may have ate too many wings... too many wings.

Walt: Aw, hell, the real preacher?

Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Vernon (V.O.): I'm starting to realize... fate has a sense of humor. One minute, you're passed out in a creek bed, half-naked... and drunk, then, hocus pocus... you're preachin' to the congregation.

Mornin'.

Good morning.

I've been thinking a lot about what to say... this being my first morning to preach for y'all.

And all of a sudden, it hit me... that old saying... the truth will set you free.

Vernon (V.O.): I guess it's time to face the music.

You got to have faith!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

You got to have love!

Amen! Amen!

You got to reach out and take the spirit by the bells... and ring 'em!

Hallelujah!

♪ To introduce myself I'm a man of wealth and taste ♪

Vernon (V.O.): Hah! Ain't nothing to worry about. Well, this ain't no different than playing Elvis... for a packed house. I've been in the darkness for so long... I know exactly where to find the light. Oh, yeah. Well, I hope these people are ready... 'cause I'm about to rock... the devil outta this little white church. I'm gonna have them hangin' on my every word. Now if I can only figure out what to say. Oh, shi...