01x05 - Going to Jail Party

Episode transcripts for the 2016 TV show "Uncle Buck". Aired June 14 - July 5, 2016.
"Uncle Buck" - based on the 1989 movie of the same name - follows a fun-loving but irresponsible guy who needs a job and a place to stay. His nieces and nephew’s Nanny has just quit and his brother and sister-in-law need his help.
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01x05 - Going to Jail Party

Post by bunniefuu »

Where's Miles? He's missing breakfast.

Maybe he's upstairs, studying.


That's always funny.

Right? Well, who gets his waffle?

Ah! Prison rules!

Hey, Miles, hurry up and get down here before Buck licks your bacon!

Ah, too late. [Laughs]


Miles: Do we have any more helium?

More helium?


Oh, damn.


Maizy: [Gasps] Look. It's the old man from "Up."

Miles, stop! What are you doing?

Wait, Mom. Let this play out.

Well, we had the extra helium left over from Maizy's birthday, so I thought balloon chair would be great for my YouTube channel, "Going the Extra Mile with Miles."

Sounds good, but you should call it "The Miles High Club."

Not even a little appropriate.

Miles, what were you thinking?

I was thinking I'd like to see the curvature of the earth, or at least Lake Michigan.

And how were you planning on getting down?


Okay, I'm gonna say something I've said a shocking number of times...

"Hand me the Kn*fe, son."

Oh, hell no. That's my Kn*fe.

Gi... Hey!

Baby, listen to me. You cannot do things like this.

It's too dangerous.

She's got a point.

Tia, go get me a chair. The boys needs a co-pilot.

No! Nobody's flying today.


Miles, go upstairs.

We'll talk about this in a minute.


Honey, what are we gonna do with him?

Well, we need to have another boy.

'Cause the way he's going, the Russell name is gonna die with me.

Oh, no, I'm sure there are a couple little Bucks out there.

You can't prove that.

There's a lot of black people with this nose.

Can you excuse us for a minute, please?

I think I can.

So, I guess we can thank your brother for yet another near catastrophe.

What are you talking about? This isn't Buck.

Miles has always been impulsive.

He has gotten worse since your brother's been here.


[Torch hissing]

What are you doing?

We're doing indoor s'mores.

Yeah, the torch was my idea.

It's like they feed off of each other.

Okay, maybe Miles is going through something and, yes, maybe I have thought about increasing our insurance, but this has nothing to do with Buck.

Alexis! Toss me my Kn*fe.

The handle side, though. [Laughs]

[Clears throat] Whoo!

Whoa! Denied, fool!

[Laughs] C'mon, man. You got to give me that one.

You the man.

What, you upset about your balloon chair?

Yeah. I mean, Mom and Dad just got so freaked out.

Well, that's their job. If you die, they get arrested.


Down in Atlanta, I was a legend.

People did not know what I was gonna do next.

But down here, nobody knows who I am.

I get it. Trying to build a rep, ain't you?

Yeah, exactly.


Tia's perfect, and Maizy's so cute that if she farts, everybody goes, "Aww."

I mean, being unpredictable is my thing.

Preach, little brother. Preach. Let the haters hate.

Finally, someone around here understands me.


Thanks, Uncle Buck.

I'm glad that you're living with us.

Aw, man. Me too. You know what?

Between your balloon chair and Maizy's little farts, you kids are pretty entertaining.


Alexis: Okay, guys! Let's go. It's line-up time. Come on.

I'm gonna step out. Line-ups never sway my way.

Now, before we go to parent-teacher meetings, does anyone have anything they think we should know?

We don't want to hear any surprises.

Depends. Do you find the words "straight A's and exemplary compliance with the school code" surprising?

Oh. You know I don't. That's my girl!

Look for my drawing.

Some of the kids say it's a masterpiece, but I don't do it for the applause.

I'm looking forward to it.

You know, I've been a big fan of yours since your stick-figure period.


Alexis: Uh, Miles, you're not looking at me.

Is there something you want to tell us?

You know what? Skip mine. It's boring.

You two should go to dinner, reconnect as a couple.

I hear there's a great new tapas place on Randolph Street.

Uh, y-y'all go and get out of here.

I'll make sure they don't have no fun.


Why are you hugging me so hard?

Because I may not want to when I get home.

You ready, honey?


Let's go. Bye, kids!

[Door closes]

I'm so grounded.

You stay in trouble. What'd you do?

[Children screaming]

Today on the "Extra Mile with Miles," we're gonna settle the age-old question...

Who's faster, the rat from the biology lab or the first-grade hamster?

[Hamster chitters]

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Go, go, go, go, go!

Come on! Go, go, go!

[All scream]

Oh, no! The rat's eating the hamster.


Ooh. That took a turn.


But it's still going the extra mile with Miles.

[Indistinct panicking]



So that's what happened to Sprinkles.

The rat went rogue.

You're cooked, Miles.

Say goodbye to outdoors, desserts, your homemade nunchuks.

And maybe think about what you did to Sprinkles.

Yeah, they right. You're going to the hole.

But that don't mean we can't do it big tonight.



What are you talking about?

I'm talking about a "going to jail" party.

That's what you do the night before your homeboy gets locked up.

You show them a good time before you doin' time.



Man, I want to go to jail!

And the wonderful lessons continue.

Sprinkles lost a lot of blood, but he's on the road to recovery.

Eventually, the rat race gets us all.

Am I right? [Chuckles awkwardly]

Okay, it's too soon.

We're finding that Miles kind of lives in the moment.

He doesn't think of consequences.

Well, you know, we're going through some changes at home, and he is 12 years old.

There's lots of hormones splashing around in there. [Chuckles]

Well, it can be a difficult time.

FYI, parental body-shaming at this age can have lasting negative effects.

So you might want to watch that.

Oh, no, I wasn't... We don't body-shame.

We actually don't even talk to him about his body at all.

So he's often left to figure things out on his own?


Now, do you two argue in front of Miles?

I'm sure we've had disagreements in front of him. - Mm...

But nothing big. Like, no yelling or screaming or anything like that.

Right, honey?

No. No, no. We don't scream or yell.

If we feel like yelling, we just stuff it down and get silent.

You're doing an awful lot of writing, there.

Just making a few notes for my files.

Nothing to worry about.

Oh, I'm not worried.

Did you just write that I'm not worried?



♪ All I hear ♪
♪ Money overturned... ♪

[Video-game noises]

Uncle Buck, this is amazing.

I'm playing two video games and drinking hard soda.

Go ahead, drink another Red Bull.

You ain't got to drive.

Tonight's all about the stuff that you're gonna lose when the warden gets home.

Can I swear?

Within reason.


Ooh, that's the sweet spot.

Can I say the "S" word?



Oh, I like that.

You zigged, then you zagged.

Are you sure this party is a good message to be sending Miles?

You don't know what it's like to be a teenager that gets in trouble all the time.

I do. And I'm here to tell you...

I'm your ghetto Jimmy the Cricket.

It's "Jiminy," and I don't think he lived in the city.

Look, I think you're going about this all wrong, and I don't want to be a part of...

[Upbeat music playing]

Hey, that's my jam!



That's what I'm talking about.

But that doesn't mean I'm endorsing this party.

Oh, okay.

[Volume increases]

Miles, it's too loud! It's making my heart att*ck.

Turn it up louder... louder!

So people hear it and know where the party's at, right?

Yes, sir. The party's over here, dude.

[Snaps fingers]

No, sir, there's no party over here.

We're having a "going to jail" party.

Uh, don't pay no attention to her.

She's 6 and drinks out of a sippy cup.

Just keep it down, because if we come back again, we'll have to issue a citation.

Uh, who snitched?

Sorry, sir. We're not allowed to divulge that information.

All right. Have a good day.

That's our creepy neighbor, Mr. Creepy Neighbor.

[Car doors close, engine starts]

I named him.

He's been a jerk ever since we moved here.

He puts all of his leaves in our yard.

Plus, he kicked down our nativity scene.

He broke Baby Jesus.

Together: That ain't right.


One of the other parents just told me Mrs. Lin is taking psychology classes at the community college.

Can you believe that?

Furthering her education?

Who does she think she is?


Let's get the torches and drive that witch out of town.

Not funny, honey.

Her amateur analysis could end up on Miles' permanent record.

I really don't think it's that big of a deal.

It is a big deal. Maybe that stops him from getting into college.

And then he befriends a criminal and they do robberies together.

And because Miles is smart, it goes well at first.

But then the dumb friend turns on him, and he gets arrested, and ends up on "Dateline," which is such a guilty pleasure, but I don't think I would enjoy that episode.


I'd tell you you're overreacting, but I think you know, right?


I just know that we need to go in there and straighten this out.


You're right. You're just gonna slow me down.

Look, Alexis, I know where this goes.

You're just gonna end up having a confrontation and we're gonna end up writing apology letters for a week.

Not true. I'm just gonna go in there and have a little chitchat with her and work this whole thing out.

No, Alexis, come back.


Ale... Alexis!

What's happening?

Damn, I never lived any place where you call the police and they actually come.

Oh, well. I guess the party's over.

It was fun while it lasted.

No. We cannot let him get away with this.

Creepy Neighbor is making us all look like punks.

The police have already been here. It's done.

If we do anything else, next time, we're gonna get tased.

Honey, they don't tase us.

Now, your brother's right about the Russell family reputation.


Uh, yes, really.

Look, let me give y'all some street knowledge.

When someone hits you, you got to h*t 'em back twice as hard, or they'll be coming back.

They'd be riding past your mama's house, school...

That doesn't sound very smart.

It's not smart. It's called revenge.

Yeah, we're gonna be dumb.

Both: [Chanting] Dumb! Dumb!

That's right, kids.

[Chanting continues]

That's what I'm talking about.

This is really dumb.

Then why are you here?

Because I want to see something dumb.
[Doorbell rings]

[Door opens]


Target is locked.

[Stifled laughter] Release the hound.



[Groaning] Ohh!


Okay, she's on a break. Let's go.

That's not going.

That's the opposite of going.


The files are right here.

I just want to take a quick peek and make sure she didn't say anything bad about our son.

You can't look through her files.

This isn't an episode of "Castle."

[Whispering] Honey, watch the door!

Look at yourself right now.

You're picking up things with tissue.

To avoid fingerprints.

I know why you're doing it!

I'm just saying, you're going too far.

I'm tired of you acting this way, Alexis.

You know what? Do whatever you want. I'm out.

Honey, you can't leave me.

You're talking to no one.


I'm the car.

[Door closes]

Did you read it?




I'm proud of you.

You did the right thing.

Alexis, what the hell?

I know!

Another parent came in and I panicked and shoved a bunch of them in my purse.

Honey, there's a crazy amount of "R's" in this class.

Come on. We can't get caught with these files.

"We"?! You said you didn't want to have anything to do with this.

I don't, but if you get arrested, I'll have to do Maizy's hair.

[Door closes]


I laughed so hard, I peed my pants.

That's disgusting.

Should I change them?


Hey, besides her pants, we did good.

Hell of an idea, Miles.

Thank you. I don't know where this stuff comes from.

I'm blessed.

But, Uncle Buck, it was your spider web that really made it pop.

We work good together, like jazz.


But this is gonna be amazing on my YouTube channel.

My man.

And, Tia, I want to thank you for not being a snitch, even though I know you was fighting your instincts.

[Both snicker]

Yeah, I had my finger on speed dial to call Mom, but I fought the urge.

Maybe I'm just a bad girl at heart.



It's fun dancing on the edge, ain't it?

Though, I have to say, I'm a little worried about consequences.

Wow. A bad girl for four whole seconds.

That's amazing.

Look, that dude h*t us, and we h*t him back.

And if y'all had done that before, y'all wouldn't have had a busted-up Baby Jesus.

[Faint whirring]

Um, do you hear... that buzzing?

Yeah, I know what's buzzing... You high on them energy drinks.


[Whirring grows louder]

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Tia: [Screams]

Come on, I ain't scared of you.

Yeah, come on!


I don't know karate, but I know "ca-razy."

I ain't playing with you. Yeah.


Come on! I ain't scared of no drone!

[Whirring loudly]

[High-pitched screaming]

[Cellphone chimes]

[Looped high-pitched screaming]

How did he get it up so fast?

He's magic! We messed with a wizard!

Yeah, and how did he make me sound like Maizy?

By accurately recording your voice.

I don't scream like that.

[Screams shrilly]

Get that costume off that damn dog.

[Chuckles softly]

I blame Buck for this.

For this? Really?

Yes. Where else did Miles learn all this from?

He acts before thinking.


And he doesn't even consider consequences.

Right... And he gets himself stuck in situations that he has to dig himself out of.

Like sitting in a janitor's closet with urinal cakes and all of the "R" files?

Aw, damn.

It's me, not Buck.


I wanted to tell you earlier, but you had to find out on your own, like Dorothy.

Man, that got ugly quick.

You didn't tell me he had drones.

I thought he was the crazy neighbor, not the damn CIA.

So, according to your "street knowledge," we have to push back twice as hard.

So, what's our next move... We burn his house down?

We're not doing that...

Are we?

No, no, no, no, no.

Let a brother think. Let me think.

[Sighs] Come on. You know this is over.

Let's just quit.

No, never quit!

Never retreat!

But it is late. Maizy does have those sleepy eyes.

Maybe we regroup and fortify our position in the morning.

Miles, I got our next move.

It's not a move.

Defense is a move.

Hey, I already made our move.

Check it out. Come on, come on, come on.

[Creaking] His car was unlocked, So I took the brake off and put it in neutral.


[Car alarm blaring, dog barks]

Now what?!


Go! Go!

Why are we in an Armenian diner?

Well, first of all, we laying low.

Second of all, I like lamb.

So we're eating lamb and we're on the lam.

Uncle Buck, I'm in your head.

Look, Miles...

[Coins jingling]

Take Maizy over there to the claw machine and get out of my head.

Here, take these quarters.

I told your mama to get pre-natal care.

Look, you need to say something to Miles about what happened.

That was bad.

Hey, I was trying to make the boy feel good about himself.

By slamming a car into a pole?

Look, I know you guys are two peas in a pod, but one of the peas isn't telling the whole story.

Wait a minute. I'm a pea?

I ain't no pea. I'm a man.

[Sighs] Even you have to admit, being Buck hasn't always been easy.

True. I've had my ups and downs, my profits and my losses.

Your arrests and releases.


That's why I'm here with you kids...

'cause I'm really trying to do better for myself.

Trying to become Buck 2.0.

Yeah, but you're only teaching Miles how to do Buck 1.0.

I'm glad that you're living with us, and it's good that Miles looks up to you.

But please fix this so that Miles isn't living with me in his 40s, making torch s'mores with my children.

Wait. You're getting a little too dramatic.

Hey, Uncle Buck, look what I got Maizy to do!

Look at me! I'm a prize!

[Armenian music playing]

Hurry up.



What are you doing?

They're not even alphabetized.

The "L" is next to the "E"?

I mean, and they're judging our son?

Miles might be compulsive, but he does know his alphabet.

Alexis. Alexi...

Hello, there.


What's going on here?

Well, the "R" files...

I took them because I was gonna read them because I wanted to know what you wrote about our son but I didn't and I'm returning them because I felt bad.

And I now realize where Miles gets his compulsiveness from.

[Chuckles nervously] But you know what?

We're gonna work on it, and we're gonna do better.

You can read the file if you want.

Oh, I mean, if you insist. I mean...


We're good.

Thank you.

Come on.

Mnh, mnh, mnh.

Don't judge me, Karen.

I saw you how much you drank at that school fundraiser.



We're seriously doing this?

Yeah. It's the right thing to do.

[Groans] Come on, Uncle Buck. This isn't us.

What about our rep?

Okay, the thing about a rep is, you got to take it to the edge.

I know.

Here's what you don't know...

When you do that, sometimes you got to burn a bridge.

I've been burning bridges all my life.

Girlfriends, jobs...

I actually burnt a real bridge.

[Both laugh] Sounds awesome.

It was. And then it wasn't.

You know, if you do stuff like that, the only rep you get is people don't trust you.

My mom and dad trust you with us.


And this is my last bridge, and I ain't burning it.

So let's go.

I'm a little scared.

So am I. This is my first time doing this, too.

But we're gonna do it together, 'cause maybe Mr. Creepy's cool.

Might make a new friend.

I accept your apology.

I'll send you an estimate for the damage.

All right. Cool.

Hey, but know this...


If you ever step to me again, I'll come at you like a tornado full of hate.

That was a good lesson.

But next time, we'll just leave a note and some cash.

We learnin' here.


[Sighs] Great. Now my mom and dad are back from school.

Guess it's time to get my sentence.

You'll get through it.

I'll send you a letter and put some money on your books.

You coming with me?

Nah, you gonna walk that green mile alone.

d*ad man walking.



Two days for the rodent bloodbath, and a week for Creepy Neighbor's car.

So seven days?


I was thinking about business days. But still not bad.

Baby, it should have been a month, but you know what I realized tonight?

You and I have a lot in common, and we both need to promise that we think about consequences before we do crazy things.

What crazy thing did you do?

Never mind. Just promise.

I promise.

Thank you.

Right here, bring it in.

Mm, I love you, Son.

Love you, Mom.



Ooh, that boy is twisted.

You guys really did it up.

Will: Seriously, we were only gone two hours.

Yeah, that part only took 20 minutes.

We was on the run for the rest.

Hey, so what was it like in that house?

Whew, dark, man. Smelled like soup and m*rder in there.

You got everything settled with him?

Oh, yeah. We cool.

Yeah. E-E-Everything's cool.


Ooh, ooh, unh!

Creepy neighbor: [Cackling maniacally]

Maizy brought her picture home from school.

Have you seen it?

No, we were so busy with Miles, we didn't even make it to her conference.

Check it out.


Oh, my God! That is vivid.


Is that a school bus on f*re?

No, I think it's just basking in the sun rays, honey.

What are y'all talking about? That's a f*re.

You don't see the children running from the bus?

What kids run from the sunshine? Look!

Plus, that is definitely Maizy on the back of a dragon.

That's just one interpretation, honey.

Y'all are paying attention to the wrong kid.

That little girl's who I'd keep my eye on.

She done lost her...

Are you guys looking at my picture?

[Dramatic music plays]
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