04x06 - Young & Assistant

[bunniefuu]

Guys, gather round. I have an announcement to make.

As you know, I've been working on a new app.

The app is called "Selfie-Control."

It automatically curates users' photos with an algorithm to let them know which ones are gonna be most liked.

Oh, that's easy.

Any photo with you shirtless.

Or any photo with you not in it.

Now, as you know, I tend to get a little nervous before a launch, so I decided I need...

A massage!

Grilled cheese!

Ooh, some weed!

Every great man has a sidekick.

Batman had Robin, Sherlock had Watson, and I, Josh Kaminski, have...

All: Me!

Randall!

Meet Randall, my new assistant.

He went to an Ivy League school and is destined for big things.

Hello, fellow employees.

I wish I had time to socialize, but we should really all get back to work.

[laughter]

Oh, he's serious.

Tick-tock, Josh.

Great to meet you!

Pleasure!

Welcome! He's weird.

Very.

Oh, my damn.

(theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪
♪ And she turn my head ♪
♪ She run a red light ♪
♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪
♪ I like that ooh, baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪

I don't know why they put labels on these cleaning products telling you not to breathe in the fumes.

That's the best part.

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

Taking out Josh's trash.

I told you yesterday that that's my job.

Now, keep your hands off my trash before I b*at your ass.

I would, but as Josh's assistant, I can't let him work in filth.

Oh, oh!

Look at that guy doing my job for me.

Why do I hate him?

Yolanda, it's a big change to have somebody new in the apartment.

You remember my first day here.

Hell no, I was drunk.

No one talk to me today.

I've got to get a press release out for Josh's new app.

I already sent it from your computer.

So you can check that off your to-do list.

You went on my computer, in my office?

Mm, technically, it's Josh's computer, in his penthouse, and he told me to do it, so... kind of just doing my job.

And mine.

And mine.

You guys, he's just trying to impress Josh. Okay? He's not trying to take your jobs away.

Stop.

I'll take that tray.

And, um, no more grilled cheese.

This is a penthouse, not a trailer park.

[murmuring]

You guys!

[sighs] Randall just totally cook-blocked me.

We've got to get rid of him.

Trust me, I know these number-crunching types.

It's only a matter of time before he convinces Josh, he doesn't need a full-time publicist.

Or a housekeeper.

Or a personal chef.

Who the hell needs a personal chef five days a week?

Oh, my God, what are we gonna do?

I got it.

If Josh sees sparks between you and Randall, he'll get rid of him.

Precious is right.

I bet if you flirt with Randall right in front of Josh, he'll get so jealy he'll fire him.

I don't know, you guys. I mean, I'm just back to work here.

Josh and I are finally friends. I don't know if I want to jeopardize it.

What a surprise.

Lollygagging in the laundry room.

Gabi, Josh has been asking for his smoothie for five minutes.

You know what? I got it.

I'm in.

Ooh!

You look like a fancy prost*tute.

You must have a date.

Uh-huh.

And it's Josh's new assistant.

He asked you out?

Uh, no, I asked him. You know how shy guys are.

You gotta be a little more forward, smile more, laugh harder, and, you know, when that doesn't work, you just corner them and ask them out.

Oh, maybe I can weave this into my article.

Oh, what article?

Well, I'm writing a freelance dating article for that relationship blog called...

"Posting and Ghosting."

But you're not dating, you're all alone.

Yeah, I know. I'm just gonna make it up. It's called journalism, Gabi.

[loud music playing]

[scoffs] It's starting again.

I cannot think with this blaring music.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

We have a broom?

That's it.

You bring the music, Lil' So-So's gonna bring the b*at.

[loud music continues]

[music stops]

Hello, luv.

Nice broom.

Thanks. I came here to...

Sweep you off your feet.

What a relief. I thought you might be here to complain about my music.

[scoffs] More like complain that it's not loud enough for this, uh, single, low-maintenance, totally disease-free girl to hear.

It's my band. We just moved here from the UK.

Oh.

Hey.

Since I'm new in town, how about showing me around tomorrow?

Around when?

Around eight?

See you then. [chuckles] Cheers, mate.

Not that we're mating, just dating. Are we dating? See you at eight!

There she is.

How was your date with Randall?

Well, she's doing the walk of shame in that outfit.

These aren't the same clothes I wore yesterday.

I know, you should still be ashamed.

Anyway, you guys would've been so proud. I flirted my ass off.

A batting of the eyes here and a strategic touching of the arm there.

He was putty in my hands.

Josh: Gabi, can you please come in here?

It's almost too easy.

Mm-hmm.

Have a seat.

Seems as though we have a situation.

Oh.

Do we?

Randall, uh, he talked to me about you.

Listen, Josh, if you're uncomfortable, and, uh, you want to let him go, I understand.

He said you sexually harassed him.

What? No, I didn't do that.

So you didn't keep asking him out 12 times until he said yes.

Hello, Josh, he said yes.

He also said you were "handsy."

Handsy? My hand never left his knee!

[stomping]

Hey, guys.

Guess who's on the verge of getting fired?

You.

Yeah.

"Whey protein, dried lentils, cottage cheese." What is this?

You reading. I'm shocked too.

That's a shopping list from Randall.

He said it's from Josh, and that's what he wants in the fridge.

And wait till you hear what the little worm did to me.

Oh, he had me clean all the vents in the penthouse because Josh sneezed.

They were filthy. Whoo!

Somebody is not doing their job.

Yeah, you.

Whatever, I still hate Randall.

Yeah, well, he suggested to Josh that I tweet every hour to build buzz for Josh's new app.

Aren't you supposed to be doing that anyway?

Whatever. I still hate Randall.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hello.

I'm so sorry. I don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable.

I'm glad you're all here and appear to be on break.

Guys, I just wanted to say, I'm sorry.

I think I came on a little strong and I'd like to make it up to you.

Drinks on me tonight?

I'm sorry, I cannot socialize with you according to LegalZoom.

And I'm sorry, I have to wash my hair.

And I have to wash... whosever hair this is.

Hey, no, no, no.

Uh, Randall, they would love to have drinks with you tonight.

It sound likes a really excellent "plan."

Great! We can all leave together right after work.

Yay!

What the hell was that?

My plan. You guys are gonna take Randall out, and you're gonna get him really, really drunk. Then he misses work for days and Josh has to fire him. Okay?

So, you have to go really hard. I'm talking Valentine's Day no-date hard.

That's genius.

No one can out-drink Yolanda.

Thanks, Elliot.

Finally, a compliment.

Ooh! Mm...

Mmm!

What am I making, you ask?

Gabi, this is Upstairs Rick.

Oh. You look a lot different than you sound.

Thanks, luv.

He's British and in a band.

He's magical.

[rock music playing]

New track. What do you think?

It's k*ller!

[whispers] It's k*lling me!

I hate it.

Well, you're gonna love me.

Here. I use these every time Josh talks about computery stuff.

Bye, Upstairs Rick.

Pop.

Pop.

Sofia, there's something I want to ask you.

[silence]

[music plays again]

[silence continuing]

[music plays again]

Come on, luv. Don't make me beg. Yes or no?

You want a yes or no to the question you just asked?

Come on, be a doll.

Say yes. Please.

Yes, please.

I can't believe I finally got a girl to agree to this.

Neither can I.

[chuckles]

Oh, my God.

There you guys are. I was getting worried.

Girl, don't get me started.

After drinks, we took Randall out dancing.

Then to a party.

Then to an after-party.

Then to an after-after-party.

[slurring] We drank everything.

He's probably at home throwing up right now.

What are you guys talking about? Randall's been here since six.

He already sent out a press release and cleaned up Josh's office.

What? He's here?

Then who the hell did we drop off at his apartment?

Hello, this is Randall.

I told you not to call me here!

I must still be drunk 'cause I'm hearing Randall's voice in my head.

And I must still be drunk 'cause you look hot.

[gasps]

Okay. I'm sober and I'm hearing it too because it's coming from that vent.

[gasps]

Damn. If I knew I could hear private conversations, I would have cleaned those vents out years ago.

Shh!

Shh!

Shh!

Randall: Relax. He doesn't suspect a thing.

I'll be on my way as soon as I get it. Goodbye!

What is he getting and where is he going?

Wait, Elliot, do you still have that thingy on your thingy?

You mean GPS on my tablet?

I speak stupid.

Thank you. Now, we're going to know exactly what he's up to.

[clears throat]

Oh, hey, guys.

I'm sorry I ditched you at that party.

If I'm not home by midnight, my mom gets worried.

Hey, Elliot.

The beta version for my app is transferring onto a flash drive right now.

As soon as it's done, I need you to take it to the corporate office...

You been drinking?

Maybe... a little.

I can take it for you, Josh.

Randall drank too!

Ah, I did go out, but I don't drink.

I only pretended to and poured mine in a big black flowerpot.

That was me, fool.

Okay, look, as soon as the drive finishes, I'll give it to you and you can take it.

No! Give it to me.

I can do it, I swear.

Okay. Fine.

If you can spin around twice without barfing, I'll let you take it.

One...

[gags]

Last time I tracked someone, I found my husband at a motel with his dental hygienist.

Ironically, he was filling one of her cavities.

He's past Josh's corporate office and is on the 101.

[gasps] Maybe he's headed to Silicon Valley.

Where the tech companies are.

And a really good Pinkberry.

Oh, my God. Do you know what this means?

Yeah, he's getting yogurt instead of doing his job. We got him, you guys.

Guys, I'm heading out...

And my staff went home at three.

He's a spy!

A liar!

We gotta stop him.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

Calm down. One at a time. What's this all about?

We found out bad things about Randall. Bad, bad things.

Randall didn't go to your corporate office. No!

He's headed to Silicon Valley because he's...

Help!

Oh, my God. Randall, what happened?

I was walking to my car when a black SUV pulled up and three guys jumped out.

They asked if I worked for you and when I proudly said yes, they jumped me.

Damn, even when he's b*at senseless, he's a suck-up.

I fought as hard as I could, but my yellow belt in karate failed me.

They overpowered me and took my backpack.

But I didn't let them get your flash drive.

Did I do good, Josh?

You did great, buddy.

Well, look at that.

Randall risked his life for me.

You guys thought he was a spy.

A spy?

Yeah, we heard you on the phone telling someone that he'd get it soon, and "He doesn't suspect a thing."

Yeah. My dad doesn't suspect a thing because my mom and I were planning a surprise birthday party for him.

Randall, I am so sorry.

Can you guys get some aspirin, some towels, and help clean Randall up, please?

Sure thing.

Sorry, Randall.

I'm gonna go drop off the drive at my office myself.

Wait! Aren't you afraid? What if the scary men are still out there?

Oh, please, Gabi. I can handle myself.

Elliot, they still in Silicon Valley?

Yeah.

Gabi, I can handle myself.

Gabi, Rick's coming over any minute, and I still don't know what it is I agreed to do with him.

I'm really freaking out.

What if it's something kinky?

Sofia's in, mate.

She's gonna be our new tambourine girl.

How brilliant is that?

[knocking]

[whimpers]

Hello, hello.

What is that? What is that?

Oh, it's a bottle of bubbly to get us in the mood.

Oh, good. Good, good, good.

Good. [chuckles]

Okay, ah, so, you remember how yesterday, um, I kind of agreed to do something...

Yes, yes. And I am so excited.

I've been trying to get a girl to do this for a while, but... most are too shy.

They are?

So, do we need to pick one up or do you have one that you like to play with?

Uh...

I don't know. Uh... What does... what does it look like again?

[laughs]

You're funny.

I know you've seen a few in your day.

But this... but this particular one you're speaking of, is it... is it big, is it small?

Well, the one I use is 12 inches, but you're kind of petite, so you might want to...

Okay. Uh...

As long as you can hold it in one hand and slap it against your bum, right?

Wrong. Wrong. I... I don't think I can do this.

Sofia, Sofia, don't worry.

We'll go slow until you get the hang of it.

In no time, you'll be using two at once.

And the guys in the band cannot wait to see you in action.

Okay. Great.

Listen, I am a good girl from Florida, okay, and whatever sick thing you've got planned is just not gonna happen.

Sofia, please.

It's natural to be nervous, but... I'm gonna be right behind you the whole time.

Ew, just go.

Go.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Well, my mom used to make me chicken noodle soup to feel better.

Okay, I'll make you some.

Yeah, ah, it has to be my mom's recipe. I e-mailed it to you.

Super.

Mm-hmm.

Randall, I have a question.

Do I forgive you?

It'll be hard, but I...

After you got mugged, did you get a makeover?

[Gabi gasps]

What?

Oh, my God! You didn't get b*at up.

Your black eye has sparkles in it.

Uh... I... I... I... I can explain.

Then talk fast.

Fine, I faked getting mugged.

Why?

Why do you think? Money.

This new app is gonna make someone very rich.

Especially me.

I froze you three out and earned Josh's trust and he let me take that drive.

And then I cloned it, gave it to my partners, who are gonna sell it.

Finally, I can afford to move out of my parents' basement.

The hell you can, bitch! Haha!

I didn't trust you.

So before Josh gave you the flash drive, I switched it.

The drive I gave you had my honeymoon photos on it.

I didn't trust him either.

So I switched out the flash drive for my Best of the Barrys flash drive.

Gibb, White, Manilow.

Oh, my God. We all did the same thing.

You have a Best of the Barrys flash drive too?

No, No. I did... I didn't have my own flash drive, so I went into Josh's office and I found a new one in the bottom drawer of his cabinet.

So the one that Randall sold was just a brand-new, blank flash drive.

Boom! Yeah.

I can't believe I've been busted by the most unprofessional, codependent, sexual-harassing, binge-drinking losers I've ever seen.

I'm out!

Whoa!

You forgot "floor waxin'."

See, if you didn't make me do my job, the floor would be sticky like it usually is.

Ha!

[door opens]

Um... why is Randall on the floor?

Because he was a spy. His black eye was fake. See?

And he admitted giving a flash drive to his partners to sell.

And then he tried to run and slipped on the floor.

Which I clean on a daily basis.

Well, that is a relief.

God, I'm smart.

What are you talking about?

Well, look, I didn't want to say anything earlier 'cause I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

But do you think I'm gonna trust a guy who's worked for me for one week with an app I've been developing for six months?

No way.

I switched the drives. I gave him a fake one.

The real one I hid for safekeeping in the bottom drawer of my cabinet.

Your, uh... cabinet drawer on the left-hand side?

Yeah. Why? Why do you know that? You didn't touch that drive, did you?

No! Of course not.

Like any of us would go into your private office and touch your stuff.

Hey, uh... do you know what I'm craving?

Pinkberry.

I hear there's a good one in Silicon Valley.

Let's go there now.

They posted my dating article, by the way.

Congratulations! What's it about?

Thanks.

Oh... okay, uh, this is a little embarrassing, but, um...

Do you remember when you were asking me about playing the tambourine?

Well, I actually thought you were talking about, um...

[whispers]

God, no!

I'm a romantic, I'm not a pervert.

Oh, my God. Me too. Romantic all the way.

Well, speaking of which, what do you say we scamper off to the bedroom with... with this?

Oh.

You want to make love by candlelight?

No, darling. I want you to light this and then drip the hot wax all over my nipples.

Your nipples, right?