02x03 - The Prince And The Pauper

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Another Period...

Chair has no idea it was me who pushed her down the stairs.

(screaming)

You're under arrest for the m*rder of one Scoops LaPue.

I still have no idea who the f*ck that is.

(bang)

(gasps)

Who would have guessed there were two unmarried Vanderbilts left?

Can't believe you don't have wives.

Well, my first wife actually d*ed in a terrible hoopskirt fire.

Aww.

Yes, and mine d*ed from turning 38.

That's awful.

One day she was 37, and then the next thing we knew--

Well, you two sound like absolute delights.

Well, you gals do too.

(all laughing)

Cheers.

So when can we meet your daughters?

Uh, it's not our daughters you'd be marrying.

It's us.

Mm-hmm.

We're our daughters.

(both laughing)

Come on. Where are they?

No, we're our daughters. It's us.

We just wasted all afternoon with you!

♪ I want the money, I want the fame ♪
♪ I want the whole world to know my name ♪
♪ This is mine, I got to get it ♪
♪ I got to get it, got, got to get it ♪
♪ Another Period ♪

(grunting)

Oh, yes.

Yep.

I really needed some awake sex to relieve the stress of trying to marry off my daughters.

Lillian and Beatrice have chased off every eligible bachelor on the eastern seaboard.

Do you always talk about your daughters during sex?

You know what?

I guess I do.

(piano flourish)

(sighs)

Good?

Oh, good-bye, darling.

Good-bye.

(sighs)

(door closes)

Who the hell was that?

(grunting)

(percussive instrumental music)

(grunts)

This is awful.

I blame our parents for having us too early.

If they'd waited, we'd be 20 right now.

Who knew that being single women in 1903 with eight children wouldn't be appealing to all men?

(groans)

If we don't get married soon, we're gonna turn into Hortense.

(grunts)

I have wonderful news.

Even though every man in Newport has deemed you unworthy, I found another suitor.

It's a prince looking for a western queen.

(both cheering)

So if one of you can convince him to marry, our financial problems are solved.

(cheering)

So who wants to be a princess?

Ooh, I do.

I get to marry the prince.

I'm Lillian.

Wonderful.

I've arranged an ortolan feast so the prince can come and decide for himself.

Beatrice may have the advantage of height, bust size, and being hyper-orgasmic, but I have something she could never have-- desperation.

No, it doesn't bother me that I'm in competition with my sister.

I didn't come here to make sisters.

♪ ♪

(paper rustling)

What the...?

Wreath?

I said "beef," Garfield, beef.

Not wreath.

I don't even celebrate f*cking Christmas.

So what are you in for?

m*rder.

You?

Um... staring.

I don't know why Garfield keeps getting it wrong.

I was very clear in my note.

Here.

Let me show you something.

♪ ♪

There.

That's clearly beef, right?

Um... yeah.

I think I might know what the issue is.

Would you mind drawing me something else?

There. What do you think that is?

Beef again?

Come on, man. Of course not.

A circle?

It's a horse.

Think, man. Look with your eyes.

Hey, if you want beef, why don't you just write "beef"?

Because.

Oh, because what?

(somber piano music)

(crying) Because I can't read, okay?

Even though I've committed m*rder and treason and blackmail and genocide, still my greatest secret is my illiteracy.

I'm so ashamed.

Don't you be ashamed.

You know what?

If you want to learn how to read, I'll teach you how to read.

Really?

♪ ♪

Oh, no, no, no, no.

It's not that type of moment.

You stay on your side of the bench.

(percussive instrumental music)

The prince is coming today, and even though I've never met him, I know that he is the right person to spend the rest of my life with.

I've been lifting weights with my vag*na in anticipation of my future husband's arrival.

I hope he likes muscles.

(triumphant music)

♪ ♪

I am Prince Apato, and this is my loyal servant, Parshwall.

Even though I've only known Prince Apato for one day, I know he's the love of my life, and if he doesn't pick me, I'm going to k*ll myself.

(light piano music)

Very nice to meet you.

♪ ♪

Very nice to meet you.

(giggles)

I'm sorry, but you've been eliminated.

I'm not even part of this.

Meeting you feels like fate.

I've prepared a poem.

"Hello, Prince Apato.

What have you got-o?

I look forward to marrying you...

...otto."

No one told me we were supposed to prepare something!

I prepared a dance.

I admire your bravery.

Muscular dystrophy is very prevalent in my country.

More champagne.

Sorry, sir, but I believe that is my job.

Ah, apologies, but I am the prince's butler.

I will pour.

Deeply sorry, sir, but you are in Bellacourt Manor now, and I am the butler here.

No, a thousand apologies, but it seems that the prince's flute has been left empty, so there is no butler.

I deplore the braying of the serving class.

Both of you, out of my vision field.

(both laughing)

So tell me, Prince, what do you think of my girls?

In one word?

Enchanting.

both: Aww.

I cannot possibly choose between the two of you, so I will take each one of you on a date and see who charms me the most.

To true love.

And binding contracts.

(all laughing)

And this is our kitchen, likely more sophisticated than you're used to in the curried dustbowl that is the subcontinent.

Flobelle, a moment.

I want to show our guests tonight's supper.

Ortolans.

What is this woman doing?

Ortolans must be drowned in a vat of armagnac and then baked.

You could not be more wrong, my good man.

No, the core body temperature of the ortolan must remain consistent so that the innards retain the right amount of viscous.

Flobelle, put the birds in the oven.

Yes, sir.

Flobelle.

Do not put the birds in the oven.

How old is your buttling manual?

The preparation was amended in 1898.

Well, that cannot possibly be true.

I'm up-to-date on all the peer-reviewed literature.

Actually, sir, that's correct.

To avoid humane treatment of the bird, one must drown, then bake, so it dies in fear of its impending death.

Thus you taste the fear.

And fear is fragrant.

both: Fear is food.

Yes.

Oh, this is absurd.

No, this is a housemaid out-buttling a butler.

A beautiful housemaid, at that.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

I hope you didn't get b*rned by all the sparks flying when the prince and I first laid eyes on each other.

Oh, I didn't notice.

I hope you didn't notice that the prince is taking me on the first date.

I also didn't notice too.

Hmm.

What's that?

Arsenic. Mmm.

Just a little drop will make me nice and pale for my prince.

Well, I'm gonna make my skin even lighter for the prince.

I want every vein in my face to be visible.

Lady Lillian, too much arsenic will make you...

Flobelle, if there's one thing I know men love, it's a veiny woman.

I have literally no boundaries nor respect for myself, and when it comes to men, I'm more desperate than a starving man in front of a pile of mashed potatoes.

Excuse me, older nurse.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

Why?

I mean, all right.

Also, we're the same age.

I hate to ask you this, but do you think you could help me find out who I was or who I am?

Of course. Mm-hmm.

(waves crashing)

D-O-G.

Dog, dog.

Yes!

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Oh, you're doing splendid.

(chuckling)

Why are you helping me like this?

Well, you know, it's my general rule to stay on the good side of a m*rder*r.

Plus, it's either teach you how to read or try to masturbate to this book on spelling, and it's a lot harder than you think.

You ready to go again?

Yeah.

I'm not gonna spell it out.

All right.

Hamish.

No, man, we-- we just did it.

It's "dog."

Oh, God, reading is so stupid.

All letters are just squiggly pieces of sh*t.

Aw, come on.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Now, I bet your whole life, people have been telling you you're stupid, and they're right.

You are stupid.

You-- you're very stupid.

Where-- where are you going with this?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Once I get going, it--

(chuckles)

My point is, you're just smart enough to stop being stupid.

You're so tender with me.

I don't play in the snow.

I set a boundary.

I'm gonna need you to respect it.

(romantic music)

Beatrice, maybe I'm crazy, but I could really see you bearing me a male heir.

(chuckles)

No girls, please.

Oh, I would never do that to you.

Would you be willing to relocate for a land deal?

I can already picture our transaction being finalized.

I haven't been traded for land in so long.

I find hunting with a woman to be very invigorating.

Me too, but you know what I really like?

Hunting men.

You are a naughty girl, aren't you?

(laughing)

Run, Garfield, run!

(exclaims)

(g*n fires)

(yelling)

(suspenseful music)

♪ ♪

(panting)

Feel how close it is?

Yes.

Like it? Want it?

Lady Beatrice, stop.

Please don't k*ll Garfield.

He's the only one the children like.

(growls)

Allow me.

Here we go, Lady Beatrice.

(grunting)

(sighing)

Ah.

(sighs)

Hi, Princey. Can I steal you for a second?

Hello? Help-- help, please.

♪ turn up, turn up, turn up, turn up ♪
♪ turn up the bass ♪

Was I scared?

Wouldn't you be if you had to give a tour to the woman you paralyzed?

Uh, let's go look at the menstrual cleansing rooms again, shall we?

No, no. Keep going this way.

I'm starting to feel something.

Oh.

Okay.

Wait. Go back.

Uh.

(dramatic music)

This staircase.

Throw me down the staircase.

What?

I'm sick of not remembering who I am.

This might be the only way for me to find out.

Uh.

(sobs)

I don't know, madam. I don't think that's...

Wait.

Such a good idea.

Aren't I your boss?

Yes.

So as your boss, I say throw me down.

(whimpering)

Oh, God.

(crying)

I know who I am.

I'm Chair.

Oh, God.

And I'm a bitch.

Oh, I'm so happy for you.

Someone threw me down those stairs.

♪ ♪

Do you remember who threw you down those stairs?

Yes.

You did.

♪ ♪

But who did it the first time?

I'm really looking forward to my date with the prince.

We're going ballooning.

The sky's the limit, and I'm not afraid of heights.

Oh, Princey, this is so romantic.

(instrumental music)

Can I tell you something in confidence?

I can't promise anything.

If I desire to tell your secret, I'll probably just do it.

Well, I don't mean to speak ill of Beatrice, but--

(groaning)

Are you all right?

(stomach rumbling)

Yes, I-- I'm fine.

As I was saying, I just think Beatrice might be here for the wrong reasons--

(farts)

What is that odor?

And-- and you look pale.

Are you sure you're all right?

Oh, I do?

Oh, thank you.

No, I drank a bottle of arsenic this morning.

It's a little beauty secret we white women know about.

(farts)

There wouldn't happen to be a lavatory in this wicker basket, would there?

Um, no.

(stammering) I don't think so.

Oh, my God.

(exclaiming)

(farting)

(breathing heavily)

(farts)

(chuckles)

Don't mind me.

So, Prince, are you looking forward to badminton season?

Who's your favorite player?

I must know.

Parshwall, land this thing now.

No, don't land it. We are on a date right now.

Parshwall, have you a handkerchief to wipe my bottom?

Of-- of course, madam.

Uh, here you go.

No, could you wipe my bottom for me, please?

Well, I-- I--

Oh, I'll do it myself.

(screams)

No!

(upbeat techno music)

And when the third mouse went blind, I was like, "What?"

Mm-hmm.

And then the cobbler's wife.

Oh, she is a handful, huh?

Yeah.

Heigh-ho, Hamish.

I got your note.

Yeah, well, I wrote it... myself.

Oh, good.

Well, here's all the beef I could... (whispering) ...fit inside my-- my butt.

Oh.

(soft instrumental music)

Here.

I want you to have it.

♪ ♪

Thank you.

Hey, quick question.

Why did you smuggle this in your butt?

And I'm making no judgments here.

I-- I'm just asking.

Oh, I read up on how to smuggle things into prison.

Yeah, but you know, you could've just brought it to us.

It's not illegal to bring us food.

(chuckles)

Well, I hadn't thought of it that way.

♪ ♪

(instrumental music)

♪ ♪

Why do we have to wear napkins on our heads?

It messes up my hair.

The ortolan is a food so sinful it must be shielded from the watchful eyes of God.

Beatrice is such a dullard, she doesn't even know about the incredibly obscure dining rituals of rural France.

(chuckles) Serve me.

I am handy with the brandy.

I am handy with the brandy.

No, I am handy with the brandy.

Just because you memorized ancient buttling rhymes does not make you a great butler.

I live those rhymes every damn day.

Does this make me a great butler?

♪ ♪

Princesses, you look so beautiful.

I don't know how I'm going to be able to choose one.

This is the most difficult decision I've ever had to make.

(dramatic music)

Ladies, this is the moment.

Prince Apato has made his decision.

Lillian.

(laughing)

You have toilet paper on your shoe.

(exhales)

The prince has made his decision...

♪ ♪

.. but I am not he.

(gasps)

Everyone, I present to you the real Prince Apato.

♪ ♪

Thank you, Parshwall.

♪ ♪

Yes, it is true.

I am the real Prince Apato, and I have chosen, and I have decided... both Bellacourt sisters are unworthy.

(laughing)

No, Beatrice, it's a bad thing.

He's not choosing us.

Is it because I talked too much about badminton in the hot air balloon?

It wasn't because I diarrhea'd out the side of the hot air balloon, was it?

Was it because I didn't k*ll Garfield?

No, no, no, none of that, although-- well, the diarrhea didn't help.

But Prince Apato, I love you.

No, I love you.

I-- I've loved you ever since I learned you weren't a lowly butler 35 seconds ago.

If you don't pick me, I'm gonna k*ll myself.

No, sorry.

You've both been eliminated.

♪ ♪

(weeping)

♪ ♪

How could you do this to me?

We had a deal.

What I promised was to pick a woman from the Bellacourt household... and I have.

Blanche.

(stammering)

Please.

(crying)

(laughing) Yes.

♪ ♪

This is a dream come true...

Yes.

...for any woman.

For me too.

A thousand apologies, sirrah, but I'm afraid I cannot permit Blanche to leave.

No, Peepers, you can't tell me what to do.

I'm a princess.

Actually, I can, Blanche.

I have full legal custody of you according to the Mental Health Addendum to the 1903 Buttling Manual, which came out today.

Read your manual, sir.

No, no, no, no, because I am a princess now.

Princess Blanche.

Blanche, I'm afraid he's right.

What?

You have ruined a woman's life for the honor of your master.

♪ ♪

Why, Peepers, you are the greatest butler of all.

I honor you, Peepers.

♪ ♪

Thank you, sir.

Champagne for everyone.

Blanche, if you could get some champagne, please.

Mm-hmm.

Thanks, run along.

(crying) Okay.

(sobbing)

I feel so blindsided.

This came out of nowhere.

I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with Parshwall.

I can't believe that I held hands with a servant.

(crying)

Ugh.

(weeping)

(crying) I just don't understand how he could look me in the eyes and-- and tell me he wanted to trade land and power and resources for one of my daughters and not even mean it.

(sobs)

Was everything we had a lie?

(sobbing)