01x02 - Preach On

[bunniefuu]

Oh, sh...

Whoa!

Uh, Curtis, why don't you kick us off... with a little musical inspiration.

Nice and loud now, Curtis!

Sorry, I didn't mean to bump into you like that.

Whoa! Slow down there, fella!

I don't know if that's how you greet your new minister... around here, but I'm late for...

I just think... you do not go in there.

Would you please step back!

I want y'all to close your eyes.

Close your eyes tight now, and don't look up... and meditate on a time that you may have hurt someone... even if by accident.

Don't look up! Curtis, that goes for you, too!

You play it by ear.

I got this.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Sorry about the confusion there, Pastor, you gotta forgive us... we've had a rash of fake ministers... coming through this area pretending to be preachers.

They're robbing these little churches blind.

Wow, unbelievable.

Yeah, it is.

I used to wrestle in college.

So sorry about that, son, I got carried away.

If you want to be technical about it...

I'm the one that got carried away... and then thrown on the ground.

Actually, I think I might have a mild concussion.

Well, I guess I'm out of a job, hah.

Say, hoss, did they happen to mention where you're stayin'?

They told me a parsonage would be available.

Oh, I knew they'd drop the ball.

That place is bein' fumigated; huge rats.

Oh, well, I guess...

I got an idea! How about you get a motel for the night?

We'll get together tomorrow for a bite and we'll get you... settled in proper, okay?

You drive safe. Keep God in your heart.

See you around.

Well, that was easy.

So what looks good to everybody?

Well a lot of things lookin' good, honey... but how about we start with a round of beers... and see where it goes from there.

What do you say, Joe? A toast to new acquaintances.

Hah, no, thank you, Pastor. I'm not a big drinker.

The big man may not approve.

Plus, between you and me, alcohol makes me crazy.

Well, we all get a little crazy on the sauce.

I'm serious. I go really crazy.

Okay... let me give you a sec.

That's part of the reason I joined the seminary.

Right... Walt, I think I gotta take a leak.

I'm good.

What?

Hang with me.

Jeez.

Listen, I'm just spitballin' here... but what if we get him crazy drunk... get him around some strippers and other debauchery... take pictures of him, and then tell him we're gonna pass... them around town if he doesn't split?

You mean blackmail.

No! We're not monsters.

I just mean, if we had some pictures... that show him doing non-preachery stuff... he might not want that kinda thing out there... for everybody to see.

Right.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(SHOES SQUEAKING)

Hey, buddy.

All right, you guys still need more time?

How are your Long Island Iced Teas?

Waitress: Oh, they're a house favorite.

I hear Long Island makes the best tea.

Then I'll try one of those, please.

All around!

Okay.

Man #1: Hey, it's Onboard With Ronnie!

Turn it up.

Man #2: This guy is such a moron.

Welcome back to another exciting, new edition of... "Onboard with Ronnie," a show for boating enthusiasts by a boating enthusiast... myself, Ron...

The hell happened?

Heh-heh, it looks like the power went out.

Debbie: Ronnie! Why's our friggin' power out?

I gave you money, did you pay the bill?

Well, I didn't not pay it...

'sides, we're about to be flush with child support cash.

Ronnie, I asked you to stop buyin' fisherman crap... for your kids show!

This is a lifestyle program for consenting adults.

Adults? Do you know what adults do, Ronnie?

They stay in budget and they pay their bills.

Well, this show will be cost lucrative... the moment we get some sponsors to serve...

Yeah, I've gotta go pay bills. up some sponsorin' dollars!

Electricity turned back on... and be the adult in this relationship, yet again!

You need to get onboard the sponsor ship!

Debbie: You're a loser!

Say, I think these teas have some spirits in 'em.

I don't mean the holy kind, am I right?

(PHONE VIBRATES)

They're delicious!

I better take this... preachin' emergency. Hello?

Your child support payment was due yesterday, Vernon.

Who is this?

DEBBIE (OVER PHONE) Very funny.

You know what, you can just bring it... to the Child Services meeting today.

The what meeting?

DEBBIE (OVER PHONE) With the social worker?

Vernon, it's all in the parenting plan.

We need to make sure you're fit to be around Charlotte.

VERNON (OVER PHONE) Oh, come on now.

We don't need to involve the kid police!

30 minutes, don't be late... unless you wanna lose your visitation rights.

Can't we just talk about this over dinner or drinks?

29 minutes, Vernon.

What's going on? Everything okay?

Debbie's pissed. I gotta go take care of this.

I need you to stay here with Joe and stick with the plan.

Walt: How am I gonna do that?

Just get the pictures we need, I'll take care of the rest.

(SLURPING DRINK)

Say, Joe...

Walt was just telling me he's really lookin' forward... to showing you around town... drinking lots of tea, and not going back to church.

That sort of thing.

Yeah... said all that stuff.

Cheers!

I do pay my bills, my boyfriend...

You know what? Can you just get it turned on today?

Thank you. You're late, I said 30 minutes.

Here you go, first payment.

In full, I might add.

You know, if you want this to go well... you better start following the rules.

Only one rule I follow, Debbie.

Never drink free coffee.

Hey, don't worry so hard.

I'm not worried, I'm not the one in question here.

If this didn't go well... it's you that doesn't get to see your daughter.

Now wait a minute, I thought I was just here... to talk to some paper-pushin' kid cop.

Mr. Brown... mule?

Uh, yes, ma'am, call me Vernon Brown.

What happened to the “mule”?

Brown's just my stage name. Mules don't sell tickets.

Apparently neither does Brown.

Hi, I'm Debbie Lynn Cooke, I'm Charlotte's mother.

Right, I'm just seeing Mr. Brownmule today.

I know, I'll just sit quiet.

I just want to make sure you don't miss anything.

I've been doing this for 26 years. I don't “miss things”.

Okay, okay, Miss Thing!

She wound a little tight.

Are you ready to go on a musical journey of epic proportion?

Here's the thing...

No, Party Break is still playing, so if we hurry... we can actually...

Hi!

You brought... siblings!

Lots and lots of siblings.

(PLAYING SLIDE NOTE)

Hey, kids!

Yeah... just gotta make a quick stop on the way.

It's a music theme sleep-over.

And that's when you started impersonating Elvis?

Yeah, and I would have won first place, too... if it wasn't for this one fella, Zelvis.

Yeah, Zelvis, that was his real name, believe it or not.

A name like that is child abuse.

His parents are lucky they never came across my desk!

Okay, I know I said I would just sit quiet... but you haven't asked him one question about parenting.

Excuse me?

Uh-oh.

Ask him about jail, or why he's been gone for the past 15 years.

Ask him about the sheriff's daughter... or give him a drug test at least.

I'm here to judge his moral fiber, not his past.

But, now that you have my attention... why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?

I mean, I'm not on trial here.

Is it just you and Charlotte in the house?

That's a good question.

No, but, um, that's not important.

Oh, please don't tell me you're one of those mothers... who moves her unemployed boyfriend in... with an impressionable child.

Child Services frowns very heavily... on those kinds of living situations.

Well, he... he has a job... of sorts.

Is that so? Please elaborate.

He's very passionate about boats... and so he has this boat show... but that doesn't really bring in...

I don't... some...

Years ago, there was this fajita incident... and they were really hot.

It's okay, Debbie.

What she's trying to say is... things have been a little slow with me and work... and Elvis impersonators...

'cause I've kind of been out of rotation.

Oh, you mean the two of you are...

You got it!

Busted.

We've moved back in together and, uh...

I'm trying to patch things up.

Actually... our house has never been more normal!

Right, baby?

Our house is just... it's so loving.

I'm coming over for a home evaluation.

I will see you at 6:00.

Okay.

What the hell was that?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Move it or lose it! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Let's go, let's move it! Come on!

Go, go, go, let's do it! Come on, go, go, go!

Let's go!

Whoo! Let's go!

Where can we get some more of this “sweet tea”?

Well, if you like that sweet tea... you should try the tea at Robert's Western Worl...

No way! Wrestling!

Babe, you seen my track pants?

What, those stinky sweatpants? They're in the wash.

Uh, sweat pants are for quitters.

I wear track pants, because I maintain an active lifestyle.

You can ask my Fitbit.

Okay, well, can you and your Fitbit please go...

'cause she's gonna be here any second.

Honey... I'm home!

You need to learn to knock... when you enter another man's home, pal.

Hey, man, how far can you stretch that thing?

Farther than you. Check it out.

I meant to do that... because I hate lamps.

Damn it, Ronnie, can you please go?

We need her to think that Charlotte lives... in a healthy environment.

Healthy? I bleed health! Why should I not be here?

Are you willing to wear a shirt?

I'll be with the boys.

And if you so much as touch my nautical relics...

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

I'll put my foot so far...

(LAMP PIECES SHATTER)

Welcome to our home!

What's all this mess?

This is my craft business. I Re-Dazzle things.

Re-Dazzle?

Well, some Bedazzlers' work is pretty sh... shoddy.

Mine don't come off.

And who buys this sorta thing?

I don't want to drop names... but I'm with some up-and-coming entertainers.

Oh.

And schools, a lot at schools, with you know... marching band uniforms, cheerleader outfits... pep rally flags.

And I've been working on building up my online business.

Fancy.

Well, I'm saving for Charlotte's college tuition.

Mm-hm.

Never too early to be thinking about the future...

I always say.

Well, I would hardly call this early... she's three years away from college.

How often is your house cleaned?

Listen, lady...

We had to let the maid go... because she was sleeping with the butler.

Oh, you're somethin...

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, we made it!

Thank you! We're Party Break! Good night!

Dallas: You guys were awesome, thank you!

Thanks for coming out.

Yeah, thank you for coming out tonight!

Thanks, guys!

Good night!

Yeah, and if you guys want to come out...

I'm playing a solo show next Thursday... down at the Gulc... hello? Is this... any...

Just come on out. Okay, it's fine.

That's it. We missed them.

Mabel!

Hey, you dropped these.

Oh, thanks.

I was actually trying to toss them to your friend.

Oh, she doesn't play drums.

Oh, weird, I thought for sure you were a drummer.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

Thanks.

Wassup?

Energy drinks, beef jerky, I don't know what that was.

Not very impressive for a healthy diet, I'm afraid.

There's usually more vegetables and healthy options in there.

Oops! That's on me. I love fruits and vegetables.

Plus, I've been going through food like a Tasmanian devil.

And workin' out. Feel this thing right here.

Oh! You may want to train a little harder.

Oh, look who turned out to be a comedian!

Hah, you're a regular riot!

Hah.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Ladies and gentlemen... we have another challenger.

If he can last two rounds with the champ... he will take home $200!

Hey, man, isn't this stuff usually choreographed?

I'm gonna sharpen up my teeth and eat you for dinner!

Okay, he seems insane.

Ladies and gentlemen... if the challenger can b*at the champ... he would take home the whole purse of $2,000!

Never mind, kick his ass.

Okay, guys, let's have a clean fight.

That means you!

You're dead!

You ain't gonna b*at me! I'm the h*nky-Tonker!

It's time to die!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh!

One, two, three!

Son, what's your name?

Well, I'm Preacher Joh...

Ladies and gentlemen... The Preacher!

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Praise the Lord!

This is great.

Thanks.

Yeah, I especially like that thing on Faux Ferocious.

Yeah, they're really good, but you're good, too.

You've heard us?

Yeah, Rave Planet is ma' jam.

I don't say that, I don't have a "ma' jam."

You know, I actually wrote Rave Planet.

Oh, cool. Deep stuff.

Look, I'm not just your clichéd, super-attractive drummer.

I actually have a really sensitive, party-song side.

It's almost 10:00! We gotta go now!

Asher is el fuego! Did you see his eyes? They looked at me!

Mabel... Mabel!

Bye, Dallas, it was nice meeting you! Party on.

I will party on. Hey, you coming next week?

I... wouldn't miss ma jam!

Is this her room?

I mean, this is her room.

And where does she study?

Uh, she does a bit of studyin' on that desk right over there.

This desk with all the clothes on it?

Yeah, uh, she studies there when she's not folding clothes.

Oh, and how are her grades?

If she's anything like her...

She does great in school. She's such a gifted writer.

She is?

Her voice is so... funny and original, and she's so brave... willing to put herself out there.

God, so much more so than I was at her age.

I don't know where she gets it.

It's nice to hear a parent be so proud.

Oh, my God!

I forgot she had all these k*ller albums.

I mean, look at this! John Prine, this is a classic!

You know, she knows sound.

You know she always says that analog sounds better, you know?

Well, she's right about that.

Okay... um, I think we're done here.

Is it okay if I ask how we did?

Well, uh, I have to admit... after hearing the way you talk about her... it's clear you're doing something right.

You sure are.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC FADES UP)

It's time for you to go.

Whoo! Three girls?

Yeah.

Holy crap.

You realize, if we go through with this... it could ruin his life.

Hey, I like the guy, too.

What are we gonna do?

Stick with the plan, blackmail the son of a bitch.

Morning, beautiful day isn't it?

Pastor... convict.

Showtime.

How are you feelin' today?

I don't remember.

Before we go any further...

I think you better have a look at these.

These are... incredible!

Can I get a set of these?

Uh... sure... but aren't you worried about what your flock's gonna think... when they get wind of your drunken, illicit... wrestling shenanigans?

Pastor, I done a lot of soul searching on this... and I know who the Lord wants me to be.

Will you extend your interim preaching period... so that I can go to Wrestling Academy... and pursue my dreams of becoming a wrestling star?

You mean, you want me to stay the preacher here?

If it's not too much trouble.

Follow your dreams, hoss. I got your back.

I won't forget this! Thank you!

Oh, almost forgot.

Your cut of last night's winnings.

After all, you were my ring man.

I get half of that.

Thank you, ma'am.

We got her back, hoss!

I brought her my album.

As much as she loves vinyl... she gonna love this.

Plus the fact, knowing that her old man... had a bonafide smash record.

She gonna think that's pretty damn cool!

Then I'm gonna offer her a ride home.

When she walks up, maybe just climb over the back seat... like cool guys do in cool movies.

I can do that.

Hey, I think that's her!

Wish me luck!

Good luck!

Hey, Charlotte!

Oh, my God, keep walking, keep walking...

Hey, Charlotte! Over here!

Hey. Yeah, I can see you.

I know we never met before, but I just wanted to say hello.

See, about 15 years ago...

I know who you are.

Just wanted to introduce myself.

Who's your friend?

Uh, this is Mabel.

Mabel, this is my other X chromosome.

It's nice to meet you.

You know, I was thinking that maybe...

I could just give you a lift home.

I don't take rides from strangers.

That's good, you never should, I mean.

I mean, it's good that you know that, it's important stuff.

Do I have to stay in the back?