01x06 - A Family, A Fair

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Still the King"...

It's not what it looks like.

Looks like you're pretending to be a preacher.

That's pretty much it.

Dad, what are you doing?

Coming in to hear the band.

You really don't have to do that.

Aw, have to? I want to.

Vernon, Charlotte's dad.

Let me make something crystal-glass clear, Napoleon.

I'm King Dad around these parts.

You can bet your boat I'm gonna keep it that way.

Oh, you're a gentleman... since when?

Well, Debbie, I don't believe we've ever had the chance... to go on a proper date... but I'd be happy to change all that.

What, us? Please.

(WHISTLING)

Hey, give me $10 on Pump 2 there, honey.

That'll be $29.33.

Oh, look! Someone's got all their money this time.

I always carry all my money from now on, baby.

You want to speed it up, bub.

Is that Erik Estrada behind me?

Yup.

Aw, sh[BLEEP].

Hey!

Ooh, you got punched by Ponch.

On your feet, Vernon Brown!

You can run from a CHiP, but you can't hide from a CHiP!

Fire it up!

What happened to you?

Erik Estrada happened.

What did you do to him?

I don't know!

Could just be jealous of my [BLEEP]damn good looks.

Maybe I slept with his girlfriend.

Now you can add liftin' his wallet. Drinks are on the Ponch.

Adios, amigo!

Whoo-hoo! Yee-haw!

You can run, but you can't hide, Vernon!

This is Erik Estrada's America!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Ronnie, I'm going to the store.

Do you need some more of your bath salts?

That's right.

What are you doing here? You're all paid up for the week.

Yeah, they didn't say anything about unannounced visits... in the parenting plan.

Yeah, morning, Debbie, Ronald.

I'm here to take my daughter to the county fair.

You know, it's not even your day with her... so there's no way she's gonna want to hang out.

Bye, Mom, I'm going to the fair.

Hey, sweetheart!

You're going with him?

Yeah.

Well, if he's going to the fair and you're going to the fair... then I'm going with y'all to the fair.

But you hate the fair.

Hey, I'm not trying to start anything here now.

I've got some bad memories, but that's not the point.

The more the merrier, I always say.

Baby, I'm going to the fair.

Screw that, I'm not gonna let some random dude... take my family to the fair.

God, I'm watching you.

Fair enough.

Good afternoon.

Save it. Here's how it's gonna go down.

You're gonna give me my money, not give me any problems... and I'll be on my way.

Is this a stick-up?

I am joking, of course. It isn't though, right?

You'll see right here that I'm owed $83 in surplus power.

Due to my use of homemade solar panels.

Ah, happy to help.

Care for a muffin?

Nice try, but you you're not gonna lull me into submission... with your tasty breakfast treats.

I'm not here for government handouts, okay?

I just want my $83 in U.S. currency... or the equivalent weight in gold.

And I don't have time to sit around... while we cut through red tape all day.

Done! Your account's credited.

Credited? That's not gonna work. I need it in cash.

I'm sorry, sir, but the $83 is actually a rebate... that's credited to your next bill.

Well, there won't be a next bill... because I'm the one making you power.

I'm sorry, sir. It's company policy.

Why don't you go tell whoever's in charge... that I'm not gonna sit and watch them get rich off my power?

They haven't heard the last of Walter Baines Murray!

Hi, how are you?

Scratch that. Tell them they have heard the last of me.

Just for the sake of simplicity, say...

You've lost a customer. You lost your best customer!

Or you lost your best customer, something like that.

I'm going off the grid!

Will do! Have a super day!

You have a super day!

Hey, hoss, I'm watching you, and don't think for one minute... that I'm gonna let these ladies out of my sight.

Oh! Turkey leg! Hey man, where'd you get that?

You know, I think I actually played this very fair right here somewhere around '98 or '99.

It was 2000!

Coulda been. How'd ya know that?

Because this is where we met.

You could be right.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Debbie: Yeah, right! It was more like this.

I was the Pool and Spa Depot Girl?

Pool and Spa Depot, we've got the best spas in town.

Come check us out. How are you?

Hi, ma'am... Pool and Spa Depot.

Hey, uh, Debbie... listen, don't forget to tell them... that the "lumbar jets" can be used on other body parts... if you catch my drift.

I'm talking about the downtowns.

Yep, I got it.

You really don't remember me, do you?

Well if you gimme some details, it might jar somethin' loose.

Forget it. If you don't remember, I'm not telling you.

Well, what about me?

Despite the fact that I'm essentially a bastard...

I might like to know a little bit about how you guys met.

Bodean: Hey, Sailor, care to try your luck?

I ain't falling for that again, Bodean!

Hey, Sailor, care to try your luck?

I ain't falling for that again!

Bodean: Hey, Sailor, care to try your luck?

I am not falling for that again!

Bodean: Hey, Sailor, care to try your luck?

Sure, mister! I want that awesome boat-in-a-bottle!

Well, you gotta win it first.

Give it up!

All right! You want to get nautical up in here?

Come on now!

Watch and learn.

All right.

Agh! Come on! What the hell?

Don't you want to win a little something for your lady?

Put some heat on it!

There you go! You got a piece of it!

Mother of...

Agh!

Come on!

Aw.

Whoo-hoo! First one!

All right, what do you want, baby?

I'm all good... really.

Come on, how 'bout that cute little bear... there with the black eye?

Hey, you can't just come in here and win my daughter over... with some cheap, crappy, carnival prize.

I'm her momma, and if anybody is winning her a crappy bear... it's gonna be me!

Baby, I'm gonna win you this.

Well, well, well... if it isn't the old Pool and Spa Depot Girl.

And I do mean old.

Hello, Pamela.

At least some of us have aged well.

You're still burnin'... Vernon.

Seeing the two of you together certainly brings back memories.

Hey, look it's Burnin' Vernon!

He's on your "list." You gotta do it!

Wait, so you and Pamela were friends?

Best friends.

Before she stole my life.

More like you handed it over.

I guess I kinda have you to thank for that.

Mm, mm, mm.

Ooh, look, a customer... see y'all around.

What was that all about?

Some bitch living in the past... when the rest of us have clearly moved on.

Winner! Pick a prize, little lady.

Here you go, baby.

Guys, I appreciate the effort... but stuffed animals aren't really my thing.

(MUSIC CHANGES)

Whoa! Sorry, you startled me.

Please state your business.

Yeah, I'm just here to execute a basic disconnect order.

No need, I already did it.

Officially off your tyrannical government power grid.

I'm sorry, sir, but it says right here, paragraph 43... section two, all disconnects must be performed... by authorized personnel only.

And the word "must" is even italicized, so...

Well, it says in my sovereign municipality charter... section L-7, paragraph three... "no governmental agent shall breach said property line... without prior invitation or notarized consent."

In other words, hit the road, Jack.

This is Field Agent Nixon, we've got a rogue civilian. Standby.

Rogue civilian.

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

Roger that. You just messed with the wrong muchacho.

What's that supposed to mean?

Muchacho? It's a Spanish colloquialism, it means "guy"... and you just messed with the wrong one.

Why don't you just say "guy" next time?

It'd be less confusing for everybody.

Handbook says "muchacho".

It's probably in two languages.

You're probably reading the wrong section.

Shut up.

Come on, you can do it!

Oh, boy! Oh, jeez!

Aw, what the hell? Screw that! This thing is rigged!

Excuses is like buttholes, Ronnie, everybody's got one... and I ain't interested in yours.

Hey, mister, can I play your game, please?

Why, sure, kid.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Mm-hm.

Hey! You won! You sure did!

Do I get a prize?

Absolutely! Right here.

Whoa, whoa! That boat-in-a-bottle is mine.

I got dibs!

That right there.

The black bull... that's for you, little fella.

I win! I win!

Thank you, sonny.

Thank you, mister.

I denounce you and your stupid game. Farewell forever!

I'll be back!

Of course, you will.

You having fun, baby? You're being kinda quiet over there.

I'm speechless with joy.

I believe that was sarcasm.

Nothing gets by you?

Except for maybe some memories of a certain night... that completely changed my life forever.

Well, how about you gimme one little clue?

I was in the front row and you sang to me.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ I was goin' to Arizona Baby on to California ♪
♪ Where the people all live so fine ♪
♪ Living on Tulsa time ♪

Debbie: Not exactly, super star, it was more like this.

♪ Living on Tulsa time ♪
♪ Living on Tulsa time ♪

I told you, Debbie, he's on your list! He's fair game!

Are you sure?

Look, if Emilio Estevez showed up at my bachelorette...

I would hope you would set me straight.

Hey, this may sound crazy, but were you by chance... wearing one of those pink, sparkly headbands with the...

Weenie Boppers! Yes!

It was my bachelorette party.

What do you mean, on your list?

It's a list of famous people... that you're allowed to have sex with if...

I know what it is, Mom, but... Vernon?

I mean, he wasn't number one.

What do you mean, not number one?

He was super cute and sexy once, okay?

And your first crush is your deepest... you're gonna learn that.

Oh...

Hey!

Sorry, what's up?

Uh, just, you know...

Are you gonna introduce us or just stand there?

Is that an option?

Hey, I'm Dallas. You must be Charlotte's sister?

Oh, you're good.

I'm Vernon Brown, it's nice to meet you.

Hey, wait, weren't you at the concert last week?

No... beef sundae here, hold on.

What concert?

That's a lot of money for a kid.

Don't know what you're talking about.

Listen, Gypsy, I know you're in cahoots with Bodean... and I like that.

But if you want to get past the age of 12... or 40... you need to tell me how that bottle game is rigged.

Okay, people are always so focused on the bottles... they forget about the ball.

Ah, have no fear... I get it.

So how's that supposed to help me win?

No, you idiot, they keep a weighted ball under the counter.

It's the white one.

Oh, all right, thanks, weirdly-old kid.

Ass[BLEEP].

So, it's not much, but I won you this music note.

It's not totally lame.

Just...

Charlotte, you gotta get over here and try this beef sundae!

Yeah, it looks delicious!

Buy ya a beef sundae?

I prefer the pulled-pork parfait.

Listen, I gotta go meet some friends... but I'll catch up with you soon?

Yeah.

Cool.

You gotta try one of these.

I'm a vegetarian, remember?

Oh, all right, I'll get you a corn dog, then.

I don't know what it is about these beef sundaes... but every time I just think of one, I drool like Pavlov's dog.

'Sup, Pavlov.

Wait a minute...

For the love of God, stop talking!

So, you guys slept together the first night you met? Gross.

Please tell me you didn't do it... behind the beef sundae stand.

Of course, not!

No, we're not animals!

Vernon: Oh, oh, oh, God!

Oh, my God...

I'm a porta-potty baby?

You'll never win!

(AIR HORNS BLARING)

How you doing? Thanks for coming.

Et tu, Carl?

Sorry, Walt, but if you mess with one of us... you mess with all of us.

Except for the Sparkletts guy... who really has no business being here.

Come on, guys! I'm one of you!

You're not even a utility, you're a luxury.

Come on, Walt, you can't take us all on, all right?

Just give up and end this.

Are you quiet, because you're thinking about ending it or...?

Aw, we're just... we're gonna take your silence to mean... that... that's a... that's a "no"?

Good, that was the intended effect!

Let's ride!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

It's all good, guys! I got it!

It's the old Trojan garbage truck ploy!

No!

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC CHANGES)

Bodean?

Just one, please.

You don't want all three of them?

No, I think I'll be having the white ball today.

All right.

The white ball.

Fire in the hole!

♪ I'm a firecracker You better back up off ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a firecracker Yeah I'mma write on your wall ♪
♪ Because I'm a firecracker ♪

Agh!

No!

Why are you so upset?

It's not like you were born in a porta-potty.

So, just keeping tabs here.

You two got jacked up on beef sundaes... conceived me in a portable toilet... and then never spoke to each other ever again?

And what happened to your fiancé?

Hey, Deb-kiss... we've been looking all over for you.

Look at them little Weenie Boppers.

You're just the cutest, little thing.

Hey, there.

No! No!

No!

So the whole "hall pass" thing didn't hold up, huh?

No! He was all like "blah, blah, blah"... hypothetical conversation.

But, trust me, if he'd had a chance with Vanna White... he'd be singin a different tune.

I'm sorry I gummed up your life.

But I gotta say, without that eight minutes... of unprotected passion, we wouldn't have... this amazing, young lady right here.

Okay, this story could qualify as child abuse.

Let's never speak of it ever again.

All right, there you are!

Guess who won at Bottle Shock?

That's right, boat's still good.

Anyway, you want to check out this freak show?

They got half a Siamese twin. Let's check it out.

Yeah, but what about...

Well, it looks like it's just me and...

This has been the most traumatic day of my life.

Let's go ride the "Wheel of Death."

Y'all have fun!

Sorry, but it was gonna happen one way or the other.

Here you go.

What's this?

We refund all rebates upon deactivation.

You had a balance of $83, minus a $40 disconnection fee.

So that's a check for $43.

Have a nice day.

Oh, if my super calls, I'd appreciate it... if you gave me some good feedback.

They're real sticklers for customer service.

Wait, so you're saying you could just restart my service now... and then disconnect me in a few months... and you'd cut me another check?

Yeah.

Reconnect me.

No problem.

There you go.

$40 re-connection fee.

Well, then, where's my $3?

We'll credit your next bill.

To be clear, this is a victory for me!

Yep, got it. Have a super day!

(MUSIC PLAYING)