02x01 - All That Glitters is Gold

[bunniefuu]

Holy sh*t.

Are those her ashes?

Yep.

45 years of sex and dr*gs and rock and roll stuffed into one cheap, wooden box.

Ugh.

Did you find out what happened?

Well, her sad little roommate said she had a headache for a couple of days, but who would have thought aneurysm, right?

And then I guess Friday morning she got up, had a sip of coffee, and just collapsed.

Hey, you got to go, that's the way you do it, quick and easy.

Yeah, harder for everyone you leave behind, though.

Not the best Micki picture.

Mm. How was the service?

Brutal.

Awful.

So sad.

Great light, though.

Got some great pictures you got to see.

Look at how the light's coming through the window, giving me that Godfather-y effect on those empty pews.

Oh, wow.

You're doing good, man.

15 lousy people in that church.

20 if you count the chicks in the band.

There was a band?

Les Zeppelin.

All-girl Zeppelin tribute band.

Micki loved 'em.

They played one of our Heathen songs, "Ain't No Valentine," which was basically Micki's theme song about never getting married or having kids, which she accomplished.

Yeah, and then they played her favorite Zepp song, "Stairway to Heaven."

That's pretty awesome.

Yeah, not so much.

The version went on, like, for 20 minutes.

Micki had enough time to climb back up into heaven and grab John Bonham, and bring him back down to Earth to say, "Hey, douche bags, enough with the 20-minute Mellotron flute solos."

God, I would have crawled into the box with Micki.

Who gave this to you guys, by the way?

Her little, sad roommate.

Her parents are dead, no siblings.

Yeah, she told her when she d*ed, she wanted her ashes dumped in the river next to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and wanted us to do it.

God, I've never seen a box of ashes before.

It's so creepy, you know?

Yeah.

Someone's hair and face and teeth and toenails.

Could we open it up?

No, we're not opening it up.

No!

Okay, relax.

[box rattles]

[gasps]

What?

[box rattles]

Oh, my God.

You guys.

What?

Listen.

[box rattling]

[chuckles]

It sounds like maracas.

[moans]

That was Micki's instrument.

We sang backup.

I was tambourine, she was maracas.

Is this what's gonna happen to me?

I'm gonna end up some box of anonymous ashes that sound like a stupid percussion instrument?

You make sure that when I'm cremated, you put some earrings in here so that my ashes get the full tambourine effect, okay?

God.

Okay.

♪ Sex and dr*gs and rock and roll ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't want to die ♪
♪ Anonymous ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ No, no ♪

See, these are all the better photos than the one they had on Micki's mass card.

Oh, sh*t.

I better pick out my picture in case I drop dead tomorrow.

Where's that one that you took of me last summer at sunset?

Help me.

Yeah, no, the one that I...

Oh, yes, on the beach.

[speaks indistinctly]

Yes, I have it on my phone. I'll send it to you.

Honey, you're not gonna die any time soon.

John, you don't know that, okay?

And I want a good picture of myself if it happens, and I don't want Led Zeppelin playing at my memorial.

I want "Lazarus," the song Bowie wrote before he d*ed.

Yeah.

That's really moving.

Hmm.

I want a parade.

When?

When I die.

I want a big parade, you know, with cotton candy and lots of balloons and marching bands and dancers and, yeah, a big deal.

Okay, well, honey, you have to be famous to get a parade.

I will be.

Wait, I should pick a picture now.

Yeah.

Right now.

Totally.

Start filtering away.

Yep. [gasps]

Oh, my gosh. [gasps]

I bet this is a tape I put together of all of our home videos and performance stuff.

There has got to be great Micki footage on there.

I want to see it.

All the clothes, all the backstage stuff when you guys were young.

sh*t, I want to watch it now.

Where are we gonna find a VCR?

Those things are more extinct than Toto.

The band, not the dog.

No, no, no, Rehab knows a guy.

Rehab can have this done.

He had all Bam's stuff done.

It looks great. Let me give it to him.

We could be watching it by tomorrow afternoon.

Yeah, well, Flash is taking me to Micki's tomorrow morning to pick up some of her belongings, so just make sure you wait until we're back and then we can all watch it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cool.

1989.

Topless Micki?

No, that's me in one of your thongs.

Oh.

You have it on backwards.

[sighs]

Oh, I can't wait to see this video.

Yeah, me neither.

And I don't feel very comfortable watching this without Ava here.

It's a professional courtesy in the transfer world.

Honey, I kind of agree. Maybe we should wait.

No, I'm with my girl Gigi.

I want to see my hair.

Guys, it's just old Heathens footage.

Ava's not gonna care if we get a head start.

Besides, I'm gonna watch it more than once.

Let's go.

Hey.

[sings indistinctly]

[rock music]

Oh.

Oh, sh*t!

Oh! I love this song.

Look at Flash.

Look at the girls. They look fantastic.

Yeah.

Those were the days.

♪ Shine the night ♪
♪ Shine it down ♪

Back in my hometown, ready to kick some musical ass.

This is August 1993. What is this?

Well, when the band broke up, Ava and I took a little, you know, hiatus.

Meaning she kicked his ass to the curb.

No, she went down to Nashville to clear her head, kind of start over.

That's all.

Yeah.

Did some backup, you know, vocal work and...

♪ Not impressed by the places you've been ♪

Uh, did you know Flash was down there with her?

Well, I mean, you know, he's from down there, and, you know, it's not that unusual that he would have been down there, you know, visiting his parents or something.

♪ ♪
♪ You belong... ♪

No, no, no, no, I want to see this.

Let's see what else is on here.

Guys, I really feel like we should turn this off until Ava gets here.

Shh.

both: ♪ Dream tonight ♪
♪ There's nobody ♪

both: ♪ Else tonight ♪
♪ The stars in the ♪

both: ♪ Sky tonight ♪
♪ Will follow us now ♪
♪ Forever and ever ♪
♪ Oh ♪

[gentle acoustic guitar music]

both: ♪ Oh ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪

both: ♪ Oh ♪

[cheers and applause]

Hey, listen. She's too shy to tell you, but she also wrote that song.

[cheers and applause]

Holy sh*t.

Can't possibly leave it behind.

Give me that whole damn thing. Hey.

[laughing]

Hi.

So how long did you guys have this little thing going on in Nashville?

Oh. It... um, well, the... it...

It's not what it looks like.

How long?

Two weeks?

Year.

A year?

And who was the, uh... who was that song, "Dream Tonight," who'd you write that about?

Not me.

Oh, God.

This is just like when we were dating.

One minute, I wanted to f*ck your brains out, the next minute, pretty sure I already had.

[sighs]

All right.

Okay, Johnny.

Excuse me.

Johnny.

John.

Johnny.

[sighs]

[door bangs]

[murmurs indistinctly]

Johnny.

Unbelievable.

Johnny, wait. Stop!

What?

Where the f*ck do you get off taking the moral high ground here, huh?

Where do I get off?

You slept with every chick in the band.

You slept with me, you slept with Cat, you slept with Micki.

Honey, we all slept with Micki, multiple times, okay?

It's a completely different situation.

Oh, okay, so Micki doesn't count.

But you know what?

No, she doesn't count.

Flash's wife did, and so did Rehab's ex-fiancée.

I told you a million times, that was just sex, okay?

We just saw video evidence of you having a year-long affair with my supposed best friend that lasted way longer than you told me it lasted, okay?

Like an extra f*cking year.

What difference does that make?

It makes a big difference to me, okay?

John, okay, he encouraged me to write songs, which is more than what you ever did.

Oh, I'm sure he did.

He thought that I had talent.

Oh, yeah, and you showed him the talent.

I'm sure of that, right?

He wanted me to crawl out from under your shadow.

And you know what? I did.

Mm-hmm.

And I liked it.

I liked it a lot.

Good.

So then why'd you break up with him then?

Because things ended, okay?

Flash broke up with me.

He went back on tour. Wa...

[sighs]

Great.

Wow.

Johnny.

Holy sh*t.

I asked you. I asked you three times when we were dating if you and Ava had a thing, and all three times you said no.

I don't know why you lied to me.

'Cause I was protecting Ava, your dad, not to mention you.

Oh, you're protecting me?

That's right.

I knew you wouldn't understand.

All right, well, you know what?

You were right.

I don't understand.

Gigi, baby, let me... let me just explain.

Gig?

[camera shutter clicking]

What are you doing?

[camera shutter clicks]

Now I'm gonna Face Swap.

Put the camera down. [chuckles]

Come on, man. Don't take my picture.

I'm not in the mood.

I know. I got it. I'm sorry, man.

Such a nightmare.

I should have been honest with her right from the start.

I broke her trust.

Now I got to win it back.

Pah-pah!

Jesus, man, what did I just say?

I know. I know. I know. I'm sorry.

You look so handsome when you're sad, especially in this light.

It's very flattering.

It is?

Yeah.

Plus, makes you look ten years younger.

And you saw the photo they used for Mickey's memorial card.

Sucky.

If you drop dead ten minutes from now, what do you want them to use?

Some raggedy-ass old flash photo from 15 years ago when you were fat?

Or do you want something striking?

Something current?

I like striking.

Good.

Then stand right here. Here.

Here, here, here, here.

I like it.

All right.

Oh, you lucky son of a bitch.

Look at that pile of cheekbones.

Let it go.

Ooh.

What are you thinking about?

Thinking about Gigi.

Okay, then think about her-r-r... right here.

Nice.

[camera shutter clicking]

Boom.

Boom, boom.

That's nice.

Ooh. Nice.

Turn over... turn over there.

Look at there. Now look at me.

Boom! I like it.

I like it.

Ooh. Ah.

You look hurt.

I am hurt.

Feel like my heart's bruised.

Really?

Yeah, really.

What, you think I'm f*cking around?

Ooh, I love that.

Flash! Anger!

Show me some more of that sh*t.

Ooh, I love it. I love it.

Um, think about...

Think about, uh...

Ava. Ooh.

What the hell was that look?

What look?

That look you just gave me when I said, "Think about Ava."

Really?

Yeah.

I like it.

I love it.

Think about her more.

All right.

Ooh, she smolders you.

All right, I'm done thinking about Ava.

I want to think about Gigi now.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Not Ava.

Not Ava.

What the hell's that?

No, no, don't stick your butt out.

Look up.

Good.

I had all this anxiety about being a lead singer out in front of the band.

Not my thing.

But behind the band, I felt safe.

And Flash, he just peeled this layer of fear right off me.

Made me believe in myself.

I felt confident and strong.

Oh, and then revenge sex turned into more revenge sex, turned into Nashville, and we were both from there, so this whole... this whole cowboy thing that we had, we lost it when we moved to New York.

And so we were riding horses and hanging out on the farm and doing it in a field.

He brought out the Carrie Underwood in me.

I don't think there's any Carrie Underwood in you.

Maybe Gretchen Wilson on tequila.

Ugh.

I am an almost-stepmom telling her almost-stepdaughter how great the guy they both slept with was.

Okay, this is... I really am a Gretchen Wilson song.

Redneck stepmom.

Yee-haw!

Yeah! [blows raspberry]

Ugh.

[sighs]

This is awkward.

[chuckles]

But it was 20 years ago.

Hear Flash out and give him a chance.

Yeah, no, no, I'm going to.

I want to bang somebody in a field.

I've never done that.

Oh, yeah, you got to.

I really want to.

Yeah.

No, yeah, and you can't put things like that off.

No, I won't.

You have the impulse, you got to act on it.

Yeah.

'Cause look at Micki.

I know, she's a box of ashes on our kitchen table.

[moans]

I'm gonna do it.

I'm just gonna bang some guy's brains out right in the middle of a field.

Total heat of passion, spur-of-the-moment type thing, you know?

Were you all itchy afterwards?

Don't answer that. I'm overthinking it.

I'm probably not gonna do it anyway.

[sighs]

Hey.

I thought I'd find you here.

[door rattles closed]

What are you doing?

I'm 51 years old, and I just found out that my supposed best friend on the planet had a year-long affair with the one true love of my life, and I can't afford to smash his guitars.

[sighs]

But I did flush 200 of his picks down the toilet.

Oh, yeah.

Do not hug me.

You need a hug, John.

No.

You need a hug, bro.

No. Dude.

You know what I need? I need a change.

That's what I need.

I'm... I'm moving out.

Dude, I'm moving out, and I'm moving on.

Did you know how many chicks there are out there that would love to shack up with a guy like me?

There's... what?

None.

Zero. Zilch.

No, no, dude. There's a ton...

You're old, you're broke, you're really selfish.

Seriously, man, dude, you're not even a lead singer anymore.

No, no, no, I got that covered.

And that's the only way a guy like you, your age, your financial situation, with that hair, is ever getting laid, man.

But listen to me, all right?

I've been thinking about this for a long time, and I'm gonna pull the trigger on it now.

I got a new band, new name.

Oh, God.

Think. Johnny Rock Agenda.

Cool, right? It's like a throwback vibe.

I'ma do, like, a Hives meets The Who.

Like, they get drunk with David Johansen type of vibe.

You want to be the drummer?

Absolutely not.

Why not?

Because I'm Gigi's drummer, assh*le.

It's not about you, Johnny.

It's not about Ava. It's not about Flash.

It's about your daughter.

You know what your agenda should be?

Her.

You know, the karma, the kismet, whatever the hell it is, all your sins from the past coming back to haunt you, you know, that was 25 years ago.

Yesterday's dead and gone, pal.

Tomorrow, there's no guarantees.

You know who doesn't have a tomorrow?

Micki.

How's that grab you?

You know what?

Right now, right now is all you got.

Right now... it's everything.

Are you quoting Sammy Hagar to me?

No.

Yeah, yeah, I think you were.

Am I?

Yeah, yeah, and I think you got it all screwed up.

Did I really?

Yeah, Van Halen, Sammy Hagar, you quoted me.

I did.

Yeah.

Van Hagar. I love that guy.

I know.

My God.

I love those songs.

How could I mess up the lyrics?

Bro, we're getting old, okay?

Yeah.

Time is a bitch.

Counting out numbers, both of us know we ain't getting no younger.

Hmm. Bruce Springsteen.

No, dude, that's Cat.

That's the Cat song you played on last year.

Are you kidding me?

Bro, right now, you might need an Alzheimer's test, psh.

How the hell does a guy that's k*lling brain cells as we speak know more lyrics than the guy who's been sober for 15 years?

Because I'm a lead singer, okay?

I could be in a coma and still sing side one of "London Calling."

Yeah, I got to go solo, bro.

You know what?

That's what I was born to do.

All right.

I'm a lead singer.

Whoo-whee.

Born to do it.

You have a change of heart?

Yeah.

You know how much money Sammy Hagar made off that Cabo Wabo Tequila when he left Van Halen?

Like 90 million bucks.

Just hear me out.

The Johnny Rock Agenda takes off, huh.

Johnny Rock's Demon Rum and Cola.

It comes, like, in a cool bottle, like, black with, like, a gold flake skull and crossbones on it.

We can jack up the price.

What do you think?

I'm sober, dude.

Dude, doesn't mean you can't make money off drunk people.

God help your soul.

Think about it.

You think I didn't want to lord this over your dad from the very first second after Ava and I had sex for the first time?

You bet your ass.

I was so psyched, I didn't want to do it over the phone.

I wanted to do it in person so I could see the look on his back-stabbing, skinny bitch horse face when he finally found out.

Whoa, relax.

So tell me what happened.

Ava happened.

Big-time blindsided me, and just like... [snaps fingers]

That, I was smitten.

You were smitten?

It's not a word that I usually use, but I was smitten by her.

I was... besotted, captivated.

It was like being in a hurricane for a whole year, just flying around, man.

We b*rned it down in Nashville.

Then I caught a tour. I go on the road.

And Johnny's calling her, "Come back," and, you know, it was over.

And then I guess you thought you could get revenge on my dad by sleeping with me.

Hey.

Am I right?

Yeah, you're right.

Then I got to know you, and I saw how much all this means to you... the band, your relationship with Ava, the whole nine yards, and I was...

If you say "smitten" right now, I'm gonna kick you in the balls.

Enraptured.

["The Righteous One" by The Orwells]

[rock music]

♪ Smoke in the air ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I don't have a care ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ ♪
♪ But it's not fair ♪
♪ Don't touch your hair ♪
♪ ♪
♪ It's not nice to stare ♪
♪ But it's not fair ♪
♪ To let down your hair ♪
♪ ♪

11 texts, and I still have not heard from him.

Maybe he went to Cleveland to spread Micki's ashes in the river next to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Johnny wouldn't go to Cleveland if they were giving out free coke.

They should have a cocaine wing at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

If that were the case, Johnny would have got in on the first ballot.

Ah. [grunts]

Uh, hey dude.

John? Why didn't you text me back?

I have a major announcement for all of us to celebrate.

Bam already knows what it is.

I... I tried to talk him out of it, so...

Cabo Wabo for everybody.

Bam and Re, you can have coffee or water, whatever.

Just make sure you do the actual toast for karma purposes.

Here you go.

Yep.

Here is to... a great American philosopher, Sammy Hagar, Van Halen's Sammy Hagar, who once said two very important words, "Right now."

f*ck the past, the future... this ain't Nashville in 1994.

This is New York City in 2016.

Here's to Gigi and The Assassins and our dysfunctional little kick-ass rock and roll family.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Both: Whoo!

Forever.

Cheers.

Mm, and what we're gonna do is, we're gonna play Micki's favorite Heathens song of all time, "Ain't No Valentine," and, honey, you're gonna play Micki's percussion part.

With what?

These.

I had this buddy of mine at Steve Maxwell's do a rush job last night putting Micki's ashes into these maracas so she's gonna be with us forever, or at least until next time we go to Cleveland.

[maracas rattling]

They sound amazing, baby.

Dad.

Yeah.

Did you get to see the ashes?

Yes, I did.

What did they look like?

They looked like a pile of the really cheap blow we used to buy down on Avenue A back in the day.

It was weird.

That is the circle of life.

You guys, uh, let's kick the song off.

Gigi, you know the lyrics.

Oh, yeah, I've always loved this one.

Hey, hang on a second, guys.

What?

I want you to take this guitar, smash it in that amp, 'cause I got 'em both in Nashville.

Be a good way to bury the past.

One, two, three!

[energetic rock music]

♪ ♪

both: ♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I'm not the one who said the word forever ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Forever is a long, long time ♪